Bisexual cravings for women is making me frustrated, what to do?
December 7, 2021 12:12 PM Subscribe
I am a young female in a straight relationship with a man of many years, and I have only been with one woman before my current male partner, and my attraction for women is growing more and more for some reason. I am not sure if I should let the cravings ride out, or actually do something about it and my straight relationship?
I cannot stop thinking about pleasuring a woman and it is driving me up the wall; I have never felt so sexually deprived and frustrated in my life. My male partner is not open to me dating other women emotionally and romantically, but I do not know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation before? What did you do? Was your companion able to eventually compromise? Will the sexual and emotional cravings ride out?
I find my female teacher at university so attractive I cannot stop thinking about her and it is frustrating me beyond belief! I also cannot stop thinking about film stars like Elizabeth Taylor and attractive women in general. I feel so emotionally attached to women as well, not just sexually of course. I love making women laugh -- more than men at times. Goodness, I am at loss here and it is making me a bit depressed and confused. I know I am not fully gay because I do find men attractive, but I do find women to be more attractive. I am feeling so confused and upset.
I cannot stop thinking about pleasuring a woman and it is driving me up the wall; I have never felt so sexually deprived and frustrated in my life. My male partner is not open to me dating other women emotionally and romantically, but I do not know what to do. Has anyone been in this situation before? What did you do? Was your companion able to eventually compromise? Will the sexual and emotional cravings ride out?
I find my female teacher at university so attractive I cannot stop thinking about her and it is frustrating me beyond belief! I also cannot stop thinking about film stars like Elizabeth Taylor and attractive women in general. I feel so emotionally attached to women as well, not just sexually of course. I love making women laugh -- more than men at times. Goodness, I am at loss here and it is making me a bit depressed and confused. I know I am not fully gay because I do find men attractive, but I do find women to be more attractive. I am feeling so confused and upset.
If your partner isn't open to you dating other people and you're confident he cannot be persuaded otherwise, I'm afraid that your choice is either staying with your partner and not dating other people, or breaking up with your partner.
I'm sorry. It's a difficult position to be in. Personally, I wouldn't want to go through life always wondering and longing, so if I were you, I would probably break up. But I want to emphasize it's a deeply personal choice, and you aren't any "less" bisexual even if you stay with this man forever.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 12:26 PM on December 7, 2021 [12 favorites]
I'm sorry. It's a difficult position to be in. Personally, I wouldn't want to go through life always wondering and longing, so if I were you, I would probably break up. But I want to emphasize it's a deeply personal choice, and you aren't any "less" bisexual even if you stay with this man forever.
posted by sevensnowflakes at 12:26 PM on December 7, 2021 [12 favorites]
As a bisexual person, it's normal to have feelings that go back and forth, so please don't worry about that aspect of it! I find that I have periods of being really attracted to guys and different times where I'm really into women. Sometimes this lines up with other unrelated frustrations or experiences in my life (like if I'm spending a lot of time in spaces that lean towards one gender or another), but sometimes it's just a thing that I'm into for a while. You are still a totally valid bisexual woman if you spend the rest of your life with this guy, ditto if you break up and get into a thing with another woman and stay with her. Your sexuality is yours to define.
For now, don't focus too much on the fact that you're craving experiences with a different gender -- the real problem here seems to be that you're not satisfied with your current partner on some level. How is your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you happy with him, or do you think your eye is wandering because you have needs (emotional, sexual, etc) that aren't being met on some level? Is there a problem that might have brought this dissatisfaction to the surface so strongly? Do you communicate in a healthy way about your issues in general? Are you both willing to do the work to make things better?
Ultimately, if you want to act on these feelings, you will need to let your partner know and he will need to make up his mind about whether or not that's a deal breaker for him. It sounds like it will be. So you have to ask yourself if you're going to be okay with either breaking up with him to pursue a relationship with someone else, or staying with him and working on dealing with these feelings in a different way -- perhaps he would be okay with you having a sexual relationship with another woman but not romantically or emotionally dating her (with everyone's informed consent, of course; if you do go down this route, there are lots of resources on how to practice it ethically).
posted by fight or flight at 12:34 PM on December 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
For now, don't focus too much on the fact that you're craving experiences with a different gender -- the real problem here seems to be that you're not satisfied with your current partner on some level. How is your relationship with your boyfriend? Are you happy with him, or do you think your eye is wandering because you have needs (emotional, sexual, etc) that aren't being met on some level? Is there a problem that might have brought this dissatisfaction to the surface so strongly? Do you communicate in a healthy way about your issues in general? Are you both willing to do the work to make things better?
Ultimately, if you want to act on these feelings, you will need to let your partner know and he will need to make up his mind about whether or not that's a deal breaker for him. It sounds like it will be. So you have to ask yourself if you're going to be okay with either breaking up with him to pursue a relationship with someone else, or staying with him and working on dealing with these feelings in a different way -- perhaps he would be okay with you having a sexual relationship with another woman but not romantically or emotionally dating her (with everyone's informed consent, of course; if you do go down this route, there are lots of resources on how to practice it ethically).
posted by fight or flight at 12:34 PM on December 7, 2021 [10 favorites]
Being able to talk about big new feelings with your partner can help bring the intensity down. Your partner should be able to support you, the whole you, not just the part that is attracted to them, at least emotionally. You're the only one who can decide if exploring this is worth blowing up your existing relationship. Ethical non-monogamy is a thing people of all attraction variants engage in; acting on your attraction to women while maintaining a supposedly monogamous relationship with your partner is a dick move. Don't do that.
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:59 PM on December 7, 2021
posted by ApathyGirl at 12:59 PM on December 7, 2021
Mod note: Bunch of comments deleted. If you want to let the mods know about something, please do that using the contact form. Second, the mods approved this question and the evidence we have doesn't point to the question being fake. If you don't want to offer a helpful constructive answer to the asker, that's totally okay, but please just pass the question by.
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:19 PM on December 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
posted by LobsterMitten (staff) at 1:19 PM on December 7, 2021 [7 favorites]
My experience as a monogamous bi person has been that my attraction levels are fluid. I may be more attracted to a particular gender for a while and that will eventually change. That could certainly be influenced by a crush, which may make thoughts about intimacy with a person of my crush’s gender live closer to the top of my head while the crush is strong.
That may or may not be the case for you, but for whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you should worry that the current state will last forever. Maybe you will decide to stay in your relationship and you will find that when you are no longer around your teacher, some of this frustration will dissipate. Maybe you’ll leave your partner and explore other options. Maybe you’ll work out a relationship with your partner that is open to casual hookups. You have a lot of options. None of them are likely to be “just live like this forever.” You’re going to be fine. Keep communication honestly with your partner, give some serious thought to whether your relationship outside this issue is strong and healthy and good for you such that you want to preserve it, and see where your feelings go.
posted by Stacey at 2:00 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
That may or may not be the case for you, but for whatever it’s worth, I don’t think you should worry that the current state will last forever. Maybe you will decide to stay in your relationship and you will find that when you are no longer around your teacher, some of this frustration will dissipate. Maybe you’ll leave your partner and explore other options. Maybe you’ll work out a relationship with your partner that is open to casual hookups. You have a lot of options. None of them are likely to be “just live like this forever.” You’re going to be fine. Keep communication honestly with your partner, give some serious thought to whether your relationship outside this issue is strong and healthy and good for you such that you want to preserve it, and see where your feelings go.
posted by Stacey at 2:00 PM on December 7, 2021 [2 favorites]
My vote is "this happens, and it's okay to ride it out if that's what's compatible with the life you want to live right now," though of course you could also pursue it if that feels more right. And your decision today doesn't have to be your decision in a few months, much less in a year or more. For the meanwhile, there are respectful and ethical ways to explore this via a variety of media that don't involve romantic or emotional relationships with anyone. However, personally, as a bi/pansexual person I find the idea of not getting to have emotional relationships with anyone I might be attracted to a bit crap, because that essentially rules out everyone I'd want to be close friends with, so I wouldn't accept those terms in particular regardless of what else I decided to do.
posted by teremala at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2021
posted by teremala at 3:25 PM on December 7, 2021
Agreed with others that if your current relationship were awesome, this wouldn't likely be as much of an issue as it seems to be. You don't mention anything great about it that makes you not want to leave, at the very least. And while attraction to genders can definitely ebb and flow, if a current relationship is awesome, that tends to overwhelm that.
Unless what you really need is more time exploring your attraction to other people/genders/relationship models. All of which are ok! Just be honest with yourself about whether your current relationship is enough, or if you want to explore.
posted by ldthomps at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2021
Unless what you really need is more time exploring your attraction to other people/genders/relationship models. All of which are ok! Just be honest with yourself about whether your current relationship is enough, or if you want to explore.
posted by ldthomps at 6:57 PM on December 7, 2021
Even setting your sexuality aside, if you're a "young female" in university and you've been with this guy for "many years" I have to assume you've been together since high school or very early university? Most people outgrow these relationships (some people stay in them, unhappily, for decades; very occasionally people really do find an actual life partner at 17 or whatever). You are learning a lot about yourself and changing a lot as a person at this age, and it's super normal to realize, "oh, wait, the coolest guy who would talk to me in my high school/freshman dorm/computer camp might not be a person I'm going to stay attracted to for the rest of my life."
posted by mskyle at 4:29 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by mskyle at 4:29 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Since your boyfriend isn't up for opening the relationship, you have to choose between continuing this relationship and being able to explore a possible future with a woman (or women, or - whatever other options you might want). What I think is interesting in your post is that you haven't said anything about your boyfriend other than that he's monogamous - what's the actual upside to your current relationship? Do you want to spend your life with him, and possibly never get to explore this part of yourself?
You're young and it sounds like you got together with this guy in high school. I also agree with Rock 'em Sock 'em above: heterosexuality is compulsory, and all of us queer women are pressured absolutely constantly to be with men if that's at all tolerable - but you deserve better than tolerable, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and it honestly sounds like the relationship you're in is not giving you that, and it sounds like you're having a growing awareness of this dissatisfaction.
My honest advice is to let him know that you really need to experience this part of yourself, and go do it. I know a lot of people who have regrets about not pursuing queer relationships and not letting themselves step out of the confines of cisheteronormativity, but no one who regrets exploring their sexuality.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:34 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
You're young and it sounds like you got together with this guy in high school. I also agree with Rock 'em Sock 'em above: heterosexuality is compulsory, and all of us queer women are pressured absolutely constantly to be with men if that's at all tolerable - but you deserve better than tolerable, you deserve to be happy and fulfilled and it honestly sounds like the relationship you're in is not giving you that, and it sounds like you're having a growing awareness of this dissatisfaction.
My honest advice is to let him know that you really need to experience this part of yourself, and go do it. I know a lot of people who have regrets about not pursuing queer relationships and not letting themselves step out of the confines of cisheteronormativity, but no one who regrets exploring their sexuality.
posted by bile and syntax at 8:34 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
Hello, other me! I've been there a few times! As other comments have suggested, you might find yourself in this situation because your current relationship is leaving something to be desired. Feel free to MeMail me if you want to!
posted by Robocat at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by Robocat at 9:42 AM on December 8, 2021 [1 favorite]
My male partner is not open to me dating other women emotionally and romantically,
are you attracted to him at all/anymore? like, is he just comparatively less appealing than the idea of women or have you stopped wanting him independent of that? you don't say either way, but you don't say anything about him at all. is he still of interest to you as anything other than a longstanding comfortable habit and the barrier keeping you from the people you think about all the time?
if you want to date people who are not him you are going to have to break it off, but also, if you are really not attracted to him anymore, I think it is a little callous to abstract your feelings about him into position statements about generic "men" - it doesn't matter if in general you get more pleasure out of talking to women than men, he is just one guy and if it does not give you great pleasure to make him laugh, that's what matters.
because right now you do have an obligation to think about his feelings and existence at least a little bit, and it does not sound like you want to be doing that. at all. you want to think about women and you want to date women, and if you have felt like this for months or more, I think you ought to go and do that. there is a weird circular bit to your question where you sort of implicitly conflate the idea of dating him and the idea of not being gay, like as long as you're sure you're not gay you have to stay with him. but you don't! a bisexual woman can break up with a guy! happens every day
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:22 PM on December 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
are you attracted to him at all/anymore? like, is he just comparatively less appealing than the idea of women or have you stopped wanting him independent of that? you don't say either way, but you don't say anything about him at all. is he still of interest to you as anything other than a longstanding comfortable habit and the barrier keeping you from the people you think about all the time?
if you want to date people who are not him you are going to have to break it off, but also, if you are really not attracted to him anymore, I think it is a little callous to abstract your feelings about him into position statements about generic "men" - it doesn't matter if in general you get more pleasure out of talking to women than men, he is just one guy and if it does not give you great pleasure to make him laugh, that's what matters.
because right now you do have an obligation to think about his feelings and existence at least a little bit, and it does not sound like you want to be doing that. at all. you want to think about women and you want to date women, and if you have felt like this for months or more, I think you ought to go and do that. there is a weird circular bit to your question where you sort of implicitly conflate the idea of dating him and the idea of not being gay, like as long as you're sure you're not gay you have to stay with him. but you don't! a bisexual woman can break up with a guy! happens every day
posted by queenofbithynia at 6:22 PM on December 8, 2021 [2 favorites]
I've been straight the past five years, spent 10 as bi and 15 as lesbian. The fluctuation is intense and mortifying to say the least but I at least have it out of my system. In my experience and I'm assuming it resembles your journey the primary focal point is the sexual attraction and urge for that Sapphic unity...something only felt by those in need of it from a queer perspective. But in light of already having one union. Your bf, you can not make unions without his consent/cooperation. Aside from that, your urges are made to distance your body from the relationship norms and as such should be made to wane once you figure out what part of your current relationship is making you feel them so strongly. Is he possessive? Is he homophobic? Does he monopolize your time? It may be a bit of the masculine oppression syndrome that challenges you or it could be something as simple as he doesn't take enough time with you during sex. Movies glorify the lingering love making between females which is somewhat fantasized. But I have some long held grudges about the reality of a sexual relationship vs. A healthy relationship with females . Whatever you do be true to your kind heart and desire for truth. If it was the other way around you'd want to have nothing less. Don't let yourself down.
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 8:59 PM on December 8, 2021
posted by The_imp_inimpossible at 8:59 PM on December 8, 2021
It wasn't directly related to my bisexuality, but I was able to get my partner to come around to non-monogamy after a few years, if that's part of what you're asking. But I wouldn't count on it. It seems pretty clear that exploring other relationships is very important to you right now, so I think you'll be happier giving yourself the space and freedom to do so, even if your current partner opts to break up with you when you let him know you'll be doing that.
posted by metasarah at 6:52 AM on December 9, 2021
posted by metasarah at 6:52 AM on December 9, 2021
even if your current partner opts to break up with you when you let him know you'll be doing that.
let him know? if he opts to break up? this game is beneath someone as rigorous and honest in self-examination as the OP has shown herself to be. if you are in a monogamous relationship whose terms have already been discussed and explicitly confirmed as monogamous, and you are determined to date around anyway, and you are not going to be unfaithful because if you were willing to do that why agonize over this question, you break up first. announcing that you are off to do it, no more discussion, no waiting, is breaking up. that's how speech acts do.
I agree that it is in her best interest to do that. his too, though that's not her problem. but not only is it a weak move to do it and then pretend she didn't do it, to foist responsibility back on him when he already did lay out the terms under which he consents to this relationship, it's a pointless way to cheat herself out of exercising full agency in her romantic and sexual choices. pretending away her own authority to leave a relationship whose terms are unsatisfying to her would be deeply undignified. there's no angle in trying to make him do it for her. no angle, no point, no power, no fun.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:12 AM on December 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
let him know? if he opts to break up? this game is beneath someone as rigorous and honest in self-examination as the OP has shown herself to be. if you are in a monogamous relationship whose terms have already been discussed and explicitly confirmed as monogamous, and you are determined to date around anyway, and you are not going to be unfaithful because if you were willing to do that why agonize over this question, you break up first. announcing that you are off to do it, no more discussion, no waiting, is breaking up. that's how speech acts do.
I agree that it is in her best interest to do that. his too, though that's not her problem. but not only is it a weak move to do it and then pretend she didn't do it, to foist responsibility back on him when he already did lay out the terms under which he consents to this relationship, it's a pointless way to cheat herself out of exercising full agency in her romantic and sexual choices. pretending away her own authority to leave a relationship whose terms are unsatisfying to her would be deeply undignified. there's no angle in trying to make him do it for her. no angle, no point, no power, no fun.
posted by queenofbithynia at 9:12 AM on December 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
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