Crush On Someone Rather Confusing
January 19, 2016 3:08 PM Subscribe
Met a girl, hit it off, then things seemed to fall apart. Trying to figure out if I can still pursue this. Details inside.
Hello there. Apologies in advance for the wall of text. I (30 F) am trying to figure out this one particular lady I met (30 F, we'll call her Jane), or figure out a way to break the ice. I recently met her through some friends while I was in their town visiting for the weekend. She seems very confident and outgoing and boisterous in personality with pretty much everyone, but after meeting her and having a great conversation with her right off the bat (I thought we really hit it off!), she clammed up over the subsequent days. She seems to like hanging out with me (so far it's only been in groups since I met her through our mutual friends) and hasn't once passed up an opportunity to hang out when I've been in town (I've been there on two occasions since meeting her). But ever since that first night she will hardly talk to me directly in person. However, I can see her glancing at me a lot out of the corner of my eye, and I've kinda caught her looking now and then. One night we were making a LOT of eye contact but barely talking to each other. It was bizarre. I basically had to make all the attempts at conversation with her the past couple times we hung out. And being a not so suave and confident person myself, when I sense that I'm not getting enough positive feedback from someone I will go back into my shell and find it hard to be open and flirty. It also doesn't help that I had an insta-crush on her, which makes it even harder for me as I suddenly became rather nervous/shy around her.
I'm wondering if the problem might have come when one of Jane's good friends (we'll call her X) started to flirt with me quite a bit right off the bat (I met them both at the same time). Sadly, although I considered it, I'm just not attracted to X and so I never flirted back. However it seemed pretty obvious to me that X was into me. So I don't know if this made Jane take a step back (so she wouldn't get between her friend and me). It certainly made it frustrating for me because I was struggling to deal with someone else flirting with me while I really wanted to flirt with Jane. Hell, maybe Jane thought I was into X. I have no idea. There was a group text with both of them and a few other friends at one point, and one of my other friends wrote "X <3 argylesockpet" (<3 being a heart emoticon). And I was just thinking, crap this is not good. And I was hoping that didn't discourage Jane but maybe it did.
Before thinking about complications with X's involvement, and based on the fact that she wasn't very talkative with me in person, I thought she wasn't interested and I was ready to give up, but then there was that one night with excessive eye contact. And then after my second visit, to my surprise Jane initiated texting me in a playful/sarcastic manner about something we had talked about. I guess I kind of thought there was MAYBE a chance if someone who apparently won't talk to you very much in person is thinking about you enough to send you a text. It's worth mentioning I had initiated texting with her a couple times before, just trying to kinda let her know I was thinking about her and gauge interest. I even saw a movie she had been talking about just so I could text her about it (so hopefully she could see I'm paying attention). Although she was a little delayed in some responses and we didn't text a whole lot, we had a decent amount of back and forth and she was interested enough to keep the conversation going even when I gave space to let the convo peacefully end if she wasn't interested or interested in texting (I think she was at work).
I guess my question is basically whether or not I have a chance despite her odd behavior in person, and what I could do to move things along. I feel like this is an uphill battle although I know I've done similar things when I'm into someone - I just get super nervous and have such a hard time flirting and conveying interest and probably act DISinterested. I hope I didn't mess this up :/
She's in my circle of friends so I'm hesitant to be super forward and ask her out, especially with the way she's been acting around me in person. There's also the fact that she lives an hour away - not ideal but considering that my dating pool is small and I have a hard time finding people I'm really into, I don't want to dismiss her based on the distance. I have a lot of free time due to my job and so I'm not opposed to making the trek. However that hour makes it hard to just casually invite her out for a drink or coffee one on one. I could, but I'd have to make a specific trip there (fine by me, but it seems to make it so much more pressurized).
I feel kind of stupid asking this question. I've had some really bad luck though and unfortunately without some positive reinforcement rejection seems to get harder not easier. Rejection feels like putting my soul into a woodchipper at this point. Also, that bad luck is making me pressurize each situation in my own head. I can't seem to just r e l a x if I find myself attracted to someone. Everything suddenly becomes do or die in my head. I wish I could practice abundance mentality but my dating pool is small and the people I find attractive even smaller (I unfortunately can't help who I have physical attraction to). I don't think this reads as desperate on my end however; it probably reads as me being really hard to read/confusing and acting more friendly than interested due to fear. Or, maybe this road block in our communication means it's just not meant to be.
Hello there. Apologies in advance for the wall of text. I (30 F) am trying to figure out this one particular lady I met (30 F, we'll call her Jane), or figure out a way to break the ice. I recently met her through some friends while I was in their town visiting for the weekend. She seems very confident and outgoing and boisterous in personality with pretty much everyone, but after meeting her and having a great conversation with her right off the bat (I thought we really hit it off!), she clammed up over the subsequent days. She seems to like hanging out with me (so far it's only been in groups since I met her through our mutual friends) and hasn't once passed up an opportunity to hang out when I've been in town (I've been there on two occasions since meeting her). But ever since that first night she will hardly talk to me directly in person. However, I can see her glancing at me a lot out of the corner of my eye, and I've kinda caught her looking now and then. One night we were making a LOT of eye contact but barely talking to each other. It was bizarre. I basically had to make all the attempts at conversation with her the past couple times we hung out. And being a not so suave and confident person myself, when I sense that I'm not getting enough positive feedback from someone I will go back into my shell and find it hard to be open and flirty. It also doesn't help that I had an insta-crush on her, which makes it even harder for me as I suddenly became rather nervous/shy around her.
I'm wondering if the problem might have come when one of Jane's good friends (we'll call her X) started to flirt with me quite a bit right off the bat (I met them both at the same time). Sadly, although I considered it, I'm just not attracted to X and so I never flirted back. However it seemed pretty obvious to me that X was into me. So I don't know if this made Jane take a step back (so she wouldn't get between her friend and me). It certainly made it frustrating for me because I was struggling to deal with someone else flirting with me while I really wanted to flirt with Jane. Hell, maybe Jane thought I was into X. I have no idea. There was a group text with both of them and a few other friends at one point, and one of my other friends wrote "X <3 argylesockpet" (<3 being a heart emoticon). And I was just thinking, crap this is not good. And I was hoping that didn't discourage Jane but maybe it did.
Before thinking about complications with X's involvement, and based on the fact that she wasn't very talkative with me in person, I thought she wasn't interested and I was ready to give up, but then there was that one night with excessive eye contact. And then after my second visit, to my surprise Jane initiated texting me in a playful/sarcastic manner about something we had talked about. I guess I kind of thought there was MAYBE a chance if someone who apparently won't talk to you very much in person is thinking about you enough to send you a text. It's worth mentioning I had initiated texting with her a couple times before, just trying to kinda let her know I was thinking about her and gauge interest. I even saw a movie she had been talking about just so I could text her about it (so hopefully she could see I'm paying attention). Although she was a little delayed in some responses and we didn't text a whole lot, we had a decent amount of back and forth and she was interested enough to keep the conversation going even when I gave space to let the convo peacefully end if she wasn't interested or interested in texting (I think she was at work).
I guess my question is basically whether or not I have a chance despite her odd behavior in person, and what I could do to move things along. I feel like this is an uphill battle although I know I've done similar things when I'm into someone - I just get super nervous and have such a hard time flirting and conveying interest and probably act DISinterested. I hope I didn't mess this up :/
She's in my circle of friends so I'm hesitant to be super forward and ask her out, especially with the way she's been acting around me in person. There's also the fact that she lives an hour away - not ideal but considering that my dating pool is small and I have a hard time finding people I'm really into, I don't want to dismiss her based on the distance. I have a lot of free time due to my job and so I'm not opposed to making the trek. However that hour makes it hard to just casually invite her out for a drink or coffee one on one. I could, but I'd have to make a specific trip there (fine by me, but it seems to make it so much more pressurized).
I feel kind of stupid asking this question. I've had some really bad luck though and unfortunately without some positive reinforcement rejection seems to get harder not easier. Rejection feels like putting my soul into a woodchipper at this point. Also, that bad luck is making me pressurize each situation in my own head. I can't seem to just r e l a x if I find myself attracted to someone. Everything suddenly becomes do or die in my head. I wish I could practice abundance mentality but my dating pool is small and the people I find attractive even smaller (I unfortunately can't help who I have physical attraction to). I don't think this reads as desperate on my end however; it probably reads as me being really hard to read/confusing and acting more friendly than interested due to fear. Or, maybe this road block in our communication means it's just not meant to be.
Best answer: I am honestly not seeing how SHE is so confusing. She's basically running Shy Person Flirting 101 with the eye contact and the occasional texting. Which PS is exactly the game YOU are running. So either you're being just as confusing as she is or neither of you is doing anything crazy, you're just both shy.
One of y'all is going to have to Do A Thing* if you want anything to happen, though, and she's made it decently clear that it won't be her (because of her awkward friend), so it will have to be you. If you're not ready to put yourself out there, that's fine, but in that case it's probably best to try and let this one go and put your energies into self-care and whatever work you need to do to de-pressurize yourself.
*(The Thing is "ask her out".)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:19 PM on January 19, 2016 [12 favorites]
One of y'all is going to have to Do A Thing* if you want anything to happen, though, and she's made it decently clear that it won't be her (because of her awkward friend), so it will have to be you. If you're not ready to put yourself out there, that's fine, but in that case it's probably best to try and let this one go and put your energies into self-care and whatever work you need to do to de-pressurize yourself.
*(The Thing is "ask her out".)
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:19 PM on January 19, 2016 [12 favorites]
Best answer: None of us can tell you whether you have a chance or not.
I'd say that there's no harm in showing/telling her how you feel in a low-key kind of way, and take things from there. By that I mean, "hey! it was good to see you the other day - (then eventually) what are you doing next weekend? i'm going to be in town and would love to get a coffee" or something. If she doesn't really respond positively to that then you have your answer and you weren't exactly rejected for a marriage proposal.
You shouldn't necessarily be worrying about 'rejection' at this stage, really, and if you frame it that way in your head and how you interact with her, there shouldn't be any problems. Just keep it low key and easy as you feel things out.
posted by destructive cactus at 3:20 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
I'd say that there's no harm in showing/telling her how you feel in a low-key kind of way, and take things from there. By that I mean, "hey! it was good to see you the other day - (then eventually) what are you doing next weekend? i'm going to be in town and would love to get a coffee" or something. If she doesn't really respond positively to that then you have your answer and you weren't exactly rejected for a marriage proposal.
You shouldn't necessarily be worrying about 'rejection' at this stage, really, and if you frame it that way in your head and how you interact with her, there shouldn't be any problems. Just keep it low key and easy as you feel things out.
posted by destructive cactus at 3:20 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
Call her and say, "I really like you and I'd like to date you, would you be receptive to that?"
Honesty is really the best and easiest way into this situation. You can work yourself into a froth about it, but really, who better to get the definitive answer from than Jane herself?
She might say, "No, I'm not that into you." And your feelings will be hurt, and that's sad. But you'll get over it, and move on. She might say, "I like you too. Do you like Thai food?" Then you'll go eat some Thai food and get to know each other.
If you don't ask, and you keep wringing your hands, you'll build the whole thing up WAY bigger than it ever should be, then it will take over your life.
So be direct and ask. Saves you a whole lot of grief.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:20 PM on January 19, 2016 [12 favorites]
Honesty is really the best and easiest way into this situation. You can work yourself into a froth about it, but really, who better to get the definitive answer from than Jane herself?
She might say, "No, I'm not that into you." And your feelings will be hurt, and that's sad. But you'll get over it, and move on. She might say, "I like you too. Do you like Thai food?" Then you'll go eat some Thai food and get to know each other.
If you don't ask, and you keep wringing your hands, you'll build the whole thing up WAY bigger than it ever should be, then it will take over your life.
So be direct and ask. Saves you a whole lot of grief.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 3:20 PM on January 19, 2016 [12 favorites]
You're only talking about two interactions since your first meeting, so everything you wrote could mean anything. Since you had a text channel open about a film, why don't you just ask her out to a film via text? "hey was thinking about what you said regarding bla bla bla film and I heard that this other new film also bla bla bla. any interest in going to see it with me?" If the answer is no, drop it. Doesn't need to be harder than that.
posted by frumiousb at 3:22 PM on January 19, 2016
posted by frumiousb at 3:22 PM on January 19, 2016
My first thought is to have a mutual friend ask her if she's interested. Then you just know, you know?
Also, when you are planning to visit to see your friend, could you arrive early and then see if she wants to meet up one on one before whatever you have planned with the bigger group? (Or if you spend the night, ask her to brunch the next morning.)
And there's no need to apologize for any of what you've said. You sound like a perfectly normal single person who is trying to meet someone nice. :-)
posted by dawkins_7 at 3:23 PM on January 19, 2016
Also, when you are planning to visit to see your friend, could you arrive early and then see if she wants to meet up one on one before whatever you have planned with the bigger group? (Or if you spend the night, ask her to brunch the next morning.)
And there's no need to apologize for any of what you've said. You sound like a perfectly normal single person who is trying to meet someone nice. :-)
posted by dawkins_7 at 3:23 PM on January 19, 2016
Best answer: She's in my circle of friends so I'm hesitant to be super forward and ask her out, especially with the way she's been acting around me in person.
So... if you won't ask her out, how do you expect this to play out? This is a serious question. Do you think she will ask you out? Do you think you'll just fall into each other? Someone will tell you she likes you? It's not "super forward" to ask someone on a date. That's showing regular interest.
I hope I don't come across as harsh, but this whole "she looked at me, other person used a heart emoticon, there were glances" sounds like a bad plot in an unrealistic teen romcom. Relationships only work with good communication (any type of relationship, not just romantic ones.)
So, ask her out. Clearly. "Hey, I've been enjoying our time together. Would you like to go on a date with me to do X on Y day?" Then you'll have your answer if she likes you.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
So... if you won't ask her out, how do you expect this to play out? This is a serious question. Do you think she will ask you out? Do you think you'll just fall into each other? Someone will tell you she likes you? It's not "super forward" to ask someone on a date. That's showing regular interest.
I hope I don't come across as harsh, but this whole "she looked at me, other person used a heart emoticon, there were glances" sounds like a bad plot in an unrealistic teen romcom. Relationships only work with good communication (any type of relationship, not just romantic ones.)
So, ask her out. Clearly. "Hey, I've been enjoying our time together. Would you like to go on a date with me to do X on Y day?" Then you'll have your answer if she likes you.
posted by Crystalinne at 3:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [6 favorites]
Best answer: pick yourself up, dust yourself off, carry your soul over to the woodchipper, and take the chance.
posted by andrewcooke at 3:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by andrewcooke at 3:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
Do you know for a fact that she is also into women? It's entirely possible she doesn't (and/or is taken), realized she stepped over a line and engendered interest that she doesn't want to return.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:27 PM on January 19, 2016
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 3:27 PM on January 19, 2016
"and what I could do to move things along"
Use your words to ask her to drinks or a movie. There is no other answer.
posted by MsMolly at 3:28 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Use your words to ask her to drinks or a movie. There is no other answer.
posted by MsMolly at 3:28 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: also, this:
Rejection feels like putting my soul into a woodchipper at this point.
Is a feeling I have experienced, and so you do have my empathy on it. I know all about that thing where you're like, wait, shouldn't I be a pro at this by now? Whyfor not?
But then you have this:
I've had some really bad luck though and unfortunately without some positive reinforcement rejection seems to get harder not easier.
Notice how you have made yourself an impossible trap. You can't face rejection without positive reinforcement but you can't get positive reinforcement without risking rejection. Time to break that thought loop--it's a crazy-making one.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:29 PM on January 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
Rejection feels like putting my soul into a woodchipper at this point.
Is a feeling I have experienced, and so you do have my empathy on it. I know all about that thing where you're like, wait, shouldn't I be a pro at this by now? Whyfor not?
But then you have this:
I've had some really bad luck though and unfortunately without some positive reinforcement rejection seems to get harder not easier.
Notice how you have made yourself an impossible trap. You can't face rejection without positive reinforcement but you can't get positive reinforcement without risking rejection. Time to break that thought loop--it's a crazy-making one.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 3:29 PM on January 19, 2016 [5 favorites]
Best answer: Yeah:
"I was 13 years old, trying to teach my 6 year old sister how to dive into a swimming pool from the side of the pool. It was taking quite a while as my sister was really nervous about it. We were at a big, public pool, and nearby there was a woman, about 75 years old, slowly swimming laps. Occasionally she would stop and watch us. Finally she swam over to us just when I was really putting the pressure on, trying to get my sister to try the dive, and my sister was shouting, "but I'm afraid!! I'm so afraid!!" The old woman looked at my sister, raised her fist defiantly in the air and said, "So be afraid! And then do it anyway!"
posted by boghead at 3:40 PM on January 19, 2016 [25 favorites]
"I was 13 years old, trying to teach my 6 year old sister how to dive into a swimming pool from the side of the pool. It was taking quite a while as my sister was really nervous about it. We were at a big, public pool, and nearby there was a woman, about 75 years old, slowly swimming laps. Occasionally she would stop and watch us. Finally she swam over to us just when I was really putting the pressure on, trying to get my sister to try the dive, and my sister was shouting, "but I'm afraid!! I'm so afraid!!" The old woman looked at my sister, raised her fist defiantly in the air and said, "So be afraid! And then do it anyway!"
posted by boghead at 3:40 PM on January 19, 2016 [25 favorites]
I would flip fffm's question: does she know YOU are into women? She's behaving how I have behaved in the past when I have a crush on a straight girl.
posted by capricorn at 3:45 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
posted by capricorn at 3:45 PM on January 19, 2016 [3 favorites]
Best answer: This is classic ask-a-mutual-friend-to-gauge-interest territory.
posted by kevinbelt at 3:55 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
posted by kevinbelt at 3:55 PM on January 19, 2016 [1 favorite]
"Hey, no worries if you're not into it, but do you wanna go on a date next Saturday?"
Have a date idea all ready to go if she says yes. Have another conversational topic ready in case she says no.
It doesn't have to be as high-stakes as you're building it up to be. The more you worry and wait and wonder, the more time you give yourself to build up a fantasy around what dating the person would be like, and the worse it hurts if they do reject you.
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 4:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
Have a date idea all ready to go if she says yes. Have another conversational topic ready in case she says no.
It doesn't have to be as high-stakes as you're building it up to be. The more you worry and wait and wonder, the more time you give yourself to build up a fantasy around what dating the person would be like, and the worse it hurts if they do reject you.
posted by Illuminated Clocks at 4:25 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]
This doesn't have to be difficult or confusing. I'm gonna be blunt. You're 30-years-old. That's too old to be playing the does-she-like-me-game and over-analyzing texts, eye contact, etc etc. I KNOW it's hard and anxiety-producing. Just ask her out. Be direct and open and communicate with her directly. It is SO much easier to communicate exactly how you feel and exactly what you want.
posted by Amy93 at 6:11 PM on January 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
posted by Amy93 at 6:11 PM on January 19, 2016 [10 favorites]
What Amy93 said.
posted by Gray Skies at 12:19 PM on January 20, 2016
posted by Gray Skies at 12:19 PM on January 20, 2016
Response by poster: Yes she is gay and knows that I am gay as well.
Ah yes, I know I am 30 but unfortunately I've had quite a late start. It's not as easy for us gay folks who don't come out until we are about 26/27. I've grown a lot, but unfortunately it hasn't been easy. I'm a brilliant communicator but when it comes to getting over the hump of this attraction dance it's very hard.
Thanks for the blunt advice everyone. I know if I want to pursue this I have to make an effort and do something about it.
posted by argylesockpet at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
Ah yes, I know I am 30 but unfortunately I've had quite a late start. It's not as easy for us gay folks who don't come out until we are about 26/27. I've grown a lot, but unfortunately it hasn't been easy. I'm a brilliant communicator but when it comes to getting over the hump of this attraction dance it's very hard.
Thanks for the blunt advice everyone. I know if I want to pursue this I have to make an effort and do something about it.
posted by argylesockpet at 12:25 PM on January 20, 2016 [2 favorites]
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Maybe she's just not that into you. Maybe she knows how X feels and doesn't want to be the kind of asshole friend who hooks up with someone that her friend is crushing on.
Either way, it doesn't seem like she's really giving you much encouragement, so I'd leave the ball in her court. And with the distance and the awkward friend thing, it seems unlikely that she'll pick it up.
I'm sorry.
posted by sparklemotion at 3:16 PM on January 19, 2016 [2 favorites]