How can I not hate my birthday?
January 24, 2016 1:50 AM Subscribe
Like many people, I'm sure, I dread my birthday. I want to enjoy it instead. Has anyone else managed to change how they feel about their birthday?
It's not so much the fear of getting of getting older--I don't think that's what bothers me. It's more that I've always felt that it's supposed to be a special day and it isn't, usually. Wanting to have fun and not having fun is way less fun than a day when I never hoped or expected to have fun in the first place.
Things that seem to suck about my birthday: a) I hate parties in general and being the center of attention. b) I don't have friends around that I can casually hang out with, so I hang out with my family, which is great but that's what I do every weekend. c) It's in January. It's cold and awful and there's not much to do. Everyone in my family also has a birthday around this time of year so there's a lot of stress about getting ready for their birthdays, too.
I don't expect my birthday to suddenly become a joyous occasion but I would like not to burst into tears whenever anyone asks what my birthday plans are. I usually just do something low-key with my partner but I'm always so crabby that I'm sure they're starting to dread my birthday, too. How can I re-frame my thinking about this, or what plan could I make that might avoid birthday stress?
It's not so much the fear of getting of getting older--I don't think that's what bothers me. It's more that I've always felt that it's supposed to be a special day and it isn't, usually. Wanting to have fun and not having fun is way less fun than a day when I never hoped or expected to have fun in the first place.
Things that seem to suck about my birthday: a) I hate parties in general and being the center of attention. b) I don't have friends around that I can casually hang out with, so I hang out with my family, which is great but that's what I do every weekend. c) It's in January. It's cold and awful and there's not much to do. Everyone in my family also has a birthday around this time of year so there's a lot of stress about getting ready for their birthdays, too.
I don't expect my birthday to suddenly become a joyous occasion but I would like not to burst into tears whenever anyone asks what my birthday plans are. I usually just do something low-key with my partner but I'm always so crabby that I'm sure they're starting to dread my birthday, too. How can I re-frame my thinking about this, or what plan could I make that might avoid birthday stress?
I try to frame my birthday as a bunch of nice little things I can do for myself-- I've done this since my divorce, and it works really nicely. I made it into a "taking care of me day" instead of a Birthday with a capital B. Other people can be part of it, but I have to find and do three nice things for myself.
posted by frumiousb at 2:18 AM on January 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
posted by frumiousb at 2:18 AM on January 24, 2016 [14 favorites]
Since I was 15 I tried to spend my birthday completely alone.
I like being alone and as it's my birthday I thought my friends and family would let me have my day. I achieved it 4 times in 27 years.
When the day comes round, I just go with the flow and let others decide what they want me to do. They've made it obvious it's not my day and I like them so I came to terms with it.
Oh, and now I also have a second secret birthday. ;)
posted by fullerine at 2:45 AM on January 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
I like being alone and as it's my birthday I thought my friends and family would let me have my day. I achieved it 4 times in 27 years.
When the day comes round, I just go with the flow and let others decide what they want me to do. They've made it obvious it's not my day and I like them so I came to terms with it.
Oh, and now I also have a second secret birthday. ;)
posted by fullerine at 2:45 AM on January 24, 2016 [10 favorites]
Plan to do something you find at least mildly enjoyable with your partner (movie? Museum? Brunch?) and use that as your "what I'm doing for my birthday answer. Look forward to that thing and eliminate all other expectations for the day.
Another possibility: buy something you'd like for yourself but wouldn't usually buy. Splurge on the solar oven, fancy yarn, a newly painted bathroom, whatever; and you'll have that to give you happy thoughts/ anticipation.
posted by metasarah at 2:48 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Another possibility: buy something you'd like for yourself but wouldn't usually buy. Splurge on the solar oven, fancy yarn, a newly painted bathroom, whatever; and you'll have that to give you happy thoughts/ anticipation.
posted by metasarah at 2:48 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
You could try re-focusing the attention onto your parents (and especially your mom). It's a big day for them, too - or it was at one point, and ideally should continue to be. Why not re-frame the day as an opportunity to honor your parents? Buy them gifts to mark the occasion, and take them out for dinner, or throw a party in their honor?
I'm very much like you, in that I find my birthday extremely difficult to come to terms with. But one year a few years back, I did what I've suggested above, and my word! were they touched. My partner and I met my parents for lunch, and I surprised them with a gift, and then turned the conversation to their memories of my mom's pregnancy and my birth. She was very happy to tell us stories and reminisce on the whole adventure.
My relationship with my parents is up and down, but I'm sure that if things were more relaxed between us, I could do variations on the above every year, and they would never get bored of the special attention. You sound like your relationship with your parents is functional; this might be worth a go?
A side-benefit of this kind of approach is that if anyone does do anything to celebrate your birthday, you've off-set a certain measure of the usual anxiety by doing something so special for your parents; and so you'll probably find that you're karmically more relaxed about receiving the kind of attention that usually makes you somewhat uncomfortable.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 2:56 AM on January 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
I'm very much like you, in that I find my birthday extremely difficult to come to terms with. But one year a few years back, I did what I've suggested above, and my word! were they touched. My partner and I met my parents for lunch, and I surprised them with a gift, and then turned the conversation to their memories of my mom's pregnancy and my birth. She was very happy to tell us stories and reminisce on the whole adventure.
My relationship with my parents is up and down, but I'm sure that if things were more relaxed between us, I could do variations on the above every year, and they would never get bored of the special attention. You sound like your relationship with your parents is functional; this might be worth a go?
A side-benefit of this kind of approach is that if anyone does do anything to celebrate your birthday, you've off-set a certain measure of the usual anxiety by doing something so special for your parents; and so you'll probably find that you're karmically more relaxed about receiving the kind of attention that usually makes you somewhat uncomfortable.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 2:56 AM on January 24, 2016 [8 favorites]
A variation on my suggestion above, which I've toyed with (although never had the gumption to execute): Do your birthday hobbit-style, where rather than receiving gifts from others, you give gifts to people (friends, family and colleagues) who have been special to you over the past year. Whether you do that in the context of a party, or one-on-one in the weeks leading up to your birthday, the idea is the same: deflect the focus off yourself and onto these other people who, each in their own way, have made your year worth living.
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 3:25 AM on January 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
posted by paleyellowwithorange at 3:25 AM on January 24, 2016 [6 favorites]
All that's worked for me is, zero expectations.
My birthday has usually been more depressing than joyous; as a kid I'd get a cake, but an actual birthday party? Literally never. It may sound like sour grapes, but all I'd like is at least a tiny bit of the *acknowledgement* of the date that other people demand & get as a matter of course. (I turned 60 a couple weeks ago: all I got, from my entire extended family & friends, was one person's quickie 'happy birthday!' on Facebook....)
Anyway. Zero expectations means less (but I'll admit it: still some) disappointment. Otherwise all you can do is tit-for-tat: "if you fail MY birthday I'll fail yours on purpose", and that's just too passive-aggressive for me.
posted by easily confused at 3:46 AM on January 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
My birthday has usually been more depressing than joyous; as a kid I'd get a cake, but an actual birthday party? Literally never. It may sound like sour grapes, but all I'd like is at least a tiny bit of the *acknowledgement* of the date that other people demand & get as a matter of course. (I turned 60 a couple weeks ago: all I got, from my entire extended family & friends, was one person's quickie 'happy birthday!' on Facebook....)
Anyway. Zero expectations means less (but I'll admit it: still some) disappointment. Otherwise all you can do is tit-for-tat: "if you fail MY birthday I'll fail yours on purpose", and that's just too passive-aggressive for me.
posted by easily confused at 3:46 AM on January 24, 2016 [4 favorites]
Start a tradition of surprising the people around you with cupcakes or something to celebrate. Or take them out to lunch. If you make something nice for others you are almost guaranteed to have a day of warm fuzzies. This was suggested to me by my Guatemalan Spanish teacher in 10th grade and I have found that he was a very wise man.
posted by Cygnet at 4:51 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by Cygnet at 4:51 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I have a somewhat . . . challenging birthday. It is the same day as a national holiday, a holiday that is imminent, one manufactured by the greeting card industry, and devoted to private experiences between two people with some degree of intimate affection between them. Flowers! are sent from one party to another in great quantities!
As a younger person (really, through my mid 20s), this was fine! Great, even! There was always hella candy, people use this day as a reason to be kind to people around them, celebrating my birthday was just an added element! They didn't have anything special to do, so why not????
In recent years, as more and more of my friends enter into committed relationships (or enter into every relationship thinking of it as a committed relationship), this has become a lot harder. Virtually no one is free on my birthday or the weekend before or after, depending. I don't get flowers! Only rarely is there free-floating chocolate! And yet I don't dread it.
Like: you just have to do it yourself. I have asked people to go out to breakfast with me (or lunch), I have asked single friends to hang with me, I have booked more seats than I needed for a meal and put out an open invitation to folks to join, I have bought flowers for myself. The shit you want? Make it happen. Sure, it feels better if someone else anticipates it for you, but . . . sometimes that doesn't happen. I don't want to say that that's adulthood, but I guess it kind of is. It's not like I'm doing shit for other people on their birthdays (unless it's a partner). Are you?
Alternately, why don't you and your partner take a trip somewhere warm every year for your birthday? If you're in the U.S. & want to travel domestically, Austin or New Orleans or Los Angeles or Miami would all be really nice for a quick trip—and since you know when you'll be traveling every year (bonus!) you can save cash and plan for it in advance.
posted by listen, lady at 5:14 AM on January 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
As a younger person (really, through my mid 20s), this was fine! Great, even! There was always hella candy, people use this day as a reason to be kind to people around them, celebrating my birthday was just an added element! They didn't have anything special to do, so why not????
In recent years, as more and more of my friends enter into committed relationships (or enter into every relationship thinking of it as a committed relationship), this has become a lot harder. Virtually no one is free on my birthday or the weekend before or after, depending. I don't get flowers! Only rarely is there free-floating chocolate! And yet I don't dread it.
Like: you just have to do it yourself. I have asked people to go out to breakfast with me (or lunch), I have asked single friends to hang with me, I have booked more seats than I needed for a meal and put out an open invitation to folks to join, I have bought flowers for myself. The shit you want? Make it happen. Sure, it feels better if someone else anticipates it for you, but . . . sometimes that doesn't happen. I don't want to say that that's adulthood, but I guess it kind of is. It's not like I'm doing shit for other people on their birthdays (unless it's a partner). Are you?
Alternately, why don't you and your partner take a trip somewhere warm every year for your birthday? If you're in the U.S. & want to travel domestically, Austin or New Orleans or Los Angeles or Miami would all be really nice for a quick trip—and since you know when you'll be traveling every year (bonus!) you can save cash and plan for it in advance.
posted by listen, lady at 5:14 AM on January 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
I feel your pain.
As a kid, I was conditioned that my birthday was an extra special day, where I'd wake up to a breakfast treat, then get to do whatever fun thing I wanted like the annual bowling excursion, followed by some family or friends party with lots of presents and a special meal and cake with candles and everyone sang. This is probably true for quite a few of us.
Then I got older and went through the period where I'd do family dinner but I just wanted to get out and party with my friends. Later in life I didn't even get the cake, and so over the years the celebrations changed but my childhood expectations remained unchallenged and I'd always feel disappointed that my birthday wasn't this gigantic celebration where everybody dropped their needs and made the day all about me.
I think we learn as kids that our birthdays are days of big celebrations and special things and it sticks in our wiring to some extent. Even though as rational adults we know that we can pretty much make it a special day by treating ourselves, there always remains an element of hope that others will make it a huge day for us, even though we know that adults don't generally do that. Our childhood birthday celebration wiring can make us feel that maybe people don't love us which I know sounds silly but in my case, can feel true.
So I honestly don't know how to feel more enthusiastic about birthdays other than to reframe my thinking into something more adult and less childlike.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:21 AM on January 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
As a kid, I was conditioned that my birthday was an extra special day, where I'd wake up to a breakfast treat, then get to do whatever fun thing I wanted like the annual bowling excursion, followed by some family or friends party with lots of presents and a special meal and cake with candles and everyone sang. This is probably true for quite a few of us.
Then I got older and went through the period where I'd do family dinner but I just wanted to get out and party with my friends. Later in life I didn't even get the cake, and so over the years the celebrations changed but my childhood expectations remained unchallenged and I'd always feel disappointed that my birthday wasn't this gigantic celebration where everybody dropped their needs and made the day all about me.
I think we learn as kids that our birthdays are days of big celebrations and special things and it sticks in our wiring to some extent. Even though as rational adults we know that we can pretty much make it a special day by treating ourselves, there always remains an element of hope that others will make it a huge day for us, even though we know that adults don't generally do that. Our childhood birthday celebration wiring can make us feel that maybe people don't love us which I know sounds silly but in my case, can feel true.
So I honestly don't know how to feel more enthusiastic about birthdays other than to reframe my thinking into something more adult and less childlike.
posted by yes I said yes I will Yes at 6:21 AM on January 24, 2016 [7 favorites]
Are you in south-east England? If so, memail me and we will go out one afternoon very soon and do exactly what you want. Anything you want - I'll even go to a football game and drink beer if it will make you smile. I will bring with me a wrapped gift of small monetary value, but selected with care and attention to the hints you drop.
Then when my birthday comes, in July, you go with me for an afternoon and we will do exactly what I want. That might mean thrifting, the V&A fashion section, and tea at the cupcake bakery but that's the deal.
This is a serious offer.
posted by tel3path at 6:30 AM on January 24, 2016 [47 favorites]
Then when my birthday comes, in July, you go with me for an afternoon and we will do exactly what I want. That might mean thrifting, the V&A fashion section, and tea at the cupcake bakery but that's the deal.
This is a serious offer.
posted by tel3path at 6:30 AM on January 24, 2016 [47 favorites]
I go away somewhere by myself. It's usually not far, because I usually can't afford that. Two years ago it was New Hampshire, last year it was just NYC. I can't say that I now enjoy my birthday in itself, but I do enjoy the travel, even when it's just to a neighboring state. And having something to do that's enjoyable makes it possible to almost totally ignore the fact that I'm turning one year older.
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:32 AM on January 24, 2016
posted by DestinationUnknown at 6:32 AM on January 24, 2016
I have the same birthday as listen, lady (and a similar experience of it over time), and I generally go with a combination of no expectations and planning something myself. I like to invite friends to go to brunch with me, as that meal remains mostly unromanticized and we can go close to my actual birthday. This only works if the weather cooperates, of course, so sometimes a friend whose birthday is in mid-December and I will do something in, like, April or May and call it our joint birthday celebration.
Either way, I find that making some kind of plan -- even if it's just "eat a cupcake and watch a movie" -- eases that My Birthday Must Be Special pressure and makes any outside recognition gravy.
posted by camyram at 6:40 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Either way, I find that making some kind of plan -- even if it's just "eat a cupcake and watch a movie" -- eases that My Birthday Must Be Special pressure and makes any outside recognition gravy.
posted by camyram at 6:40 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
If you are feeling too tired during the week, you might try moving whatever fun doing activity you will do "for your birthday" to the weekend after. Then you can stave off questions that arise by stating, "Oh, I'm celebrating on Saturday." This may gradually loosen your attachment to the particular day and it deflects people who aren't persistently curious. Also having all the hours of the day open gives you more choices about what to do.
posted by puddledork at 6:46 AM on January 24, 2016
posted by puddledork at 6:46 AM on January 24, 2016
I used to go to a yoga retreat up in the mountains. Spent the day, or two or three, doing yoga and meditating and hiking in the woods. They also had a Jacuzzi, a sauna and massages. I got out of the yoga habit but, thinking back, it was a great way to start off another year.
posted by BoscosMom at 6:52 AM on January 24, 2016
posted by BoscosMom at 6:52 AM on January 24, 2016
OP: "It's more that I've always felt that it's supposed to be a special day and it isn't, usually. Wanting to have fun and not having fun is way less fun than a day when I never hoped or expected to have fun in the first place. "
A wise and true observation. I took a few years off from my birthday as I transitioned into adulthood for exactly this reason. (Also it is a lot less stressful if you don't care what day that week your "birthday" is ... which also lets you knock off family obligations on the birthday but still CELEBRATE your birthday yourself in your own way on the day you pick, which is a different day.)
Finding something you really want to do and making a day where you do THAT -- read in your favorite chair, go to a concert, watch three movies in a row at the theater and eat nothing but popcorn for meals, invite friends out for drinks, splurge on something expensive at the shop -- whatever it is. But reading your post, I was thinking, "SPA DAY!" A 90-minute massage and a facial and a pedicure, followed by a solo meal at your favorite restaurant (just you and your favorite book), is an excellent birthday sort of day, IMO. Especially in January, when it's grey and dull and everyone can use a little pampering.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:20 AM on January 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
A wise and true observation. I took a few years off from my birthday as I transitioned into adulthood for exactly this reason. (Also it is a lot less stressful if you don't care what day that week your "birthday" is ... which also lets you knock off family obligations on the birthday but still CELEBRATE your birthday yourself in your own way on the day you pick, which is a different day.)
Finding something you really want to do and making a day where you do THAT -- read in your favorite chair, go to a concert, watch three movies in a row at the theater and eat nothing but popcorn for meals, invite friends out for drinks, splurge on something expensive at the shop -- whatever it is. But reading your post, I was thinking, "SPA DAY!" A 90-minute massage and a facial and a pedicure, followed by a solo meal at your favorite restaurant (just you and your favorite book), is an excellent birthday sort of day, IMO. Especially in January, when it's grey and dull and everyone can use a little pampering.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 7:20 AM on January 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
I love my birthday! I was going to post exactly what Eyebrows McGee just said. On my birthday, I take the day off from work and spend the entire day doing whatever I want, usually by myself. In the weeks leading up to it, I think about what my perfect day would be like, if I didn't have to go to work or take care of the kids or do chores and I could just do anything I wanted. Since I have young kids, for me that often takes the form of lingering at a coffee shop, browsing at a bookstore, taking the train to an unfamiliar neighborhood and wandering around, that sort of thing that make me feel more human but is hard to make part of my daily life. I think the key is not to depend on anybody else or expect anything from them. If you plan stuff with your partner and they're not feeling great that day, or are stressing about some work problem or something, it's not going to be a relaxing fun day. Just hang by yourself. And don't do anything productive!
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:48 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by chickenmagazine at 7:48 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Everyone in my family also has a birthday around this time of year so there's a lot of stress about getting ready for their birthdays, too.
Do you think they feel the same way about their birthdays? What do you think and what would they think about one big joint potluck birthday party? Either put an embargo on presents or Secret Santa type situation or some sort of grab bag of presents or white elephant-type of gifting if your family likes that sort of thing. Everyone brings their favorite food. One person brings an extra special cake. Do a movie marathon. Or just a great soundtrack or games or whatever your family does for group entertainment. No one is forgotten and everyone gets a celebration and it's all taken care of in one go.
Sorry. I just reread that you don't like parties (and I totally get that) but at this kind of gathering you won't be the center of attention.
posted by Beti at 7:50 AM on January 24, 2016
Do you think they feel the same way about their birthdays? What do you think and what would they think about one big joint potluck birthday party? Either put an embargo on presents or Secret Santa type situation or some sort of grab bag of presents or white elephant-type of gifting if your family likes that sort of thing. Everyone brings their favorite food. One person brings an extra special cake. Do a movie marathon. Or just a great soundtrack or games or whatever your family does for group entertainment. No one is forgotten and everyone gets a celebration and it's all taken care of in one go.
Sorry. I just reread that you don't like parties (and I totally get that) but at this kind of gathering you won't be the center of attention.
posted by Beti at 7:50 AM on January 24, 2016
I got nothing. I hate my birthday. Every single birthday that I can remember that I didn't spend alone has sucked. I enjoy other people's birthdays but my own? Forget it.
I don't even tell people when my birthday is. I'll avoid the answer or if they push I'll choose a date 6 months away.
So what "works" for me is that I don't live near anyone (friend or family) who knows when my birthday is so I'm able to treat it like any other day. I'm not going to say I moved 2,000 miles away from home in order to accomplish this but I'm not not going to say that either.
So, er, drink a lot?
posted by bfootdav at 7:57 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I don't even tell people when my birthday is. I'll avoid the answer or if they push I'll choose a date 6 months away.
So what "works" for me is that I don't live near anyone (friend or family) who knows when my birthday is so I'm able to treat it like any other day. I'm not going to say I moved 2,000 miles away from home in order to accomplish this but I'm not not going to say that either.
So, er, drink a lot?
posted by bfootdav at 7:57 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Think of something that makes you say "FUCK YEAH BIRTHDAY I DO WHAT I WANT" and then invite people to join you.
posted by deathpanels at 8:01 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by deathpanels at 8:01 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
P.S. - After writing my answer above, I recalled a particular birthday in my 20s when I also cried because my boyfriend gave me a very logical explanation of why he DIDN'T do all sorts of things to celebrate, even though he had thought of them ("I didn't bother to make dinner reservations because it was a weekday and I knew we'd be able to get a seat, and I didn't get you a present because I know you've been worried about our finances, and I didn't get you a cake because I thought we'd eat dessert at the restaurant, and I didn't invite anybody because I thought you might like to have just the two of us, and I thought about getting you chocolate but I know you've been watching your weight...") and all I could think of was, "No presents. No friends. No cake. I HATE THIS BIRTHDAY."
That was so long ago I had almost forgotten it! But yeah, now that I think about it, it was hard at first to drop my expectations of other people. At first it was a huge effort and I kept starting to resent my BF and others who I wished would want to celebrate my birthday, and then having to remind myself that I'm an adult now (boo!) and need to take responsibility for my own happiness. But after a year or two, I started really enjoying my "all about me" birthdays, and started honestly not expecting anything without feeling resentful about it (which makes it a pleasant surprise when family and friends do anything!). Also, your family and friends do lots of things throughout the year that show you that they love and care for you. Don't put so much pressure on your birthday for these shows of affection and try to appreciate them when they happen.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:03 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
That was so long ago I had almost forgotten it! But yeah, now that I think about it, it was hard at first to drop my expectations of other people. At first it was a huge effort and I kept starting to resent my BF and others who I wished would want to celebrate my birthday, and then having to remind myself that I'm an adult now (boo!) and need to take responsibility for my own happiness. But after a year or two, I started really enjoying my "all about me" birthdays, and started honestly not expecting anything without feeling resentful about it (which makes it a pleasant surprise when family and friends do anything!). Also, your family and friends do lots of things throughout the year that show you that they love and care for you. Don't put so much pressure on your birthday for these shows of affection and try to appreciate them when they happen.
posted by chickenmagazine at 8:03 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Start a tradition of giving someone else a present on your birthday.
Like this: If I happen to spot a homeless person or a panhandler on Christmas Eve, I give them all the cash I happen to have in my wallet at that moment. No questions asked, no hemming, no hawing, just do it. Sometimes this is a few bucks. Sometimes I never see a homeless person that day. One time it was $180. It's fun. It's my little thing.
Create one for yourself.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:22 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
Like this: If I happen to spot a homeless person or a panhandler on Christmas Eve, I give them all the cash I happen to have in my wallet at that moment. No questions asked, no hemming, no hawing, just do it. Sometimes this is a few bucks. Sometimes I never see a homeless person that day. One time it was $180. It's fun. It's my little thing.
Create one for yourself.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 8:22 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
I love my birthday, also in January, way too close to Christmas. As a kid, family made a big deal about birthday and they were generally great. I've preserved the greatness as an adult by taking responsibility for my own happiness. I decide what would be most awesome and let other people know. Some years, that's a nice dinner out with my favorite people. Some years, when I've been broke, it's making a list of all the free birthday goodies around and trying to take advantage of as many as possible in one day. Basically, I'm very explicit that "it's my birthday, bitches!" and my friends now understand that it is, as one puts it, the holiest day of the year.
So, I'm not saying you should do what I do specifically, or even make a big deal of it. I'm saying that as an adult, it's up to you to decide what would make you the very happiest on this one day and then ASK FOR IT. And if it's a time without people to give you what you ask for, then be your own very best friend and give it to yourself. I find it very freeing to have one day a year where I get to put myself first for every minute of the day! You can do this too :).
And happy birthday!
posted by purenitrous at 8:29 AM on January 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
So, I'm not saying you should do what I do specifically, or even make a big deal of it. I'm saying that as an adult, it's up to you to decide what would make you the very happiest on this one day and then ASK FOR IT. And if it's a time without people to give you what you ask for, then be your own very best friend and give it to yourself. I find it very freeing to have one day a year where I get to put myself first for every minute of the day! You can do this too :).
And happy birthday!
posted by purenitrous at 8:29 AM on January 24, 2016 [3 favorites]
Start a tradition of doing something you love and stick to it. The first year my now husband were dating he took me to Vegas for a long weekend and we've done it every year since (just got back home last Monday).
It's a perfect tradition for me because we get time to do whatever we want, just the two of us, after all the family craziness of the holidays. There's no stress about parties. We play lots of poker, bet on NFL playoff games, and go hiking, all things I love and don't get to do the rest of the year. And we get a break from the cold in the Northeast.
If that kind of thing is too extravagant, find something else completely special, a little selfish, and lots of fun to do by yourself or with a special someone you can always count on being available.
posted by jshort at 8:54 AM on January 24, 2016
It's a perfect tradition for me because we get time to do whatever we want, just the two of us, after all the family craziness of the holidays. There's no stress about parties. We play lots of poker, bet on NFL playoff games, and go hiking, all things I love and don't get to do the rest of the year. And we get a break from the cold in the Northeast.
If that kind of thing is too extravagant, find something else completely special, a little selfish, and lots of fun to do by yourself or with a special someone you can always count on being available.
posted by jshort at 8:54 AM on January 24, 2016
I feel you - my feelings about birthdays aren't quite the same as yours, but I went through a rough transition when I hit a certain age and it went from "giant organized parties with tons of friends and cakes and alcohol flowing" to living in a new city where I knew less people and those I know are settled down with kids and not so into that scene (and honestly I'm kinda over the giant party with lots of drinking too). What has helped for me is thinking about what would really be lovely and special NOW, when I wouldn't necessarily even enjoy those crazy parties of years past. My husband and I ended up starting a tradition where sometime around each of our birthdays, the other person plans an "adventure" of some sort. Sometimes this has involved a weekend trip to a nearby city with a night in a fancy hotel, and other years when our finances have been more limited, it's been more of a staycation thing where the non-birthday-person plans "tourist in your own city" activities and bakes a fancy cake. Whatever is planned, it is a total surprise for the birthday person, although this might or might not be a fun element for you -- but I think the key is that, surprise or no, the birthday person doesn't have to do any work or planning -- they just get to enjoy this fun adventure that is planned for them. It is AWESOME and feels totally special in a really different way from those old birthday parties. So - maybe something to talk about with your partner?
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:59 AM on January 24, 2016
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:59 AM on January 24, 2016
I have a different attitude toward birthdays that I'll offer up in case you might find it helpful to adopt it. I've always felt that birthday celebrations are for kids. Not that it's wrong to mark an adult's birthday, but it just seems silly to me to have such high expectations of being feted every year or to do something super awesome fun and inevitably results in people feeling unloved when that doesn't happen. I'm perfectly happy if my spouse and my mom say "happy birthday" and give me a small gift. I don't think it's reasonable to expect anyone else to even know when my birthday is. Of course it's lovely if people do more, I don't object at all! But I don't have that expectation.
posted by HotToddy at 9:26 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by HotToddy at 9:26 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
1. Have a low expectation level
2. Decide what you want within that level.
3. Tell someone who can be relied on to come through for you.
I am also uncomfortable with my birthday and prefer something that's not extravagant. I rarely do anything beyond a phone call for my siblings, but my BD falls the day after a Holiday for which everyone gathers, so it gets celebrated more than my sibs' and that is awkward.
This year we skipped the holiday because of work and stress, and I asked my husband
- to wish me a happy birthday
- for something wrapped
- for a cake of some sort.
Perfect, for me.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:28 AM on January 24, 2016
2. Decide what you want within that level.
3. Tell someone who can be relied on to come through for you.
I am also uncomfortable with my birthday and prefer something that's not extravagant. I rarely do anything beyond a phone call for my siblings, but my BD falls the day after a Holiday for which everyone gathers, so it gets celebrated more than my sibs' and that is awkward.
This year we skipped the holiday because of work and stress, and I asked my husband
- to wish me a happy birthday
- for something wrapped
- for a cake of some sort.
Perfect, for me.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:28 AM on January 24, 2016
Also, once I wanted to avoid the "Over the Hill" extravaganza that coworkers like to do when people turn 50, so I lied and told them I was turning 51. They just figured they had missed my 50th the year before and I got away with it.
posted by SLC Mom at 9:34 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by SLC Mom at 9:34 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]
To me, its just another Tuesday (or Wednesday or...) I am not looking for fun on my birthday. I fall into the camp that I think my mother should be honored on my birthday. She squeezed me out.
I have thought a small amount about it because whenever someone remembers my birthday and ask what I want to do, I have no suggestions ready. Then, I am subject to what their idea of a good birthday is, not mine. Have a plan as to what you want to do, and do it. If that means having a party, invite friends and family, if that means a nice dinner out, make reservations.
If you don't define what is, to you, a good birthday, someone else will define it for you or not define it at all.
For me, when my kids ask (they are all away at school on my birthday) i tell them I want a banana cake or a card with one cherished memory of something we did together.
posted by AugustWest at 9:41 AM on January 24, 2016
I have thought a small amount about it because whenever someone remembers my birthday and ask what I want to do, I have no suggestions ready. Then, I am subject to what their idea of a good birthday is, not mine. Have a plan as to what you want to do, and do it. If that means having a party, invite friends and family, if that means a nice dinner out, make reservations.
If you don't define what is, to you, a good birthday, someone else will define it for you or not define it at all.
For me, when my kids ask (they are all away at school on my birthday) i tell them I want a banana cake or a card with one cherished memory of something we did together.
posted by AugustWest at 9:41 AM on January 24, 2016
I ask people I like to have lunch or dinner with me and pick up the tab.
posted by Ideefixe at 9:54 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by Ideefixe at 9:54 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
I use my birthday as a day to get little gifts and do little things for the people I love. Sometimes that's a small gift. Sometimes, I say (something like), "It's my birthday and I'm taking you out to dinner because it makes me happy" (so like it or lump it). *I'm* the Birthday Boy: suck it up, buttercup. It's all on my terms and I really do enjoy it a hell of a lot more.
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:10 AM on January 24, 2016
posted by Emperor SnooKloze at 10:10 AM on January 24, 2016
I feel the same as you, anon. One thing I do is to always, ALWAYS take this day off work. I do this because 1) I don't want anyone "celebrating" my birthday at work, and 2) I don't want to put up with work-crap from anyone on my birthday which I feel should be crap-free. I also give myself guilt-free permission to lie about my birthday to avoid spending it with others, as in "I have plans with a friend" or whatever.
Then I try to do something on my day off work that I like and that is something that I rarely do, something that is too expensive or I don't have time for. My last birthday I went to the expensive yarn store and bought a pretty skein of yarn, and then took my dogs to the park. I also went to the Co-op (something I don't do much because it is always so crowded on weekends) and got a pastry and coffee.
That may sound boring but the point is to just have a completely free day to do whatever I feel like, with no one else determining what I should or should not be doing per society's norms about Birthdays.
posted by mulcahy at 11:03 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Then I try to do something on my day off work that I like and that is something that I rarely do, something that is too expensive or I don't have time for. My last birthday I went to the expensive yarn store and bought a pretty skein of yarn, and then took my dogs to the park. I also went to the Co-op (something I don't do much because it is always so crowded on weekends) and got a pastry and coffee.
That may sound boring but the point is to just have a completely free day to do whatever I feel like, with no one else determining what I should or should not be doing per society's norms about Birthdays.
posted by mulcahy at 11:03 AM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Hello, fellow winter birthday friend!
I too find parties stressful. And basically my birthday falls at a time when everyone is away on their holidays, so I always used to get similarly upset that my day fell by the wayside.
So I've created my own birthday traditions. I take myself (or sometimes one good friend) to the movies. I get a pedicure (a rare indulgence for me) and a cupcake (ditto). I do no actual work, if possible, and pleasure read. I work on a list of goals for the year. It's been really great for me to reframe my birthday as a day for myself!
posted by TwoStride at 11:13 AM on January 24, 2016
I too find parties stressful. And basically my birthday falls at a time when everyone is away on their holidays, so I always used to get similarly upset that my day fell by the wayside.
So I've created my own birthday traditions. I take myself (or sometimes one good friend) to the movies. I get a pedicure (a rare indulgence for me) and a cupcake (ditto). I do no actual work, if possible, and pleasure read. I work on a list of goals for the year. It's been really great for me to reframe my birthday as a day for myself!
posted by TwoStride at 11:13 AM on January 24, 2016
I gave away my birthdays to a greedy little boy who wanted more presents and I have stayed 17 ever since. I also was inspired to turn my former birthday May Tenth into a character in one of my fictional stories, and have had a great relationship with my birthday ever since.
Creativity is a powerful thing...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 11:47 AM on January 24, 2016
Creativity is a powerful thing...
posted by Alexandra Kitty at 11:47 AM on January 24, 2016
Oh, I feel you more than you know.
Not to throw a pity party - but when I was a kid I had decent birthdays, but as I got slightly older it went to people having better things to do than my party. In high school I just did super low-key get-togethers. And again people had better things to do. Other birthdays have included sobbing; huddling in my locked room almost calling the police on a roommate who was drunk, throwing things, and threatening us; people promising they'd show up and didn't; having work birthday cards with my name spelled wrong; and more.
So, I'm still not great at birthdays. Somehow even with ZERO expectations I still get a work birthday card with my name spelled wrong and deciding to not sing happy birthday to everyone that day because one person isn't there even though it's my last week at work. I don't have great luck.
I agree though to do something nice for YOURSELF. Use it as excuse to eat junk food and buy something special and laze around. That's what I've been trying to do the past few years. It works but I still have negative feelings around my birthday that I have yet to kick. Avoid work/social stuff if you can.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:11 PM on January 24, 2016
Not to throw a pity party - but when I was a kid I had decent birthdays, but as I got slightly older it went to people having better things to do than my party. In high school I just did super low-key get-togethers. And again people had better things to do. Other birthdays have included sobbing; huddling in my locked room almost calling the police on a roommate who was drunk, throwing things, and threatening us; people promising they'd show up and didn't; having work birthday cards with my name spelled wrong; and more.
So, I'm still not great at birthdays. Somehow even with ZERO expectations I still get a work birthday card with my name spelled wrong and deciding to not sing happy birthday to everyone that day because one person isn't there even though it's my last week at work. I don't have great luck.
I agree though to do something nice for YOURSELF. Use it as excuse to eat junk food and buy something special and laze around. That's what I've been trying to do the past few years. It works but I still have negative feelings around my birthday that I have yet to kick. Avoid work/social stuff if you can.
posted by Crystalinne at 1:11 PM on January 24, 2016
Do you like to get birthday discounts and have an excuse to go to local stores that you usually pass on? Once I tried to pick up as many as possible while walking with a friend -- there's a cafe that offers a free breakfast, another store that gave free bagels, another with a free cup of tea, one with a two for one cupcake. We had a great time and going to those places in particular provided some structure to our walk and got us off our usual paths. If you sign up in advance, Sephora will give you a gift. Lots of chain restaurants have something for people who signup in advance. My experience is that many local sit-down restaurants have a birthday discount or a free dessert if you go on your birthday. Would that help redefine the day as a special fun time to try something new for you?
posted by SandiBeech at 1:28 PM on January 24, 2016
posted by SandiBeech at 1:28 PM on January 24, 2016
I'm not a big fan of birthdays, but what I've done over the past few years is turn it into an excuse to do whatever I want for an entire day. Within reason, of course. I take the day off from work if it's a scheduled work day, I sleep in if I feel like it, if there's a museum exhibit or some event happening that day that I want to partake in then I arrange to do that, I eat what I want, I spend time with people whose company I enjoy if I'm in the mood for company and if not I spend the day alone, and so on. Last year I spent my birthday visiting my best friend who had moved across the country about 8 months prior, and I got to explore a part of the country I'd never visited before. The year prior to that I spent the actual day writing a paper that was due that night, but the next day I spent the day alone seeing a movie and taking myself book shopping, then home to order really good butter chicken which I ate in the bathtub while drinking wine and watching a movie on my laptop.
Oh, also, work celebrations of birthdays really bum me out, especially since I'm not actually friends with any of the people in my department. I worked as a contractor for months in the department before I was hired, so I got to see how huffy and stompy and eye-rolly everyone got about the birthday cards that were passed around every month for signatures and it really grossed me out. So when I got hired on and my manager asked me if I wanted to participate in that, I opted out. (I still sign the cards for everyone else but one isn't passed around for my birthday.) I don't need any forced birthday greetings, thanks.
Basically, I plan something fun but low-key to do that I really want to do regardless of whether or not someone joins me, let my favorite people know my plans so that they can join me if they'd like, and then let the chips fall where they may. There have been times when I didn't want to spend any of that day with anyone else, and so I've lied and told people I had plans and then holed up by myself to do what I wanted. The key is that I do what I want, I don't apologize for it, and because it's MY birthday no one's ever said boo to me about it. If anyone gives you guff about how you want to spend your birthday, remind them of that. It's YOUR birthday and you get to spend it doing what you want. So there.
posted by palomar at 2:24 PM on January 24, 2016
Oh, also, work celebrations of birthdays really bum me out, especially since I'm not actually friends with any of the people in my department. I worked as a contractor for months in the department before I was hired, so I got to see how huffy and stompy and eye-rolly everyone got about the birthday cards that were passed around every month for signatures and it really grossed me out. So when I got hired on and my manager asked me if I wanted to participate in that, I opted out. (I still sign the cards for everyone else but one isn't passed around for my birthday.) I don't need any forced birthday greetings, thanks.
Basically, I plan something fun but low-key to do that I really want to do regardless of whether or not someone joins me, let my favorite people know my plans so that they can join me if they'd like, and then let the chips fall where they may. There have been times when I didn't want to spend any of that day with anyone else, and so I've lied and told people I had plans and then holed up by myself to do what I wanted. The key is that I do what I want, I don't apologize for it, and because it's MY birthday no one's ever said boo to me about it. If anyone gives you guff about how you want to spend your birthday, remind them of that. It's YOUR birthday and you get to spend it doing what you want. So there.
posted by palomar at 2:24 PM on January 24, 2016
I am a birthday-hater in recovery.
I tried to reduce my expectations, as many people upthread suggest, but I've never been able to shake the disappointment in underwhelming birthdays, or the vague sense of shame that there aren't people in my life who go out of their way to fête me. I tried to put on a happy face about doing great solitary things, and in truth I've had some good experiences by myself on my birthday, but I can't get rid of the feeling that the only good birthday is one where people do nice things for you.
The only solution I've found is to work for my birthday fun. I have been making a conscious effort to put in emotional labour to make my relationships better, and this is another place where I am recognizing the need to work a lot for seemingly effortless happiness. So, I have invited people--sometimes lots of them--to dinner, and made reservations etc. I have told friends that I don't have birthday plans and asked if they were free to do something special with me. I have publicized that I *want* help having a good birthday. Your plans will differ, obviously, and probably be less party-centric and more partner-involved--but my general advice is that if you can't avoid the good-birthday desire, embrace it fully rather than halfassing it.
posted by Edna Million at 3:32 PM on January 24, 2016
I tried to reduce my expectations, as many people upthread suggest, but I've never been able to shake the disappointment in underwhelming birthdays, or the vague sense of shame that there aren't people in my life who go out of their way to fête me. I tried to put on a happy face about doing great solitary things, and in truth I've had some good experiences by myself on my birthday, but I can't get rid of the feeling that the only good birthday is one where people do nice things for you.
The only solution I've found is to work for my birthday fun. I have been making a conscious effort to put in emotional labour to make my relationships better, and this is another place where I am recognizing the need to work a lot for seemingly effortless happiness. So, I have invited people--sometimes lots of them--to dinner, and made reservations etc. I have told friends that I don't have birthday plans and asked if they were free to do something special with me. I have publicized that I *want* help having a good birthday. Your plans will differ, obviously, and probably be less party-centric and more partner-involved--but my general advice is that if you can't avoid the good-birthday desire, embrace it fully rather than halfassing it.
posted by Edna Million at 3:32 PM on January 24, 2016
Start a tradition of giving someone else a present on your birthday.
A couple of years ago I decided to try and convert all the generic Facebook "Happy Birthday" messages into something useful. I picked a local Donors Choose project that seemed achievable (about $300 to raise) and put it up on my Facebook page with the message -- "Instead of wishing me a Happy Birthday, can you please throw $5 at this school who needs books in their classroom". The first year we cleared the goal in three hours, and last year my (pretty broke and artsy type) friends raised over $800 for a literacy project for a local ESL classroom.
Now, I'm also a professional fundraiser, so this might not be everyone's speed, but it has turned around what was a pretty lousy day into a day where I feel like I'm channeling some good back into the world.
posted by anastasiav at 6:24 PM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
A couple of years ago I decided to try and convert all the generic Facebook "Happy Birthday" messages into something useful. I picked a local Donors Choose project that seemed achievable (about $300 to raise) and put it up on my Facebook page with the message -- "Instead of wishing me a Happy Birthday, can you please throw $5 at this school who needs books in their classroom". The first year we cleared the goal in three hours, and last year my (pretty broke and artsy type) friends raised over $800 for a literacy project for a local ESL classroom.
Now, I'm also a professional fundraiser, so this might not be everyone's speed, but it has turned around what was a pretty lousy day into a day where I feel like I'm channeling some good back into the world.
posted by anastasiav at 6:24 PM on January 24, 2016 [1 favorite]
Having no friends around makes it challenging. What if you traveled on your birthday to see some old friends for drinks, as a gift to yourself? Stay in a nice hotel, have a great evening with them, go home the next day.
The good part of birthdays for me is not any of the food or presents, but seeing people I miss and just making time to hang out and BS and drink a little.
posted by emjaybee at 7:19 PM on January 24, 2016
The good part of birthdays for me is not any of the food or presents, but seeing people I miss and just making time to hang out and BS and drink a little.
posted by emjaybee at 7:19 PM on January 24, 2016
Wanting to have fun and not having fun is way less fun than a day when I never hoped or expected to have fun in the first place.
I'm not sure if you are counting on others to plan a thing you think will be fun, but you can plan for yourself what you would like to do on your birthday and then do that.
Make a nice solid plan that doesn't depend on everyone else going along with it or being in a certain mood.
Some ideas are to plan on visiting a favorite restaurant, visit a part of town you like walking around in, take some time to do strategic planning for the upcoming year, or plan to purchase something special for yourself that day.
You can also decide to simply not celebrate your birthday, and stop expecting anything special o that day.
posted by yohko at 2:12 AM on January 25, 2016
I'm not sure if you are counting on others to plan a thing you think will be fun, but you can plan for yourself what you would like to do on your birthday and then do that.
Make a nice solid plan that doesn't depend on everyone else going along with it or being in a certain mood.
Some ideas are to plan on visiting a favorite restaurant, visit a part of town you like walking around in, take some time to do strategic planning for the upcoming year, or plan to purchase something special for yourself that day.
You can also decide to simply not celebrate your birthday, and stop expecting anything special o that day.
posted by yohko at 2:12 AM on January 25, 2016
In case you try a bunch of the above, and you still end up hating your birthday, you could try to just not have a birthday. Yes, legally I have a birthday, but very few no it. For any non-legal reasons I put down a fake birthday; one of two dates which are within the same month as my birthday.
For people, on the rare chance that I'm asked, I just say "I don't do birthdays." If they ask why, I give them a flatter look, and repeat in a more monotone, "I don't do birthdays." I've never had to do more than one repition. Beyond that, I simply don't think about it, and try as much as possible to just have this be something that breezes by with no stress and grief. While my place of employment occaisionally does things for people's birthdays, I've let HR know I don't want mine publicly known and they're fine with it. I'm also not alone in having gone to HR specifically to request this despite being only about a 100 person company.
At this point (I've been doing this for decades), Ms. nobeagle has problems actually remembering my birth date (which makes me smile happily). I don't think my kids remember my birth date. The only thing is I might hear a brief happy birthday from my sister. Beyond that, it's a non-event and thus nothing bad. I'm content with the lack of a negative.
posted by nobeagle at 7:39 AM on January 25, 2016
For people, on the rare chance that I'm asked, I just say "I don't do birthdays." If they ask why, I give them a flatter look, and repeat in a more monotone, "I don't do birthdays." I've never had to do more than one repition. Beyond that, I simply don't think about it, and try as much as possible to just have this be something that breezes by with no stress and grief. While my place of employment occaisionally does things for people's birthdays, I've let HR know I don't want mine publicly known and they're fine with it. I'm also not alone in having gone to HR specifically to request this despite being only about a 100 person company.
At this point (I've been doing this for decades), Ms. nobeagle has problems actually remembering my birth date (which makes me smile happily). I don't think my kids remember my birth date. The only thing is I might hear a brief happy birthday from my sister. Beyond that, it's a non-event and thus nothing bad. I'm content with the lack of a negative.
posted by nobeagle at 7:39 AM on January 25, 2016
I always have a good time on my birthday. Here's how: I always take the day off work. I do exactly what I want to do. It helps that I like to do things alone. So I'll basically take myself out on an all-day date. I wear an outfit I like and then see what I want to do. Often I'll go get coffee at a lovely coffeeshop and sit and watch everyone hustle to work. Then I might go putz around some shops with cute stuff or go to a museum. One year I went birdwatching. Then I go out for lunch some place and eat exactly what I want to eat. This year I might take an afternoon nap because I'm into those now.
If anyone offered to spend the day with me, I would turn them down. It would ruin the ease with which I get to decide what to do, without taking into account anyone else's desires or schedules.
The only compromises that occur are in the evening when I'll celebrate with my partner. We make a nice meal together usually and I open presents from my family that I've saved for the evening. I might talk with my family on the phone since they're far away. I've usually bought myself a present during the day while out and about and I'll enjoy it (looking at it, using it, whatever) that evening.
It might also help that my family's gift giving style suits me: they give small thoughtful or useful things, nothing big. For example, when I get handmade potholders I'm thrilled. If someone gives me something big or expensive, there's a lot more pressure to feel/act certain ways about it and I often feel guilty about their generosity. (All of this is my baggage I realize--I'm just saying that I have an easier time because my family's gift giving makes me feel loved usually. Another thing to think about.)
posted by purple_bird at 9:56 AM on January 25, 2016
If anyone offered to spend the day with me, I would turn them down. It would ruin the ease with which I get to decide what to do, without taking into account anyone else's desires or schedules.
The only compromises that occur are in the evening when I'll celebrate with my partner. We make a nice meal together usually and I open presents from my family that I've saved for the evening. I might talk with my family on the phone since they're far away. I've usually bought myself a present during the day while out and about and I'll enjoy it (looking at it, using it, whatever) that evening.
It might also help that my family's gift giving style suits me: they give small thoughtful or useful things, nothing big. For example, when I get handmade potholders I'm thrilled. If someone gives me something big or expensive, there's a lot more pressure to feel/act certain ways about it and I often feel guilty about their generosity. (All of this is my baggage I realize--I'm just saying that I have an easier time because my family's gift giving makes me feel loved usually. Another thing to think about.)
posted by purple_bird at 9:56 AM on January 25, 2016
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I've also found it helpful to think about what I actually care about when planning birthday activities. I find big meals/parties a lot more stressful than enjoyable (especially when I have to plan them), and I HATE surprises and make sure the people closest to me known that I never never never want a surprise party. What I actually enjoy is hanging out in a low-key setting with a subset of the small group of people I'm close to and comfortable with (partner, sister, one close friend etc.) so I might try to do something like that, but not try too hard or mind much if it doesn't happen.
Can you think of changes you could make that would feel okay? Do you want to give yourself a year off from celebrating your birthday entirely? Nominate a date to do fun things later in the year when the weather's better as a kind of surrogate birthday celebration? Take the day and plan small low-stress-if-they-don't-work-out pleasant things yourself so you're not dependent on anyone else for birthday? Do activities entirely on your own that you know you enjoy (spa/visit favourite place/eat delicious food/etc.) so that you don't feel like you're putting pressure on your partner too?
I guess what I'm saying is: can you divorce trying to have a nice time from the fact that it's your birthday and just do what you'd do to have a nice time if it wasn't your birthday (and frame it this way in your mind), either on the day itself or on another day you choose? My best Christmas ever was the one where none of us gave a fuck or cooked a big meal or did stressful social stuff with friends/family - we made some party nibbles and ate them and watched TV and it didn't feel like Christmas but that was fine, because none it us cared about performative Christmas.
You don't need to perform birthday for your own benefit or anyone else's...so what do you actually want to do?
posted by terretu at 2:12 AM on January 24, 2016 [2 favorites]