Catnip Sr. for the Ladies
March 7, 2006 12:42 PM Subscribe
This post (Catnip for the Ladies) was very interesting, but what if we're talking Catnip in the forty to fifty year old range? What qualities and partialities make the middle aged male attractive?
hey! I'm 35 and from what I can tell what I'm interested in is far, far different from what all those twentysomethings responded to.
just saying.
posted by lonefrontranger at 12:58 PM on March 7, 2006
just saying.
posted by lonefrontranger at 12:58 PM on March 7, 2006
Self-confidence, health (not obese), personal hygene, sense of humour. Honestly likes women. Particularly likes me.
For me now, intelligence is a must (wasn't 20 years ago). Oh and a willingness to keep learning about how the world works and how relationships happen.
posted by b33j at 1:01 PM on March 7, 2006
For me now, intelligence is a must (wasn't 20 years ago). Oh and a willingness to keep learning about how the world works and how relationships happen.
posted by b33j at 1:01 PM on March 7, 2006
Brains, manners, self-confidence, employment. Also, must genuinely like women.
posted by astruc at 1:09 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by astruc at 1:09 PM on March 7, 2006
Just a point of order here. What do you mean by "likes women?" Not gay? Not angry about some previous relationship with a mother/girlfriend/wife/teacher/etc? Not a misanthrope? All of the above?
posted by Pollomacho at 1:13 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by Pollomacho at 1:13 PM on March 7, 2006
Before being called out for my wisecrack, it wasn't a wisecrack. I have met a couple of middle-aged men who have their own planes and they do have that catnip quality. Not that you need to get your own plane...I think it's much more than enjoying the finer things in life - it is their sense of freedom. That they obviously have seen it all, know what they want, and have a sense of fun.
posted by meerkatty at 1:15 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by meerkatty at 1:15 PM on March 7, 2006
I'm 37 and my fella's 43. Everything I said in the previous thread can apply just as much to a middle-aged guy as to a 20something (e.g., looks good in glasses, is handy, has great arms and shoulders). Still, here are few specifics:
- A receding hairline can be perfectly sexy, provided you keep your (remaining) hair short, cropped, or shaved. Growing out the rest of your hair into a sort of poofy mid-skull halo is the new combover.
- Crinkly eyes (aka crow's feet) are adorable. Honestly.
- Being genuinely comfortable with who you are and where you've arrived at this point in your life is hot. Know thyself and like thyself, and we will want to do the same. Sure, there are some guys in their 20s and 30s who might possess this sort of quiet, understated confidence -- but when you hit your 40s or 50s, it's close to essential (IMO).
- Qualities that matter to me a lot more now, which I frequently overlooked when I was younger: integrity, reliablity, warmth, health (physical AND mental!), responsibility, good manners, self-awareness, and speaks well of his family, friends, and exes. Things that I now care infinitely less about: record and book collections, intellectualism, snarky sense of humor, being hip/cool/whatever.
posted by scody at 1:18 PM on March 7, 2006
- A receding hairline can be perfectly sexy, provided you keep your (remaining) hair short, cropped, or shaved. Growing out the rest of your hair into a sort of poofy mid-skull halo is the new combover.
- Crinkly eyes (aka crow's feet) are adorable. Honestly.
- Being genuinely comfortable with who you are and where you've arrived at this point in your life is hot. Know thyself and like thyself, and we will want to do the same. Sure, there are some guys in their 20s and 30s who might possess this sort of quiet, understated confidence -- but when you hit your 40s or 50s, it's close to essential (IMO).
- Qualities that matter to me a lot more now, which I frequently overlooked when I was younger: integrity, reliablity, warmth, health (physical AND mental!), responsibility, good manners, self-awareness, and speaks well of his family, friends, and exes. Things that I now care infinitely less about: record and book collections, intellectualism, snarky sense of humor, being hip/cool/whatever.
posted by scody at 1:18 PM on March 7, 2006
and also I think it's wise to bear in mind the intent of the original 'catnip' post was NOT necessarily what makes a 'great life partner', but what in essence makes a guy 'hot' and is a TURNON, period.
so for you fortysomethings, yes, this could indeed include a private jet...
... or the pool boy!
to wit:
...To clarify, I'm not looking for answers like "someone who is confident and knows how to be himself". I'm looking for specific, widely held, possibly irrational turn-ons.
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:19 PM on March 7, 2006
so for you fortysomethings, yes, this could indeed include a private jet...
... or the pool boy!
to wit:
...To clarify, I'm not looking for answers like "someone who is confident and knows how to be himself". I'm looking for specific, widely held, possibly irrational turn-ons.
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:19 PM on March 7, 2006
Oh, another quality that I used to think was so important that I don't give a fig about now: being well-traveled. Lots of assholes have traipsed all over the world, and lots of wonderful guys have never been out of the Lower 48.
posted by scody at 1:22 PM on March 7, 2006 [1 favorite]
posted by scody at 1:22 PM on March 7, 2006 [1 favorite]
Good phyiscal fitness; that is, an honest attempt not to slide into beer-gutted middle age without a fight.
posted by scratch at 1:26 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by scratch at 1:26 PM on March 7, 2006
Boy, I'm gonna be watching this thread.
And taking notes.
posted by willmize at 1:28 PM on March 7, 2006
And taking notes.
posted by willmize at 1:28 PM on March 7, 2006
Just a point of order here. What do you mean by "likes women?" Not gay? Not angry about some previous relationship with a mother/girlfriend/wife/teacher/etc? Not a misanthrope? All of the above?
I have found, with some men who have reached middle age still being single, that they are sort of inherently suspicious of women. So maybe all of the above. I do believe that anyone over the age of 30 is going to have some baggage, and that's totally understandable (I have enough of my own), but I try to avoid the guys that blame their relationship problems on women as a whole, rather than just whoever done them wrong.
posted by astruc at 1:30 PM on March 7, 2006
I have found, with some men who have reached middle age still being single, that they are sort of inherently suspicious of women. So maybe all of the above. I do believe that anyone over the age of 30 is going to have some baggage, and that's totally understandable (I have enough of my own), but I try to avoid the guys that blame their relationship problems on women as a whole, rather than just whoever done them wrong.
posted by astruc at 1:30 PM on March 7, 2006
Dark hair with gray at the temples, Clooney-style.
posted by matildaben at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by matildaben at 1:36 PM on March 7, 2006
Just a point of order here. What do you mean by "likes women?"
This is difficult to convey.
Okay, if I reverse the genders, a woman who likes men in this context isn't just fluffy and girly with them, she talks with them, not at or to them. Likewise, a man who genuinely likes women is comfortable to talk with one for hours (oh that sounds tragic and needy but that's not what i mean).
Let's say that I'm talking about people for whom gender isn't a barrier in friendship.
I think I need a coffee before I try to do this.
posted by b33j at 1:37 PM on March 7, 2006
This is difficult to convey.
Okay, if I reverse the genders, a woman who likes men in this context isn't just fluffy and girly with them, she talks with them, not at or to them. Likewise, a man who genuinely likes women is comfortable to talk with one for hours (oh that sounds tragic and needy but that's not what i mean).
Let's say that I'm talking about people for whom gender isn't a barrier in friendship.
I think I need a coffee before I try to do this.
posted by b33j at 1:37 PM on March 7, 2006
cripes the whole baggage thing. let me point something out: everyone has baggage, even that cute sixteen-year-old working at the deli counter. it's called how one is socialised, i.e. where and when they went to school, church, whether they were picked on / abused as a kid, how effectively they were parented, socioeconomic status, physical / mental health issues, bla bla etcetera ad infinitum.
the DIFFERENCE is whether said baggage has been neatly packed away into a carryon or is spilling out of an overloaded semitrailer that got jacknifed in the expresslane of the freeway. at rush hour.
sorry for the derail. I despise the whole 'he/she must-carry-no-baggage' cliche.
thankyoudrivethrough
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:38 PM on March 7, 2006 [1 favorite]
the DIFFERENCE is whether said baggage has been neatly packed away into a carryon or is spilling out of an overloaded semitrailer that got jacknifed in the expresslane of the freeway. at rush hour.
sorry for the derail. I despise the whole 'he/she must-carry-no-baggage' cliche.
thankyoudrivethrough
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:38 PM on March 7, 2006 [1 favorite]
Did I miss something? Not one poster has said "no baggage."
posted by astruc at 1:46 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by astruc at 1:46 PM on March 7, 2006
God, I dunno, just in the last couple of years I've found myself going gaga for that indefinable relaxed, masculine maturity that I'm starting to see in men around my age (late 30s). They're so much less anxious, they're so much wiser. Just watching an adult guy lean back in his chair and look bemusedly around the room, nothing to prove, completely comfortable, easy in manner: aaahh.
Humor in the eyes, the crinkliness, salt-and-pepper, all good. Fearless, confident eye contact is nice; that's awfully hard for young guys to pull off; they're stuck in a youthful need to prove themselves and when they do prolonged eye contact, it's often got a pushy, overtly sexual edge rather than a deep comfort with the moment.
I do appreciate good health and the avoidance of beer-gutted sloth, but I also find the 'filled-out' body type a real turn-on these days. Really. I've watched many of my friends go from sinewy, string-bean 20s bodies to solid, broad, comfortable grown men's bodies, and they look so much better to me this way. They have acquired substance.
Hygeine: well, there's more need for trimming various things when you get older, and we appreciate it. Enough said. Basic cleanliness, smelling good up close, and taking some measure of care with your appearance -- not all sweats, all the time -- never hurts.
This will be a funny quality to list as a turn-on, but one thing I actively seek in men these days is humility. I don't mean self-deprecation or a negative self-image; I mean a sense of having come to terms with the ego, and letting go the need to be top dog with all the answers all the time. By the time you're in your 30s and 40s, life has dealt you some experiences, and they should have caused some reflection on our place in the universe. All of which should make us more gentle and humble. Some guys seem not to have reckoned with this, and they come across (to me) as arrogant, vain strivers who are in serious danger of missing the point of life.
Glasses are nice. Strong hands are nice.
Obviously I hit some sort of evolutionary speed bump where most of these things became attractive; if I were looking for them at 21, that would have been somewhat odd. But now I recognize them as signals that we are arriving at the same places in life. So men, don't worry that your body is changing. If you like women your own age, our tastes are changing right along with you. Wish we could say the same for women in our culture, but I'm not completely convinced that we can.
posted by Miko at 1:53 PM on March 7, 2006
Humor in the eyes, the crinkliness, salt-and-pepper, all good. Fearless, confident eye contact is nice; that's awfully hard for young guys to pull off; they're stuck in a youthful need to prove themselves and when they do prolonged eye contact, it's often got a pushy, overtly sexual edge rather than a deep comfort with the moment.
I do appreciate good health and the avoidance of beer-gutted sloth, but I also find the 'filled-out' body type a real turn-on these days. Really. I've watched many of my friends go from sinewy, string-bean 20s bodies to solid, broad, comfortable grown men's bodies, and they look so much better to me this way. They have acquired substance.
Hygeine: well, there's more need for trimming various things when you get older, and we appreciate it. Enough said. Basic cleanliness, smelling good up close, and taking some measure of care with your appearance -- not all sweats, all the time -- never hurts.
This will be a funny quality to list as a turn-on, but one thing I actively seek in men these days is humility. I don't mean self-deprecation or a negative self-image; I mean a sense of having come to terms with the ego, and letting go the need to be top dog with all the answers all the time. By the time you're in your 30s and 40s, life has dealt you some experiences, and they should have caused some reflection on our place in the universe. All of which should make us more gentle and humble. Some guys seem not to have reckoned with this, and they come across (to me) as arrogant, vain strivers who are in serious danger of missing the point of life.
Glasses are nice. Strong hands are nice.
Obviously I hit some sort of evolutionary speed bump where most of these things became attractive; if I were looking for them at 21, that would have been somewhat odd. But now I recognize them as signals that we are arriving at the same places in life. So men, don't worry that your body is changing. If you like women your own age, our tastes are changing right along with you. Wish we could say the same for women in our culture, but I'm not completely convinced that we can.
posted by Miko at 1:53 PM on March 7, 2006
sorry astruc I see now where you did qualify. I need to back off on the caffeine and turn down the gain on the snark-o-metre. I've a close friend who's a fabulous single mom with a great teenage son, and that whole 'no-baggage' patrol has really bitten her on the arse lately.
I'll go crawl back under my bridge now
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:54 PM on March 7, 2006
I'll go crawl back under my bridge now
posted by lonefrontranger at 1:54 PM on March 7, 2006
I said:
reading.
writing well.
mechanical aptitude.
musician (sound work counts here).
sheer joy in blowing stuff up. (big turn-on. and I mean literally blowing stuff up, but in a reasonably safe manner)
interested in "weird stuff". (and can talk about it in an intelligent manner)
motorcycle? not so much (lost a couple of classmates to bike accidents, not their fault)
fights? not.
stubble? not. (beard, on the other hand....)
voice isn't really a turn-on, but a bad voice can be hard to get around.
in the catnip thread, and I'm most certainly not a 20-something. Even the most generous of age guessers put me in my mid 30s (I'm into my 40s).
Really, what turns me on is a guy who isn't afraid to be intelligent or to have fun.
posted by jlkr at 2:20 PM on March 7, 2006
reading.
writing well.
mechanical aptitude.
musician (sound work counts here).
sheer joy in blowing stuff up. (big turn-on. and I mean literally blowing stuff up, but in a reasonably safe manner)
interested in "weird stuff". (and can talk about it in an intelligent manner)
motorcycle? not so much (lost a couple of classmates to bike accidents, not their fault)
fights? not.
stubble? not. (beard, on the other hand....)
voice isn't really a turn-on, but a bad voice can be hard to get around.
in the catnip thread, and I'm most certainly not a 20-something. Even the most generous of age guessers put me in my mid 30s (I'm into my 40s).
Really, what turns me on is a guy who isn't afraid to be intelligent or to have fun.
posted by jlkr at 2:20 PM on March 7, 2006
Yeah, I think there's less actual catnip as I get older. Maybe someone secure in his skin, who knows what he wants. The only thing I really am a sucker for is excellent writing.
posted by astruc at 2:37 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by astruc at 2:37 PM on March 7, 2006
guess I should post something germane to the thread instead of just ranting ... let's see
lean physique (that hasn't changed).
Hair: over 25, keep it above the collar. over 30, don't attempt to pull off that 'guido' spiky do, please. if it's thinning, don't fight it, shave it. Balding with a ponytail is a -50 on the hotness scale and it's a woefully common trend here in Boulder amongst the fortysomething male tribe. Get. Rid. Of. It.
the ability to play. and I mean PLAY. snowball fights, guys who skateboard. it doesn't matter if they're grey and/or balding so long as they can be childLIKE without being childISH. men who can play in an uninhibited, don't-care-who's-watching fashion are hot, and tend not to have all the hangups of those who take themselves way too seriously.
jlkr wrote: sheer joy in blowing stuff up
oh yes, o goodness me yes.
as regards being well travelled: in my experience at least the guys who were globetrotting at 23 were probably in the Peace Corps or doing the Eurailpass / hostel thing and that was cool at the time. guys at 43 doing the same thing are most likely still Trying To Find Themselves.
sheer irrational physical stuff: hands. long, strong, piano player hands.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:00 PM on March 7, 2006
lean physique (that hasn't changed).
Hair: over 25, keep it above the collar. over 30, don't attempt to pull off that 'guido' spiky do, please. if it's thinning, don't fight it, shave it. Balding with a ponytail is a -50 on the hotness scale and it's a woefully common trend here in Boulder amongst the fortysomething male tribe. Get. Rid. Of. It.
the ability to play. and I mean PLAY. snowball fights, guys who skateboard. it doesn't matter if they're grey and/or balding so long as they can be childLIKE without being childISH. men who can play in an uninhibited, don't-care-who's-watching fashion are hot, and tend not to have all the hangups of those who take themselves way too seriously.
jlkr wrote: sheer joy in blowing stuff up
oh yes, o goodness me yes.
as regards being well travelled: in my experience at least the guys who were globetrotting at 23 were probably in the Peace Corps or doing the Eurailpass / hostel thing and that was cool at the time. guys at 43 doing the same thing are most likely still Trying To Find Themselves.
sheer irrational physical stuff: hands. long, strong, piano player hands.
posted by lonefrontranger at 3:00 PM on March 7, 2006
External:
Silver or salt 'n' pepper hair, warm eyes (crinkles a plus), well groomed hands and hair (not necessarily metrosexual, but tidy is good), smells nice, clothes don't have to be trendy but not goofy looking, heftier men are more attractive than skinny.
Internal:
Being comfortable with himself, sense of humour, open to new experiences, integrity, playful, trustworthy, nice manners, intelligent, likes kids and animals, doesn't take stuff too seriously unless it is serious.
childLIKE without being childISH - amen.
I'm quite lucky - the mister has all the qualities above in spades.
posted by deborah at 3:11 PM on March 7, 2006
Silver or salt 'n' pepper hair, warm eyes (crinkles a plus), well groomed hands and hair (not necessarily metrosexual, but tidy is good), smells nice, clothes don't have to be trendy but not goofy looking, heftier men are more attractive than skinny.
Internal:
Being comfortable with himself, sense of humour, open to new experiences, integrity, playful, trustworthy, nice manners, intelligent, likes kids and animals, doesn't take stuff too seriously unless it is serious.
childLIKE without being childISH - amen.
I'm quite lucky - the mister has all the qualities above in spades.
posted by deborah at 3:11 PM on March 7, 2006
Oh yeah -- men who have lived enough to be all grown-up in all the crucial ways (responsibility, steadiness, self-knowledge, etc.), but still retain a certain boyish enthusiasm/irrepressibility are extraordinarily attractive.
Also, check out (of all things) this Survivor recap for the Theory of Middle-Aged Man Strength, and how it's completely superior to Hot Young Dude Strength: "older men, once they've lived a little, just start to get really deep core strength that makes them stronger, in any meaningful way, than younger dudes who just go to the gym a lot but don't ever do anything that actually tests their strength, whereas if a father were trying to protect his kid (for instance), you could break a chair over his back and he wouldn't even feel it."
posted by scody at 3:24 PM on March 7, 2006 [2 favorites]
Also, check out (of all things) this Survivor recap for the Theory of Middle-Aged Man Strength, and how it's completely superior to Hot Young Dude Strength: "older men, once they've lived a little, just start to get really deep core strength that makes them stronger, in any meaningful way, than younger dudes who just go to the gym a lot but don't ever do anything that actually tests their strength, whereas if a father were trying to protect his kid (for instance), you could break a chair over his back and he wouldn't even feel it."
posted by scody at 3:24 PM on March 7, 2006 [2 favorites]
Oh, sorry, one more, just to second/third/whatever the comment about salt & pepper hair now signifying the hotness.
posted by scody at 3:32 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by scody at 3:32 PM on March 7, 2006
scody that's no myth. those of us in endurance sports (I'm a cycling coach) have long known that the 35-45 age group contains some of the fittest, fastest old bastards going.
triathletes commonly peak in their mid thirties. after 30 raw speed (fast twitch, i.e. 30 second bursts) does start to decline, but between ages 25 and 40 there's a bell curve of endurance strength that peaks around 35, i.e. that slow burn deal required to finish a long bike race or triathlon.
mmm... triathletes. swimmer muscle. I just thought of something else.
posted by lonefrontranger at 4:07 PM on March 7, 2006
triathletes commonly peak in their mid thirties. after 30 raw speed (fast twitch, i.e. 30 second bursts) does start to decline, but between ages 25 and 40 there's a bell curve of endurance strength that peaks around 35, i.e. that slow burn deal required to finish a long bike race or triathlon.
mmm... triathletes. swimmer muscle. I just thought of something else.
posted by lonefrontranger at 4:07 PM on March 7, 2006
I've already posted this once today on a similar thread, but it bears repeating: Dancing, fellas, dancing. Know how to lead. Enjoy the dancing. Women look differently at a guy who knows how to dance.
posted by Sara Anne at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2006
posted by Sara Anne at 5:36 PM on March 7, 2006
Oh man, Miko nails this one. Older men take up space in a room, radiate warmth, make eye contact. Just being over 40 or so can automatically make a man sexier. I have always felt this way. Old men are hot.
Old men driving sports cars, however, are gross. Leering and overt attempts to be sexy, behaviors that might be excused in a younger man, are gross.
Good things: good, comfortable posture; good proportions (not the same thing as being slim); short hair; hands in pockets; ease.
posted by climalene at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2006
Old men driving sports cars, however, are gross. Leering and overt attempts to be sexy, behaviors that might be excused in a younger man, are gross.
Good things: good, comfortable posture; good proportions (not the same thing as being slim); short hair; hands in pockets; ease.
posted by climalene at 6:56 PM on March 7, 2006
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by meerkatty at 12:46 PM on March 7, 2006