Your favorite dad joke.

December 30, 2014 7:44 AM

Please hit me with your favorite dad joke. I'm looking for those extremely lame ones like when you say, "I'm tired." Dad says, "Hey Tired, it's nice to meet you. I'm Dad." If you can cite who originally made the joke that's great, but not really needed (I just like giving credit). I would prefer short jokes to long jokes. Thank you. I'll take my answer off the air.
posted by cjorgensen to Writing & Language (104 answers total)

Pretending a [wall] stud finder is a [human] stud finder that goes off in proximity to said dad.
posted by mchorn at 7:46 AM on December 30, 2014 [24 favorites]

Dad, do you know what?
No, but I know his brother Who.

This annoyed us to no end.
posted by maxg94 at 7:47 AM on December 30, 2014 [9 favorites]

"I'm thirsty"
"I'm Friday, pleased to meet you."
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 7:47 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Every time I get up to go to the bathroom, I loudly announce to my kids, "Hey kids, I'm going to the restroom ... can I get you anything?" they love it, they really do
posted by jbickers at 7:47 AM on December 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

Is today Tuesday?
All day!
posted by duffell at 7:47 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Did you get a haircut?
Actually, I got all my hairs cut.
posted by mullacc at 7:49 AM on December 30, 2014 [13 favorites]

"Do you know [something]?"
"No, but if you hum a few bars, maybe I can sing it."
posted by SillyShepherd at 7:54 AM on December 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

There was a front page post not too long ago about somebody asking her Twitter followers to tell her "the most Dad thing your dad has ever done". I can't seem to find the FPP, but I found one of the two or three links.

Somebody, for instance, reported that her dad, when asked what a movie was about, would always say, "About an hour and a half." The FPP was an absolute treasure trove of that kind of stuff. Anyway, here's the link.
posted by Sing Or Swim at 7:57 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

To Bank Teller Who Is Asking How You'd Like Your Cash:

"Anyway, as long as it's green!"
"Doesn't matter, it all spends the same!"
"Hundreds!" (if the amount of cash back is less than $100)

To Any Customer Service Rep Asking If You Need Anything Else:

"Just the winning lottery numbers!"
posted by Juliet Banana at 7:57 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

There's a whole subreddit devoted to dad jokes. Here are the top posts. Topical: "You shouldn't kiss anyone on January 1st because it's only the first date."
posted by Nelson at 8:01 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

My Dad Thinks He's Funny by Katrina Germein is full of these.

From the blurb:

When his son says "I’m hungry," Dad says, "Hello, Hungry. Pleased to meet you." Before slicing a cake for dessert, Dad announces, "There’s my piece. What’s everybody else having?" Tell Dad your foot hurts? "No problem. You’ve got another." How is he feeling? "With my hands."
posted by carrioncomfort at 8:01 AM on December 30, 2014

"I'm going to the store to pick up some cotton balls."
"That's funny, I didn't know cotton had balls."

Repeat over and over again with any phrase containing the word 'balls.'
posted by ActionPopulated at 8:03 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Would you like your milk in the bag?
No, just leave it in the jug.
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:03 AM on December 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

http://www.reddit.com/r/dadjokes
posted by General Malaise at 8:04 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Dad, can I have X?"
"How much does it cost?"
"Five dollars."
"AMERICAN?!?!?!?"

Also Mallory Ortberg solicited dad jokes/stories on Twitter a few months back. I shamelessly stole the idea of frequently beginning stories with "Well, back on my home planet..." My kids will treasure this for the rest of their lives.
posted by middleclasstool at 8:06 AM on December 30, 2014 [10 favorites]

Every time I get up to go to the bathroom

My dad would always say "Mention my name, you'll get a good seat."

Any time I tripped over something, he'd say "See you next Fall!"
posted by ludwig_van at 8:07 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

My dad made the best joke when I was a kid - we were interviewing our parents for some school project and we were supposed to ask what job they'd have if they could have any job in the world. "Philanthropist," said my dad.

Honestly, though, I think a lot of "dad jokes" are really about "how can I be charming but nonthreatening in a way that fits in with how I've learned about masculinity". All those joking-with-the-bank-teller jokes, for instance, are totally "I want to be friendly and charming but I don't want you to think I'm flirting or to come across as a creep".
posted by Frowner at 8:09 AM on December 30, 2014 [12 favorites]

It was because of my father that from the ages of seven to fifteen, I thought that my name was Jesus Christ and my brother, Russell, thought that his name was Dammit. "Dammit, will you stop all that noise?" And, "Jesus Christ, sit down!" One day, I'm out playing in the rain, and my father yelled, "Dammit will you get back in here!" I said, "Dad, I'm Jesus Christ!"

--Bill Cosby
posted by Melismata at 8:11 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I'm trying to teach my son that "quesadilla" is Spanish for "what's the deal?"

I didn't make that up, but I can't remember where I got it from.
posted by Betelgeuse at 8:14 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

My dad would say "I see, said the blind man, to his deaf daughter, on the broken telephone."

"You make a better door than a window" when we were blocking his view of the TV.

"Go play in traffic" when he wanted to get rid of us. Also when we asked for something to eat "How about a knuckle sandwich?"
posted by emjaybee at 8:18 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Every time my brother or I wandered off accidentally, he'd call out, "Write if you get work!"
posted by jaguar at 8:18 AM on December 30, 2014 [13 favorites]

Whenever I tell my dad I ran into someone at the store, bank, whatever, he ALWAYS responds with "Oh yeah? Did you knock him over?" Sigh. Daaaaaad!
posted by silverstatue at 8:19 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

In our house, it was "'I see.' said the blind man and he picked up his hammer and saw."

"You can call me anything, just don't call me late for dinner"

When wishing for the impossible, "If we had ham, we could make ham and eggs, if we had eggs" or "if wishes were horses, beggars would ride" or "If 'if' and 'and" were pots and pans, tinkers would be rich"

By the way, these were actually mom lines in my house but learned from her own dad, I'm sure.
posted by metahawk at 8:27 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

(When really enthusiastic about something) "Right arm! Farm trout! Out of state!"
posted by chainsofreedom at 8:30 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Me: "I'm bored."
Grandpa: "Go wash an elephant."
posted by jaksemas at 8:31 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

When blocking the television: "I know you're a pain/pane, but you're not a window"
When tripping over something: "Nice trip, see you next fall."

My pop would always tell "jokes" that he'd start out as a real story and he'd hook you in good so you'd really believe the story and then he'd end the story with "....so I ran from the guy and jumped over a fence, but he caught up and started pulling my leg. Just like I'm pulling yours!" There was another one about a guy who stole his lunch from the bus and how he didn't chase him because it was "full of baloney".

/groan
posted by NoraCharles at 8:35 AM on December 30, 2014 [4 favorites]

Me - When's your birthday?
Dad - April 5th
Me - What year?
Dad - Every year.
posted by wwax at 8:35 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

What did Earth say to the other planets?
You guys have no life.

Two peanuts were walking down the street, one was a salted.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 8:37 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Dad, do you know what?
No, but I know his brother Who.

And further:

Son, do you know what?
No, but I know who!zing!
In reply, not missing a beat
Yep, I know the whole clan: who, what, when, where, why, and even cousin how!

Takeaway: Never try to out-Dad a Dad. No one wins.
posted by eclectist at 8:39 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

I always think of dad jokes as probably originating from the same place as Yogi Berra humour.
posted by urbanlenny at 8:42 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

"Do you know about Shakespeare?" [Holds out his hand to shake. When you go to reciprocate he slides his hand past yours and pokes you in the stomach.] "Shake! Spear!"
posted by MsMolly at 8:44 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

So there's two fish in a tank...
One says, "How do you drive this thing".
posted by Confess, Fletch at 8:46 AM on December 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

Here is my own dad "joke" that I use on the kids. Whenever they say "I love (something)" I always respond "Then why don't you marry it?"
posted by BozoBurgerBonanza at 8:49 AM on December 30, 2014

I say "wee" a lot which my Dad takes the piss out of.

Do you want a wee cup of coffee?
No but I'll have a large one.

Do you have a wee pen?
No but I have a normal sized one.

Etc etc.
posted by billiebee at 8:51 AM on December 30, 2014

Sometimes when my dad picks up the phone, he says "Murphy's Tavern, Murphy's not here, this is O'Shaughnessy the bartender speaking."

Sometimes when he belches, he makes a sound with his lips like a horse and says "Steady, big fella."

Alternatively, after a belch, he says "Speak again, sweet lips, so I can find you in the dark."
posted by ottereroticist at 8:53 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

Here's the earlier FPP on this, which has a bunch of good ones.
posted by Lexica at 9:00 AM on December 30, 2014

"They call this "Gopher Wood" (when putting a log on the fire)

"Gopher wood?"

"Yes - it burns so quickly as soon as you put one on you have to GOPHER another one"


waap waaaaap
posted by JenThePro at 9:09 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My dad's favorite is when you ask "Are you serious?" and his reply is "No, I'm Dad." Sometimes he goes with "Sirius was a Roman guy, I'm Dad."

Also if we're on the phone and I say "hold on" he says "what should I hold on to?"

The worst thing is that at age 31 I *still* fall for both of these. For a while I got good at saying "Are you being serious?" but no longer.
posted by radioamy at 9:09 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Do you want to hear kind of a long joke?

jooooooooooke
posted by empath at 9:09 AM on December 30, 2014 [11 favorites]

kid: "My tummy hurts."

Dad: "Oh, does your face hurt?"

kid: "no."

Dad: Well it's killing me!
posted by empath at 9:10 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Have you seen my phone?" (looking for something)

"Sure, lots of times."
posted by cmoj at 9:17 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

"Do you know what time it is?"
"Yes."

Everyone loves that one.
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 9:21 AM on December 30, 2014 [9 favorites]

The Sunday newspaper with the color comics would come, and I would ask my dad if I could see the funnies. He would say, "You want to see the funnies? Look in the mirror!'

In our house it was "I see, said the blind man, as he stood pissing into the wind. It all comes back to me now."
posted by Rob Rockets at 9:31 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Pull my finger!
posted by mimi at 9:32 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Hey Dad, what time is it?"

Two variations, the classic, "Time for you to get a watch!" and the more subtle and annoying, *looks at watch*, "Oh, it's about that time."
posted by WidgetAlley at 9:33 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Whenever we asked "Where's the [x]?" and the item we were looking for was in close proximity to us (you know, always, since we never really looked for anything, we wanted our parents to find it and bring it to us), my dad would say, "If it was a snake, it woulda bit ya!"
posted by peep at 9:34 AM on December 30, 2014

In addition to all of the above (and, boy, are you guys making me miss my own father!), my dad like to sit back after any kind of 'ethnic' meal --- Chinese, Italian, French, you name it --- and sigh loudly, before announcing "that was delicious, just like my old Chinese/Italian/French/whatever mother used to make"..... the joke was that Dad, of course, was born in Stuttgart and raised in Philadelphia.

He was also very fond of "it's a good thing you've got spares!" whenever you'd stub a toe or smash a finger. (See also, "Dad, it hurts when I do this" --- response: "well then don't do that!")
posted by easily confused at 9:36 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

My sister and I would sometimes fuss over words that we couldn't pronounce. We'd say, "I can't say Constantinople," and pronounce it wrong or write down the word we were talking about. My father would look at us, deadpan, and say, "I can't say asparagus." (Pronouncing it perfectly, waiting for us to get the joke.)
posted by Melismata at 9:46 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Not a joke per se, but the talk of speaking to people working in service sector and being all "Dad" makes me think of what my Father-in-Law does almost every time we are are out. He asks for advice or opinion or listens to what is listed and then states, "Well, you've never lied to me before," especially prevalent at restaurants when he is trying to figure out what to order. Most of what he does is the: "I want to be friendly and charming but I don't want you to think I'm flirting or to come across as a creep," that Frowner mentioned, to me that is a big part of the Dad, er, idiom.

My step-father was big on this, too, but was mostly more specific to the fact that he was a British man living in the South and so was asked about every 5 minutes where he was from - and he unfailing answered in a joking manner, like the last town we had lived in, or the neighborhood where we lived, etc.
posted by dawg-proud at 9:47 AM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

It's not really a joke, but when I was a kid if I or my siblings ran to my dad and said "I stubbed my toe/bumped my head/[insert minor injury here]" he'd always say "That was a dumb thing to do."
posted by The Card Cheat at 9:54 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

"Dad, can you make me a peanut butter sandwich?"
"POOF! You're a peanut butter sandwich."
posted by roger ackroyd at 10:05 AM on December 30, 2014 [17 favorites]

Another variation on "What time is it?" Looks at wrist, "A hair past a mole."

Also "Dad, can I x?"
"I don't know, can you?"
posted by Shanda at 10:06 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Somebody, for instance, reported that her dad, when asked what a movie was about, would always say, "About an hour and a half."


"Hey dad, how does a TV work?"
"Pretty well, in my experience."
posted by Nonsteroidal Anti-Inflammatory Drug at 10:11 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My brother was sitting at the kitchen table.
My dad was standing by the sink about to make us snacks.
Brother says, "hey Dad, can you wash me off an apple?"
Dad grabs an apple out of the bowl, inspects it, says, "no I can't."
Brother looks incredulous.
Dad picks up apple again, points at it, says, "I don't see you on here!"
posted by phunniemee at 10:11 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

"Hey, Dad."
"Hay is for horses."
posted by mynameisluka at 10:13 AM on December 30, 2014

> "Hay is for horses."

Better for cows, pigs won't eat it because they don't know how.
posted by Gev at 10:22 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

On coming into a room and promptly forgetting why:

"What're you thinking about?"
"Thinking about the hereafter. What'd I come here after?"
posted by coppermoss at 10:23 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Waitress: "How was everything?"
Dad: "Well I didn't have everything, but what I ordered was great!"

Cashier: "Did you find everything ok?"
Dad: "Well I wasn't looking for everything, but I did find what I needed!"

When I had a job as a cashier, I caught myself wording that question very specifically to avoid any possibility of discomfort my dad loved causing.
posted by E3 at 10:27 AM on December 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

Cashier, "Did you find everything you wanted."
Dad, "No, but I found everything I needed."
posted by Confess, Fletch at 10:34 AM on December 30, 2014

"What is that X doing in/on the Y?"
"Looks like the backstroke to me!"
posted by matildaben at 10:41 AM on December 30, 2014

"I got dunlap disease. My belly dun lap over my pants."

"Pull my finger."

"Want to play 52 pickup?
posted by govtdrone at 10:48 AM on December 30, 2014

In my house, it was "Hay is for horses/straw's cheaper/grass is free."
posted by stevis23 at 10:55 AM on December 30, 2014

Wanna hertz donut? (slugs arm) Hurts? Don't it?

har dee har har.

and im still waiting for that donut. :(
posted by ian1977 at 10:58 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Dad: how old are you
Me: 5
Dad: 5! I was 7 by the time I was your age.
posted by RustyBrooks at 10:59 AM on December 30, 2014 [16 favorites]

[During summer vacation]

Dad: Are you tan from the sun?
Kid: Yes.
Dad: Glad to meet you. I'm Dad from the Earth.
posted by mono blanco at 11:00 AM on December 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

"My foot/hand/skinned knee/etc hurts!"
Dad: "Uh oh, we'll have to amputate!"

"What are we having for lunch?"
Dad: "Food."
"What kind of food? "
Dad: "Good food."
"What kind of good food?"
Dad: "Chocolate covered bumblebees."
posted by snorkmaiden at 11:01 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Dad, can you make me a peanut butter sandwich?"
"POOF! You're a peanut butter sandwich."

Ah, this reminded me!

Kid: [crying about an injury or owie]
Dad: Is it that bad? Want me to call you a doctor?
Kid: Yes!
Dad: You're a doctor!

Can substitute "ambulance" for doctor. "You're an ambulance!" is pretty funny.
posted by peep at 11:05 AM on December 30, 2014 [3 favorites]

Any family member at dinnertime: "Wow, that smells good!"
Dad: "That's just me."

Any family member says "Oh my god" or "Jesus Christ" or similar...
Dad: "Yes?"

Also, my dad likes to start telling a joke as though it's a real thing that happened to him, and you don't realize until he's about halfway through that it's just a joke. His favorite: "You wouldn't believe what I saw today on [local street name]! I was at a stop sign when this ambulance raced by and took a really sharp turn onto [other local street name], and the back doors flew open and one of those styrofoam coolers fell out. Turned out the guy inside had accidentally cut off his toe and they were racing him to the hospital to sew it back on, wow!!" At this point, the unsuspecting listener usually asks if the ambulance stopped to get the toe. "No," Dad says with delight. "They called a TOW TRUCK."

HAR HAR HAR DEE HAR
posted by QuickedWeen at 11:30 AM on December 30, 2014 [8 favorites]

[Driving past a cemetery] People are just dying to get in there!

[Driving past a corn field] Be careful what you say -- there are ears everywhere!

[Wants me to leave him alone] Put an egg in your shoe, and beat it!
(Optional tagline to the above or any other "joke") That's a yolk, son!
posted by mean square error at 11:44 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

In the days before spellcheck, ("Back on my home planet...") if you asked my Dad how to spell a word, the answer was always, "D-I-C-T-I-O-N-A-R-Y".
posted by Rock Steady at 11:46 AM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My father had buckets of these. My favorite:

Insufferable Bore at Lunch: "Hey, you hear - I got a Corvette for my wife!"

My Dad: "Really, how'd you make a trade like that?"

My Dad was the king of one-liners. I used to kid him that one line was all he could remember.
posted by Colonel Sun at 11:53 AM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Sigh.

If I ever said I was thirsty, my dad would say, "Well Hey Thirsty! I'm Friday. Lets get together on Saturday and have a Sunday!"

So cheesy. LOVE IT.
posted by Sara_NOT_Sarah at 12:19 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

"Hi, Dad! What are you up to?"
"Oh, 'bout 6 foot 4"
posted by amarynth at 12:20 PM on December 30, 2014

Did you get a haircut?
I got them all cut!

Every time someone belches:
"Bring it up again and we'll vote on it!"

Also it wasn't till sometime in college that I realized that "gride" isn't another word for dustpan (because it goes with the broom)
posted by Mchelly at 12:31 PM on December 30, 2014 [12 favorites]

"Do you know what time it is?"
"Yes."

Everyone loves that one.

"Have you got the time?"
"Yes, if you've got the money"

And needs explanation, but:

"How do you think the Australians will find the Basin Reserve?" [asked because the conditions on cricket grounds vary greatly, and suit different kinds of players, or batsmen vs bowlers]
"Go straight down Cambridge Terrace, they can't miss it"
posted by Pink Frost at 12:59 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Any time I asked what we were having for dinner, the answer was always "camels' toes."

I'm actually pretty disappointed by the more common use of that term.
posted by Madamina at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2014

I can't believe nobody has posted this...
Estelle: Daaad, can you put my socks on?
Me: Estelle, your socks are way too small for me.

or

Estelle: Daaad, can you take my shoes off?
Me: But, I'm not wearing your shoes.

Every.Time.
posted by pandabearjohnson at 1:25 PM on December 30, 2014 [5 favorites]

When leaving the house: "Well, as they say in Russia, I Mos-go!" GROAN.
posted by LynnDee at 1:36 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Madamina: "Any time I asked what we were having for dinner, the answer was always "camels' toes." "

My Dad's stock answer to that question was "Liver and Onions". I was well into adulthood when I discovered that that was actually a dish people chose to eat, and not a random combination of the two grossest things my Dad could think of.
posted by Rock Steady at 1:39 PM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

"I'll have coffee without cream, and if you don't have any cream, I'll have coffee without milk."
posted by SillyShepherd at 3:40 PM on December 30, 2014 [6 favorites]

When he put on a coat, with one arm halfway through the sleeve, Dad pointed the limp end of the sleeve at your face and asked, "Hey, you ever seen stars out of a coat sleeve?" Then his fist came pushing out and he'd shout, "Boom! See the stars?"

Hanging a picture or moving a piece of furniture, someone says, "There, that's perfect!" And Dad says, "Oh, no, not perfect. We don't do perfect. But we do damn good!"

"Horse walks into a bar. Bartender says, 'Why the long face?'"

"How many dead people you think are in that cemetery? ALL of them!"
posted by peakcomm at 4:07 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

I remember listening to Berlioz's Requiem in high school when my dad walked in.
Dad: Isn't that the composer that's never in debt?
Me: Huh?
Dad: Because he barely owes!

And one I've inflicted on my own:
Kid: Daddy, we saw something cool today!
Me: What was it? A refrigerator? An air conditioner?
posted by rouftop at 4:07 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Anytime I ask my dad for change for anything ("do you have four quarters" etc) he says "WE CAN MAKE CHANGE!"; he also says this regarding cashiers and the like a lot. This got much more complicated during the 2008 election, and after Obama won he kept making jokes about working in the White House gift shop so he could make "change we can believe in" jokes.

Also, he is a newspaper reporter, and sometimes he dresses up for Halloween as a newspaper reporter by wearing a fedora with a press pass in it, and I'm not sure if that is exactly what you are thinking of but it seems related.
posted by NoraReed at 4:12 PM on December 30, 2014

[Driving past a cemetery] People are just dying to get in there!

It's the dead center of town!

Did you know that the word "gullible" isn't in the dictionary?
posted by sneebler at 4:36 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

It's nice to see you're back.

...especially after seeing your front!
posted by entropone at 4:37 PM on December 30, 2014

Whenever we were in a bad mood my dad would say in the most slowest self-pitying dry monotone

"I haven't smiled in five years and my face is all covered in wrinkles"

Then we had to try to repeat it without laughing
posted by xorry at 5:54 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

These dad-jokes are courtesy of my uncle (who is also a dad):

"What time is it?"
"A hair past a freckle!"

"What's up the road?"
"A head!"

"Can I help you?"
"I'm beyond help!"

---

My grandpa looooved visual gags, and my mom always said she fell for these every time as a kid. (Granted, they're more one-time-use value...)

1. Put a lightbulb in a paper lunchbag. Place bag in fridge. Wait for unsuspecting kid to discover bag. "Dad, why is this lightbulb in the refrigerator?"
"I'm taking a light lunch!"

2. Leave a mason jar by the door. "Dad, why is this jar sitting here?"
"I'm leaving the door a-jar!"

3. My favorite: the good ol' floppy-plastic sink-stopper sandwich. Add a post-it under the sandwich: "Bet you thought this was a buncha baloney!" (groan!)
(Reminder: pack lunch with an "extra" real sandwich.)

yay dad jokes
posted by cardinality at 6:02 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Well, well, well.
Three holes in the ground.

Pull. My. Finger.

Yes, it was said upthread. But Dads and Granddads say it All. The. Damn. Time.
posted by BlueHorse at 6:13 PM on December 30, 2014

I think he got this from the Goons:

"What?"
"Only one watt? You're not very bright."
posted by lollusc at 6:40 PM on December 30, 2014

Is today Tuesday?
All day!
...and half the night!

[Driving past a cemetery] People are just dying to get in there!
That's the dead centre of [town] over there.

Apart from far too many of the above, I answer any long, complicated question from my kids with 'yes'.
posted by dg at 7:11 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh, and when my Dad hears a child crying in the grocery store or something, he Al aye comments, "Well! Another country heard from."
posted by chainsofreedom at 7:23 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My father, so he gleefully claims, asked us when we were at the right age for it to work: "Who has the stupidest brother?".

We responded by pointing at the other.
posted by squishles at 7:59 PM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Walk into a room... not many people there; say "Where is everyone?". Dad responds "what am I, chopped liver?" (that was actually from my homeroom teacher, freshman year in high-school, but it fits the criteria well.)
posted by hydra77 at 8:37 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

Oh lord, my father in law has said many of these things at one time or another, but the one I have to add that I haven't yet seen is this:
Unsuspecting child: "What's for dinner?"
Father in law, straight-faced: "Monkeyhips and rice!"

I may have to show him this thread, give him some ammo for tomorrow night's party.
posted by msali at 9:02 PM on December 30, 2014

Until this AskMe question, I never realized how much I liked 'dad humor' - the jokes in here are cracking me up. Guess it's timely, as my first child was born last week (w00t!).

Anyway, whenever someone uses the word 'ass' as a modifier, I mentally move the hyphen to make what they're saying about an 'ass-[thing]'. To wit:

Them - "Hey, did you see that big-ass truck?"
Me - "What's an ass-truck?"

Hooooo, man - nobody but me likes that joke, but I LOOOVE it. Looks like I'm ready to be a dad.
posted by Pecinpah at 10:18 PM on December 30, 2014 [2 favorites]

Hey, Pecinpah
posted by Johnny Wallflower at 10:26 PM on December 30, 2014 [1 favorite]

My 14yo asks a lot of what if questions. I've recently started replying to the nonsense ones like this: "What if? What if my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle."
posted by bricksNmortar at 5:51 AM on December 31, 2014

Response by poster: This thread has been my happy place for a day now. Thank you. Keep them coming.
posted by cjorgensen at 11:28 AM on December 31, 2014

Someone sniffing the air: Something stinks!

Dad: Are you sure it's not your upper lip?
posted by cmoj at 12:12 PM on December 31, 2014

Whenever my dad farts (which is pretty often), he looks up to the sky and holds up his palm, as if he has heard thunder and is checking for rain. He may also be the only person alive to still make "not!" jokes.

Also nthing all jokes related to liver, including both "what am I, chopped liver?" and "liver and onions" for dinner.
posted by dizziest at 4:13 PM on December 31, 2014 [1 favorite]

Me: "Dad, do you know what time it is?"
Dad: "No, but if you hum a few bars, I'll fake it!"
(I always assumed this one was Groucho Marx, because Dad would wiggle his eyebrows and mime holding a cigar when he said it.)

----

[phone rings]
Dad: "Better get that, it could be the phone!"

----

Me: "Dad, is today Wednesday?"
Dad: "All day, unless it rains."
Me: "What happens if it rains?!?"
Dad: "You get wet."
posted by mon-ma-tron at 9:57 PM on December 31, 2014 [2 favorites]

So many of these sound like my dad. He loves the, "Write when you find work!" thing, and uses it when people go off to use the restroom, even. When we pass a field of hay, he says, "Hay!" Or when he sees someone out in a field, he'd say, "Look at that guy! He's outstanding in his field."

Also did this one:
"Make me a milkshake."
"Poof. You're a milkshake."

I had an embarrassing moment the first time I visited Arizona, as my dad had told me all about Goatcheese, the famous leader of an uprising, which I then told the people I was with all about, in detail. There were goats in my story, and yes, cheese, and my dad still chuckles about that.

Amputation of sore limbs, yep. Got that one, too. Or the, "I hurt my foot," being responded to with, "Good thing you've got another one!" His best remedy for a headache was to suggest dropping a hammer on your toe. "How will that help my head?" He'd say, "It won't, but the pain in your toe will make you forget all about it."

"Dad, is it Wednesday today?"
"Yep, but just until midnight."

Eating cake? Good. It will give you all the vitamins C, A, K and E you need.

Cookies without nuts are girl cookies. At the local Baskin Robbins, when the girl behind the counter would make his sundae and ask if he wanted nuts, he would always say, "Nope. Make it a girl sundae."

I've done this with my own kids, without even thinking about it. My youngest thought, until a few years ago (he's 16) that if he farted in public, he should sniff it all up so no one else would smell it. That was inspired by all the silly things my dad told me.

My dad's favorite Christmas jokes:
Knock knock
Who's there?
Centipede
Centipede who?
Santa peed on my Christmas tree!

Or, what goes, "Ho ho ho thump!"
Santa laughing his head off.
posted by routergirl at 9:21 AM on January 2, 2015 [6 favorites]

I'll take my answer off the air.

You're not going to take it off the thread?
I'll show myself out.
posted by duffell at 2:40 PM on July 12, 2015

Here is dad joke PSA: Dad Joke Survivors.
posted by vespabelle at 8:37 PM on September 11, 2015