Social skills workplan
January 27, 2015 4:10 AM Subscribe
I've read books about improving social skills and it hasn't really helped. What I really want is some workplan that's broken down into tasks for each week to help me improve. Mostly I'm looking at seeming interesting enough that people would want to spend time with me.
People consistently find me boring and withdrawn. I can count on one had the number of parties I've been invited to in my entire life. The only people who ever talk to me are men who want to have sex with me. Everyone else occasionally someone might try for like a few sentences and then realise i'm boring and inferior so quickly move on. I can meet people but it always goes the same way. Hardly anyone wants to spend time with me. I can never think of things to say. Not having any friends makes it even harder because you can't casually invite new people to join you and you don't really have stories about what you've been doing or any chance to practice. I feel like I am disappearing. I do actually like myself but facing such consistent rejection from others its really tiring and makes you lose hope in yourself and your future
People consistently find me boring and withdrawn. I can count on one had the number of parties I've been invited to in my entire life. The only people who ever talk to me are men who want to have sex with me. Everyone else occasionally someone might try for like a few sentences and then realise i'm boring and inferior so quickly move on. I can meet people but it always goes the same way. Hardly anyone wants to spend time with me. I can never think of things to say. Not having any friends makes it even harder because you can't casually invite new people to join you and you don't really have stories about what you've been doing or any chance to practice. I feel like I am disappearing. I do actually like myself but facing such consistent rejection from others its really tiring and makes you lose hope in yourself and your future
Response by poster: I just come across as boring, not high status enough to bother with, it's not that what i say is actively boring, just that i don't have enough to say. A lot of it is that I'm not able to project the self-confidence that some people have gained from years of reinforcement that they're a worthy person. I know people don't tend to like me and so it's hard to keep going.
It's not that I don't do stuff, it's that when you don't have friends, you don't really filter your experiences through a this is how I'm going to communicate how interesting this is to other people lens, you just kind of do it.... It's like you live in your own world which is incommunicable to other people. It's so much easier if other people are around because you're in the mindset of experiencing it with other people. A lot of people are so thoroughly extroverted or just enmeshed in other people's lives they probably don't understand this. Like if people ask me what i've been doing i don't really remember or i can't really explain it, because i'm not used to living in a social world.
posted by ninjablob at 4:46 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
It's not that I don't do stuff, it's that when you don't have friends, you don't really filter your experiences through a this is how I'm going to communicate how interesting this is to other people lens, you just kind of do it.... It's like you live in your own world which is incommunicable to other people. It's so much easier if other people are around because you're in the mindset of experiencing it with other people. A lot of people are so thoroughly extroverted or just enmeshed in other people's lives they probably don't understand this. Like if people ask me what i've been doing i don't really remember or i can't really explain it, because i'm not used to living in a social world.
posted by ninjablob at 4:46 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
Mod note: Just as a note, OP has received quite a few earlier suggestions about how to generally reach out or become involved in activities (for example) as a way to make friends, so for the most part, it's probably best to focus on the more specific request for a social skills workplan or similar exercises to avoid repeating some of that same advice. Thanks.
posted by taz (staff) at 4:51 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 4:51 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Read How to Win Friends and Influence People. It has short chapters; read them one at a time and put the advice into practice before moving on to the next chapter.
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:55 AM on January 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
posted by peanut_mcgillicuty at 4:55 AM on January 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
Hi, I am the person who you would hate with the fury of a thousand flames were we to ever meet. I am the polar opposite of you. I talk endlessly. I am extremely interested in anything and everyone. I cannot for the life of me shut up and I get extremely uncomfortable when people around me are silent. Introverts hate being around me. They find me pushy and I find them boring. I have pissed people off by inviting them to lunch. ("oh come on, you really should join us.")
I tried changing myself to be better around people who are not like me. People who are my opposites, to be precise, because oh god do they love bitching three months later about something had they told me I could have changed right then and there, no problem. And I've gloriously failed.
People are creeped out when you are not yourself. They can sense it. They think you have a hidden agenda. That will hurt you more than being someone some people just don't want to be around.
So instead what I would suggest is finding people who are passionate about the same things you are. Meetup is a godsend for finding them. Make a list of things that interest you. It's awesome to geek out together and when you all have a reason to be there it's a lot less awkward. Don't indulge in your passion alone.
I hope this kinda sorta helps and that taz doesn't hate me now.
Oh, final thought: sex is awesome and men who want to have sex with you think you are awesome, too.
posted by krautland at 5:06 AM on January 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
I tried changing myself to be better around people who are not like me. People who are my opposites, to be precise, because oh god do they love bitching three months later about something had they told me I could have changed right then and there, no problem. And I've gloriously failed.
People are creeped out when you are not yourself. They can sense it. They think you have a hidden agenda. That will hurt you more than being someone some people just don't want to be around.
So instead what I would suggest is finding people who are passionate about the same things you are. Meetup is a godsend for finding them. Make a list of things that interest you. It's awesome to geek out together and when you all have a reason to be there it's a lot less awkward. Don't indulge in your passion alone.
I hope this kinda sorta helps and that taz doesn't hate me now.
Oh, final thought: sex is awesome and men who want to have sex with you think you are awesome, too.
posted by krautland at 5:06 AM on January 27, 2015 [9 favorites]
I'm a big fan of Meetup.com.
No matter what high weirdness or awesome nerdy things you are into, someone else is as well, and they're all getting together IN PERSON to talk about it and hang out and maybe even do it.
To get friends, you must be a friend.
This might involve some superficial small talk, but that's okay, because small talk is training wheels for deeper discussions.
The above will take care of your brain and your emotions.
Make sure that you are eating well, getting some good exercise - make it a point to work up a good sweat at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes.
This will take care of your body.
You are going to absolutely have to move outside your current comfort zone.
Sitting around by yourself, throwing a pity party or thinking that you are gum on the shoe of the world won't work. If you look for evidence of these, you will find it.
Keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to throw such crappy parties.
Make it a goal to take care of your mind and your body each week.
Grab your google calendar and schedule appointments with yourself (or others) and KEEP THEM.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:13 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
No matter what high weirdness or awesome nerdy things you are into, someone else is as well, and they're all getting together IN PERSON to talk about it and hang out and maybe even do it.
To get friends, you must be a friend.
This might involve some superficial small talk, but that's okay, because small talk is training wheels for deeper discussions.
The above will take care of your brain and your emotions.
Make sure that you are eating well, getting some good exercise - make it a point to work up a good sweat at least 5 days a week for 30 minutes.
This will take care of your body.
You are going to absolutely have to move outside your current comfort zone.
Sitting around by yourself, throwing a pity party or thinking that you are gum on the shoe of the world won't work. If you look for evidence of these, you will find it.
Keep yourself so busy that you don't have time to throw such crappy parties.
Make it a goal to take care of your mind and your body each week.
Grab your google calendar and schedule appointments with yourself (or others) and KEEP THEM.
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 5:13 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
ninjablob, I think it would be in your best interest to stop saying that you are boring. You are setting yourself up for failure. Maybe you don't have any friends right now but the likelihood that you will make new friends, and keep them, when you are drowning in negativity is slim.
Try not to automatically assume that people find you boring. No person is a mindreader and we don't know what other people are thinking.
I am not trying to be insensitive but saying, People consistently find me boring and withdrawn is an obnoxious thing to say unless someone actually told you this.
You don't have to do positive affirmations but do try to view things more realistically instead of beating yourself up. Right now you are expecting the worst. I think therapy would be a very good idea because you have asked several questions in the same vein. People cannot help you with good advice in this situation, you need a therapist. In the meantime…
I would try looking for places to engage in small talk and be around people. I know you are lacking in friends at the moment, but how about work? It doesn't have to be lunch with a friend, just a few moments of conversation (to practice your social skills) with patrons and coworkers. I see that you work in a library. Has this changed? If not, I would think there would be plenty of people to interact with, even if it's on a superficial level. Say hello, be kind, be interested in other people and things and lower your expectations. How about family? Do you have family nearby that you can visit? Please seek the help of a professional mental health counselor. You have a very unhealthy self image (I have been there, too). Questions on AskMe are not helping you. Therapy can. Good luck.
P.S. I am very reluctant to recommend a book in this situation but while you are waiting for your therapy appointment to arrive you might find First Impressions helpful. I have read it, and I think it can be potentially helpful for people who are unsure of how they are coming across.
posted by Fairchild at 5:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Try not to automatically assume that people find you boring. No person is a mindreader and we don't know what other people are thinking.
I am not trying to be insensitive but saying, People consistently find me boring and withdrawn is an obnoxious thing to say unless someone actually told you this.
You don't have to do positive affirmations but do try to view things more realistically instead of beating yourself up. Right now you are expecting the worst. I think therapy would be a very good idea because you have asked several questions in the same vein. People cannot help you with good advice in this situation, you need a therapist. In the meantime…
I would try looking for places to engage in small talk and be around people. I know you are lacking in friends at the moment, but how about work? It doesn't have to be lunch with a friend, just a few moments of conversation (to practice your social skills) with patrons and coworkers. I see that you work in a library. Has this changed? If not, I would think there would be plenty of people to interact with, even if it's on a superficial level. Say hello, be kind, be interested in other people and things and lower your expectations. How about family? Do you have family nearby that you can visit? Please seek the help of a professional mental health counselor. You have a very unhealthy self image (I have been there, too). Questions on AskMe are not helping you. Therapy can. Good luck.
P.S. I am very reluctant to recommend a book in this situation but while you are waiting for your therapy appointment to arrive you might find First Impressions helpful. I have read it, and I think it can be potentially helpful for people who are unsure of how they are coming across.
posted by Fairchild at 5:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [3 favorites]
Have you looked at the various workbooks by Dr. David Burns? He's got a few -- Feeling Good, for general depression; Intimate Connections, for loneliness; and a newer one on general anxiety. Seems like you might consider Intimate Connections. Unlike a lot of self-help books, these ones actually contain specific, actionable plans and 'homework assignments' you can use to practice the ideas laid out in the book.
posted by obliterati at 5:35 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
posted by obliterati at 5:35 AM on January 27, 2015 [4 favorites]
It sounds like you are looking for direct, in-the-moment feedback. For that I would suggest therapy, or if there is an "authentic relating" meetup group in your area, or heck try a social worker or if you have an employee assistance program at work.
Don't ask random strangers tho! I was once in a park and some dude asked me for my opinion of him, "be brutally honest" he said. I said "anything I would say would not even be a fraction of how you judge yourself" and he quickly lost interest in me, since it seemed all he wanted was confirmation of his self-hatred. By that I mean, actually listen to what people's impressions are, even if they don't accord with your view of yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:36 AM on January 27, 2015
Don't ask random strangers tho! I was once in a park and some dude asked me for my opinion of him, "be brutally honest" he said. I said "anything I would say would not even be a fraction of how you judge yourself" and he quickly lost interest in me, since it seemed all he wanted was confirmation of his self-hatred. By that I mean, actually listen to what people's impressions are, even if they don't accord with your view of yourself.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 5:36 AM on January 27, 2015
I do actually like myself.
Yikes, if your version of liking yourself involves telling yourself that you're 'boring' or 'uninteresting' and 'inferior' then I think you need to rethink your conception of 'like'.
To reiterate what Fairchild said, questions on AskMe can't help you, therapy can help you. But there are some fallacies in your question that I'm going to address, and ask you to think seriously about.
(1) You seem to have an idea that you know what other people are thinking.
'People consistently find me boring and withdrawn.' '[people] realise I'm boring and inferior so quickly move on.' Here's the thing: you don't know this. You can never know what other people are really thinking or feeling. If you did, you'd realise that the world isn't composed of highly-functioning, fun-loving, interesting people who have, en masse, decreed that Ninjajob, and Ninjajob alone, is boring and unloveable.
Rather, everyone has problems. Everyone screws up. Everyone has insecurities. That person checking out during a conversation? Maybe they're convinced that you're staring at a pimple on their chin. Maybe they're heartbroken over their ex. Maybe they're wondering if they'll ever be loved. You can't know that. And you can't attempt to control or explain their behaviour by projecting your insecurities on to them. Which brings me to 2:
(2) The onus isn't on you to 'be interesting'
Well-liked people tend to have one thing in common: they are deeply interested in other people. They listen, they ask questions, they engage, but they don't do it from a place of insecure self-loathing. Let me tell you, Ninjajob, I don't know you, but your questions suggests that you've taken out a mortgage and built a house in 'insecure self-loathing.'
Again, I don't know you, but I'd hazard a guess that you're longing for attention, to be noticed, to be cared for, to be loved. These are all good, valid, important needs. You're worthy of them. You deserve them. You are good enough and smart enough and interesting enough. And you're desperate to have them fulfilled. You're desperate for the person you're talking to to affirm you. So, rather than listening, engaging, asking questions, being present, being relaxed, when you talk to people you're just waiting for that moment where you'll get that attention, affirmation and love.
You need to find a place of calm when you go into social interactions, try to quiet the 'needy' (and valid!) voice within you, and just listen. Just be. Meditation and exercise can give you the mental 'muscle memory' to find that place when you need to. When you are talking to someone, challenge yourself to find out as much as you can about a person, without the agenda of forming a lasting friendship OMG right now! This essay on politeness really helped me, actually. Try to be open-hearted, and find joy in learning about other people.
(3) You need to have a long, long talk to yourself
With a therapist. The question, I feel, isn't social issues, it's that you don't really like yourself. You have a habit of bullying self-talk that you need to address. Until you do that, all of your interactions are going to be tinged with these (untrue) feelings, and processed through warped thoughts.
So, tl;dr: GO TO THERAPY. Consider meditation. Be kind to yourself, and extend that kindness to others, who are - trust me - largely fucked up in their own unique ways.
posted by nerdfish at 5:47 AM on January 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
Yikes, if your version of liking yourself involves telling yourself that you're 'boring' or 'uninteresting' and 'inferior' then I think you need to rethink your conception of 'like'.
To reiterate what Fairchild said, questions on AskMe can't help you, therapy can help you. But there are some fallacies in your question that I'm going to address, and ask you to think seriously about.
(1) You seem to have an idea that you know what other people are thinking.
'People consistently find me boring and withdrawn.' '[people] realise I'm boring and inferior so quickly move on.' Here's the thing: you don't know this. You can never know what other people are really thinking or feeling. If you did, you'd realise that the world isn't composed of highly-functioning, fun-loving, interesting people who have, en masse, decreed that Ninjajob, and Ninjajob alone, is boring and unloveable.
Rather, everyone has problems. Everyone screws up. Everyone has insecurities. That person checking out during a conversation? Maybe they're convinced that you're staring at a pimple on their chin. Maybe they're heartbroken over their ex. Maybe they're wondering if they'll ever be loved. You can't know that. And you can't attempt to control or explain their behaviour by projecting your insecurities on to them. Which brings me to 2:
(2) The onus isn't on you to 'be interesting'
Well-liked people tend to have one thing in common: they are deeply interested in other people. They listen, they ask questions, they engage, but they don't do it from a place of insecure self-loathing. Let me tell you, Ninjajob, I don't know you, but your questions suggests that you've taken out a mortgage and built a house in 'insecure self-loathing.'
Again, I don't know you, but I'd hazard a guess that you're longing for attention, to be noticed, to be cared for, to be loved. These are all good, valid, important needs. You're worthy of them. You deserve them. You are good enough and smart enough and interesting enough. And you're desperate to have them fulfilled. You're desperate for the person you're talking to to affirm you. So, rather than listening, engaging, asking questions, being present, being relaxed, when you talk to people you're just waiting for that moment where you'll get that attention, affirmation and love.
You need to find a place of calm when you go into social interactions, try to quiet the 'needy' (and valid!) voice within you, and just listen. Just be. Meditation and exercise can give you the mental 'muscle memory' to find that place when you need to. When you are talking to someone, challenge yourself to find out as much as you can about a person, without the agenda of forming a lasting friendship OMG right now! This essay on politeness really helped me, actually. Try to be open-hearted, and find joy in learning about other people.
(3) You need to have a long, long talk to yourself
With a therapist. The question, I feel, isn't social issues, it's that you don't really like yourself. You have a habit of bullying self-talk that you need to address. Until you do that, all of your interactions are going to be tinged with these (untrue) feelings, and processed through warped thoughts.
So, tl;dr: GO TO THERAPY. Consider meditation. Be kind to yourself, and extend that kindness to others, who are - trust me - largely fucked up in their own unique ways.
posted by nerdfish at 5:47 AM on January 27, 2015 [14 favorites]
It sounds like all you do is focus on yourself and how inferior you feel yourself to be and people can sense that. Being boring is a self fulfilling prophecy for you, and you're unlikable because you don't tell other people to think otherwise. Your problem isn't that you don't have friends -- it's that you aren't doing what you need to do to feel better about who you are regardless of whether or not other people are involved. You don't have to be interesting for people to want to spend time with you. You just need to be kind, positive, and respectful. People can sense though that you can't direct those actions towards yourself, and they may be left with the feeling that you won't be able to extend that kind of behavior to them either.
The feedback you need isn't about how to be interesting. You need to overcome this profound sense of self loathing that dictates your whole life. Only then can interactions with other people become less about your perceptions of inferiority and more about shared interests and common ground. This is what therapy is for, so you can start to dismantle the lack of respect you have for yourself and ultimately other people. Take the first step today if you haven't already. You can overcome this and get what you need. You just need to start from a different vantage point than the one you've been trying from so far.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you!
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:50 AM on January 27, 2015
The feedback you need isn't about how to be interesting. You need to overcome this profound sense of self loathing that dictates your whole life. Only then can interactions with other people become less about your perceptions of inferiority and more about shared interests and common ground. This is what therapy is for, so you can start to dismantle the lack of respect you have for yourself and ultimately other people. Take the first step today if you haven't already. You can overcome this and get what you need. You just need to start from a different vantage point than the one you've been trying from so far.
Good luck. I'm rooting for you!
posted by Hermione Granger at 5:50 AM on January 27, 2015
People consistently find me boring and withdrawn. I can count on one had the number of parties I've been invited to in my entire life. The only people who ever talk to me are men who want to have sex with me. Everyone else occasionally someone might try for like a few sentences and then realise i'm boring and inferior so quickly move on.
I can believe that there are people who say a few sentences to you and then move on. What I don't believe is that they ALL move on because you are "boring and inferior." Some of them might need to pee, or might be shy themselves, or might've just seen the friend they were waiting for arrive, or might be hungry and making their way to the snack table, or might be rude, superficial people, or might not have come to the party to meet new people, or might have a crush on someone that they're constantly scanning the party for, or might have a stomach ache or headache and feel lousy, or might have ADHD, or might....
People skills 101: do not attribute feelings and make assumptions about other people's feelings and thoughts. It's off-putting.
Find a good, experiential group therapy group to join. Not so much to change yourself (although you will change) but because you'll learn so much about other people, in their own words, from their own voices, rather than from your perspective inside your own head. They will also tell you what they think of you (brace yourself: they will have positive thoughts about you.)
It might be hard to find a good, experiential group therapy setting. Do some googling in your area. Call a few therapists who run groups and tell them that someone on the Internet suggested you "steer clear of psychoeducational groups, or single topic groups and look for something more existential, something focused on interpersonal relationships and ways of being."
posted by vitabellosi at 6:13 AM on January 27, 2015
I can believe that there are people who say a few sentences to you and then move on. What I don't believe is that they ALL move on because you are "boring and inferior." Some of them might need to pee, or might be shy themselves, or might've just seen the friend they were waiting for arrive, or might be hungry and making their way to the snack table, or might be rude, superficial people, or might not have come to the party to meet new people, or might have a crush on someone that they're constantly scanning the party for, or might have a stomach ache or headache and feel lousy, or might have ADHD, or might....
People skills 101: do not attribute feelings and make assumptions about other people's feelings and thoughts. It's off-putting.
Find a good, experiential group therapy group to join. Not so much to change yourself (although you will change) but because you'll learn so much about other people, in their own words, from their own voices, rather than from your perspective inside your own head. They will also tell you what they think of you (brace yourself: they will have positive thoughts about you.)
It might be hard to find a good, experiential group therapy setting. Do some googling in your area. Call a few therapists who run groups and tell them that someone on the Internet suggested you "steer clear of psychoeducational groups, or single topic groups and look for something more existential, something focused on interpersonal relationships and ways of being."
posted by vitabellosi at 6:13 AM on January 27, 2015
Response by poster: idk i find some of these answers really pathologising. they seem to assume that i'm starting out from a place of not liking myself and what i need to do is learn to like myself but i don't think this is true. i think i'm worn down from rejection from observing that people don't tend to like me. yes, i'm not a mind reader, but we all observe and draw conclusions from how other people react to us.
i think i haven't mastered simple social skills like how to make eye contact, how to enter and exit conversations gracefully, etc, and that because of this people find it difficult to be around me.
That's why i'm asking about practical structured resources for mastering social skills.
posted by ninjablob at 6:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
i think i haven't mastered simple social skills like how to make eye contact, how to enter and exit conversations gracefully, etc, and that because of this people find it difficult to be around me.
That's why i'm asking about practical structured resources for mastering social skills.
posted by ninjablob at 6:28 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Mod note: Folks, the OP is asking for "some workplan that's broken down into tasks for each week to help me improve," so please stick to that. It's just fine to take a pass on this question if you don't have a recommendation for this (or reasonably similar).
posted by taz (staff) at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2015
posted by taz (staff) at 6:35 AM on January 27, 2015
The Relationship Cure has a series of exercises that you might find useful. It also has an underlying philosophy that underlies the exercises and is very easy to keep in mind while you're interacting with people "in the wild" that guides you in the right direction: Am I turning toward, turning away, or turning against?
posted by clawsoon at 6:44 AM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
posted by clawsoon at 6:44 AM on January 27, 2015 [5 favorites]
BTW, "The Relationship Cure" is about all kinds of relationships, from co-workers and friends to romantic partnerships.
posted by clawsoon at 6:47 AM on January 27, 2015
posted by clawsoon at 6:47 AM on January 27, 2015
Maybe look into social skills tailored to the Aspergers community for step-by-step ideas.
(But honestly, it sounds like there are much bigger issues involved, which is why everyone is giving you answers you don't like. And there is a problematic vibe here of 'how do I manipulate people into wanting to know me' that does not feel quite on the up and up.)
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 6:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
(But honestly, it sounds like there are much bigger issues involved, which is why everyone is giving you answers you don't like. And there is a problematic vibe here of 'how do I manipulate people into wanting to know me' that does not feel quite on the up and up.)
posted by thegreatfleecircus at 6:50 AM on January 27, 2015 [2 favorites]
Have you tried working on your listening skills? Ask people questions about themselves. Many people like to talk about themselves more than they like to hear about other people's lives and SOME of those people will be interesting for you to listen to. You can participate in a conversation by asking relevant questions to prompt people to share things, not just by talking about your own life. Don't grill them or make them feel like they're being interrogated, but pay attention and ask follow-up questions that might draw them out.
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:24 AM on January 27, 2015
posted by needs more cowbell at 7:24 AM on January 27, 2015
we all observe and draw conclusions from how other people react to us
But you are drawing conclusions that literally everyone here is telling you are fallacious.
Here is a workplan, one that I have given to other people in your situation, with moderate success.
Keep being around people. Whenever people do not speak to you, or talk to you briefly and then walk away, or seem uncomfortable around you (according to your instincts, that is), work on thinking thoughts like the following:
-this person just remembered that she promised to send an email to her boss and she forgot
-this person thinks that he is boring ME, and looks uncomfortable because he can't believe he is still so awkward at parties
-that person just realized she needs to change her tampon
-that person just saw his ex walk in the room and he is desperate to be somewhere else
-that person had to stay up late three nights in a row working on his dissertation, and the way he drifts into conversation and then out of it again is a result of his sleep deprivation
-that person spent the day crying because her cat is sick and she saw something that reminded her that her cat is sick and she is leaving before she starts crying in front of strangers
-that person just got a text (phone on silent, buzzed in his pocket) and he is hoping it is from his crush so he wants to go read it in private
-that person is still obsessing over something one of his coworkers said to him today and he is worried that he’s going to have to deal with the fallout Monday
-that person has social anxiety and had to bail
-that person has to blow his nose
These are all about ten times more likely than "this person is boring" being the reason people walk away. I gave this advice to a friend who interpreted every single unanswered email and text as a personal rejection and judgement. I told her the same thing I am telling you: the way other people act is rarely about you. I gave her similar advice (that person didn't answer an email because of an ANTM marathon, that person didn't answer a text because he forgot to charge his phone, etc), and it helped her become a LOT less self-conscious and neurotic about worrying that the only problem was her.
Making friends as an adult is hard, but it isn't because there is a problem with you. It is just hard work, and you have to do the work and stop assuming that you are somehow inherently flawed in order to do that work. Spend two weeks telling yourself that every awkward interaction is the fault of other people having interiority, and it will make future interactions much less painful.
Oh, and say yes whenever people suggest things. I have sooooo many friends who say "yeah, we should totally do that!" and never, ever, EVER follow through. Some of my closest friends are even people who I didn't totally click with at first, but they just kept saying yes, and inviting me over, and wanting to hang out. Be a person who sends an email and says "you said you were interested in seeing [X movie], do you want to go on Saturday?" Be a person who suggests things instead of waiting for people to invite you. A lot of people will be so, so relieved that you are making the initiative.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:30 AM on January 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
But you are drawing conclusions that literally everyone here is telling you are fallacious.
Here is a workplan, one that I have given to other people in your situation, with moderate success.
Keep being around people. Whenever people do not speak to you, or talk to you briefly and then walk away, or seem uncomfortable around you (according to your instincts, that is), work on thinking thoughts like the following:
-this person just remembered that she promised to send an email to her boss and she forgot
-this person thinks that he is boring ME, and looks uncomfortable because he can't believe he is still so awkward at parties
-that person just realized she needs to change her tampon
-that person just saw his ex walk in the room and he is desperate to be somewhere else
-that person had to stay up late three nights in a row working on his dissertation, and the way he drifts into conversation and then out of it again is a result of his sleep deprivation
-that person spent the day crying because her cat is sick and she saw something that reminded her that her cat is sick and she is leaving before she starts crying in front of strangers
-that person just got a text (phone on silent, buzzed in his pocket) and he is hoping it is from his crush so he wants to go read it in private
-that person is still obsessing over something one of his coworkers said to him today and he is worried that he’s going to have to deal with the fallout Monday
-that person has social anxiety and had to bail
-that person has to blow his nose
These are all about ten times more likely than "this person is boring" being the reason people walk away. I gave this advice to a friend who interpreted every single unanswered email and text as a personal rejection and judgement. I told her the same thing I am telling you: the way other people act is rarely about you. I gave her similar advice (that person didn't answer an email because of an ANTM marathon, that person didn't answer a text because he forgot to charge his phone, etc), and it helped her become a LOT less self-conscious and neurotic about worrying that the only problem was her.
Making friends as an adult is hard, but it isn't because there is a problem with you. It is just hard work, and you have to do the work and stop assuming that you are somehow inherently flawed in order to do that work. Spend two weeks telling yourself that every awkward interaction is the fault of other people having interiority, and it will make future interactions much less painful.
Oh, and say yes whenever people suggest things. I have sooooo many friends who say "yeah, we should totally do that!" and never, ever, EVER follow through. Some of my closest friends are even people who I didn't totally click with at first, but they just kept saying yes, and inviting me over, and wanting to hang out. Be a person who sends an email and says "you said you were interested in seeing [X movie], do you want to go on Saturday?" Be a person who suggests things instead of waiting for people to invite you. A lot of people will be so, so relieved that you are making the initiative.
posted by a fiendish thingy at 7:30 AM on January 27, 2015 [8 favorites]
Ok, I think what you want is "social skills training for adults". I found this website with that search phrase, along with a number of other sites that hold IRL workshops - some geared to clinical populations, like adults with autism, others not. Maybe poke around and see what makes sense to you?
On preview, thegreatfleecircus was thinking along the same lines.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:52 AM on January 27, 2015
On preview, thegreatfleecircus was thinking along the same lines.
posted by cotton dress sock at 7:52 AM on January 27, 2015
I've lived a lot of my life without friends, without really expending much effort to make friends, mostly because I didn't see myself as that interesting to others. Now that I'm back in my small hometown for awhile I'm mostly back in that same place. But when I was living in larger cities I did find Meetup quite helpful. I specifically went to groups for shy people or introverts. I didn't learn any new outstanding ways to be social with people, but the groups did have a core of people who I could become familiar with slowly. Slow works better for me, and finding a few others to do things with probably helps build practice and confidence for other social situations. Just need to keep going back to the meetups.
posted by TimTypeZed at 10:34 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
posted by TimTypeZed at 10:34 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]
Check out the free workbooks at the centre for clinical interventions site.
posted by tanktop at 2:18 PM on January 27, 2015
posted by tanktop at 2:18 PM on January 27, 2015
Socially Curious
written for teens but you might find it useful.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:54 PM on January 27, 2015
written for teens but you might find it useful.
posted by SyraCarol at 6:54 PM on January 27, 2015
I think of social skills as behavioral patterns. Patterns don't have meaning on their own, we assign them social value which to an individual is more or less random.
If you come across as "boring" or "inferior" it's probably just cause you have patterns that are looked on as less ideal. But patterns are just sets of behaviors, and behaviors are just habits, right? And habits you can change or add or substitute, right?
So if you have bad habits, you're not a bad person, you just need some new skills.
Each social interaction has a narrative arc, just like a story. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. Think about what your body and your mouth are doing, like you're looking over your own shoulder. Maybe watch people in public and imagine yourself doing what they're doing, and think what it would feel like in your body.
I recommend breaking it down into sub-components, something like this:
1) eye contact
2) facial expressions
3) body gestures
4) physical distance
5) voice — tone, pacing
6) conversation — speech content, back and forth
7) approach
8) exit
9) overall arc
When you find a good pattern that seems to be successful, make a mental note or write it down. Then use it. Go practice! If you're awkward and someone is mean about it, leave. But if they're a nice person, go ahead and tell them you're working on social skills and it's hard for you but you really admire how smoothly they interact and you want to know how they go about meeting people...? Ask them lots of questions, people love to give tips!
posted by fritillary at 4:32 AM on January 28, 2015
If you come across as "boring" or "inferior" it's probably just cause you have patterns that are looked on as less ideal. But patterns are just sets of behaviors, and behaviors are just habits, right? And habits you can change or add or substitute, right?
So if you have bad habits, you're not a bad person, you just need some new skills.
Each social interaction has a narrative arc, just like a story. There's a beginning, a middle and an end. Think about what your body and your mouth are doing, like you're looking over your own shoulder. Maybe watch people in public and imagine yourself doing what they're doing, and think what it would feel like in your body.
I recommend breaking it down into sub-components, something like this:
1) eye contact
2) facial expressions
3) body gestures
4) physical distance
5) voice — tone, pacing
6) conversation — speech content, back and forth
7) approach
8) exit
9) overall arc
When you find a good pattern that seems to be successful, make a mental note or write it down. Then use it. Go practice! If you're awkward and someone is mean about it, leave. But if they're a nice person, go ahead and tell them you're working on social skills and it's hard for you but you really admire how smoothly they interact and you want to know how they go about meeting people...? Ask them lots of questions, people love to give tips!
posted by fritillary at 4:32 AM on January 28, 2015
It's not that I don't do stuff, it's that when you don't have friends, you don't really filter your experiences through a this is how I'm going to communicate how interesting this is to other people lens, you just kind of do it.... It's like you live in your own world which is incommunicable to other people.
I would suggest keeping a daily journal. Focus on writing down experiences from that day that were notable to you and why. It will give you practice in describing your experiences and help your recall when chatting with people.
This doesn't need to be "exciting" stuff, just stuff that interests you. Most people aren't looking to be wowed by fascinating stories - they just want to connect with others over everyday things. Write down an especially good (or bad) meal you had, thoughts on a book you're reading, something odd you saw on your way home, etc.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 8:52 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
I would suggest keeping a daily journal. Focus on writing down experiences from that day that were notable to you and why. It will give you practice in describing your experiences and help your recall when chatting with people.
This doesn't need to be "exciting" stuff, just stuff that interests you. Most people aren't looking to be wowed by fascinating stories - they just want to connect with others over everyday things. Write down an especially good (or bad) meal you had, thoughts on a book you're reading, something odd you saw on your way home, etc.
posted by treachery, faith, and the great river at 8:52 AM on January 28, 2015 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
If you feel like you don't have any good stories about what you've been doing, the obvious answer is to get out and do stuff; very few activities REQUIRE that you bring a plus-one, though obviously it's more comfortable. So if you're looking for a good first task, how about that: get out and DO something. Go hiking, go to a museum, take a pottery class, whatever. Then talk to someone about it.
posted by mskyle at 4:24 AM on January 27, 2015 [1 favorite]