Pun Me Up, Scotty!
May 31, 2018 7:54 PM   Subscribe

I'm participating in a Dad Joke Battle Fundraiser for a school group this weekend. I've been well prepared for the traditional read-a-joke version by my grandfathers, father, many uncles, and most recently even my husband. But, there's a long form portion to the evening for which I will need to tell a dad joke longer than four sentences! What is your best and can you give it to me, Dads of Metafilter?
posted by zizzle to Writing & Language (20 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
 
I am not a Dad, but my favorite pun ever, which always sends me into fits of laughter every time I tell it, is:

Three guys are on a boat. They have four cigarettes, but nothing to light them with. What do they do? [pause for effect] They throw one cigarette overboard and the whole boat becomes a cigarette lighter.
posted by brook horse at 8:22 PM on May 31, 2018 [3 favorites]


Ah, just realized it's longer than four sentences. I suppose you could fudge it to "They have four cigarettes. They have no matches or anything to light the cigarettes with" but that's clunky, alas.
posted by brook horse at 8:26 PM on May 31, 2018


Best answer: There was a guy who loved tractors. He subscribed to Tractor Today magazine. He had tractor pajamas. He had tractor cross-stitch pillows, tractor posters on the wall, and he loved to discuss his favorite tractors. (Embellish at will. You get the idea.) But what he didn’t have was a lady in his life. After surveying his friends for the reasons he failed so hard at dating, he found the consensus was that, you know, not everyone loves tractors and wants to talk about them all the time. Well, he cleaned up his act. Out went the tractor decor, in came plain white sheets instead of John Deere sheets, etc. And he asked a woman out. She was charming at dinner, and he didn’t mention tractors once. It was going so well. They decided to get drink afterward, and stopped by the only bar in town. After just a couple of minutes, she apologized and said she needed to leave. It was so smoky in the bar, and it bothered her. Not wanting the date to end on a bad note, the man stood up, took a huge, massive, inhaling breath, and sucked all the smoky air out of the room. He proceeded to the doorway, where he spewed the pollution out into the night. The woman was stunned. “But... how did you do that?” she asked, incredulous. The man answered, “Simple. I’m an ex-tractor fan.”
posted by Knowyournuts at 8:57 PM on May 31, 2018 [14 favorites]


If you're looking for really long-form groaners, you might have some luck searching for shaggy dog stories, e.g. in the associated reddit.
posted by lesser weasel at 9:24 PM on May 31, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: This was my favorite of my father's arsenal of long-form dad jokes when I was a kid: the plight of the trids.
posted by muddgirl at 9:58 PM on May 31, 2018 [1 favorite]


...and if that punchline isn't as relevant today as it was in the 90s, it's a pun form that lends itself to modernization.
posted by muddgirl at 10:00 PM on May 31, 2018


Really the classic long form dad joke is the shaggy dog story, where an absurd amount of meandering plot and detail leads into a dumb pun at the end. For inspiration, Norm MacDonald's moth joke is a classic three minutes.
posted by Homeboy Trouble at 11:03 PM on May 31, 2018


Best answer: You bring a glass of water with you. This is the much-revered Smyrnian cup.

It's a rite of passage for (I'd always heard of it as sons but lets shake it up) the heirs of the family.

The father says to the heir, "you must always drink from THIS side of the cup," while running his finger along the nearest part of the rim of the glass. "But why Papa? Why must I only drink from that side of the cup?" Papa cuffs her on the ear and says, "What a stupid question. Go ask your uncle."

She asks her uncle the same question.

The uncle says to the heir, "you must always drink from THIS side of the cup," while running his finger along the nearest part of the rim of the glass. "But why uncle? Why must I only drink from that side of the cup?" Uncle cuffs her on the ear and says, "What a stupid question. Go ask your grandfather."

She asks her grandather the same question.

"Why grandfather? Why must I only drink from that side of the cup?" (at this point you lean over and drink from the other side of the cup, spilling water on yourself).

"Because if you drink from the other side your shirt will get wet."
posted by bendy at 12:03 AM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: There was a king who was king of a tropical island. He lived in a small grass hut. He had a very ornately-carved bed that was one of a kind and a beautiful throne that was also an incredible work of art.

However his hut was too small for them both to fit in the room at the same time. He had his royal handyman team rig a pulley system so at night he could winch the throne up to the ceiling to make room for the bed and during the day he could pull the bed up to make room for the throne.

Unfortunately one night while he was sleeping in his bed the pulley system failed and the throne fell from the ceiling and killed him.

The moral of that story?

People who live in grass houses shouldn't stow thrones.
posted by bendy at 12:13 AM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]


There's always the panda joke. Or the so-called world's funniest joke.

or...

Two men are building a house. One of them notices that the other man is sorting through the box of nails, looking at each one, and throwing half of them away. He says "What are you doing?" and the other guy says "Some of these nails are useless, they have their heads on the wrong end."

"You IDIOT" says the first guy. "Those nails are for the OTHER SIDE of the HOUSE!"
posted by mmoncur at 12:20 AM on June 1, 2018 [5 favorites]


Another vote for Trids joke posted above. Also, I Left My Harp in Sam Clam's Disco
posted by O9scar at 1:25 AM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: What an awesome idea for a fun-raiser.

As a cub scout leader I have a pretty good arsenal, so PM me if you'd like a few more. Here's a recent one that went over well.

A couple decided to go on vacation to thaw out during a particularly icy winter. They planned to stay at the same hotel where they spent their honeymoon 20 years earlier. Because of hectic schedules, the husband left and flew to out a day before his wife, who would fly in the following day. The husband checked into the hotel. There was a public computer available, so he decided to send an email to his wife. However, he accidentally left out one letter in her email address, and without realizing his error, sent the email.

Meanwhile, somewhere else in the country, a widow had just returned home from her husband’s funeral. The widow decided to check her email, expecting messages from relatives and friends. After reading the first message, she screamed and fainted. The widow’s son rushed into the room and saw the computer screen which read:

To: My Loving Wife
Subject: I’ve arrived
Date: May 19, 2018

I know you’re surprised to hear from me. They have computers here now and you are allowed to send emails to your loved ones. I’ve just been checked in.

I see that everything has been prepared for your arrival tomorrow.

Looking forward to seeing you then! Hope your journey is as uneventful as mine was.

P.S. Sure is hot down here
posted by scooterdog at 3:46 AM on June 1, 2018 [7 favorites]


I have evidently posted two different versions of one of my favorite punny jokes over the years.
posted by uncleozzy at 4:34 AM on June 1, 2018


Best answer: One morning, a man wakes up to find his beloved dog in terrible shape - just so obviously sick he immediately rushes to the vet.

"Please help my dog! Please! I don't know what's wrong. Help!"

The vet takes the dog to the examining room and places it on the table and begins to examine it. By now though, the dog has stopped moving... [Sigh.] The vet looks from the dog to the man and says, "I'm very sorry sir."

"What?!" the man says. "You've hardly done anything! DO something!"

"Yes sir," says the vet, and goes out of the room and comes back with a big chocolate Labrador retriever. It puts its front paws up on the table and sniffs the dog's nose. And of course, being a dog itself, it leans over and sniffs the other end. It pulls back from the table, sits down, looks at the vet, and mournfully says, "Rowwfff." The vet looks from the dog to the man and says, "I'm very, very sorry, sir."

The man says "Are you kidding? PLEASE help my dog!"

The vet says "Yes, sir," and goes out. A moment later the vet comes back with a big fluffy tabby cat and places it on the table. It looks at the dog lying on its side on the table, and steps delicately between its paws. It pulls out one claw, and gouges it right in the soft part of its belly. No bark, no whimper... nothing.

It sits down and wraps its tale around its front paws. It looks from the dog to the vet and says a sad "Mrrow."

The vet looks from it to the man and says, "I'm very, very, very sorry, sir." The man takes one last look at his dog and leaves the room.

A few minutes later, the man has composed himself and is looking out the window. The vet comes to him and carefully gives him a piece of paper. The man looks at it and his eyes grow wide.

"What?! Five hundred dollars? Five HUNDRED dollars?! How can this cost that much?"

"Well," says the vet, "sir, you did insist on the lab work and the cat scan."

=============================

Use of detail, pacing, and eye contact really matter here. Don't describe the dog's symptoms; just say it's very sick and leave the rest to the imagination. Describe the Lab and the cat in detail if you want though. Do not say "Lab" or "cat" more than once before the punch line.

Use the pacing to build the tension. Increase your pace as as you describe the man's increasing distress, but go more and more slowly and deliberately for the vet's careful moves and each "exam." After each exam, look a listener right in the eye and move to another each time vet looks from animal to man. Pause and emphasize each "very" as you go from one to two to three.

This story has never failed me.
posted by conscious matter at 6:01 AM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]


A newly-graduated M.D. is doing his residency under a urologist. At the end of his first day, the Resident is taking the bus home when a passenger on the bus collapses into the aisle, clutching his chest, as though having a heart attack. The Resident, rather than springing into action, suddenly freezes and does not give aid to the passenger.

The following day, he talks to the attending urologist about what happened. "What should I have done in that situation," he asks.

The urologist considers this. "Tell you what I would have done," he answers after a moment. "Foley catheter."

"But ... the passenger was clutching his chest. Why on earth would you give him a urinary catheter?"

"Three reasons," replies the urologist. [Here you may benefit in the telling from counting the reasons out on your fingers.]

"[confidently:] It can't hurt. [doubtfully:] It could help? [very warmly:] It's always a crowd pleaser."
posted by gauche at 6:34 AM on June 1, 2018 [2 favorites]


Best answer: (Not my joke, I read it on rec.humor.funny like over twenty years ago):

It was a hot summer day, and Luke was in the marina, having a few beers aboard his boat, patriotically named the "Fourth of July." He was waiting for his friend, Opie, to arrive so they could go for a cruise.

Unfortunately, Opie was late. He had to pick up his wife from her appointment with the obstetrician. They were able to save money on her examinations because the doctor, a fellow named Juan, was Opie's cousin. Anyway, the appointment took longer than expected, and Opie was late getting to the marina.

Luke had been drinking all this time, and was feeling no pain. When he saw Opie finally walking down the pier, he jumped up, staggered to the side of the boat to wave to his friend, and nearly fell in! Opie got there just in time to grab Luke.

Thus, it was that O.B. Juan's kin, Opie, saved Luke from falling to the dock side of the Fourth.
posted by Comrade_robot at 6:40 AM on June 1, 2018


Best answer: This duck walks into a bar and asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" Bartender says, "No, no food here, no grapes." Without another word, the duck leaves.

Next day, same duck walks in, asks the bartender, "Got any grapes?" Bartender says, a bit irked, "I told you yesterday, I don't have any grapes!" Duck leaves.

Next day, same duck, same question: "Got any grapes?" Bartenders real annoyed now, voice rising, "Listen buddy, I told you I don't got any grapes in the joint, we never had any grapes and we ain't gettin' any grapes, and if you come in here again askin' for grapes I'm gonna nail your bill right onto this bar here, got it?" Duck leaves.

Next day, same duck walks in, but this time asks "You happen to have a hammer?" Bartender, having just taken a deep breath to yell about grapes, swallows all that and just says "Nah, no hammers here."

"Great, got any grapes?"
posted by solotoro at 8:17 AM on June 1, 2018 [3 favorites]


The Cushmaker
posted by schoolgirl report at 8:54 AM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


Best answer: I saw this one online today, but I modified it a bit:

A father and his son are playing basketball when the father suddenly goes pale and grabs his chest.

"Dad! Dad? What's wrong?" the son asks.

"Son. Call me an ambulance," the man wheezes.

"Ok. ... You're an ambulance," the boy says.

"Oooh. I'm so... I'm so proud of you, son," the man says as he collapses and dies.
posted by tacodave at 4:31 PM on June 1, 2018 [1 favorite]


Response by poster: Thanks, all!! I didn't rank in the longform in the end, but I had a good showing. I did make third in the head to head battle. The judges resorted to audience votes since none of the remaining three cracked the slightest of smiles or laughed the teensiest bit. In my heart I'm a winner, and it's all thanks to you!
posted by zizzle at 7:30 AM on June 4, 2018 [2 favorites]


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