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How to act around a one night stand I failed at turning into a fwb and can I still turn this around?
March 2, 2012 5:12 PM   Subscribe

Sorry in advance for the length. We are in our 20's and I am 4 years older than him. I just got out a ltr and he has never been in one. We met in school, flirted and emailed almost daily. I was playing it cool and he seemed to be warming up to me but once break came around he cooled off. For a month I found myself chasing him - initiating all contact and eventually he said he wasn't looking for anything serious. That was ok with me! I proposed going to see him and he said he was "game". We slept together and I was pleased... twice (very considerate lover). I think he might've wanted a bj but he didn't specifically ask for one - and I thought I'd save that for the next time.

2 days passed, didn't hear from him so I called and said I wanted to do it again. He gave a plausible excuse and said he'd call. 3 days after he came back (and hadn't called/emailed) I saw him in class - I approached, we chatted and it felt weird but friendly enough. I texted a proposed date activity (hoping we'd end up in bed). No response - so later that evening I texted there were no hard feelings, I hoped we would be friendly if we saw each other and said goodbye (perhaps prematurely?!)

2 wks later I emailed saying it sucked to have to ignore each other (as we'd seen one another & hadn't say anything). I apologized for coming on so strong & possibly scaring him. He apologized for not responding & said he wasn't necessarily freaked out, he just wasn't sure we were looking for the same things & we should be friends. I tried to hint that I wanted to be fwb - in case he was confused about me wanting to be his gf. The next week I texted him to spend the night - he said he was going out with friends but would let me know "for sure" if he ended up in my part of town. Nothing. I emailed few days later telling him to let me know if there was no chance and proposed we get together the next week. Nothing. Emailed one final time telling him I got it and would back off for good. He read that email 5 times in 3 days (for a good amount of time each) but hasn't respond... yet.

My question is how should I act when I see him again in class? I find him so sexy and still want to sleep with him b/c he got me really hot & now I feel really challenged. Should I ignore him? Smile? Be cold? Still try to flirt to get what I really want? Say anything?

Tidbits - I learned from our night together he smokes pot regularly. I think I might've expressed a bit of disapproval so maybe that's what turned him off? He said I was "so judgmental" but at the time I thought he was kidding. He is pretty smart/cool but since I don't smoke or drink and he does often he has no appeal as a bf. I'm pretty sure he was attracted to me (I'm slender, pretty, always dress well, make good money & get mistaken for being 21 all the time). We're equally ambitious/smart so I don't know what gives! What would make a guy pass on nsa sex??! And can I still turn this around with some female game?
posted by soooo to Human Relations (71 answers total) 2 users marked this as a favorite
 
You should back the hell off. Sounds like you've made it clear that you're up to fuck him again. He hasn't come after you because he's not interested in having sex with you again. This isn't a challenge. If you keep after him, you'll forever be that creepy and desperate girl.
posted by mollymayhem at 5:20 PM on March 2, 2012 [55 favorites]


I don't think it's worth the hassle it's obviously going to take to get him to sleep with you. Drop it, and act like a professional adult when you see him (you're in class for a reason, and it's not actually to pick up guys or sort out your relationship with this one.)
posted by SMPA at 5:22 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


So you only want to be "Friends with benefits" with the guy?

It sounds like you're acting the complete opposite that what most people believe a FWB relationship should be like (so far as I understand it). It sounds like you're being needy and judgemental, rather than cool and detached... more like an insecure girlfriend. I don't blame the guy for being confused.
posted by Diag at 5:23 PM on March 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


Wow. Delete his phone number, delete his email address, repeatedly watch the movie He's Just Not That Into You but skip the last ten minutes. You can tell yourself that he is just intimidated by your professionalism.
posted by acidic at 5:23 PM on March 2, 2012 [8 favorites]


Wait — how do you know he read your email 5 times in 3 days? That, coupled with your persistence, makes you come off as totally stalky, to me at least. (No offense, I hope. Just trying to be honest.)

That notwithstanding, have you straight-up said "LET'S BE FUCK BUDDIES"? Because sometimes dudes are dense. Be CLEAR, and make it clear there are no strings attached. If you still get no response then it's time to move on.
posted by Brittanie at 5:25 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


Wait — how do you know he read your email 5 times in 3 days?

Yeah...I am seriously curious?
posted by lalex at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]




I was very clear - but not "let's be fuck buddies" - more like now that you know what I want you should let me know if i have no chance at getting it. The 2 times I proposed he come over to my place - so we wouldn't be doing anything else but "smashing" haha.

I have a tracker on all my e-mails
posted by soooo at 5:27 PM on March 2, 2012


I tried to hint that I wanted to be fwb

He tells you explicitly what he's thinking and expecting,and you're giving him hints. You should have said, "No, actually, I just want to be friends with benefits. That's what you're looking for, right?" I think that time has passed, though.

posted by cmoj at 5:28 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


What I'm saying is, instead of saying to him, "Hey, let's hang out," you should literally say to him, "I really enjoyed fucking you, and I'd like to do so again. Can you come over? Afterwards, you can leave, and I don't want to be your girlfriend. I just like your dick."
posted by Brittanie at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


What would make a guy pass on nsa sex??!

Plenty of guys have no interest in NSA sex and prefer committed relationships.

Some guys do have interest in NSA sex but don't find looks to be everything when it comes to attraction -- if they aren't into the girl's personality, then they're not into it.

It sounds like you offended him with the pot comment, and maybe he picked up on the fact that you saw him as not worthy of being BF material and was offended by that too.

When I read the description of the things you have done so far to try to get him to sleep with you again it made me really uncomfortable because you are starting to do way too much. You are probably making him extremely uncomfortable. You really should let him be.
posted by cairdeas at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2012 [33 favorites]


Or, what cmoj said.
posted by Brittanie at 5:30 PM on March 2, 2012


What would make a guy pass on nsa sex??!

OK, to answer your actual question, it's because he can sense that you're not actually in it for seriously no-strings-attached sex.

I have had long-term "friends with benefits", and if I felt them fading out I would just....let it fade out? Never in a million years would I have considered posting a detail-laden question to AskMe about it, because in a true FWB relationship you just don't care that much.
posted by lalex at 5:32 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


@cmoj - He wasn't clear whether he thought we didn't want the same things because he thought I wanted something more or he just didn't want anything to do with me. That's why I tired to address the former as best I could... you may be right though

bwahaha @Brittanie - I am not sure I can be so bold!
posted by soooo at 5:33 PM on March 2, 2012


@ lalex - Hmm.. I still want to sleep with him though! I truly don't care about being his girlfriend...
posted by soooo at 5:35 PM on March 2, 2012


If you're both in your 20s and you're good looking and fun and this:
For a month I found myself chasing him - initiating all contact and eventually he said he wasn't looking for anything serious.
is what happened, move on. You can find someone better to fuck.
posted by k8t at 5:37 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


I have a tracker on all my e-mails

I'm not an early-20s person anymore, and I recognized times have changed, but... if I found out someone was doing this to me (and there are ways to find out) I would disengage except for whatever minimal social contact was required. Just sayin'.
posted by AkzidenzGrotesk at 5:38 PM on March 2, 2012 [37 favorites]


@cairdeas I deleted his number and won't email again. So when I see him just ignore him? Don't smile or be friendly? Will that come across as continuing to "do too much"?
posted by soooo at 5:38 PM on March 2, 2012


@ lalex - Hmm.. I still want to sleep with him though! I truly don't care about being his girlfriend...

I feel for you, I really do. But from your question, it appears that you have contacted him five times with no meaningful reciprocation. I am saying this as gently as possible - he does not want to sleep with you again.
posted by lalex at 5:39 PM on March 2, 2012 [15 favorites]


No, just act normal, smile and say hi and keep walking.
posted by cairdeas at 5:39 PM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


Maybe he opened the email so many times because he was showing all his friends. It is kind of a weird story.
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 5:41 PM on March 2, 2012 [24 favorites]


Dude. Let it go. You had sex and since then, from what I can tell he has not once initiated contact with you. Not once. If he was at all interested, you would know by now. At this point, every single time you contact him you walk one step further int the valley of Crazy. And there ain't no way out of that sucker once you're in. There are 2,999, 999 other dudes in the world; find one of them.
posted by Diablevert at 5:41 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


Ooh, please stop. I'm, like, cringing on your behalf because you are embarrassing yourself! I'm not saying that to be mean, I used to embarrass myself too. Stop chasing him around! I think I've said this before somewhere on here but one of the most important things I wish I'd known when I was younger is that despite what Seventeen and YM and whatever their equivalents are today tell you, you cannot make a dude like you. He sorta did, for a while, and now he doesn't, and it doesn't matter why. Maybe you offended him with the pot comment, but I doubt it - and anyway, if he was as into you as you are into him, I bet he'd find a way to get over it. How should you act when you see him? Well, act how you would with anyone who has told you in the best (admittedly very limited) way they know how that they're not that interested in dealing with you anymore? I'd ignore, personally, but just being civil or casually friendly would probably be more mature. (The only way you might "turn this around" that I can see is by being legitimately no longer interested. Or getting with someone else. But don't do that only to lure him in, just...don't.)
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:43 PM on March 2, 2012 [11 favorites]


@thatcanadiangirl - you could very well be right!

@diablevert - You're right and I'm pretty sure he isn't, hence my final email. I wish I hadn't contacted him at all after we slept together. I just wasn't sure how to act around him after digging my grave haha
posted by soooo at 5:43 PM on March 2, 2012


You've made it waaay to easy for him; you didn't present a challenge at all, he sees you as desperate, and it's time for you to move on.

It's really not hard to find another guy for nsa sex. (but please let him do at least half, if not 80-100%, of the pursuing this time).

You've kind of been demeaning yourself. YOu don't need to chase after someone who has rejected you repeatedly.
posted by bearette at 5:44 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


act how you would = how would you act, as you probably figured out...
posted by DestinationUnknown at 5:44 PM on March 2, 2012


Yeah, I don't think it's fair that men are portrayed as wanting sex constantly no matter the consequences. I'm sure that's true for some dudes, but I've known men to pass up sex with women for emotional and other reasons. Don't take it personally, really. But do leave him alone. Don't get into the mindgames of "Oh, he read my email for three minutes! What does that mean?!" Nothing, that's what it means. It means nothing until he contacts you. And at this point, I probably would advise you not to engage with him if he does, at any rate, because it seems like it isn't good for you.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:46 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


It also sounds like he might be involved with someone else.
posted by amodelcitizen at 5:47 PM on March 2, 2012


@ amodelcitizen - I know, it think it was kind of a blow that he wouldn't want to have nsa sex with me! I thought about if he tried to engage with me, but I doubt he will? It's useless to speculate, but if he does you think I should rebuff him huh?
posted by soooo at 5:49 PM on March 2, 2012


Something that might help: there are at least five billion reasons for why he might not want to have sex from you, and easily 99.9% of them don't have anything to do with you at all. It's not an insult, it's not necessarily an indictment or assessment of your intelligence/beauty/charm/sexual performance. He just doesn't want to have sex with you, and that's OK.
posted by SMPA at 5:51 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


You shouldnt rebuff him in a dramatic way. No drama. Just fade out for your own mental health. If he wants to have NSA sex later, you'll probably have to accept that it will only be on his schedule and initiative. I'd focus your energy elsewhere.
posted by stockpuppet at 5:54 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


1. Many men are turned off by a woman aggressively pursuing them. You may have found one of those men. Such guys kind of feel like if a woman is doing such heavy pursuing, there must be something wrong with her. These guys want to be with women who are chased by guys, because that validates the woman as desirable. To him, you may be making yourself look too "easy" and not much of a prize. He may feel the potential cost in emotional craziness may outweigh any benefit of an FWB arrangement.
2. You sound manic and kind of nuts. I don't mean clinically manic and nuts, but like you're just in a frenzy to jump this guy's bones and your behavior may be coming across as really creepy wide-eyed stalker behavior even if you don't intend it that way.
posted by jayder at 5:54 PM on March 2, 2012 [8 favorites]


I hate to say this, but I don't think he's been mulling over a response to your email. It's more likely he's been showing it to people to read and then making a big deal out of the fact that your "persistence" is coming off as either desperate or stalker-y.

It's OK. We've all done some stupid things in our youth.

Hon, you need to think about WHY you would EVER want someone who does not want you.

Please try to avoid falling for the guy who rejects you from now on. Incompatibility is NOT a judgement against you! Sometimes, it doesn't click both ways. Don't force it when it doesn't work.
posted by jbenben at 5:54 PM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


Maybe he wants to have sex with you, but only once a month. Maybe that's the level his sex drive is at, or maybe it's just boring to him to sleep with the same woman more than once a month...

Or maybe he wants to have sex with you, but less than he wants to hang out with his friends or goof off or sleep or whatever.

No one knows.

But what we do know, is that he's not going to sleep with you right now.

I say all of this because I think there's actually a chance that he will want to sleep with you again at some point in the future. BUT, remember when he offers that you're not going to get the regular sex that you seem to want out of him, and keep that in mind when you decide if sleeping with him on his schedule is something you want to do.

And until then, treat him like you would any other classmate who you haven't slept with.
posted by anaelith at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2012


Do you enjoy this? Are his current behavior/actions/level of interest/responsiveness the sort of thing you enjoy and would like to engage with on a regular basis?

Probably not.

And you are not going to change those things. So, don't do things that will lead to having more of him (and this) in your life.
posted by needs more cowbell at 5:57 PM on March 2, 2012


@jbenben Gawd, I hope he hasn't been doing that! But he very well could.

@ jayder - I don't really see how I am "stalking" him by sending emails (I haven't visited his house or called). But I realize some guys might get an ego boost out of thinking a girl is "stalking" them.
posted by soooo at 5:59 PM on March 2, 2012


Look, you can never know why someone you hooked up with doesn't want to sleep with you again. That's just a one-way ticket on the Crazy Train. Maybe you remind them of their mean second-grade teacher. Maybe they're planning on taking a vow of celibacy for a religious order. Maybe they're looking for a serious girlfriend and don't want to distract themselves by having a fuckbuddy. Maybe they only really get turned on by women way taller or shorter than you, or way older than you, or way fatter than you, or whatever. Maybe they're saving themselves for their imaginary girlfriend Zoe Saldana. Who knows?

Flag it and move on, my friend. Flag it and move on. There are plenty of other fish in the sea, and having nsa sex with people who aren't actually in your grad program or whatever you're in is probably a better idea anyway.

Also, you can't be fwb with him because you guys aren't friends. You're colleagues who fucked once. That isn't a friendship. The ship on being friends has probably sailed because of your choices in pursuing him.

What lesson do you take away from this? Play things a lot cooler than this next time, with the next guy. There's a reason they put "casual" in "casual sex." If it was supposed to be angst-ridden neurotic overbeanplated sex, they'd call it that!
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:01 PM on March 2, 2012 [7 favorites]


Don't think of it as a blow. I know it's hard not to take these things personally, but it just didn't work out. Sometimes the people I want to be with are not the hottest/smartest/"best" at anything. I just want to be with them, I don't know why. I don't think you should have sex with him again because you have made it clear what you want, and he hasn't reciprocated, and you shouldn't give people more than 1 or 2 chances. Otherwise, be friendly and polite when you see him. DON'T analyze it. Get out of your head.
posted by amodelcitizen at 6:03 PM on March 2, 2012


@needs more cowbell - Thanks for the response... I don't enjoy it at all! I think you're right.

@ anaelith I also thought he seemed to be stringing me along (not leading me on) - by replying he would let me know "for sure" and when I told him it would be ok to just let me know if there is no chance and he didn't. It felt like perhaps his behavior was to not make things final.... That's kind of a shitty thing to do.
posted by soooo at 6:03 PM on March 2, 2012


I don't really see how I am "stalking" him by sending emails (I haven't visited his house or called)

Okay, you really need a reality check, stat.

Here's the thing. When you know someone in a professional context (including school), and you "chase them" via email or text, that is overstepping the line.

Because this person doesn't have the opportunity to break all contact with you--since you and he are in the same educational program--you are overloading the bandwidth and he has no recourse except the recourse he's taken, which is not to respond to you.

And then you don't take the hint, and keep contacting him.

Cut this out, and don't do it again.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:04 PM on March 2, 2012 [21 favorites]


I think people who are saying "stalking" mean it as a generic term for "contacting him over and over and looking sort of desperate and crazy".

One email with no response? No big deal. But if you're up to *five* emails and he hasn't responded - he's not going to. And obsessing over how many times he read it and for how long - that's just crazy making.

I have to agree with everyone - there's really no hope of recovery at this point, so just summon all the dignity you can and treat him in a cordial but distant way when you encounter him. And no more emails!
posted by dotgirl at 6:04 PM on March 2, 2012 [5 favorites]


Silence is an answer. It may be a rude answer, it may be a passive-aggressive answer, but it's an answer.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:05 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


@ sidhedevil Hahaha, you're funny but make very valid points! I just got out of a ltr so I am a bit rusty in dating I guess - also I am very impatient! lol. In the past guys always pursued me and tried to "win me over" sometimes they would. I guess it doesn't work when the genders are reversed
posted by soooo at 6:05 PM on March 2, 2012


And cut out the tracking emails, except when it's necessary for a professional correspondence (like if you need to know a paper has been received before the deadline). It's rude and it makes you look crazy.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:06 PM on March 2, 2012 [16 favorites]


When I was younger/in college, it seemed like MANY people wanted to keep their non-relationship sex as 1-night-stands. Less drama.

In my estimation, 80% of NSA sex ends up creating drama for people, so they avoid the drama by doing 1-night-stands.
posted by k8t at 6:07 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


@dotgirl - Absolutely! No more emails! I think someone said I should just smile and say hello. I think I'll probably just give a quick tight / closed lip smile and not say anything!
posted by soooo at 6:07 PM on March 2, 2012


No, soooo, you probably put up with inappropriate bullshit from those guys if this is where your baseline is. The whole "win them over" thing is a super-toxic meme that needs to go away about six decades ago.

Good news! You don't have to keep the cycle going. You can make a fresh start with the next guy.
posted by Sidhedevil at 6:07 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


"No answer" is a "no" answer.

Don't approach him/attempt to engage anymore, unless he approaches you, to which you should just be polite. You aren't going to get what you want here. Guys/girls pass on anything they're not interested in. Doesn't really matter why and has little to do with gender and everything to do with what they wanted from you in the first place (if anything) and whether they got it.
posted by sm1tten at 6:09 PM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


@ k8t - I did tell him I had never had a one night stand before. He said he had 1, but he made it seem like it wouldn't be when we spoke 2 days after. I would have preferred to secure a fb or fwb to satisfy my needs regularly not a hit it and quit it situation ugh. He sucks!
posted by soooo at 6:09 PM on March 2, 2012


I think he actually sounds like a nice and thoughtful guy. He was pretty clear he wasn't into a relationship and when you offered nsa sex he said 'maybe' but then decided against it.

I think you need to just chillax. If you are smart, pretty, make good money etc. then you have a lot of things going for you. Just let it go with this guy. It's not happening.

Say hi but just act like you would with any other classmate. That might be hard but like the above people said, you're not in any kind of relationship- friends or romantic. You are acquaintances who have slept together. It sucks, but it's the way it is.

In future, I would only initiate contact once and wait for a response. His efforts need to at least match yours. (meaning the future his...NOT THIS GUY. THIS IS NOT HAPPENING.).

Ok? Just sit with that. This got fucked up because you overrode what he wanted. Like trying to grab a cat too fast or something...he's run away. Now...time to chase the next cat. Gently.
posted by bquarters at 6:11 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


If the way you're acting in this discussion--like you're hanging on everyone's responses and needing a response right now--is at all the way you're acting around him...and from your description it seems like it might be, then I can see why he might be a little intimidated.

Being so overeager can be really offputting to some people, and he's probably one of those people.
posted by MoonOrb at 6:12 PM on March 2, 2012 [22 favorites]


@sidhedevil - I will not do it again. I thought we were "friends" because we spent the semester sitting together - laughing/chatting/getting to know each other and exchanging emails (towards the end of the semester) almost daily!
posted by soooo at 6:13 PM on March 2, 2012


@moonorb - My first time posting on metafilter ... not sure how it works. I thought it was supposed to be like a live discussion type thing. Sorry!
posted by soooo at 6:14 PM on March 2, 2012


Thanks @bquarters - Great advice! I'm talking to this other guy and am making sure to do nothing (though it's hard when you're an impatient / pro-active kind of person to have to go by other people's slow pace) and letting him initiate/chase. Sadly, I do think I chased this one off the cliff.
posted by soooo at 6:22 PM on March 2, 2012


If you want to have NSA sexual encounters, try not to have them with people that you have to interact with in other venues - work, school, etc.

Back in the Jurassic Period when I was in college, finding guys/girls at a dance club/bar was the common way of doing this.
posted by k8t at 6:25 PM on March 2, 2012 [1 favorite]


My first time posting on metafilter ... not sure how it works. I thought it was supposed to be like a live discussion type thing. Sorry!

No. In general, when you post a question on AskMetafilter, it's preferred that you limit your comments in your own thread only to clarifying information (such as when someone asks a specific question that will affect how people answer), or to post a general follow-up at the end. But it is not really intended to be a discussion or conversation.

posted by scody at 6:32 PM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


Here's the thing - just in this thread, you're coming across as really needy and intensely overeager, to the point where I'm getting kind of uncomfortable for you. Now I'm imagining this from someone with whom I have just had a random NSA hookup and yeah, I would be even more uncomfortable with this level of communication from someone in that situation. If someone told me they were only interested in a very casual relationship and then proceeded to behave like this, I would probably start wearing a disguise when I left the house, and I would never answer a single call, txt, or email from them again.
posted by elizardbits at 6:39 PM on March 2, 2012 [21 favorites]


I really hate to join the pile, but the fact that you post a question to AskMe without reading enough previous threads or participating before your week probationary period was over and then jumping all over the thread or your first question . . . is kind of like having sex with someone and then emailing them five times while claiming that it's casual. Take cues from the other person (or in this case, internet community).

I have to disagree with some other posters that emphasize the importance of being a "challenge" or something to that effect. But there's a difference between not playing games and blowing up someone's phone/email inbox/whatever.

It's also hard to find a fuck buddy. Coming out of a long term relationship can be hard in that you're used to having sex on a regular basis, but that's not what happens for most people when single. Most casual sex that I've had, or that people I know have had, has been a one-time thing. More than that and things can get complicated.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 6:46 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


@scody - thanks for the clarification! I am a newbie - wasn't aware and I liked the seemingly live feed interaction
posted by soooo at 6:50 PM on March 2, 2012


You're coming across not so much "impatient/pro-active" and more "manic/potential-stalker."
posted by dogrose at 6:51 PM on March 2, 2012 [6 favorites]


The thing with casual sex is that the person doesn't really owe you an explanation of why they don't want to sleep with you any more. Is it polite for them to tell you? Maybe.

As someone who used to have casual sex, the following are reasons that I've not hooked up with someone again even after enjoying being with them:
A) Looking for more variety when I want something casual -- instead of a fwb thing, wanting one night stands.
B) Finding someone who turned my crank just a little more.
C) Feeling like I was getting way too attached.
D) Feeling like they were getting way too attached.
E) Meeting someone I really, truly wanted to date.
F) Just feeling to busy/not that into sex/whatever to deal with it.
G) Liked the sex, but didn't have fun with the person.

His reasons could be one of those, or something totally different. But, he doesn't have to tell you them, and worrying about what they are is a one-way ticket to crazytown. Chalk this one up to people having weird reasons for turning down casual sex and let it go -- there is seriously so many awesome casual lovin' options for attractive women.
posted by superlibby at 7:00 PM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


I think everyone is right about you probably coming on too strong, and about how it's time to give up on this guy and just smile and not engage if/when you run into him.

BUT one thing no one has addressed is that if what you said to him was really: "now that you know what I want you should let me know if i have no chance at getting it" then that is ABSOLUTELY NOT "extremely clear". There is no way that I would know you meant FWB by this rather than "girlfriend/boyfriend". I'm hoping you were clearer with him than you have portrayed here.
posted by lollusc at 7:07 PM on March 2, 2012


It felt like perhaps his behavior was to not make things final.... That's kind of a shitty thing to do.

Yes, and I have an ex like this, and I basically had to break up with myself on his behalf. It sucked. I'm glad you're not having to deal with a guy like that anymore!
posted by the young rope-rider at 8:03 PM on March 2, 2012 [3 favorites]


[Hey, soooo, moderator here; as scody mentions, this is definitely not a live-feed sort of situation. The convention here is to ask your question, then respond only to requests for more information, or you can ask a commenter to clarify if their answer is unclear to you – within limits. Sorry, but Ask Metafilter is explicitly not a chat space. ]
posted by taz at 9:39 PM on March 2, 2012 [4 favorites]


It's very possible that his lack of answer was out of fear of your response - maybe he thought you'd pressure him to change his mind, bad mouth him to classmates… who knows? He doesn't know you that well and you've come off as kind of crazy so far. Most people's reaction to crazy is to back away slowly.
posted by desjardins at 10:03 PM on March 2, 2012 [2 favorites]


Stoner's perspective: A stoner might really prefer a fellow stoner for FWB.
posted by st looney up the cream bun and jam at 5:15 AM on March 3, 2012 [4 favorites]


Adding: this guy sounds kind of like he's unable to give clarity of the kind you're looking for. Some guys are like that. Don't hang around waiting for it, just cut and run.

Accept that you will not sleep with him again. When you see him, apologize for your behavior, because you need to. You sent five emails without a single response-that's not cool. Apologize, and then /don't do it again/. Don't flirt. Don't chat unless he initiates.
posted by corb at 6:38 AM on March 3, 2012


@lollusc To clarify, I said he didn't need to worry about me wanting anything serious and joked that he had screwed up a potential "fwb situation". (Not the clearest/best approach in hindsight. Wish I could've asked you guys when formulating the email)

@corb I apologized if I made him uncomfortable in my final email to him. I'm afraid approaching him to apologize again might make him think I can't let it go.
I'm accepting of that - you guys are tough (some were mean/not helpful) but opened my eyes to how he probably perceives me at this point
posted by soooo at 7:10 AM on March 3, 2012


I think people were actually quite easy on you, considering. The way you are talking about this whole situation is super strange and frankly sounds extremely immature for the 24+ that you must be. Given your latest response, I'll add that a) since you apparently were actually pretty clear about your FWB potential, I don't think you missed any opportunities there as some people were suggesting earlier in the thread- rest easy that this was probably just not going to happen no matter what b) I agree with you that an additional apology is probably not necessary/useful. At this point I would be cool and not chatty unless he initiates it.
As people have mentioned above, there are lots of valid reasons why a person might not want a FWB arrangement in general or one with you in particular. The fact that he doesn't want one with you doesn't make him a bad guy. It would have been nice had he been a little clearer in his communication with you - I suspect this was a misguided attempt at letting you down gently.
posted by naoko at 8:40 AM on March 3, 2012 [8 favorites]


OK, I think people are being pretty mean, but FWB is probably one of the most delicate relationships in the world, so if things aren't going totally 100% great they can end or fall apart pretty quickly. Most people don't want to invest any energy whatsoever in a FWB situation that isn't close to effortless. Whenever I've known a dude who wanted to be FWB, it revolved around a late night text, some smoking (shisha in this case), a movie in the background, & then the benefits. There was no pressure on either end. It was just an antidote to being undersexed and lonely on a night when you found yourself undersexed and lonely.

In your situation there is a tremendous amount of pressure on your end, because you think this guy is so sexy. Honestly though, that's pretty antithetical to how FWB works. I've never known anyone to specifically pursue someone else for FWB, the friendship always came first and organically blossomed into a little fucking. Just my two cents.
posted by stoneandstar at 12:36 PM on March 3, 2012 [1 favorite]


(Oh, & I meant to say that there's a definite case to be made that he'd rather hook up with a stoner.)
posted by stoneandstar at 12:37 PM on March 3, 2012


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