Most polite way to refuse offer of food

August 19, 2019 5:48 AM

I have a lot of things that don't agree with me and also follow a fairly strict eating regimen. I'm in the situation a lot where I'm in people's houses and they offer me food as a sign of hospitality. If I say something like "thanks, but my stomach's been bothering me today, so I'm fasting"--it kind of feels like too much information (and it's negative) and it often seems to result in people thinking "ok, I'll try again next time." Any suggestions for better approaches would be appreciated.
posted by Jon44 to Human Relations (19 answers total)

"No thank you, but it's kind of you to offer." Repeat as necessary.
posted by XtineHutch at 5:56 AM on August 19, 2019 [8 favorites]

If it's mainly the same people's houses repeatedly, maybe just explain your eating regimen to them? I'm in the same situation, and hosts are very good about remembering that So-and-So is vegan, So-and-So can't have nuts, and So-and-So will eat all the pork made available at any function (and that last hypothetical person? Was me.)… and YMMV, but so long as they recognize that it's not a direct rejection of their hospitality/cooking skills, the hosts ought to be pretty respectful of your regimen.
posted by CheesesOfBrazil at 5:56 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

I just say, “No, thank you, I’m fine,” with a smile. It may feel awkward for a second but you aren’t doing anything wrong. You could then try to change the subject..
posted by dianeF at 6:00 AM on August 19, 2019

I'd say I was fasting for medical reasons and leave it at that. That way they won't try to force other dishes on you.
posted by shaademaan at 6:03 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

You can also soften the impact by accepting something simple, if you drink during the day, e.g., "No thank you but I'd love a glass of water," to let your hosts feel that they've cared for their guest and were appreciated for it.
posted by carmicha at 6:09 AM on August 19, 2019 [73 favorites]

If I were your host, and I knew you had a specific diet, I would still feel obligated to offer you something the next time you came over out of hosting obligation/politeness. For example, my mom is doing a modified keto/fasting diet, and I still offer her water with lemon (her go-to) or ask if she wants anything. You don't need to accept, and you are totally fine just going with "no thanks, I'm good" without any explanation.

However if you're there at a meal time and everyone else is eating, it's a bit odd to not have anything and they probably feel weird about it. You could bring a snack (that you make a show of opening but don't eat) if you're on a fasting day, or have some water.
posted by DoubleLune at 6:35 AM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

For what it's worth, I think the flat no-thanks is a bit gauche. A host's offering to their guest as a welcoming act and their guest's acceptance is a deeply-rooted ritual basically everywhere and short-circuiting that process as a guest is pretty rude. I think carmicha's point is an important one. In your circumstances, I would say "Thank you, but I'm on a strict regimen these days. I'd be grateful for a glass of water, though."

You don't even need to drink the water, just accept it.
posted by mhoye at 6:52 AM on August 19, 2019 [32 favorites]

I feel like this could benefit from more information. What is the context in which you're offered food? Is it just that you're dropping in for a visit and they say, "Can I get you anything to eat?" I think it's perfectly reasonable and expected to simply say, "No thanks, I'm fine." You don't need to explain why you don't want anything. If you would feel more comfortable with something in your hand, you can add something like, "But I'd love a glass of water." If you're coming over for dinner or something like that, this gets quite a bit more complicated IMO.
posted by slkinsey at 6:55 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

Try declining a taste but expressing interest in the food some other way: “Thanks but [I can’t indulge today / I’m still full from lunch / My stomach has been touchy lately]. This looks great though—is it a family recipe?”
posted by sallybrown at 7:15 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

When you are in someone's home, it's traditional to share food. Presumably, these are friends and you will be in each others' homes again. It's reasonable to say, once, I have a bunch of food restrictions for health reasons. I ate at home. Please go ahead and eat; I'm here for the visiting. If you can drink tea or coffee, that's a nice middle ground.
posted by theora55 at 7:29 AM on August 19, 2019 [6 favorites]

If you want to forestall future offers more effectively:
“Thanks for the offer and I enjoy your hospitality but I’ve never been good with food and I have to do my own thing”

Something short like this establishes it’s not them, it’s you, and it’s not going to change.
posted by SaltySalticid at 7:36 AM on August 19, 2019 [4 favorites]

“Thank you for offering, but I have several food restrictions for medical reasons.” “Medical reasons” is a good phrase to use here: it implies something non-negotiable and carries a bit of authority without giving too much information or inviting further questions. And if there are questions, you can say “oh, I prefer not to get into it, but everything’s well-managed and I’m feeling pretty good” or something like that.
posted by Metroid Baby at 8:28 AM on August 19, 2019 [10 favorites]

Say a polite "No thank you, I'm on a special diet for medical reasons" to the food. Then ask for a glass of water or a beverage of some sort that you can drink so they can go through the hosting actions of providing you some hospitality.
posted by wwax at 8:46 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

As a person who also often has trouble eating, I think "my stomach's been bothering me today, so I'm fasting" is the wrong approach. It sounds like "I don't feel like it" rather than "I really can't" - which SHOULDN'T be a problem but in our culture could easily cause unintended offense. My situation is slightly different because it's medication-related, but I usually say something like "No thanks - I take some medication that can make it hard for me to eat, but I appreciate the offer!" Just phrase it in a way that makes your not eating seem like an unavoidable fact of biology rather than a preference. Asking for water is a good idea too.
posted by showbiz_liz at 9:18 AM on August 19, 2019 [5 favorites]

I am very much the same way. My go-to is that I have already eaten (which I typically do before house parties knowing I have no idea the food being served).
"Oh I'm still full from lunch, maybe in a bit if I get hungry again! Thank you though"
"It looks delicious! I'm on a diet though, trying to behave tonight. I'll have a glass of water though."
posted by hillabeans at 10:36 AM on August 19, 2019 [1 favorite]

I like showbiz_liz's wording. It makes it clear that offering something else next time won't help.

I have a complicated set of dietary restrictions. A few of my more foody-inclined friends have taken it on themselves to learn a lot about those restrictions so that they always have something to offer me, even learning things I didn't know about what brands I can eat. If you don't want to keep the door open for future offers, then make it clear that it's not about specific foods.
posted by roll truck roll at 10:40 AM on August 19, 2019

I'm a picky eater and often find eating + socializing to use two different parts of my brain that are stressful for me to use together, so I often refuse food in social situations. Possibly counterintuitively / counter to what some have said above, I find "no thanks, not right now!" to be effective.
Even though it implies I might want the food later, and I know I won't, leaving the option open seems to sidestep people's instincts to make sure they're providing hospitality and/or find out the *reason* I don't want the food.
posted by anotherthink at 11:56 AM on August 19, 2019 [3 favorites]

I had a job recently where I was going to a lot of clients' homes as a social worker, and there were all sorts of power dynamics involved that I wanted to be conscious of (cultural importance of hospitality, my power over various aspects of their lives and not wanting to seem like I was cold or judgmental toward them), relationships that I needed/wanted to maintain, and also some particular-to-the-situation hygiene issues that made me shy away from accepting even glasses of water. Also, I really hate eating at non-meal times and in front of people I don't know well. I used a variety of the suggestions above, mostly variations on, "Oh, I can't because of medical reasons, but thank you so much! No no, don't worry about me!" but sometimes, with really pushy food-pushers, I would say something like, "It looks great! Maybe I could take a piece with me for later?" (when that was practical). I generally would throw it out later, so I hated doing this often, but it sometimes solved the immediate issue.
posted by lazuli at 12:01 PM on August 19, 2019 [6 favorites]

I like the combo of "No thank you, but it's kind of you to offer." Then if it seems like more offers are on the way, ask for a glass of water. If you say your stomach is off, that would have me worrying that you have a bug or watching for any signs of discomfort. (That's my baggage, but just sharing because I think it could invite speculation or worry.)
posted by purple_bird at 12:00 PM on August 20, 2019 [2 favorites]