One night stand aftermath?

September 7, 2010 2:34 PM

What do *You* do/what are your thoughts after having an "amazing" one night stand with someone you met through an online dating site? I put that adjective in quotes because maybe I'm the only one who thought so...

I know, I know. I shouldn't be sleeping with a dude the first date/night and expect ANYthing afterward. I think after doing this a handful of times, I'm quicker to get over the disappointment, the frenzy, and I'm able to just delete them out of my phone and know with almost 100% certainty they're never going to contact me.

Yet.

I'd like to know if there's a common reaction amongst MeFi-tes after you've had a one night stand. I talked to this guy on OkCupid, we met up, we clicked, drank one too many and suddenly I find myself doing the walk of shame the next morning.

The sex was fabulous and frequent. He seemed to be enjoying it, I definitely did. I set my alarm because I needed to leave with a quickness for work and sent him a quick "had a nice time, let's hangout again" text. He responded in agreement. I've been trying to set up another meeting and he's being vague.

I'll get over that. I just want to know from your own personal experiences what this is all about. Is it that you think if they can sleep with you on a first date, they're probably doing it with other people? Was the sex just not that great? Are you worried they're thinking things are more serious because you had sex? Are you disappointed this person seems to have just wanted to sleep with you/someone instead of going on a run of the mill first date? Are you over it because there was no chase, no effort needed?

I'd love your perspective.

posted by patientpatient to human relations (23 answers total)

Of all the hypotheses that you suggest, the only one that seems very unlikely is that the sex was not that great. If the sex was great for you, it almost certainly was for him, too. There are other possibilities as well. Perhaps he does want to continue to have a relationship with you but happens by chance to be particularly busy at this time. Some people are really busy. Or, who knows, he is secretly religious and is now consumed with guilt because he has sinned by having extramarital sex. Or worse, he may actually be married and is cheating on his wife, and is now worried that he will be found out and his marriage will be ruined. We really can't say exactly what is going on. You have done your part by texting him. If he is not responding to your attempts to set up another meeting then I would say that something is wrong, but we don't know exactly what.
posted by grizzled at 2:42 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

You stumbled into the answer in the final paragraph.

It's not that he is concerned that you're sleeping with other people. It's that he is sleeping with other people, because he's using OKCupid to find hookups. That's why he's being vague. He responded in agreement because he's figuring that if he just puts it off long enough, you'll go away. If you want my advice, I'd say it's okay to let him be right about this one. No sense barking up this particular tree, it isn't worth your time.

There's people out there who won't hump-and-dump you and who also are super-good at sex. Keep on keeping on and you'll find one soon enough.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 2:43 PM on September 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

He responded in agreement. I've been trying to set up another meeting and he's being vague.

Propose a weekend date. If he sketches out, give it up.

I say weekend because a wise friend said that's how you can tell if they are dating or married. And man did that advice work. Turns out Ms. Call-and-Flirt-for-Hours was just fine with a weeknight meeting, but weekends were off-limits. Because she was living with a dude.

If it doesn't work out, let the feelings fade. Feeling something doesn't make it true or fate or anything else.
posted by Ironmouth at 2:45 PM on September 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

People boink-and-disappear after the first date for lots of different reasons. Some are understandable ("Oh God, what did I do? I'm not that person. Wow, I'm actually ashamed to call her."). Some are sordid ("Dude, I totally showed her my 'O' face."). Some are blank ("Well. OK. That just happened."). Some are needy/horny/desperate ("If you can't be with the one you love, love the one you're with.")

Now you're trying to look at this through your particular lens ("Is it that you think ..."), and the truth of the matter is, there's no one right answer, or even a small set of common answers.
posted by Cool Papa Bell at 2:52 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Totally hypothetically: the sex was great. I'm really busy right now and find it hard to find the time to see all of my existing friends. The thought of adding another person into the mix stresses me out. Casual sex works better - that need is met without adding any responsibilities of relationship maintenance (even simply another friendship or friends-with-benefits is too much right now). I'm having great sex with several people - it's not like it's that hard to find. I'm not worried or disappointed. I'm pleased - I met a fascinating person, we connected, we had great sex. If only I had met them at a quieter time in my life, I might have pursued more.
posted by valeries at 3:15 PM on September 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

We had great sex. I wonder who else I can have great sex with?
posted by Jubey at 3:42 PM on September 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

My guess is that he's just not thinking about it as much as you are. He probably enjoyed it in the moment, but he has other things on his mind and a full life that could include any number of things-family, other girlfriends, a wife, a busy day at the office, planning a trip, whatever. For him it was recreational good sex that took the edge off and now he's back to life as usual. He might be willing to meet up again, but I would guess only infrequently and only on his schedule. Since you're more emotionally invested, waiting on him is going to be painful for you, whereas he won't even think about it. That's just my best guess.
posted by Nixy at 3:54 PM on September 7, 2010 [3 favorites]

Okay.

Here is how this works.

DO WHAT YOU WANT TO DO.

You are the driver! It is your life! You wanna see this dude again? Yes, then, invite him out on a weekend date, as excellently proposed above.

You wanna screw him some more? Great! Text him at 10:45 some night on a work night.

If he doesn't respond to your first initiative--and you must take initiative and be clear and ask for what you want!--then NEVER CONTACT HIM AGAIN.
posted by RJ Reynolds at 4:04 PM on September 7, 2010 [10 favorites]

I've been on the other side of this several times in my misadventures with okcupid.

There's a certain amount of weirdness about rushing into being intimate with a total stranger, but the sad and inevitable reality is that he's just not interested in getting into it sober.
posted by milinar at 4:37 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I think, for a lot of dudes that are okay with a girl getting drunk enough to sleep with them the first time they hang out... there isn't a reaction. As in, the event is akin to brushing his teeth. He tooted and booted, hit and quit it, etc, etc. There is no second thought, no 'aftermath'. It's likely he's very comfortable with one-night stands, and that's just the way some guys are.

If you really do want to get more of that - what RJ Reynolds said. But this dude is so not worth your time, or any other self-respecting girl's time, either.
posted by Everydayville at 5:16 PM on September 7, 2010

Any other self-respecting girl? What, we can't like casual sex and also respect ourselves?
posted by valeries at 5:30 PM on September 7, 2010 [13 favorites]

I'm NOT saying this is right or wrong, but I've got my share of male friends who readily admit they've met women through a very quick email okcupid exchange, gone on a drinks date, and bang them happily.

And in their eyes, she's not a keeper.

She may be someone they consider having sex with again but probably not because on some level, they assume a woman like that is in it for the sex, nothing else.

And deep down, despite these first date sex situations, say they ALL want girlfriends, not someone who has sex with them on the first date. These guys have said that if they most likely would have gone out with these women again if they hadn't slept together on the first date.

Maybe you're meeting guys who think like that.
posted by dzaz at 6:47 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

My hypothesis (and I'm totally projecting my thought process when I was single here): The purpose was to hook up with someone new and get laid. The thrill of the chase, etc. Mission accomplished, time to move on. Don't take it personally.
posted by Simon Barclay at 6:49 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

Well, I have been in the dude's position. Even if the sex is great with a one-night stand, they still get shoved to the back of the Rolodex because I don't want commitment and I'm looking for variety in addition to the great sex. I have fun with someone, then we go our separate ways before shit gets too complicated (and make no mistake, after the first few hook-ups with one person shit always gets complicated). I keep the phone number for times when I'm feeling hard up for other options.

If the sex is totally, off-the-wall mindblowing, the "variety" thing may get pushed to the wayside, but this has only happened once or twice.

So, to put it harshly: You were fun, but there are other fish in the sea and he wants to try all of them.
posted by schroedinger at 7:42 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

I am in the minority with my friends (and most guys) because I absolutely do not understand nor abide by the mentality that she is not girlfriend material "if I was able to sleep with her on the first date." My greatest relationships have all stemmed from fiery, shameless first night sex. However, first date sex does not equal 'I'm interested in you' and that's where the line gets blurred. Enough is there for me to be attracted, but maybe something isn't clicking at all in an area that guarantees failure. If she's interested in coming to my place that night anyway, at least we had some great sex. Life goes on, so she wasn't the one. That's one guy's take.

There is no real answer here until you get one from him. Some guys think one way, others think another. He might be married, he might be in seminary school and you were what kept him from quitting. If you ask me, (and you did) I like a little aggression. I'm not coy about anything and I like to see that reflected in a potential partner- so if you were to txt me in this situation and say "Hey, wake up. I've been trying to get a second date with you for a week now, take me home or lose me forever (enter your own version of the shit or get of the pot routine.)" I would read that and think to myself "shit, i didn't realize i was halfassing my intentions." then I would proceed to either get that date, or I'd politely tell you 'not interested.'
It's simple, direct and gets you an answer immediately. Maybe he's not a direct guy, you spent a little quality time with him, so you'll know the answer to that.

Some guys have to be clubbed over the head.
posted by MansRiot at 8:25 PM on September 7, 2010 [2 favorites]

That isn't what I meant by self-respecting.

By self-respecting I meant a girl that recognizes a situation for what it is: just like dzaz, Simon, and schroedinger said - he had his fun, she has hers and there's nothing wrong with that. Someone self-respecting wouldn't pursue a dude that's clearly done with her. I'm not saying that the OP is such a person, either. However, I do know a lot of girls that don't take no for an answer when a guy is very obviously dicking them around - and that's a lack of self-respect, IMO.
posted by Everydayville at 8:35 PM on September 7, 2010 [1 favorite]

The key here is consistency: If you want a one stand, expect a one night stand and nothing more - act like it - have sex on the first day, hit it and quit it. And by the way, as a woman you'll get a lot more action than if you were a man.

But if you want a relationship, don't do a one-night stand and expect more. You might get more; but don't be surprised by the classic 'hook-up' behavior - and don't sleep with guys on the first date - make yourself more to them - become friends first.

FWIW, I believe the culture of hookups is such that if you do want to continue to have hookups with this guy you don't email or text for a couple weeks and then send him a text on a weeknight sometime after 9:30 pm for a "booty call"
posted by zia at 8:49 PM on September 7, 2010

My girlfriend was a one night stand (before our first date even, we just hooked up after a party), that later turned into a real thing, even though we both dated/fucked other people in between.

But I've also hooked up with girls (from dating sites) that I was actually interested in in advance, but then avoided later after they just pursued things too aggressively, too much contact freaks me out (I'm not saying you did this, just another perspective). Tell me you had fun, tell me you're up for doing something another time, then leave it with me.
posted by The Monkey at 9:05 PM on September 7, 2010

This is something I think most women don't realize.

Just because you are sex-positive, liberated, don't see sex as something dirty and shameful, don't see women or men who like sex as dirty and shameful or think of them as sluts, or think any less of them, think it's important to treat all of your sexual partners well, are open to an ongoing FWB situation, etc...

It doesn't mean the men you are sleeping with feel the same way. AT ALL.
posted by Ashley801 at 11:05 PM on September 7, 2010 [6 favorites]

Plate of beans, guys.

Sometimes you go out with a girl and you don't dig her enough to start a relationship but if sex is on the table you won't say no. Nothing complicated here.
posted by milinar at 11:12 PM on September 7, 2010

For a lot of men, sex is...just sex.

And even though most women know that intellectually, a lot of us still forget it when we meet someone we like.
posted by MexicanYenta at 7:08 AM on September 8, 2010

Hey All...thank you for the feedback. I definitely have a more robust perspective. My goal wasn't to figure things out, since that would be impossible. For those of you who gave your honest opinions based on experience, I appreciate it!

I am a self-respecting girl. I reached out, I haven't heard back, and now I've made it impossible for me to be the one to contact him again. If I do, we'll see. If I don't, another one bites the dust and I can live with that.
posted by patientpatient at 9:33 AM on September 8, 2010 [1 favorite]

Good for you : )
posted by MansRiot at 2:29 PM on September 8, 2010