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What do you call a deer with no eyes?
November 8, 2010 11:59 AM   Subscribe

What do you call a deer with no eyes? No idea. Please tell me more jokes like this!

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs?
Still no idea.

What do you call a deer with no eyes or legs that's bleeding?
Still no bloody idea.

---

What do you call a woman who can balance two pints of beer on her head?
Beatrix.

What do you call a woman who can balance two pints of beer on her head whilst playing snooker?
Beatrix Potter.

---

More please!
posted by katrielalex to Writing & Language (83 answers total) 104 users marked this as a favorite
 
What do you call a girl with one leg?

Eileen.
posted by Rock Steady at 12:02 PM on November 8, 2010


What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs?

Matt?

What do you call a guy with no arms and no legs in the ocean?

Bob
posted by sanka at 12:04 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pool? Bob.
In a hot tub? Stu.
In Tina Turner's throat? Mike.
In Liberace's throat? Dick.
On the floor? Matt.
On a wall? Art.
Two armless, legless guys on a wall? Curt and Rod.
What about a woman with one leg? Eileen.
From Japan? Irene.
posted by mkb at 12:04 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a cross between an elephant and a rhino? Hell if I know.
posted by applemeat at 12:04 PM on November 8, 2010 [13 favorites]


What have you got to tell about your last visit to the coffee shop?
Met a filter
posted by Namlit at 12:05 PM on November 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


What do you call a blind dinosaur?

A Doyouthinkhesawus.

What do you call a blind dinosaur's seeing-eye dog?

A Doyouthinkhesawus-Rex.

--

What do you call a fish with no eyes?

A fsh.

--

What do you call a man with a spade stuck on his head?

Doug (alternative answer: An ambulance).
posted by fight or flight at 12:05 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs in a pile of leaves?
Russel.
posted by SugarAndSass at 12:06 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


A huge list.
posted by mkb at 12:07 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Not sure if it's what you're looking for, but it seems to fit the model:

Ask me if I'm an Orange.
Are you an orange?
No.
posted by stoneweaver at 12:09 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What's brown and sticky?

A stick.


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
posted by Pickman's Next Top Model at 12:09 PM on November 8, 2010 [9 favorites]



What's brown and sounds like a bell?

Dung!

posted by Confess, Fletch at 12:12 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call an exploding ape?

A baboom.



How do you kill a circus?

Go for the juggler.
posted by Happy Dave at 12:14 PM on November 8, 2010 [9 favorites]


Why was the sand wet?

The seaweed.
posted by Kafkaesque at 12:17 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What's red and smells like blue paint?

Red paint.
posted by punchtothehead at 12:18 PM on November 8, 2010 [12 favorites]


What do you call two Mexicans playing basketball?


Juan on Juan
posted by low affect at 12:18 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What's long, brown and sticky?
A stick!
posted by pootler at 12:18 PM on November 8, 2010


Did you only want pun jokes in a series, or any jokes in a series, or just pun jokes?

What's Irish and sits outside all night?
Patty O'Furniture

What's the difference between and elephant and a grape?
Grapes are purple.

What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Look, Jane, there are the elephants coming over the hill!

What did Tarzan say to Jane when he saw the elephants coming over the hill wearing sunglasses?
Nothing, he didn't recognize them.

What did Jane say to Tarzan when she saw the elephants coming over the hill?
Look, Tarzan, here come the grapes! (Jane was color-blind)
posted by Mchelly at 12:21 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.
posted by Comrade_robot at 12:23 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a guy with 50 rabbits up his bum?

Warren.
posted by gaspode at 12:24 PM on November 8, 2010 [5 favorites]


I just want to get on record by way of saying I totally wrote this myself.

What do you call two guys with no arms and legs hanging on to your windowsill by their teeth?

Curt n Rod.


Also, and old saw that is totally offensive

What is the smartest thing that ever came out of a woman's mouth?
Einstein's dick.
posted by timsteil at 12:26 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What's blue and looks like a bucket? A blue bucket.
What's red and looks like a bucket? A red bucket.
What's green and has wheels? Grass, I lied about the wheels.

This is my favorite joke, bar none. I guess it's because typically jokes are worded to lead to the answer being some kind of clever wordplay. The idea of lying in a joke gets me every time; I still bust out laughing when I tell this one.
posted by InsanePenguin at 12:27 PM on November 8, 2010 [8 favorites]


What's the difference between ignorance and apathy.

I don't know and I don't care!
posted by ninazer0 at 12:28 PM on November 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


What do you call a cow with two legs?

Lean beef.

What do you call a cow with no legs?

Ground beef.


We always added a third to this chain:

What do you call a cow masturbating in a field?

Beef Stroganoff.
posted by griseus at 12:31 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Previously.
posted by gurple at 12:32 PM on November 8, 2010


--How do you get an elephant into a Safeway bag?
--I don't know, how?
--Well, first you take the S out of "Safe" and the F out of "way."
--There's no F in "way"!
--Exactly.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 12:35 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


--I got a good knock-knock joke. You go first.
--Okay, knock-knock.
--Who's there?
--[attempt at response, puzzlement, then a flash of anger]
posted by infinitewindow at 12:42 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What do you call a man with a seagull on his head?

Cliff.
posted by Decani at 12:52 PM on November 8, 2010


What do you call a man with no arms or legs in a tree? Russell
posted by girl scientist at 12:53 PM on November 8, 2010


Why couldn't Mozart find his teacher?

Because his teacher was Haydn.
posted by bondcliff at 12:54 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What do you call a man with no arms and no legs [...] On a wall? Art.

What do you call his arms and legs?

Pieces of art.
posted by shakespeherian at 12:55 PM on November 8, 2010


What did the fish say when he ran into a wall?
Dam.
posted by Skot at 1:02 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


Where did Napoleon keep his armies?

In his sleevies!
posted by brand-gnu at 1:10 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What's brown and rhymes with Snoop?

Dr. Dre
posted by brand-gnu at 1:11 PM on November 8, 2010 [13 favorites]


Did you hear about the Mexican with two penises?
He called one José and the other Hose B1

What do you call a man with 5 penises?
Dunno, but his underwear fits him like a glove.

1Know your audience - as simple as this joke is, if your audience has a doctor in it, dress it up along the lines of "I read the oddest study the other day about corrective surgery done on a man from Tijuana who had a bifurcated penis. And while it was interesting how the surgeon corrected the bifurcation, ensuring all functionality was there, in describing patient's history he noted that the patient called one José..." Every doctor I've told this to has gotten sucked into the medical side of it so completely that the punchline hits especially hard.
posted by plinth at 1:17 PM on November 8, 2010 [6 favorites]


What's gray?
A melted penguin.

What's gray and comes in buckets?
An elephant.

posted by nebulawindphone at 1:21 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A pi-i-ig.
posted by wryly at 1:22 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs and no balls?

Still no fucking idea.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 1:24 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Esther!
Esther who?
Esther Bunny!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Annather Esther Bunny!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Stella!
Stella who?
Stell - Anna ther Esther Bunny!

Knock, knock!
Who's there?
Phillip!
Phillip who?
Phillip the room with Esther Bunnies!!
posted by SLC Mom at 1:35 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What do you call a man with a tree on his head?

Edward.


What do you call a mean with three trees on his head?

Edward Woodward.
posted by biffa at 1:35 PM on November 8, 2010


I think these are properly called "crap jokes". Some more examples:

What do you call a woman with a tile on her head?
Ruth.

What do you call a woman without a tile on her head?
Ruthless.

Why is an elephant big, gray and wrinkly?
Because if it were small, round and white it'd be an aspirin.

Why do elephants paint their nuts red?
So they can hide in cherry trees...

How did Tarzan die?
Picking cherries.

What's black and white and can't get through a revolving door?
A nun with a spear through her head.

Why did they award the farmer a Nobel Prize?
Because he was out standing in his field.

What did the Zen Master say to the hotdog vendor?
Make me one with everything.
posted by 7-7 at 1:46 PM on November 8, 2010 [4 favorites]


What's pink and wrinkly and hangs out yer underpants?

Yer mum!
posted by citands at 1:48 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


The Conclusive, Definitive, Official Dewey, Cheetham, & Howe Staff List
posted by ellenaim at 2:01 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What do you call a fly with no wings?
A walk.
posted by IanMorr at 2:14 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What do you call cheese that isn't yours?
Nacho cheese.
posted by number9dream at 2:30 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What do you call a woman with a frog on her head?
Lily.

Why do communists only drink herbal tea?
Because proper tea is theft.
posted by knapah at 2:37 PM on November 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


I have a friend who laughs and laughs at this every time, because it's so *stupid*:

What do you call a sheep with no legs?
A cloud.
posted by Elysum at 2:37 PM on November 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


Why has Edward Woodward got 4 'd's in his name?

Because otherwise he'd be known as Ewar Woowar.
posted by Chairboy at 2:42 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Where does Captain Hook keep his buccaneers?

Under his buckin' hat!
posted by jara1953 at 2:50 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Did you hear about the magic tractor?
It turned into a field.
posted by knapah at 3:21 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


What ticks on the wall?

Ticky tape!

(Apologies to those who know sticky tape by a weird name like Durex or sellotape.)
posted by malibustacey9999 at 3:38 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


I think these are properly called "crap jokes".

Indeed!


So, anyone hear about the lesbian dinosaurs?

Lickalottapus.
posted by applemeat at 3:51 PM on November 8, 2010


The nun joke (which I came here to post) is better as a series of bad jokes based off the newspaper joke:

What's black and white and read all over?
A newspaper
(guffaws of inappropriately loud laughter)

What's black and white and red all over?
A nun falling down the stairs

Then you use the spear through the head joke. The total disconnect is key to the series of jokes, and also why you'll find it hard to get your friends to answer your phone calls for months at a time.
posted by Ghidorah at 3:58 PM on November 8, 2010


Q Why does an elephant have four feet?
A Because if he had six inches they would be extinct by now.
posted by timsteil at 4:19 PM on November 8, 2010 [3 favorites]


What's a foot long and slippery?
A slipper.

How do you catch a unique rabbit?
Unique up on it.

How do you catch a tame rabbit?
Tame way, unique up on it.

Two drums and cymbal fall off a cliff.
BA-DUM TSSHH
posted by dephlogisticated at 4:56 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?

A carrot.
posted by otterpop at 5:19 PM on November 8, 2010


What kind of bees give milk?
Bewbies!

An elephant looks at Adam in the Garden of Eden, and says,
"How do you breathe through that thing?"
posted by IAmBroom at 5:27 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


My sister and I used to amuse ourselves with dead baby jokes. Turns out they've been collected: http://www.dead-baby-joke.com/dbj_001.htm

Also, one of my favourites:

Q: How many surrealists does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Fish.
posted by wilful at 5:38 PM on November 8, 2010


What do you call a Mexican that lost his car?


Carlos
posted by low affect at 6:11 PM on November 8, 2010


This metafilter thread had a bunch of them.
posted by that girl at 6:23 PM on November 8, 2010


What's green and will kill you if it falls out of a tree and lands on you?

A pool table.
posted by workerant at 6:29 PM on November 8, 2010


What do you a three legged donkey?
A wonky donkey

what do you call a three legged donkey that plays guitar?
a wonky plonky donkey

what do you call a three legged donkey that plays guitar and does an elvis impression?
a wonky plonky honky tonky donkey

what do you call a three legged donkey that plays guitar, does an elvis impression and can read?
a smart ass
posted by dismitree at 6:56 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


George W Bush crashed his car into a tree yesterday.
Al Qaeda said that they planted it.
posted by knapah at 7:00 PM on November 8, 2010


Where do you find a dog with no legs?
Right where you left it.

What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter, it can't come to you anyway.
posted by Guernsey Halleck at 8:27 PM on November 8, 2010


What's red and invisible?

No tomatoes.
posted by ghostbikes at 8:44 PM on November 8, 2010 [7 favorites]


Did you hear about the two tankers that crashed a sea? One was carrying red paint and the other blue paint........All the sailers were marooned.
posted by Fezzer at 9:24 PM on November 8, 2010 [1 favorite]


Why did the chicken commit suicide?

To get to the other side.
posted by painquale at 9:33 PM on November 8, 2010 [2 favorites]


Why did Melvin the black dog cross the road?
He fell in the mud.
posted by obiwanwasabi at 11:06 PM on November 8, 2010


What's really loud and sounds like "apples"?

APPLES!
posted by Joseph Gurl at 12:11 AM on November 9, 2010 [5 favorites]


Personally I like this trifecta told in series:

What's brown and sticky?
A stick.

What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot.

What's green and invisible?
This apple [while holding out hand palm up, as if holding an invisible apple.

The joy for me here is that you can wrong foot the listener three times as the domain of the punchline changes each time - it starts with a slightly blue adjective-noun pun which if you project into the second set-up will definitely lead you the wrong way. The second joke becomes a different type of pun, but is still word play, which hopefully leads you to project more wordplay into the third set up, which is secretly a visual gag. And they all play off of an object and colour so there's that nice rhythm to the series. Obviously these jokes are hardly new so small children might be the best recipients, and you might want to skip this lengthy deconstruction too...
posted by iivix at 1:36 AM on November 9, 2010 [2 favorites]


What do you call a dog with no legs?
It doesn't matter because it won't come anyway.
posted by zanni at 3:35 AM on November 9, 2010


What did the Dalai Lama say to the hot dog vendor?
Make me one with everything.

What do you call a leper in a hot tub?
Stew.
posted by carmicha at 10:14 AM on November 9, 2010 [2 favorites]


How many Feminists does it take to screw in a lightbul...
"That's not funny!"
posted by dbmcd at 2:45 PM on November 9, 2010


There's a follow-up to the hot dog / one with everything joke:

Zen Master: "Where's my change?"
Hot Dog Vendor: "Change comes from within."
posted by kristi at 3:51 PM on November 9, 2010


How do you get an elephant out of a tree?
-- Elephants don't climb trees.

How to you fit four elephants in a red convertible?
-- Two in the front and two in the back.

How can you tell there is an elephant in your refrigerator?
-- There are elephant footprints in the butter.

How can you tell when there are two elephants in your refrigerator?
-- There are two sets of elephant footprints in the butter.

How can you tell when there are three elephants in your refrigerator?
-- There are three sets of elephant footprints in the butter.

How can you tell when there are four elephants in your refrigerator?
-- A red convertible parked outside.
posted by at the crossroads at 9:32 PM on November 9, 2010 [2 favorites]


One of the jokes left off the last bit. Heard this one in fourth grade, and it's been questionably funny ever since.

What do you call a woman with one leg? Ilene.
What do you call an asian woman with one leg? Irene.
Where do they work? IHOP.
posted by talldean at 5:36 AM on November 10, 2010


What should you do when an elephant comes through your window?
SWIM FOR YOUR LIFE!!!

How do you get an elephant out of the theatre?
You can't; it's in his blood!
posted by Deathalicious at 8:33 AM on November 10, 2010


I posted this one on this thread, but I'm happy to post it again:

How do you turn a rubber duck into a soul singer?
Put it in the microwave until it's Bill Withers.
posted by jonnyploy at 9:09 AM on November 10, 2010


Ever notice how when birds fly in formation, one side of the "V" is longer than the other? Know why that is?
No.
There are more birds on that side.
posted by triceryclops at 1:52 PM on November 10, 2010 [2 favorites]


What do you call a black guy flying an airplane?













A PILOT, you racist bastard.
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:54 PM on November 10, 2010


What happened when the woman backed into an airplane propeller?

Disaster.
posted by lordrunningclam at 12:45 PM on November 11, 2010


What do you call a man with three trees on his head?

Edward Woodward.


What do you call a man with four trees on his head?

I have no idea, but Edward Woodward would.
posted by randomination at 11:28 AM on November 12, 2010


What do you call a dog with no legs?
Cigarette. (Because every night you can take him out for a drag.)
posted by Paragon at 4:22 PM on November 14, 2010


triceryclops, I always tell that one as my favorite science fact (because it is!):

Ever notice how when birds fly in formation, one side of the "V" is longer than the other? Know why that is?
No.
Birds can't count.
posted by IAmBroom at 4:23 PM on November 20, 2010


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