How Do I Persuade the SO to Do Couple's Therapy?

November 4, 2015 7:06 PM

I could have written this question. I think we could benefit so much. But, how do I get SO on board?

Our problems are not unsurmountable nor are they truly awful. But, I know things could be better. The thing is, SO has never done therapy, probably has no interest in doing therapy and will probably be against the idea. Anyone have experience in turning the boat around to head to the port?

posted by tafetta, darling! to Human Relations (5 answers total)

On the off chance that your partner has a stigma about therapy, here's how I explain it to people I talk to who have no experience with therapy/think it's for weird neurotic people with Capital P Problems:

A therapist is like an impartial friend who is really good at listening, but because you're paying them and it's a professional relationship rather than a social one, that means that nothing you say in therapy ever gets back to other people, you don't have to worry about being a burden, you don't have to be self-conscious about presenting as whiny or entitled or whatever, and they will listen to ANYTHING you want to talk about, no questions asked or judgments passed.

I haven't done couple's therapy specifically, but therapy was nothing like what I would have guessed based on movies and TV and hearing people in the wider culture talk about it.
posted by Sara C. at 7:29 PM on November 4, 2015 [3 favorites]

I was trying to recall exactly how I got my husband into therapy. Because he was exactly like you describe.

As I recall, I went on my own to individual therapy, and this was a specific question I asked my therapist.

I don't recall if it was something specific she suggested or my own frustration, or his watching me improve and get less interested in engaging in old dramas, but we eventually ended up in couples therapy. (It was probably a combo of all the above, but me getting help on my own and being honest about it was key.)

The couples therapy really helped, very quickly. One thing we did that helped address his anxiety: we each had an individual therapist we worked with, and then the four of us met for couples counseling sessions. A little pricey, but extremely effective.
Good luck!
posted by susiswimmer at 7:59 PM on November 4, 2015

I don't think it's your job to persuade them (thanks Emotional Labor thread!). What you can do is tell them that you understand if they're hesitant but because this means a lot to you, you need them to respect that and attend.
posted by kinetic at 2:53 AM on November 5, 2015 [1 favorite]

Go on your own, work on how to get what you need in your relationship, sounds a little selfish, but you are a reasonable, fair person, so it's really not. If SO sees change in you, maybe SO will choose therapy.

Another option is to look for couples retreat, and/or books about having a healthy relationship. I recommend John Gottman.
posted by theora55 at 6:02 AM on November 5, 2015

I would start by reading this book. It really helped me see how the communication in my marriage had gotten so off track and gave really good instructions for what you can attempt to do to make it better.
posted by dawkins_7 at 10:18 AM on November 9, 2015