Lost everything in a fire, Part III
January 5, 2018 3:18 PM Subscribe
First I thought about this, then I thought about that. We lost everything in the Tubbs Fire in Northern California this past October, and I am in trouble.
Just to update my last post, the question of rebuilding on our existing lot is making less and less sense for several reasons. A history of fire in our particular area is alarming to say the least and not something that was disclosed when we purchased the house in 1997. We have a lawyer, we have a tax guy, we've got recommendations for financial advisors, and we have moral support from friends and family. In addition to all of this, we need to address the emotional fallout with a therapist.
I would prefer it if both my husband and I could go together, since our marriage is hanging by a thread. I've been looking and asking and sending out inquiries but am casting a wider net. I've read through several questions about therapy and counseling from other mefites here, including this one. We are retired and have Medicare as well as a supplemental policy, but we are willing to pay for the right person. What's worked well for us in the past was someone who did crisis management with us many years ago. We never met that therapist as she was in Indiana, but she was laser-focused, quick to pick up on our patterns, and gave us very concrete feedback and advice on steps to take, or positions to consider.
What hasn't worked is someone who, in the beginning, seemed to be narrowing in on some of our destructive behaviors (some codependency for sure) but who ultimately had a VERY strong agenda that we give her $20,000 immediately to sign up for her "proprietary" addiction workshop, which was wildly inappropriate. The other person who didn't work well was someone on the other end of the engagement spectrum and was far more passive in his approach. So I don't know if CBT is what we need, or some other mode?
My husband is a cerebral scientist who values rationality above all and says he understands nothing about humans. He was on Zoloft for while for public speaking phobia and it made a huge difference in his outlook. He just didn't seem as angry. I gave him lots of positive feedback about how much I thought it helped him, but he quit taking it and has made it clear that he won't consider it again. I am more intuitive and can be very reactive. But I think, hope, that I'm trainable.
I've looked on the Psychology Today listings, at therapist referral sites for the Bay Area, and on goodtherapy.com, but every therapist listed said they basically do anything and everything. I looked up our previous two local counselors listed there, and they sound just like everyone else. The one we had in Indiana years ago has since passed away. Any help out there?!
Just to update my last post, the question of rebuilding on our existing lot is making less and less sense for several reasons. A history of fire in our particular area is alarming to say the least and not something that was disclosed when we purchased the house in 1997. We have a lawyer, we have a tax guy, we've got recommendations for financial advisors, and we have moral support from friends and family. In addition to all of this, we need to address the emotional fallout with a therapist.
I would prefer it if both my husband and I could go together, since our marriage is hanging by a thread. I've been looking and asking and sending out inquiries but am casting a wider net. I've read through several questions about therapy and counseling from other mefites here, including this one. We are retired and have Medicare as well as a supplemental policy, but we are willing to pay for the right person. What's worked well for us in the past was someone who did crisis management with us many years ago. We never met that therapist as she was in Indiana, but she was laser-focused, quick to pick up on our patterns, and gave us very concrete feedback and advice on steps to take, or positions to consider.
What hasn't worked is someone who, in the beginning, seemed to be narrowing in on some of our destructive behaviors (some codependency for sure) but who ultimately had a VERY strong agenda that we give her $20,000 immediately to sign up for her "proprietary" addiction workshop, which was wildly inappropriate. The other person who didn't work well was someone on the other end of the engagement spectrum and was far more passive in his approach. So I don't know if CBT is what we need, or some other mode?
My husband is a cerebral scientist who values rationality above all and says he understands nothing about humans. He was on Zoloft for while for public speaking phobia and it made a huge difference in his outlook. He just didn't seem as angry. I gave him lots of positive feedback about how much I thought it helped him, but he quit taking it and has made it clear that he won't consider it again. I am more intuitive and can be very reactive. But I think, hope, that I'm trainable.
I've looked on the Psychology Today listings, at therapist referral sites for the Bay Area, and on goodtherapy.com, but every therapist listed said they basically do anything and everything. I looked up our previous two local counselors listed there, and they sound just like everyone else. The one we had in Indiana years ago has since passed away. Any help out there?!
You both have lived through an immense trauma, and the big reminder is that your physical home is no longer there. You have two decades of memories that no longer have a tangible visual or physical presence, so it will be a long while as you get re-oriented. There may be some comfort in the familiarity of the remaining neighborhood. Trauma is a whammy on anyone’s brain, and one of the diagnoses is often PTSD. Do either of you have access to VA benefits? Or you could look to see who accepts Tricare benefits as a hack. Retrouvaille is a low-cost weekend for couples that are hanging by a thread. Even for marriages that end, people credit the program with getting communication back to a healthy level and adding to amicable endings. It has some faith overtones but belonging to any faith is not a requirement- they work with atheists as well as Christians and other faiths. If one of the goals is to make a plan together while having a deep, reflective conversation, you might talk to the intake people at a local community mediation center, such as Recourse Mediation. You don’t have to be in the court system to use these services. There are mediations about how families and couples navigate change - the mediators are there to provide a safe space, structure, facilitation and adequate time to talk about where you’ve been, honor what you are feeling now, and brainstorm to ultimately find some agreement about a plan. We’ve had them for couples & a genetic donor, families navigating teens becoming adults, adult kids working with senescencing parent(s). These are my random ideas, mostly low cost and medication-free. Best wishes as you navigate grieving your home and taking on the hard work of surviving this both personally and as a couple
posted by childofTethys at 5:07 PM on January 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
posted by childofTethys at 5:07 PM on January 5, 2018 [1 favorite]
I too have emailed a suggestion with a little more detail (because finding a therapist, especially a couple's therapist, is a matter of how someone meshes with personalities), but just to put it here: Karin Wandrei has done good stuff for us. For our couples work she used lot of material from The Gottman Institute, but managed to do so without some of what can seem overly conventional from their viewpoint.
Karin put us on a different trajectory.
posted by straw at 7:07 PM on January 5, 2018
Karin put us on a different trajectory.
posted by straw at 7:07 PM on January 5, 2018
Response by poster: Thanks everyone. I’ll be following up on your recommendations.
posted by Gusaroo at 10:06 AM on January 6, 2018
posted by Gusaroo at 10:06 AM on January 6, 2018
Could you work again with the therapist in Indiana, since she worked well for you in the past? It sounds like this was long distance before so maybe that would be possible again.
(I thought I posed this a couple of days ago but now I don't see it. If it was for some reason deleted by mods, feel free to re-delete -- but maybe I just never hit "post.")
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:16 AM on January 7, 2018
(I thought I posed this a couple of days ago but now I don't see it. If it was for some reason deleted by mods, feel free to re-delete -- but maybe I just never hit "post.")
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 10:16 AM on January 7, 2018
The one we had in Indiana years ago has since passed away.
posted by lazuli at 3:29 PM on January 7, 2018
posted by lazuli at 3:29 PM on January 7, 2018
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by lazuli at 3:37 PM on January 5, 2018