How to find a therapist?
October 31, 2017 12:45 PM Subscribe
I have a set of criteria that I'm looking for in a therapist. I've had two different therapists in the past three years and neither really did it for me. I would like to talk to someone again, soon, but would like to be wise about how to do so. Criteria under the fold.
my first therapist was a very kind woman who I talked to while my husband was beginning to come out as trans. She had good relationship advice but didn't really understand anything about transitions or trans relationships or being lgbtq. I'd like to avoid meeting someone who I have to educate.
My second therapist was a trans man who I talked to as I started coming out as bi at work. I wanted to talk to him about my anxiety and depression, but he was very focused on my relationship with my husband and didn't offer much targeted support for my mental health. It felt like my more-generic issues were overshadowed by my relationship. I'd like to avoid that as well.
In both of these relationships, I was frustrated that they took my word for everything. I overthink things and it leads me down dismal spirals. I want to talk to someone who can help me snap out of my depressed tunnel-vision, and remind me that things aren't really so bad, and challenge me to perform at a higher level.
I also disliked that neither seemed to have a scientific therapeutic method like CBT / DBT.
I have way too much stuff going on in my brain and it can be very distracting and can complicate conversations where I talk about myself. But I feel that the things I really want to talk about are probably very simple "how to adult" things:
- I have all these emotions and feelings. How do I manage them in a healthy way?
- How can I be more confident about myself and rely on myself for positive affirmations, instead of dumping my negative feelings on everyone around me?
- How can I work towards reducing my anxiety and depression, to be more confident and happy?
So my question for the hive mind is - how to find a therapist?
Are these things I can find in a therapist easily? Or is it such a combo that I might want to give up on one or two items, and focus on someone who's good at the others?
If I can't seem to find a therapist locally, are there long-distance therapy options I can look into? Does insurance work for something like that?
Is it appropriate to meet a therapist to learn more about them - a first date, as it were - without having to pay the extra fee for an "intake session"? How might I do that?
What might be a good way to find out if a therapist is right for me?
my first therapist was a very kind woman who I talked to while my husband was beginning to come out as trans. She had good relationship advice but didn't really understand anything about transitions or trans relationships or being lgbtq. I'd like to avoid meeting someone who I have to educate.
My second therapist was a trans man who I talked to as I started coming out as bi at work. I wanted to talk to him about my anxiety and depression, but he was very focused on my relationship with my husband and didn't offer much targeted support for my mental health. It felt like my more-generic issues were overshadowed by my relationship. I'd like to avoid that as well.
In both of these relationships, I was frustrated that they took my word for everything. I overthink things and it leads me down dismal spirals. I want to talk to someone who can help me snap out of my depressed tunnel-vision, and remind me that things aren't really so bad, and challenge me to perform at a higher level.
I also disliked that neither seemed to have a scientific therapeutic method like CBT / DBT.
I have way too much stuff going on in my brain and it can be very distracting and can complicate conversations where I talk about myself. But I feel that the things I really want to talk about are probably very simple "how to adult" things:
- I have all these emotions and feelings. How do I manage them in a healthy way?
- How can I be more confident about myself and rely on myself for positive affirmations, instead of dumping my negative feelings on everyone around me?
- How can I work towards reducing my anxiety and depression, to be more confident and happy?
So my question for the hive mind is - how to find a therapist?
Are these things I can find in a therapist easily? Or is it such a combo that I might want to give up on one or two items, and focus on someone who's good at the others?
If I can't seem to find a therapist locally, are there long-distance therapy options I can look into? Does insurance work for something like that?
Is it appropriate to meet a therapist to learn more about them - a first date, as it were - without having to pay the extra fee for an "intake session"? How might I do that?
What might be a good way to find out if a therapist is right for me?
Here's how I went about finding my therapist. I started by printing a list of all the therapists covered by my insurance provider. I decided I felt most comfortable with a female therapist so I crossed off all the men. I looked for reviews on each therapist and crossed off those who didn't sound appropriate. Then I had it narrowed down to a list of about ten. I looked them up for more information on their methods, etc. and crossed off anyone who didn't feel quite right.
Ultimately I was left with a list of three to pick from. I chose one arbitrarily and she has been great! This is after I had a string of terrible therapy experiences with bouncing from therapist to therapist, ones who projected their own shit onto me, ones whose methods just totally did not line up with mine, etc. It worked for me. It takes a bit of time to narrow it down but it was totally worth it. If this sounds like something that might get you started in the right direction, give it a shot!
posted by Malleable at 12:56 PM on October 31, 2017 [8 favorites]
Ultimately I was left with a list of three to pick from. I chose one arbitrarily and she has been great! This is after I had a string of terrible therapy experiences with bouncing from therapist to therapist, ones who projected their own shit onto me, ones whose methods just totally did not line up with mine, etc. It worked for me. It takes a bit of time to narrow it down but it was totally worth it. If this sounds like something that might get you started in the right direction, give it a shot!
posted by Malleable at 12:56 PM on October 31, 2017 [8 favorites]
Your list of demands is utterly reasonable and should* be met by anyone who claims to practice CBT or DBT.
* if they know what they're doing and do it competently.
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:02 PM on October 31, 2017
* if they know what they're doing and do it competently.
posted by feral_goldfish at 1:02 PM on October 31, 2017
Here in Seattle we have the amazing Women's Therapy Referral service which for one price does an intake meeting, helps to match you with three therapists and then helps you set up quick get-to-know you appointments with each therapist to determine who will be a good fit for you.
Maybe there is something similar in your city. Try googling "therapy referral" and see what you come up with.
posted by brookeb at 1:28 PM on October 31, 2017
Maybe there is something similar in your city. Try googling "therapy referral" and see what you come up with.
posted by brookeb at 1:28 PM on October 31, 2017
I know in California you can do "telemedicine" and insurance will reimburse only if it's by video, not phone. This strikes me as not a wonderful solution as I can't imagine it not affecting the relationship or "therapeutic alliance," but then that's not so important if you want CBT, which is far less about the relationship.
CBT I would think would be the easiest thing to find. Insurance companies are very focused on it as it's less likely to be open-ended and involve lots of sessions. Psychology Today listings show practice modalities and you'll be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't list CBT, though you'll still want to make sure it's really the focus of the practice, which it may say in the narrative part.
A trial session is very common, but I think most often billed. Some therapists offer a free phone interview to get some idea if it's a fit. What I'd stress about this actually is that it sometimes takes a little longer but is perfectly valid, if you find after a few sessions that it's not a match, to say so, end treatment, and keep looking.
Because you said "I was frustrated that they took my word for everything" I'm inclined to wonder about group therapy. I've actually never done it but part of its appeal is that you relate to other people, not just the therapist, and it provides a little more basis for reality testing. Your therapist simply can't see out into your life and is not often going to be able to say "well, no, that's not actually what you did." Some of that happens in longterm psychodynamic therapy as you develop a relationship that the therapist can observe, but it sounds like that's not your bag.
posted by Smearcase at 2:22 PM on October 31, 2017 [1 favorite]
CBT I would think would be the easiest thing to find. Insurance companies are very focused on it as it's less likely to be open-ended and involve lots of sessions. Psychology Today listings show practice modalities and you'll be hard-pressed to find one that doesn't list CBT, though you'll still want to make sure it's really the focus of the practice, which it may say in the narrative part.
A trial session is very common, but I think most often billed. Some therapists offer a free phone interview to get some idea if it's a fit. What I'd stress about this actually is that it sometimes takes a little longer but is perfectly valid, if you find after a few sessions that it's not a match, to say so, end treatment, and keep looking.
Because you said "I was frustrated that they took my word for everything" I'm inclined to wonder about group therapy. I've actually never done it but part of its appeal is that you relate to other people, not just the therapist, and it provides a little more basis for reality testing. Your therapist simply can't see out into your life and is not often going to be able to say "well, no, that's not actually what you did." Some of that happens in longterm psychodynamic therapy as you develop a relationship that the therapist can observe, but it sounds like that's not your bag.
posted by Smearcase at 2:22 PM on October 31, 2017 [1 favorite]
You know you can interview therapists, right? You can keep going until you find someone who seems likely to be a good fit. I'm just went through that process and I'm happy with the person I ended up with.
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on October 31, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by DarlingBri at 2:50 PM on October 31, 2017 [3 favorites]
(Therapist here.) Seconding the recommendation to search the Psychology Today database. The last time I supported someone in finding a therapist, we used their insurance provider as the first search term, then went through the therapists looking for their key issues (depression, anxiety, self-image) and chose about 5 to send a message to for further inquiry. We then more deeply investigated the websites of the ones we felt "drawn" to, and chose one based on the way he presented himself on his website. The person I was supporting then had an initial "consultation" with the therapist, about 20 minutes long, which did not cost anything, and from there, both determined that it would be a good fit. Most therapists in private practice will be happy to have either an in person or phone consultation with you. During that time you can ask them about their approach and what it looks like in therapy, so that you can glean if it's the right sort of fit for you.
The entire process took about 7 days from starting the search to having the consult.
When I found my own therapist years ago, I did the same first part - searched by insurance, then by the approach I wanted, so for me that was psychodynamic, yours would more likely be CBT, and then I called about 3 therapists and listened to their voices on their confidential voicemails. I picked the one whose voice I felt I'd want to listen to, and it worked out so well that I'm not in therapy anymore and a really relatively high functioning human.
Good luck, be well!
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:00 PM on October 31, 2017 [8 favorites]
The entire process took about 7 days from starting the search to having the consult.
When I found my own therapist years ago, I did the same first part - searched by insurance, then by the approach I wanted, so for me that was psychodynamic, yours would more likely be CBT, and then I called about 3 therapists and listened to their voices on their confidential voicemails. I picked the one whose voice I felt I'd want to listen to, and it worked out so well that I'm not in therapy anymore and a really relatively high functioning human.
Good luck, be well!
posted by fairlynearlyready at 4:00 PM on October 31, 2017 [8 favorites]
Similar to Malleable and failynearlyready, in the past I used Psychology Today to pull a list of all the therapists in my city who took my insurance and then filtered by gender, approach, hours and location.
posted by bunderful at 7:53 PM on October 31, 2017
posted by bunderful at 7:53 PM on October 31, 2017
At least in my area, I found that many of the therapists on the Psychology Today list claimed to be trans-competent and definitely are not. I know that's not the focus of your search, but if you don't want to have to keep educating therapists on queer+trans 101, it may be worthwhile to tap into any local LGBT networks you have around you for recommended therapists, and from there narrowing it down to CBT practitioners. I don't know how you tend to approach therapy, but my experiences have also improved if I sit down with the therapist in our introductory session and nail down exactly what I'm looking for and in what ways I am likely to be a difficult client. I'll PM you the resources I found in a quick search of your area, but talking to individuals who might know their reputations will save you a lot of stress, if that's something you have the resources to do.
posted by libraritarian at 8:19 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by libraritarian at 8:19 AM on November 1, 2017 [3 favorites]
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