Small talk for awkward party?
June 17, 2017 9:05 AM Subscribe
One of my oldest friends is fond of hosting earnest, awkward parties where 10-15 people who have little in common are thrown together for the evening. I am going to one of these this weekend. Please tell me your finest lines for starting (interesting) conversations with people beyond "So, how's your work going?".
What makes you happy? What are you passionate about?
posted by Hildegarde at 9:30 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Hildegarde at 9:30 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Have you read any good books lately? (or watched movies / TV, depending on your interests).
I also like gardening, so I'll ask after that if I know/think they're gardening-inclined.
posted by momus_window at 9:31 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
I also like gardening, so I'll ask after that if I know/think they're gardening-inclined.
posted by momus_window at 9:31 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
This time of year, it's, What are your plans for the summer?
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:33 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 9:33 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
Where'd you buy those shoes?
posted by Carol Anne at 9:35 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Carol Anne at 9:35 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I love Paul Ford's article "How to be Polite" which covers how he handles his situation.
I have two strategies:
1) Never ask about their work. Never talk about your work. Relentlessly avoid the subject. Never ask "So what do you do?" This rule mostly arose from going to get-togethers where a significant number of folks were unemployed.
2) "What's the best thing that's happened to you in the last three months?" is my go-to opener. I've only had great experiences with it. Opens up lots of jumping off points for a conversation.
posted by AaRdVarK at 9:38 AM on June 17, 2017 [52 favorites]
I have two strategies:
1) Never ask about their work. Never talk about your work. Relentlessly avoid the subject. Never ask "So what do you do?" This rule mostly arose from going to get-togethers where a significant number of folks were unemployed.
2) "What's the best thing that's happened to you in the last three months?" is my go-to opener. I've only had great experiences with it. Opens up lots of jumping off points for a conversation.
posted by AaRdVarK at 9:38 AM on June 17, 2017 [52 favorites]
This is more business-oriented, but some of the questions would work in a social setting, and I really like the way the article presents small talk as a way to discover common points of interest.
posted by bunderful at 9:39 AM on June 17, 2017
posted by bunderful at 9:39 AM on June 17, 2017
I think a pretty obvious conversation starter would be: What's your connection to our host? And go from there.
posted by michswiss at 9:42 AM on June 17, 2017 [26 favorites]
posted by michswiss at 9:42 AM on June 17, 2017 [26 favorites]
"Can anyone recommend a book/movie that isn't too dark?" Someone asked this of the group at a dinner party I attended and it was great for prompting a lot of conversation. Much better, in my opinion, than someone asking what people's favorite movies were. (Asking about my "favorite" anything is a total conversation killer for me because it feels like an interview question designed to measure and sort. Yes, I am That Person at parties.)
posted by corey flood at 9:45 AM on June 17, 2017 [14 favorites]
posted by corey flood at 9:45 AM on June 17, 2017 [14 favorites]
This will vary depending on the crowd, but I'm friends with a fair number of exes, and "how do you know our host" gets awkward sometimes. If someone gives you a vague answer, don't push! Definitely don't follow up by asking for a blow-by-blow of their relationship, ugh.
posted by momus_window at 9:54 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
posted by momus_window at 9:54 AM on June 17, 2017 [4 favorites]
Well, if they are at a party together then presumably they live in the same city/area (or are temporarily physically in that city/area), so you could start with local events as a shared point of reference.
- "Anyone going to see the Tall Ships parade in Boston this Saturday? I would like to go, but I wonder what the best vantage point is to see them all!"
- "Did you see that they are renovating the town square? Apparently they will put in a fountain and outdoor cinema! It will be so great to watch movies on summer nights outdoors."
- "I heard the library has free drawing contest and face painting for kids this weekend, we are going with our youngest. You and your family should come, there's a nice side seating area and we could have coffee!"
etc.
posted by Ender's Friend at 10:12 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
- "Anyone going to see the Tall Ships parade in Boston this Saturday? I would like to go, but I wonder what the best vantage point is to see them all!"
- "Did you see that they are renovating the town square? Apparently they will put in a fountain and outdoor cinema! It will be so great to watch movies on summer nights outdoors."
- "I heard the library has free drawing contest and face painting for kids this weekend, we are going with our youngest. You and your family should come, there's a nice side seating area and we could have coffee!"
etc.
posted by Ender's Friend at 10:12 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
My go-to icebreaker is to ask, apropos of nothing: "So have you ever been to Mexico?"
This either leads into them telling me about their travels in Mexico, or me telling a story or two about the remarkable things I have experienced there myself. In the latter case, I find that it pretty seamlessly transitions into them telling me about their own travels to other parts of the world (or to interesting things that happened closer to home).
In general, I would try to avoid asking questions designed to make them bare their soul and instead ask questions designed to get them telling a story. And make sure that you have your own story ready to get things kickstarted if the gambit fails.
posted by 256 at 10:16 AM on June 17, 2017 [9 favorites]
This either leads into them telling me about their travels in Mexico, or me telling a story or two about the remarkable things I have experienced there myself. In the latter case, I find that it pretty seamlessly transitions into them telling me about their own travels to other parts of the world (or to interesting things that happened closer to home).
In general, I would try to avoid asking questions designed to make them bare their soul and instead ask questions designed to get them telling a story. And make sure that you have your own story ready to get things kickstarted if the gambit fails.
posted by 256 at 10:16 AM on June 17, 2017 [9 favorites]
Best answer: It doesn't work as a cold open, but once the conversation gets going, " Have you ever seen a ghost? Do you know anyone who claims to have seen a ghost? " elicits the best stories from the widest variety of strangers of any question I've tried. If you can't figure out how to segue, you can just say someone told you it was the best icebreaker of all time and you wanted to try it out.
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2017 [17 favorites]
posted by pretentious illiterate at 10:17 AM on June 17, 2017 [17 favorites]
Presumably there is food at this party. You can use something you both happen to be eating as an icebreaker, guiding them to either sharing a recipe or offering one of your own. Then generalize out to other foods you like. But tailor it to their own responses, of course.
To wit:
"This dip is really interesting, what do you think?....I've been trying to figure out what herbs they used, do you have a guess?....What's your own go-to dip? I have this thing where i just take some rehydrated sun-dried tomatoes and garlic and throw 'em in a food processor, it's so good."
And then if they get all excited and talk about a dip, then you can come back with "Huh, I never thought of using dill that way, I usually just do this with it - do you use fresh herbs a lot?" or "hey, here's what I use dill in, have you tried this?" or something.
If they are more like "eh, I don't really cook, I just take onion soup mix and sour cream" or "I just buy it from the supermarket" or something, then you can go with "omigod, that makes it so convenient, right? Hey, have you seen they have these little things where they have a little cup of Nutella and the crackers right with it? Genius, right?"
If all else fails, after you've been talking about food you can ask about what it was their mom made for them as a kid that they loved, or ask about a restaurant.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:26 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
To wit:
"This dip is really interesting, what do you think?....I've been trying to figure out what herbs they used, do you have a guess?....What's your own go-to dip? I have this thing where i just take some rehydrated sun-dried tomatoes and garlic and throw 'em in a food processor, it's so good."
And then if they get all excited and talk about a dip, then you can come back with "Huh, I never thought of using dill that way, I usually just do this with it - do you use fresh herbs a lot?" or "hey, here's what I use dill in, have you tried this?" or something.
If they are more like "eh, I don't really cook, I just take onion soup mix and sour cream" or "I just buy it from the supermarket" or something, then you can go with "omigod, that makes it so convenient, right? Hey, have you seen they have these little things where they have a little cup of Nutella and the crackers right with it? Genius, right?"
If all else fails, after you've been talking about food you can ask about what it was their mom made for them as a kid that they loved, or ask about a restaurant.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 10:26 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
If it's truly a room full of people with little in common, safest bet would be to start off with the bland questions: "what kind of work do you do?" "How do you know the host?" "Did you grow up here? How long have you been here?" "What's up with the weather?"
The point of these questions are not just to find common ground but to get comfortable simply talking to people you've never really spoken to before. Content and initial responses matters less than getting a sense of how the other speaks and how comfortable they are speaking with you. Presumably if you do feel comfortable talking to each other you'll eventually get into more substantial and interesting conversations. No need to force it right out of the gate. Role play all the scenarios and cue up the perfect conversation starters as a way to get yourself ready to speak and engage with people outside of your comfort zone but, in my experience, the actual interactions never follow the plan.
posted by AtoBtoA at 10:34 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
The point of these questions are not just to find common ground but to get comfortable simply talking to people you've never really spoken to before. Content and initial responses matters less than getting a sense of how the other speaks and how comfortable they are speaking with you. Presumably if you do feel comfortable talking to each other you'll eventually get into more substantial and interesting conversations. No need to force it right out of the gate. Role play all the scenarios and cue up the perfect conversation starters as a way to get yourself ready to speak and engage with people outside of your comfort zone but, in my experience, the actual interactions never follow the plan.
posted by AtoBtoA at 10:34 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Whatever specific small talk route you choose to take, please be respectful of your audience. Start out with something benign and insignificant, tell your own story and leave an opening. Do not just approach people cold and ask them big questions about their hopes and dreams or their personal life. There is a reason that the traditional 'small talk' conventions consist of things like weather and food rather than stuff like that.
It's a very common misconception that people like to talk about themselves, propagated by people who like to talk about themselves. This is not always true, so please read your audience before you start, and think of the worst possible answer to any icebreaker question you consider. People are sometimes unemployed or working in a field they hate (oh, and that go-to "That sounds hard" comes off as incredibly patronizing to me), their time may be eaten up by unpleasant things right now and they might not appreciate the reminder when you ask about all the cool fun things they've been up to, things like that.
A lot of people will provide an opening, volunteer personal information or something, and you can go from there, but don't straight up ask people anything too personal. Stick to things like the weather and good books and movies they've seen lately, and the other standard, boring topics at first. They seem cliche and all, but they got that way because they are decent, time tested solutions.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:49 AM on June 17, 2017 [37 favorites]
It's a very common misconception that people like to talk about themselves, propagated by people who like to talk about themselves. This is not always true, so please read your audience before you start, and think of the worst possible answer to any icebreaker question you consider. People are sometimes unemployed or working in a field they hate (oh, and that go-to "That sounds hard" comes off as incredibly patronizing to me), their time may be eaten up by unpleasant things right now and they might not appreciate the reminder when you ask about all the cool fun things they've been up to, things like that.
A lot of people will provide an opening, volunteer personal information or something, and you can go from there, but don't straight up ask people anything too personal. Stick to things like the weather and good books and movies they've seen lately, and the other standard, boring topics at first. They seem cliche and all, but they got that way because they are decent, time tested solutions.
posted by ernielundquist at 10:49 AM on June 17, 2017 [37 favorites]
125 Conversation Starters For Virtually Any Situation
posted by saturdaymornings at 10:57 AM on June 17, 2017 [5 favorites]
posted by saturdaymornings at 10:57 AM on June 17, 2017 [5 favorites]
Liven things up a bit and offer your completely candid assessment of the presidency of Donald J Trump.
With any luck you'll have that party turning into an all-in brawl before the drinks are even served.
posted by flabdablet at 10:59 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
With any luck you'll have that party turning into an all-in brawl before the drinks are even served.
posted by flabdablet at 10:59 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
I like to tell a joke about a talking dog.
Basically the joke is a guy sees a sign about a talking dog, asks what it's about, then goes back to talk to the dog, and the dog tells this long meandering sob story about how he ended up there, and then the guy goes back to the owner and asks how he can sell the dog for only $5 and the guy says 'Because he's a goddam liar"
My current version takes about ten minutes and involves joining the army as a spy attached to a bomb disposal unit in the Iraq war, but the story can be anything you can tell convincingly.
It's one of those love-it-or-hate-it things, though.
posted by empath at 11:06 AM on June 17, 2017 [7 favorites]
Basically the joke is a guy sees a sign about a talking dog, asks what it's about, then goes back to talk to the dog, and the dog tells this long meandering sob story about how he ended up there, and then the guy goes back to the owner and asks how he can sell the dog for only $5 and the guy says 'Because he's a goddam liar"
My current version takes about ten minutes and involves joining the army as a spy attached to a bomb disposal unit in the Iraq war, but the story can be anything you can tell convincingly.
It's one of those love-it-or-hate-it things, though.
posted by empath at 11:06 AM on June 17, 2017 [7 favorites]
Start out with something benign and insignificant, tell your own story and leave an opening. Do not just approach people cold and ask them big questions about their hopes and dreams or their personal life.
YES, jeez. the rule I wish people would follow is: if the question you think up as an opener could be used as an excruciating icebreaker exercise at a corporate retreat, don't use it. I have many fascinating thoughts but being asked cold by a stranger e.g. what was my most fascinating thought of the week? is not nice.
asking how they know the host is good because whether the answer is work, school, chance, or other, you then have a second topic to talk about. and you run no risk of coming across as a pop quiz administrator. anybody at the party definitely does know the host and will have no trouble answering that question.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2017 [35 favorites]
YES, jeez. the rule I wish people would follow is: if the question you think up as an opener could be used as an excruciating icebreaker exercise at a corporate retreat, don't use it. I have many fascinating thoughts but being asked cold by a stranger e.g. what was my most fascinating thought of the week? is not nice.
asking how they know the host is good because whether the answer is work, school, chance, or other, you then have a second topic to talk about. and you run no risk of coming across as a pop quiz administrator. anybody at the party definitely does know the host and will have no trouble answering that question.
posted by queenofbithynia at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2017 [35 favorites]
I like asking people what their favorite restaurants are. Everybody has a favorite restaurant and you get to learn about some good places to try.
posted by srboisvert at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 11:07 AM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
I like to talk briefly about something current in my life that is fairly universal and then step back and let other people tell about their experiences. Light heartedly: when I was buying a house I had so many great conversations with acquaintances, dinner party guests and strangers over the trials and tribulations of buying a house and how awful it all is. We bonded over the nightmarish experiences and laughed about it. Similar things have happened when I run into someone on crutches and we commiserate over knee problems or talk about surgeons (he was so creepy! I thought so too! But Dr Smith was great!). Basically just identify a common but not deeply personal thing between you, point it out politely, ask for their opinion and stand back and let the conversation flow. If someone doesn't follow up then they don't want to talk about it so move on to "how do you know the host?" or discussing their art or their pets or their kids or something totally safe.
posted by fshgrl at 11:17 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by fshgrl at 11:17 AM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Also, this magic trick is super easy, but works better after people have had a drink or two:
Grab any three things, like a fork a knife and a spoon, lay them on the table in any order.
Write down: "The fork is in my hand, the knife is in your hand, the spoon is on the table." Fold it up and put it on the table where everyone can see it, but done let anyone read what you wrote.
Have someone sit across from you. Ask them to move the three things around any way they want.
Then tell them to point at any two things. What you do next is the entire trick.
If they point at the fork and knife, have them take one, and give the other to you, leaving the spoon on the table.
If they point at the spoon and some other item, (let's say the knife and spoon), put the fork near you, and have them lift one hand up. If they stay pointed at the spoon, say 'okay, we'll put this in the middle', then ask them to choose from the knife and fork. If they're pointing and the knife, say, okay, grab that, and I'll take the the fork, leaving the spoon in the middle.
Ask them if they're okay with what they're holding or if they want to switch the knife with the fork that you're holding.
Then depending on who is holding the fork and knife at the end, either you read what you wrote or you have them read what you wrote.
I've done this trick like 20 times, and nobody has ever figured out how it's done.
posted by empath at 11:30 AM on June 17, 2017 [40 favorites]
Grab any three things, like a fork a knife and a spoon, lay them on the table in any order.
Write down: "The fork is in my hand, the knife is in your hand, the spoon is on the table." Fold it up and put it on the table where everyone can see it, but done let anyone read what you wrote.
Have someone sit across from you. Ask them to move the three things around any way they want.
Then tell them to point at any two things. What you do next is the entire trick.
If they point at the fork and knife, have them take one, and give the other to you, leaving the spoon on the table.
If they point at the spoon and some other item, (let's say the knife and spoon), put the fork near you, and have them lift one hand up. If they stay pointed at the spoon, say 'okay, we'll put this in the middle', then ask them to choose from the knife and fork. If they're pointing and the knife, say, okay, grab that, and I'll take the the fork, leaving the spoon in the middle.
Ask them if they're okay with what they're holding or if they want to switch the knife with the fork that you're holding.
Then depending on who is holding the fork and knife at the end, either you read what you wrote or you have them read what you wrote.
I've done this trick like 20 times, and nobody has ever figured out how it's done.
posted by empath at 11:30 AM on June 17, 2017 [40 favorites]
Best answer: while it's true that getting people to talk about themselves is considered a successful conversation, I think in these cases it's more effective to offer something of yourself first. Subway delays getting here, movie I saw last night, etc. are things I can see telling someone and they'd probably have something in return if they wanted to keep talking. Weather, neighborhood, food, this house is great, etc. Small talk leads to better talk but importantly, it also gives the person a chance to exit the convo anytime, which is considerate. You don't want to pin someone to the wall with incessant questioning.
Quizzing strangers about overly broad or too-personal stuff, or subjecting them to forced-quirky icebreaker activities make most people uncomfortable. Those feel unnatural, dorky to creepy depending on your delivery/demeanor, and make a lot of people feel trapped.
posted by kapers at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2017 [23 favorites]
Quizzing strangers about overly broad or too-personal stuff, or subjecting them to forced-quirky icebreaker activities make most people uncomfortable. Those feel unnatural, dorky to creepy depending on your delivery/demeanor, and make a lot of people feel trapped.
posted by kapers at 11:42 AM on June 17, 2017 [23 favorites]
There's always politics, or current news, if you want to open up that can of worms.
If you ask someone what their good trivia categories are, you'll probably find out what they're most interested in. It's pretty easy to get people to talk about their interests, once you find out what they are.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 12:10 PM on June 17, 2017
If you ask someone what their good trivia categories are, you'll probably find out what they're most interested in. It's pretty easy to get people to talk about their interests, once you find out what they are.
posted by still_wears_a_hat at 12:10 PM on June 17, 2017
What a cool idea! I love Charisma on Command's YouTube channel - he talks a lot about things like being more charismatic, confident, and conversational. This video has some ideas to network better: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FAPySGLL3gg
posted by Bill Widmer at 12:35 PM on June 17, 2017
posted by Bill Widmer at 12:35 PM on June 17, 2017
"I can't believe it's almost the fourth of July. I always loved when my family did [X] for the 4th. What do you like to do?" By saying what I grew up doing but asking what they like to do, it gives them two avenues in which to take the conversation, past or present. Works equally well for most holidays, seasons, vacations, etc.
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:54 PM on June 17, 2017
posted by The Wrong Kind of Cheese at 12:54 PM on June 17, 2017
Seconding don't ask about work, don't ask anything overly personal or intense, and don't ask for "favorite" as it feels like I have to pick the one best (it's ok to ask for something good or that the person liked or whatever). I like the idea of commenting on/asking about clothes/purse/shoes/jewelry or something in the room, including the food.
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 1:02 PM on June 17, 2017 [6 favorites]
posted by 2 cats in the yard at 1:02 PM on June 17, 2017 [6 favorites]
Save the clever thought-provoking questions for when you're already getting comfortable with someone. Getting the conversation going really only requires instigating the "oh me too" instinct people have. So here's what you do - you start with some boring question about them, say, "do anything interesting last weekend?" There's something in there you can say "me too" about. Then you tell a (short!) boring story about that. But here's where the trick is - somewhere in your story, find a way to have it end with some kind of general statement they can tell another "me too" story about. Like, "that woman was so rude!" or "so hard to find parking downtown!" Now it's not a "what did you do this weekend" conversation, it's a "rude people" or parking conversation, and they get to tell you their own story about that.
So that gets people talking, and during the course of that, they reveal interesting things you can actually ask questions about without it being an awkward quiz show. If they start a story with "one time in Mexico," well then obviously you can ask (once they're done, not interrupting the story) about how they came to be in Mexico, or where else they've traveled, etc. instead of your own "me too" story. Now you're really talking.
posted by ctmf at 1:29 PM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
So that gets people talking, and during the course of that, they reveal interesting things you can actually ask questions about without it being an awkward quiz show. If they start a story with "one time in Mexico," well then obviously you can ask (once they're done, not interrupting the story) about how they came to be in Mexico, or where else they've traveled, etc. instead of your own "me too" story. Now you're really talking.
posted by ctmf at 1:29 PM on June 17, 2017 [3 favorites]
This is really hard to do in a generic way. There really isn't any conversation starter that works for any group of people, and almost all of them can backfire with the wrong crowd. E.g., in order of increasing severity, eating out, travelling, and buying houses are all class signifiers and it's not a neutral statement to confess to having little experience with these activities. Similarly for questions about work, since unemployment or under-employment is stigmatized. Definitely don't ask a Chinese man where he grew up or how long he's been in this area or what his family does for 4 July. And so on.
This is why the weather is such a common topic. Almost everyone is affected by the weather, and affected so pervasively that talking about how the weather affects their lives often reveals opportunities to branch out into other topics which they themselves have brought up as open for discussion. E.g., "it's so hot, I hate hot weather, I got heat stroke on my first backpacking trip..." Or, "It's so hot, I survived five Chicago summers, and that's enough hot weather for one lifetime. Oh, I was in Chicago for school, I studied biochemistry, now I research this drug..." Or, "I hope it cools off or at least dries out before next Saturday. I'm a dancer and on Saturday my outfit doesn't have any head gear so if it stays this hot I'll just be jumping around half-blinded by sweat dripping into my eyes..."
posted by d. z. wang at 1:48 PM on June 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
This is why the weather is such a common topic. Almost everyone is affected by the weather, and affected so pervasively that talking about how the weather affects their lives often reveals opportunities to branch out into other topics which they themselves have brought up as open for discussion. E.g., "it's so hot, I hate hot weather, I got heat stroke on my first backpacking trip..." Or, "It's so hot, I survived five Chicago summers, and that's enough hot weather for one lifetime. Oh, I was in Chicago for school, I studied biochemistry, now I research this drug..." Or, "I hope it cools off or at least dries out before next Saturday. I'm a dancer and on Saturday my outfit doesn't have any head gear so if it stays this hot I'll just be jumping around half-blinded by sweat dripping into my eyes..."
posted by d. z. wang at 1:48 PM on June 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
I knew somebody who liked to ask new people stuff like, "What are the three most interesting things about your hometown?" or, "What were the two worst classes you ever took?"
I think what was good about it was getting people talking about personal things they're interested in, and have them try a few stories until they say something interesting you can "me too" to. (And it removes the pressure that people feel to pick an absolute on a question like, "What's your favorite book?")
posted by little onion at 2:33 PM on June 17, 2017
I think what was good about it was getting people talking about personal things they're interested in, and have them try a few stories until they say something interesting you can "me too" to. (And it removes the pressure that people feel to pick an absolute on a question like, "What's your favorite book?")
posted by little onion at 2:33 PM on June 17, 2017
"What keeps you busy these days?" is more neutral than "what do you do?" because people can answer it from the angle most comfortable to them.
posted by delight at 3:00 PM on June 17, 2017 [10 favorites]
posted by delight at 3:00 PM on June 17, 2017 [10 favorites]
This is a such a common question and yet such a perplexing one to answer for people who have no social anxiety and enjoy talking to strangers (like I do). I think the key is just to remember that no one is evaluating how you approach this, there is no spotlight on you. You don't need to impress anyone. Most of the time, anything you say is just relieving someone else's stress.
I find the first thing is to to start up some small talk is to lob an opening conversational volley and gauge a person's willingness to talk to you. This isn't a question; it's a statement. There are a variety of ways to do that (talk about the weather, etc.) but I think the key to it is to say something before you ask anything, and be prepared for the exchange to end right there. No expectations. Don't be needy or demanding of someone you don't know. Just throw it out there and be prepared to move on quickly.
I compliment strangers all the time, but I'm a woman and I think that's usually unthreatening coming from me. "I love your shoes!" "I love your hair!" "That's a great dress!" I don't expect it to lead to a conversation, I just say it because I mean it, and 99.9% of the time it disarms people and makes them open to a conversation. I don't ask where they got it/got it done, or even expect a conversation to strike up; I don't expect anything more from them, and they can tell that and it puts them at ease. They can say, "Thanks!" and if it's clear to me that they have nothing more they want to say, I just smile and move on. It's not weird. I wanted to compliment them, and I did! All good!
But it does normally lead to them saying SOMETHING more, like "They're super comfortable!" and then we're off. Then we're having a conversation about how great it is to have a pair of great-looking comfortable shoes, which you can spin into a conversation about comfort in any setting, work, home, travel, or stupid shoes of our youth. Or a comment about colour leads to a conversation about how so often everything's in beige or black, "it's so great to see a colour in the wild, I also love bright colours, I don't drive, so I like to be very visible as a pedestrian!" ("You don't drive?" etc.)
I think the core of any conversation with a stranger is 1) curiosity about other people, 2) not being needy about it and being willing to compliment someone/make an observation and leave it at that, 3) and the willingness (or ability?) to free-associate based on context, and 4) being open to sharing random tiny details and stories about your own life. I agree with what d. z. wang says above: there really isn't a generic way to do this. It's got to be contextual or it feels weird or forced.
I find in most potentially awkward situations, socially anxious people are relieved I'm willing to tell them a bunch of dumb stories they can laugh at and not have to think of anything to ask me. But of course you can't just stand there talking about yourself; you've got to observe the other party and see how they're faring. Be ready to let them go at any time; the conversation has to be consensual. Some people really want to just listen; others are looking for their way in to ask you something.
I often set up softballs to help people ask me things, like mention how hot or cold it's been, and they state a temperature, and then I tell them that I'm useless at working out what temperatures in Fahrenheit mean. Talking about how ridiculous temperatures in Fahrenheit sound in Celsius and vice versa is a good 20 minutes of conversation. It also lets them ask me where I'm from, which I'm happy to answer. Then they can ask me how long I've been in the US, which I'm also happy to answer, and then I will tell them how much I like it here and how people here are different (and amazing). If someone doesn't want a conversation, they can let these softballs go, and I know that probably means they're done here. All good. There are other people at this party, and there's probably some cheese and crackers for me to make a beeline for, so I don't mind!
So I guess one of the things you can consider is what kind of softballs can you set up to make it easier for someone to ask you a question. But we can't really tell you what those things are. It's going to depend on you.
Good luck, and have fun!
posted by Hildegarde at 3:09 PM on June 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
I find the first thing is to to start up some small talk is to lob an opening conversational volley and gauge a person's willingness to talk to you. This isn't a question; it's a statement. There are a variety of ways to do that (talk about the weather, etc.) but I think the key to it is to say something before you ask anything, and be prepared for the exchange to end right there. No expectations. Don't be needy or demanding of someone you don't know. Just throw it out there and be prepared to move on quickly.
I compliment strangers all the time, but I'm a woman and I think that's usually unthreatening coming from me. "I love your shoes!" "I love your hair!" "That's a great dress!" I don't expect it to lead to a conversation, I just say it because I mean it, and 99.9% of the time it disarms people and makes them open to a conversation. I don't ask where they got it/got it done, or even expect a conversation to strike up; I don't expect anything more from them, and they can tell that and it puts them at ease. They can say, "Thanks!" and if it's clear to me that they have nothing more they want to say, I just smile and move on. It's not weird. I wanted to compliment them, and I did! All good!
But it does normally lead to them saying SOMETHING more, like "They're super comfortable!" and then we're off. Then we're having a conversation about how great it is to have a pair of great-looking comfortable shoes, which you can spin into a conversation about comfort in any setting, work, home, travel, or stupid shoes of our youth. Or a comment about colour leads to a conversation about how so often everything's in beige or black, "it's so great to see a colour in the wild, I also love bright colours, I don't drive, so I like to be very visible as a pedestrian!" ("You don't drive?" etc.)
I think the core of any conversation with a stranger is 1) curiosity about other people, 2) not being needy about it and being willing to compliment someone/make an observation and leave it at that, 3) and the willingness (or ability?) to free-associate based on context, and 4) being open to sharing random tiny details and stories about your own life. I agree with what d. z. wang says above: there really isn't a generic way to do this. It's got to be contextual or it feels weird or forced.
I find in most potentially awkward situations, socially anxious people are relieved I'm willing to tell them a bunch of dumb stories they can laugh at and not have to think of anything to ask me. But of course you can't just stand there talking about yourself; you've got to observe the other party and see how they're faring. Be ready to let them go at any time; the conversation has to be consensual. Some people really want to just listen; others are looking for their way in to ask you something.
I often set up softballs to help people ask me things, like mention how hot or cold it's been, and they state a temperature, and then I tell them that I'm useless at working out what temperatures in Fahrenheit mean. Talking about how ridiculous temperatures in Fahrenheit sound in Celsius and vice versa is a good 20 minutes of conversation. It also lets them ask me where I'm from, which I'm happy to answer. Then they can ask me how long I've been in the US, which I'm also happy to answer, and then I will tell them how much I like it here and how people here are different (and amazing). If someone doesn't want a conversation, they can let these softballs go, and I know that probably means they're done here. All good. There are other people at this party, and there's probably some cheese and crackers for me to make a beeline for, so I don't mind!
So I guess one of the things you can consider is what kind of softballs can you set up to make it easier for someone to ask you a question. But we can't really tell you what those things are. It's going to depend on you.
Good luck, and have fun!
posted by Hildegarde at 3:09 PM on June 17, 2017 [18 favorites]
I like to ask "where did you grow up?" As an Asian American who has heard "where are you from" too many times to be able to hear that question without cringing, I had to reformulate the question of origins into something more specific and thus less fraught with assumptions.
Another favorite smalltalk party question I use a lot is "if you were in an eating contest, what would be your best item?" (Ramen, hot dogs, Indian buffet, mashed potatoes, soup, etc) It's a fun way to learn about people's food preferences and sometimes elicit hilarious stories.
This is not relevant to your friend's gathering, but when I meet people's family (parents, siblings, etc), I like to ask them for embarrassing stories about my friend.
posted by spamandkimchi at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Another favorite smalltalk party question I use a lot is "if you were in an eating contest, what would be your best item?" (Ramen, hot dogs, Indian buffet, mashed potatoes, soup, etc) It's a fun way to learn about people's food preferences and sometimes elicit hilarious stories.
This is not relevant to your friend's gathering, but when I meet people's family (parents, siblings, etc), I like to ask them for embarrassing stories about my friend.
posted by spamandkimchi at 4:33 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
Do you have any interest in finding the person you have something in common with, or are you just looking to get through the night...?
If it is the former, my go-to -- yours will be different, but, you get the idea -- is "odd question, but, was just thinking about something recently, and... Anyway, have you ever read Thurber?"
If I get an enthusiastic "yes" and elaboration on their favourite bits, I contrive to leave the party early so I can go to a pub with that person. If I get a waffly "Um, I think I know the name, but, I don't think so," off to the races with a brief conversation about what they do read. "No -- why? Good? I love finding new authors. Tell me more," I tell them about his collection where he doesn't want to collect things but aphorisms, and my favourite of those in his collection that he mentions is a little girl saying "Peach ice cream never tastes as good as you think it will," and go from there depending on guffaw/puzzled look as to why it might be considered funny. A blank look and "no" means "on to the next guess."
Thurber is not my absolute favourite writer or anything; I just find Thurber knowledge to be an excellent bellwether for me for ferreting out like-minded people. They don't even have to have read him; they just need to know of him and know that he is a funny man. Find your Thurber if you want deeper conversations and a shot at making good new friends.
posted by kmennie at 5:05 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
If it is the former, my go-to -- yours will be different, but, you get the idea -- is "odd question, but, was just thinking about something recently, and... Anyway, have you ever read Thurber?"
If I get an enthusiastic "yes" and elaboration on their favourite bits, I contrive to leave the party early so I can go to a pub with that person. If I get a waffly "Um, I think I know the name, but, I don't think so," off to the races with a brief conversation about what they do read. "No -- why? Good? I love finding new authors. Tell me more," I tell them about his collection where he doesn't want to collect things but aphorisms, and my favourite of those in his collection that he mentions is a little girl saying "Peach ice cream never tastes as good as you think it will," and go from there depending on guffaw/puzzled look as to why it might be considered funny. A blank look and "no" means "on to the next guess."
Thurber is not my absolute favourite writer or anything; I just find Thurber knowledge to be an excellent bellwether for me for ferreting out like-minded people. They don't even have to have read him; they just need to know of him and know that he is a funny man. Find your Thurber if you want deeper conversations and a shot at making good new friends.
posted by kmennie at 5:05 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
I live in Memphis. Memphis is basically a small town, surrounded by a huge agricultural area that feeds in to it. We don't have six degrees of separation here, it's usually only three. Even for people not from around here. THE basic first question here has always been "Where did you go to high school?"
(Followed by the always classic "Howsyamommanem?")
posted by raisingsand at 5:24 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
(Followed by the always classic "Howsyamommanem?")
posted by raisingsand at 5:24 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
"When you were a child, who was your favorite teacher? Why?
How were they--or the ways they did/approached things--different from your other teachers?"
You should probably have a genuinely interesting story about your own favorite elementary school teachers in case your chat-buddy has trouble thinking of an example.
(I did a photo show of preschool teachers I work with and asked them a version of the above question, displaying their responses along with their photos--it was very interesting!)
posted by blueberry at 5:44 PM on June 17, 2017
How were they--or the ways they did/approached things--different from your other teachers?"
You should probably have a genuinely interesting story about your own favorite elementary school teachers in case your chat-buddy has trouble thinking of an example.
(I did a photo show of preschool teachers I work with and asked them a version of the above question, displaying their responses along with their photos--it was very interesting!)
posted by blueberry at 5:44 PM on June 17, 2017
"Tell me about something you're looking forward to."
posted by Ostara at 7:29 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by Ostara at 7:29 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I like hearing about how people get around. Things like: when is traffic the worst, what's your secret route to avoid that awkward left turn off Main St, how do you decide whether it's worth waiting for the bus vs walking or getting a cab, what subway transfers do you avoid at all costs. It's a topic most people think about a lot without necessarily realizing it and it's a good way to learn new things about the area you live in.
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 7:47 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by martinX's bellbottoms at 7:47 PM on June 17, 2017 [1 favorite]
I like: how do you spend your time?
It's open enough to talk about work or a hobby.
posted by Toddles at 7:53 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
It's open enough to talk about work or a hobby.
posted by Toddles at 7:53 PM on June 17, 2017 [2 favorites]
God I would die if someone asked me what my passion is upon first meeting, or trapped me with a ten minute joke. Sorry guys!
I usually ask some variation on "how do you know the host" and/or followed on with "do you live locally" and how long have you lived there. Then discussion of local restaurants and other local news. Keep it casual, laugh easily, and build on what your convo partner says.
posted by JenMarie at 8:02 PM on June 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
I usually ask some variation on "how do you know the host" and/or followed on with "do you live locally" and how long have you lived there. Then discussion of local restaurants and other local news. Keep it casual, laugh easily, and build on what your convo partner says.
posted by JenMarie at 8:02 PM on June 17, 2017 [12 favorites]
"Are you getting out of town anytime soon?" can be useful because it can get people to talk about things that aren't leisure travel. If someone responds by saying they mostly only go to an adjacent suburb to see their sister who has two kids, you have multiple paths for follow-ups.
posted by potential lunch winner at 9:38 PM on June 17, 2017
posted by potential lunch winner at 9:38 PM on June 17, 2017
You can talk about any notable interests the host has or that you have in common with the host, as well. The host is sort of your connection point in the beginning of the evening, so it's a good safe starting point of shared discussion to figure out what you might have in common with each other.
posted by Lady Li at 11:40 PM on June 17, 2017
posted by Lady Li at 11:40 PM on June 17, 2017
A friend recently brought a box of cards called "100 Questions" by the School of Life to a small dinner party and they led to an absolutely fascinating conversation. There were 5 people present - a couple, a pair of siblings, and me- all good talkers and good listeners - and for everyone in the group there was at least one person they'd never met before. It was one of the most engaging and interesting conversations I've had in a while. We only got through 2 cards: "do you take criticism well" and "what makes a good death". Highly recommend for small gatherings.
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:02 AM on June 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by pseudostrabismus at 8:02 AM on June 18, 2017 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Thank you for all these extremely useful and interesting responses! I was a bit vague with the question, should have mentioned that I've been going to these awkward parties with (mostly) the same 10-15 people for many years, and in general love chatting to strangers at parties, but have kind of burned through my usual lines with these guys. So the range of responses here were great both for the cases when I knew people well enough to ask them straight off about their passions or good things that have happened to them, but also for some top openers for new people that were there too. Thanks pals!
posted by Lluvia at 8:42 AM on June 18, 2017
posted by Lluvia at 8:42 AM on June 18, 2017
I tend to hang out with pretty geeky people, but "if you had the chance, would you take a one-way trip to Mars?" works pretty well for generating conversations that I have some hope of keeping up with and are unlikely to offend. The diversity of answers is surprising.
posted by eotvos at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
posted by eotvos at 12:12 PM on June 21, 2017 [1 favorite]
When I can be bothered, which is basically never, my default is "What are you reading?" rather than "What do you do?"
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:28 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
posted by turbid dahlia at 5:28 PM on June 21, 2017 [2 favorites]
"What do you do?" is such a loaded question. As someone without a job, I hate being asked it.
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:34 PM on June 21, 2017
posted by The corpse in the library at 8:34 PM on June 21, 2017
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