No reservations

January 26, 2015 9:21 AM

How can I act like a less reserved person? I understand that it's not a flaw to be reserved, but I think it's getting in the way of my creating deeper interpersonal relations.

Even family and long-time friends tell me I'm a mystery. I, meanwhile, think there's not much mystery about me. I share my opinions when it's warranted and wise to do so, and I do share my emotions, but I seem to experience emotional highs and lows much less frequently than most people, and I'm more apt to think myself through lows alone and to not express the highs very openly.

What kinds of things should I share about myself to make me seem like less of a mystery? How can I get to know myself better so I can find more things about myself to share with people?

How can I express emotions more openly? I get a little aggravated by people who are very loud and dramatic about most everything (my problem, not theirs; so, I've learned to live with it) and don't think I could bring myself to embrace that communication style. But, people don't believe me if I just calmly tell them "Yes, I'm happy about this."

I know a frequent recommendation for this type of problem is to take improv classes, which I have done and had fun doing, but I'm not sure how the skills are transferable to daily life.

Thanks in advance.

posted by rebooter to Human Relations (11 answers total)

Start by getting to know other people. Ask lots of questions, let them talk about themselves. When they ask about you, be candid.

Being interested in others, honestly interested will help you seem warmer.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:38 AM on January 26, 2015

Lot of this is about small talk, and then remembering the little things you discussed earlier.
posted by filthy light thief at 9:43 AM on January 26, 2015

Try to be mindful of what your face is doing and try to make it match how you feel.
posted by bleep at 9:52 AM on January 26, 2015

Are these people confusing "reserved" with "quiet"?

There are certain folks in this world who are just quiet. They're more introverted than the rest of the world, and that's okay. Do you think that you might be one of these introverts?

When it comes to sharing, I think that you should share what you're comfortable with, but do so with a wink and a smile. Share something embarrassing. Share something funny. Share something that made you look like a goofball. It doesn't have to be something major, all you're doing is proving that you're human.

This will get those around you to share as well, and you will learn more about them and, most importantly you'll be bonding and will probably come across as someone who is awesome and fun to be around.

When I was young, I discovered Hawkeye Pierce, the character from MASH, and it changed me because it made me want to become The Funny Guy, The Sarcastic Guy, and The Guy Who Is Really Good At What He Does.

Might you have an avatar or an influence that might bring you out of your shell?
If so, next time you go out, bring some of that person with you.
Act as if.

You'll get the hang of it, I promise!
posted by John Kennedy Toole Box at 10:54 AM on January 26, 2015

Giving this a go because I consider myself very reserved (and have a few friends who are the same). Giant caveat though is that I also have other traits mixed in, so I am not sure which of the following would or would not apply to you, but if anything works, give it a try:

-The challenge might not be that you are not asking questions, but might not volunteer info about yourself (so they just see a blank screen, having no idea what you like/dislike/think/or feel). One thing that you can do is up front, volunteer small things about yourself ("I like [widgets, wolves, cookies,whatever]). From time to time, volunteer what you feel about something ("I am scared of [widgets, wolves]" or "This makes me sad").

-You don't have to verbally say things, but for people who need reassurance and to know that you feel X or believe in them or whatever, you can write a letter/send an email, etc., expressing those thoughts. But at least they know that you had/have them.

aggravated by people who are very loud and dramatic about most everything

I would say the same about myself OP, but one small thing that I slowly learned is that for the people like this that you might want to keep in your life, at least occasionally, you can express boundaries. It can include saying things like "I'm not comfortable around emotion" (so they at least know why you disappear or get quiet) or "I don't like to be hugged, but I'm happy for you" - but there can be a middle ground to getting along with someone like this. This might be obvious to you, but it has not/was not to me for a very long time.
posted by Wolfster at 11:00 AM on January 26, 2015

What kinds of things should I share about myself to make me seem like less of a mystery?

- how you feel this week
- what is going on in your life (thorns & roses approach - what was good & bad this week)
- any big decisions you are making lately
- who you are dating or what you and your partner are up to these days

I have a friend who doesn't share much and then I'm surprised by the choices they make, it all seems so sudden, and shows me how I am not in the "inner circle" since I don't know what's going on until after it's happened.

How can I express emotions more openly?

You don't have to be a drama queen / king; but show them with your body. If you're happy, smile, grin, let it out. If you're sad, look glum. I didn't realize I played my cards close to my chest until one day I showed my friends that I was upset about something and they told me "this is the first time you've opened up to us." It made me realize that I just didn't show how I felt in my body language. If you said calmly and placidly "oh yes I'm happy" I'd believe you in theory but if you're grinning and look a little bit bouncy, then I *know* you're happy.

I get a little aggravated by people who are very loud and dramatic about most everything

You could explore that a little - what judgements you have about expressing emotion and how does this hold you back from expressing yours? I'm not saying you have to be besties with loud people, I generally pass on them as well, but feeling aggravated could be a sign of something deeper in you that resists emotional expression.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 11:40 AM on January 26, 2015

Do you feel like you're getting a lot out of the relationships with the friends/family/acquaintances who are telling you that you're a mystery? Sometimes those kind of people don't ask the right questions or don't care about your answers. Do you feel like they enrich your life, or does it seem like you being a mystery to them is more of them saying "why don't you relish the same kind of drama that I do?"

I have discovered that I have an incredibly easy time sharing things about myself with people who I am excited in getting to know in turn and I've been lucky that I've had a lot of friends and lovers who made me feel that way. As I get older, I've been getting pickier and losing interest in telling my story to people. I had a woman I was dating for awhile tell me that I was a mystery to her and I realized it's because I just didn't really give a shit if she knew me because she bored me to tears. I can't tell from your question, but I truly wonder if it's a problem with YOU or a problem with the people in your life. You sound self-aware and interesting to me. Any chance the answer to your question could be: try to meet more interesting people and see how that goes?

I do have one friend who I find to be a mystery and it can cause problems. It can be frustrating in a group situation if we're trying to decide what to do next and I'm not sure what she wants and convinced she's going to be unhappy, so I push her to speak up again and again to reassure me that no, really, she's fine with going to another bar even though she looks like she'd rather go home. But that's me taking responsibility for her feelings. If she says she's fine with something, even if her naturally slightly pissy face says otherwise, that's on her, not me. That's what I thought about reading your question. All you can do is tell people how you feel open and honestly. Don't let them take responsibility for your feelings.
posted by the thorn bushes have roses at 1:06 PM on January 26, 2015

I've had this problem a lot. I am naturally very reserved and tend not to be overly emotional, and some of my natural reservations have been enhanced by circumstances as well (including having a long-term stalker and being female in a male dominated industry).

It's funny how it backfires sometimes, though, that the fact that you don't think your personal or internal life is all that interesting or relevant to every situation turns you into a MYSTERIOUS STRANGER and people start making up dramatic back stories about you. I've even started feeling guilty a couple of times for not living up to people's expectations.

I'd suggest you not try too hard to accommodate people's demands. Take it slowly, and don't try to completely break down all of your boundaries. Initially, maybe just make a point of sharing an extra anecdote or disclosure to the people you care the most about. Tell a relative you're nervous about a work situation, or a friend about an insecurity or just a funny little anecdote about your day.

For casual acquaintances like coworkers, some simple disclosure about your living situation or something is probably sufficient. Put something in your workspace that you don't mind answering questions about. A picture of someone or something, a hobby- or media-related thing, something like that.

How can I express emotions more openly? I get a little aggravated by people who are very loud and dramatic about most everything (my problem, not theirs; so, I've learned to live with it) and don't think I could bring myself to embrace that communication style.

A couple of things here:

1. No, it's not just your problem. It's not all theirs either, but it may be an incompatibility.

2. There's a disclosure you can make right there, that loud noises sometimes make you uncomfortable.

In fact, pretty much any of what you've talked about in this question could be a good topic for disclosing personal information about yourself, as long as you're comfortable with that.

Do make sure you're comfortable, though. It is unreasonable for you to have to completely adopt someone else's communication styles in order to make personal connections. Anyone who values you as a person should be willing to meet you partway and be sensitive to your preferences as well.
posted by ernielundquist at 1:43 PM on January 26, 2015

I'm more apt to think myself through lows alone and to not express the highs very openly

This sounds like not trusting people. Are there people in your life in the past who have taken information about your feelings and used it against you? Like, once they realized you're sensitive about something, they teased you about it unkindly; or once they realized you were excited about something, they tried to ruin it for you?

The trick that defuses such people is to hide your feelings, so they don't know which buttons to press to get you to react. Unfortunately, it means that people who could be good friends, who would empathize when you're down and celebrate with you when you're up, don't know when to step in to do their thing.

I think the thing to do is first make sure you've excised untrustworthy people from your life, as much as you can. Don't open up to them, because if they treat you poorly in return, it will be a setback that makes you not want to open up to others.

And then just be mindful of when you notice that you're either thinking yourself through a low alone, or enjoying a good moment that you're not expressing openly. Make a conscious choice about who you might like to talk to about how you're feeling in that moment. If spontaneous phone or in-person conversations wouldn't be possible, make a note of it so that next time you see those people you can tell them what you were feeling.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 1:48 PM on January 26, 2015

I've been thinking about this recently, being a more reserved person myself.

I've found that one great way to build connections is through Facebook, and it's very subtle. I've noticed some people will consistently like or comment on other peoples' statuses, and this will slowly blossom into an online friendship. Then, when you do finally meet each other in person, you already kind of feel like you know each other. I think it's also important to post things yourself, as that will allow people to get to know you better. And, also, when you meet up in person, there is usually a topic of conversation that can spring up organically. If you've posted a picture of your dog, they can ask about your dog. Or if you'd posted about having some stress at work, they can ask how your work has been. And then you can do the same.

And I think, after meeting someone really cool for the first time or after a few times, it's quite natural to say, "Hey, are you on Facebook?" and then add them.
posted by madonna of the unloved at 1:16 AM on January 27, 2015

I was told the same thing for years. Being reserved is paying attention but not revealing how, why, or even that you are. I think when most people say "you're a mystery!" what they really mean is, "please share something intimate or vulnerable about yourself, because i feel as if i'm giving more than i'm receiving."

They want you to reveal dumb little preferences, how you went about making a choice, the way in which something went or didn't go according to plan, the precise aura of feelings, trains of thought.

"Yes, I'm happy about this."

Why? What parts made you happy? What kind of happiness is it? How will it impact your life? Does it remind you of other happinesses, things from your past? How does your happiness compare to that of your conversational partner?

I realized that I came across as reserved because I was often thinking in veins that were hard to share socially. Observing patterns of light falling across a brick wall, or playing wordlessly with abstract concepts. But it wasn't that they were impossible thoughts to share — or that I didn't have feelings to go along with them. It was that they were happening so fast and so unconsciously I could barely trace them. Make an effort to note and internally verbalize your mental events. Let go of value judgements on "how much is too much." Talking will take care of itself.

Your tools for expressing emotions openly are: saying, writing, gesturing, doing. Identify the feeling and match it to a form. You'll feel awkward at first, but that's ok.
posted by fritillary at 4:59 AM on January 28, 2015