Not Getting Distracted by a Work Crush

May 3, 2015 4:24 PM

How do I not get distracted by, and keep in perspective, a work crush?

Sorry for the cliche.

There's a guy at work who is very nice, who recently helped me out with something, and in conversations with him I discovered how insightful and kind he is. I very much enjoy talking to him. He had always made a point of smiling and saying hello. We have a definite kind of unique chemistry (not necessarily romantic on his part) which is hard to explain but which I don't experience often with others. He also mentioned a girlfriend in passing conversation.

I don't want to DO anything, but I rarely have feelings this strong for anyone (online dating never does it for me), and I have a history of feeling overwhelmed by crushes and thoughts of specific people that seem to spiral out of control for me, emotionally. This crush is becoming distracting at work because i am always thinking about when I will talk to him next, etc, etc.

What are some strategies, exercises, mindsets, etc, that I can implement to get myself to keep this under control as much as possible? I'd still like to get to know him as a coworker and hopefully a friend of sorts but especially given that as far as I know he is not single, and also that I haven't know him long and we work together, I don't think any kind of talk of romance or attraction is appropriate now.

But, how do I deal with my (strong) feelings and stay focused at work?

posted by bearette to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I'd still like to get to know him as a coworker and hopefully a friend of sorts

This is just plain gonna have to get backburnered, unfortunately, if you want to short circuit your crush. It's kind of unrealistic to go no-contact at the office so I won't suggest that, but basically you just need to limit your contact with him to the absolutely mandatory: meetings, work that directly involves him (and no fair inventing questions for him or asking him for help when a dozen others could easily help or answer), and polite nods and hellos in the hallway.

Once you've burned through the crush you can think about how to get to know him as a coworker or possibly friend.
posted by We put our faith in Blast Hardcheese at 4:34 PM on May 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

If your work culture includes socializing outside of work, hanging out in a group with him AND his girlfriend might help you change your perspective of him so you picture him as "part of a couple" instead of "a guy I like." (Only if you're capable of acting normal around him, of course.)
posted by metasarah at 5:02 PM on May 3, 2015 [2 favorites]

You could just ask him out! He will say "oh, I have a girlfriend, I could have sworn I mentioned her" and then you will be embarrassed for a little bit and avoid him a little and then probably naturally just move on because the opportunity was addressed and closed as an option.

Other than that more straightforward and kind of embarrassing if you find that kind of thing embarrassing option, you could just be stern with yourself. When you find yourself fantasizing about him, just tell yourself "bearette, this is an inappropriate crush. You're a grown up. Get to work." and eventually you'll probably talk yourself out of it. Feelings don't spring up strong out of nowhere, you're allowing them to grow and become something real to you, which if your head knows that this is becoming a distraction and is useless, it can lead your heart there.

Self-talk is pretty convincing on repeat. I've used it lots for harboring feelings for past romances and stuff like that, eventually the "stop it"s get through and you really do stop it.
posted by euphoria066 at 5:54 PM on May 3, 2015

You just have to get used to the fact that guys love to flirt with women at work. And they always have girlfriends (or wives), and the women they work with are subject to flirting. You are there for them to flirt with, nothing else. You have no value in their eyes, except as a sexual object. Only a man will have value in their eyes, if you were a man who performed the same job that you do now.

I have worked with guys like this and they have always been jerks. You want to work with real men, who are professionals, who do not sexualize the work atmosphere. I have worked with some very fine men, who treated me as an equal, and treated me as a member of their team. Those are the men that I want to work with, not someone who blurs the line between work and professionalism and makes you feel like sex is part of your job. Because that is just gross.
posted by Marie Mon Dieu at 6:54 PM on May 3, 2015 [5 favorites]

You are there for them to flirt with, nothing else... Only a man will have value in their eyes

Or he's just being nice - he smiles, he says hello, he's openly mentioned that he has a girlfriend. None of that shouts shameless, woman-hating flirt to me.

You say that you have a history of getting too involved in crushes and the attached emotions, so you're at least aware that this might be more than you're making it out to be. If he acts this way with other people at work, I'd take that to mean that this is how he is with his friends and that's how he sees you.
posted by dvrmmr at 12:40 AM on May 4, 2015 [1 favorite]

Response by poster: I appreciate the answers. FWIW, I am not really concerned with whether or not he is flirting so much as how to deal with the crush and not think of it obsessively, esp. at work.
posted by bearette at 5:47 AM on May 4, 2015

Take a mindful approach to it. When the thoughts come up, say, there they are again, let them float by without grasping on to them, move on. Do it dozens of times an hour if necessary. Suppressing thoughts is the opposite of what works.
posted by namesarehard at 1:21 PM on May 4, 2015