How weird would it be to wear a wedding ring when I'm unmarried?
November 4, 2015 7:42 PM Subscribe
I'm a single straight man in my mid 30s. I'm seriously considering buying and wearing a (cheap) wedding band for reasons I'll list out below, but I know it will seem weird when I have to explain to someone that I'm not actually married. I can't gauge how weird, though, so please help.
So, I think I make unattached women anxious sometimes. Not in a creepy way (I hope). I think it's just that I'm a fit, handsome man who dresses well etc - the traditional eligible bachelor. It should be kind of flattering, if that's really what it is, but if that's really what it is, I'm so over it. I keep my romantic life separate from everything else, and always have as an adult. I've (almost) never dated close friends or classmates or co-workers or even people from the same neighborhood as me. The era of internet dating makes this easy (ish).
What I want is to be able to deal with women the way I can deal with men. I don't want something I say to be misconstrued as flirting (whether or not it would be received well); I don't want to feel reflexive anxiety because the person next to me in the grocery aisle checked me out; I don't want to be an unwilling participant in a coy eye contact game with that woman who works at my company who I don't know but who I pass in the hall once or twice a week. In these situations, I want to be just another human. Nonthreatening, noninteresting.
Presenting myself as married would help, right? I assume women tend to check for a ring - as a single man, I know that I do (on women) almost unconsciously. This sounds like a good experiment, at least. But what happens when someone who knows me and knows I'm not married asks me about the ring? I'm not going to tell them that I secretly believe I'm too attractive to the opposite sex - so what do I tell them? And what happens when someone who doesn't know me asks me something about my wife, just in conversation? How do I not seem very strange when explaining that I'm actually unmarried? Especially if the person I'm explaining this to is a single woman! (And especially if I can't lie because I'll need to interact with this person again.) There are so many ways this could go wrong.
So, I think I make unattached women anxious sometimes. Not in a creepy way (I hope). I think it's just that I'm a fit, handsome man who dresses well etc - the traditional eligible bachelor. It should be kind of flattering, if that's really what it is, but if that's really what it is, I'm so over it. I keep my romantic life separate from everything else, and always have as an adult. I've (almost) never dated close friends or classmates or co-workers or even people from the same neighborhood as me. The era of internet dating makes this easy (ish).
What I want is to be able to deal with women the way I can deal with men. I don't want something I say to be misconstrued as flirting (whether or not it would be received well); I don't want to feel reflexive anxiety because the person next to me in the grocery aisle checked me out; I don't want to be an unwilling participant in a coy eye contact game with that woman who works at my company who I don't know but who I pass in the hall once or twice a week. In these situations, I want to be just another human. Nonthreatening, noninteresting.
Presenting myself as married would help, right? I assume women tend to check for a ring - as a single man, I know that I do (on women) almost unconsciously. This sounds like a good experiment, at least. But what happens when someone who knows me and knows I'm not married asks me about the ring? I'm not going to tell them that I secretly believe I'm too attractive to the opposite sex - so what do I tell them? And what happens when someone who doesn't know me asks me something about my wife, just in conversation? How do I not seem very strange when explaining that I'm actually unmarried? Especially if the person I'm explaining this to is a single woman! (And especially if I can't lie because I'll need to interact with this person again.) There are so many ways this could go wrong.
I think the ring is going to add an additional layer of self-consciousness, which it sounds like you don't really need.
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:50 PM on November 4, 2015 [53 favorites]
posted by chesty_a_arthur at 7:50 PM on November 4, 2015 [53 favorites]
If wearing a ring would make you feel better, go ahead and wear one. What, this old thing? Oh, I'm not married. I wear it because I like it/it's a family heirloom/etc. Easy as that to explain. I'm not sure it's going to work the way you want, though- you seem to hope it will deflect unwanted attention while also realizing it's going to attract some different unwanted attention.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 7:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
I'm single. The reason communication with married men is less fraught is because they are married not because they are wearing a ring. Usually when I meet a married man their wife kids etc comes up pretty fast. Much faster than with women. Like I don't see a ring and then relax or something, I see a ring and think "this person is married" and usually 20 seconds later we're talking about their wife and kid. Even if I would have been interested i care not because no married guys for me. Sometimes it even makes very mild flirting feel a little safe, not sure if that's something you're looking for. Like if I say they look nice in that shirt I don't think they'll follow me around and ask for my number.
Also people are going to check you out in a grocery store if you're attractive, ring or not. Married men have straight up hit on me.
I have a gold band I wear on my right hand that my father gave me that I sometimes switch to my left if I'm worried about harassment, but it doesn't help anything.
Don't do this for the sake of the single women, do this because you like the way a ring looks on your hand or whatever.
posted by sweetkid at 7:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [33 favorites]
Also people are going to check you out in a grocery store if you're attractive, ring or not. Married men have straight up hit on me.
I have a gold band I wear on my right hand that my father gave me that I sometimes switch to my left if I'm worried about harassment, but it doesn't help anything.
Don't do this for the sake of the single women, do this because you like the way a ring looks on your hand or whatever.
posted by sweetkid at 7:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [33 favorites]
I used to wear my class ring on my left-ring finger (as it was the only finger that fit) and strangers would sometimes assume I was married, even though it looks nothing like a wedding ring.
Maybe it's different for men, but wearing an engagement/wedding ring did not really decrease the amount of negative attention I received from the opposite sex.
posted by muddgirl at 7:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Maybe it's different for men, but wearing an engagement/wedding ring did not really decrease the amount of negative attention I received from the opposite sex.
posted by muddgirl at 7:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
I think you would eventually be found out, and thought of as egotistical and peculiar.
If you really believe you are "too attractive to the opposite sex" and do not care for what that brings, why not tone down the personal stylings you feel are making you "too attractive"?
posted by kmennie at 7:53 PM on November 4, 2015 [23 favorites]
If you really believe you are "too attractive to the opposite sex" and do not care for what that brings, why not tone down the personal stylings you feel are making you "too attractive"?
posted by kmennie at 7:53 PM on November 4, 2015 [23 favorites]
Oh, forgot to include that it didn't strike me as very awkward to explain, "Oh, I'm not married! This is my class ring!" but YMMV.
posted by muddgirl at 7:54 PM on November 4, 2015
posted by muddgirl at 7:54 PM on November 4, 2015
Best answer: Presenting myself as married would help, right?
No, not necessarily. You might even find yourself flirted with more since people may think you're less likely to interpret it as leading anywhere. Some people just like flirting. When people find out you're not married, they may even assume you're wearing it to provoke just that effect, like George in Seinfeld. Generally, if you're ever consider doing anything George has done, it's worth re-thinking at the least.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:01 PM on November 4, 2015 [94 favorites]
No, not necessarily. You might even find yourself flirted with more since people may think you're less likely to interpret it as leading anywhere. Some people just like flirting. When people find out you're not married, they may even assume you're wearing it to provoke just that effect, like George in Seinfeld. Generally, if you're ever consider doing anything George has done, it's worth re-thinking at the least.
posted by Jon Mitchell at 8:01 PM on November 4, 2015 [94 favorites]
If a woman you were dating happened to see you wearing said ring, or a photo of you wearing it, or even notices a tan-line from it - you're going to have a hell of a time convincing them that you're not living a double life.
posted by kickingtheground at 8:02 PM on November 4, 2015 [51 favorites]
posted by kickingtheground at 8:02 PM on November 4, 2015 [51 favorites]
To be honest, it sounds like you are imagining this anxiety- or experiencing it yourself and sort of putting it on them? I'm curious what behavior you find troublesome?
Are you so super good looking that people stare? I've known people to have that problem, and they just ignore it try to be clearly platonic (treat women like men) and consider themselves lucky. I don't think the ring is key, so many married guys flirt, and it;ll just cause confusion. You can do what women do when they want to ward off too much male attention- mention your SO often. Sucks to have to do it.
posted by TenaciousB at 8:08 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Are you so super good looking that people stare? I've known people to have that problem, and they just ignore it try to be clearly platonic (treat women like men) and consider themselves lucky. I don't think the ring is key, so many married guys flirt, and it;ll just cause confusion. You can do what women do when they want to ward off too much male attention- mention your SO often. Sucks to have to do it.
posted by TenaciousB at 8:08 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
coy eye contact game with that woman who works at my company who I don't know but who I pass in the hall once or twice a week
Is that necessarily a sexualized exchange? Maybe it's just awkward, because weekly run-ins in the hall with a stranger are just always going to be a little awkward? She's probably just smiling to get through it. Are the other exchanges necessarily sexualized? We're trained to be pleasant and positive in general, I'm wondering whether you might be misreading things.
But let's say you're not. Look women in the eye, like you do with men. Not too intently, blink now and then. Don't ask or directly answer personal questions. Keep interactions brief and on-topic, no flirting, joking, limited smiling. Keep a physical distance from women who get into your personal space - actually step back, and keep your body movements still.
Otherwise, the reality is that you're an entity in the world, and other people are going to have various responses to you that you can't control (beyond how you engage with them). I'm not saying it's easy to manage your responses to interactions you dislike, but some of it is just going to happen.
The ring won't make a difference to the people you'd probably have to worry about, 2nd that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:09 PM on November 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
Is that necessarily a sexualized exchange? Maybe it's just awkward, because weekly run-ins in the hall with a stranger are just always going to be a little awkward? She's probably just smiling to get through it. Are the other exchanges necessarily sexualized? We're trained to be pleasant and positive in general, I'm wondering whether you might be misreading things.
But let's say you're not. Look women in the eye, like you do with men. Not too intently, blink now and then. Don't ask or directly answer personal questions. Keep interactions brief and on-topic, no flirting, joking, limited smiling. Keep a physical distance from women who get into your personal space - actually step back, and keep your body movements still.
Otherwise, the reality is that you're an entity in the world, and other people are going to have various responses to you that you can't control (beyond how you engage with them). I'm not saying it's easy to manage your responses to interactions you dislike, but some of it is just going to happen.
The ring won't make a difference to the people you'd probably have to worry about, 2nd that.
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:09 PM on November 4, 2015 [18 favorites]
Yeah, no.
This reads to me as you looking for even more validation. Look, I'm so attractive that women are still flirting with me even though I'm wearing a ring to try to get them to stop.
This has everything to do with the energy you put out. "[A]s a single man, I know that I do [check for a ring.]" Whether you are aware of it or not, you are checking women out. It is therefore unsurprising that some might respond.
I think if you actually started thinking and acting like someone who is in fact happily unavailable (see above comments re: actually married) this wouldn't happen nearly as often.
posted by susiswimmer at 8:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [30 favorites]
This reads to me as you looking for even more validation. Look, I'm so attractive that women are still flirting with me even though I'm wearing a ring to try to get them to stop.
This has everything to do with the energy you put out. "[A]s a single man, I know that I do [check for a ring.]" Whether you are aware of it or not, you are checking women out. It is therefore unsurprising that some might respond.
I think if you actually started thinking and acting like someone who is in fact happily unavailable (see above comments re: actually married) this wouldn't happen nearly as often.
posted by susiswimmer at 8:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [30 favorites]
I don't think it would hurt to give it a try (buy a cheap ring, wear it to the grocery store / gym / whatever), but I doubt it'll make much of a difference. I personally am unlikely to notice a ring unless it's very flashy. I actually have no idea which of my coworkers wear a ring - I know some (but not all!) marital statuses, just not whether they wear rings. I (a woman) didn't notice any difference when I started wearing an engagement (& then wedding) ring, though I'm not sure if it's different for men.
posted by insectosaurus at 8:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by insectosaurus at 8:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you seem to (or think you) come across as flirting when you aren't meaning to, then wearing a ring while accidentally coming across as flirting and never mentioning a wife or partner will come across as more creepy than if you were perceived as single.
I mean, how does this play out if you actually want to ask someone out and they see your ring? They may (understandably) say no and be creeped out before you get a chance to explain. Many women can spot a wedding ring from across a room.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:11 PM on November 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
I mean, how does this play out if you actually want to ask someone out and they see your ring? They may (understandably) say no and be creeped out before you get a chance to explain. Many women can spot a wedding ring from across a room.
posted by Crystalinne at 8:11 PM on November 4, 2015 [7 favorites]
Wearing a fake wedding ring, and then needing to explain that it isn't a real wedding ring and you're actually single, would make you seem even more flirtatious.
posted by John Cohen at 8:13 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 8:13 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
As a woman, I definitely don't assume that any unmarried man is flirting with me, and I unfortunately can't assume that a married man isn't. I've been pretty blatantly hit on by guys wearing wedding rings before. I don't think that a ring is going to solve your problem.
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:16 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
posted by ArbitraryAndCapricious at 8:16 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
Here's the thing: you think you are doing this because it will stop women from having charged interactions with you. But the ring won't change you, and it is you that is the source of this awkwardness and anxiety.
posted by deanc at 8:19 PM on November 4, 2015 [36 favorites]
posted by deanc at 8:19 PM on November 4, 2015 [36 favorites]
It sounds like you're having an issue that tons of women have to deal with constantly. They can't just wear a wedding ring to deal with it, either. Think about it - if you were a woman and you were always worried about interactions with men seeming unjustly flirtatious, and annoyed by people checking you out, the response of most of us would be "welcome to the patriarchy, my friend. It sucks here, have some coping mechanisms." Well that's my response to you, too.
I think a false wedding ring would just be difficult to explain and not effective for your purposes. More easy to gloss over would be an imaginary long-term girlfriend (or boyfriend!) whose pictures you have on your phone (got any female friends who you can have nice outdoorsy casual photos with, maybe?) and who you mention by name but never specify your exact relationship to. I don't assume a man wearing a wedding ring isn't hitting on me - I assume he's way more of a skeez than if he weren't wearing that ring, but he's still hitting on me. So the only thing you can do is to be clear with your body language (no touching!) and think about working on your anxiety from being checked out in whatever way works for you, maybe therapy, maybe just getting more comfortable being ogled, maybe dressing differently for different situations. Welcome to the patriarchy. Sucks, doesn't it?
posted by Mizu at 8:23 PM on November 4, 2015 [30 favorites]
I think a false wedding ring would just be difficult to explain and not effective for your purposes. More easy to gloss over would be an imaginary long-term girlfriend (or boyfriend!) whose pictures you have on your phone (got any female friends who you can have nice outdoorsy casual photos with, maybe?) and who you mention by name but never specify your exact relationship to. I don't assume a man wearing a wedding ring isn't hitting on me - I assume he's way more of a skeez than if he weren't wearing that ring, but he's still hitting on me. So the only thing you can do is to be clear with your body language (no touching!) and think about working on your anxiety from being checked out in whatever way works for you, maybe therapy, maybe just getting more comfortable being ogled, maybe dressing differently for different situations. Welcome to the patriarchy. Sucks, doesn't it?
posted by Mizu at 8:23 PM on November 4, 2015 [30 favorites]
I can see where you're coming from but it's likely that any perceived awkwardness is due to one of the following:
1) the awkwardness that is life that we all deal with
OR
2) the vibes you're sending out that are making these women feel (even more) awkward around you
OR
3) it's not a very safe-feeling workplace (and then this is an issue for HR, a counselor or a lawyer)
If I had a single male colleague who wore a wedding ring, I might think he was really weird or, most likely, very closeted and with a same-sex partner (understandable although the times are a-changing, fortunately.) I've had a lot of male colleagues and rarely find the encounters awkward, even when I was single and they were, too. (And the awkwardness could be worked through, so it was OK!) I've had awkwardness with male colleagues as a female but it's rarely had anything to do with their marital status: awkward will still be awkward, creepy will still be creepy, etc.
I don't mean to discredit your concerns because your gut is telling you something here. It's just that I really can't tell from this side of my computer. Is it you? Is it them? Is it a weird workplace? Could you ask a trusted colleague to give you some honest feedback? I really think that would be the best bet because the ring idea, while intriguing, probably would not have the effect you desire.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:28 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
1) the awkwardness that is life that we all deal with
OR
2) the vibes you're sending out that are making these women feel (even more) awkward around you
OR
3) it's not a very safe-feeling workplace (and then this is an issue for HR, a counselor or a lawyer)
If I had a single male colleague who wore a wedding ring, I might think he was really weird or, most likely, very closeted and with a same-sex partner (understandable although the times are a-changing, fortunately.) I've had a lot of male colleagues and rarely find the encounters awkward, even when I was single and they were, too. (And the awkwardness could be worked through, so it was OK!) I've had awkwardness with male colleagues as a female but it's rarely had anything to do with their marital status: awkward will still be awkward, creepy will still be creepy, etc.
I don't mean to discredit your concerns because your gut is telling you something here. It's just that I really can't tell from this side of my computer. Is it you? Is it them? Is it a weird workplace? Could you ask a trusted colleague to give you some honest feedback? I really think that would be the best bet because the ring idea, while intriguing, probably would not have the effect you desire.
posted by smorgasbord at 8:28 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Okay, no ring. In retrospect it was a shitty idea. (Allusion to Seinfeld particularly apropos.) Thanks for the responses. And yes, as some of you guessed, I am the biggest creep, and also an anxiety-ridden mess.
posted by crd at 8:35 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by crd at 8:35 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Aw, no… this is obviously a distressing experience. Probably good to forget about the ring, but please get some assistance with your anxiety so this is less painful for you.
(I doubt you're a creep! I mean if you are, even a little, there's a little creep [and a little anxiety factory] and a little bit of everything in all of us.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:43 PM on November 4, 2015 [20 favorites]
(I doubt you're a creep! I mean if you are, even a little, there's a little creep [and a little anxiety factory] and a little bit of everything in all of us.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 8:43 PM on November 4, 2015 [20 favorites]
With people who make me nervous, it sometimes helps to assertively take control of our interactions. If they coyly look at me, I say, in a brisk professional manner, "Hey, how's it going?" and make completely boring and totally professional small talk about the weather or whatever until the encounter is over.
Another option is to let people get to know you. I (a woman) am sometimes awkward at work around handsome single men. However, once I get to know a little bit about them and see them as whole persons with flaws and complexity, the awkwardness often fades.
Good luck. Anxiety really freaking sucks. (Therapy!)
posted by bunderful at 8:43 PM on November 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
Another option is to let people get to know you. I (a woman) am sometimes awkward at work around handsome single men. However, once I get to know a little bit about them and see them as whole persons with flaws and complexity, the awkwardness often fades.
Good luck. Anxiety really freaking sucks. (Therapy!)
posted by bunderful at 8:43 PM on November 4, 2015 [9 favorites]
Thanks for soldiering out and asking this question I was definitely considering this same thing.
posted by Rubbstone at 8:44 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by Rubbstone at 8:44 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
If you want to treat women the same way you treat men, do that. I don't see the point of a fake wedding ring.
Especially since there's basically no way to be close with anyone when you're lying to them about something as huge as your marital status. If you do this, you resign yourself to no new friendships, because it'll be awkward as hell to explain that you pretend to be married at work/school/the neighborhood for abstract reasons that make you sound arrogant when you try to explain them.
For that matter, what if you meet a woman you'd like to date in one of these contexts? At best, she'll think you're an arrogant prick. At worst, she will refuse to believe you're not married.
posted by Sara C. at 8:44 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Especially since there's basically no way to be close with anyone when you're lying to them about something as huge as your marital status. If you do this, you resign yourself to no new friendships, because it'll be awkward as hell to explain that you pretend to be married at work/school/the neighborhood for abstract reasons that make you sound arrogant when you try to explain them.
For that matter, what if you meet a woman you'd like to date in one of these contexts? At best, she'll think you're an arrogant prick. At worst, she will refuse to believe you're not married.
posted by Sara C. at 8:44 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
It's not all that shitty of an idea, if actual married men didn't regularly hit on women, and if people acted in predictable ways. But unfortunately for you, these things are out of your control.
I doubt you're actually all that creepy. I mean, it sure sounds like you specifically choose to act in as un-creepy a way as you can. But it also sounds like your anxiety is interfering with your life in ways that are beyond what you can cope with on your own, thus resorting to manipulation and white lies as crutches. That's just a signal it's time to bring in some professionals, either a counselor or therapist for you, or a talk with HR if it's more of a workplace problem, or a combination, plus maybe even bringing down some of those barriers you have keeping everything in their own boxes - maybe that's just not working for you on some level anymore and that's what's causing your internal conflict. Time for some reflection, not on your creepiness or how you're a mess, but on the things you have control over and how you can make choices to change things.
posted by Mizu at 8:48 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
I doubt you're actually all that creepy. I mean, it sure sounds like you specifically choose to act in as un-creepy a way as you can. But it also sounds like your anxiety is interfering with your life in ways that are beyond what you can cope with on your own, thus resorting to manipulation and white lies as crutches. That's just a signal it's time to bring in some professionals, either a counselor or therapist for you, or a talk with HR if it's more of a workplace problem, or a combination, plus maybe even bringing down some of those barriers you have keeping everything in their own boxes - maybe that's just not working for you on some level anymore and that's what's causing your internal conflict. Time for some reflection, not on your creepiness or how you're a mess, but on the things you have control over and how you can make choices to change things.
posted by Mizu at 8:48 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: Oh crap! That last comment was meant to be biting sarcasm. Thank you sincerely for the compassion, it is misdirected, I am clearly an asshole. :( And now I will never speak again.
posted by crd at 8:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
posted by crd at 8:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
I know it's hard, but maybe just be more comfortable with mild flirting and checking out? It depends on the context, but I don't find mild flirting too big of a deal. I mean I think for myself, someone shyly checking me out in a grocery store is one thing, propositioning me is gross. Friendly flirting in a work environment is fine, but touching/overt sexual comments is not. I think just work on figuring out what you're comfortable with. It just takes some time.
posted by sweetkid at 8:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by sweetkid at 8:51 PM on November 4, 2015 [2 favorites]
Thank you sincerely for the compassion, it is misdirected, I am clearly an asshole.
What's happening here? What is the real question?
posted by sweetkid at 8:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [17 favorites]
What's happening here? What is the real question?
posted by sweetkid at 8:52 PM on November 4, 2015 [17 favorites]
Oh, honey, I feel for you.
Just...live with the awkwardness. Expect it. Handle it. Gloss over it, conquer it, be braver than other people.
posted by amtho at 8:55 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Just...live with the awkwardness. Expect it. Handle it. Gloss over it, conquer it, be braver than other people.
posted by amtho at 8:55 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]
Oh, lol :) Ok, no worries.
OP, if I may, I will interpret your response as meaning that your problem is, in fact, that you're too sexy. In that case, not sure what to say that hasn't already been said (about keeping your distance. And maybe roughing up your day look, though I can see being annoyed by the idea of doing that, if you're into clothes. [I'm just teasing a bit :) it's a real problem for some people, I know.])
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:01 PM on November 4, 2015
OP, if I may, I will interpret your response as meaning that your problem is, in fact, that you're too sexy. In that case, not sure what to say that hasn't already been said (about keeping your distance. And maybe roughing up your day look, though I can see being annoyed by the idea of doing that, if you're into clothes. [I'm just teasing a bit :) it's a real problem for some people, I know.])
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:01 PM on November 4, 2015
Honest question: in "real life," do you come across as anxious/self-effacing/over-thinking (like in this question and your responses)? Because that would cause WAY more weird interactions than the sexual tension you feel like your receiving.
That being said: I wear my dad's old wedding band on my right middle finger (I'm a woman), and I get LOTS of questions about it. I can't imagine how often it would happen if I wore in on my left ring finger, and it makes me feel self-conscious enough as it is. Ring is DEFINITELY not a good idea.
posted by superlibby at 9:01 PM on November 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
That being said: I wear my dad's old wedding band on my right middle finger (I'm a woman), and I get LOTS of questions about it. I can't imagine how often it would happen if I wore in on my left ring finger, and it makes me feel self-conscious enough as it is. Ring is DEFINITELY not a good idea.
posted by superlibby at 9:01 PM on November 4, 2015 [4 favorites]
(But is it possible that even though you yourself might not feel anxious in the way people have suggested, you're sometimes misreading women's messages? Lord knows it wouldn't be the first time those kinds of wires got crossed. ps I like clothes, no judgement there.)
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:15 PM on November 4, 2015
posted by cotton dress sock at 9:15 PM on November 4, 2015
I am the biggest creep, and also an anxiety-ridden mess.
Or maybe get a kick out of giving people mixed signals? Seems like the theme here.
posted by TenaciousB at 9:15 PM on November 4, 2015 [24 favorites]
Or maybe get a kick out of giving people mixed signals? Seems like the theme here.
posted by TenaciousB at 9:15 PM on November 4, 2015 [24 favorites]
Sarcasm can be great with friends but often comes across as mean, insecure or confusing with strangers. If you feel hurt, please tell us so and why. If you feel we're completely off, please update us. And if you feel it's completely bogus, just stop reading what people are saying and do your own thing. Most people responding to you are writing because they can relate in one way or another and want to help. Right now it sounds like you're an angry teen retreating to his room rather than address the frustrations head on like the mature adult professional I'm sure you are.
I don't think anyone was accusing you of a being a creep or weirdo, myself included; people were merely trying to interpret what your behavior might seem like to an outsider and what it's feeling uncomfortable for you. We're giving you advice on how to come across externally how you feel internally. It's OK to be frustrated or angry but it's really all about how we express it, and right now it just sounds jerky.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:33 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
I don't think anyone was accusing you of a being a creep or weirdo, myself included; people were merely trying to interpret what your behavior might seem like to an outsider and what it's feeling uncomfortable for you. We're giving you advice on how to come across externally how you feel internally. It's OK to be frustrated or angry but it's really all about how we express it, and right now it just sounds jerky.
posted by smorgasbord at 9:33 PM on November 4, 2015 [8 favorites]
A pointlessly complicated idea.
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by jeff-o-matic at 10:10 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]
Yeah not sure about this.
I once wore a wedding ring when I was in my early 20s working as a gallerina in an art gallery in a high end hotel because I got hit on so often by old creepy guys who were looking to just get a young thing up to their expensive hotel rooms. The creepiness only cut down by half after starting to wear the ring. I only wore the fake ring when I was in the art gallery.
As a single woman in my early 30s I would be extremely weirded out if I met you and found out the reasons in your question are the reason you are wearing a fake ring.
posted by raw sugar at 10:59 PM on November 4, 2015
I once wore a wedding ring when I was in my early 20s working as a gallerina in an art gallery in a high end hotel because I got hit on so often by old creepy guys who were looking to just get a young thing up to their expensive hotel rooms. The creepiness only cut down by half after starting to wear the ring. I only wore the fake ring when I was in the art gallery.
As a single woman in my early 30s I would be extremely weirded out if I met you and found out the reasons in your question are the reason you are wearing a fake ring.
posted by raw sugar at 10:59 PM on November 4, 2015
Best answer: I misread that comment, but I can see a few reasons for someone having a not fully thought-out response to the idea that "this problem you have isn't a problem", with this problem in particular.
I think it's probably a difficult subject to broach, because a) no one's supposed to openly complain about negative fallout from being good-looking, and b) especially not men, because it's a reversal*, good-looking men are expected to be all Don Draperish and enjoy or pursue flirtation, when OP wants to go to the shop without feeling oddness (not a bullying kind of harrassment; more or less subtle oddness) happening around him.
Which women can relate to in ways, but, I think being an attractive man who actively dislikes sexualized attention, or sexualized anxiety from others, must be a unique and lonely thing. Or it's not a problem that a lot of other men might be willing to admit they have.
(While women can freely commiserate with other women, because it's possible to talk about an obvious systematic "opponent" and not come across as humblebragging. In this case, the uncomfortable-making behaviour isn't aggressive, it's awkward and anxious. I think it'd be pretty weird to walk around with a good chunk of the population responding to you anxiously much of the time. Especially if you go against type, and aren't someone who wants to use that kind of power over people, or to be the cause of that kind of effect. [Just thinking this through, sorry, it's an interesting situation.] So the coping tactics that women typically use might not work here, because the harasser is maybe vulnerable, in ways, too.)
I think there were many good suggestions above, though. On a reread I especially like
- amtho's advice to expect it, be patient and let people relax a bit (by being relaxed yourself, is probably a good way to do it), then
- assertively redirecting conversations to neutral zones (per bunderful) and
- sweetkid's suggestion of recalibrating your tolerance for flirting, if it comes to it. It's possible to enjoy banter and joking around without worrying it'll go anywhere awful. Friendly vibes, just be friendly while keeping your distance.
*it's also potentially a reversal in that the accusation of being "too pretty", with its misogynistic and homophobic undertones, must a minor bother for straight men in some circles.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:00 PM on November 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
I think it's probably a difficult subject to broach, because a) no one's supposed to openly complain about negative fallout from being good-looking, and b) especially not men, because it's a reversal*, good-looking men are expected to be all Don Draperish and enjoy or pursue flirtation, when OP wants to go to the shop without feeling oddness (not a bullying kind of harrassment; more or less subtle oddness) happening around him.
Which women can relate to in ways, but, I think being an attractive man who actively dislikes sexualized attention, or sexualized anxiety from others, must be a unique and lonely thing. Or it's not a problem that a lot of other men might be willing to admit they have.
(While women can freely commiserate with other women, because it's possible to talk about an obvious systematic "opponent" and not come across as humblebragging. In this case, the uncomfortable-making behaviour isn't aggressive, it's awkward and anxious. I think it'd be pretty weird to walk around with a good chunk of the population responding to you anxiously much of the time. Especially if you go against type, and aren't someone who wants to use that kind of power over people, or to be the cause of that kind of effect. [Just thinking this through, sorry, it's an interesting situation.] So the coping tactics that women typically use might not work here, because the harasser is maybe vulnerable, in ways, too.)
I think there were many good suggestions above, though. On a reread I especially like
- amtho's advice to expect it, be patient and let people relax a bit (by being relaxed yourself, is probably a good way to do it), then
- assertively redirecting conversations to neutral zones (per bunderful) and
- sweetkid's suggestion of recalibrating your tolerance for flirting, if it comes to it. It's possible to enjoy banter and joking around without worrying it'll go anywhere awful. Friendly vibes, just be friendly while keeping your distance.
*it's also potentially a reversal in that the accusation of being "too pretty", with its misogynistic and homophobic undertones, must a minor bother for straight men in some circles.
posted by cotton dress sock at 11:00 PM on November 4, 2015 [11 favorites]
I knew a girl who wore a ring on her left ring finger because she found it stopped some creepy guys from paying attention to her. When she gave me that explanation, it seemed perfectly reasonable, almost genius. But there is a much higher concentration of creeps among men than women: with the genders reversed, you just seem like a guy who is full of himself. It's no longer about protecting oneself from weirdos but rather about avoiding all these pesky women who find you attractive.
I say just suck it up and learn how to use facial expressions and body language to project a "strictly business" kind of attitude in these situations.
Also, something you might not have considered: What if your soulmate (or one of your soulmates, :-) works with you? Why preclude yourself from developing a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman just because you didn't meet her on the website where you look for women?
But if you must wear the ring, just say it means something to you and that that is the only finger it fits on. There is certainly precedent for wearing rings where they fit—married men sometimes end up having to wear their wedding ring on the pinky—and your left-hand fingers aren't exactly the same size as your right-hand ones.
posted by thorough at 11:23 PM on November 4, 2015
I say just suck it up and learn how to use facial expressions and body language to project a "strictly business" kind of attitude in these situations.
Also, something you might not have considered: What if your soulmate (or one of your soulmates, :-) works with you? Why preclude yourself from developing a meaningful romantic relationship with a woman just because you didn't meet her on the website where you look for women?
But if you must wear the ring, just say it means something to you and that that is the only finger it fits on. There is certainly precedent for wearing rings where they fit—married men sometimes end up having to wear their wedding ring on the pinky—and your left-hand fingers aren't exactly the same size as your right-hand ones.
posted by thorough at 11:23 PM on November 4, 2015
Adding to the other stories here, because enough anecdote becomes data, right?
I have usually worn a 'wedding' ring on the conventional finger, for most of my life, since the age of 16, for reasons that are very personal but unrelated to matrimony. I've had it off for months at a time, mainly because I took it off while working or cleaning and forgot to put it back on for ages... and I've lost it for months on other occasions, but I've worn one most days, basically, for more than 20 years.
People definitely notice it, especially women, and I can say with (personal, small sample size) experience that they are definitely more open, more friendly and yes, definitely more flirtatious and forward when I have it on. I don't want to conjecture or accuse or rationalize about the reasons here. It's just very consistent, to the point of predictable, across North America, Central America, Europe and the Middle East. Everywhere I have lived, basically. No noticeable difference in Japan, but of course the whole dating and mating world is in a different universe there, anyway.
Now, I have never ever pretended to actually be married, since it's not a wedding ring to me. I have always given various but straightforward versions of single or 'complicated' or most often 'it's not a wedding ring' when asked. But the ring is noticed, usually first, and always by those who will shortly show a personal motive.
Basically, as others have noted, if you are hoping to get less attention from single women, you're very definitely taking the wrong approach. Try gaining 50lbs and not showering for a week. That always works.
Also, the experiences of single women who wear wedding rings are very different, from stories I have heard in airport lounges. (Hi, Annika.)
So, yeah. That.
posted by rokusan at 2:32 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
I have usually worn a 'wedding' ring on the conventional finger, for most of my life, since the age of 16, for reasons that are very personal but unrelated to matrimony. I've had it off for months at a time, mainly because I took it off while working or cleaning and forgot to put it back on for ages... and I've lost it for months on other occasions, but I've worn one most days, basically, for more than 20 years.
People definitely notice it, especially women, and I can say with (personal, small sample size) experience that they are definitely more open, more friendly and yes, definitely more flirtatious and forward when I have it on. I don't want to conjecture or accuse or rationalize about the reasons here. It's just very consistent, to the point of predictable, across North America, Central America, Europe and the Middle East. Everywhere I have lived, basically. No noticeable difference in Japan, but of course the whole dating and mating world is in a different universe there, anyway.
Now, I have never ever pretended to actually be married, since it's not a wedding ring to me. I have always given various but straightforward versions of single or 'complicated' or most often 'it's not a wedding ring' when asked. But the ring is noticed, usually first, and always by those who will shortly show a personal motive.
Basically, as others have noted, if you are hoping to get less attention from single women, you're very definitely taking the wrong approach. Try gaining 50lbs and not showering for a week. That always works.
Also, the experiences of single women who wear wedding rings are very different, from stories I have heard in airport lounges. (Hi, Annika.)
So, yeah. That.
posted by rokusan at 2:32 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
A little bit of awkwardness in a hallway or perceived sexual tension around the copier is something you can ignore. Even if it's real, you don't have any way to know for absolute certain that's what's up, so tell yourself you're wrong -- it'll make it easier to forget.
When it is someone you are actually interacting with and you do not want to get personal, don't get personal and assert work related conversational topics. If you want to have a nice sort of casual conversation like the ones you'd have with a guy, force yourself to do it.
There will be awkward moments but aren't there always awkward moments? It's not like a fake wedding ring would spare you awkward moments, it would just provide you with a different species of awkward moments. Weirder ones.
I don't blame you for feeling kind of stressed out about it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:35 AM on November 5, 2015
When it is someone you are actually interacting with and you do not want to get personal, don't get personal and assert work related conversational topics. If you want to have a nice sort of casual conversation like the ones you'd have with a guy, force yourself to do it.
There will be awkward moments but aren't there always awkward moments? It's not like a fake wedding ring would spare you awkward moments, it would just provide you with a different species of awkward moments. Weirder ones.
I don't blame you for feeling kind of stressed out about it.
posted by A Terrible Llama at 2:35 AM on November 5, 2015
I can understand where you are coming from, in that it sounds like you want your interactions to be "safe" - predictable, somewhat professional, and definitely not ambiguous.
In honesty (I'm a 34 year old man, not married, but effectively married), I think a ring could help you with *some* people, in *some* situations - but it would never, ever be the panacea you are searching for.
Firstly, the vast majority of women I know are far more concerned that a man is trying to come on to them, than vice versa - and they are right to think so. Straight men, research has found, are a lot more likely than straight women to fool themselves into thinking someone is romantically interested in them when they aren’t." (note, I think the evo psych reasoning behind the paper is likely nonsense, but the flirt facts are solid).
I think it's highly likely, I'm afraid to say, that you are interpreting serious sexual interest where there is absolutely none. Statistically speaking, you definitely are (don't feel bad, we men all are, statistically speaking).
Secondly I think you are making a bit of a category error in interpreting any level of interest (sexual or otherwise) as serious sexual interest. There is a huge gulf between finding someone appealing to be around - heck, appealing to see how they fill their jeans out - and actually being seriously interested in any kind of sexual relationship.
My advice to you is to stop thinking about what other people are thinking: You're probably wrong, and they are almost definitely not thinking about you.
If they are thinking about you, what of it? You, forgive me, don't sound like a very good judge of the strength of those thoughts - so assume they are trivial and fleeting (they probably are).
Despite your denial, I think there may be some social anxiety behind this question - you don't like this ambiguity, you think it makes things awkward for you and others; you feel people are responding to a false or untrue image of yourself, and it sounds like it makes you feel disrespected.
I would advise you to consider reframing these incidents as minor and transitory, certain to be erased as your relationship with a person actually forms and they realise there is no romantic or sexual tension there. If the relationship never develops to the point where that becomes clear - who cares? If that's the case, this person is obviously a bit player in your life, and you in theirs; someone forgotten in a moment.
Best of luck with it all.
posted by smoke at 3:16 AM on November 5, 2015 [21 favorites]
In honesty (I'm a 34 year old man, not married, but effectively married), I think a ring could help you with *some* people, in *some* situations - but it would never, ever be the panacea you are searching for.
Firstly, the vast majority of women I know are far more concerned that a man is trying to come on to them, than vice versa - and they are right to think so. Straight men, research has found, are a lot more likely than straight women to fool themselves into thinking someone is romantically interested in them when they aren’t." (note, I think the evo psych reasoning behind the paper is likely nonsense, but the flirt facts are solid).
I think it's highly likely, I'm afraid to say, that you are interpreting serious sexual interest where there is absolutely none. Statistically speaking, you definitely are (don't feel bad, we men all are, statistically speaking).
Secondly I think you are making a bit of a category error in interpreting any level of interest (sexual or otherwise) as serious sexual interest. There is a huge gulf between finding someone appealing to be around - heck, appealing to see how they fill their jeans out - and actually being seriously interested in any kind of sexual relationship.
My advice to you is to stop thinking about what other people are thinking: You're probably wrong, and they are almost definitely not thinking about you.
If they are thinking about you, what of it? You, forgive me, don't sound like a very good judge of the strength of those thoughts - so assume they are trivial and fleeting (they probably are).
Despite your denial, I think there may be some social anxiety behind this question - you don't like this ambiguity, you think it makes things awkward for you and others; you feel people are responding to a false or untrue image of yourself, and it sounds like it makes you feel disrespected.
I would advise you to consider reframing these incidents as minor and transitory, certain to be erased as your relationship with a person actually forms and they realise there is no romantic or sexual tension there. If the relationship never develops to the point where that becomes clear - who cares? If that's the case, this person is obviously a bit player in your life, and you in theirs; someone forgotten in a moment.
Best of luck with it all.
posted by smoke at 3:16 AM on November 5, 2015 [21 favorites]
What I want is to be able to deal with women the way I can deal with men.
Then (as I assume you do with men) don't take emotional responsibility for what they are thinking. You can't control it. Just redirect anything awkward back to the work at hand. Someone else's inability to control themselves is their problem (if it even exists), not yours.
posted by Miko at 6:08 AM on November 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
Then (as I assume you do with men) don't take emotional responsibility for what they are thinking. You can't control it. Just redirect anything awkward back to the work at hand. Someone else's inability to control themselves is their problem (if it even exists), not yours.
posted by Miko at 6:08 AM on November 5, 2015 [9 favorites]
If you want to wear a wedding ring, get married. Lying is awkward.
posted by oceanjesse at 10:03 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by oceanjesse at 10:03 AM on November 5, 2015 [2 favorites]
This thread is closed to new comments.
You could wear a non-wedding ring on your wedding finger, and create a backstory.
That is to say: if any friends/acquaintances ask you, you can say:
"Oh, it's not a wedding band, but there's a long story behind it. Yes, I know it's reeally confusing, but what can I do? It means a lot to me."
That way, anybody you don't know will have the 'misunderstanding' that you're going for. Anybody you do know will say: "Oh, that's crd; no, he's not married, but wears a ring on his fourth finger as a keepsake."
posted by suedehead at 7:47 PM on November 4, 2015 [1 favorite]