Looking for some guidance in a tough time
August 8, 2021 11:56 PM Subscribe
I am having issues with anxiety related to the passing of a family member and a toxic job situation, and am looking for advice or guidance.
My apologies for bothering everyone and for the wall of text, I do not know where else to turn. I am on the edge of having a crisis and would like some perspectives on how to proceed.
The end of 2020, going into 2021 to now, has been a very tumultuous year. My Father passed away in mid-2020. This was a very difficult time, and continues to be, but my siblings, Mother, and I pulled together. I am closer to my Mother than ever before.
Of course, emotionally, I was going through the grieving process but still pushing forward for my own family’s sake, as I have a wife and small children. I am the main breadwinner in my household.
Exactly one month after my Father passed, I was offered a job position. This was a job at an organization that I very much wanted and coveted. I live in a high cost of living area and the salary was in line with what I was after. The decision to take this new job was not easy, as my previous job had great work life balance. Looking back, I was too focused on the salary aspect of this new job.
Fast forward to now – I am miserable. While my job title is technically the same (having moved to a senior position) the subject matter is completely different. I have been racked with (almost crippling) anxiety from the beginning of my tenure at this new position. The subject matter was new and highly specialized, the training was little to none, and my supervisor was, and is, unforgiving. This supervisor lacks empathy and does not treat their subordinates with basic compassion, dignity, or respect. They are a source of great stress for me.
For the anxiety I was experiencing on the job, in the beginning, I initially attributed to the grieving process. I figured things would get better as I would learn my job and increase my proficiency. As time has passed, although I am further along in the grieving process and have gotten better, I am still full of anxiety. Bad anxiety, all stemming from my job. While I have learned and improved my job performance, my anxiety persists. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away completely even if circumstances change.
Recently, in terms of my work product, I was trending upwards (self-assessed). However, whatever strides I had achieved were dashed as my most recent, mid-year performance review was the worst I had ever received in my adult professional career. The writing is on the wall. I am still in the one-year probationary period for my job and know that the negative performance review is the first step in letting me go. And getting released for poor performance at the annual review will become a huge, almost impossible obstacle to overcome moving forward.
I have contacted my insurance to look for a therapist. I am also meditating, watching my diet, emphasizing sleep and exercise, etc., as I know all these factors do impact my overall emotional state. As mentioned, my salary supports the household and I must provide for my kids. I am looking for another job right now to avoid having that poor annual performance review to be issued.
I guess I am looking for anything in terms of advice on how to handle the anxiety, how to handle looking for a new job (after this experience, I feel like an imposter, in addition to dealing with the realization that I am over 40 and may not have the relevant skill set that is needed nowadays). I have an overwhelming feeling of failure and have been experiencing panic attacks a lot lately. At this point, I don’t care about salary as much as I do my sanity and having a work/life balance so I can dedicate more time for my wife and kids.
Any advice or guidance is welcomed, thank you for taking the time to read.
My apologies for bothering everyone and for the wall of text, I do not know where else to turn. I am on the edge of having a crisis and would like some perspectives on how to proceed.
The end of 2020, going into 2021 to now, has been a very tumultuous year. My Father passed away in mid-2020. This was a very difficult time, and continues to be, but my siblings, Mother, and I pulled together. I am closer to my Mother than ever before.
Of course, emotionally, I was going through the grieving process but still pushing forward for my own family’s sake, as I have a wife and small children. I am the main breadwinner in my household.
Exactly one month after my Father passed, I was offered a job position. This was a job at an organization that I very much wanted and coveted. I live in a high cost of living area and the salary was in line with what I was after. The decision to take this new job was not easy, as my previous job had great work life balance. Looking back, I was too focused on the salary aspect of this new job.
Fast forward to now – I am miserable. While my job title is technically the same (having moved to a senior position) the subject matter is completely different. I have been racked with (almost crippling) anxiety from the beginning of my tenure at this new position. The subject matter was new and highly specialized, the training was little to none, and my supervisor was, and is, unforgiving. This supervisor lacks empathy and does not treat their subordinates with basic compassion, dignity, or respect. They are a source of great stress for me.
For the anxiety I was experiencing on the job, in the beginning, I initially attributed to the grieving process. I figured things would get better as I would learn my job and increase my proficiency. As time has passed, although I am further along in the grieving process and have gotten better, I am still full of anxiety. Bad anxiety, all stemming from my job. While I have learned and improved my job performance, my anxiety persists. Sometimes I wonder if it will ever go away completely even if circumstances change.
Recently, in terms of my work product, I was trending upwards (self-assessed). However, whatever strides I had achieved were dashed as my most recent, mid-year performance review was the worst I had ever received in my adult professional career. The writing is on the wall. I am still in the one-year probationary period for my job and know that the negative performance review is the first step in letting me go. And getting released for poor performance at the annual review will become a huge, almost impossible obstacle to overcome moving forward.
I have contacted my insurance to look for a therapist. I am also meditating, watching my diet, emphasizing sleep and exercise, etc., as I know all these factors do impact my overall emotional state. As mentioned, my salary supports the household and I must provide for my kids. I am looking for another job right now to avoid having that poor annual performance review to be issued.
I guess I am looking for anything in terms of advice on how to handle the anxiety, how to handle looking for a new job (after this experience, I feel like an imposter, in addition to dealing with the realization that I am over 40 and may not have the relevant skill set that is needed nowadays). I have an overwhelming feeling of failure and have been experiencing panic attacks a lot lately. At this point, I don’t care about salary as much as I do my sanity and having a work/life balance so I can dedicate more time for my wife and kids.
Any advice or guidance is welcomed, thank you for taking the time to read.
Do you have a regular medical doctor? They can prescribe medication for mental health reasons, too, especially if you also let them know you are simultaneously seeking therapy. There are many different drugs that can help in just the kind of situations you are describing - high stress, panic attacks, unprocessed grief, very little emotional outlets, hopefully not long-term. At the very least you can absolutely get something to help you mitigate panic attacks, but also, anti anxiety medications are many and varied and have a remarkably good rate of success. Doctors are prescribing them left and right these days, too. Working with a therapist will make medications more effective, and vice versa. If you try a med you aren’t stuck on it, nor does it necessarily mean that you are diagnosed with some kind of chronic condition, either. Acute anxiety like this is super common and drugs are just tools to help you.
Apart from that, are you listening to music? Music can significantly affect blood pressure and mood. Sometimes, meditation becomes rumination and that exacerbates anxiety symptoms, but something like music or another focus for our senses can help guide the process and keep it effective. Music with the right tempo and pauses can gently encourage slow deep breathing that triggers the release of different hormones that makes us calm and helps our brains process information, so even something like listening to music while doing chores or getting ready for bed can help. Music that elevates mood because of emotional associations can also help, so if you’re a death metal kind of person it’s worth a go regardless. For me, live music is the most effective, but I’ve found live recordings with audience sounds kept in, of things like symphony performances, are the second best for lifting my mood and making me feel buoyed.
Ask for hugs from your kids, if they are old enough. Like, all the time. It’s good modeling for them, when you express an emotional need and ask for consent about a hug and all that, but also, just revel in every moment of their affection you can possibly soak up, and use it to help you get through the next while.
posted by Mizu at 3:28 AM on August 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
Apart from that, are you listening to music? Music can significantly affect blood pressure and mood. Sometimes, meditation becomes rumination and that exacerbates anxiety symptoms, but something like music or another focus for our senses can help guide the process and keep it effective. Music with the right tempo and pauses can gently encourage slow deep breathing that triggers the release of different hormones that makes us calm and helps our brains process information, so even something like listening to music while doing chores or getting ready for bed can help. Music that elevates mood because of emotional associations can also help, so if you’re a death metal kind of person it’s worth a go regardless. For me, live music is the most effective, but I’ve found live recordings with audience sounds kept in, of things like symphony performances, are the second best for lifting my mood and making me feel buoyed.
Ask for hugs from your kids, if they are old enough. Like, all the time. It’s good modeling for them, when you express an emotional need and ask for consent about a hug and all that, but also, just revel in every moment of their affection you can possibly soak up, and use it to help you get through the next while.
posted by Mizu at 3:28 AM on August 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
It's great that you are being proactive about things like seeking therapy. Here are some things to consider in the meantime:
- 2nding talking to your PCP about your panic attacks/anxieties. See if they can get you started on medication (assuming it's not contraindicated for some reason). I'd also recommend eventually seeing a psychiatrist but your PCP is a great place to start.
Does your employer have EAP? If so, I've found that to be a faster way to get in to see someone than going through insurance.
Some other coping skills that might help with the anxiety in the short term:
- Breathing. Experiment with different breathing techniques. I find something really soothing about watching my heart rate drop on my apple watch as I do breathing exercises. I particularly like square breathing (breathe in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, breathe out 4 counts, hold 4 counts, repeat - but you can vary the timings to do something like 6/2/6/2 or whatever).
- When you are having a panic attack, try sticking your face in a bowl of ice water. This activates some dive reflex or something supposedly. It really works to sort of reset the fight or flight response. (But don't do this if you have any medical conditions like heart problems or whatever.)
- Progressive muscle relaxation.
- Self compassion. I was really resistant to this, but seriously, it's worth really going all in on. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend/loved one. Try writing some statements down to repeat to yourself as needed. For example, I started with, "I'm doing the best I can" because I felt like I could believe that even at my bad times.
- Basically anything that can get you out of your head for a little while. Find a TV show or book that you can really get into. Or a hobby that you love.
Hang in there! This will get better.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:36 AM on August 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
- 2nding talking to your PCP about your panic attacks/anxieties. See if they can get you started on medication (assuming it's not contraindicated for some reason). I'd also recommend eventually seeing a psychiatrist but your PCP is a great place to start.
Does your employer have EAP? If so, I've found that to be a faster way to get in to see someone than going through insurance.
Some other coping skills that might help with the anxiety in the short term:
- Breathing. Experiment with different breathing techniques. I find something really soothing about watching my heart rate drop on my apple watch as I do breathing exercises. I particularly like square breathing (breathe in 4 counts, hold 4 counts, breathe out 4 counts, hold 4 counts, repeat - but you can vary the timings to do something like 6/2/6/2 or whatever).
- When you are having a panic attack, try sticking your face in a bowl of ice water. This activates some dive reflex or something supposedly. It really works to sort of reset the fight or flight response. (But don't do this if you have any medical conditions like heart problems or whatever.)
- Progressive muscle relaxation.
- Self compassion. I was really resistant to this, but seriously, it's worth really going all in on. Talk to yourself the way you would talk to a friend/loved one. Try writing some statements down to repeat to yourself as needed. For example, I started with, "I'm doing the best I can" because I felt like I could believe that even at my bad times.
- Basically anything that can get you out of your head for a little while. Find a TV show or book that you can really get into. Or a hobby that you love.
Hang in there! This will get better.
posted by litera scripta manet at 4:36 AM on August 9, 2021 [4 favorites]
Sorry about the loss of your father.
As far as your job situation:
"getting released for poor performance at the annual review will become a huge, almost impossible obstacle to overcome moving forward." is simply not true.
I have met many folks who worked a short stint at a place and moved on to another, better job. Some jobs go south, and you just have to ride through it, it doesn't define you as a failure. Look at this job as the step you needed to take to get to the next job.
And, yes, see if you can get some medical help to dial back on your anxiety. Not sure if you can access it, but marijuana is a great option to pursue. There are small dose gummies that don't get you high, but calm the anxiousness.
Good luck
posted by rhonzo at 12:08 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
As far as your job situation:
"getting released for poor performance at the annual review will become a huge, almost impossible obstacle to overcome moving forward." is simply not true.
I have met many folks who worked a short stint at a place and moved on to another, better job. Some jobs go south, and you just have to ride through it, it doesn't define you as a failure. Look at this job as the step you needed to take to get to the next job.
And, yes, see if you can get some medical help to dial back on your anxiety. Not sure if you can access it, but marijuana is a great option to pursue. There are small dose gummies that don't get you high, but calm the anxiousness.
Good luck
posted by rhonzo at 12:08 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
I notice that you don’t talk at all about confiding in your wife, or about her as a possible source of support. Instead, you talk about the anxiety you feel about possibly not being able to provide for her and your kids. But she’s an adult, and a person who is supposed to love you and be someone you can rely on. And you are not the sole source of possible support for your household, financial or otherwise. Assuming your relationship is a good one, consider confiding in her what you’re going through. Feeling less alone and leaning on your partner may make all of this feel less overwhelming.
posted by decathecting at 12:20 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
posted by decathecting at 12:20 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
Yeah, I just want to push back on this: "getting released for poor performance at the annual review will become a huge, almost impossible obstacle to overcome moving forward." Unless you are a physician, pilot, sea captain maybe, or some other license-holder for which not working or being let go somehow dings your license status, this is very unlikely to be true. Even if you work in a crappy industry where your current employer will shit-talk you on the backchannels, most people have a low regard for backchannel shit-talkers. Otherwise, it's all just "bad fit". It happens. People get hired after that. It is surmountable, somehow.
Please do try to leave before then, as it sounds like this job is terrible for any human. Do reach out to your former coworkers, just to re-ground yourself about the possibility of a better life after this job and to remind yourself of your priorities going forward, and maybe find out if they miss you too.
Could you get in to see a doctor this week? Even urgent care can get you on some starter antidepressants that are generally okay when anxiety is also very high, and might be able to do you some beta blockers or rescue meds for now.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:48 PM on August 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
Please do try to leave before then, as it sounds like this job is terrible for any human. Do reach out to your former coworkers, just to re-ground yourself about the possibility of a better life after this job and to remind yourself of your priorities going forward, and maybe find out if they miss you too.
Could you get in to see a doctor this week? Even urgent care can get you on some starter antidepressants that are generally okay when anxiety is also very high, and might be able to do you some beta blockers or rescue meds for now.
posted by Lyn Never at 12:48 PM on August 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I want to thank everyone for taking the time to respond to me. I am very touched by the responses and am taking all suggestions into account.
To clarify, I work in the government so being fired for performance issues is a black mark that could end my career at this level. It could be formalised in a form filed in my personnel folder. Additionally, there are pointed questions in the application process that broach performance issue separations, specifically. I figure it would be better to leave after finding a new job, rather than being shown the door or forced to resign due to performance. So I am actively looking and applying.
Also, a poster was correct that I didn't mention my spouse and should have. My wife has been my main sounding board throughout this process, from the beginning. I am really lucky to have her in my life. I was reaching out to Meta to get some outside perspective on this problem.
Again, I appreciate you all very much. I will not threadsit any further, just wanted to clear up those two items.
posted by Soma707 at 1:18 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
To clarify, I work in the government so being fired for performance issues is a black mark that could end my career at this level. It could be formalised in a form filed in my personnel folder. Additionally, there are pointed questions in the application process that broach performance issue separations, specifically. I figure it would be better to leave after finding a new job, rather than being shown the door or forced to resign due to performance. So I am actively looking and applying.
Also, a poster was correct that I didn't mention my spouse and should have. My wife has been my main sounding board throughout this process, from the beginning. I am really lucky to have her in my life. I was reaching out to Meta to get some outside perspective on this problem.
Again, I appreciate you all very much. I will not threadsit any further, just wanted to clear up those two items.
posted by Soma707 at 1:18 PM on August 9, 2021 [1 favorite]
You sound like a friend of mine who worked for the British IRS and he was really stressed out. Lots of telling and phone people over horrible governmental things in his day to day life, and he didn't like it.
I'd like you to know that I've been thinking about you all day, and I've been in similar jobs. It's not worth it, man. I've gone full circle, been up to the top and down to the bottom. And it's never a good thing.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:27 PM on August 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
I'd like you to know that I've been thinking about you all day, and I've been in similar jobs. It's not worth it, man. I've gone full circle, been up to the top and down to the bottom. And it's never a good thing.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 5:27 PM on August 9, 2021 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
Part of the reason The Green on Metafilter exists is to help our fellow MeFites when we're having a bad time. Because we see exit signs and windows where you only see brick walls. I bet you'd never want or expect others here to apologize to you for asking questions about or seeking support. So, tell yourself that you're proud of yourself for reaching out and asking for help. Yay, you, Soma707!
The next thing I'm going to suggest is that you talk to friends and colleagues from your former job. Just chatting with them will remind you that you're a great person AND have a long history of being great at your job. When we're surrounded by pain, it's hard to remember what it was like to not feel pain.
You had your last position (and probably any before that) because you were good at it; you were plunged into this current position at a rough time for you (right after the passing of your father) and at a rough time for the planet (in the middle of a pandemic) and you're not giving yourself any grace. Talking with people who know you as a more confident person and competent at what you do will go a nice way toward reminding you that you're a smart person going through a rough time, admirably, and not getting support.
Next, remind yourself that there aren't just two job statuses: perfect at what you do or an impostor. Unless you're a surgeon (which it sounds like you're not), then nobody is reasonably expecting perfection from you. I'm not. Tell yourself (until other people wake up and reply here) that The Wrong Kind of Cheese doesn't expect perfection from you and doesn't think you're a failure. (The Wrong Kind of Cheese also knows that panic attacks are like the common cold right now, being passed around and back and forth with everything we touch.)
Ask one or more of your friends, whether colleagues from your old job or even people you've known from school to help you freshen up your resume/CV, not necessarily because companies hire from resumes, but because it's good for your self-esteem to be reminded of the stuff you know and the successes you've had. Update your LinkedIn with your successes. Treat yourself like you treat your friends (assuming you tell your friends when they've done great things...and if not, then start now).
Diet and exercise (and sex if that's something you and your wife are up to right now) will help with the anxiety. Singing at the top of your lungs to poppy songs in the shower or in the car with the windows rolled up can help. Drinking a lot of cold water and foods with high water content (don't laugh, it really works for me!) can make you feel a little less tightly wound. (Imagine it's like the oil can and the tin woodsman in The Wizard of Oz.)
I've been amazed this week how much watching Ted Lasso helps with anxiety, and with feeling inadequate in particular. (Even if you just sign up for a month of AppleTV+, you will just gobble up the positivity of that show.) Watch happy shows, not mean or scary ones. Don't read the news. (Seriously, it's giving everyone agita. Ask your wife to just tell you the three most important news things she learned each day, and for the next few weeks, go on a news and social media cleanse.)
Be honest with your wife about your anxiety if you're not already. Any worry is lightened when it's shared.
I'd also suggest you and your wife sit together and brainstorm. And I mean REALLY brainstorm. Make a million sticky notes for the wall of all the possible things you could do. Not just "look for a new job" or "move to a new, less expensive city" but kooky things like "move to a farm in Iowa and become alpaca farmers." (Alpaca are just kooky-looking animals. Google them and look at those faces.)
I have a close friend who moved from a good job to a great-on-paper-but-misery-making job about 18 months ago, and after much searching, he just got a great-in-reality job last month that is building up his self-confidence again. I worked in a career for a long time that wore me down to the nub, but 20 years ago (I'm shocked it's been that long), I left my old career and started a business. I don't make as much money, but I sleep so much better, and I feel like, sink-or-swim, I've got the balance that lets me feel good about myself and my place in the world. So trust me, a random internet person, when I say that you don't have to be as stressed or down on yourself in the future as you are now.
And finally, a bad performance review often means a bad fit between the company/boss/job and the worker, not a bad worker. Everyone who hires knows that. But beyond that, assuming (and maybe I can't assume) that you're in the US, your employer really isn't allowed to tell potential employers anything except your employment dates. And I have known LOTS AND LOTS of people and low-level, mid-level, high-level and C-suite-level positions who have been out of work after a bad fit and who moved into positions that were much better fits for them.
I know you're scared. You've had a rough year+ at a point when everyone has had a pretty rough year+. Everything seems catastrophic and it's hard to envision the way out. But there's not only a way out, but there are hundreds, maybe thousands, of little and big ways out. Until you can see a therapist, just keep all of this in mind. Don't believe that your boss, who probably needs a therapist and is taking everything out on you, has anything to do with you. Hug your kids. Take care of your body and your mind. Practice saying, "It's only my job, it's not my life."
I'm rooting for you, Soma707!
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:34 AM on August 9, 2021 [38 favorites]