Goal: No more terrorizing myself.
August 11, 2013 1:59 PM Subscribe
Advice me, Metafilter, on how to get over this totally irrational fear I have of being single forever.
posted by anonymous to human relations (23 answers total) 20 users marked this as a favorite
Back in February, I had a really sucky breakup. My ex was one of my most favorite person to spend time with in the history of people I have spent time with. He was also an um-empathetic, esteem-undermining jerk, and combining our personal neuroses was like baking soda and vinegar. Since the breakup, I've been doing a lot of work on me: therapy, meditation, yoga, understanding how my own fears can lead me to undertake less-than-optimal behavior. But there is one fear I cannot shake: I am going to wind up alone, forever.
On the face of it, this makes no sense. My shrink says, "I think the bigger problem will be picking the right person for you, not lack of options." My friends think I am nuts. Over the last 15 years, I have been single for maybe 3 of them, about a year at a time. Most of my exes are decent dudes, who maybe did assy things when we were breaking up, but that is not unexpected. I have decent relationship skills, I can see where I messed up in other places, I'm cute, I'm smart, you know, no red flags to freak anyone out. And yet.
The standard advice is to just be happy being single, and I am — sorta. I have friends. I take classes. I'm kinda a big deal at work and I work hard at it. I can look at who I am today and be like, "Holy crap, I am so much more awesome than I ever thought I was going to be." And I genuinely enjoy these things.
But I miss having someone to come home to. I miss having someone to share good things with. I miss feeling like I am building a life and an intimacy with someone. And that's not something there is a replacement for. Frankly, my family kinda sucks in the whole understanding & support department, so there isn't much of a halfway sense of belonging to a team to substitute in either. Plus, honestly, I don't want a substitute and I think that is okay. There are things about being part of a team that are awesome, and I miss them, and I want them again someday.
It certainly seems like I should be able to have them. I've gone on a few dates, though no one was really right for me. I met someone who was possibly-right and there was chemistry but also bad timing. But you know, false starts aren't radio silence.
And if a magic elephant could show up today and promise me that on this date in 2015, I would meet the guy of my dreams and we would ride off into the sunset together, that would be *fine*. If I met the right person *today*, I think I would actually be sad that this time of self-exploration ended. So it should all be okay right?
But, no, there is this deep fear of "that was the last stop; you sure are fucked" that I just can't shake. So far, I've just kept on going on, ignoring the tiny river of terror inside, but it is getting really tiresome. Halp?