Aging, depressed parents in another country
April 30, 2015 8:33 AM Subscribe
A few years ago my parents, who immigrated to the US (where I was born and raised) moved back to their home country, which is in the Middle East. I'm still in the US. About a year and a half ago my only sibling died unexpectedly, causing all three of us untold amounts of grief. Now they're old, tired, and depressed in a distant country and I don't know what to do. What can I do to improve/feel better about this situation?
A few more salient points here:
I'm in my very early 20s and haven't graduated college yet. I can't support them financially, or move them here, or move them here and put them up in an assisted living facility if something happens. Even if I could move them here, I don't know that they would want that - they like being in that country, and they have somewhat of a support system there (mostly childhood friends, for whatever reason neither parent seems to be particularly close with their extended families).
On the other hand, I would not really want to live there. I don't speak the language, dislike the culture, and as a woman wouldn't be able to have much of a career there (or do anything, really - as far as I can tell from my visits there, women hardly even go outside). I love being in the US and decided a long time ago that I wanted to build my life here.
This is all complicated by the (relatively recent) death of my sibling, which just makes the whole situation more painful. We don't talk about it, but I know they're still grieving and will still be grieving. I'm managing to cope with my own grief (therapy, SSRIs, etc.) but I can't stop imagining them in that country, with nothing to do all day (they both do some consulting work for a few hours each day, and visit with friends every few days, but beyond that they're just sitting around in the apartment together), with nothing to look forward to in life, just grieving my deceased sibling. They seem to be in good health (though I'm not sure they would tell me if anything was wrong), but they're aging - my dad is in his early 70s, my mom in her late 60s. Every day I'm terrified that something will happen, that they'll get sick. At least now they have each other, but what will I do if one of them passes away and the other is totally alone and thousand of miles away? Worse, what will I do if both of them pass away? I would have no idea how to cope with that at this point in my life.
I try to talk to them on the phone every few days but then I start thinking about all of the above and get so upset I can barely say anything. Flights there run about $1300 round trip and take at least 20hrs each way. I'm planning a visit soon, but I don't know how often I'll be able to visit once I graduate and start working.
Basically, I just don't know I can do about this situation, or how to cope with all of this. I'm just looking for any advice, suggestions, or just anything you might have to say. I greatly appreciate it.
A few more salient points here:
I'm in my very early 20s and haven't graduated college yet. I can't support them financially, or move them here, or move them here and put them up in an assisted living facility if something happens. Even if I could move them here, I don't know that they would want that - they like being in that country, and they have somewhat of a support system there (mostly childhood friends, for whatever reason neither parent seems to be particularly close with their extended families).
On the other hand, I would not really want to live there. I don't speak the language, dislike the culture, and as a woman wouldn't be able to have much of a career there (or do anything, really - as far as I can tell from my visits there, women hardly even go outside). I love being in the US and decided a long time ago that I wanted to build my life here.
This is all complicated by the (relatively recent) death of my sibling, which just makes the whole situation more painful. We don't talk about it, but I know they're still grieving and will still be grieving. I'm managing to cope with my own grief (therapy, SSRIs, etc.) but I can't stop imagining them in that country, with nothing to do all day (they both do some consulting work for a few hours each day, and visit with friends every few days, but beyond that they're just sitting around in the apartment together), with nothing to look forward to in life, just grieving my deceased sibling. They seem to be in good health (though I'm not sure they would tell me if anything was wrong), but they're aging - my dad is in his early 70s, my mom in her late 60s. Every day I'm terrified that something will happen, that they'll get sick. At least now they have each other, but what will I do if one of them passes away and the other is totally alone and thousand of miles away? Worse, what will I do if both of them pass away? I would have no idea how to cope with that at this point in my life.
I try to talk to them on the phone every few days but then I start thinking about all of the above and get so upset I can barely say anything. Flights there run about $1300 round trip and take at least 20hrs each way. I'm planning a visit soon, but I don't know how often I'll be able to visit once I graduate and start working.
Basically, I just don't know I can do about this situation, or how to cope with all of this. I'm just looking for any advice, suggestions, or just anything you might have to say. I greatly appreciate it.
Could you start a ritual of writing proper letters to them? Sometimes it is easier to write heartfeltedly than speak. Even better, if you have a little more time, sending a small "care package" including a good letter to them, say once a month.
If you can persuade them to do the same, this could start a sweet back-and-forth that will at the least provide them with something to put a little thought and time into, and at best create some treasured keepsakes and mementoes.
posted by greenish at 9:07 AM on April 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
If you can persuade them to do the same, this could start a sweet back-and-forth that will at the least provide them with something to put a little thought and time into, and at best create some treasured keepsakes and mementoes.
posted by greenish at 9:07 AM on April 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
with nothing to look forward to in life
they both do some consulting work for a few hours each day, and visit with friends every few days, but beyond that they're just sitting around in the apartment together
I agree that it sounds like you're projecting. It's possible (and probable!) that doing a bit of work, visiting with friends, and just hanging out together is what they've been looking forward to doing in life.
It's normal to worry about what happens when they get sick or what happens when one parent dies. But focus on what you can reasonably do. Have they discussed end of life plans? Have they covered all of their legal bases in their country (health care proxies, powers of attorney, those kinds of things)? Will one spouse be able to subsist financially after the death of the other spouse (especially if your father dies before your mother -- will there be any issues with a widowed woman owning property, receiving income, or traversing outside the home alone for example)? What kind of funeral/burial do they want? Do you have an emergency savings fund in case you have to make a last-minute trip there? Having these (admittedly uncomfortable) discussions about the practical side of "what happens when ...!?!?" can help. In my experience, some parents are very resistant to discussing these things; if you think that may be an issue, perhaps your therapist can help with strategies for starting the discussion.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:37 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
they both do some consulting work for a few hours each day, and visit with friends every few days, but beyond that they're just sitting around in the apartment together
I agree that it sounds like you're projecting. It's possible (and probable!) that doing a bit of work, visiting with friends, and just hanging out together is what they've been looking forward to doing in life.
It's normal to worry about what happens when they get sick or what happens when one parent dies. But focus on what you can reasonably do. Have they discussed end of life plans? Have they covered all of their legal bases in their country (health care proxies, powers of attorney, those kinds of things)? Will one spouse be able to subsist financially after the death of the other spouse (especially if your father dies before your mother -- will there be any issues with a widowed woman owning property, receiving income, or traversing outside the home alone for example)? What kind of funeral/burial do they want? Do you have an emergency savings fund in case you have to make a last-minute trip there? Having these (admittedly uncomfortable) discussions about the practical side of "what happens when ...!?!?" can help. In my experience, some parents are very resistant to discussing these things; if you think that may be an issue, perhaps your therapist can help with strategies for starting the discussion.
posted by melissasaurus at 9:37 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
They are not going to stop grieving for your sibling, ever.
They do not feel as old as you think they are.
They are perfectly capable of organising their lives as they want them to be, which is what they have done. They haven't suddenly become incompetent.
As regards parental obligations, your job as their child is to become as happy and fulfilled as you possibly can be: that is the greatest reward a parent ever gets. In the meantime use Skype if they can access it, and if calls are difficult spend some time planning the call before you speak to them. Have some little snippets of stuff prepared to tell them. Then take your studies seriously and do well without becoming distracted with theoretical duties.
It's possible you're suffering a bit from survivors guilt. The death of a young person is very very hard to get over, you will still be processing it and suffering from it. But the things you fear haven't happened yet and it's likely a lot of your anxiety stems from the profound sense of insecurity an unexpected death brings.
So you should do what you can and what you ought to do, which is do well at college and be as happy as you can, and lay a foundation for your future so that IF you find yourself responsible for them you will be able to cope in terms of income and resources. You shouldn't really feel worried about them or guilty that you are not doing more at this moment - it will be more than obvious when they really need you.
posted by glasseyes at 10:59 AM on April 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
They do not feel as old as you think they are.
They are perfectly capable of organising their lives as they want them to be, which is what they have done. They haven't suddenly become incompetent.
As regards parental obligations, your job as their child is to become as happy and fulfilled as you possibly can be: that is the greatest reward a parent ever gets. In the meantime use Skype if they can access it, and if calls are difficult spend some time planning the call before you speak to them. Have some little snippets of stuff prepared to tell them. Then take your studies seriously and do well without becoming distracted with theoretical duties.
It's possible you're suffering a bit from survivors guilt. The death of a young person is very very hard to get over, you will still be processing it and suffering from it. But the things you fear haven't happened yet and it's likely a lot of your anxiety stems from the profound sense of insecurity an unexpected death brings.
So you should do what you can and what you ought to do, which is do well at college and be as happy as you can, and lay a foundation for your future so that IF you find yourself responsible for them you will be able to cope in terms of income and resources. You shouldn't really feel worried about them or guilty that you are not doing more at this moment - it will be more than obvious when they really need you.
posted by glasseyes at 10:59 AM on April 30, 2015 [2 favorites]
That is a really tough situation and I am sorry for your loss. I don't know your parents obviously, but from what you've said I somewhat agree with the other posters; your parents might actually feel better being back home even though to you it seems kind of like they are stuck there. Having a support system of old friends and just being back in your own culture and country can be a huge comfort and one that I think might be magnified in their age. It's possible that just doing some work and spending some time with friends and at home might be enough for them, maybe with occasional visits from you to look forward to. It is possible that you imagining them being "stuck" is just your imagination--they are grieving your sister either way, so they probably feel somewhat better being in a place they like vs a country they don't.
So ultimately it does come down to how you will cope, because from your question it doesn't sound like they are having issues with living there as much as you are. Which is 100% understandable, especially given that you are so young and suffered a big loss. I'm glad you are in therapy and treatment but how is your support system overall (friends etc)? I think the best thing for you to do is continue to focus on your own coping and stay in touch with them via Skype/phone as much as possible (which it sounds like you are doing). Try not to think about things like "what if they..." because you don't know when or how or if anything will happen, and in 5 years things could be different (you could be in a travel intensive job, they might decide to come to the US etc). and you don't have control over a lot of the things you are worrying about (although they are understandable worries, maybe talking to your therapist about them will help?). Take it one day at a time, try to spend a lot of time with good friends who care about you if that is an option, and do constructive things you think can help you feel better. As time goes on your decisions may adjust based on your feelings and circumstances. For instance, if in a year you get used to the long-distance thing with your parents, you could proceed one way. But if you really hate it maybe you can talk to them or re-evaluate your own plans (try and find a way to work somewhere where you can visit more often or more easily). I think over time staying connected with them as much as possible (via skype etc and I liked greenish's idea a lot) and focusing on dealing with your own grief management will help a lot with coping over time. I really do hope you have a good support system at home, but you didn't mention it I don't think, so working on building that would help in the case that you don't (a difficult thing to do for sure but definitely doable).
posted by hejrat at 11:06 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
So ultimately it does come down to how you will cope, because from your question it doesn't sound like they are having issues with living there as much as you are. Which is 100% understandable, especially given that you are so young and suffered a big loss. I'm glad you are in therapy and treatment but how is your support system overall (friends etc)? I think the best thing for you to do is continue to focus on your own coping and stay in touch with them via Skype/phone as much as possible (which it sounds like you are doing). Try not to think about things like "what if they..." because you don't know when or how or if anything will happen, and in 5 years things could be different (you could be in a travel intensive job, they might decide to come to the US etc). and you don't have control over a lot of the things you are worrying about (although they are understandable worries, maybe talking to your therapist about them will help?). Take it one day at a time, try to spend a lot of time with good friends who care about you if that is an option, and do constructive things you think can help you feel better. As time goes on your decisions may adjust based on your feelings and circumstances. For instance, if in a year you get used to the long-distance thing with your parents, you could proceed one way. But if you really hate it maybe you can talk to them or re-evaluate your own plans (try and find a way to work somewhere where you can visit more often or more easily). I think over time staying connected with them as much as possible (via skype etc and I liked greenish's idea a lot) and focusing on dealing with your own grief management will help a lot with coping over time. I really do hope you have a good support system at home, but you didn't mention it I don't think, so working on building that would help in the case that you don't (a difficult thing to do for sure but definitely doable).
posted by hejrat at 11:06 AM on April 30, 2015 [1 favorite]
I have an idea that is really easy and will help them feel much more connected to you: skype or facetime instead of calling on the phone.
I have a one year old daughter with four long-distance grandparents and they adore seeing us as we talk. It really does feel like you are having a visit instead of just a phone call. You may not be able to be physically closer to them, but your time with them can feel easily much more meaningful and connected by adding video.
posted by mirabelle at 3:53 PM on April 30, 2015
I have a one year old daughter with four long-distance grandparents and they adore seeing us as we talk. It really does feel like you are having a visit instead of just a phone call. You may not be able to be physically closer to them, but your time with them can feel easily much more meaningful and connected by adding video.
posted by mirabelle at 3:53 PM on April 30, 2015
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I suspect you may be projecting your own feelings on the joylessness of their life there. Of course they are grieving your sister, but you say yourself that they enjoy living there and they have a support network. What else exactly do you want from them? A goal in life, something to work towards? A bucket list? They're retired and enjoying taking it easy. Let them be and focus on managing your own depression.
Finally, roundtrip flights are expensive, but Skype is free and it really is a magical way to feel like you've connected over a large distance. Even more so than talking on the phone. If they're consultants presumably they have some technological experience, and I think you could set up weekly Skype dates to check in with them. That would score double points in giving them great pleasure, and in relieving the guilt that I see oozing out of your post about "abandoning" them in a faraway country.
posted by Liesl at 8:50 AM on April 30, 2015 [5 favorites]