Husband's 'teen' porn
March 10, 2015 11:17 PM Subscribe
How common or uncommon is it for men who look at porn to look at 'teen' porn?
I stumbled upon the tabs for my husband’s porn viewing session. All of the videos included "teen" as a keyword in the title. The people did not appear prepubescent. I am having a negative reaction to this. My questions, in order, for the site are:
1) How common or uncommon is this? Is this considered illegal?
2) Are there any resources available for people having a negative reaction to spousal porn usage that are NOT religious in nature?
3) I know most people here are very nonchalant about any porn usage. This question is directed only at people who can empathize with my reaction. How does one cope with feelings of anger, nausea, revulsion, emotional shutdown, and deep depression that come in response to this information about one’s spouse?
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido, if so, which one is the best at doing this? At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change. Many thanks to anyone who takes the trouble to answer.
1) How common or uncommon is this? Is this considered illegal?
2) Are there any resources available for people having a negative reaction to spousal porn usage that are NOT religious in nature?
3) I know most people here are very nonchalant about any porn usage. This question is directed only at people who can empathize with my reaction. How does one cope with feelings of anger, nausea, revulsion, emotional shutdown, and deep depression that come in response to this information about one’s spouse?
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido, if so, which one is the best at doing this? At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change. Many thanks to anyone who takes the trouble to answer.
As far as your first question goes, this quote from today's Grantland article about the porn industry is relevant:
"Studios are, in fact, extremely careful to verify that the girls are at least 18, even if they then use their youthful appearance to market them as “teens.”"
posted by asterix at 11:34 PM on March 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
"Studios are, in fact, extremely careful to verify that the girls are at least 18, even if they then use their youthful appearance to market them as “teens.”"
posted by asterix at 11:34 PM on March 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Assuming this is just your standard "teen" porn site, featuring "barely legal" young women, there is nothing illegal about it and it is extremely common. Really, most of the guys in your neighborhood are probably looking at this stuff right now. You really need a marriage counselor. Make some calls and see if you can find somebody who will see you on a sliding scale.
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:39 PM on March 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
posted by Ursula Hitler at 11:39 PM on March 10, 2015 [6 favorites]
Nthing what is said here. Sounds like much more going on than just the type of porn he's looking at. But, to answer the leading question:
"Teen" is a very common category, and it's far more marketing than anything else, as asterix pointed out. The chances that the performers are underage are very low. They're more likely to be in their early twenties.
To be blunt, your husband may only be looking at "teen" for tonight, or this week or whatever, and next week he'll move on to something else. Or not. Can't say, nor do I know if that will make you feel better or worse, but there are an awful lot of sub-categories out there.
I wish you much luck regarding all the rest, and I cannot support Ursula Hitler's suggestion of looking for a counselor on a sliding scale strongly enough.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:07 AM on March 11, 2015
"Teen" is a very common category, and it's far more marketing than anything else, as asterix pointed out. The chances that the performers are underage are very low. They're more likely to be in their early twenties.
To be blunt, your husband may only be looking at "teen" for tonight, or this week or whatever, and next week he'll move on to something else. Or not. Can't say, nor do I know if that will make you feel better or worse, but there are an awful lot of sub-categories out there.
I wish you much luck regarding all the rest, and I cannot support Ursula Hitler's suggestion of looking for a counselor on a sliding scale strongly enough.
posted by scaryblackdeath at 12:07 AM on March 11, 2015
If it makes you feel any better, as fucked up as this is, your husband searching out "teen porn" actually means he was explicitly seeking out porn that is the opposite of what your mention of "prepubescent" seems to indicate you fear. This is a highly regulated industry, it is totally legal, all of the talent is over 18, and everybody involved -- including your husband -- knows this.
To answer your question as to how popular this genre of porn is, it is the single most popular category for men, and the third most popular category for women. (Yay stats!)
posted by DarlingBri at 12:08 AM on March 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
To answer your question as to how popular this genre of porn is, it is the single most popular category for men, and the third most popular category for women. (Yay stats!)
posted by DarlingBri at 12:08 AM on March 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
"Teen" porn is probably the most or second most common type of porn that is popular with straight men of all ages. If you have a problem with porn in general, you might want to talk to your husband.
posted by irisclara at 12:10 AM on March 11, 2015
posted by irisclara at 12:10 AM on March 11, 2015
1. Extremely common. It's not considered a fetish, it's considered mainstream. It's illegal if the performers are under 18. Which they sometimes are and you have no way to verify, though I understand that most major American studios would not take this risk. The words "teen" and "barely legal" are extremely commonly applied to performers who are 18 and up. That's like the advertising hook, not the literal age bracket. I'm sure most of the stuff he's looked at comes from major, more mainstream studios with legal performers, but no, there is no way to be 100% sure the women he's jacked off to are in fact women and not girls. It's okay to be troubled by this.
2. Hard to find these days. Questioning any aspect of porn usage these days automatically gets you labeled as sex-negative, even antifeminist somehow. Look to older strains of feminism for other perspectives. But your problem seems more personal than theoretical, and your reaction seems quite powerful, and painful for you. I don't see what marriage counseling will do here at this point, but you might find it IMMENSELY relieving to share these feelings with a professional on your own where you can feel safe and free of judgment or defensiveness while you sort out your feelings and decide what you want and need. AFTER you sort your own feelings out, maybe then a marriage counselor would help.
3. This is a totally valid reaction and it's your reaction. You are allowed to feel what you feel and you're not some prudish church lady for not being into the man you sleep with getting off to teenagers. I admit to having been shocked the first time I saw what a boyfriend's porn actually looked like. I understand and accept this aspect of sexuality more now, but I still allow myself to feel what I feel if I ever feel a twinge of ick. It's like we're not allowed to question or reject or be hurt or put off by the implications of so many men seeming to prefer teenagers, and that, my friend, is BULLSHIT. So don't let anyone silence you. That said, your reaction does seem quite strong. A lot of couples share porn. A lot of couples have a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. We all do what works. What you can't do is control what's in his head (or anywhere else.) And you can't unsee it. So again, I think seeing a therapist on your own makes a ton of sense here. Or talk to a sister or girlfriend if you have a close one. This has helped me immensely with stuff like this.
4. This is above your and our pay grade. Drugs work differently for everyone. Also, this seems like a Band-Aid to cover the problem rather than a real solution. You're allowed to feel ambivalent or even grossed out but also be a sexual person. You should try to sort out your own feelings first before trying to rush to "solve" this. Good luck! This isn't easy and I don't think you're abnormal. But I do think you're hurting more than you need to.
posted by kapers at 12:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [45 favorites]
2. Hard to find these days. Questioning any aspect of porn usage these days automatically gets you labeled as sex-negative, even antifeminist somehow. Look to older strains of feminism for other perspectives. But your problem seems more personal than theoretical, and your reaction seems quite powerful, and painful for you. I don't see what marriage counseling will do here at this point, but you might find it IMMENSELY relieving to share these feelings with a professional on your own where you can feel safe and free of judgment or defensiveness while you sort out your feelings and decide what you want and need. AFTER you sort your own feelings out, maybe then a marriage counselor would help.
3. This is a totally valid reaction and it's your reaction. You are allowed to feel what you feel and you're not some prudish church lady for not being into the man you sleep with getting off to teenagers. I admit to having been shocked the first time I saw what a boyfriend's porn actually looked like. I understand and accept this aspect of sexuality more now, but I still allow myself to feel what I feel if I ever feel a twinge of ick. It's like we're not allowed to question or reject or be hurt or put off by the implications of so many men seeming to prefer teenagers, and that, my friend, is BULLSHIT. So don't let anyone silence you. That said, your reaction does seem quite strong. A lot of couples share porn. A lot of couples have a "don't ask, don't tell" arrangement. We all do what works. What you can't do is control what's in his head (or anywhere else.) And you can't unsee it. So again, I think seeing a therapist on your own makes a ton of sense here. Or talk to a sister or girlfriend if you have a close one. This has helped me immensely with stuff like this.
4. This is above your and our pay grade. Drugs work differently for everyone. Also, this seems like a Band-Aid to cover the problem rather than a real solution. You're allowed to feel ambivalent or even grossed out but also be a sexual person. You should try to sort out your own feelings first before trying to rush to "solve" this. Good luck! This isn't easy and I don't think you're abnormal. But I do think you're hurting more than you need to.
posted by kapers at 12:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [45 favorites]
I think counseling is a good idea - counselors deal with this question a lot and they can give you better perspective than you'll get from here. Watching porn is certainly common, but if it were my husband it would upset me exactly as it is you - the "teen" aspect only making it worse. But that's just my own reaction - and yours. That's why you need to talk to someone who's experienced at determining when it is a problem and when it isn't.
Your story is so deeply sad - when it reaches a point where you'd prefer a pill to stop feeling any desire for sex, that's overwhelmingly sad. You don't need a pill for that, though you may need an antidepressant for other reasons - or not - but you need this issue to be resolved immediately. So please find someone to help you - and don't let anyone minimize it because it's a huge problem in your life right now. Just because it's acceptable to some doesn't make it an okay part of your marriage.
posted by aryma at 12:12 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Your story is so deeply sad - when it reaches a point where you'd prefer a pill to stop feeling any desire for sex, that's overwhelmingly sad. You don't need a pill for that, though you may need an antidepressant for other reasons - or not - but you need this issue to be resolved immediately. So please find someone to help you - and don't let anyone minimize it because it's a huge problem in your life right now. Just because it's acceptable to some doesn't make it an okay part of your marriage.
posted by aryma at 12:12 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I missed the edit window but I just want to add, when I said to talk to your husband I mean that you should tell him what you saw and how you feel about it and how you feel about him. Of course, you have to figure those things out first but he may be willing to stop viewing porn or change his viewing habits. If your marriage is otherwise strong this doesn't have to be a big thing.
I used to sell porn and I think the reason teen stuff is so popular is that we all want to be young and sexy in our fantasies. That's why it's so popular with women, as well as men. Porn is about escapism, not realism.
posted by irisclara at 12:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
I used to sell porn and I think the reason teen stuff is so popular is that we all want to be young and sexy in our fantasies. That's why it's so popular with women, as well as men. Porn is about escapism, not realism.
posted by irisclara at 12:29 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
As everyone else said, "teen" porn is a very common thing. I only skimmed this site, and it presupposes that its readers are married to porn ADDICTS (which you haven't described as the case), but it seems to be a non-religious resource for women who feel very hurt and angry about their spouse's porn use so maybe it will be useful to you: pornaddicthubby.com.
As for the bad feelings, it sounds like you are really reeling from this. Is there someone you talk to who you trust? If you can be as slow and gentle with yourself as possible, letting yourself feel all your feelings but not necessarily jumping to conclusions or doing anything while you feel this way, I think that would be best.
I don't think a doctor would prescribe antidepressants to take away your libido. But I agree with many of the above posters that finding a counselor -- whether a personal counselor or a marriage counselor or both -- sounds like it could really, really help right now. Take care, anon.
posted by feets at 12:34 AM on March 11, 2015
As for the bad feelings, it sounds like you are really reeling from this. Is there someone you talk to who you trust? If you can be as slow and gentle with yourself as possible, letting yourself feel all your feelings but not necessarily jumping to conclusions or doing anything while you feel this way, I think that would be best.
I don't think a doctor would prescribe antidepressants to take away your libido. But I agree with many of the above posters that finding a counselor -- whether a personal counselor or a marriage counselor or both -- sounds like it could really, really help right now. Take care, anon.
posted by feets at 12:34 AM on March 11, 2015
Just adding another voice to the chorus about the "teen" modifier: It's really common, and if anything, it means kind of vanilla, boring porn. Nothing crazy. Just attractive people having sex. It's a really common porn keyword. This is the most mainstream shit ever. Don't worry about it.
Your reaction is so strong that I'm wondering if something else is going on. When did this happen? Have you talked to your husband about it?
I'm assuming that you don't watch porn, but do you have a sexual fantasy life? Do you fantasize about other men? Do you have sexual dreams? Do you masturbate? If yes to any of the above - what is the difference between watching porn and having sexy dream?
At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
Do you consider porn cheating? I'm confused as to whether you are upset about porn in general, or you're just horrified by the "teen" part.
The vast, vast majority of men watch porn. A lot of women do, too. For the most part, it has nothing to do with their attraction to their spouses or partners, and it's just a private thing that they do. If you feel like porn is interfering with your sex life - you never have sex, but he jacks of all the time - that's different.
And no, a doctor is not going to prescribe you antidepressants to kill your libido.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:35 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Your reaction is so strong that I'm wondering if something else is going on. When did this happen? Have you talked to your husband about it?
I'm assuming that you don't watch porn, but do you have a sexual fantasy life? Do you fantasize about other men? Do you have sexual dreams? Do you masturbate? If yes to any of the above - what is the difference between watching porn and having sexy dream?
At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
Do you consider porn cheating? I'm confused as to whether you are upset about porn in general, or you're just horrified by the "teen" part.
The vast, vast majority of men watch porn. A lot of women do, too. For the most part, it has nothing to do with their attraction to their spouses or partners, and it's just a private thing that they do. If you feel like porn is interfering with your sex life - you never have sex, but he jacks of all the time - that's different.
And no, a doctor is not going to prescribe you antidepressants to kill your libido.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 1:35 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
4) Antidepressant to reduce libido?
Out of enough doctors there will always be someone somewhere willing to use a med in a very off-label way. But antidepressants affect people in very different ways, and reducing libido is not all that common (Often it increases.) So you can't count on that. At all.
3) Coping with the feelings?
". . . directed only at people who can empathize with the [your] reaction." I qualify. Sort of. As a guy who is quite turned on by the very same porn your husband views, I admit to having wrestled with conflicted feelings about it. Is this normal? Is this healthy? They're so much younger! Is it disgusting of me? Should I be ashamed?
I eventually realized something that explained a lot (and made me feel much better about it). I was simply feeling a powerful attraction toward women who looked just as my contemporaries did in the years when my own sexuality was awakening. At this age I am also attracted to older women, but it's too much to expect that my first concept of sexy is just going to evaporate. The classmates and neighbors who gave me my first model of womanhood will be with me for life.
If that helps explain it, I hope it also helps in some small measure, to reconcile your feelings. Good luck to you!
posted by wjm at 2:01 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Out of enough doctors there will always be someone somewhere willing to use a med in a very off-label way. But antidepressants affect people in very different ways, and reducing libido is not all that common (Often it increases.) So you can't count on that. At all.
3) Coping with the feelings?
". . . directed only at people who can empathize with the [your] reaction." I qualify. Sort of. As a guy who is quite turned on by the very same porn your husband views, I admit to having wrestled with conflicted feelings about it. Is this normal? Is this healthy? They're so much younger! Is it disgusting of me? Should I be ashamed?
I eventually realized something that explained a lot (and made me feel much better about it). I was simply feeling a powerful attraction toward women who looked just as my contemporaries did in the years when my own sexuality was awakening. At this age I am also attracted to older women, but it's too much to expect that my first concept of sexy is just going to evaporate. The classmates and neighbors who gave me my first model of womanhood will be with me for life.
If that helps explain it, I hope it also helps in some small measure, to reconcile your feelings. Good luck to you!
posted by wjm at 2:01 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
1) How common or uncommon is this?
It's extremely common for men to look at porn, and particularly 'teen porn'.
I am reminded of an ocassion where sociologists attempted to quantify what proportion of men (in this instance, in their twenties) use porn, were unable to find men who didn't use porn.
Other studies have placed the proportion of men who use porn at between 50% and 99%.
PornHub, one of the world's most popular porn sites, releases analytics derivied from the behaviour of the users of the site. 'Teen' was the most searched term in 2014, and has been for years.
Is this considered illegal?
It's illegal in most (Western liberal) jurisidictions to create or posess pornography featuring people under 18. However, as discussed above, the overwhelming majority of 'teen' porn on the web features performers who are verified as being over 18, and is perfectly legal in many jurisidictions. Professional porn (again, in Western liberal jurisidctions) is a big, legitimate business and is subject to strict regulation on this and other issues.
Reputable websites that publish amateur porn generally take steps to ensure they they are not publishing material that features underage girls. Non-reputable ones often find themselves subject to attention from the authorities, although it is an ongoing problem.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:27 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
It's extremely common for men to look at porn, and particularly 'teen porn'.
I am reminded of an ocassion where sociologists attempted to quantify what proportion of men (in this instance, in their twenties) use porn, were unable to find men who didn't use porn.
Other studies have placed the proportion of men who use porn at between 50% and 99%.
PornHub, one of the world's most popular porn sites, releases analytics derivied from the behaviour of the users of the site. 'Teen' was the most searched term in 2014, and has been for years.
Is this considered illegal?
It's illegal in most (Western liberal) jurisidictions to create or posess pornography featuring people under 18. However, as discussed above, the overwhelming majority of 'teen' porn on the web features performers who are verified as being over 18, and is perfectly legal in many jurisidictions. Professional porn (again, in Western liberal jurisidctions) is a big, legitimate business and is subject to strict regulation on this and other issues.
Reputable websites that publish amateur porn generally take steps to ensure they they are not publishing material that features underage girls. Non-reputable ones often find themselves subject to attention from the authorities, although it is an ongoing problem.
posted by His thoughts were red thoughts at 2:27 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Echoing the others that "teen porn" is a genre of legitimate, legal porn involving actors who are over 18. You're still entitled to feel how you feel about it, I just want to stress that this isn't child pornography your husband is seeking out. It's mainstream porn by adults for adults and 100% legal and regulated.
To put this in perspective, think of the hordes of middle aged women who were on "Team Jacob" back when the Twilight movies were a thing. Taylor Lautner was only 16 when those movies came out. The women in "teen porn" are older than that and are adults.
posted by phunniemee at 2:44 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
To put this in perspective, think of the hordes of middle aged women who were on "Team Jacob" back when the Twilight movies were a thing. Taylor Lautner was only 16 when those movies came out. The women in "teen porn" are older than that and are adults.
posted by phunniemee at 2:44 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I'd just like to post - hugs to you. I completely empathise with your reaction to this discovery. Personally, I find it deeply disturbing how porn 'usage' has seemingly become such an accepted practice in society.
In answer to one of your questions, concerning how to cope with this - is there any way you can talk to your husband about this, perhaps when you feel a bit more calm, so the two of you can possibly have a proper discussion about this, and other issues surrounding this in your marriage? He is the only one that can give you any answers; that is, if he feels he can be honest with you.
It's perfectly ok for you to feel this way about porn, too, you don't have to like it or accept that your partner does. That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that your husband has the same view.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
In answer to one of your questions, concerning how to cope with this - is there any way you can talk to your husband about this, perhaps when you feel a bit more calm, so the two of you can possibly have a proper discussion about this, and other issues surrounding this in your marriage? He is the only one that can give you any answers; that is, if he feels he can be honest with you.
It's perfectly ok for you to feel this way about porn, too, you don't have to like it or accept that your partner does. That doesn't mean, unfortunately, that your husband has the same view.
posted by NatalieWood at 3:31 AM on March 11, 2015 [12 favorites]
Teen in porn generally means 18 and 19 year olds. Sometimes slightly older.
The teen porn category is one of the best selling categories of porn, so yes, lots of men go there.
A big part of the attraction (and the sales pitch) for teen porn is not just youth, but also novelty and freshness. Many older porn actresses are jaded, try as they might to act, you can tell these woman are not emotionally there. With many so-called Teen porn stars, you can very much tell this is something new, something exciting and dangerous. That aspect of Teen porn is heavily marketed. It is not uncommon to find a woman clearly in her mid-20s in the Teen category, but she is new to the industry, and her new-ness, excitement, and inexperience carries the "performance".
posted by Flood at 4:01 AM on March 11, 2015
The teen porn category is one of the best selling categories of porn, so yes, lots of men go there.
A big part of the attraction (and the sales pitch) for teen porn is not just youth, but also novelty and freshness. Many older porn actresses are jaded, try as they might to act, you can tell these woman are not emotionally there. With many so-called Teen porn stars, you can very much tell this is something new, something exciting and dangerous. That aspect of Teen porn is heavily marketed. It is not uncommon to find a woman clearly in her mid-20s in the Teen category, but she is new to the industry, and her new-ness, excitement, and inexperience carries the "performance".
posted by Flood at 4:01 AM on March 11, 2015
Mostly answering 3)
People will probably think I'm extreme, but I can definitely empathise with your reaction. I've tried to be the 'cool girl' but I can't see how the fact of looking at porn and the porn people (esp. men) look at says a lot about what they think women and sex are.
Whenever I stumble across mainstream porn it's the horror of recognising and understanding that the sex a lot of men have had with me now makes sense as something completely different than what I thought it was.
I mean I guess it's cool that no actual teens were harmed in the process of making teen porn, but I can't see that men's feeling of entitlement and active seeking out of young girl's bodies won't carry over into most relationships in subtle ways.
This isn't to say all porn is terrible but my impression is that most mainstream stuff is and tbh i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is ok with what's underlying it.
My solution after lots of soul searching is just not to have relationships with men any more. ymmv.
That's probably not what you want so other than that I'd try to watch loads of porn and find stuff I like and get to a place where I can see men's bodies and sexual relationships in the same way men are socialised to consider their right.
posted by ninjablob at 4:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [28 favorites]
People will probably think I'm extreme, but I can definitely empathise with your reaction. I've tried to be the 'cool girl' but I can't see how the fact of looking at porn and the porn people (esp. men) look at says a lot about what they think women and sex are.
Whenever I stumble across mainstream porn it's the horror of recognising and understanding that the sex a lot of men have had with me now makes sense as something completely different than what I thought it was.
I mean I guess it's cool that no actual teens were harmed in the process of making teen porn, but I can't see that men's feeling of entitlement and active seeking out of young girl's bodies won't carry over into most relationships in subtle ways.
This isn't to say all porn is terrible but my impression is that most mainstream stuff is and tbh i wouldn't want to be in a relationship with someone who is ok with what's underlying it.
My solution after lots of soul searching is just not to have relationships with men any more. ymmv.
That's probably not what you want so other than that I'd try to watch loads of porn and find stuff I like and get to a place where I can see men's bodies and sexual relationships in the same way men are socialised to consider their right.
posted by ninjablob at 4:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [28 favorites]
Obviously this advice only really applies if this is a heterosexual relationship, which I shouldn't have assumed- apologies if this isn't the case.
posted by ninjablob at 4:27 AM on March 11, 2015
posted by ninjablob at 4:27 AM on March 11, 2015
Mod note: One comment deleted. Please stick to answering the OP directly with helpful advice rather than making this a discussion/debate with other commenters.
posted by taz (staff) at 4:51 AM on March 11, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 4:51 AM on March 11, 2015
Is it "just" porn or is it teen hookup sites? A man I know was busted in one of those police stings for trying to meet up with a purported teen. He was an engineer who had an excellent job, a wonderful wife, a sweet young kid, and a home. He went to prison for a couple of years and lost it all. Last I knew he was living under a bridge incapable of finding decent work because of his sex offender status. Feel free to tell your husband this very true and very sad story. (Just in case anyone's interested, his wife left town, and is now happily remarried with a new baby.)
posted by mareli at 5:02 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by mareli at 5:02 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Also note that it seems like all porn that isn't described as wife, MILF or granny is tagged teen.
posted by Mitheral at 5:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by Mitheral at 5:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
Also note that it seems like all porn that isn't described as wife, MILF or granny is tagged teen.
Dropped in to say the same thing. "Teen" is pretty meaningless beyond denoting the women are under 30 years old.
Now, if he was viewing things labeled "jb" or "lolli", you might have reason to worry. But, even those tend to be simply legal-aged girls who look frighteningly too-young. Still, if that's what he's looking at, then maybe a talk is in order.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:53 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Dropped in to say the same thing. "Teen" is pretty meaningless beyond denoting the women are under 30 years old.
Now, if he was viewing things labeled "jb" or "lolli", you might have reason to worry. But, even those tend to be simply legal-aged girls who look frighteningly too-young. Still, if that's what he's looking at, then maybe a talk is in order.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:53 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Just to clarify - do you know enough about tech to say whether the videos he watched have "teen" in them versus him searching out "teen" directly? You say that all the videos have "teen" in them, but did you see in the history a, for example, search page or tags page that has "teen"? Because depending on how he accesses his porn, he might not even be choosing to look for "teen", they might just be what come up.
In the interest of a bit more quantitative data, a quick sampling of the current front page of reddit's "pornvids" sub*, where users post links to porn videos. This means a video can have a different description on reddit vs the actual linked video. Ordering is whatever the page shows now:
1. Tagged as teen on reddit
2. No information on reddit about teen vs not-teen, no teen tag on vid, vid is from 'fuckedhard18', so it's a "teen" video.
3. No info on reddit, vid is tagged teen.
4. Tagged as teen on reddit.
5. No info on reddit, no 'teen' tag on vid, vid title is"hot daughter..." so yeah.
6. Tagged as teen on reddit.
7. Tagged as teen on reddit.
8. Tagged as teen on reddit.
9. No reddit info, vid is not tagged teen, no other info.
10. Tagged as teen on reddit.
11. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, vid is foot fetish-specific.
12. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, vid is facial fetish-specific.
13. Tagged as teen on reddit.
14. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid.
15. Tagged as teen on reddit.
16. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, title implies some light bdsm
17. Tagged as teen on reddit.
18. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
19. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
20. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
21. No info on reddit, tagged teen on vid.
22. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
23. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
24. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
25. Tagged as teen on reddit.
So of the current 25 that I see:
10 are tagged teen on reddit
2 additional ones are tagged as teen on the video itself.
2 additional ones beyond that give a strong implication in text that it's a teen/young video.
2 or 3 other ones are specific subculture enough that they might not cater to everyone.
The rest give us no information - this does not imply they're not "teen" videos, just that they're not tagged as such.
Only speaking to your #1 - it would seem that it's a very common term that's been devalued and doesn't mean all that much - I would gently suggest treating it as any other porn. No opinion / judgement on the other questions and I'll defer to better-equipped people for that.
*Not linking directly to it because reddit is a cesspool and I expect their porn community is even worse.
What's the status on the anonymous commenting pony?
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:13 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
In the interest of a bit more quantitative data, a quick sampling of the current front page of reddit's "pornvids" sub*, where users post links to porn videos. This means a video can have a different description on reddit vs the actual linked video. Ordering is whatever the page shows now:
1. Tagged as teen on reddit
2. No information on reddit about teen vs not-teen, no teen tag on vid, vid is from 'fuckedhard18', so it's a "teen" video.
3. No info on reddit, vid is tagged teen.
4. Tagged as teen on reddit.
5. No info on reddit, no 'teen' tag on vid, vid title is"hot daughter..." so yeah.
6. Tagged as teen on reddit.
7. Tagged as teen on reddit.
8. Tagged as teen on reddit.
9. No reddit info, vid is not tagged teen, no other info.
10. Tagged as teen on reddit.
11. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, vid is foot fetish-specific.
12. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, vid is facial fetish-specific.
13. Tagged as teen on reddit.
14. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid.
15. Tagged as teen on reddit.
16. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid, title implies some light bdsm
17. Tagged as teen on reddit.
18. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
19. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
20. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
21. No info on reddit, tagged teen on vid.
22. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
23. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
24. No info on reddit, not tagged teen on vid
25. Tagged as teen on reddit.
So of the current 25 that I see:
10 are tagged teen on reddit
2 additional ones are tagged as teen on the video itself.
2 additional ones beyond that give a strong implication in text that it's a teen/young video.
2 or 3 other ones are specific subculture enough that they might not cater to everyone.
The rest give us no information - this does not imply they're not "teen" videos, just that they're not tagged as such.
Only speaking to your #1 - it would seem that it's a very common term that's been devalued and doesn't mean all that much - I would gently suggest treating it as any other porn. No opinion / judgement on the other questions and I'll defer to better-equipped people for that.
*Not linking directly to it because reddit is a cesspool and I expect their porn community is even worse.
What's the status on the anonymous commenting pony?
posted by Lemurrhea at 6:13 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
Re 4: I'm not an MD, etc, but: SSRIs are a common class of anti-depressant drugs that are known to often have "sexual side-effects", most often "loss of libido". Again, I'm not an MD, but I question whether a doctor would write you a prescription for this kind of drug with the intent of making you non-sexual. For one thing, I do not think that withdrawing from the reality of the situation is a healthy way to deal with it.
There are many websites out there that purport to provide support for people in your position. I have little experience with any of them, but I've glanced at a few. If you are looking to the Internet for support on this issue, I would be very careful about examining them for hidden (or, typically, not-so-hidden) agendas, as it looks like many of these sites are more interested in pushing their own flavor of religion, anti-porn sentiment, "porn-addiction" treatment, the site-owner's new book, etc, than they are in sincerely helping people such as yourself.
Do you have a close, trusted friend that you can talk to about this?
One final thing: you seem quite upset by discovering this porn. But is your reaction to just the porn? Or are there other relationship issues, and the porn happens to be the one that "broke the camel's back"? I do not mean to second guess you - just - don't let this porn thing obscure any other, possibly deeper, issues in your relationship.
posted by doctor tough love at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2015
There are many websites out there that purport to provide support for people in your position. I have little experience with any of them, but I've glanced at a few. If you are looking to the Internet for support on this issue, I would be very careful about examining them for hidden (or, typically, not-so-hidden) agendas, as it looks like many of these sites are more interested in pushing their own flavor of religion, anti-porn sentiment, "porn-addiction" treatment, the site-owner's new book, etc, than they are in sincerely helping people such as yourself.
Do you have a close, trusted friend that you can talk to about this?
One final thing: you seem quite upset by discovering this porn. But is your reaction to just the porn? Or are there other relationship issues, and the porn happens to be the one that "broke the camel's back"? I do not mean to second guess you - just - don't let this porn thing obscure any other, possibly deeper, issues in your relationship.
posted by doctor tough love at 6:22 AM on March 11, 2015
I wondered if you would have felt this way if it was a different type of porn, or your revulsion and sadness was because of the 'teen' label in particular?
Either way, before resorting to anti-depressants to kill your libido, perhaps you could take some time to unpack why you feel this way?
Do you feel porn is wrong? If so, why? Do you have a problem with the ethics of the industry, or the thought of your husband looking at someone else? Did your husband lie to you about his porn use? Do you have teen daughters, which is why it make you uncomfortable? Or are you feeling insecure about your desirability?
Whatever it is, I would really try investigate why exactly you feel this way. The closer you can get to the crux of the problem, the easier it will be to work this out with your husband. You are obviously incredibly hurt but people's thoughts about porn can be influenced by so many things, and if you're vague about why this has distressed you so much, it will be really hard to come up with a solution.
You can reflect on this by yourself, or you can try writing down your feelings. If you'd prefer to discuss it and can't go to a councillor, perhaps you could ask a sympathetic girlfriend to talk this over with you.
As for resources, I suggest you look up the sex advice writer and podcaster Dan Savage, , who writes and talks a lot about porn- often in response to questions from people in similar situations to you. He is very irreverent and rather blunt, but very empathetic and I think you might find his perspective interesting.
I hope you feel better soon.
posted by Dwardles at 6:24 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Either way, before resorting to anti-depressants to kill your libido, perhaps you could take some time to unpack why you feel this way?
Do you feel porn is wrong? If so, why? Do you have a problem with the ethics of the industry, or the thought of your husband looking at someone else? Did your husband lie to you about his porn use? Do you have teen daughters, which is why it make you uncomfortable? Or are you feeling insecure about your desirability?
Whatever it is, I would really try investigate why exactly you feel this way. The closer you can get to the crux of the problem, the easier it will be to work this out with your husband. You are obviously incredibly hurt but people's thoughts about porn can be influenced by so many things, and if you're vague about why this has distressed you so much, it will be really hard to come up with a solution.
You can reflect on this by yourself, or you can try writing down your feelings. If you'd prefer to discuss it and can't go to a councillor, perhaps you could ask a sympathetic girlfriend to talk this over with you.
As for resources, I suggest you look up the sex advice writer and podcaster Dan Savage, , who writes and talks a lot about porn- often in response to questions from people in similar situations to you. He is very irreverent and rather blunt, but very empathetic and I think you might find his perspective interesting.
I hope you feel better soon.
posted by Dwardles at 6:24 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Everyone's jumping all over the "teen" thing you asked about, but in terms of the visceral reactions you're talking about I wonder if you partly buried the lede (I added the bolded emphasis):
how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I'm wondering if a big part of the hurt and alienation might come from from wondering if your husband solely desires/eroticizes/has made a part of his (fantasy) sexual life the kind of women who don't at all resemble you physically (i.e. I'm guessing you're not in your late teens or early 20s). One of the reasons therapy is helpful (and may be behind your instinct to seek out forums and even post this question) is that it can tease out a complicated mess of emotions into more defined concerns:
--Are you worried your husband is fantasizing about women much younger than you when he's having sex with you? Does this violate your idea of monogamous intimacy? How much sex are you having now? Are you concerned he's spending more time masturbating to porn of younger women instead of having sex with you? Do these thoughts press insecurity buttons that are socially installed in every woman who is lucky enough to live past her "beauty prime" of 45/35/25?
--Are you upset (power imbalance?) that you're still attracted to your husband (hence the question about "libido killing drugs"), but he's no longer physically attracted to you or women of your age/type, and is just "using" you, whatever that means to you, during intercourse?
Folks here have done a good job at pointing out that "teen porn" isn't illegal or even an unusual genre. I wonder if you'd be getting more complete answers to some of your other concerns if the question had been:
"I just discovered my husband's porn stash and it's exclusively of women who are 100 pounds thinner/heavier/or of a different race than I am. At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the women in the videos) with this man."
posted by blue suede stockings at 7:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I'm wondering if a big part of the hurt and alienation might come from from wondering if your husband solely desires/eroticizes/has made a part of his (fantasy) sexual life the kind of women who don't at all resemble you physically (i.e. I'm guessing you're not in your late teens or early 20s). One of the reasons therapy is helpful (and may be behind your instinct to seek out forums and even post this question) is that it can tease out a complicated mess of emotions into more defined concerns:
--Are you worried your husband is fantasizing about women much younger than you when he's having sex with you? Does this violate your idea of monogamous intimacy? How much sex are you having now? Are you concerned he's spending more time masturbating to porn of younger women instead of having sex with you? Do these thoughts press insecurity buttons that are socially installed in every woman who is lucky enough to live past her "beauty prime" of 45/35/25?
--Are you upset (power imbalance?) that you're still attracted to your husband (hence the question about "libido killing drugs"), but he's no longer physically attracted to you or women of your age/type, and is just "using" you, whatever that means to you, during intercourse?
Folks here have done a good job at pointing out that "teen porn" isn't illegal or even an unusual genre. I wonder if you'd be getting more complete answers to some of your other concerns if the question had been:
"I just discovered my husband's porn stash and it's exclusively of women who are 100 pounds thinner/heavier/or of a different race than I am. At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the women in the videos) with this man."
posted by blue suede stockings at 7:11 AM on March 11, 2015 [14 favorites]
I'm just going to comment about the reversion to porn in general. You need to figure out what you're okay with and what you're not. It's okay to not be cool with porn. To me, that should be a discussion between any two people entering a romantic and sexual relationship. Porn is part of sex, and it's a part you can be okay with, enjoy, be part of, or not like.
I don't like porn. I don't like the idea of the person I'm with enjoying porn. It's just not my thing. The closest I've come to personally enjoying porn is the erotic comic I possibly stumble across. Luckily, my husband shares the same views on porn. If he didn't feel the same way, I would find ourselves sexually incompatible!
Discuss this with him, but find the root of your feelings first. Be calm, don't blame him. Porn in general is a normal part of sex, but it's okay if it's not your thing and you feel uncomfortable with someone engaging in it. You need a plan for what you want out of the conversation as well. Would a certain type of porn be okay? Is it the level of consumption? What about erotic illustrations or animations? What if you make your own porn or sexy photos?
posted by Crystalinne at 7:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
I don't like porn. I don't like the idea of the person I'm with enjoying porn. It's just not my thing. The closest I've come to personally enjoying porn is the erotic comic I possibly stumble across. Luckily, my husband shares the same views on porn. If he didn't feel the same way, I would find ourselves sexually incompatible!
Discuss this with him, but find the root of your feelings first. Be calm, don't blame him. Porn in general is a normal part of sex, but it's okay if it's not your thing and you feel uncomfortable with someone engaging in it. You need a plan for what you want out of the conversation as well. Would a certain type of porn be okay? Is it the level of consumption? What about erotic illustrations or animations? What if you make your own porn or sexy photos?
posted by Crystalinne at 7:18 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
But antidepressants affect people in very different ways, and reducing libido is not all that common (Often it increases.)
I just wanted to point out that this is factually incorrect. Reduced libido is one of the most commonly reported side effects from SSRIs, the most commonly prescribed type of anti-depressant.
The part of your question about taking a med to kill your libido makes me very sad. I think people should find relief where they can, but I would really urge you to reconsider this type of use of meds. Talking about why you feel like that's the best option is a much better idea, I think.
posted by OmieWise at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I just wanted to point out that this is factually incorrect. Reduced libido is one of the most commonly reported side effects from SSRIs, the most commonly prescribed type of anti-depressant.
The part of your question about taking a med to kill your libido makes me very sad. I think people should find relief where they can, but I would really urge you to reconsider this type of use of meds. Talking about why you feel like that's the best option is a much better idea, I think.
posted by OmieWise at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
Check your health insurance, you might find that a therapist isn't as unaffordable as you think. Your insurance card may show the co-pay amount you pay for 'OV' and 'BT''. The latter stands for Behavioral Therapy and my co-pay, for example, is just $40 (for an in-network provider). Typically you need weekly sessions, but you could arrange to see the therapist less frequently.
posted by Dragonness at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by Dragonness at 7:30 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
How common or uncommon is it for men who look at porn to look at 'teen' porn?
The thing is, "teen" is such a ubiquitous term these days that even a casual porn skim will end up with a browser history full of "teen" porn, unless you are actively and purposefully trying to avoid it, and probably not even then. Especially if someone's finding it via online aggregator sites (like PornHub or XVideos) or forums. Tons of stuff there gets labeled/categorized/key-worded/tagged/renamed "teen" something, even when the original producers make no mention of the performers' ages, even when the original producers are totally open about the performers being mid-20's or older.
So the word "teen" is pretty much useless as any kind of signifier that your husband (or anyone else) is truly interested in watching porn featuring actual teenagers, especially teenagers under 18.
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido
IANAD, but I can't imagine any ethical doctor would do this, no. Not without some long-established history of your libido causing you problems totally unconnected to your husband's porn usage.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change
Given your above question about using anti-depressants to shut down your libido, I would gently suggest that you could benefit from some solo counseling or therapy before diving into marriage or couples counseling. As blue suede stockings says above, part of the point of therapy is to help sort out and clarify tangled messes of emotions and reactions, so being able to have a better grasp of what's going on in your own head would be very useful as you bring up the subject in discussion with your husband.
And lots of therapists and counsellors will work on a sliding scale or with payment plans, so please don't assume you can't afford it.
posted by soundguy99 at 7:33 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
The thing is, "teen" is such a ubiquitous term these days that even a casual porn skim will end up with a browser history full of "teen" porn, unless you are actively and purposefully trying to avoid it, and probably not even then. Especially if someone's finding it via online aggregator sites (like PornHub or XVideos) or forums. Tons of stuff there gets labeled/categorized/key-worded/tagged/renamed "teen" something, even when the original producers make no mention of the performers' ages, even when the original producers are totally open about the performers being mid-20's or older.
So the word "teen" is pretty much useless as any kind of signifier that your husband (or anyone else) is truly interested in watching porn featuring actual teenagers, especially teenagers under 18.
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido
IANAD, but I can't imagine any ethical doctor would do this, no. Not without some long-established history of your libido causing you problems totally unconnected to your husband's porn usage.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change
Given your above question about using anti-depressants to shut down your libido, I would gently suggest that you could benefit from some solo counseling or therapy before diving into marriage or couples counseling. As blue suede stockings says above, part of the point of therapy is to help sort out and clarify tangled messes of emotions and reactions, so being able to have a better grasp of what's going on in your own head would be very useful as you bring up the subject in discussion with your husband.
And lots of therapists and counsellors will work on a sliding scale or with payment plans, so please don't assume you can't afford it.
posted by soundguy99 at 7:33 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I can identify with your feelings upon discovering your husband's porn habits (with or without the "teen" modifier, which I think has been explained well already.) I just want to offer some support and tell you that you're not crazy or prudish or a bad person for having an emotional reaction to learning about what your sexual partner does with his alone time.
I don't like porn. I have thought long and hard about it and try to be understanding with partners in their use of it. I have examined my feelings, with and without therapists, and they are varied. It's about jealousy, it's about feeling like I can't possibly measure up, it's about wondering if our sex life is lacking, it's about not liking the idea that a person's urges can be so strong that they'd support an industry that is by and large pretty vile. I mean, upthread someone explained the "teen" thing as essentially being the women that aren't visibly dead inside yet. So we're all just cool with an industry that does this to performers? And I'm supposed to be okay with my life partner, the person I love most in the world, also being complicit in that? There is sex-positive and feminist porn out there, but I honestly don't think your average dude makes much of an effort to find it. I hate this whole culture of porn being normal and not liking it means you're a prude, and I hate that it makes me honestly respect men less. I don't want to be a misandrist, but on this subject I skirt the line.
My best attempt at dealing with it personally is to just pretend it doesn't happen. I know my partner looks at porn. I just try not to think about it, and remind myself that what I have to offer is more than my body, and he doesn't have to be with me yet he still chooses to be.
My advice, given with so much empathy and concern, is two-fold: one, the intensity of your feelings will fade over time. I assume this happened recently. You will grieve a little for your own naiveté and for who you thought your husband was, but try to remember that you are still the same couple and in many ways things will settle back to normal. Don't make any rash decisions right now. Two, my emotional reaction to this stuff is way worse when I am feeling unstable or unsure in the relationship or my life overall. If there are any other issues in your relationship or life making you feel this way, work on them, talk about them. The stronger you feel as a couple the easier it will be for you to work your way through this. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 7:39 AM on March 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
I don't like porn. I have thought long and hard about it and try to be understanding with partners in their use of it. I have examined my feelings, with and without therapists, and they are varied. It's about jealousy, it's about feeling like I can't possibly measure up, it's about wondering if our sex life is lacking, it's about not liking the idea that a person's urges can be so strong that they'd support an industry that is by and large pretty vile. I mean, upthread someone explained the "teen" thing as essentially being the women that aren't visibly dead inside yet. So we're all just cool with an industry that does this to performers? And I'm supposed to be okay with my life partner, the person I love most in the world, also being complicit in that? There is sex-positive and feminist porn out there, but I honestly don't think your average dude makes much of an effort to find it. I hate this whole culture of porn being normal and not liking it means you're a prude, and I hate that it makes me honestly respect men less. I don't want to be a misandrist, but on this subject I skirt the line.
My best attempt at dealing with it personally is to just pretend it doesn't happen. I know my partner looks at porn. I just try not to think about it, and remind myself that what I have to offer is more than my body, and he doesn't have to be with me yet he still chooses to be.
My advice, given with so much empathy and concern, is two-fold: one, the intensity of your feelings will fade over time. I assume this happened recently. You will grieve a little for your own naiveté and for who you thought your husband was, but try to remember that you are still the same couple and in many ways things will settle back to normal. Don't make any rash decisions right now. Two, my emotional reaction to this stuff is way worse when I am feeling unstable or unsure in the relationship or my life overall. If there are any other issues in your relationship or life making you feel this way, work on them, talk about them. The stronger you feel as a couple the easier it will be for you to work your way through this. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 7:39 AM on March 11, 2015 [19 favorites]
Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido, if so, which one is the best at doing this? At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change.
That's a massive and strange reaction. You can't not afford counseling. Call around, some offer sliding scale payments for low income clients or see if there's a church that offers free relationship counseling (including Unitarian Universalist if you lean atheist/agnostic). Referring to your husband as "this man" suggests that your relationship is in deep trouble; if your reaction to this is going to be to stop having sex with him, that will damage it even further. You don't owe him intimacy or sex, but stopping it is likely to be a nail in the coffin of the relationship. It nothing else, he'd likely look at more porn than usual as a result.
I'd also suggest you go to the Askwomen and TwoX Chromosomes subreddits and search for porn discussions - you'll find some examples of women discussing how they worked through negative feelings about porn.
@blue suede stockings is correct that the teen part is pointing a lot of the discussion in the wrong direction - you and he need to come to an understanding of why you are reacting to porn use this way, whether it's porn in general or pictures of young skinny women specifically that are bothering you, why he views porn and what he feels about it, whether there's other issues and this is just the tip of the iceberg, and where you're going to go from here. Having a neutral third party that's trained in helping people relate is a big help in this process.
posted by Candleman at 8:38 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change.
That's a massive and strange reaction. You can't not afford counseling. Call around, some offer sliding scale payments for low income clients or see if there's a church that offers free relationship counseling (including Unitarian Universalist if you lean atheist/agnostic). Referring to your husband as "this man" suggests that your relationship is in deep trouble; if your reaction to this is going to be to stop having sex with him, that will damage it even further. You don't owe him intimacy or sex, but stopping it is likely to be a nail in the coffin of the relationship. It nothing else, he'd likely look at more porn than usual as a result.
I'd also suggest you go to the Askwomen and TwoX Chromosomes subreddits and search for porn discussions - you'll find some examples of women discussing how they worked through negative feelings about porn.
@blue suede stockings is correct that the teen part is pointing a lot of the discussion in the wrong direction - you and he need to come to an understanding of why you are reacting to porn use this way, whether it's porn in general or pictures of young skinny women specifically that are bothering you, why he views porn and what he feels about it, whether there's other issues and this is just the tip of the iceberg, and where you're going to go from here. Having a neutral third party that's trained in helping people relate is a big help in this process.
posted by Candleman at 8:38 AM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
I don't really have any advice except like a few others to say I can relate to having a strong emotional response to finding your husband porn and I like porn & watch porn of many different sorts myself, more so than my partner. The difference is my husband knows, I know a few certain things bother him so I don't watch that sort anymore, I try to include him, invite him to come join me and he does the same. The idea of him doing something of a sexual nature & not including me in some way, even to let me know it was occurring would feel like a betrayal, if he is keeping something that relates to such an important part of your relationship together, your sex life, a secret what else is a lie sort of feeling. Add to that that I'm older than my husband the whole idea of him looking up "teen" porn in secret, which implies he would prefer younger people and I would be devastated and angry. Because when you are married it becomes "our" sex life not yours & his sex life.
I heard a Dr Ruth radio show once and she said something along the lines of, it's Ok to want to take the fantasy bus to a new destination once in a while, but you better make sure your partner is on the bus somewhere too if you want a strong relationship. If after the reassurances that looking at teen porn doesn't' mean pedophilia, if you are still angry & "squirked" out I suspect that the main cause of your anger is that you feel alienated from your husband desires and that's something you are going to have to talk to him about, and if you are uncomfortable doing that then I would really recommend you find a couples therapist. While he may or may not have a "right" to watch porn, the fact that it makes you so uncomfortable is something he needs to know so he can take that into consideration.
posted by wwax at 8:42 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I heard a Dr Ruth radio show once and she said something along the lines of, it's Ok to want to take the fantasy bus to a new destination once in a while, but you better make sure your partner is on the bus somewhere too if you want a strong relationship. If after the reassurances that looking at teen porn doesn't' mean pedophilia, if you are still angry & "squirked" out I suspect that the main cause of your anger is that you feel alienated from your husband desires and that's something you are going to have to talk to him about, and if you are uncomfortable doing that then I would really recommend you find a couples therapist. While he may or may not have a "right" to watch porn, the fact that it makes you so uncomfortable is something he needs to know so he can take that into consideration.
posted by wwax at 8:42 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
"I'd also suggest you go to the Askwomen and TwoX Chromosomes subreddits and search for porn discussions..."I would recommend against doing that. Ironically, one would not find a productive discussion about porn occurring amongst women on those websites -- maybe on AskWomen, but certainly not on 2XC, which is a Reddit default. Try SRSWomen.
posted by theraflu at 9:00 AM on March 11, 2015 [3 favorites]
There is a dissonance in liberal society around porn, because there is this well-entrenched equation of criticizing porn or feeling negative about porn use with censorship and/or repressing sexuality. So it's often a bumpy thing to discuss and you will usually find people saying "well, almost all men do this" (watch & seek out porn) "and lots of women do it too, so it's unreasonable to expect your partner will not, and you need to be more open-minded and less prudish about it". As well, many people do this sort of black-and-white "it's fantasy - you can't regulate fantasy; it's consensual, they got paid for it, plenty of women *like* working in the sex industry, being negative about porn in any way is slut-shaming the workers", etc.
But there are a lot of issues around mainstream porn use (I will focus on heterosexual, relatively vanilla porn) which encompass many feminist concerns such as women viewed as sexual objects, treatment of women in the industry and in the scripts/arrangement of the videos themselves, what these videos depict about sexuality & how plenty of men (and women) absorb their (often incorrect) ideas about human sexuality (and therefore model their own sexual expression on what they've learned through porn), how to treat partners, how to treat women, how women want to be treated, etc. through ongoing exposure to mainstream porn.
Many men who use porn are doing it because they were exposed to the idea from a young age that this is normal for men and this is okay for men to do. Everything else in society reinforces this, after all - the way women are treated in media, in advertisements, as sexual objects, as second-class citizens under a patriarchy - and of course, in a patriarchy it's all set up to enable male POVs of sex, what men want, what men are interested in. Most porn is simply no different because it is produced in a society that values male desires and ideas over women's.
If this is directly pointed out most people become very uncomfortable. They don't want to feel what they consume (and therefore by implication, their desires) might be problematic. Yet porn requires actual human beings to perform it in a way that erotic stories or other methods of sexual stimulation do not (much like prostitution). And with women's second-class status in society, this ends up being ripe for exploitation. Men get used to, essentially, using women's bodies, and women get used to being used, and because this is all we've ever known we don't think to question it too deeply - it's just the way things are.
So - first, yes, the "teen" label. Everyone has told you this is very widespread and it is mostly not teenagers, therefore it is legal. But there is that disturbing feeling of - why is the idea of such young women so valued? You are okay to feel unhappy about that. And the implication in one of the answers above - because these are fresh, new faces, who are not dead-eyed and going through the motions - that is so unpleasant to consider, but it is probably true. Many men want so much to believe in this fantasy that the women who perform enjoy it, but honestly, it's just a job for almost all of them, and they do it because they get paid. The idea that young, new women will be more enthusiastic and less jaded about this exploitation - yuck.
The overarching narratives in our society right now are that "everyone knows men watch porn, and women just have to deal with it even if they don't like it, so just leave him alone & don't ask about it" or "everyone knows men watch porn, and liberated women are into it too if they really admit it, so you should try to find some stuff you're comfortable watching together". Neither narrative handles "but I don't think it is okay to support the mainstream industry or the ideas about women and sexuality that it perpetuates" but there are definitely people who feel that way. There is nothing wrong with being thoughtful or thinking about the impact of your decisions on society through the ideas and media you consume.
It is disturbing to think the person you love may not value women, and therefore you, in the way you would like him to. As uncomfortable as it may be, I think this is very important to discuss with your partner. He may not have really thought about the implications of his porn use, or seeking out "teen" porn, or what it means to you & how it makes you feel. He may feel defensive, he might get angry, but you are allowed to feel how you feel as well. I think it is okay to make this a dealbreaker, but you should communicate your feelings and reasoning to him because it is important for both of you to have the kind of relationship you want and a partner who is compatible with you.
Wanting to suppress your libido with anti-depressants hurts my heart to read but I understand how you feel. It has been very hard for me as an open-minded, sexually adventurous, desiring-to-please woman to move from expressing myself as a "cool girl" (down with & okay with men's desires) to realizing I can still be all of those things without supporting frameworks I am uncomfortable with, that indirectly & directly oppress me as a woman. I think there are ways to create porn that are not oppressive but I don't know we're quite there yet, collectively.
However, it is clear to me that there are huge problems with mainstream porn and mainstream heterosexual relations in this society. This is hard to operate within as a bi woman in a long-term relationship with a man. I so understand wanting to just disconnect my libido while navigating all of this yuckiness with all the implications it implies about a gender I desire & how that gender views my gender. But I know this can't be the answer; the answer is therapy if you have nowhere else you can discuss these things; clear, honest, open and ongoing communication with your partner; and reading, thinking, exploring these issues so you can see what you identify with, what you don't, and arguments and exploration of how things are & how things should be.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
posted by flex at 9:08 AM on March 11, 2015 [41 favorites]
But there are a lot of issues around mainstream porn use (I will focus on heterosexual, relatively vanilla porn) which encompass many feminist concerns such as women viewed as sexual objects, treatment of women in the industry and in the scripts/arrangement of the videos themselves, what these videos depict about sexuality & how plenty of men (and women) absorb their (often incorrect) ideas about human sexuality (and therefore model their own sexual expression on what they've learned through porn), how to treat partners, how to treat women, how women want to be treated, etc. through ongoing exposure to mainstream porn.
Many men who use porn are doing it because they were exposed to the idea from a young age that this is normal for men and this is okay for men to do. Everything else in society reinforces this, after all - the way women are treated in media, in advertisements, as sexual objects, as second-class citizens under a patriarchy - and of course, in a patriarchy it's all set up to enable male POVs of sex, what men want, what men are interested in. Most porn is simply no different because it is produced in a society that values male desires and ideas over women's.
If this is directly pointed out most people become very uncomfortable. They don't want to feel what they consume (and therefore by implication, their desires) might be problematic. Yet porn requires actual human beings to perform it in a way that erotic stories or other methods of sexual stimulation do not (much like prostitution). And with women's second-class status in society, this ends up being ripe for exploitation. Men get used to, essentially, using women's bodies, and women get used to being used, and because this is all we've ever known we don't think to question it too deeply - it's just the way things are.
So - first, yes, the "teen" label. Everyone has told you this is very widespread and it is mostly not teenagers, therefore it is legal. But there is that disturbing feeling of - why is the idea of such young women so valued? You are okay to feel unhappy about that. And the implication in one of the answers above - because these are fresh, new faces, who are not dead-eyed and going through the motions - that is so unpleasant to consider, but it is probably true. Many men want so much to believe in this fantasy that the women who perform enjoy it, but honestly, it's just a job for almost all of them, and they do it because they get paid. The idea that young, new women will be more enthusiastic and less jaded about this exploitation - yuck.
The overarching narratives in our society right now are that "everyone knows men watch porn, and women just have to deal with it even if they don't like it, so just leave him alone & don't ask about it" or "everyone knows men watch porn, and liberated women are into it too if they really admit it, so you should try to find some stuff you're comfortable watching together". Neither narrative handles "but I don't think it is okay to support the mainstream industry or the ideas about women and sexuality that it perpetuates" but there are definitely people who feel that way. There is nothing wrong with being thoughtful or thinking about the impact of your decisions on society through the ideas and media you consume.
It is disturbing to think the person you love may not value women, and therefore you, in the way you would like him to. As uncomfortable as it may be, I think this is very important to discuss with your partner. He may not have really thought about the implications of his porn use, or seeking out "teen" porn, or what it means to you & how it makes you feel. He may feel defensive, he might get angry, but you are allowed to feel how you feel as well. I think it is okay to make this a dealbreaker, but you should communicate your feelings and reasoning to him because it is important for both of you to have the kind of relationship you want and a partner who is compatible with you.
Wanting to suppress your libido with anti-depressants hurts my heart to read but I understand how you feel. It has been very hard for me as an open-minded, sexually adventurous, desiring-to-please woman to move from expressing myself as a "cool girl" (down with & okay with men's desires) to realizing I can still be all of those things without supporting frameworks I am uncomfortable with, that indirectly & directly oppress me as a woman. I think there are ways to create porn that are not oppressive but I don't know we're quite there yet, collectively.
However, it is clear to me that there are huge problems with mainstream porn and mainstream heterosexual relations in this society. This is hard to operate within as a bi woman in a long-term relationship with a man. I so understand wanting to just disconnect my libido while navigating all of this yuckiness with all the implications it implies about a gender I desire & how that gender views my gender. But I know this can't be the answer; the answer is therapy if you have nowhere else you can discuss these things; clear, honest, open and ongoing communication with your partner; and reading, thinking, exploring these issues so you can see what you identify with, what you don't, and arguments and exploration of how things are & how things should be.
Best of luck and my thoughts are with you.
posted by flex at 9:08 AM on March 11, 2015 [41 favorites]
certainly not on 2XC
Being default is relatively recent - there's still several good conversations about it on the first page of search results there.
posted by Candleman at 9:11 AM on March 11, 2015
Being default is relatively recent - there's still several good conversations about it on the first page of search results there.
posted by Candleman at 9:11 AM on March 11, 2015
I have had the situation with a past partner where I discovered some of their self-gratifying behavior online and it made me uncomfortable. (In my case he was engaging in anonymous sexy IRC chats with strangers.) What I did was first take some time to sort out my feelings -- why was I bothered by it? how did it make me feel? -- and then we sat down and talked about it in a calm and loving manner.
It doesn't sound like you've talked to your husband, and once you've had some time to process this discovery I highly recommend it. Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how you feel, why it bothered you, and hopefully you two can work out an agreement in regards to porn consumption so there are no more nasty surprises for anyone.
And for what it's worth I know my current partner looks at porn but I too would be squicked out to discover that was all teen stuff. Just because it's common doesn't mean that you have to just put up with it, but you DO need to talk to your husband about it.
posted by jess at 10:02 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
It doesn't sound like you've talked to your husband, and once you've had some time to process this discovery I highly recommend it. Don't accuse him of anything, just tell him how you feel, why it bothered you, and hopefully you two can work out an agreement in regards to porn consumption so there are no more nasty surprises for anyone.
And for what it's worth I know my current partner looks at porn but I too would be squicked out to discover that was all teen stuff. Just because it's common doesn't mean that you have to just put up with it, but you DO need to talk to your husband about it.
posted by jess at 10:02 AM on March 11, 2015 [1 favorite]
I'll leave the "teen" porn aspect alone as I think it's been well-addressed above.
However, this:
How does one cope with feelings of anger, nausea, revulsion, emotional shutdown, and deep depression that come in response to this information about one’s spouse?
and this:
At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido
seem to indicate that there's much more happening than just wanting clarification about whether a very popular and somewhat poorly named porn genre is problematic or legal. Do you have some sexual trauma that has remained unaddressed? Do you and your husband communicate about sexuality and your sexual life together well? Do you feel safe with him? I know that you said that you can't consider therapy right now, but I urge you to reconsider. Your wanting to wipe out your libido in response to looking at your husband's porn habits is a very strong and very personalized reaction and I think you'd benefit from sorting through what's behind this with a professional.
posted by quince at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
However, this:
How does one cope with feelings of anger, nausea, revulsion, emotional shutdown, and deep depression that come in response to this information about one’s spouse?
and this:
At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido
seem to indicate that there's much more happening than just wanting clarification about whether a very popular and somewhat poorly named porn genre is problematic or legal. Do you have some sexual trauma that has remained unaddressed? Do you and your husband communicate about sexuality and your sexual life together well? Do you feel safe with him? I know that you said that you can't consider therapy right now, but I urge you to reconsider. Your wanting to wipe out your libido in response to looking at your husband's porn habits is a very strong and very personalized reaction and I think you'd benefit from sorting through what's behind this with a professional.
posted by quince at 10:15 AM on March 11, 2015 [4 favorites]
Mod note: This is an answer from an anonymous commenter.
I empathize with you a lot. This is a possibly huge and longstanding part of your husband's sex life that you have been completely excluded from even knowing about, and by virtue of the age (and possibly other physical characteristics of the actresses), excluded from even as an object of desire.posted by cortex (staff) at 10:21 AM on March 11, 2015 [6 favorites]
I do think that adults are entitled to some sexual privacy. But a mature, loving adult will be thoughtful about how they use that, and the messages it sends to their partner, and will be able to have a productive (if hard) conversation about it with you.
My personal thoughts are that to some extent our sexual fantasies may be, if not hard wired, at least so deeply embedded that it's hurtful to fight to change them. But I also believe that what we see is what we want. It's no coincidence that the models of beauty most often held up in public view (tv, movies, ads, etc) are considered more universally desirable. I found for myself that despite having some pretty hard-wired (or so it feels) sexual preferences, a lot of them were much more open to change than I expected. For example, I'm white, grew up mostly surrounded by other white people and seeing them on TV, and growing up, basically all of my crushes were on white boys/men. Now I've lived in much more diverse settings for big parts of my life, and I find that there are men from many more physical phenotypes that I find wildly attractive. Also, I was overweight for my teens and thought I was unattractive (I am still of a similar weight, though it changes, but less surrounded by skinny post growth spurt teenagers). I subscribed to this magazine, I think called Mode, for plus size fashion, and it so much helped me see my own and other's bodies as beautiful even if they didn't fit the conventional mold.
So what I'm saying is that I think a loving partner who believes that visual pornography is an important part of his private sex life should at least be open to trying out finding porn that features people who are similar in age and figure to their partner's type - models of beauty/attraction that their partner would find affirming rather than alienating (maybe their partner's age and older as real life people are aging), and making that at least a significant chunk of their porn material. That seems like it would be a really reasonable effort toward a hot sex life with the person they presumably find super hot.
I think there's a lot of social baggage around porn and many men have been kind of conditioned to believe that it is a cordoned off part of their lives, that they compartmentalize for themselves in addition to for their female partners (I think default dynamics may be different for male relationships), that *ought* to be secret, or at least hidden from their partners, and where they don't need to apply, and perhaps actively oughtn't to apply, values and goals from the rest of their lives. That's frustrating but if that's how your husband feels, it's probably because he's been implicitly taught to feel that way and it will probably take some time for him to be able to change that.
I guess I think that if your husband is in other ways really a good man, this might be a way in which he's been a 'victim' of the patriarchy (in a way that victimizes you too), and I hope that he might be open to talking and thinking about it with you, to making more explicit and thoughtful choices about the parts of his private sexual life he really *needs* to keep private from you (which I think you will be more likely be able to healthily accommodate if you are feeling respected, heard, and desired), and to exploring ways to make his porn use supportive of his sex life and desire for you, whether or not it becomes a shared pursuit.
As far as anti-depressants, I hear you on that too. For a while I was in a relationship with a man with a meaningfully lower sex drive than I had (though the sex was great when it happened), and I really thought that if the relationship had lasted I would have sought out libido-suppressants to help make us more even. I would be mega pissed if doctors who happily provide libido-supressing scripts for depression would have denied them to me in this area that would really impact my quality of life.
That said, in your case, it seems like it would be preferable (as it is for many people using anti-depressants for more conventional purposes) to combine the physical treatment with therapy or at least some other pursuits that will give you the head space to move forward with yourself and your husband emotionally.
I really liked blue suede stockings suggestion, "Are you upset (power imbalance?) that you're still attracted to your husband (hence the question about "libido killing drugs"), but he's no longer physically attracted to you or women of your age/type, and is just "using" you, whatever that means to you, during intercourse?"
It makes sense that your instinct, after this discover, would be to withdraw from him. But if you think that he is really a good person and a good match for you, I think it would be more beneficial to take (careful, thoughtful) steps closer towards him, sharing your feelings with him and asking him to share his with you (the opposite of excluding you from his secret porn stash). A therapist could help you frame the conversation by giving you space to vent the heat of your feelings and figure out how to talk to him in a way that is both honest to your feelings but has the best chance for him to let down his guard and really listen and participate with you.
Good luck! I think you have got a lot of, 'what's the big deal, this is what men do,' here, and I'm sorry to see that. I want to validate your feelings, which I empathize with, that I think are entirely valid and linked to really genuine concerns about your relationship and your husband's values and choices.
Given your above question about using anti-depressants to shut down your libido, I would ... suggest that you could benefit from some solo counseling... before diving into marriage counseling
This is my thought, too, except I edited out the word gently, which to my mind has turned into the "bless your heart" of internet speech.
There is a saying in the self-help group I go to: "If it's hysterical, it's historical."
Meaning, if your freakout level about pretty much anything is above a 5 or 6 on a scale of 10, there's probably a reason for it from your past. I think it would make sense to talk to someone to sort out what's historical and then you'll know what you need to do about the here and now. Otherwise, if you're like me, your panic/knee jerk reactions will do more damage and you'll end up needing to sort THAT out later, too, which sucks.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
This is my thought, too, except I edited out the word gently, which to my mind has turned into the "bless your heart" of internet speech.
There is a saying in the self-help group I go to: "If it's hysterical, it's historical."
Meaning, if your freakout level about pretty much anything is above a 5 or 6 on a scale of 10, there's probably a reason for it from your past. I think it would make sense to talk to someone to sort out what's historical and then you'll know what you need to do about the here and now. Otherwise, if you're like me, your panic/knee jerk reactions will do more damage and you'll end up needing to sort THAT out later, too, which sucks.
posted by small_ruminant at 10:23 AM on March 11, 2015 [5 favorites]
I understand why you are feeling revulsion for "teen" porn. Yeah, it might be considered vanilla, it might be the 2nd biggest object for straight men or what have you, but for a lot of women - you are not alone - it is fucking creepy to find out that the 30-40-50 year old men of our acquaintance are looking to fantasize about having sex with 18-19 year olds. It's not just about the legality or lack thereof, it's about knowing how immature girls actually are at that age and being squicked by the idea that this adult, mature person kind of secretly wishes that he could be having sex with someone that you consider effectively still a child. I myself have had this reaction sometimes with some guys. Your feelings are definitely valid and not completely uncommon.
posted by corb at 12:27 PM on March 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
posted by corb at 12:27 PM on March 11, 2015 [18 favorites]
Your feelings are definitely valid and not completely uncommon.
I completely agree with this. BUT... as other people have pointed out, it doesn't necessarily mean someone ACTUALLY wants to have sex with what is functionally an older kid. (ick ick ick, btw) It's just the search term for people under 30-something. The way search engines work, I often have to use terms I am not actually interested in, in order to get into the ball park of what I AM interested in. (not just porn- many searches on all search engines.)
Also, what gets a person off in porn and other fantasy often isn't anything they'd want to touch with a 10-foot pole in real life. (God knows that's true for me. )
posted by small_ruminant at 12:46 PM on March 11, 2015
I completely agree with this. BUT... as other people have pointed out, it doesn't necessarily mean someone ACTUALLY wants to have sex with what is functionally an older kid. (ick ick ick, btw) It's just the search term for people under 30-something. The way search engines work, I often have to use terms I am not actually interested in, in order to get into the ball park of what I AM interested in. (not just porn- many searches on all search engines.)
Also, what gets a person off in porn and other fantasy often isn't anything they'd want to touch with a 10-foot pole in real life. (God knows that's true for me. )
posted by small_ruminant at 12:46 PM on March 11, 2015
Your feelings are valid and you should talk to your husband.
I'm not really into porn to begin with but I get escpecially squicked out by teen porn, not because of the younger looks (cause face it, most people look better in their younger years compared to middle age), but because there's a major power imbalance portrayed, like the male performer is "teaching" the "teen" how to be a good "slut." I've actually seen a bit of it and it just makes me feel...on un-equal standing with guys I have sex with.
But because of the ubiquity of "teen" type porn you should not assume that your husband is into dominating naieve women in sexaul situations. He could not even realize that's how it feels for you and a lot of women, because of the patriarchy and common acceptance of teen porn as "vanilla." So he could very well not even be aware that he's complicit in the spread and acceptance of such a message. Which is why tou should definitely talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel and see if you can get to a mutual understanding of acceptable porn habits, more sex together, whatever yous 2 need.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:03 PM on March 11, 2015
I'm not really into porn to begin with but I get escpecially squicked out by teen porn, not because of the younger looks (cause face it, most people look better in their younger years compared to middle age), but because there's a major power imbalance portrayed, like the male performer is "teaching" the "teen" how to be a good "slut." I've actually seen a bit of it and it just makes me feel...on un-equal standing with guys I have sex with.
But because of the ubiquity of "teen" type porn you should not assume that your husband is into dominating naieve women in sexaul situations. He could not even realize that's how it feels for you and a lot of women, because of the patriarchy and common acceptance of teen porn as "vanilla." So he could very well not even be aware that he's complicit in the spread and acceptance of such a message. Which is why tou should definitely talk to him and tell him how it makes you feel and see if you can get to a mutual understanding of acceptable porn habits, more sex together, whatever yous 2 need.
posted by WeekendJen at 1:03 PM on March 11, 2015
In porn, "teen" is a marketing label, not an indicator that the actresses in question are actually under the age of 20. Porn basically lumps women into three age groups: teen, MILF, and granny. If your husband is looking at porn marketed as "teen" that just means he prefers women who look younger than middle aged.
posted by Jacqueline at 1:45 PM on March 11, 2015
posted by Jacqueline at 1:45 PM on March 11, 2015
I follow Fight the New Drug on Facebook and they seem to have a ton of information about porn, how it affects users, how it affects relationships, etc.
posted by tacodave at 3:27 PM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
posted by tacodave at 3:27 PM on March 11, 2015 [2 favorites]
"Teen" is the standard label for porn with college age women. Very mainstream. All guys look at porn now and again, no need to freak out.
posted by w0mbat at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2015
posted by w0mbat at 4:59 PM on March 11, 2015
I would just add that intentionally shutting down your libido is probably going to lead to your husband looking at more porn.
posted by trbrts at 8:52 AM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by trbrts at 8:52 AM on March 12, 2015 [1 favorite]
"3) How does one cope with feelings of anger, nausea, revulsion, emotional shutdown, and deep depression that come in response to this information about one’s spouse?
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido, if so, which one is the best at doing this? At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change"
3) The same way you react to anything that shocks, upsets, and hurts you, and comes between spouses: careful communication and negotations and discussions on fraught issues. Therapy is often a very good starting ground for these things.
However, deep depression does seem to be a higher-than average result, and generally one of the signs I'd use to recommend someone to, well, therapy.
4) Ethically, that seems like quite a bit to ask of a responsible doctor. I certainly sympathies that you are having a large reaction to the situation, and I do not want to sound judgmental, but again, it seems like a larger than average reaction, and perhaps motivated by more than your post contains.
I try not to plug these guys too hard, but I do work for the Marriage Boot Camp people (for free, no commissions or anything) and they provide their sessions cheaply, on payment plans, and even for free if need be. http://www.marriagebootcamp.com/attend/dates-locations/ There are two programs: The marriage one, which is for the couple, Wed-Saturday, all day; and Life Enrichment for individual work, same dates as above, evenings.
If you live in driving distance of any of the cities that host these sessions, you would likely benefit from them. I'll happily answer most questions about the programs.
posted by Jacen at 4:34 PM on March 14, 2015
4) Would antidepressants be described for me for the express purpose of removing my own libido, if so, which one is the best at doing this? At this time, I wish to be asexual and not deal with my own libido while I sort out what it will look like for me and how I will deal with it to be in a sexually “monogamous” (including the people in the teen videos) with this man.
I know people will suggest marriage counselling, however we cannot afford it at this time but I will seek counselling if circumstances change"
3) The same way you react to anything that shocks, upsets, and hurts you, and comes between spouses: careful communication and negotations and discussions on fraught issues. Therapy is often a very good starting ground for these things.
However, deep depression does seem to be a higher-than average result, and generally one of the signs I'd use to recommend someone to, well, therapy.
4) Ethically, that seems like quite a bit to ask of a responsible doctor. I certainly sympathies that you are having a large reaction to the situation, and I do not want to sound judgmental, but again, it seems like a larger than average reaction, and perhaps motivated by more than your post contains.
I try not to plug these guys too hard, but I do work for the Marriage Boot Camp people (for free, no commissions or anything) and they provide their sessions cheaply, on payment plans, and even for free if need be. http://www.marriagebootcamp.com/attend/dates-locations/ There are two programs: The marriage one, which is for the couple, Wed-Saturday, all day; and Life Enrichment for individual work, same dates as above, evenings.
If you live in driving distance of any of the cities that host these sessions, you would likely benefit from them. I'll happily answer most questions about the programs.
posted by Jacen at 4:34 PM on March 14, 2015
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by the agents of KAOS at 11:24 PM on March 10, 2015 [2 favorites]