Family Drama Filter: Help me distance myself from a parent

December 21, 2014 8:52 AM

I've come to realize over the years that while I love my father, I am so different from him, and do not share his and his wife's (he is remarried) lifestyle and values and really wish I could come to accept it and completely distance myself from them. Please help me do this.

I understand that people grow in different directions, and that families have strife and that "divorces" can occur not just between parents but between siblings and even parent/children. I never thought I'd want to completely distance myself from my dad but about twenty years ago (when i was in my twenties) he married a woman who is so unbelievably narcissistic, bullish, and nasty and he has, over the years adopted her mannerisms, behaviors and ridiculously extravagant, selfish, self absorbed lifestyle (yah i sound pretty judgmental but this is truly how i perceive it). My mother died in July and I just had my first baby in August, and have wanted and needed my Dad's attention. (He lives in my local area). But his wife consumes him and she is very very jealous. His absence/lack of attention in my life feels particularly profound and painful given the loss of my mom. And he showers a ton more money, time and energy a sister that I have who has aligned himself with is wife and is lot like his wife: shares her values, lifestyle and aggressive/bullying manner. I am growing more resentful and it is hurting me, and bleeding into my ability to focus on my baby, work, husband, etc. I essentially would like to divorce my dad, and this sister and of course, my dad's wife.

Can you please recommend ways to cope and any books, podcasts or other resources for dealing with family relations, separation from a parent/family. Unfortunately as a working mom I really don't have time for therapy right now.

posted by SanSebastien to Human Relations (7 answers total)

I hope I don't sound too flip when I say this, but just walk away. It sounds like you've already made the decision, so all you need to do is act on it. If you're asking for the Internet to give you permission: you have my permission, as a member of the internet who is estranged from half his birth family due to their bad behavior! You can't change anyone, so all you can do is change how you deal with someone's behavior.

If it helps, just remember that we're all people. Family ties are considered culturally important in the US, anyway, but there's no inherent thing that says "as a human, you are a failure if you don't have a close relationship with both parents and your extended family." Your father's behavior sounds pretty unpleasant, but remember there's no law saying he has to be a "good" parent, and no law requiring you to be a "good" daughter. If you can reach out to your husband and his family and your social support structure for help and support, do it! They're the family you've chosen, after all, and sometimes that kind of family works out at least as well as the kind you're genetically related to.
posted by Alterscape at 9:40 AM on December 21, 2014 [11 favorites]

You're going to hate what I'm about to tell you, but it's true. Just stop talking to these folks. You'll be surprised how quickly they stop calling you. You've probably been doing the heavy lifting in this relationship for quite some time anyway. You put yourself out for them and they don't really seem to notice, let alone reciprocate.

I suspect that you want some dramatic pronouncement, "I divorce you, my family, for your egregious treatment of me!" And then they see the error of their ways and they feel bad, and they wish you would give them a chance....yeah, not going to happen.

So defriend them on social media, don't call them any more, and if invited to something, don't respond.

I'm sorry that you're hurting, it really sucks when you finally realize that the people who are supposed to love you and be in your corner...just aren't.

Luckily, you can choose your friends, and hopefully your husband's family is awesome. You'll never regret chasing after something that you can't have, and embracing all the people in your life who truly love and care about you.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 10:18 AM on December 21, 2014 [14 favorites]

"My mother died in July and I just had my first baby in August, and have wanted and needed my Dad's attention. (He lives in my local area). But his wife consumes him and she is very very jealous."

I understand where you're coming from but I think following this line of thinking you could be cutting your nose off to spite your face.

Have you ever spoken to him about this directly and asked for what you want here?

I'm pretty unforgiving when it comes to arsehole parents, and while I could totally understand casting them off into the wilderness this seems the exact opposite of what you seem to actually want.

The relationship changed with the new woman, but its not to say it could change again, with your mothers passing and a new baby, is a lot of upset for sure, but also an opportunity for a fresh start and a new beginning.

Its hard to take, as I know from my own experience; my parents who acted despicably to me as their own child are now completely in love with their new grandbaby.

This has been pretty hard to take for me personally , but from their perspective the new baby is a fresh start for them, and while they weren't equipped to deal with their own children, as grandparents the pressure is totally off and gives them an opportunity to show their better sides. It doesn't mean that you completely forget about how they were or what went on, but it is an interesting change to witness.
posted by Middlemarch at 10:41 AM on December 21, 2014 [8 favorites]

I hear you completely, so it sounds like it is time to reduce your expectations of these people. It might feel really good initially to tell them off or cut them out of your life out of hurt and frustration, but this might make you feel worse as their response is probably not going to be what would be ideal: "we're so sorry! Forgive us!" I think you may benefit from just reducing your expectations and talking to a therapist (even just once!) about it. New babies are stressful anyway and no one can really do anything right when you are tired and cranky from a new baby - particularly if they *really* can't do anything right (which sounds like the case here), then it just makes it extra worse and hurtful.

Also, check out this book from your library - it may be what is going on with your step-mom and might be helpful to just hear that you are not crazy and she has a legit problem.
posted by Toddles at 12:09 PM on December 21, 2014 [1 favorite]

I haven't spoken to or seen my parents in about 10 years now. My only regret is not doing it sooner. If you are sure that you want to divorce your dad I strongly recommend you listen to what's been said above and just go no contact. No social media, no answering their calls etc.
I first made the mistake of trying other tactics, like trying to reason with them or just telling them how I felt or telling them to f-off.... But all these tactics just caused drama and made our relationship last longer (a painful almost 9 years long!) Finally I just went no contact and hired a lawyer when they ignored my wishes for no contact. That took care of it REAL quick and life has been much better ever since. I could've saved myself so much trouble if I had just done that from the beginning. So if you already know this is what you want, then just do it. But if you do- do it because you know it's healthier for you and your family, not because you're secretly hoping they will 'see the light' and change their ways.
posted by rancher at 5:09 PM on December 21, 2014 [4 favorites]

I hear ya sister.

Yep. Just stop talking with them.

It will feel soooooooooooooo good.

Enjoy your new family! I specifically don't talk to my dad, brother, and stepmother because I don't want my husband or son to think that treating family the way they treat me is acceptable.

Rename them on your phone "Do Not Answer." Happily move on with your life.
posted by jbenben at 5:51 PM on December 21, 2014 [5 favorites]

Nthing go no contact immediately including blocks on your phone and on all social media.

My DH disowned both of his toxic parents shortly after the birth of our first child 7 years ago, and it was seriously the healthiest, best, most life-affirming decision DH ever made. We are so much happier and healthier for it. And as parents, it has truly made us much better role models for healthy relationships and having good boundaries.

I am growing more resentful and it is hurting me, and bleeding into my ability to focus on my baby, work, husband

Remember this. THIS should be your new mantra, OP, should you ever feel the unhealthy need to reach out again after you've cut them off.

Because if this is true:
"Unfortunately as a working mom I really don't have time for therapy right now"

Then certainly this also has to be true: I don't have time for shitty, drama-causing family members in my life right now.

I recently read an interview with Matthew McConaughey of all people, and I think his advice for the parents of a newborn resonates here in your situation too. It goes something like this: Never is a woman more a woman than when she is the mother of a newborn child. Whatever decisions you make in the first six months of becoming a mother, double down on them. You know what's important.

You KNOW it's important to protect your new little baby from these people. You know that you cannot have a peaceful home life with them in the picture. Listen to what your instincts are telling you to do, and just stop communicating with them. It really is that simple.
posted by hush at 9:12 AM on December 23, 2014 [2 favorites]