Is skipping oral sex ok?
November 15, 2014 2:16 PM Subscribe
A recurring situation in my life: Meet a great girl, start sexy time, feel erect from kissing and fondling (good!), the girl goes down on me and then I completely lose my erection (bad). I cannot remember a time in my life that I've enjoyed oral sex.
Is there something wrong with me?
So for some context:
a) Very inexperienced sexually. I'm embarrassed to admit how inexperienced, but for the purposes of this discussion basically assume zero.
b) Met someone new that I really like, but last night had a very awkward experience due to me not enjoying the oral sex.
I don't understand why I don't like oral sex. Most guys like it, right? Maybe masturbating too much has ruined my ability to enjoy it? :/
I enjoy manual stimulation so my natural thought is is to bring out some lubricant. But my fear is that:
a) women in general view lube as offensive
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive ("Why is he asking for Y when I offered X?")
In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration.
How exactly do I do this without offending her? Or is oral sex something you just keep trying until you enjoy it?
I really like her a lot and want this to work out long term, but if the first thing we do after kissing and fondling is her giving me oral sex, I basically don't see how I'll end up succeeding.
So for some context:
a) Very inexperienced sexually. I'm embarrassed to admit how inexperienced, but for the purposes of this discussion basically assume zero.
b) Met someone new that I really like, but last night had a very awkward experience due to me not enjoying the oral sex.
I don't understand why I don't like oral sex. Most guys like it, right? Maybe masturbating too much has ruined my ability to enjoy it? :/
I enjoy manual stimulation so my natural thought is is to bring out some lubricant. But my fear is that:
a) women in general view lube as offensive
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive ("Why is he asking for Y when I offered X?")
In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration.
How exactly do I do this without offending her? Or is oral sex something you just keep trying until you enjoy it?
I really like her a lot and want this to work out long term, but if the first thing we do after kissing and fondling is her giving me oral sex, I basically don't see how I'll end up succeeding.
Telling her you're not into it (making it clear it's not her technique that's the problem) is totally fine and normal. If you are having a really hard time with the conversation, heading it off by going down on her first and then moving to penetration (if she's on board with that) is another option for the short term.
posted by metasarah at 2:33 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by metasarah at 2:33 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
No, you can't just skip straight to sex. You're assuming that all girls want to / are willing to sleep with you on the first date. A girl offering a BJ is often a sign of "no sex, but I'll get you off."
Everyone has different preferences, and sex is often awkward with a new partner.
My advice, if you don't like oral, is to gently guide your partner towards what you DO want. If she starts to go down on you, say "I want to keep kissing you" while steering her hand towards your junk.
You can also avoid this by going down on her first so she physically can go down on you...
posted by DoubleLune at 2:34 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Everyone has different preferences, and sex is often awkward with a new partner.
My advice, if you don't like oral, is to gently guide your partner towards what you DO want. If she starts to go down on you, say "I want to keep kissing you" while steering her hand towards your junk.
You can also avoid this by going down on her first so she physically can go down on you...
posted by DoubleLune at 2:34 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Sometimes, especially when dealing with something you're not experienced with, it's a situational issue, something about the setting. If I don't know someone very well yet I usually can't get it up for sex at first because I'm anxious about it, anxious about pleasing her, anxious about seeming relaxed, anxious about being in a weird house, or about nearby roommates, or what have you.
It's possible that as you grow more comfortable with your partner you may become more free to enjoy different things. Give it time, and be honest with her about it, y'all will find some pleasant common ground.
posted by TheRedArmy at 2:35 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
It's possible that as you grow more comfortable with your partner you may become more free to enjoy different things. Give it time, and be honest with her about it, y'all will find some pleasant common ground.
posted by TheRedArmy at 2:35 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Probably an overshare here but my ideal blow job involves simultaneous manual stimulation.
posted by srboisvert at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by srboisvert at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2014 [7 favorites]
For some people, oral sex is more intimate than PiV sex. Plenty of people -- men and women both -- aren't comfortable with oral until they're in a more established relationship and trust their partner. Because in oral sex, you're not just bumpin' uglies ... you're bumping YOUR ugly into someone else's sensory organs, and for a lot of people that's a little more fraught and anxiety-laden.
I don't have a suggestion for a really great way to communicate that you're a little shy about oral sex -- that probably depends on you, and her, and the situation -- but I did want to tell you it's totally normal.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
I don't have a suggestion for a really great way to communicate that you're a little shy about oral sex -- that probably depends on you, and her, and the situation -- but I did want to tell you it's totally normal.
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 2:37 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
Yes, it is OK to skip oral sex. If you don't enjoy it, you don't have to do it.
I recently read an interesting way to phrase things (geared toward men making requests of women without being insulting/aggressive/etc): lead with "if you're into it." i.e. "If you're into it, I'd love to [whatever.]" You could use that in requesting what you would like to do together.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:42 PM on November 15, 2014 [15 favorites]
I recently read an interesting way to phrase things (geared toward men making requests of women without being insulting/aggressive/etc): lead with "if you're into it." i.e. "If you're into it, I'd love to [whatever.]" You could use that in requesting what you would like to do together.
posted by needs more cowbell at 2:42 PM on November 15, 2014 [15 favorites]
I got married at 19 to another 19 year old, so I thought everything we did together was "normal." I got divorced a lifetime later and, you know, everyone is different. And that's okay. If this doesn't work for you, it is totally okay. You do not have to set some goal of being comfortable with any particular act.
You might want to consider slowing things down and doing more talking beforehand so it's not some awkward surprise. But unless she is someone who is really into giving head, I don't see any reason why this should be a big deal.
Maybe do some reading. (You could start with other AskMes.) Get an idea of a) that everyone has their personal peccadillos and b) some ways of talking about it are better than others. Beyond that, I don't see any reason why you should feel weird about this.
posted by Michele in California at 2:46 PM on November 15, 2014
You might want to consider slowing things down and doing more talking beforehand so it's not some awkward surprise. But unless she is someone who is really into giving head, I don't see any reason why this should be a big deal.
Maybe do some reading. (You could start with other AskMes.) Get an idea of a) that everyone has their personal peccadillos and b) some ways of talking about it are better than others. Beyond that, I don't see any reason why you should feel weird about this.
posted by Michele in California at 2:46 PM on November 15, 2014
Just talk about it. I mean, you will also have to listen to her telling you about what she likes, right? Or, to say it more directly, there are no "women in general". There's your partner, who's an individual, with individual tastes, preferences and no-goes, and that's that. Get to know her.
In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration
Yeah but really no. If you have sex with a partner, "ideal" must mean the sum of the expectations of both, and not what only you already have in your head.
Also, why don't you let her use her hands without lubrication? It's likely to be much more spontaneously than if you first have to dig out your lube and say "use this" and all that nonsense. Maybe she's really gentle with her hands.
posted by Namlit at 2:52 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration
Yeah but really no. If you have sex with a partner, "ideal" must mean the sum of the expectations of both, and not what only you already have in your head.
Also, why don't you let her use her hands without lubrication? It's likely to be much more spontaneously than if you first have to dig out your lube and say "use this" and all that nonsense. Maybe she's really gentle with her hands.
posted by Namlit at 2:52 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
Tell her: I'm a rare guy who doesn't like oral sex much. Other things are okay, and I'll go down on you if you want, but oral sex never really gets me off.
If it helps at all, oral sex didn't do much for me for (let's say) about the first ten years of my sex life. It was too toothy or too much squirmy stimulation (rather than pleasurable stimulation). After a time, I did begin to like oral sex.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:56 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
If it helps at all, oral sex didn't do much for me for (let's say) about the first ten years of my sex life. It was too toothy or too much squirmy stimulation (rather than pleasurable stimulation). After a time, I did begin to like oral sex.
posted by dances_with_sneetches at 2:56 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you don't like something, feel free to speak up and say so. "Hey, I'm one of the .001% of dudes who don't dig blow jobs. How about we do this!"
It wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
People like what they like. It's why restaurants have menus. Anyone who'd be put out by it...not worth your time anyway.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:57 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
It wouldn't hurt my feelings at all.
People like what they like. It's why restaurants have menus. Anyone who'd be put out by it...not worth your time anyway.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 2:57 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's absolutely okay to skip things you don't like, including oral. The thing we're told is that all dudes always want blow jobs, so you may have to use some words.
Set the tone. Before you get down to business, have a chat - make it about both of you learning what each other likes in general and what you want to happen that night.
You could also try a sexlist.
posted by bunderful at 2:57 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Set the tone. Before you get down to business, have a chat - make it about both of you learning what each other likes in general and what you want to happen that night.
You could also try a sexlist.
posted by bunderful at 2:57 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
She might be worried that you didn't like it last night because her technique was bad. Maybe she's frantically reading back issues of Cosmo to figure out what to do differently next time. She might be relieved to understand that you don't like it in general.
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 3:01 PM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
posted by Bentobox Humperdinck at 3:01 PM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
Just a general note that might help, I think it's really great at the beginning of a sexual/romantic relationship to do a lot of asking about things when you're having sex, "Is it ok if I...?" "Do you like it when..." "What do you like?" "What would make this better for you?"
This might be a good practice to introduce into your relationship, for both of you, rather than anybody assuming anything about what is or isn't ok with the other person.
YMMV, but I find I enjoy sex with a new person so much more when we both are consistently checking in with each other during sex about how things are going.
posted by twill at 3:03 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
This might be a good practice to introduce into your relationship, for both of you, rather than anybody assuming anything about what is or isn't ok with the other person.
YMMV, but I find I enjoy sex with a new person so much more when we both are consistently checking in with each other during sex about how things are going.
posted by twill at 3:03 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Is there something wrong with me?
Not at all. Not everyone, of whatever genital conformation, likes oral sex. Even if you were literally the only person in the history of human existence who didn't like it, there still wouldn't be anything wrong with you. It's completely OK to not want to do certain sexual activities. You always have the right to say no, and "I just don't feel like it/want it/enjoy it" is more than enough justification.
With regards to a] and b], what "women in general" want and feel isn't really relevant. Firstly, "women in general" doesn't actually exist - women are not all the same, just like any other large group of human beings, and secondly, even if "women in general" did exist, you're having sex with this particular woman. What another woman feels and wants doesn't matter, because you're not having sex with that woman.
You can't control another person's reactions. You can't make her not be offended at you refusing oral sex. She might really like performing it, and not performing it may be a dealbreaker. She might really hate performing it and only be doing it because she thinks it's expected of her. She might feel neutrally about it but have bought into the idea that all men like it and is doing it to please you rather than herself. She might also have some other idea about oral sex. Ask her.
The way to figure out how she feels about is is to have an open, honest conversation with her, where you both discuss your likes and dislikes. Both of you would do well to learn more about what the other person wants. When one of you knows that the other likes Activity A, then that person can consider engaging in Activity A with the person who enjoys it. Which is all kinds of sexy, because you're developing intimacy AND doing things that you both enjoy. If Activity B is something that you're not comfortable with, then you need to let your partner know so they can stop doing it.
Also, please lose the idea that not having or keeping an erection is bad. It's really not. Human bodies don't always do what we want them to when we want them do it. Anyone who shames you for not having an erection is an asshole. Be more gentle with yourself and consider that you lost your erection because you were having something done to you that it seems you didn't really want.
It's OK that you don't know this stuff, and well done for asking this question. Something for you to google is the concept of "enthusiastic consent".
posted by Solomon at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Not at all. Not everyone, of whatever genital conformation, likes oral sex. Even if you were literally the only person in the history of human existence who didn't like it, there still wouldn't be anything wrong with you. It's completely OK to not want to do certain sexual activities. You always have the right to say no, and "I just don't feel like it/want it/enjoy it" is more than enough justification.
With regards to a] and b], what "women in general" want and feel isn't really relevant. Firstly, "women in general" doesn't actually exist - women are not all the same, just like any other large group of human beings, and secondly, even if "women in general" did exist, you're having sex with this particular woman. What another woman feels and wants doesn't matter, because you're not having sex with that woman.
You can't control another person's reactions. You can't make her not be offended at you refusing oral sex. She might really like performing it, and not performing it may be a dealbreaker. She might really hate performing it and only be doing it because she thinks it's expected of her. She might feel neutrally about it but have bought into the idea that all men like it and is doing it to please you rather than herself. She might also have some other idea about oral sex. Ask her.
The way to figure out how she feels about is is to have an open, honest conversation with her, where you both discuss your likes and dislikes. Both of you would do well to learn more about what the other person wants. When one of you knows that the other likes Activity A, then that person can consider engaging in Activity A with the person who enjoys it. Which is all kinds of sexy, because you're developing intimacy AND doing things that you both enjoy. If Activity B is something that you're not comfortable with, then you need to let your partner know so they can stop doing it.
Also, please lose the idea that not having or keeping an erection is bad. It's really not. Human bodies don't always do what we want them to when we want them do it. Anyone who shames you for not having an erection is an asshole. Be more gentle with yourself and consider that you lost your erection because you were having something done to you that it seems you didn't really want.
It's OK that you don't know this stuff, and well done for asking this question. Something for you to google is the concept of "enthusiastic consent".
posted by Solomon at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Honestly, it's all about what you like and don't like. And for whoever your involved with of course. She may not even like it, or want to do it, and might even be relieved that you don't like it either. It's supposed to be assumed that men like it all the time and want it frequently so she probably thought you would like it. It would take off a lot of pressure (pun intended) if you told her you would prefer not to receive oral sex. Some people are super into it and it's a vital part of their sex life, others want different things. Just talk about it in a relaxed setting in an almost nonchalant way of mentioning it so it doesn't come off as she's not good at it kind of thing, but more of a I just don't like it kind of thing.
posted by lunastellasol at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by lunastellasol at 3:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Well, I think you're right, despite requiring sort of intermediate knowledge of the other person and/or a fair amount of (thoughtful) experience, it's often seen as a warm-up for the main event. (I also think a lot of bad/anxious oral that maybe people on both sides didn't wholly prefer happen happens, especially among young people, and I think they're reluctant to admit it because of expectations around performance.)
But you can freely say no to that until/unless you feel close enough to someone that you feel all right trying out variations in a more relaxed atmosphere, with enough trust that neither party feels embarrassed by the effort. Or you can say no forever, which is fine too.
I don't think you necessarily have to have a full-on contract negotiation with a new partner after you've had the wine etc (although do check-ins now and then, for sure). Just head her off at the pass, once you realize where she's going. You could say something like, "Hey :) You know what, I'm not really into that", and then show or tell her, "but I am into this". Doesn't have to be a big deal.
But yes, don't wait to tell her, because she may take it personally.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:24 PM on November 15, 2014
But you can freely say no to that until/unless you feel close enough to someone that you feel all right trying out variations in a more relaxed atmosphere, with enough trust that neither party feels embarrassed by the effort. Or you can say no forever, which is fine too.
I don't think you necessarily have to have a full-on contract negotiation with a new partner after you've had the wine etc (although do check-ins now and then, for sure). Just head her off at the pass, once you realize where she's going. You could say something like, "Hey :) You know what, I'm not really into that", and then show or tell her, "but I am into this". Doesn't have to be a big deal.
But yes, don't wait to tell her, because she may take it personally.
posted by cotton dress sock at 3:24 PM on November 15, 2014
Response by poster: Fantastic advice, thanks everyone. My general takeaway is that:
a) it is OK to not like oral sex.
b) I need to communicate better with her about both her preferences and mine.
Thanks again!
posted by pzad at 3:27 PM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
a) it is OK to not like oral sex.
b) I need to communicate better with her about both her preferences and mine.
Thanks again!
posted by pzad at 3:27 PM on November 15, 2014 [19 favorites]
I'll just throw in that it never even occurred to me that someone might be offended by lube or a hand job request. I'm sure it's possible... But pretty unlikely.
Lube is a definite must for many many ladies' enjoyment. For me, it's the difference between fun and *pain*.
posted by jrobin276 at 3:53 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Lube is a definite must for many many ladies' enjoyment. For me, it's the difference between fun and *pain*.
posted by jrobin276 at 3:53 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
Oral sex (for both men and women) gets put up on this weird pedestal these days. There's all this stuff floating around about "If you're a considerate lover you'll give your partner oral" or "If you've stopped giving your partner oral it means the passion is gone from your relationship" or whatever — all of which presupposes that your partner obviously wants oral. So yeah, it's easy to get the idea that all normal people like getting oral.
There's also a lot of cultural messages basically saying "Normal guys aren't choosy about sex. Normal guys are down to fuck all the time, enjoy whatever kind of sex they can get, and definitely don't need a specific position or a specific kind of stimulation in order to climax." Which is total bullshit, for what it's worth. But it puts pressure on men not to admit it if they're just not into something, or not in the mood for it right now, or if they're enjoying it but aren't going to be able to get off from it.
So you're probably feeling a whole lot of pressure on this. But it's good to recognize that most of that pressure is coming from, like, TV shows and dudes on the radio and billboards and whatever, and not from your partner. Like, okay, anyone you hook up with has probably absorbed the same cultural messages you have, and may well be assuming that you'll really like oral. But it is really, really unlikely that she'll be upset or horrified or anything like that. Probably she'll just be like "Huh. That's something you don't hear every day."
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:59 PM on November 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
There's also a lot of cultural messages basically saying "Normal guys aren't choosy about sex. Normal guys are down to fuck all the time, enjoy whatever kind of sex they can get, and definitely don't need a specific position or a specific kind of stimulation in order to climax." Which is total bullshit, for what it's worth. But it puts pressure on men not to admit it if they're just not into something, or not in the mood for it right now, or if they're enjoying it but aren't going to be able to get off from it.
So you're probably feeling a whole lot of pressure on this. But it's good to recognize that most of that pressure is coming from, like, TV shows and dudes on the radio and billboards and whatever, and not from your partner. Like, okay, anyone you hook up with has probably absorbed the same cultural messages you have, and may well be assuming that you'll really like oral. But it is really, really unlikely that she'll be upset or horrified or anything like that. Probably she'll just be like "Huh. That's something you don't hear every day."
posted by nebulawindphone at 3:59 PM on November 15, 2014 [9 favorites]
OP, it's not really clear at what point you are (or aren't!) bringing up lube.
1) If you're not bringing it up because you think she will be offended, well, "lube is offensive" is not something that has ever really been on my radar so I don't think it should be off the table.
2) If she is young she may not know that lube is a good thing for lots of reasons! Talk to her!
3) If you're not using lube with her that could definitely be a problem because ouch!
4) If she doesn't want to use lube then yes, it's perfectly fine for her to not want to use it and it's perfectly fine for you to not want oral sex without it.
On preview, I see there's a similar lube comment.
PS: Don't get weird, flavored lube. Or get weird, flavored lube!
posted by Room 641-A at 4:02 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
1) If you're not bringing it up because you think she will be offended, well, "lube is offensive" is not something that has ever really been on my radar so I don't think it should be off the table.
2) If she is young she may not know that lube is a good thing for lots of reasons! Talk to her!
3) If you're not using lube with her that could definitely be a problem because ouch!
4) If she doesn't want to use lube then yes, it's perfectly fine for her to not want to use it and it's perfectly fine for you to not want oral sex without it.
On preview, I see there's a similar lube comment.
PS: Don't get weird, flavored lube. Or get weird, flavored lube!
posted by Room 641-A at 4:02 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
My husband isn't into it either. We have a pretty great sex life, & have for over 20 years. It's totally not a big deal.
posted by warriorqueen at 4:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by warriorqueen at 4:19 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
As everyone above has said, it's perfectly ok not to like it... but I wanted to add one thing.
My guy was actually really uncomfortable and *thought* he didn't enjoy it. I was like Whatever, and we did other stuff instead. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Okay, but if you ever change your mind, because I've been told I'm good at it..."
Months later, he mentioned that he was curious. Turns out, he actually likes it. Don't know if it's me, if it's the awkward, if it's a prior negative experience (he mentioned there was one), if he thought it was "too much", if it's that he just wasn't all that experienced sexually anyway... or something that hasn't occurred to us.
So be nice to yourself and don't rule it out as a totally forever no - because you might just change your mind in the right circumstance, y'know? But if you don't, that's ok, too.
posted by stormyteal at 4:21 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
My guy was actually really uncomfortable and *thought* he didn't enjoy it. I was like Whatever, and we did other stuff instead. I remember making a comment to the effect of "Okay, but if you ever change your mind, because I've been told I'm good at it..."
Months later, he mentioned that he was curious. Turns out, he actually likes it. Don't know if it's me, if it's the awkward, if it's a prior negative experience (he mentioned there was one), if he thought it was "too much", if it's that he just wasn't all that experienced sexually anyway... or something that hasn't occurred to us.
So be nice to yourself and don't rule it out as a totally forever no - because you might just change your mind in the right circumstance, y'know? But if you don't, that's ok, too.
posted by stormyteal at 4:21 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
totally absolutely ok to not want blow jobs. i've known way more guys than women who get weird about lube ("oh, so i don't get you turned on enough to get wet?" is the general fear). i think the thread has done a good job at covering both of these and you should feel confident in opening up communication about this - if she's weird about it, she might not be mature enough for a sexual relationship on terms that are acceptable to you. this happens sometimes.
i just want to take a tiny detour and discuss this part of your question : In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration.
that can be totally ok! but...it sort of depends on amounts of time and how it's approached and might be a harder hill to climb for some women. there's a difference between "i don't really like blow jobs, maybe we can do some hands stuff" and "i don't like blowjobs and i need my own hand to get me hard." mutual masturbation can be a lot of fun, watching your partner masturbate can be fun, stroking yourself a couple times while applying the lube is totally normal, but it isn't really the most normal if you have to self stimulate for an extended period of time to get hard enough for sex. now - just because it is off center from normal doesn't mean you can't find a partner willing to do that with you, but being able to get an erection from your partner will probably contribute to your partner having a better time. i think advice about the dreaded death grip gets trotted out too much, but if this is something that is bothering you, there is no harm in reducing your masturbation frequency or technique and seeing if it changes how you react with a partner.
posted by nadawi at 4:22 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
i just want to take a tiny detour and discuss this part of your question : In an ideal world last night I could have just skipped the oral sex, self-stimulate with lubrication, and enjoy penetration.
that can be totally ok! but...it sort of depends on amounts of time and how it's approached and might be a harder hill to climb for some women. there's a difference between "i don't really like blow jobs, maybe we can do some hands stuff" and "i don't like blowjobs and i need my own hand to get me hard." mutual masturbation can be a lot of fun, watching your partner masturbate can be fun, stroking yourself a couple times while applying the lube is totally normal, but it isn't really the most normal if you have to self stimulate for an extended period of time to get hard enough for sex. now - just because it is off center from normal doesn't mean you can't find a partner willing to do that with you, but being able to get an erection from your partner will probably contribute to your partner having a better time. i think advice about the dreaded death grip gets trotted out too much, but if this is something that is bothering you, there is no harm in reducing your masturbation frequency or technique and seeing if it changes how you react with a partner.
posted by nadawi at 4:22 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
I think the OP was bringing up lube because he was thinking he'd like to suggest a hand job, not because he was necessarily going to have PIV sex and use lube. I think most people prefer hand jobs with lube - makes it easier to give one, too. So definitely don't worry about offending anyone.
This is just a personal opinion, but I try to avoid saying anything negative in bed, even if it's not anything personal about your partner. People are really sensitive and vulnerable at that time, and if someone told me they didn't like blow jobs I'd just assume they were trying to find a nice way to tell me that they didn't like THIS blow job, and the more you get into the discussion about what you don't like in the heat of the moment, the less sexy it becomes. I think it works best if you go straight to suggesting something positive "I think it would be really hot if you…." "I'm really turned on - can we try XYZ?"
Then, when you're not in the middle of things and you're both basking in the afterglow, you can say something like "oh man, that XYZ was really hot. Sorry to stop you - you weren't doing anything wrong, I just prefer XYZ to blow jobs."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:27 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is just a personal opinion, but I try to avoid saying anything negative in bed, even if it's not anything personal about your partner. People are really sensitive and vulnerable at that time, and if someone told me they didn't like blow jobs I'd just assume they were trying to find a nice way to tell me that they didn't like THIS blow job, and the more you get into the discussion about what you don't like in the heat of the moment, the less sexy it becomes. I think it works best if you go straight to suggesting something positive "I think it would be really hot if you…." "I'm really turned on - can we try XYZ?"
Then, when you're not in the middle of things and you're both basking in the afterglow, you can say something like "oh man, that XYZ was really hot. Sorry to stop you - you weren't doing anything wrong, I just prefer XYZ to blow jobs."
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:27 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Anything you like or don't like in sex is fine.
It's 100% OK not to be that into oral.
Also, you might be having trouble with just the general first time performance anxiety that happens to everybody. I wouldn't write off oral entirely just because, a few times, with a new partner, you lost an erection during that particular act.
I'm a woman, and I don't have an issue with either lube or hand jobs. I've also been with a number of guys who specifically enjoyed them more than oral.
Any woman who is a basically decent human being is going to be fine with your particular sexual quirks (I mean, within reason, if we're talking about scat or really complicated fetishes, YMMV). Stuff like preferring some sex acts more than others, wanting to be touched in a particular way, wanting lube, not liking something, etc. is just part of getting to know a new sexual partner.
Also, you can do anything you want in whatever order you want! There's no reason you have to have oral as a sort of "intermediate" phase between kissing and The Real Stuff. (For one thing, it's all just whatever, there is no The Real Stuff.) Maybe instead of expecting her to go down on you as the lead in to PIV sex, you could go down on her, or finger her? That way she'll be more ready when the time comes, and you'll have time to get over any anxieties that might be contributing to your performance issues.
Also re the whole lube thing. It's weird, I have no problem with lube, but I also tend not to assume that guys have it on hand. So I don't really think to ask for it, either. Definitely feel free to bring that up!
In fact, in general, getting to a place where you can talk openly about little preferences like "I like hand jobs better than oral" or "want to use some lube?" is going to help your sex life a lot.
Also, a quick note:
A girl offering a BJ is often a sign of "no sex, but I'll get you off."
This, from upthread, has not at all been my experience as a woman who has sex with men. I pretty much don't at all offer to blow someone I wouldn't "have sex" with. (Partially because oral sex is sex.) It's not a consolation prize. That feels like a really weird and wrong assumption to make about other people and their motivations. I'm not going to say no woman would ever do that, but I don't think you should make the leap that if oral is suggested, therefore other stuff is off the table. Grownups say "I don't want to have sex right now/with you." They don't communicate via delicate sex-act barter diplomacy.
posted by Sara C. at 4:29 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
It's 100% OK not to be that into oral.
Also, you might be having trouble with just the general first time performance anxiety that happens to everybody. I wouldn't write off oral entirely just because, a few times, with a new partner, you lost an erection during that particular act.
I'm a woman, and I don't have an issue with either lube or hand jobs. I've also been with a number of guys who specifically enjoyed them more than oral.
Any woman who is a basically decent human being is going to be fine with your particular sexual quirks (I mean, within reason, if we're talking about scat or really complicated fetishes, YMMV). Stuff like preferring some sex acts more than others, wanting to be touched in a particular way, wanting lube, not liking something, etc. is just part of getting to know a new sexual partner.
Also, you can do anything you want in whatever order you want! There's no reason you have to have oral as a sort of "intermediate" phase between kissing and The Real Stuff. (For one thing, it's all just whatever, there is no The Real Stuff.) Maybe instead of expecting her to go down on you as the lead in to PIV sex, you could go down on her, or finger her? That way she'll be more ready when the time comes, and you'll have time to get over any anxieties that might be contributing to your performance issues.
Also re the whole lube thing. It's weird, I have no problem with lube, but I also tend not to assume that guys have it on hand. So I don't really think to ask for it, either. Definitely feel free to bring that up!
In fact, in general, getting to a place where you can talk openly about little preferences like "I like hand jobs better than oral" or "want to use some lube?" is going to help your sex life a lot.
Also, a quick note:
A girl offering a BJ is often a sign of "no sex, but I'll get you off."
This, from upthread, has not at all been my experience as a woman who has sex with men. I pretty much don't at all offer to blow someone I wouldn't "have sex" with. (Partially because oral sex is sex.) It's not a consolation prize. That feels like a really weird and wrong assumption to make about other people and their motivations. I'm not going to say no woman would ever do that, but I don't think you should make the leap that if oral is suggested, therefore other stuff is off the table. Grownups say "I don't want to have sex right now/with you." They don't communicate via delicate sex-act barter diplomacy.
posted by Sara C. at 4:29 PM on November 15, 2014 [4 favorites]
i dunno - i've totally blown guys i didn't fuck, either that night or ever. if you know sex is coming up doing some sort of "hey lets skip this" conversation is fine, but i do think sometimes people do have sex only up to a certain point that doesn't include penetration, so it seems useful to be prepared for the idea that piv might not be on the table even if blowjobs are.
also - many, maybe even most, women enjoy lube at some point or all the time - sometimes though there are women who don't like lube - for instance, she might get too wet naturally, she might have an allergy or sensitivity the most common lubes, etc - so you shouldn't just assume she's offended if she doesn't want to use it.
posted by nadawi at 4:36 PM on November 15, 2014
also - many, maybe even most, women enjoy lube at some point or all the time - sometimes though there are women who don't like lube - for instance, she might get too wet naturally, she might have an allergy or sensitivity the most common lubes, etc - so you shouldn't just assume she's offended if she doesn't want to use it.
posted by nadawi at 4:36 PM on November 15, 2014
You're fine. Also, if you google "don't like giving blow jobs", you'll see plenty of ladies who will be DELIGHTED by your preference.
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:44 PM on November 15, 2014
posted by feral_goldfish at 4:44 PM on November 15, 2014
Oh, yeah, there've been times that I've done oral and not done PIV sex, for whatever reason. I meant that I don't think it's safe to assume some kind of implicit communication simply based on what sex acts are on the table at a given moment. You should, you know, be OK with talking about what each of you wants as opposed to assuming women are a hivemind who communicate primarily through the language of blowjobs.
posted by Sara C. at 4:49 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 4:49 PM on November 15, 2014 [2 favorites]
a) it is OK to not like oral sex.
b) I need to communicate better with her about both her preferences and mine.
Yes and yes.
And you say you are new at this, but even if you've been getting it on for decades it's still ok to just not be sure what you really want and ask for experimentation or to slow things down so you can process and catch up.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:01 PM on November 15, 2014
b) I need to communicate better with her about both her preferences and mine.
Yes and yes.
And you say you are new at this, but even if you've been getting it on for decades it's still ok to just not be sure what you really want and ask for experimentation or to slow things down so you can process and catch up.
posted by Dip Flash at 6:01 PM on November 15, 2014
a) women in general view lube as offensive
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive
a) ??? are you squirting it in their eyes and stealing their lunch money? there isn't anything offensive about lube or being asked to use it by either partner, assuming no one has any allergies. As for some guy having it right next to the bed, this is so 100% totally normal for humans with dicks that I don't even know where to start. It's as normal as breathing oxygen.
b) there was a long thread on the blue about handjobs and i think the general lady consensus was "they're kind of tedious and we know you can do it better than we can".
posted by poffin boffin at 6:06 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive
a) ??? are you squirting it in their eyes and stealing their lunch money? there isn't anything offensive about lube or being asked to use it by either partner, assuming no one has any allergies. As for some guy having it right next to the bed, this is so 100% totally normal for humans with dicks that I don't even know where to start. It's as normal as breathing oxygen.
b) there was a long thread on the blue about handjobs and i think the general lady consensus was "they're kind of tedious and we know you can do it better than we can".
posted by poffin boffin at 6:06 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Assuming you have a few partners, and some casual, take more control. Do her orally then penetrate.
Or indicate you want to go to penetration hotly. Say I can't wait to, etc.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:22 PM on November 15, 2014
Or indicate you want to go to penetration hotly. Say I can't wait to, etc.
posted by Ironmouth at 6:22 PM on November 15, 2014
As for some guy having it right next to the bed, this is so 100% totally normal for humans with dicks that I don't even know where to start.
Caveat: make sure it is a condom-friendly lube (or switch your brand of rubbers to be compatible with the lube). And definitely make sure it is fine for people with sensitive skin; it's rude to give people rashes.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:07 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
Caveat: make sure it is a condom-friendly lube (or switch your brand of rubbers to be compatible with the lube). And definitely make sure it is fine for people with sensitive skin; it's rude to give people rashes.
posted by Dip Flash at 7:07 PM on November 15, 2014 [1 favorite]
There's nothing wrong with you at all. Yes it's perfectly fine to ask her to skip it. There are guys like you. I don't know if there are many of them, but they are around... and everyone has their own preferences.
And FYI even among men who do like it there is a relatively significant percentage that cannot come via oral sex so even among men who enjoy it there are plenty that very much prefer penetration given the choice.
posted by rancher at 7:21 PM on November 15, 2014
And FYI even among men who do like it there is a relatively significant percentage that cannot come via oral sex so even among men who enjoy it there are plenty that very much prefer penetration given the choice.
posted by rancher at 7:21 PM on November 15, 2014
First up: you like what you like, you don't like what you don't like, and that's fine.
However: if you're not actually squicked out by any particular sexual technique, and the issue is simply a failure to get off on it, that might well be an inexperience thing. If the sensations you're feeling are completely different to those you're accustomed to feeling on the way to getting off, it's easy for thoughts like "wtf? why doesn't this feel the way it should?" to intrude into your sexytimes and turn fun into disturbing confusion.
Loss of erection is extremely likely to derail the fun if you're not experienced enough to realize that erections are not always required and can in fact sometimes be a complete nuisance.
Rather than telling your partner either verbally or nonverbally that "I don't like X, let's do Y instead" you might want to let them know that you simply don't have much experience with X and that persisting in trying to get you off that way might turn out to be more difficult than they expect.
Also: it's well worth letting go of the idea that sex is a goal-oriented activity with simultaneous orgasm at the end. It so isn't. Shift your focus to the fact that right here right now we are two people who have nothing more pressing to do than play with each other's bodies - and then play.
I recommend that you practice concentrating on what's going on right now instead of letting yourself become distracted by comparing that to some template of how you think things are supposed to go, and loss of erection is actually quite a good opportunity to do that. When you next find yourself thinking "omg it's going soft no no no this can't be right", remind yourself to return your attention to the touch of your partner's skin, the warmth of them, the weight of them, the scent of them, the strength of them, the shape of them, and what the two of you are doing together right this instant.
Sex is as much fun as you can let it be.
posted by flabdablet at 8:15 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
However: if you're not actually squicked out by any particular sexual technique, and the issue is simply a failure to get off on it, that might well be an inexperience thing. If the sensations you're feeling are completely different to those you're accustomed to feeling on the way to getting off, it's easy for thoughts like "wtf? why doesn't this feel the way it should?" to intrude into your sexytimes and turn fun into disturbing confusion.
Loss of erection is extremely likely to derail the fun if you're not experienced enough to realize that erections are not always required and can in fact sometimes be a complete nuisance.
Rather than telling your partner either verbally or nonverbally that "I don't like X, let's do Y instead" you might want to let them know that you simply don't have much experience with X and that persisting in trying to get you off that way might turn out to be more difficult than they expect.
Also: it's well worth letting go of the idea that sex is a goal-oriented activity with simultaneous orgasm at the end. It so isn't. Shift your focus to the fact that right here right now we are two people who have nothing more pressing to do than play with each other's bodies - and then play.
I recommend that you practice concentrating on what's going on right now instead of letting yourself become distracted by comparing that to some template of how you think things are supposed to go, and loss of erection is actually quite a good opportunity to do that. When you next find yourself thinking "omg it's going soft no no no this can't be right", remind yourself to return your attention to the touch of your partner's skin, the warmth of them, the weight of them, the scent of them, the strength of them, the shape of them, and what the two of you are doing together right this instant.
Sex is as much fun as you can let it be.
posted by flabdablet at 8:15 PM on November 15, 2014 [6 favorites]
Speaking as a woman...
But my fear is that:
a) women in general view lube as offensive
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive ("Why is he asking for Y when I offered X?")
a) No and b) No
Just say, "I don't enjoy receiving oral sex." Personally, I don't either. Yeah, your partners might think it's a little weird, but generally they should not find it weird enough to refuse to have sex with you at all.
So just tell them what you do like and what you don't like and proceed from there. If they have a major problem with your preferences, then they're not a good match and best to find that out sooner rather than later.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:30 AM on November 16, 2014
But my fear is that:
a) women in general view lube as offensive
b) women view hand-jobs as offensive ("Why is he asking for Y when I offered X?")
a) No and b) No
Just say, "I don't enjoy receiving oral sex." Personally, I don't either. Yeah, your partners might think it's a little weird, but generally they should not find it weird enough to refuse to have sex with you at all.
So just tell them what you do like and what you don't like and proceed from there. If they have a major problem with your preferences, then they're not a good match and best to find that out sooner rather than later.
posted by Jacqueline at 12:30 AM on November 16, 2014
I'd take a good guess she'd be up for Metasarah's suggestion ;).. but you never know til you ask
posted by tanktop at 3:06 AM on November 16, 2014
posted by tanktop at 3:06 AM on November 16, 2014
A useful redirect might be to encourage a titfuck if your partner has tits.
posted by Mistress at 3:57 AM on November 16, 2014
posted by Mistress at 3:57 AM on November 16, 2014
Not everyone enjoys oral sex. Not everyone knows how to give oral sex in a way that can be enjoyable. Refusal can be hot if done right. "No, not that, I can't wait to be inside of you." or, "Tonight is all about making you feel good. Show me how you like to be touched."
posted by myselfasme at 5:08 AM on November 16, 2014
posted by myselfasme at 5:08 AM on November 16, 2014
Just pointing out... lube tastes gross, even the flavoured ones, so if you want to keep trying the oral sex thing (which you totally do not have to do; just repeating for emphasis that it is always completely okay to not like what you don't like) using lube may detract from your partner's enthusiasm if, e.g., you go from a handjob to a blowjob. Also, flavoured lubes can cause unpleasant vaginal reactions if you go that route.
Masturbating too much is probably not an issue. Death-grip masturbating can be, however, because you're not going to get the same stimulation from a mouth or a vagina. It may serve you in good stead both with this partner and for future partners to vary your masturbation habits--different grip, switch hands even, that sort of thing.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:23 AM on November 16, 2014
Masturbating too much is probably not an issue. Death-grip masturbating can be, however, because you're not going to get the same stimulation from a mouth or a vagina. It may serve you in good stead both with this partner and for future partners to vary your masturbation habits--different grip, switch hands even, that sort of thing.
posted by feckless fecal fear mongering at 5:23 AM on November 16, 2014
I think the notion that fellatio is a step in the process must come from porn. Fifty years ago, most women would have said "ain't gonna do that." Porn makers like it because it's easy to photograph, and it's an addition to a fairly limited set of positions and activities with which to fill the required time.
The RIGHT thing to do is to ask what the lady is comfortable with, and afterwards say that you would just as soon skip the oral unless its important to her.
posted by SemiSalt at 8:37 AM on November 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
The RIGHT thing to do is to ask what the lady is comfortable with, and afterwards say that you would just as soon skip the oral unless its important to her.
posted by SemiSalt at 8:37 AM on November 16, 2014 [1 favorite]
Only speaking for myself here, but I would be in no way offended if leading up to the event (i.e. BEFORE it's happened), someone told me, "This might be a little unusual, but oral does nothing for me. But I would love it if you touched me." Or however you want to say it. It would be a little awkward after it's actually happened and would probably be more likely to make the person you're with think it had to do with their personal execution of it.
I find lube very inoffensive and a nice indicator that the person is open about sex enough to be comfortable buying it and to be okay with what gets them off, which are good signs to a potentially communicative and fulfilling sex life. It seems like circumcised guys tend to need some sort of lubrication in order for hand jobs to feel nice. Que sera sera.
posted by mermily at 4:58 PM on November 16, 2014
I find lube very inoffensive and a nice indicator that the person is open about sex enough to be comfortable buying it and to be okay with what gets them off, which are good signs to a potentially communicative and fulfilling sex life. It seems like circumcised guys tend to need some sort of lubrication in order for hand jobs to feel nice. Que sera sera.
posted by mermily at 4:58 PM on November 16, 2014
You're probably subconsciously worried that your dick stinks and will taste bad. To help you deal with this, pop off to the loo to "freshen up" prior to ceremonies, and give your junk a thorough going over with an antibacterial wet wipe and then a good rinse with warm water (to get rid of the antibacterial taste).
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:20 PM on November 16, 2014
posted by turbid dahlia at 8:20 PM on November 16, 2014
« Older How can I get a dealership to pay me for a car I... | Help me become an informed commuter bike consumer? Newer »
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Alterscape at 2:27 PM on November 15, 2014 [5 favorites]