One night stand confusion
November 13, 2014 12:32 PM Subscribe
Does this have potential to turn into a relationship?
Met him online, and last Wednesday asked to see me on Friday. We got along really well. He was decent, asked me questions, paid for everything, listened to him, and we were talking a lot and very affectionate even though he was a bit shy as well. We danced and laughed. He said he'd pay for my taxi home but then asked me to have a drink at his first, so I said yes. We ended up sleeping together, and then we hung out with his housemate. He asked me to hang out more but I had to leave as I worked the next morning. This is my first one night stand and now I'm sort of confused with what to do next time I see him, if it's ok to sleep with him or if we should rewind and start over. Also, because I was so happy and emotional, I ended up crying! The sex was amazing, much better than with my previous ex who was selfish and never made me come. He said he didn't mind that I cried, that it can happen to everyone. To be honest I do tend to cry when I orgasm, but I hope he doesn't think it's because I didn't enjoy it.
He said he'd like to see me again and I said the same. Before we met, our texting was quite slow with many days in between. But he did text this week saying that Friday was by far the best day because he met a cool girl. I answered him straight away as I was online on whatssap saying I met a cool guy too, but he didn't answer for two days. Then a couple days later he said he would see me soon. But now it's Thursday and he still hasn't set a date for this weekend. Today when he said good luck on my interview, I replied that I would tell him how it went when I see him. He hasn't answered. Now it will seem desperate if I text again asking to see him tomorrow. He lives during the week in another country until Christmas, and spends weekends here in London, so I understand if he is really busy with other things on weekends, but if he liked me he'd want to see me no?
I've searched on ask meta about this topic and have found some useful advice such as that many relationships have come from one night stands. I'm not necessarily sure if I want to be in a relationship with him as I don't know him well, but I do want to get to know him and see if we connect, and won't be sleeping with him until I feel we emotionally connect and that he isn't in it just for the sex, but not sure if this is alright as we've already slept together and now I seem easy.
So my questions tat I have that I haven't found on ask meta are:
- how should I deal with it if he wants to sleep with me on the second date? Will it be playing games if I say I want to know him better first?
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
-does it seem like he likes me, or do you think he got weirded out that i cried..
Thank you.
Met him online, and last Wednesday asked to see me on Friday. We got along really well. He was decent, asked me questions, paid for everything, listened to him, and we were talking a lot and very affectionate even though he was a bit shy as well. We danced and laughed. He said he'd pay for my taxi home but then asked me to have a drink at his first, so I said yes. We ended up sleeping together, and then we hung out with his housemate. He asked me to hang out more but I had to leave as I worked the next morning. This is my first one night stand and now I'm sort of confused with what to do next time I see him, if it's ok to sleep with him or if we should rewind and start over. Also, because I was so happy and emotional, I ended up crying! The sex was amazing, much better than with my previous ex who was selfish and never made me come. He said he didn't mind that I cried, that it can happen to everyone. To be honest I do tend to cry when I orgasm, but I hope he doesn't think it's because I didn't enjoy it.
He said he'd like to see me again and I said the same. Before we met, our texting was quite slow with many days in between. But he did text this week saying that Friday was by far the best day because he met a cool girl. I answered him straight away as I was online on whatssap saying I met a cool guy too, but he didn't answer for two days. Then a couple days later he said he would see me soon. But now it's Thursday and he still hasn't set a date for this weekend. Today when he said good luck on my interview, I replied that I would tell him how it went when I see him. He hasn't answered. Now it will seem desperate if I text again asking to see him tomorrow. He lives during the week in another country until Christmas, and spends weekends here in London, so I understand if he is really busy with other things on weekends, but if he liked me he'd want to see me no?
I've searched on ask meta about this topic and have found some useful advice such as that many relationships have come from one night stands. I'm not necessarily sure if I want to be in a relationship with him as I don't know him well, but I do want to get to know him and see if we connect, and won't be sleeping with him until I feel we emotionally connect and that he isn't in it just for the sex, but not sure if this is alright as we've already slept together and now I seem easy.
So my questions tat I have that I haven't found on ask meta are:
- how should I deal with it if he wants to sleep with me on the second date? Will it be playing games if I say I want to know him better first?
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
-does it seem like he likes me, or do you think he got weirded out that i cried..
Thank you.
And not to make you feel strange or upset, but I have no idea what this means:
Friday was by far the best day because he met a cool girl. I answered him straight away as I was online on whatssap saying I met a cool guy too
Is he talking about you? Does he know you're talking about him? This sounds like a really vague potentially flirty but potentially not at all flirty conversation. I can't gauge the tone at all, but he might not have known you meant him - and he might not have meant you were the cool girl. Which is why you should be direct. "Hey, would you still like to go on a date tomorrow evening? I'm figuring out my plans for the weekend!" would be exactly what I would text him were I you.
posted by sockermom at 12:41 PM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
Friday was by far the best day because he met a cool girl. I answered him straight away as I was online on whatssap saying I met a cool guy too
Is he talking about you? Does he know you're talking about him? This sounds like a really vague potentially flirty but potentially not at all flirty conversation. I can't gauge the tone at all, but he might not have known you meant him - and he might not have meant you were the cool girl. Which is why you should be direct. "Hey, would you still like to go on a date tomorrow evening? I'm figuring out my plans for the weekend!" would be exactly what I would text him were I you.
posted by sockermom at 12:41 PM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]
- how should I deal with it if he wants to sleep with me on the second date? Will it be playing games if I say I want to know him better first?
If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. If not, don't. It's only playing games if you're dishonest and trying to manipulate him.
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
Don't wait for him. Text him (or whatever the kids do these days) and say "Hey, are you in London this weekend? Want to grab dinner/drinks at $RESTAURANT on $DAY?"
do you think he got weirded out that i cried..
Maybe, but if it's something you do often then he's going to have to deal, and if that's the reason he's not asking you out then you're not compatible anyway.
It will save you a lot of time and angst in relationships if you are a) very direct and b) honest about your desires.
posted by desjardins at 12:45 PM on November 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
If you want to sleep with him, sleep with him. If not, don't. It's only playing games if you're dishonest and trying to manipulate him.
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
Don't wait for him. Text him (or whatever the kids do these days) and say "Hey, are you in London this weekend? Want to grab dinner/drinks at $RESTAURANT on $DAY?"
do you think he got weirded out that i cried..
Maybe, but if it's something you do often then he's going to have to deal, and if that's the reason he's not asking you out then you're not compatible anyway.
It will save you a lot of time and angst in relationships if you are a) very direct and b) honest about your desires.
posted by desjardins at 12:45 PM on November 13, 2014 [5 favorites]
Just so you have some frame of reference, you've texted your guy more in one week than my fiancé and I have texted all month.
Some guys just really aren't big into texting, and neither are some girls.
Really what I'm saying is, try not to make too many assumptions based on how much/how little he is texting you.
posted by JenThePro at 12:48 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Some guys just really aren't big into texting, and neither are some girls.
Really what I'm saying is, try not to make too many assumptions based on how much/how little he is texting you.
posted by JenThePro at 12:48 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Women routinely cry during sex or at the point of orgasm. If that weirds him out, he's gonna have a bad time.
Anyway, you don't seem to have a lot on the line here so were it me I'd send him a text or whatever that just straight up said "I think you're cool and I'd like to date and get to know you if you're into it."
I'd explicitly use the word date because a) you're adults and b) it clarifies that you're not in the market for hookups or FWB.
If you don't ask, you don't get. Use your words. State what you want.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:52 PM on November 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Anyway, you don't seem to have a lot on the line here so were it me I'd send him a text or whatever that just straight up said "I think you're cool and I'd like to date and get to know you if you're into it."
I'd explicitly use the word date because a) you're adults and b) it clarifies that you're not in the market for hookups or FWB.
If you don't ask, you don't get. Use your words. State what you want.
posted by DarlingBri at 12:52 PM on November 13, 2014 [8 favorites]
Don't think too hard. I don't know about a relationship, but start with a second date. It seems like he wants to hang out/sleep with you again.
posted by discopolo at 1:06 PM on November 13, 2014
posted by discopolo at 1:06 PM on November 13, 2014
Text him something like "Want to grab a drink at [specific place] on Saturday at [time]?"
If he doesn't reply promptly, it was just a one night stand and he's not into you.
If he turns you down without proposing an alternative meeting ("What about tomorrow at 9?" "Could we do it somewhere closer to Euston Station?" etc), it was just a one night stand and he's not into you.
If he says yes -- whether unequivocally or after a little conversation to nail down the details -- great!
If he does nothing and then like 11:30 Saturday night sends you a booty call text, yeah this dude has no respect for you and just wants to screw around.
Re your specific questions at the end:
- Re sex on the second date: do what you want. Have sex with him, don't, whatever. If he likes you, none of this will matter. If he doesn't like you, why waste your time?
- Re this weekend or next weekend: we do not have enough information to know this. I tend to feel like if someone isn't into you enough to want to see you allthefuckingtime at first, they're probably not that into you. However, it sounds like this guy has a lot going on, travels a lot, and potentially has a lot to get done on weekends. Even if someone really likes you, they probably have a life, you know? If he says something like, "This weekend sucks for me, I have plans with my friend so and so to do blah..." I think that's fine. But if it's just radio silence and then he resurfaces in a week, I'd be pretty turned off by that. Someone who really likes you wants to talk and communicate, not just use you as as a sex delivery service.
- Re whether he likes you: it is way too early to know and also we really don't have enough information. I mean, IDK, he doesn't sound passionately in love or anything, but you've known him all of two weeks so who the fuck knows.
Also, confused by what you mean when you said he asked to reschedule getting together because he "met a cool girl." If you mean he's telling you that he met someone else he'd like to date, and is postponing your next date so that he can spend time with her, OMG NO STOP THIS GUY IS NOT INTO YOU LIKE AT ALLLLLLLL.
No idea about the crying thing. I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Sara C. at 1:08 PM on November 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
If he doesn't reply promptly, it was just a one night stand and he's not into you.
If he turns you down without proposing an alternative meeting ("What about tomorrow at 9?" "Could we do it somewhere closer to Euston Station?" etc), it was just a one night stand and he's not into you.
If he says yes -- whether unequivocally or after a little conversation to nail down the details -- great!
If he does nothing and then like 11:30 Saturday night sends you a booty call text, yeah this dude has no respect for you and just wants to screw around.
Re your specific questions at the end:
- Re sex on the second date: do what you want. Have sex with him, don't, whatever. If he likes you, none of this will matter. If he doesn't like you, why waste your time?
- Re this weekend or next weekend: we do not have enough information to know this. I tend to feel like if someone isn't into you enough to want to see you allthefuckingtime at first, they're probably not that into you. However, it sounds like this guy has a lot going on, travels a lot, and potentially has a lot to get done on weekends. Even if someone really likes you, they probably have a life, you know? If he says something like, "This weekend sucks for me, I have plans with my friend so and so to do blah..." I think that's fine. But if it's just radio silence and then he resurfaces in a week, I'd be pretty turned off by that. Someone who really likes you wants to talk and communicate, not just use you as as a sex delivery service.
- Re whether he likes you: it is way too early to know and also we really don't have enough information. I mean, IDK, he doesn't sound passionately in love or anything, but you've known him all of two weeks so who the fuck knows.
Also, confused by what you mean when you said he asked to reschedule getting together because he "met a cool girl." If you mean he's telling you that he met someone else he'd like to date, and is postponing your next date so that he can spend time with her, OMG NO STOP THIS GUY IS NOT INTO YOU LIKE AT ALLLLLLLL.
No idea about the crying thing. I wouldn't worry about it.
posted by Sara C. at 1:08 PM on November 13, 2014 [13 favorites]
To the best of my knowledge and in my experience, waiting to have sex with a man does not tell you whether or not he's in it "just for the sex." Men who are in it just for the sex are good at stringing women along while the women put in all this emotional effort to figure out whether there's an "emotional connection." The real way to find out if a guy is in it just for the sex is to have sex with him.
In other words, don't have sex with him if you don't want to. But don't stop having sex with him because you think it will enlighten you about anything. In fact, I suspect it will just mess with your head to hang out with a guy who you know is a great sexual partner but you think you shouldn't have sex with him. You probably won't be seeing him clearly through that brain chatter.
posted by janey47 at 1:12 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
In other words, don't have sex with him if you don't want to. But don't stop having sex with him because you think it will enlighten you about anything. In fact, I suspect it will just mess with your head to hang out with a guy who you know is a great sexual partner but you think you shouldn't have sex with him. You probably won't be seeing him clearly through that brain chatter.
posted by janey47 at 1:12 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Beanplate. Overthinking. Because you want it so much.
After a first-date hookup, either both people are absolutely certain they've met their soulmate (my buddy and his wife of ten years), or both people are wondering, "What now?". Not without their own personal hopes, but it's uncertain.
You've made it pretty clear you're interested. Now he has to reciprocate; obviously, if you initiate 90% of the communication, the relationship will continue to feel uncertain.
If he wants a second date, you've made it easy for him to ask for one.
If you want to have sex, do.
If you don't, don't, and simply explain that you feel like you got so emotional last time that you'd like to get your head together before you two get seriously naked again. This plays off of the "oops, I'm crying" embarassed moment, without really meaning anything - maybe next time, maybe never. Which is appropriate.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:20 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
After a first-date hookup, either both people are absolutely certain they've met their soulmate (my buddy and his wife of ten years), or both people are wondering, "What now?". Not without their own personal hopes, but it's uncertain.
You've made it pretty clear you're interested. Now he has to reciprocate; obviously, if you initiate 90% of the communication, the relationship will continue to feel uncertain.
If he wants a second date, you've made it easy for him to ask for one.
If you want to have sex, do.
If you don't, don't, and simply explain that you feel like you got so emotional last time that you'd like to get your head together before you two get seriously naked again. This plays off of the "oops, I'm crying" embarassed moment, without really meaning anything - maybe next time, maybe never. Which is appropriate.
posted by IAmBroom at 1:20 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
I'm in a relationship that began with a one-night stand. It became more than just a single night not because either of us was looking for more (in fact, we decidedly weren't), but because we started talking to each other the morning after and basically never stopped. It had nothing to do with how often we talked (which was almost entirely via text). It had everything to do with the *talking*. Two people, having conversations - not even necessarily about relationship stuff, but about our lives.
Talk to each other. Put as much into it as you're comfortable putting into it. If he's not meeting your expectations as a potential friend or partner or whatever, walk away - but don't walk because you're second-guessing his actions.
posted by okayokayigive at 1:40 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Talk to each other. Put as much into it as you're comfortable putting into it. If he's not meeting your expectations as a potential friend or partner or whatever, walk away - but don't walk because you're second-guessing his actions.
posted by okayokayigive at 1:40 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
EVERYTHING IS JUST FINE. RELAX :))
#1 - Don't text again. Wait until he replies. Don't ask him out. Just be normal.
#2 - He will likely ask you out again. Relax!! Stop waiting around for him. Forget about it in the meantime.
#3 - Yes, sleep with him again if you want to. I think trying to do the whole "let's take it slow" thing after you've been intimate is weird, but whatever.
#4 - Crying from great sex is not weird. Trying to erase the existence of a fabulous one night stand is weird. Why does it matter that you had sex on the first date? Stop worrying about that.
Enjoy it for what it is. Don't bean plate. If the "spark" isn't there for you the next time you see each other, absolutely don't sleep with him.
Enjoy. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 1:42 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
#1 - Don't text again. Wait until he replies. Don't ask him out. Just be normal.
#2 - He will likely ask you out again. Relax!! Stop waiting around for him. Forget about it in the meantime.
#3 - Yes, sleep with him again if you want to. I think trying to do the whole "let's take it slow" thing after you've been intimate is weird, but whatever.
#4 - Crying from great sex is not weird. Trying to erase the existence of a fabulous one night stand is weird. Why does it matter that you had sex on the first date? Stop worrying about that.
Enjoy it for what it is. Don't bean plate. If the "spark" isn't there for you the next time you see each other, absolutely don't sleep with him.
Enjoy. Good luck.
posted by jbenben at 1:42 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Going to repeat what DarlingBri said above: State what you want. It's a good lesson for life in general. In your particular situation, it's too early to tell if he's just busy or dicking you around. But you can usually tell within a short time.
I have been in similar dating situations. They are gung ho for a few days (or even weeks) and then they start doing the slow fade. Sometimes they do the slow fade but they throw you a bone of communication once a while to (a) keep you on retainer and/or (b) to get their ego stroked. Either way, not worth sticking around for. Maybe he's not great at texting, but I think that if someone is into you and wants to move forward, they'll keep the lines of communication wide open. I'm often the world's shittiest person at returning texts, but I know I would make extra effort if a guy I liked was texting me.
As for the question of "Does he like me like that?" I have been with my partner for 8+ years and I have never asked myself that. Nor did I ask myself that in my last LTR, which lasted for 3 years and ended amicably. Their actions told me they did. They wanted to hear from me and responded when I came calling. And I found that the people who are worth waiting around for actually don't leave you waiting around for them.
posted by futureisunwritten at 2:05 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
I have been in similar dating situations. They are gung ho for a few days (or even weeks) and then they start doing the slow fade. Sometimes they do the slow fade but they throw you a bone of communication once a while to (a) keep you on retainer and/or (b) to get their ego stroked. Either way, not worth sticking around for. Maybe he's not great at texting, but I think that if someone is into you and wants to move forward, they'll keep the lines of communication wide open. I'm often the world's shittiest person at returning texts, but I know I would make extra effort if a guy I liked was texting me.
As for the question of "Does he like me like that?" I have been with my partner for 8+ years and I have never asked myself that. Nor did I ask myself that in my last LTR, which lasted for 3 years and ended amicably. Their actions told me they did. They wanted to hear from me and responded when I came calling. And I found that the people who are worth waiting around for actually don't leave you waiting around for them.
posted by futureisunwritten at 2:05 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
If you want to see him again, set a time. You shouldn't be pretending you're living in a Jane Austen novel sitting around hoping your suitor will call upon you; doing so today is just another way of playing games and manipulating.
Stop texting. Call him and ask if he wants to get together at X time at X place. If he does, you have your answer. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If he says he can't and he suggests a new time and place, you have your answer. If he says he can't but doesn't suggest a new time and place, you have your answer.
Pretending you're helpless and unable to ask for what you want isn't going to get anyone anywhere.
posted by Justinian at 2:21 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Stop texting. Call him and ask if he wants to get together at X time at X place. If he does, you have your answer. If he doesn't, you have your answer. If he says he can't and he suggests a new time and place, you have your answer. If he says he can't but doesn't suggest a new time and place, you have your answer.
Pretending you're helpless and unable to ask for what you want isn't going to get anyone anywhere.
posted by Justinian at 2:21 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is my first one night stand and now I'm sort of confused with what to do next time I see him
Darlin', there are no rule. None. You do and ask and say whatever feels right.
- how should I deal with it if he wants to sleep with me on the second date? Will it be playing games if I say I want to know him better first?
There's no harm in asking aloud what you ask in your mind. Try saying it aloud now, just to hear yourself ask it: "Hey is it weird if I want to hang out with you this time without having sex?"
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
-does it seem like he likes me, or do you think he got weirded out that i cried.
There's no way to ascribe intention to other peoples' actions without asking about their intentions. We're just not standardized that way. It's normal to wonder these things when you start to feel those woozy, lusty pangs of attraction, but there's no way to tell without talking about it with this person. Have you ever heard that adage, "there's nothing as strange as people?" That's what it means--you just don't know until you know.
You can always try being assertive instead of waiting for him to take that role. Propose a date, a time, a location, see if he can accommodate it or suggest something more workable. When you meet up, enjoy yourself. Listen to the flow of your conversation. If it gets intimate, tell him what you told us--sometimes I get emotional and a little tearful when I come, did that freak you out?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:21 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
Darlin', there are no rule. None. You do and ask and say whatever feels right.
- how should I deal with it if he wants to sleep with me on the second date? Will it be playing games if I say I want to know him better first?
There's no harm in asking aloud what you ask in your mind. Try saying it aloud now, just to hear yourself ask it: "Hey is it weird if I want to hang out with you this time without having sex?"
- if he doesn't ask me out until next weekend, is this a bad sign, shouldn't he want to see me this weekend?
-does it seem like he likes me, or do you think he got weirded out that i cried.
There's no way to ascribe intention to other peoples' actions without asking about their intentions. We're just not standardized that way. It's normal to wonder these things when you start to feel those woozy, lusty pangs of attraction, but there's no way to tell without talking about it with this person. Have you ever heard that adage, "there's nothing as strange as people?" That's what it means--you just don't know until you know.
You can always try being assertive instead of waiting for him to take that role. Propose a date, a time, a location, see if he can accommodate it or suggest something more workable. When you meet up, enjoy yourself. Listen to the flow of your conversation. If it gets intimate, tell him what you told us--sometimes I get emotional and a little tearful when I come, did that freak you out?
posted by late afternoon dreaming hotel at 3:21 PM on November 13, 2014 [1 favorite]
You're facing some anxiety. Just acknowledge and let it pass. if it is going to work out, it will. Be a little mysterious to him.
posted by Ironmouth at 3:23 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Ironmouth at 3:23 PM on November 13, 2014 [2 favorites]
Who knows? It might be worth, I don't know, calling and talking to him to find out. Texting is only good for transmitting information. It's not the medium to forward communication in a dating relationship.
I'm about getting my freak on as much as the next person, but if I really want to start a relationship, I might not sleep with my date on the first night. Not because I'm playing games, but because sex and feelings really complicate things when you're first meeting someone.
Sex with strangers is a completely different thing and there are NO other expectations associated with it. Do you really care if that guy you made out with at that party ever calls you again? No, you invested nothing in that.
When you put yourself out there to date and find a mate/partner, you ARE investing in the people that you meet. So while you may have good connections, it's not smart to have sex right off because you don't know him well enough or yourself when you're with him. It's a new thing that you want to grow into a long term thing.
If your aim was to meet nice people and to have lots of sex, then all you need to do is keep doing what you're doing. If your aim is to meet a nice person to partner with, then you need to actually get to know that person to the point where you're comfortable telling him what you WANT, so that when you do have sex, you're adding a wonderful layer to an already awesome relationship.
So call this guy and talk to him. Ask him out. If he puts you off, the ball's in his court, he can make the next date with you. In the mean time, move on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:10 PM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
I'm about getting my freak on as much as the next person, but if I really want to start a relationship, I might not sleep with my date on the first night. Not because I'm playing games, but because sex and feelings really complicate things when you're first meeting someone.
Sex with strangers is a completely different thing and there are NO other expectations associated with it. Do you really care if that guy you made out with at that party ever calls you again? No, you invested nothing in that.
When you put yourself out there to date and find a mate/partner, you ARE investing in the people that you meet. So while you may have good connections, it's not smart to have sex right off because you don't know him well enough or yourself when you're with him. It's a new thing that you want to grow into a long term thing.
If your aim was to meet nice people and to have lots of sex, then all you need to do is keep doing what you're doing. If your aim is to meet a nice person to partner with, then you need to actually get to know that person to the point where you're comfortable telling him what you WANT, so that when you do have sex, you're adding a wonderful layer to an already awesome relationship.
So call this guy and talk to him. Ask him out. If he puts you off, the ball's in his court, he can make the next date with you. In the mean time, move on.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:10 PM on November 13, 2014 [3 favorites]
Don't take it personally that he hasn't made plans to see you this weekend, as there's a possibility he's already booked. A part of me would be a wee bit irked about how vague his text message "he will see you soon" comes across, and how there seems to be no attempt on his part to make a concrete plan especially since you've implicitly expressed that you want to see him again ("I would tell him how it went when I see him"). I'd give him the benefit of the doubt this one time and not let it get to me... *but* let him make the next move.
Also: I think that a guy worthy of your time will not judge you for crying during/after sex and will respect your wishes to take things slow.
Hope it works out!
posted by tackypink at 8:53 PM on November 13, 2014
Also: I think that a guy worthy of your time will not judge you for crying during/after sex and will respect your wishes to take things slow.
Hope it works out!
posted by tackypink at 8:53 PM on November 13, 2014
Response by poster: Hello,
Thank you for your answers, they are always so insightful. It seems that some of you thought I should text and others thought to wait. I was about to text him last night when he texted me saying that he just landed from the airplane and if he could see me satirist day time. To me that's good news because he wants to spend time with me. I don't belive in playing hard to get but sometimes I think im too available and too open! Dating scene is confusing to me. But I'll relax now.
posted by akita at 3:40 AM on November 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
Thank you for your answers, they are always so insightful. It seems that some of you thought I should text and others thought to wait. I was about to text him last night when he texted me saying that he just landed from the airplane and if he could see me satirist day time. To me that's good news because he wants to spend time with me. I don't belive in playing hard to get but sometimes I think im too available and too open! Dating scene is confusing to me. But I'll relax now.
posted by akita at 3:40 AM on November 14, 2014 [1 favorite]
This is just an opinion from an "old" person (at least a mid-30s and married person), but anyone who thinks less of you because you're "too available" is not worth your time. What a stupid reason to throw away a good relationship prospect. I'm with the others who say if you want to text someone, text them, and if you want to see someone, see them.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:24 AM on November 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by treehorn+bunny at 5:24 AM on November 14, 2014 [7 favorites]
Just do what you want to do, and don't do what you don't want to do, and the dating scene will be a lot less confusing.
posted by Sara C. at 1:23 PM on November 14, 2014
posted by Sara C. at 1:23 PM on November 14, 2014
Response by poster: We went out today, he invited me for dinner and then bought cupcakes. We ended up sleeping together again, but also spoke loads and I got to know him better and he said see you soon. I then had to go to a party, I really hope he's not just using me for sex though! He's ten years older than me, and I'm a bit nervous around him, and still want to get to know him better but we seem to connect.
posted by akita at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2014
posted by akita at 4:48 PM on November 15, 2014
We ended up sleeping together again... I really hope he's not just using me for sex though!
You didn't end up doing anything; you made a choice. It's a perfectly valid choice you're entitled to make as a healthy, sexually active adult. The question of whether he is using you for sex is no more valid than the question of whether you are using him for sex.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:38 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
You didn't end up doing anything; you made a choice. It's a perfectly valid choice you're entitled to make as a healthy, sexually active adult. The question of whether he is using you for sex is no more valid than the question of whether you are using him for sex.
posted by DarlingBri at 9:38 PM on November 15, 2014 [3 favorites]
If you know you want more than sex you'll need to say it. After my now-boyfriend and I slept together for the first time I said "you're still going to call me right?" he said something like "yeah, I met a brilliant, hilarious, sexy girl and I'm just never going to call her again - of course I'll call!" And when, three dates later I realized that I wanted to have a relationship I said "I'd be more comfortable if we were boyfriend and girlfriend and if we were exclusive" and he said "we aren't already?" And those two things made me realize that we weren't communicating well, so I started communicating with him more. You can and should ask for what you want. It's very important, because neither of you is a mind reader.
posted by sockermom at 1:19 PM on November 16, 2014
posted by sockermom at 1:19 PM on November 16, 2014
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It's not desperate for you to text him and say "Still interested in doing something tomorrow? I'm making plans for the weekend now." It's straightforward and honest. It would be game playing if you just waited to hear and wanted to see him but were trying to wait to see if he wanted to see you enough to firm up plans.
If he doesn't ask you out until next weekend, that's not a "sign" of anything, it's just... he doesn't want to see you until next weekend.
I have no idea if he got weirded out when you cried. No one knows but him. He'll have to communicate with you directly if he did ("That weirded me out and I didn't know what to do").
posted by sockermom at 12:38 PM on November 13, 2014 [6 favorites]