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Got any good short, silly one-liner jokes?
November 23, 2007 9:51 AM   Subscribe

Got any good short, silly one-liner jokes?

I've already seen http://ask.metafilter.com/56592/Short-jokes <- that question, so I know this has already been discussed. I just wanted to see if there were any fresh ones, as I've picked the few I liked from there already.

An example of my current favourite is "What's red and invisible?" "No tomatoes."

Anything quick and simple like this is perfect - it's for SMS messages to send someone.
(I've already done extensive Google searches several times, also, and found a number of good ones, but that source quickly dries up.)
posted by angryjellybean to Writing & Language (97 answers total) 163 users marked this as a favorite
 


What's brown and sticky? A stick.

Where do you find a dog with no legs? Right where you left him.

What do you call a cow with no legs? Ground beef.

What do you call a cow with 2 legs? Lean beef.
posted by 4ster at 10:05 AM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


Have you heard about the three-star restaurant on the Champs-Élysées that makes omelets with only one egg? Apparently in Paris, one egg is un oeuf.
posted by uncleozzy at 10:06 AM on November 23, 2007 [6 favorites]


A man walks into a bar. Ouch.
posted by dmt at 10:06 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


A horse walks into a bar. Barman asks "why the long face"
posted by dmt at 10:07 AM on November 23, 2007


What's brown and sticky? Chocolate cake

A woman walks into a bar and asks the bartender for a double entendre, so he gave it to her.
posted by Large Marge at 10:08 AM on November 23, 2007 [23 favorites]


2 Betazoids walk into a bar. One says "I'll have the same."

So this neutron walks into a bar, orders a pint of lager and begins to open his wallet when the barman says, "For you, no charge!".
posted by Mitheral at 10:12 AM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


A man gets into a fight with Batman, who hits him with a vase and goes "T'PAU!"

"Don't you mean 'KAPOW!'?" asks the man

"No", says Batman, "I've got china in my hands"
posted by essexjan at 10:14 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


I like to annoy my Israeli flatmate, by giving him any mail addressed to "The Occupier".
posted by teleskiving at 10:15 AM on November 23, 2007 [29 favorites]


A grasshopper walks into a bar. The bartender says "Hey, we have a drink named after you." The grasshopper says "You have a drink named Steve?"

The following works best after a long line of knock-knock jokes:

"Knock"

"Who's there?"

"Opportunity!"
posted by hydrophonic at 10:17 AM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


What's the difference between a duck? One foot's the same.
posted by jbickers at 10:26 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


What do you get when you cross a hippo, an elephant, and a rhino?

A helephino!

What did the hat say to the scarf?

"You hang around - I'll go on ahead."
posted by ORthey at 10:28 AM on November 23, 2007 [4 favorites]


What is black, white and red all over?
A newspaper.
posted by bitteroldman at 10:38 AM on November 23, 2007


From mary poppins:

X: I know a man with a wooden leg named Smith
y: Really! What's the name of his other leg?
posted by bitteroldman at 10:39 AM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


Text your friend: "I've got a great knock-knock joke. Want to hear it?"

When he texts back, "Yes", reply, "OK, you start."
posted by emelenjr at 10:40 AM on November 23, 2007 [3 favorites]


Damn you, dmt! (that is my favorite of ALL time)
posted by wafaa at 10:40 AM on November 23, 2007


This morning I saw a man who said he hadn't eaten anything for a week. So I bit him.

(Pause ...)

Oh, wait, I think I told it wrong.
posted by jbickers at 10:44 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them had salt on it.

(Pause ...)
posted by jbickers at 10:45 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


From Letterman's monologue: "Here's how smart rats are: I'm walking through the park, and I see two rats. One of them distracts a squirrel... and the other one grabs his nuts."
posted by TheSecretDecoderRing at 10:46 AM on November 23, 2007


A giraffe walks into a bar and says, "The highballs are on me."
posted by drjimmy11 at 10:56 AM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


True story, this.

A man walks into a pub in Northern Ireland to record a trad session, and notices a suspicious-looking bag sitting near the door. He goes to investigate the bag, to find it filled with cables and wires from the sound equipment.

A veteran member of the session approaches him and says, "did you think it was a bomb?"

"No", says the man, "I was worried it was a bodhran".
posted by LN at 11:00 AM on November 23, 2007 [6 favorites]


Two peanuts were walking down the street. One of them had salt on it.

I believe that one goes "Two peanuts were walking down the street. One was assaulted." (a salted)
posted by phaded at 11:09 AM on November 23, 2007


My friend Timmy was once bitten by a rattlesnake, and if I knew the difference between antidote and anecdote he'd still be alive today.

or

A woman gets onto a bus with her baby.
The bus driver says, “That’s the ugliest baby that I’ve ever seen. Ugh!”
The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to her, “The driver just insulted me!”
The man says, “There’s no call for that. You go right up there and tell him off. Go ahead, I’ll hold your monkey for you.”

Both from here..
posted by Nugget at 11:17 AM on November 23, 2007 [19 favorites]


What do you call a boomerang that doesn't come back?
A stick.

What's gray and comes in quarts?
An elephant.
posted by wsg at 11:30 AM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


Two fish are in a tank. One looks at the other and says, "You man the guns. I'll drive."
posted by PhatLobley at 11:46 AM on November 23, 2007 [12 favorites]


ya heard about the girl who kissed her canary and caught chirpes? her doctor told her it was untweetable. heard about the girl who moved into an apartment upstairs from the bank of america? her assets over a million. all i can tell you on your birthday m'dear is, you're not getting any better, you're getting older! goddamn, i meant that the other way around! are bears catholic? does the pope shit in the woods?
posted by bruce at 11:47 AM on November 23, 2007


A dog limps into a saloon, holding one leg off the ground gingerly, and says, "I'm lookin' for the man... who shot my paw"
posted by Hello, Revelers! I am Captain Lavender! at 12:02 PM on November 23, 2007 [7 favorites]


What's green and has wheels?

Grass. I lied about the wheels.
posted by ill3 at 12:26 PM on November 23, 2007 [20 favorites]


What did the farmer say when he lost his plow?
Hey! Where's my plow?!?

What has two legs, but can't walk?
Half a dog.

Why do farts smell?
So the deaf can enjoy them too.
posted by Meatbomb at 12:30 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


Two bytes are sitting in a bar.
One says: "I'm not feeling so well. I think I might have a parity error."
"Yeah," says the other, "I thought you looked a bit off."
posted by hjo3 at 12:31 PM on November 23, 2007 [10 favorites]


Knock knock

Who's there?

Control freak, now you say "Control freak who?"
posted by Meatbomb at 12:33 PM on November 23, 2007 [30 favorites]


What do you call cheese that doesn't belong to you? Nacho cheese.
posted by HotPatatta at 12:58 PM on November 23, 2007 [6 favorites]


"Pretentious? Moi?"

Not tremendously funny, but I think it's actually the shortest joke I've ever seen? (taken from the pilot of Fawlty Towers)
posted by Doctor Suarez at 12:59 PM on November 23, 2007 [7 favorites]


Two blondes walk into a building. I don't know why one of them didn't see it.
posted by yoga at 1:09 PM on November 23, 2007 [3 favorites]


a skeleton walks into bar and says "i'd like a beer... and a mop".

a termite walks into a bar and says "where's the bar tender?"
posted by bruceo at 1:23 PM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


What's orange and sounds like a parrot?
A carrot!

That, and the stick one are two of my faves.
posted by Iteki at 1:25 PM on November 23, 2007 [6 favorites]


http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=sKV_yy5iwdY
posted by cashman at 1:26 PM on November 23, 2007


bruceo, I think your second joke works better as "Is the bar tender here?"

(the first joke is one of my great favorites)
posted by dlugoczaj at 1:31 PM on November 23, 2007


How do you confuse an archaeologist?

Give 'em a used tampon and ask which period it's from.
posted by pinkbuttonanus at 1:35 PM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


Here's my favorite...

A baby seal walks into a club.



...

That's the whole joke. When you tell it, they'll be waiting for the punchline. It takes a few seconds for them to realize that WAS the punchline.
posted by utsutsu at 1:37 PM on November 23, 2007


What's the difference between a pheromone and a hormone?
You can't hear a pheromone.

What's long, hard and full of seamen?
A submarine. (Works better in person)
posted by Iteki at 1:43 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


@phaded

Which sparks this one...

Best done in a restaurant...

Grab the salt and put a butter knife (any knife) on top of it. Now ask somebody, "What is this?"

A salt (assault) with a deadly weapon.

posted by B(oYo)BIES at 1:53 PM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


From a friend:

How are men like linoleum?

Lay 'em good and you can walk all over 'em.
posted by Rain Man at 2:58 PM on November 23, 2007


Q: How many kids with ADD does it take to change a lightbulb?

A: LET'S GO RIDE BIKES!
posted by kandinski at 3:17 PM on November 23, 2007 [15 favorites]


What's red and sits in a corner?

A naughty strawberry.
posted by The Bellman at 3:22 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


What did the mommy volcano say to the baby volcano? I lava you.
posted by SassHat at 3:55 PM on November 23, 2007


Q) How can you tell if there is an elephant in your fridge?
A) You can't close the door.
posted by TheOtherGuy at 4:10 PM on November 23, 2007


Q: What kind of wood doesn't float?
A: Natalie Wood!

Q: What is invisible and smells like worms?
A: Bird farts!

Q: What has a million legs and can't walk?
A: Jerry's kids!

Q: What's 6 inches long and has two nuts?
A: Almond Joy!

Q: How many engineers does it take to change a light bulb?
A: None, they just define darkness as the new industry standard.
posted by Fat Guy at 4:28 PM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


what does snoop doggy dog wash his clothes with?
ble-otch

get it? like bleach, but ble-otch? ha ha
posted by enaira at 4:38 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


When you were born you were so ugly, the doctor slapped your mother instead.
posted by Neonshock at 4:45 PM on November 23, 2007 [1 favorite]


What did one wall say to the other?
"I'll meet you in the corner."

Did you hear about the baby revolution in South America?
It was a kitchy-kitchy coup.
(I made that one up.)
posted by PHINC at 5:27 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


Knock knock
Who's -
Interrupting cow! Moo!

That was my kids' favorite for a long time.
posted by notashroom at 6:18 PM on November 23, 2007 [3 favorites]


Why can you never starve in the desert?

Because of all the sand, which is everywhere.
posted by knowles at 6:20 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


Q: What did the girl oyster say to the boy oyster?
A: You never open up to me!
posted by blindcarboncopy at 8:39 PM on November 23, 2007


A priest, a rabbi, and a minister walk into a bar. The bartender says, "What is this, some kind of joke?"
posted by joshrholloway at 9:42 PM on November 23, 2007 [5 favorites]


What do you call a deer with no eyes? No eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes and no legs? Still no eye-deer.

What do you call a deer with no eyes, no legs, and no balls? Still no fucking eye-deer.
posted by Civil_Disobedient at 10:08 PM on November 23, 2007 [3 favorites]


A drunk vomits on a dog. Dog runs away yelping. Drunk says, "hey, I don't remember eating that!"
posted by h00py at 10:37 PM on November 23, 2007


How many surrealists does it take to change a lightbulb? FISH!
posted by birdsquared at 11:58 PM on November 23, 2007 [2 favorites]


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What, you don't know?
posted by daniel striped tiger at 12:40 AM on November 24, 2007 [11 favorites]


2 cannibals are munching on a clown. one looks at the other and says "Yo, does this thing taste funny to you?"
posted by Davaal at 4:53 AM on November 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?

AIDS
posted by Joseph Gurl at 6:27 AM on November 24, 2007 [7 favorites]


what does a fish say when it hits a wall?

DAM!

---

what has four legs and one arm?

a happy pit bull.

---

what's the difference between roast beef and pea soup?

anyone can roast beef.

---

why do ducks have flat feet?

to stamp out forest fires.

why do elephants have flat feet?

to stamp out burning ducks.

---

how do you catch a unique rabbit?

unique up on it.

how do you catch a tame rabbit?

tame way, duh. unique up on it.
posted by allkindsoftime at 6:56 AM on November 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


What's the hardest thing about being a Republican?
Telling your parents you're gay.

(from a past MeFi thread - I forget which one)
posted by arcticwoman at 6:58 AM on November 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


Q: What do you call a pig with three eyes?

A: Piiig...

Warning: be prepared to wait a *long* time for some people to get it. Like a couple of days :).

-G
posted by madmethods at 8:17 AM on November 24, 2007 [5 favorites]


Two cannibals are talking. One says "I don't like my mother-in-law."

The other cannibal says "So just eat the noodles."
posted by wsg at 8:34 AM on November 24, 2007 [7 favorites]


How many guitar players does it take to screw in a light bulb?

Nine. One to screw in the bulb, and the other eight to stand around saying "I can do that."

...

You know what you use the ethernet for? To catch the ether-bunny!

...

You used asbestos in that wall?

That was asbestos I could do.

...

My fave: What did Tarzan say when the elephants came over the hill?

"HERE COME THE ELEPHANTS!"

yuk-yuk-yuk.
posted by valkane at 9:55 AM on November 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


What's the difference between a girls field hockey team, and a tribe of pygmies?

One's a bunch of cunning little runts.

...

Two turkeys are having thanksgiving dinner. One turkey asks the other, "would you like some more pumpkin pie?"

The other replies, "No thanks, I'm stuffed."

...

Fave one-liner: "No left turn unstoned."

ok, i'll stop.
posted by valkane at 10:01 AM on November 24, 2007


What did Sushi A say to Sushi B?

Whassup, B?!
posted by lassie at 10:32 AM on November 24, 2007


What's fast, green, and dangerous?

A thundering herd of pickles.
posted by zeph at 11:36 AM on November 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


Whats brown and sounds like a bell?
Dung.
posted by mikeinclifton at 2:09 PM on November 24, 2007


One of these is basically the same as Joseph Gurl's, but with an even less politically-correct punchline.

What's worse than finding a worm in your apple?
Being raped.

What do you get when you put a baby in a blender?
An erection.
posted by hootch at 3:02 PM on November 24, 2007 [1 favorite]


What kind of birds flock together?
Vel-crows.


(that's my favourite joke EVER.)
posted by subbes at 3:22 PM on November 24, 2007 [4 favorites]


Did you hear about the blind skunk?
He fell in love with a fart.
posted by Lucie at 5:34 PM on November 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


How many pancakes does it take to shingle a doghouse?
Blue, because there's no bones in ice cream.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 6:25 PM on November 24, 2007 [12 favorites]


A man walks into a bar and sees a horse behind the counter, cleaning the glasses. The horse sees him staring, and says, "What's your problem, bub? You never seen a horse tending bar before?"

The man says, "No, I just never thought the parrot would sell the place."
posted by jbickers at 6:29 PM on November 24, 2007 [2 favorites]


How many hipsters does it take to screw in a light bulb?

What, you don't know?


*sigh*

I have that joke on vinyl.
posted by lekvar at 1:11 AM on November 25, 2007 [22 favorites]


Why does Snoop Dogg carry and umbrella?
Fo' drizzle!

What's the difference between a ferrari and a headless corpse?
I don't have a ferrari in my garage.

A man walks into a bar with a steering wheel down his trousers. Bartender says "hey did you know you've got a steering wheel down your pants?"
The man replies "yeah, it's driving me nuts"

Why did the plane crash?
cos' the pilot was a tomato.

Why did the girl fall off the swing?
She had no arms.

What's green, has siz legs, and would kill you if it fell out of a tree on top of you?
a pool table.

How do you know if a drummer's at your front door?
the knocking speeds up.
posted by robotot at 2:11 PM on November 25, 2007 [1 favorite]


Why did the monkey fall out of the tree?
He was dead.

Why did the second monkey fall out of the tree?
He was stapled to the first monkey.

Why did the third monkey fall out of the tree?
PEER PRESSURE!
posted by tzikeh at 3:30 PM on November 25, 2007


I made a terrible Freudian slip at dinner the other night. I meant to ask my mother "please pass the salt," but what I said was "you psychotic bitch, you ruined my life."
posted by tzikeh at 3:31 PM on November 25, 2007 [10 favorites]


Here is a bunch of Halloween themed one liners.
posted by BoscosMom at 3:41 PM on November 25, 2007


What's the difference between an 11-year old girl and ice cream?

You can't use an 11-year old girl to lure ice cream into your basement.
posted by Mr. Gunn at 4:09 PM on November 25, 2007 [1 favorite]



Did you know that cigarettes are the leading cause of death by smoking?

Also, smoking is the leading cause of statistics.

Furthermore, 76% of statistics are made up on the spot.
posted by arcticwoman at 8:36 PM on November 25, 2007


What's grey?
A melted down penguin.
posted by h00py at 7:31 AM on November 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


This is a three-liner but a classic:

"My dog has no nose."
"How does it smell?"
"Terrible!"
posted by h00py at 7:33 AM on November 26, 2007


What is big, green, and heavy, and falls out of trees and kills people?


A pool table.
posted by Freen at 9:13 PM on November 26, 2007 [2 favorites]


What's black and white and can't go through a revolving door?

A nun with a spear through her head.
posted by lekvar at 12:45 AM on November 27, 2007


If girls with large breasts work at Hooters, where do girls with one leg work?

I-HOP.
posted by Zaximus at 12:06 PM on November 27, 2007


What's pink and hard?

A pig with a flick knife.
posted by ClanvidHorse at 5:33 AM on November 29, 2007 [2 favorites]


English Teacher: In English," she said, "A double negative forms a positive. In some languages, though, such as Russian, a double negative is still a negative. However, there is no language wherein a double positive can form a negative."

A voice from the back of the room piped up, "Yeah . . .right."
posted by chillmost at 4:20 AM on November 30, 2007 [9 favorites]


What do you do if an elephant comes through your window?


Swim for your life!
posted by Deathalicious at 2:54 PM on December 7, 2007 [2 favorites]


Why did the pilgrims' pants always fall down?
Because their belts were on their hats.

This one works best with English people:
Why did the lobster get thrown out of the pub?
Because he was "givin' alla this" (make talking motions with both of your hands - like if they were claws)

This one works well in Los Angeles:
What did the gang member say when several houses fell on top of him?
"Get off me, homes"

Visual:
[Make your hand into sort of a claw - like if your hand was a spider or bug - then put the back of your hand on a table or surface]
What's this? (the back of your hand is on the surface)
A dead one of these. (put the tips of your fingers on that surface)

McSweeney's did some good ones as well. My favorite:
What do you call a room full of lawyers?
A group of highly educated legal professionals.
posted by redteam at 10:41 PM on May 12, 2008


Anything that ever came out of Mitch Hedberg's mouth.
posted by zazerr at 6:59 AM on May 13, 2008 [1 favorite]


What does a gay horse eat?

HAY<>
posted by daHIFI at 8:49 AM on May 13, 2008 [6 favorites]


What do you call a blonde with a brain?

Pregnant.



What did the cannibal do after dumping his wife?

Wiped his ass.
posted by VicNebulous at 1:40 PM on May 13, 2008


What's the difference between a woman in church and a woman in the bathtub?

The woman in church has hope in her soul.
posted by VicNebulous at 1:43 PM on May 13, 2008 [2 favorites]


A man walks into a joke.
posted by speicus at 6:38 PM on May 13, 2008


My younger sister used to tell incomprehensible jokes as a child. One of my favorites:

Two penguins are taking a bath. One says to the other, "Can you pass me the soap?" And the other says, "I can't, I'm a radio!"
posted by po at 4:27 AM on May 14, 2008 [10 favorites]


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