A sad, sad life
July 27, 2014 11:12 PM Subscribe
I have been isolated and depressed for 10 years. I need help.
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (34 answers total) 33 users marked this as a favorite
I've lurked on here for a number of years now, and I've read all the threads about depression that I could find. My question is maybe not that different but I need help and I have to ask.
I see a therapist and a psychiatrist. I'm diagnosed with major depressive disorder. We have been aggressively trying new meds over the last year. I also have pretty intense and debilitating social anxiety.
I don't think the details of my life over the last ten years matter all that much for the purposes of this. Basically I have just been very isolated and depressed for the last ten years. I'm 29 years and a guy and I live in DC. Growing up I was told I was kind, intelligent, funny and sensitive. I seemed to be very well-liked. I graduated from a very good college and majored in psychology. I was mostly alone and only knew a small handful of people there. Since then, for the last 7 years, I have had no friends and no social life of any kind. I have never had a girlfriend or had sex. I lived with my parents after college for 4 years. I have had low-paying non-professional jobs. The longest I've ever stayed in a job is 9 months. I am currently working a long-term temp job, which I was very lucky to get. My resume is pathetic and embarrassing. I have had stints of applying for professional jobs but I have only gotten 2 interviews. I deal with my depression usually by sleeping. I am deeply humiliated, ashamed and embarrassed of my life and how utterly I've failed. Occasionally, when I think about my life, it feels almost surreal that this is how it's turned out. It seems impossible. It feels like an awful never-ending dream.
The real issue I need help with here is my inability to find and persevere in ways of meeting people, making friends, etc. I've searched for things to do on meetup, craigslist, volunteer websites, etc. I have found only a few things that interested me but I have never seriously pursued anything. It does not help that I have no passions and few interests. I know no one here. I have no connections. I've never given things a real honest shot. I wish so bad that I could. For starters, I have intense and debilitating social anxiety. These days, I am often unable even to speak smoothly. I mispronounce words, my speech staggers and stutters, and my throat seizes up. I am unable to think on my feet. My mind goes blank and I truly cannot speak extemporaneously or explain anything half-way complex to someone.
It is hard even for healthy, competent people to make friends after college, and it gets harder and harder as you get older. So that is one more thing I'm fighting. I am unable to describe how discouraged and hopeless I feel when I try to go out and confront the world and try to get things going. I am unable to get any sort of momentum. It seems insurmountable. I can't do things like watch movies because seeing people living regular lives, even if they're complicated and unhappy, is too painful for me. I'm starting from absolutely nothing and I have been unable to bear how long it will take to make some things happen. I have been unable to stick it out and push myself through the despair and sadness. I have no support except for my brother and my parents, but they have not been able to make a difference. I am completely alone in this. I am sincerely hopeless that I will ever be able to change things. I am not suicidal, though I do have passive thoughts about it. I am certain that I will never kill myself. I don't want to die. Which actually contributes to the hopelessness, because it makes me feel trapped in this.
I am so hopeless and I need help. Please give me some ideas of how I can stop living like this. Thank you everyone.