Is it possible to just be too damn awesome?
I'm a woman in her early 30s and I've been single a long time - since my mid-20s.
When I was younger I had relationships of varying lengths, from several months to several years. I took a break quite intentionally in order to go back to school, focus on myself, deal with depression: to get my house in order. I thought that I might spend a year or two alone, grow as a person, and then smoothly resume dating like normal people, but somehow, years later, I find myself a spinster.
I'm doing all the stuff that people say you should. The time I've spent alone has been enriching, and I have a good life, a good career, good friends, and many things going for me. I enjoy spending time alone, but I have hobbies, take a continuing ed class, and take good care of myself physically. I'm generally well-liked and well-regarded. I'm no beauty queen but I'm reasonably attractive, I'm sexually driven and confident, and I am intelligent with interesting thoughts. Many people, when discussing relationships and singledom, have expressed amazement and confusion that such an eligible lady as I has been alone for so long.
Meanwhile, I've taken every approach out there:
"Get out there and take on new hobbies."
"It'll find you when you've stopped looking."
"It's OK to pursue him. Ask him out."
"Men don't want to be asked out. Wait for him to ask."
"He can't read your mind, be up-front that you're interested."
"Just tell him you want to fuck."
Still, I'm perpetually, firmly, unfortunately single.
Over the years I've gone through periods of sadness where I bang my head on the wall trying to figure out why I can't be loved. During a couple of these periods whilst talking to male friends, it has been posited to me that I intimidate men by being too awesome. I seem confident and have my shit together, and either I don't seem like I need anyone, or I otherwise scare men away.
I think it's an interesting theory, but I'm inclined to think that these men were just answering the question the only kind way possible.
Is it a real possibility? Could I be too much for men? Has building character and becoming a richer person made me unlovable?
On the flip side, would men generally prefer that I be more helpless, less capable?
I know that no one here can tell me why I'm apparently unappealing. I just want to know if my friends' theory could possibly be true, if it's a known phenomenon - and if it is, how on earth to proceed in the hopes of someday finding a partner again. I don't need a man to be complete, but everyone needs affection. It's been years for me and I'm withering without.
[questions can be sent to quasiawesome@gmail.com]
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I do think there's something to what your friends are saying, though naturally I can't tell whether or not it applies to you. Some people (too many!) are intimidated by impressive people. And many men are intimidated by impressive women. I can't prove this of course, but I've seen it over and over.
God I hate blowing my own horn, and God knows I have my faults, but I'm a pretty accomplished guy. I can discuss just about any topic, I've written several books, I've had a bunch of careers, etc. And yes there have been plenty of people who have gotten intimidated by me. But that's NOTHING compared to the number of people -- men mostly -- who have been intimidated by my accomplished wife.
It makes sense, and I even have some sympathy for those people. You know what many people want? A quiet life! They don't want to struggle to keep up; they don't want to compete all the time; they don't want to feel stupid. Alas, I've learned that no matter how hard you try to be kind and unsnobbish, a certain number of people will resent you just for your accomplishments.
However: there ARE people out there who are attracted to smart, successful, accomplished people. (There's nothing I like more than being around people who are smarter than me!) You need to find them. And currently you don't know how. I don't have a specific suggestion for you, but I suggest you use the same skills that allowed you to become successful in other areas. Really WORK on meeting people who are attracted to awesome people.
Use online tools, and not just dating services. Join discussion groups, etc. I was once looking for new (platonic) friends, so I put an ad on Craigslist. My ad was about five-pages long, describing myself in detail, my interests, accomplishments, etc. The length and detail were great sifters. I got a few emails from people saying I should have written something shorter, and I'm sure that for each of those, there were dozens of people who just looked at it and thought, "Christ! Life is too short!" But I also got some really good, thoughtful replies, and I'm still friends with some of those people.
Lastly, you say you're in your early 30s. For someone like you -- someone who has been working hard on herself and who is not going to enjoy dating any Tom, Dick or Harry -- that's not surprisingly old to be single. I didn't find love until I was 30 -- my wife didn't until she was in her very late 20s -- and now we've been married for 10 years. 20-something people are especially intimidated by high flyers. But when people reach their 30s, they tend to get a bit more confident. So you may have more luck, now that you and your dating pool are older.
I feel for you, because I know what you're going through. If you want to discuss it further or brainstorm ideas, my email is in my profile.
Good luck!
posted by grumblebee at 7:48 AM on November 26, 2006 [2 favorites]