Blocking on Messenger: Do I Owe an Explanation?
December 12, 2016 8:30 AM Subscribe
Upon breaking up, my ex and I decided to make a go at being friends. It didn't work. I blocked her on Messenger. She then emailed me at work to ask if I'm OK, and what's up? Do I owe her an explanation? (Snowflakes within.)
I met 'A' on OKC, and we dated for two months this summer. I tried, but I simply wasn't feeling it, and so I ended it. We decided to try to remain friends. She said she was over me, but there were some suggestions that maybe she wasn't, so I backed off and let her take the initiative with any communication. We saw each other once, and it was a bit of a mess, so again I backed off.
She met someone else on OKC. It didn't work out at all. I met someone else, 'B', and we got along very, very well. Fantastically well. B and I are taking it slow, but we're both eager to develop whatever it is we have with each other. I am much, much happier with B than I ever was with A.
A would occasionally message me to ask how I was doing. She would complain about her relationship. She would also ask how I was doing, and, well, I said I was pretty happy with B. I wasn't gushy or anything, but A simply didn't want to hear it. I was a bit disappointed in that, since friends should be able to be legit happy for their friend's happiness (or at least pretend to be).
Another couple of weeks passed. I thought I would try at a friendship with A one more time, and so I reached out to A to wish her a happy birthday. She was very enthusiastic and positive about that, and I thought that maybe we had finally gotten to the friendship point.
Later that night, though, A messaged me, and (I'm pretty sure) propositioned me, or, if it was actually an innocent suggestion, would have placed me in a very awkward position with B. Then I saw that a friendship with A wasn't going to be possible, and I blocked A immediately. I did not offer any explanation of why I was blocking her, nor did I make any kind of signoff -- I just dropped it.
A couple of days later, I discovered that A had emailed me at work to ask if everything was OK, as her messages weren't going through. My work email was the only other contact point she had for me (although I'm not hidden elsewhere -- A is not on facebook). We had never communicated by my work email before.
I'm pretty sure that a friendship with A is impossible. I do not want to place myself in any difficulty with B, or be in any kind of situation where I have to explain away something. It's not that I do not trust myself with A -- it's that I do not want my old relationship to threaten my new relationship in any way whatsoever.
Still -- I feel guilty about letting A hang there without saying why I cut her off. This is in direct opposition to my impulse not to engage A in conversation about this. It's possible that I may run into A at some point, but who knows?
My Question: Do I owe A an explanation about why I dropped her?
I met 'A' on OKC, and we dated for two months this summer. I tried, but I simply wasn't feeling it, and so I ended it. We decided to try to remain friends. She said she was over me, but there were some suggestions that maybe she wasn't, so I backed off and let her take the initiative with any communication. We saw each other once, and it was a bit of a mess, so again I backed off.
She met someone else on OKC. It didn't work out at all. I met someone else, 'B', and we got along very, very well. Fantastically well. B and I are taking it slow, but we're both eager to develop whatever it is we have with each other. I am much, much happier with B than I ever was with A.
A would occasionally message me to ask how I was doing. She would complain about her relationship. She would also ask how I was doing, and, well, I said I was pretty happy with B. I wasn't gushy or anything, but A simply didn't want to hear it. I was a bit disappointed in that, since friends should be able to be legit happy for their friend's happiness (or at least pretend to be).
Another couple of weeks passed. I thought I would try at a friendship with A one more time, and so I reached out to A to wish her a happy birthday. She was very enthusiastic and positive about that, and I thought that maybe we had finally gotten to the friendship point.
Later that night, though, A messaged me, and (I'm pretty sure) propositioned me, or, if it was actually an innocent suggestion, would have placed me in a very awkward position with B. Then I saw that a friendship with A wasn't going to be possible, and I blocked A immediately. I did not offer any explanation of why I was blocking her, nor did I make any kind of signoff -- I just dropped it.
A couple of days later, I discovered that A had emailed me at work to ask if everything was OK, as her messages weren't going through. My work email was the only other contact point she had for me (although I'm not hidden elsewhere -- A is not on facebook). We had never communicated by my work email before.
I'm pretty sure that a friendship with A is impossible. I do not want to place myself in any difficulty with B, or be in any kind of situation where I have to explain away something. It's not that I do not trust myself with A -- it's that I do not want my old relationship to threaten my new relationship in any way whatsoever.
Still -- I feel guilty about letting A hang there without saying why I cut her off. This is in direct opposition to my impulse not to engage A in conversation about this. It's possible that I may run into A at some point, but who knows?
My Question: Do I owe A an explanation about why I dropped her?
I think you do owe her an explanation- from her point of view, you reached out to her on her birthday and then you blocked her. This wasn't a slow fade on your part, I don't think it's fair to expect her to read your mind on this one. Something simple like, the message you sent me on your birthday made me uncomfortable, I don't want to stay in contact any longer, would be sufficient.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:36 AM on December 12, 2016 [69 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 8:36 AM on December 12, 2016 [69 favorites]
You are being back-pocketed. You don't owe A anything, and further explanatory reaching out will only encourage her to keep trying.
posted by Etrigan at 8:37 AM on December 12, 2016
posted by Etrigan at 8:37 AM on December 12, 2016
This is a topic on which reasonable people disagree but unless there's a safety/stalking issue I always think the decent thing to do is to give people a heads up that you're no longer interested in communicating with them but it's also totally fine not to.
Without knowing a little more about what "It was a bit of a mess" means, and going just on what you said it seems like you were not sure things were working and had stopped initiating contact but then you specifically did initiate contact, she responded (and said ... something) and then you blocked her. That's a slightly weird path and to my mind it would hinge on what her proposition was (you don't have to add details here, just ask yourself, was this an unambigious "I'm still into you" thing or was she just saying "We should get together for a drink" which is not that out there)
This is someone you dated for less time than you've been split up. You're trying to make it work with B. A clean break is a pretty good way to move past this weirdness with A. If you think you can send one more "I wish you the best but I'm no longer interested in pursuing this friendship" more power to you. If not, totally AOK to just drop it, pretend you never heard from her and move on.
posted by jessamyn at 8:39 AM on December 12, 2016 [14 favorites]
Without knowing a little more about what "It was a bit of a mess" means, and going just on what you said it seems like you were not sure things were working and had stopped initiating contact but then you specifically did initiate contact, she responded (and said ... something) and then you blocked her. That's a slightly weird path and to my mind it would hinge on what her proposition was (you don't have to add details here, just ask yourself, was this an unambigious "I'm still into you" thing or was she just saying "We should get together for a drink" which is not that out there)
This is someone you dated for less time than you've been split up. You're trying to make it work with B. A clean break is a pretty good way to move past this weirdness with A. If you think you can send one more "I wish you the best but I'm no longer interested in pursuing this friendship" more power to you. If not, totally AOK to just drop it, pretend you never heard from her and move on.
posted by jessamyn at 8:39 AM on December 12, 2016 [14 favorites]
Best answer: No. You don't owe her anything.
However, if you wanted to be clear and kind (which, again, you are not *obligated* to do), you could send her one more message that states:
"Maintaining a friendship with you is not working out for me, and I am romantically involved with someone else. Going forward, I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me. Thank you for understanding."
And then DO NOT respond to any more messages from her.
posted by Ardea alba at 8:42 AM on December 12, 2016 [41 favorites]
However, if you wanted to be clear and kind (which, again, you are not *obligated* to do), you could send her one more message that states:
"Maintaining a friendship with you is not working out for me, and I am romantically involved with someone else. Going forward, I won't be contacting you, or responding if you try to contact me. Thank you for understanding."
And then DO NOT respond to any more messages from her.
posted by Ardea alba at 8:42 AM on December 12, 2016 [41 favorites]
You don't owe her an explanation, but it might make your life easier. (Also, it sounds like you didn't know her that long. wtf, A?)
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm in a new relationship and your message kinda weirded me out. It would be better for me if we made a clean break instead of trying to remain friends. Best of luck to you!"
posted by meemzi at 8:43 AM on December 12, 2016 [15 favorites]
"Yes, I'm fine. I'm in a new relationship and your message kinda weirded me out. It would be better for me if we made a clean break instead of trying to remain friends. Best of luck to you!"
posted by meemzi at 8:43 AM on December 12, 2016 [15 favorites]
You don't owe her an explanation as to why, but since you suddenly changed the terms of your interactions, it's not surprising that she's confused. It would be a kindness to make a clear and explicit end. "I've decided that it's not good for me to continue our interactions. I wish you all the best."
posted by spindrifter at 8:44 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by spindrifter at 8:44 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
You contacted her for her birthday and then blocked her?
I mean. Yeah it sounds like this is not a friendship that's going to work, but the way to deal with that would be to say, "this is not a friendship that's going to work." Whether you explain why is up to you, though given the circumstances a single attempt at explanation seems kind.
If she then tried to argue about it, then I would have blocked her. But what you've done now seems needlessly cruel--there is absolutely no reason to fuck with someone's head like this.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:46 AM on December 12, 2016 [17 favorites]
I mean. Yeah it sounds like this is not a friendship that's going to work, but the way to deal with that would be to say, "this is not a friendship that's going to work." Whether you explain why is up to you, though given the circumstances a single attempt at explanation seems kind.
If she then tried to argue about it, then I would have blocked her. But what you've done now seems needlessly cruel--there is absolutely no reason to fuck with someone's head like this.
posted by schadenfrau at 8:46 AM on December 12, 2016 [17 favorites]
Rereading, I guess I may be reading more into "it was a mess"/"she propositioned me" than I should be.
If this is a person who's crossed clear boundaries repeatedly in the past, and who unambiguously propositioned you knowing you're not available, then blocking is reasonable because communicating further may well just encourage her.
If it's someone who got innocently excited when you got back in touch (and maybe mistakenly assumed it meant you were available now?), then "Hey, this friendship thing isn't working, sorry" would be a reasonable thing to say.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:51 AM on December 12, 2016
If this is a person who's crossed clear boundaries repeatedly in the past, and who unambiguously propositioned you knowing you're not available, then blocking is reasonable because communicating further may well just encourage her.
If it's someone who got innocently excited when you got back in touch (and maybe mistakenly assumed it meant you were available now?), then "Hey, this friendship thing isn't working, sorry" would be a reasonable thing to say.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:51 AM on December 12, 2016
It seems appropriate to just tell her that you don't think being friends is going to work, and that it's better if you don't stay in touch.
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by bunderful at 8:52 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
I don't think you owe her an *explanation*, but I do think basic politeness would suggest you should at least give a heads up. It's a bit weird to suddenly cut off contact with zero notice, unless her behavior was super clear cut in-the-wrong. It does not need to be lengthy or invite conversation! Just something like -- "Hey, after our most recent interaction, I decided it's not really possible for us to remain friends and I need to focus my energy on my new relationship. Please respect this and don't try to contact me again. I wish you the best!" Then you're in the clear to 100% ignore/block everywhere.
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:58 AM on December 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by rainbowbrite at 8:58 AM on December 12, 2016 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks, everyone. I went with a version of Ardea alba's answer above.
I felt bad about leaving A wondering what happened. That said, I absolutely did not want to engage in a debate about what her last message may or may not have meant (there was a lot of plausible deniability there), and so I didn't mention the message specifically.
Thank you for all your help. It's much appreciated.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:09 AM on December 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
I felt bad about leaving A wondering what happened. That said, I absolutely did not want to engage in a debate about what her last message may or may not have meant (there was a lot of plausible deniability there), and so I didn't mention the message specifically.
Thank you for all your help. It's much appreciated.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:09 AM on December 12, 2016 [6 favorites]
Empathy exercise: imagine that a similar exchange had occurred with B, except with the roles of contacter and contactee reversed (ie. you in the role of A) How would you want B to treat you if you inadvertently (and unknowingly) overstepped your bounds based on somewhat confusing social signals?
posted by SinAesthetic at 9:11 AM on December 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
posted by SinAesthetic at 9:11 AM on December 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
I would personally opt to say something. Probably in an email. Something simple - "Being friends with you isn't working for me. I'm choosing not to communicate with you any more. Take care." I wouldn't respond to any further contact.
You don't owe her anything, but an closing statement of some sort is nice. Not owing her anything includes owing her any worry or guilt. You dated for 2 months, 6 months ago. Your friendship since then has been one-sided, and you feel it threatens a relationship you care about. I hereby absolve you of any obligation to this person.
That's my two cents.
posted by Cranialtorque at 9:13 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
You don't owe her anything, but an closing statement of some sort is nice. Not owing her anything includes owing her any worry or guilt. You dated for 2 months, 6 months ago. Your friendship since then has been one-sided, and you feel it threatens a relationship you care about. I hereby absolve you of any obligation to this person.
That's my two cents.
posted by Cranialtorque at 9:13 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Afterword: I sent out an email like I said above, and got a response in fairly short order about how disrespectful I am of her and her feelings, and not to worry, she won't ever be contacting me again.
So... yeah.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:25 AM on December 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
So... yeah.
posted by Capt. Renault at 9:25 AM on December 12, 2016 [4 favorites]
That sounds like a good outcome. You got your message across. It's a blow to her ego so don't expect her to react nicely!
And now enjoy your life not being jerked around by your ex!
posted by Omnomnom at 9:30 AM on December 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
And now enjoy your life not being jerked around by your ex!
posted by Omnomnom at 9:30 AM on December 12, 2016 [10 favorites]
Um, you contacted her on her birthday and when she responded, you blocked her without telling her why. You were disrespectful of her feelings. As for the "propositioning," if you say there was plausible deniability, then that means you could be wrong about her intentions. And if you were wrong about her intentions and blocked her because of it (without ever telling her why), that's super jerky behavior and she has every right to be pissed. Anyway, you've told her now and gotten the outcome you wanted, so I guess it doesn't matter any more.
posted by Weeping_angel at 10:08 AM on December 12, 2016 [12 favorites]
posted by Weeping_angel at 10:08 AM on December 12, 2016 [12 favorites]
Yeah, this is done, but even if you weren't wrong about her intentions, it could also have been a case of A operating under a different frame of expectations (e.g., A was open to dating multiple partners casually and assumed you might be open to doing the same). So maybe clarifying that would have made a difference.
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on December 12, 2016
posted by cotton dress sock at 10:19 AM on December 12, 2016
now that it's settled, please be strong at not responding to any future messages from her.
i have a non-contact ex (my choice) that would occasionally pop up on my radar and after like five or six years we were both married and i figured "hey, maybe we can really be friends now" so i responded to an email... it took like three emails before she brought up the exact argument that made me cut her from my life years ago.
posted by noloveforned at 10:25 AM on December 12, 2016
i have a non-contact ex (my choice) that would occasionally pop up on my radar and after like five or six years we were both married and i figured "hey, maybe we can really be friends now" so i responded to an email... it took like three emails before she brought up the exact argument that made me cut her from my life years ago.
posted by noloveforned at 10:25 AM on December 12, 2016
Response by poster: As for the "propositioning," if you say there was plausible deniability, then that means you could be wrong about her intentions.
Totally possible. When I messaged her on her birthday, it came up that I would be having dinner with friends the next day. She then messaged me the next day, being the day after her birthday, to invite me over to her place for dessert that night after my dinner with friends.
Now whether 'dessert' meant dessert, it's possible, but I sure didn't take it that way. Regardless, me going over to an ex's house for late night dessert isn't anything I wanted to have to explain away to B. Either scenario, I felt it was pretty disrespectful to me, to B, and to me and B's relationship to suggest anything like that -- thus, the blocking.
But yes, I could have been totally wrong, and that 'dessert' simply meant dessert. I wasn't going to find out, and I'm certainly not going to engage in a debate over whether it did.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:52 AM on December 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Totally possible. When I messaged her on her birthday, it came up that I would be having dinner with friends the next day. She then messaged me the next day, being the day after her birthday, to invite me over to her place for dessert that night after my dinner with friends.
Now whether 'dessert' meant dessert, it's possible, but I sure didn't take it that way. Regardless, me going over to an ex's house for late night dessert isn't anything I wanted to have to explain away to B. Either scenario, I felt it was pretty disrespectful to me, to B, and to me and B's relationship to suggest anything like that -- thus, the blocking.
But yes, I could have been totally wrong, and that 'dessert' simply meant dessert. I wasn't going to find out, and I'm certainly not going to engage in a debate over whether it did.
posted by Capt. Renault at 10:52 AM on December 12, 2016 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: (Sorry -- I got the timing of that later message wrong on my original post. I just checked it now.)
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:09 AM on December 12, 2016
posted by Capt. Renault at 11:09 AM on December 12, 2016
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you wanted to, you could choose to explain. Or you could choose to say "I'm fine, but I really don't want to talk about it." But it sounds like A isn't great with boundaries, so just not engaging at all might be easier, and that's totally a thing you have a right to do.
posted by nebulawindphone at 8:32 AM on December 12, 2016 [1 favorite]