Being friends with friends of my partner's ex?
September 8, 2008 7:55 PM Subscribe
Posted a question here
about my situation as it stood about 9 months ago and got some good feedback. My question now relates in some way to my previous question and how the situation has evolved.
posted by DuckGirl to Human Relations (12 answers total)
Quick recap: I was experiencing discomfort around my boyfriend and an ex of his who I suspected still had feelings for him (based mainly on the fact that she had told him just before we started dating that she was still in love with him). However, I had not actually had much direct interaction with her, until about a month after I posted this question, when my boyfriend and I ran into her while out for dinner and she approached our table and proceeded to spend over 5 minutes talking ONLY to my boyfriend while barely acknowledging my presence at all. This sort of escalated all of my previous irritation about the situation, because my boyfriend had been telling me for months how much she wanted to meet me, how much he was sure she'd like me, etc. When push came to shove, it really seemed as though all she was interested in was her friendship/connection with him, not me. So, my boyfriend had a talk with her through emails, and basically since then has had very limited contact with her.
About a month ago, we found out that some very good friends of hers (who he had spent a lot of time with while in that relationship) had moved into our neighborhood. He expressed an interest in hanging out with them, and I told him I would be okay with that as long as it didn't have to involve his ex at all and as long as they didn't perceive me as the jerk who doesn't like their friend. The female of the couple actually addressed this with my boyfriend directly, telling him she hoped we could all form a friendship together, regardless of the original connection (the ex).
So, we've hung out with them as a couple a few times. They are wonderful people, and a lot of fun. The female and I also have a lot in common and happen to also go to the same yoga studio, so we've started talking a bit outside of our "couple time," and that's nice as I don't always find female friendships to be the easiest to come by.
But.....I feel a little awkward about the connection to the ex. I feel like it's inevitable that we're going to run into her while with them and it's going to be uncomfortable for everyone. I feel strange sort of becoming friends with this woman who is friends with the ex. Odd as it might sound, I actually don't want to cause her pain, even though I also don't want to know anything about her. I feel like I should bring this up with the female I am becoming friends with, but am not really sure how.
Anyone have any nuggets? Is it ok for my boyfriend and I to spend time and develop a friendship with people he used to hang out with when dating his ex? Is it ok for me to have a friendship with a woman who is still friends with his ex? How do I initiate some kind of discussion about this with her (do I?)