How can I help my wife cope with us being too old to have kids?
March 25, 2016 1:17 PM Subscribe
My wife and I met late and are now in our mid-40s. Having gone through early menopause, it's too late for us to have kids. She's very distraught about this (my feelings are more mixed) and feels like she's failed at the one thing that gives life purpose. What can I do to help?
I try to be supportive, sympathetic, and understanding. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm willing to take a serious look at adoption (i.e., speak to a therapist about it together), but for a variety of reasons (among them that we still aren't in a great financial place for kids, and that she knows I'm not particularly excited about adoption - although, again, I would be willing to take an open look at why that is and willing to have my feelings change), she hasn't wanted to do that. I don't know how to help or what I should do besides saying, "I'm so sorry and I love you and I wish it could be different." Any suggestions or thoughts are appreciated.
I try to be supportive, sympathetic, and understanding. I've told her on more than one occasion that I'm willing to take a serious look at adoption (i.e., speak to a therapist about it together), but for a variety of reasons (among them that we still aren't in a great financial place for kids, and that she knows I'm not particularly excited about adoption - although, again, I would be willing to take an open look at why that is and willing to have my feelings change), she hasn't wanted to do that. I don't know how to help or what I should do besides saying, "I'm so sorry and I love you and I wish it could be different." Any suggestions or thoughts are appreciated.
Exactly what roomthreeseventeen said. Despite being devastated over this (and I know exactly what she's feeling), she has no right to be mad at you or take it out on you.
Also, just fwiw: some people feel that adoption is not for them, and that is a completely valid feeling to have. Using that as an attempt to solve the problem of no longer being able to have children can often make things worse (it does for me, anyway).
posted by Melismata at 1:24 PM on March 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Also, just fwiw: some people feel that adoption is not for them, and that is a completely valid feeling to have. Using that as an attempt to solve the problem of no longer being able to have children can often make things worse (it does for me, anyway).
posted by Melismata at 1:24 PM on March 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
An egg donor would mean she's not too old. I've had friends and family use egg donors. In Australia where I am they're not allowed to be paid but philanthropic donation is ok.
When we were considering this during our ivf miseries I was going to ask my best friend or a good friend who was childfree by choice.
posted by taff at 1:24 PM on March 25, 2016
When we were considering this during our ivf miseries I was going to ask my best friend or a good friend who was childfree by choice.
posted by taff at 1:24 PM on March 25, 2016
I agree that therapy could help her work through her feelings on this. Individual therapy, first and foremost, although maybe a couple sessions with a couple's therapist to talk over this together.
With that being said, maybe you guys (together or separately) could make an effort to embrace the child free lifestyle and all the opportunities that affords. Do you guys like to travel? I know you say you aren't in a great financial place, but maybe you could start discussing an exciting place you'd like to visit, and then start saving up for that. If you don't like to travel, maybe there's some hobby or interest that you guys could take the time to explore.
If she feels like she's missing out on that sense of having meaning or purpose, maybe some sort of volunteer work could fill that niche. Like, she could look into after school volunteering with at risk youth or something like that. It's social, allows her to bond with kids, and is very important work.
Also, how do you feel about pets? Obviously you shouldn't get a cat or a dog just to fill the void left by not having a child, but if you guys like the idea, it might be something to explore.
Hopefully your wife will be willing to work with a therapist to explore these issues and alternatives. And if it turns out that she feels like her life is empty without a child, as others have mentioned already, there are still options left to you guys.
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:28 PM on March 25, 2016 [12 favorites]
With that being said, maybe you guys (together or separately) could make an effort to embrace the child free lifestyle and all the opportunities that affords. Do you guys like to travel? I know you say you aren't in a great financial place, but maybe you could start discussing an exciting place you'd like to visit, and then start saving up for that. If you don't like to travel, maybe there's some hobby or interest that you guys could take the time to explore.
If she feels like she's missing out on that sense of having meaning or purpose, maybe some sort of volunteer work could fill that niche. Like, she could look into after school volunteering with at risk youth or something like that. It's social, allows her to bond with kids, and is very important work.
Also, how do you feel about pets? Obviously you shouldn't get a cat or a dog just to fill the void left by not having a child, but if you guys like the idea, it might be something to explore.
Hopefully your wife will be willing to work with a therapist to explore these issues and alternatives. And if it turns out that she feels like her life is empty without a child, as others have mentioned already, there are still options left to you guys.
posted by litera scripta manet at 1:28 PM on March 25, 2016 [12 favorites]
Therapy. She needs to unpack all those untrue things in your question and find out why she thinks they are true, in particular The ONE THING That Gives Life Purpose, and also Failed.
posted by WesterbergHigh at 1:30 PM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
posted by WesterbergHigh at 1:30 PM on March 25, 2016 [9 favorites]
Have you explored fostering? You would receive a stipend for doing so, which would help with the finances, and often there are adoption opportunities if you and the child find each other are the right ones for each other.
posted by Candleman at 1:44 PM on March 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
posted by Candleman at 1:44 PM on March 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
Therapy. She is grieving a huge loss (for her, not every woman dreams of children) and there's nothing you can say to make it better, unfortunately. It sounds like she's not interested in trying other routes to have kids so I think she will need help with a counsellor to process this. I'm very sorry for both of you to be going through this.
posted by Jubey at 1:49 PM on March 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Jubey at 1:49 PM on March 25, 2016 [10 favorites]
Maybe, it is easy for me to talk and think about it but maybe you should join foster family program. This aproach eliminate one of the main anti adoption reasons - finance. It's not an adoption but relation and feelings between you two and a kid will indubitably develop in a relation similar to parents - kid relation. I know, this is a surrogate but at some point of time you'll have someone in your life who respect and love you, maybe more than kids love their biological parents.
posted by korpe4r at 2:07 PM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by korpe4r at 2:07 PM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Does your wife dislike therapy, is that why she's not in it already? It's not for everyone.
I wonder whether it would help to suggest to her that your marriage is in itself a valuable thing that she has co-created, and continues to create, and that you two together are a family. And that being in a family with her elevates your life and gives it purpose.
If the priority is really to have and love a child, I understand that fostering can be a way to test those waters.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:09 PM on March 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
I wonder whether it would help to suggest to her that your marriage is in itself a valuable thing that she has co-created, and continues to create, and that you two together are a family. And that being in a family with her elevates your life and gives it purpose.
If the priority is really to have and love a child, I understand that fostering can be a way to test those waters.
posted by fingersandtoes at 2:09 PM on March 25, 2016 [5 favorites]
You are doing the right thing.
So many people are talking about this as a modern issue, but for many reasons, some couples don't have children and it's been like this throughout history. Having children is not a right, and it is also not a "natural destiny" for women. Those of my friends who don't have and won't have children are focusing on developing close relationships with the children in their family, and they are important and loved. As a teen, I was there for my great-aunt when she was old, because she had been there for me during (a rough) childhood. I see that pattern in my family and with friends of all ages.
About fostering. Fostering is really hard work. The reason you are compensated is that it can be a full-time job for at least one parent and it will affect your entire extended family. I do part-time fostering (relief care) and I don't regret it - I love my kids. But it is not really an alternative to having children of your own (including adoptive children), it's something entirely different. I wouldn't suggest it as a "solution" to your wife's grief right now. Indeed, there are no solutions for grief. It is something everyone must pass through during life.
posted by mumimor at 2:40 PM on March 25, 2016 [27 favorites]
So many people are talking about this as a modern issue, but for many reasons, some couples don't have children and it's been like this throughout history. Having children is not a right, and it is also not a "natural destiny" for women. Those of my friends who don't have and won't have children are focusing on developing close relationships with the children in their family, and they are important and loved. As a teen, I was there for my great-aunt when she was old, because she had been there for me during (a rough) childhood. I see that pattern in my family and with friends of all ages.
About fostering. Fostering is really hard work. The reason you are compensated is that it can be a full-time job for at least one parent and it will affect your entire extended family. I do part-time fostering (relief care) and I don't regret it - I love my kids. But it is not really an alternative to having children of your own (including adoptive children), it's something entirely different. I wouldn't suggest it as a "solution" to your wife's grief right now. Indeed, there are no solutions for grief. It is something everyone must pass through during life.
posted by mumimor at 2:40 PM on March 25, 2016 [27 favorites]
I think you need to be supportive. In my experience, having children *can* seem like a biological imperative for women. It's a force of nature that no amount of talk or reasoning (on your part) is going to be able to change.
So your wife is going through an intense time already with menopause (it's basically like going through puberty all over again), and is dealing with this deeply emotional issue. And a sense of grief. It's like the grieving process.
So ask her what she wants, and see if you can help achieve that goal. Maybe you can, maybe you can't (you mentioned finances).
But it's important to listen to your wife, understand that there's a bit of biological determinism at play (a million-year-old freight train) and all you can do is provide support... if you can. But let your wife make the decisions.
posted by My Dad at 3:38 PM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
So your wife is going through an intense time already with menopause (it's basically like going through puberty all over again), and is dealing with this deeply emotional issue. And a sense of grief. It's like the grieving process.
So ask her what she wants, and see if you can help achieve that goal. Maybe you can, maybe you can't (you mentioned finances).
But it's important to listen to your wife, understand that there's a bit of biological determinism at play (a million-year-old freight train) and all you can do is provide support... if you can. But let your wife make the decisions.
posted by My Dad at 3:38 PM on March 25, 2016 [3 favorites]
Listen, deeply, without going into an I-can-fix-it-with-you mode and see if there is some resolution in sitting together with the sadness and frustration. Be together with that. Listen for where she is. She may be grieving a dream, dealing with crappy family stuff (competitive siblings?) doing cool work that she wants to easily share with a next generation, just plain dealing with her somatic changes, which is wonky going after a few decades of This Is Your Cycle, there is so much to this.
Her full answer to How Will I Adjust will come in time. Be her rock by listening for it and being present.
posted by childofTethys at 4:27 PM on March 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Her full answer to How Will I Adjust will come in time. Be her rock by listening for it and being present.
posted by childofTethys at 4:27 PM on March 25, 2016 [7 favorites]
Menopause can be a wild rollercoaster ride emotionally. For some women there can be a real grief process to work through; a part of your life is ending, it's the death of your fertility. A part of you has ceased to exist, and some of the opportunities you thought you had for the future have been closed off. There can be regrets and self-blame - "oh god I was selfish and didn't have kids in time and it's all my fault!!" It's a rich and complicated stew of feelings, spiced with the knowledge that the next major item on your to-do list is to drop dead.
Remember what puberty was like? you went in at one end of a tunnel and a few years later you came out a different person. Menopause is a process like that - you're starting through another tunnel, but you know at the other end there's no rainbows and puppies and plump bouncy babies, there's just gonna be the Grim Reaper looking at his watch and tapping his skeletal foot. Or at least that's what it can feel like at the beginning of the process - what actually waits at the other end is strength and freedom and optomism and a big heap of I Don't Give a Fuck. And perhaps some chin hairs.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 7:50 AM on March 26, 2016 [8 favorites]
Remember what puberty was like? you went in at one end of a tunnel and a few years later you came out a different person. Menopause is a process like that - you're starting through another tunnel, but you know at the other end there's no rainbows and puppies and plump bouncy babies, there's just gonna be the Grim Reaper looking at his watch and tapping his skeletal foot. Or at least that's what it can feel like at the beginning of the process - what actually waits at the other end is strength and freedom and optomism and a big heap of I Don't Give a Fuck. And perhaps some chin hairs.
posted by Mary Ellen Carter at 7:50 AM on March 26, 2016 [8 favorites]
Have you discussed the option of getting an egg donor for her, using your sperm to fertilize, so you two could still have a baby together? It would be expensive, and require a lot of hormone treatments for her, and there are no guarantees, but it is still possible for her to carry a child... just not from her own eggs.
My friend is 36 and going to freeze her eggs this year, so we looked into what the "window" was for her to have a kid with the frozen eggs... apparently the oldest mom in the world was almost 70 when she gave birth.
posted by lizbunny at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2016
My friend is 36 and going to freeze her eggs this year, so we looked into what the "window" was for her to have a kid with the frozen eggs... apparently the oldest mom in the world was almost 70 when she gave birth.
posted by lizbunny at 11:23 AM on March 26, 2016
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posted by roomthreeseventeen at 1:20 PM on March 25, 2016 [27 favorites]