Receiving hospitality hospitably
December 10, 2009 5:38 PM   Subscribe

How do I help people understand that I am satisfied?

Lately there has been a problem of people thinking (I assume) that I'm not satisfied. This has happened in the context of staying in someone's home and at a job: they ask over and over again if I'm all right, if they can do anything else to make me happy, to just let them know if I want anything. Normally I say "Yes" and "I will certainly let you know" and the person who's asking doesn't ask again and we go about our lives. And if I need something I say so. But in these two cases, it seems like something wasn't convincing them. These are people who were responsible for my well-being to an extent, socially or professionally.

Conversations go like this: Them: "How are you? Are you enjoying it here? Do you need anything?" Me: "I'm great! Yes, I really like it here. It's so (relevant adjectives) __, __ and __. No, I don't need anything. But I will definitely let you know if I do." Normal guest-host stuff.

Them, the next day: "Hey, seriously, if you need anything, let me know. I mean it. I want you to be happy/comfortable/etc." Me: "Oh, yes. (More concrete examples of how and why I'm satisfied.) I will let you know." Rinse and repeat. After two or three times, it starts to feel weird, like they're not convinced. Like they haven't fulfilled their host duties, when in my view they have.

It comes to the point where I start feeling really paranoid, like maybe they know something I don't. I've considered making up needs or quirks just so that these people feel like they are serving me in some way, but that's a little crazy, right? (Right? Or is that the easiest way out of this? ALTHOUGH I have done this -- expressed a preference for something -- and it helped, but didn't solve the problem.)

I tend to be a very content person. I like to accept life and learn new things, and I love to try to be positive. In a new place, I also really like to see how things work before deciding what my needs are going to be. So many needs aren't really needs, right? I've been loving simplicity lately. And every place has its own unspoken cultural rules. And every person and place has a different interpretation of people coming in and speaking up right away about how they want it to be. I'm saying this from personal experience.

And if I'm being hosted somewhere, I want to make the host's job as easy as possible by letting them know when I'm good and when I'm not. If something isn't a really big deal, I might not mention it right away. Is that unreasonable?

If there is someone in your life who has seemed to you like they were not content and maybe need encouragement to voice it, what was it that made you think that? What shows you that they are content? And if you have been in my position, can you tell me what the heck is going on?
posted by ramenopres to Human Relations (21 answers total) 3 users marked this as a favorite
 
Smile more, if you can stand it?

Especially if you're female, some (American, at least) people will assume you're unhappy if you're not smiling fairly frequently.
posted by availablelight at 5:43 PM on December 10, 2009


Response by poster: AHH! That is awesome advice, but I DO smile a lot! One of these people (not American) actually got frustrated with it. However, I will try checking on my facial expression throughout the day.
posted by ramenopres at 5:54 PM on December 10, 2009


Maybe you're so undemanding they can't quite believe you're really OK. Some people are higher-maintenance than others, and maybe your hosts just can't grok your zenlike minimalism. Or it doesn't give them a chance to show off their gracious hospitality (I don't mean that to sound snarky - some people really enjoy being magnanimous hosts).

Concerning repeated queries: I can understand wanting to check back with you every day just to make sure you haven't run out of shampoo or something, or maybe you need a change of towels, etc. If I have a guest, I take their comfort and happiness pretty seriously - as long as they're under my roof they're my responsibility and I'd rather pester them a little rather than let them suffer in silence.

So, ramenopres, you let me know if you need any toothpaste, OK?
posted by Quietgal at 5:55 PM on December 10, 2009 [4 favorites]


Best answer: I'm a frequent host and frequently hosted. Some people are just not easy-going hosts, period, and there's nothing you can do to make them that way. That said, when I've been a host I do try to have a sort of second sense of when a guest who might SAY they're okay are not actually okay. Here are some sort of obvious examples...

- Guest is putting on hat and jacket indoors is an indicator to me that I need to turn the heat up some, even if guest is comfortable and happy in hat and jacket, I am not comfortable with guest in hat and jacket.
- Guest who insists food is fine but eats very little of it will have me attempt to find something else that guest does like to eat. I am uncomfortable if guest does not appear to be eating normally unless there's some specific reason given.
- Guest who seems to be rummaging around looking for something [when I've said something like "help yourself to whatever's inthe kitchen!"] will often have me asking "Can I help you find anything? Is there something you're looking for?" and if they say no and keep rummaging I may not believe them.

If something isn't a really big deal, I might not mention it right away. Is that unreasonable?

This is, of course, not unreasonable, but your saying it makes it sound like everything is NOT okay but you don't want to make a big deal out of it. I've been there too, sometimes it's the right strategy [especially if there's nothing your host can do] but sometimes it's not. If I see my guest sleeping in a parka, I'm going to feel bad that they didn't ask for an extra blanket [I have many] just because it wasn't a big deal to them.

To me, part of being a guest is trying to put my host at ease and if my host is NOT at ease I try to meet them partway if at all possible, or be rather direct "Your asking me again if I need anything is unsettling me a little. Is there some reason you feel I'm not happy?" and move on from there. Some people think they are very low maintenance but they try to attain this by being so self-contained that it can be difficult for other people to find ways to connect with them [I've been on both sides of this as well]. You seem to be aware of this yourself, but maybe your approach just needs a little adjusting. Hope this advice is helpful.
posted by jessamyn at 5:57 PM on December 10, 2009 [8 favorites]


You sound fine to me. Just be satisfied about them not being satisfied that you are satisfied. Not too many people understand the Zen of quiet contentment. You don't need to advertise your happiness. "Thank you for asking" might make them feel acknowledged.
posted by weapons-grade pandemonium at 6:09 PM on December 10, 2009


Best answer: I think most hosts feel a need to reiterate that you can ask them for anything. Some hosts do this more often than others. While it may not be the case with you, some guests really do need to be told a couple times that seriously, it's okay to ask for things, before they will actually ask. They can't really know which kind of guest you are, so they err on the side of caution and reassure you often.

Also, there is somewhat of a cultural difference too. Everyone I know has nice families, but if I'm with my Chinese or Indian friends visiting their families, their parents will be REALLY accommodating, to the point of bringing us food or drinks or whatever even if we expressly decline it. (Of course, there are a few exceptions here too.) If you're not used to that experience, it can seem odd and make you feel like you're not expressing yourself clearly enough, but seriously, it's not you. Just keep smiling and being grateful for everything and you'll get through it. Other families I know tend to keep it to a big gesture when you show up, then usually once a day, then perhaps some other scattered reminders. My mom will remind people when they show up, then around mealtimes, and then before bed.

In short, I doubt you're doing anything that makes you seem unsatisfied, it's just hosts being hosts.
posted by Nattie at 6:10 PM on December 10, 2009


"Your asking me again if I need anything is unsettling me a little. Is there some reason you feel I'm not happy?"

Don't tell people you're unsettled. The person asking you is doing so with the best of intentions and despite how clunky or inappropriate it may be, the way to respond is (emphatically) - "Seriously, it's great. If there is anything I need I will be sure to bring it to your attention. Thanks very much for asking though." You can repeat or ramp that statement up or down at will but there is no need to become edgy.
posted by fire&wings at 6:27 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]


Best answer: I bet it's facial expressions.

My bet, further, is that you have a "worried" or "sad" natural relaxed expression.

I know one of each: a person who seems to always have a furrowed brow and be deep in dissatisfaction, even when they're not. And another whose natural face looks sad, even when it's not. I always want to buy her ice cream.

Good thing she likes ice cream.
posted by rokusan at 6:30 PM on December 10, 2009 [5 favorites]


Best answer: Get comfortable with people trying to make you comfortable.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:31 PM on December 10, 2009


Best answer: Do you ever initiate the conversation about your positive feelings? If you made a point, once in a while, to say something like, "I really appreciate how comfortable the bed is." or, "This is a really nice bowl of gruel you've set before me." before they ask, they might not jump to erroneous conclusions. It sounds like you want to quietly enjoy the hospitality, but your host needs some sort of feedback to know that the hospitality they are providing is adequate. They will feel constrained to ask less if you show some unsolicited enthusiasm.
posted by Old Geezer at 6:35 PM on December 10, 2009 [2 favorites]


Best answer: This took me awhile to figure out ( I was and still am very much a zen-minimalist myself ) but there are people who just really like helping other people. You think that by asking someone else to do something you are somehow imposing on them, but it is in fact the opposite. Performing a small, easy task that helps someone else is a bonding experience in a guest/host situation that makes them feel needed and helpful. If they don't have anything to do they get antsy.

The solution, from your perspective as someone who really is just fine, is to make up a task for them if you don't have one. If it really doesn't matter to you and you're happy, then it really doesn't matter if you have them get something for you, and it makes them feel all important and gives them a concrete little task they can pour their energy into.

So next time try asking:
Could I have a glass of water?
Could you turn the heat up a notch?
Can you grab me some coffee from the break room?
Could I get a 3rd monitor for my workstation? (this worked.)

They'll do it and be happier for it.
posted by spatula at 6:43 PM on December 10, 2009 [3 favorites]


Best answer: 2nd-ing rokusan. My neutral face is a bit on the frowny side. I regularly have people asking me if I'm ok or if something is wrong.

When in the company of others I tend to spend a lot of time in my head to 'withdraw' for a bit... every emotion that passes through my mind during my reveries shows up on my face and that kinda puts me in odd situations (aside from the smiling/frowning/laughing I often, unintentionally wink at people).

I've been putting more effort into thinking happy/funny thoughts so that I smile more often and it seems to be producing the desired results.
Definitely ask a close friend about your neutral face or examine any candid video footage or pictures of yourself and see if your face makes you appear unsatisfied.

Oh! Also check your body language. I always, always have people asking me if I want to sit down because I stand awkwardly and I sway a lot and I cross my arms over my chest often. But, that's just me... and I'm fine standing.
Maybe you generally have a very straight posture and people might mistake that for being tense = uncomfortable... something along those lines?
posted by simplethings at 6:48 PM on December 10, 2009 [1 favorite]


Just ask for a slice of lemon in your water.
posted by fixedgear at 6:55 PM on December 10, 2009


well, people who ask those kinds of questions tend to be pleasers. it makes them feel good to address a want. so, even if you are perfectly content, ask for something specific--the lemon in the water is a good one. ask if they mind if you take a bath rather than a shower, ask for a recipe if you like something, etc. people like to be able to say yes to requests (within reason). it makes everyone feel good. being told, "no thanks, i'm fine" feels kind of like a rejection.

sometimes a passive guest is unsettling for a host. we don't often have people stay in our home--when we do, it feels weird or inhospitable for us to go about our normal routine. we like our guests, we want to make them happy. so a little interactivity is good. if there's something you want to do in town, your hosts are probably happy to take you to do that thing. want to go for a walk? they know a good place. offer to cook a meal for them, or take them out. make it fun for them, too. bring a bottle of wine, drink a little more than you usually do. suggest a card game. if you're just watching tv, express a preference for a show. little things like that will go a long way.
posted by thinkingwoman at 7:32 PM on December 10, 2009


I agree this is just a style of hosting, and some people worry more about making their guests comfortable and happy. Rather than make up problems for them to address, I would just thank them for the inquiry and maybe make a point of saying how much I am enjoying what they have already provided for me (i.e. your shower is amazing, the morning light in the guest room is really beautiful, these pancakes are the best, and so on). The other thing I would consider doing is asking them how they accomplished something you are enjoying as a guest such as how do they get their towels so soft, can they give you that recipe for the fantastic meal they made last night, how did they discover that delicious wine, etc. This gives them something to do for you without actually forcing you to complain or invent problems.
posted by katemcd at 7:49 PM on December 10, 2009


Best answer: What spatula and thinkingwoman said. Some people like to nurture and feel generous. You are denying them an outlet for that impulse. Indulge them a little.
posted by i_am_joe's_spleen at 7:51 PM on December 10, 2009


Best answer: What spatula and thinkingwoman and joe's spleen said.

Hospitality isn't something that one person bestows upon another. It's more like a dance. You have to be aware of the hints that your host is giving. Sometimes they lead, and sometimes they want *you* to lead.

For a long time, in an attempt not to impose, I'd be almost aggressive in turning down offers from hosts. I thought it was the most considerate thing. But by doing that, I was being a lousy dance partner - stiff as a board.

So I've learned that oftentimes, the best answer when offered something isn't "no thanks, I really am fine," but "yes, that would be awesome!" Then they get to perform some hostly duties, and everyone waltzes away, gratified.
posted by bicyclefish at 8:45 PM on December 10, 2009


What spatula and thinkingwoman and joe's spleen and bicyclefish said.

If they ask you once, "Nope, I'm fine, thanks!"
If they ask you twice, "I'm very comfortable. Totally fine, but thank you!"
If they ask you again, "You know, I'm actually kind of thirsty, can I have a glass of water?"
If they ask you after that, "I'd like some fried spam with sun-dried tomatoes and a slice of sharp cheddar cheese melted ever-so-slightly on top."
posted by eleyna at 10:09 PM on December 10, 2009


Are you quiet or introverted by nature?

Nthing that your face/body language may be sending a message, especially if you tend to be quiet. When I'm in a pleasantly-spacing-out mood I get asked "are you okay? Are you sure?" a lot. It could be that you look unhappy, or it could just be that your hosts don't have any explicitly positive cues to go on, so they don't know.

The repeated offers to help make you more comfortable might just be to draw you out a little bit. If you're just sitting in someone's living room with your hands politely folded in your lap, trying not to impose, your host doesn't really know what to do with you. You might consider reversing the offer - "oh, I'm fine for now. Can I help you with making dinner?" or just engaging the host by asking about something in the room, e.g. "wow, where did you get that sculpture?" or "I would love to see your garden."
posted by Metroid Baby at 4:42 AM on December 11, 2009


Best answer: Make sure when they ask if they can do anything for you you say yes, and ask for something minor. So if you're a guest, say something like "oh that's really sweet of you! Hey you know I was wondering if you could show me where you keep the glasses so I can get a water" or insert tea/coffee/juice or whatever you want. Then they can do something minor for you and feel they've addressed something you'd like. Plus, if they do more than you ask (like actually pour water for you and bring it out) then they get to feel even better about their hosting abilities. It's a way of bonding and for them to feel like good hosts to make sure you're happy, and if you just say you're happy without them feel like they're interacting with specific needs of yours and satisfying them, then they won't feel as bonded/like good hosts/happy/etc. as they'd like to feel.
posted by lorrer at 8:36 AM on December 11, 2009


Tell them up front "Don't worry, I'm really low-maintenance & easy to please." They might stop looking so hard for signs of displeasure or discontent in your demeanor.
posted by pointless_incessant_barking at 2:16 PM on December 11, 2009


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