I know. I suck. I forgot your birthday AGAIN.

July 11, 2007 10:05 AM

Why do I have a mental block about birthdays? And what techniques could I use to be more respectful of others' birthdays?

I have always been an odd duck about some social obligations. If I remember them at all, they tend to either make me anxious all out of proportion to the event. But most of the time, I seem to have a mental block about birthdays. They aren't even on my radar screen until after they pass and I feel guilty.

I've always been "meh" about my own birthday. I really don't care if it is remembered. Actually, I dislike the whole birthday ritual thing and the fuss. This isn't something acquired with age, I've been like this since elementary school. But, if someone acknowledges my birthday, I try to avoid acting like a bore with the "What birthday?" reaction. After all, their intentions are kind and they care about birthdays.

But I feel guilty and terrible that my mental block about birthdays affects people that I really care about. Other people love birthdays and love to be remembered on their birthday and when I think about the social obligations of remembering the birthdays of others, I get anxious. I'll be very honest here. Sometimes I even feel rebellious and feel like "Gah! Why can't I be a good friend without needing to always remember to send a card in time or pick out the perfect present on cue??! Why can't I get the perfect present when I think of it/find it and just give it then even though it isn't the official birthday? WHY ARE THERE SO MANY EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE DEADLINES?!"

Obviously, this is my freaky issue. And I feel like goof for making such a big deal of it. AND I don't want to hurt the feelings of others. Any advice for making the rememberance of birthdays less social-anxiety provoking?

(This is now a bigger issue since I have an 18-month-old and, soon, birthdays will be a VERY BIG DEAL from now on.)

posted by jeanmari to human relations (22 comments total)

Eh. I think people make way too big a deal about birthdays as well. Have you tried using one of those email reminder websites like this?
posted by Durin's Bane at 10:09 AM on July 11, 2007

An idea I've had is making a list of the 20 important birthdays, in chronological order. Each year, I just go down the list, circling who is next. I might say, "okay, July 11th. Next birthday is Dave's on August 2." Then on Jan 1, start over at top of list...

If you can't tell, I tend to forget birthdays as well.
posted by bullitt 5 at 10:12 AM on July 11, 2007

I don't think you'd/you'll/you offend most people by not acknowledging their birthday, but if you decide that remembering or celebrating your friends' birthday is something YOU want to do, I do have some tips from what I've decided on the topic in the past.

Faced with the stress of both birthday and Christmas presents (and the budget issue, if that applies), I decided to just send birthday and not Christmas gifts to friends. While harder to remember overall, it does allow you to space out the stress.

Use whatever reminder system works for you, digital or a birthday calendar, to remove the challenge of actually remembering. Perhaps even figure how much time you'll want to send it, and set the "timer" ahead that much.

Find birthday cards that you like ahead of time and buy a larger package of them. I hated stressing about how lame the grocery store cards were, etc., etc., and found a style I liked online. Now they're convenient and I know I'll find something I like.

Create a system of giving gifts that you can live with, e.g., a price level, a standard gift that will still be appreciated (gift cards!), etc. I do like picking out something custom, but that's my strategy to make it enjoyable for me. But unless you like the stress of picking out a perfect gift, I doubt most people would be as rude as to not appreciate something that wasn't oh my goodness perfect. Really, it is the thought that counts.

Again, I wouldn't stress too much about forgetting birthdays. Or even sending belated greetings. Or just calling. Or whatever you're comfortable with. But from one parent to another, I think you will find celebrating your children's birthdays enjoyable. There at least there's still magic. And there's no way you'll be able to forget the date. ;)
posted by artifarce at 10:18 AM on July 11, 2007

Maybe it would help if you had a birthday calendar. They're more common in Europe than here, but you can find them if you search for "birthday calendar" or "perpetual calendar". Mine's in the bathroom where I see it when I brush my teeth.
Here's one that might be right up your alley.
posted by bink at 10:21 AM on July 11, 2007

My sister made up a calendar at snapfish.com that has photographs of each family member on their birthdays and anniversaries. I hang it in my office to show off the pictures of my nephews and niece. I haven't missed a birthday this year (which is a big accomplishment for me).
posted by kamikazegopher at 10:25 AM on July 11, 2007

I don't think you'd/you'll/you offend most people by not acknowledging their birthday

I think this is bad advice. There are people to whom their birthdays are very important, especially if the birthday is close to a major holiday. Basically though it comes down to: (a) use a calendar and (b) buy presents when you see them, not when you need them--that way you already have them.
posted by dame at 10:37 AM on July 11, 2007

Google Calendar. Since you can have multiple calendars, and flick through them very easily, just set up one that records all the birthdays, anniversaries and what not, that you need!

Plus, it's free.

A card is sufficient for most people's birthday, particular as you get older. Presents should be reserved for your closest circle.
posted by canine epigram at 11:01 AM on July 11, 2007

I created a calendar on Google Calendar, and add an entry for each birthday (make sure you set it to repeat every year), then I make it send me a reminder (an email and an SMS to my phone) a week or two before the date for people that live out of town (so I can go that day, buy a card, and send it to them) or a couple of days before for friends and family that live in town. It's also useful for wedding anniversaries, and allows you to have an RSS feed of upcoming "important" dates. People marvel at how I can "remember" the most obscure dates that I've only heard once, when in reality, I put it in Google and forget about it. (Set it, and FORGET it!).
posted by blue_beetle at 11:02 AM on July 11, 2007

Also, it's helpful to have a stash of birthday cards standing by with stamped envelopes that you can send to whoever is next in the birthday list. When you get the reminder, address the envelope, sign the card, and drop it in the mailbox.

Additional tip: Things like gift certificates for movie theaters work well as birthday presents, and you can buy some that don't expire for a couple of years. Buy enough for everyone on your list, and put them in your pre-bought cards, now there's nothing to think about when a birthday rolls around.
posted by blue_beetle at 11:04 AM on July 11, 2007

Heh. This question made me laugh, because it's exactly like a friend of mine. I'm betting that the anxiety and "forgetting" birthdays are related. (Do you have family members or old friends who used to get really mad at you for not acknowledging their bdays or other holidays in the "right" way, and would guilt-trip you about it?)

I think the first thing to do is to realize that *acknowledging* a birthday is completely and totally a separate thing from *buying* something for a birthday. For the vast majority of adults--like 95%--simply acknowledging their birthday is going to be enough. Seriously. A card is just going to get thrown away, and while gifts are nice, they are really, really not necessary. However, remembering and calling someone up to say, "Hey, happy birthday!" is a big deal. If you think about it, birthdays are the one holiday where we celebrate the simple fact that a person exists. That's really nice--the opportunity once a year to tell someone that we're glad they're in our lives. I think if you could shift your thinking to something more like that--birthdays aren't mandatory present-giving-time fraught with expectation (because trying to find the perfect present or card can get stressful), but a time to tell people we love them and we're happy they're alive--that might make a big difference. If you think of birthdays like that, they might become less of an EMOTIONALLY VOLATILE DEADLINE and more of a chance to practice being thankful for the richness of your social circle.

(The other 5% of adults are liable to get pissy or offended if you don't send a card or a gift. I'd just realize that in advance, still call them and wish them a happy birthday, and be okay with the fact that they might be pissed. You can't please everyone.)

All the answers above about calendars and so forth are very useful for jogging your memory, but the anxiety (and what sounds like possibly brewing resentment) about all this doesn't sound very pleasant, so for your own sanity I'd try to work on your thinking about what birthdays represent and why we acknowledge them. You sound like you simultaneously take them way too seriously and yet as not worth celebrating at all. That's a recipe for serious anxiety--if you can decouple other people's expectations for their birthday (or more realistically, your perception of their expectations) from what you think is a reasonable and kind way to mark another year of their presence in your life, you'll probably end up much happier.
posted by iminurmefi at 11:05 AM on July 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

In my house, we just put everyone's birthdays down on a regular calendar at the beginning of the year. Then, we hang the calendar on the side of the fridge (current month showing, naturally). If someone has a birthday that's say, July 1, we make sure that we mark it on the June side as well so we see it in time. The calendar doesn't get used for much more---mainly dentist and doctor appointments, vacation dates, and that sort of thing. It seems to work pretty well.

For calendars of stuff just for me (ie, business appointments, plans with friends, etc), I use Google Calendars. That way, the calendar on the fridge is almost exclusively birthday/doctor/dentist appointments
posted by TheFuse at 11:08 AM on July 11, 2007

Do you have family members or old friends who used to get really mad at you for not acknowledging their bdays or other holidays in the "right" way, and would guilt-trip you about it?

Heh. Yes. That would be my mom, who would often get offended that I did not send a birthday card to each of my first generation relatives on her side of the family (there are 32 of them). She would express her anger with me on their behalf or would say things like, "So-and-so was hurt that they didn't hear from you on their birthday...". Man, just thinking about that makes my stomach clench. I didn't grow up around any of them and wasn't very close to them, not like she was since they all grew up in the same town together (and we moved when I was a kid. Hmm. Wonder if that is connected to hating birthdays since grade school.)

So that may explain some of my reluctance. But I really like my friends and my spouse. So why the "Oh crap. Not again." response from me everytime a birthday rolls around? I have no idea.

And yes, although I was the one who birthed her, I have forgotten the date of my daughter's birth at least once already when asked.
posted by jeanmari at 11:33 AM on July 11, 2007

Unfortunately, I am a pretty low-tech person when it comes to calendars. I don't keep an online calendar (and I don't have a cell phone either). I kept an online calendar once at the urging of my spouse, but never remembered it was there, frankly. I don't check my email consistently so email alerts blow right by me.

And, um, even paper-based calendars will catch me by surprise. Last year, I put a calendar on the fridge and three months later thought, "Hey, it's not January. It's April."

Maybe this is also related to the fact that I am good with dogs and kids, while being terrible with keeping plants alive. Dogs and kids let you know when they are hungry. A plant would need to grab me by the ankle and yell, "HEY!" in order for me to water it.
posted by jeanmari at 11:35 AM on July 11, 2007

While a lot of people do put a lot of weight on that one day of the year, a lot of people also just like to be acknowledged at any time. If you can do something really nice and unexpected for someone at any random point of the year, it'll A) be extremely sweet of you and B) cause them to be more forgiving when you forget their birthday.

Granted, this won't work for everyone, but I think it might be helpful in addition to all the great stuff iminurmefi said.
posted by Ms. Saint at 11:39 AM on July 11, 2007

I don't know how many of your friends use social networking sites, but some sites have birthday reminders. Facebook.com has one on the main page when you sign in, on a sidebar ("Upcoming Birthdays"). Very helpful.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:01 PM on July 11, 2007 [1 favorite]

I think this is bad advice. There are people to whom their birthdays are very important...

As you'll note, that wasn't actually my advice in regards to what to actually do about birthdays. The OP hadn't indicated (yet) that people HAD been offended (her mother sounds like my grandmother though), just that they were a source of anxiety to HER. I was seeking to indicate that regardless of how she chose to change her behavior, it shouldn't be something to stress about.

But I really like my friends and my spouse. So why the "Oh crap. Not again." response from me everytime a birthday rolls around? I have no idea.

In general I think the "oh crap" response particularly comes with people we do like because of the value placed on their good opinion, regardless of how much of that opinion is based on what we actually do for them on their birthday. More fear of rejection or anger. Second cousin of your mother? Heck, they'll probably forget your birthday too, so yeah, not as much.
posted by artifarce at 12:08 PM on July 11, 2007

Oh, wow! Well, no wonder you're so stressed about birthdays.

The thing about anxiety is that it's not well-behaved and it certainly doesn't contain itself well. If you've ever been in a car accident, you still get jumpy for a while getting in *any* car--your brain doesn't think, "oh, well, it's very unlikely that I'll be hit by that same person again," it says "AVOID! DANGER!" Same deal with social anxiety that was caused by an unpleasant experience in your childhood. Of course THESE birthdays are not the exact same ones that got you guilt-tripped for failing to live up to expectations; however, it's a close enough situation that it's tripping that same anxiety-wire in your brain. If it still gives you a knot in your stomach to think about not writing a card for your distant relatives, it's obviously still having an impact. (In fact, I wouldn't be surprised if this is why you have disliked having your own birthday recognized since you were younger--if anything birthday-related caused stress and anxiety, there's no reason that your own birthday would be exempt from that stress, and so you'd just want it to not be a big deal and for no one to notice it.)

I really think it will be helpful for you to sit down and think about how YOU would like to recognize your loved ones and friends on their birthday. And heck, maybe even think about who you're going to recognize--and it doesn't have to be everyone you know! Maybe the top 15 people you're closest to (or your immediate family plus best friend, or whatever). You could then, for example, resolve to write each person on your list a letter or card telling them you love them and one thing that you've always admired about them. Or one great memory you have of them. Then, for the next year, limit yourself to only that for birthdays--tell yourself right now that you're not going to run around and look for a present and try to mail it on time or do X, Y, and Z that always stresses you out. Just the letter, or phone call, plus the sincere expression of love.

Then do *just that,* and not anything else, for a year. And each time that you sit down and get ready to write that letter or make that call, think (just for a second!) about those bad feelings from being guilt-tripped, then remind yourself that this isn't the same thing, you love this person and you're going to take the opportunity to tell them, and be consciously thankful that you have the chance to do so. Let yourself re-frame the experience of birthdays, and hopefully you can start relaxing a bit and getting your brain to realize that no one will yell at you for letting them down!
posted by iminurmefi at 12:10 PM on July 11, 2007

Eh, after that novel of an answer above--the shorter version is, the longer you do avoidant behavior (and forgetting birthdays, then feeling like crap that you forgot birthdays), the more this is going to make you anxious. Which leads to more avoidant behavior. So whatever you need to do to break that habit, try it! I can almost guarantee that doing ANYTHING is better than avoiding it the stress then feeling like crap.
posted by iminurmefi at 12:17 PM on July 11, 2007

As you'll note, that wasn't actually my advice in regards to what to actually do about birthdays. The OP hadn't indicated (yet) that people HAD been offended (her mother sounds like my grandmother though), just that they were a source of anxiety to HER.

And my point is that A LOT of people will be. So it is not an okay assumption. You can disagree. The poster can decide which response she thinks is better. But I think more that 95% of people care about their birthdays, and, more important, you don't know who those people will be, in general.
posted by dame at 1:10 PM on July 11, 2007

I put people's birthdays in the OS X Address Book and they show up in iCal (there's a Show Birthdays Calendar in the preferences). Once you've put someone's birthday in, it shows up year to year automatically.
posted by kirkaracha at 3:42 PM on July 11, 2007

I feel the same way. My birthday was important the year I was born and that's about it.
posted by elricbillman at 4:32 PM on July 11, 2007

I was in the same boat as you exactly as far as forgetting birthdays and other deadlines until I got a cell phone with a calendar. I know you don't have a cell phone, but does your husband? Maybe you could program the reminders to go off when you are together, and have him remind you.
posted by BrotherCaine at 12:41 AM on July 12, 2007