No erection blues
September 20, 2014 11:25 AM Subscribe
I've been dating a guy for two months, and he's gotten maybe two non-morning wood erections with a lot of sleeping over, cuddling, oral, and sexy grinding around. He is, I think, minimizing the problem, and I am at the point when I want to shout, "Go to a doctor! Your dick doesn't work!" Help me.
I'm in my mid-twenties, he's in his early thirties.
To answer the obvious:
-No, it's not always after drinking. Unless a beer causes whiskey dick, that's not the case.
-He's not on any medications that would interfere with getting an erection.
-He is, as far as I know, healthy and in great shape.
-He does ride a bike, but only a few miles to commute to and from work and run errands. I don't think that's the cause.
-He doesn't smoke marijuana, at least not regularly.
-Yes, I am aware that PIV sex is not the only form of sex. We have non penetrative sex all the time, but never being able to have PIV sex is a deal breaker for me. Sorry.
-I am a sexually, sexy person and I am touching/sucking/whatevering him and not just expecting a boner to spring up, okay?
-I'm talking totally flaccid, folks.
The first time we hooked up, I reached down to his pants and I was surprised to find that he was totally flaccid. And nothing was happening. He expressed frustration with his lack of an erection and said that he was overthinking things. Fair enough. A lot of guys can't get it up the first time. I get it.
But that has continued for the last couple of months. I haven't been able to have intercourse due to a medical problem that has just been sorted out, so sex was off the table for at least three weeks. The pressure was off! Still, no boner.
I talked to him about it the other night. He says that he jerks off and everything works (although he says it requires "some coaxing" but won't elaborate), and he suggested that the fact that he jerked off several hours earlier was the reason he wasn't able to get an erection. I told him to go to a doctor, and he said he has an appointment in two months (!)
Metafilter, it's not just the erectile dysfunction, it's the minimizing and evasiveness that's driving me nuts. I like this guy, but this is a problem. At first, he suggested that maybe he was riding his bike too much. (Doubtful) And now he's convinced that it's anxiety. (Okay, please take steps to deal with it). What do I do? I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't want to commit to a guy who has a real sexual dysfunction and won't even really talk about it.
I'm in my mid-twenties, he's in his early thirties.
To answer the obvious:
-No, it's not always after drinking. Unless a beer causes whiskey dick, that's not the case.
-He's not on any medications that would interfere with getting an erection.
-He is, as far as I know, healthy and in great shape.
-He does ride a bike, but only a few miles to commute to and from work and run errands. I don't think that's the cause.
-He doesn't smoke marijuana, at least not regularly.
-Yes, I am aware that PIV sex is not the only form of sex. We have non penetrative sex all the time, but never being able to have PIV sex is a deal breaker for me. Sorry.
-I am a sexually, sexy person and I am touching/sucking/whatevering him and not just expecting a boner to spring up, okay?
-I'm talking totally flaccid, folks.
The first time we hooked up, I reached down to his pants and I was surprised to find that he was totally flaccid. And nothing was happening. He expressed frustration with his lack of an erection and said that he was overthinking things. Fair enough. A lot of guys can't get it up the first time. I get it.
But that has continued for the last couple of months. I haven't been able to have intercourse due to a medical problem that has just been sorted out, so sex was off the table for at least three weeks. The pressure was off! Still, no boner.
I talked to him about it the other night. He says that he jerks off and everything works (although he says it requires "some coaxing" but won't elaborate), and he suggested that the fact that he jerked off several hours earlier was the reason he wasn't able to get an erection. I told him to go to a doctor, and he said he has an appointment in two months (!)
Metafilter, it's not just the erectile dysfunction, it's the minimizing and evasiveness that's driving me nuts. I like this guy, but this is a problem. At first, he suggested that maybe he was riding his bike too much. (Doubtful) And now he's convinced that it's anxiety. (Okay, please take steps to deal with it). What do I do? I don't want to be a jerk, but I don't want to commit to a guy who has a real sexual dysfunction and won't even really talk about it.
Oh Dude, that's a bummer, but notice how it's not an emergency to him? That's a MAJOR point of incompatibility. He's just not all that fussed about it. He'd go on forever this way if you'd let him. Even if he fixes the dick problem, he may have a low sex drive or just be uninterested.
I'd shake his hand and say goodbye. Let him be someone else's project.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2014 [45 favorites]
I'd shake his hand and say goodbye. Let him be someone else's project.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 12:04 PM on September 20, 2014 [45 favorites]
Best answer: i have to be with someone who is completely open about sexuality stuff and a very active communicator about it. it sounds like you need much the same. two months isn't a very long time. let him keep enjoying his dick however he's enjoying it and go find someone who is excited that you are ready for some sexy times. it is way too early for this type of resentment and anger to be surrounding something like sex.
posted by nadawi at 12:07 PM on September 20, 2014 [27 favorites]
posted by nadawi at 12:07 PM on September 20, 2014 [27 favorites]
I wonder what sort of doctor he's seeing in two months? There are some specialists where it takes two months to get an appointment, so maybe there's nothing more he can do until his appointment.
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:13 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by ThePinkSuperhero at 12:13 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Has he been single for a significant amount of time? Is death grip an issue here with his "coaxing"?
2nding the possibility of a fetish he hasn't shared yet.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 12:17 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
2nding the possibility of a fetish he hasn't shared yet.
posted by Suffocating Kitty at 12:17 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Yeah, you this really sucks, and I feel for anyone who's dealing with erectile dysfunction (in part because I know it could be me one day), but it's not even totally clear that he has ED! I think you need to have another discussion with him about intimacy, preferably when you're both in a calm, connected head space where defensiveness isn't likely to be an issue. And if that doesn't get to the root of the problem, it's time to walk. We all deserve partners who are reasonably self-aware, willing to be vulnerable, and able to communicate about sex. And great, now I have the Salt-N-Pepa song in my head.
posted by bennett being thrown at 12:20 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by bennett being thrown at 12:20 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yeah I also feel like he might need something that he's not ready to/not sure how to ask for. I would personally be totally upfront with him and say "is there something specific/different you need from me in order to get things going" and go from there. If he waffles/demurs/denies then you have to just make up your mind whether or not this is worth it to you.
nb don't have this conversation in bed after a failed bonertime.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:24 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
nb don't have this conversation in bed after a failed bonertime.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:24 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
Yeah my first thought was "fetish" too. I wouldn't want to be with someone who isn't up front/honest about a fetish, personally.
posted by celtalitha at 12:29 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by celtalitha at 12:29 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Unless there is something particular that he is bringing to the table that you have a really hard time finding elsewhere, this is probably a fish you should throw back.
This is the thing I have a problem with in your Ask:
I talked to him about it the other night. He says that he jerks off and everything works (although he says it requires "some coaxing" but won't elaborate), and he suggested that the fact that he jerked off several hours earlier was the reason he wasn't able to get an erection.
If he knows this matters to you and he isn't performing, why did he jerk off and not save it for later (I am kind of assuming he knew he would see you, which, I guess, could be an inaccurate assumption though)? It sounds like either it's a cheap excuse to get him off the hook (aka a lie), or he really could have gotten it up for you but he didn't think that was terribly important and didn't bother to think of your needs earlier in the day when he made the decision to jerk off by himself.
posted by Michele in California at 12:32 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
This is the thing I have a problem with in your Ask:
I talked to him about it the other night. He says that he jerks off and everything works (although he says it requires "some coaxing" but won't elaborate), and he suggested that the fact that he jerked off several hours earlier was the reason he wasn't able to get an erection.
If he knows this matters to you and he isn't performing, why did he jerk off and not save it for later (I am kind of assuming he knew he would see you, which, I guess, could be an inaccurate assumption though)? It sounds like either it's a cheap excuse to get him off the hook (aka a lie), or he really could have gotten it up for you but he didn't think that was terribly important and didn't bother to think of your needs earlier in the day when he made the decision to jerk off by himself.
posted by Michele in California at 12:32 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
I totally understand how you feel, but the words you're using to describe the situation sound very dismissive and almost callous. He may be picking up on that, making it more difficult for him to feel comfortable enough to work this out with you.
posted by Room 641-A at 12:35 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
posted by Room 641-A at 12:35 PM on September 20, 2014 [7 favorites]
Best answer: He's not opening up to you about something. The fact that he apparently jerks off (not long before sexy times!) and needs some kind of special technique, but won't tell you what the deal is,is a big problem.
I would tell him he needs to talk or you will walk away.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:37 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
I would tell him he needs to talk or you will walk away.
posted by J. Wilson at 12:37 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
How often does he masturbate? I have, ummmm, a "friend" who has found that partners of hers who masturbate a lot also frequently have performance issues. Said friend also finds that relationships where this is a problem have similarly piss-poor staying power, since, you know, if someone prefers masturbating to having sex with you it probably says something about their overall commitment to the relationship.
posted by Sara C. at 12:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by Sara C. at 12:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: I find the suddenly universal assumption that this a fetish to be a little weird, honestly.
posted by takemetosocktown at 12:48 PM on September 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
posted by takemetosocktown at 12:48 PM on September 20, 2014 [8 favorites]
For the record, beer can cause whiskey dick. So can wine. Or so I am told by men friends. (Mostly gay men, just so you know. Sorry for their own failings and complaints about partners, both.)
Sorry. I hope to hell I'd be okay if my loved one had a tragic spinal injury or some other problem, but I am not sure. You are not the only one to whom this really matters. We are just not as good as thousands of Veterans' wives, at least in that way.
Two months in - maybe trust issues? The doctor appt that's two months out. Not sure what to think. Is that the best he can do? Or did he not want urgency?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:51 PM on September 20, 2014
Sorry. I hope to hell I'd be okay if my loved one had a tragic spinal injury or some other problem, but I am not sure. You are not the only one to whom this really matters. We are just not as good as thousands of Veterans' wives, at least in that way.
Two months in - maybe trust issues? The doctor appt that's two months out. Not sure what to think. Is that the best he can do? Or did he not want urgency?
posted by Lesser Shrew at 12:51 PM on September 20, 2014
Best answer: Other potential possibilities are that he is gay and trying not to be, or that he is somewhat less sexually experienced than you (or other guys his age) and is uncomfortable about revealing that, or that he is just not that into you. You're at the two month mark of a new relationship, you should be boning down like giddy spring bunnies. I'm not sure the actual reason behind it matters as much as his refusal to talk with you about it.
posted by poffin boffin at 12:59 PM on September 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by poffin boffin at 12:59 PM on September 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
You're two months in and you're noticing a major incompatibility. Move on.
posted by mskyle at 1:04 PM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
posted by mskyle at 1:04 PM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
To me, it's not the lack of erection that is the real issue, regardless of cause: orientation, fetish, medical issue, death grip. It's the lack of forthrightness ("I am having this issue, and here are the steps I am taking to address it, including a specialist appointment in 2 months....") and the minimising of something that will by necessity impact both partners in a sexual relationship.
I'd bring that to him. If he is not willing to be both proactive and communicative about this, I'd find it hard to be in a relationship with him. Shit happens, all the time, but you have to face the shit and talk about it. If you can't do that, you're just left with shit.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:10 PM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
I'd bring that to him. If he is not willing to be both proactive and communicative about this, I'd find it hard to be in a relationship with him. Shit happens, all the time, but you have to face the shit and talk about it. If you can't do that, you're just left with shit.
posted by DarlingBri at 1:10 PM on September 20, 2014 [4 favorites]
"I find the suddenly universal assumption that this a fetish to be a little weird, honestly."
Yeaaaah.... About that....
I notice everyone who suggested this is a MeFite with experience, on some level, with kink or lifestyle fetishes.
They're totally telling you something important. This possibility may not apply to your situation, but this is how people keeping a secret behave. It's definitely "A Thing."
---
Your three choices here are. (A) he has a medical condition he's not comfortable disclosing to you, (B) he has a fetish so strong, it's the only way he gets hard, and he's not comfortable disclosing it to you, (C) he suspects he has a medical problem, but downplays it because he's too scared......
There are no other possibilities.
He's been intimate with you FOR TWO MONTHS! but he won't discuss this with you openly?
DTMFA.
Give him one last very kind & gentle opportunity to discuss this with you, then dump him.
Don't let someone who can't speak to you maturely share your bed or waste your time. He's not relationship material.
But yeah. My guess is medical or fetish. My guess is he knows, but won't tell you.
Let him be someone else's project, as Ruthless Bunny wisely counseled. Politely move on.
posted by jbenben at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2014 [19 favorites]
Yeaaaah.... About that....
I notice everyone who suggested this is a MeFite with experience, on some level, with kink or lifestyle fetishes.
They're totally telling you something important. This possibility may not apply to your situation, but this is how people keeping a secret behave. It's definitely "A Thing."
---
Your three choices here are. (A) he has a medical condition he's not comfortable disclosing to you, (B) he has a fetish so strong, it's the only way he gets hard, and he's not comfortable disclosing it to you, (C) he suspects he has a medical problem, but downplays it because he's too scared......
There are no other possibilities.
He's been intimate with you FOR TWO MONTHS! but he won't discuss this with you openly?
DTMFA.
Give him one last very kind & gentle opportunity to discuss this with you, then dump him.
Don't let someone who can't speak to you maturely share your bed or waste your time. He's not relationship material.
But yeah. My guess is medical or fetish. My guess is he knows, but won't tell you.
Let him be someone else's project, as Ruthless Bunny wisely counseled. Politely move on.
posted by jbenben at 1:13 PM on September 20, 2014 [19 favorites]
From a medical standpoint, the physical inability to achieve tumescence with your partner while being able to finish by yourself indicates the presence of some incredibly strong psychological programming going on in the background.
I can think of three likelihoods, and speaking honestly, some sort of fetish is probably the best case scenario there. It sounds like he's either been coaching you or easing you into the big reveal, impossible to say for sure.
Medications, alcohol, or any variety of onanism I've even heard rumors of; none of these would cause what you're describing. I guess it's technically possible for some psychiatric medications, but anorgasmia and total lack of sexual drive are much more typical.
I'm not in the business of judging people but this sounds like it has at least the potential to be very problematic for your continued relationship at the very least.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I can think of three likelihoods, and speaking honestly, some sort of fetish is probably the best case scenario there. It sounds like he's either been coaching you or easing you into the big reveal, impossible to say for sure.
Medications, alcohol, or any variety of onanism I've even heard rumors of; none of these would cause what you're describing. I guess it's technically possible for some psychiatric medications, but anorgasmia and total lack of sexual drive are much more typical.
I'm not in the business of judging people but this sounds like it has at least the potential to be very problematic for your continued relationship at the very least.
posted by hobo gitano de queretaro at 1:31 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
If the sex and communication and problem-solving aren't working very well now, when you're young and in the early, exciting stage of the relationship, and he doesn't seem very concerned about fixing the problem, how great do you think this relationship is going to be long-term?
posted by John Cohen at 1:34 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
posted by John Cohen at 1:34 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I notice no one has suggested porn addiction. Is this a possibility? Perhaps this is the mysterious "coaxing" he requires. His actions as you have described them read as "embarrassed" or "hiding something" or both. I would try having another talk with him. Be gentle, but ask for real answers and not evasiveness. If you are this concerned and frustrated and he still will not own up to the reason (if he even knows it) or get himself to a doctor ASAP, I would walk away and find someone you are more compatible with. Communication-wise AND sexually.
posted by ananci at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
posted by ananci at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
I'll throw out a possibility (D): he might not feel ready yet. I know that once you leave high school there's this tendency to just toss your clothes to the wind and bone on the third date, but not every man is comfortable with that. I have been that guy, and I will do other things (sometimes ridiculous things) which will please my partner, because I don't want to leave her in the lurch ... but at the same time, it can feel like a lot of intimacy, too much, and perhaps on her schedule only. You mentioned sex being off the table for three weeks, so this sounds a little bit like your schedule. Two months, minus the three weeks it was off the table, doesn't seem like very long to me.
You could suggest that, the next time he has the urge to masturbate, he do it with you, in a dark room. I've used that to increase someone else's comfort level before.
If he has, as I am reading from your setup, morning wood erections, then it isn't a medical problem. Maybe he's just not ready yet and the pressure isn't helping.
posted by adipocere at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
You could suggest that, the next time he has the urge to masturbate, he do it with you, in a dark room. I've used that to increase someone else's comfort level before.
If he has, as I am reading from your setup, morning wood erections, then it isn't a medical problem. Maybe he's just not ready yet and the pressure isn't helping.
posted by adipocere at 1:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
Every man I've ever known has been extraordinarily sensitive on the subject of no erection(s). I'm in my 50s; younger men may respond differently. Anti-depressants can easily cause erection troubles. I'd get cozy with him and say Dumpling, I really enjoy sexy times with you. Have you talked to a doctor about your lack of erections? I would say this in your own way, since you know him and you. This seems like a job for Viagra.
posted by theora55 at 2:19 PM on September 20, 2014
posted by theora55 at 2:19 PM on September 20, 2014
Best answer: Y'know, I'm just going to throw this out there FWIW....
The people suggesting alternatives that you should be "comfortable" with are making me very uncomfortable.
The lack of communication is glaring red flag-type clanging of warning.
Hey - if was a one night stand - no communication necessary if he's nice enough to help you orgasm.
Trouble is, you guys are dating.
Two months + plenty of naked times is past the point where he needed to be up front with you. His lack of disclosure, even when nicely asked about the situation is deal breaker territory.
If he can't talk about it, he can't be in an intimate relationship right now. That's how maturity and emotional availability work.
FYI, the way he's behaving does sound an awful lot like the way people behave when they are trying to ease you into something you would not normally be keen on. Like a fetish.
I could be wrong.
If he has some kind of fetish, there are millions of ways he can connect honestly with folks who share his predilection. Internet, groups, forums, apps, fetish dating sites - the possibilities for him if this is his thing are endless. So really, if this is the story, he doesn't have to be your project.
Either way though, the lack of communication from him bodes poorly and I would not make further excuses for him.
posted by jbenben at 2:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
The people suggesting alternatives that you should be "comfortable" with are making me very uncomfortable.
The lack of communication is glaring red flag-type clanging of warning.
Hey - if was a one night stand - no communication necessary if he's nice enough to help you orgasm.
Trouble is, you guys are dating.
Two months + plenty of naked times is past the point where he needed to be up front with you. His lack of disclosure, even when nicely asked about the situation is deal breaker territory.
If he can't talk about it, he can't be in an intimate relationship right now. That's how maturity and emotional availability work.
FYI, the way he's behaving does sound an awful lot like the way people behave when they are trying to ease you into something you would not normally be keen on. Like a fetish.
I could be wrong.
If he has some kind of fetish, there are millions of ways he can connect honestly with folks who share his predilection. Internet, groups, forums, apps, fetish dating sites - the possibilities for him if this is his thing are endless. So really, if this is the story, he doesn't have to be your project.
Either way though, the lack of communication from him bodes poorly and I would not make further excuses for him.
posted by jbenben at 2:39 PM on September 20, 2014 [6 favorites]
If he can get erections physically but not during sex, then to me it seems like an emotional problem rather than physical, and he needs a therapist, not a doctor. Anxiety makes sense as a problem. But without knowing much about this guy and his history and what might be the root cause of this, it could be a big tangled mess of emotions that are getting in the way, and it could be a long haul for him to get through it. Like months of intensive therapy. Maybe, who knows? Some people thought 'fetish', but I thought 'victim of sexual trauma'. Or maybe 'gay and not admitting it', or 'virgin and totally terrified'. Or it might be something else, but none of us know, and indeed there might not be any obvious root cause.
I don't think the two of you are a good match right now. You need him to be in a place where he's not, and it could be a very long time before he gets there, and you don't really have the patience, and he's not really moving there anyway. It's a lot to ask of such a new relationship. I think he would benefit from being with someone who is way more cautious and slow-paced around sex so there would be time and space to explore his emotions without pressure to perform (and even though you have been very gentle with him, I guarantee he feels pressure from your expression of your sexuality alone, which sounds much more liberated than his). And you should be with someone who you can connect with sexually from the beginning, and who is wiling to talk about and engage with you in this area and show you that he is in touch with this part of himself.
If you decide to end it, though, I would like to ask you to do your best to frame it as an incompatibility -- you are not the right people for each other right now -- rather than a failure or problem on his part. Just to avoid compounding the problem for him. There's only so much you can do here and it's not your responsibility to manage this for him, but it would be a kind thing to do.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:40 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I don't think the two of you are a good match right now. You need him to be in a place where he's not, and it could be a very long time before he gets there, and you don't really have the patience, and he's not really moving there anyway. It's a lot to ask of such a new relationship. I think he would benefit from being with someone who is way more cautious and slow-paced around sex so there would be time and space to explore his emotions without pressure to perform (and even though you have been very gentle with him, I guarantee he feels pressure from your expression of your sexuality alone, which sounds much more liberated than his). And you should be with someone who you can connect with sexually from the beginning, and who is wiling to talk about and engage with you in this area and show you that he is in touch with this part of himself.
If you decide to end it, though, I would like to ask you to do your best to frame it as an incompatibility -- you are not the right people for each other right now -- rather than a failure or problem on his part. Just to avoid compounding the problem for him. There's only so much you can do here and it's not your responsibility to manage this for him, but it would be a kind thing to do.
posted by PercussivePaul at 2:40 PM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]
I'm going with: anxiety that's being intensified by a feedback loop. Like, not having erections can be an embarrassing, emasculating thing for even the best of men out there. If the lack of erections are due to anxiety around intimacy, and they're compounded by the pressure to perform and the knowledge that their partner is getting frustrated by it, then that's a really difficult cocktail of things to deal with. The lack of communication around the issue reads to me as someone who's embarrassed or in denial about their anxiety and pressure around the issue. Maybe he feels powerless and weak about it and telling you that is mortifying, because you're the person he still feels like he needs to be impressing. If you're really into him and can wait for the doctor appointment, I would consider that. I would also consider being a bit non-boner-coaxing and more relaxed sexually, and letting him progress at a really simple, non-pressured pace. The suggestion of letting him masturbate around you sounds like a good starting point. Most of us don't think of men as needing a certain sense of comfort and lack of anxiety around sex, and instead think that's relegated more to women, but we're all complex snowflakes in bed and men are no exception.
posted by naju at 3:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
posted by naju at 3:38 PM on September 20, 2014 [10 favorites]
More of a problem than the lack of an erection is the lack of concern for your needs and feelings. Sex is something you need and want and he is stonewalling your attempts to open this subject up for discussion. What is he doing to address this issue with you? How does the way he is handling this bode for future relationship issues you may need to discuss with him? I suggest moving on as open communication does not seem to be happenning here and he seem happy with the status quo rather than concerned enough to maturely face the issue. Best of luck.
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 4:27 PM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
posted by RandomInconsistencies at 4:27 PM on September 20, 2014 [2 favorites]
Best answer: "Openness" is not going to solve a damn thing. This is probably humiliating for him; and the tendency to downplay sounds like denial, not that it's "not an emergency to him". Reluctance to talk about impotence is not "secrecy", "stonewalling". etc.
Making this into an issue of communication, intimacy, etc., will just fuel the anxiety. The problem is that he has taken too long in dealing with an issue that makes him deeply uncomfortable.
Make sure he knows how important this is for you, and that you can't wait for much longer. If it's a death grip issue or something like that, he can change that. If he doesn't quickly, then you have your answer. If it's a fetish (which this does not read as at all, but just for the sake of argument), that will motivate him to share it with you.
If it's medical, well, he made an appointment for a doctor. It seems he is fussed about it. If you can't wait for two months, don't. If you can, wait to see what happens. If nothing changes, split.
For the record, beer can cause whiskey dick.
She said a beer. Singular. I'm pretty sure she knows beer and wine have alcohol too.
posted by spaltavian at 6:18 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Making this into an issue of communication, intimacy, etc., will just fuel the anxiety. The problem is that he has taken too long in dealing with an issue that makes him deeply uncomfortable.
Make sure he knows how important this is for you, and that you can't wait for much longer. If it's a death grip issue or something like that, he can change that. If he doesn't quickly, then you have your answer. If it's a fetish (which this does not read as at all, but just for the sake of argument), that will motivate him to share it with you.
If it's medical, well, he made an appointment for a doctor. It seems he is fussed about it. If you can't wait for two months, don't. If you can, wait to see what happens. If nothing changes, split.
For the record, beer can cause whiskey dick.
She said a beer. Singular. I'm pretty sure she knows beer and wine have alcohol too.
posted by spaltavian at 6:18 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: The dr.'s appointment isn't to see a specialist, it's just to get a physical. I think he already had this appointment set up and it has nothing to do with any of this, but I could be wrong. Sorry if that wasn't clear.
This seems doomed, but I'll have one last (fully clothed) discussion with him.
posted by takemetosocktown at 6:30 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
This seems doomed, but I'll have one last (fully clothed) discussion with him.
posted by takemetosocktown at 6:30 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
I too have my money on He Knows But Won't Say. But to play devil's advocate, there's also "I'm sure this will go away as suddenly as it arrived" and "why go to the doctor; there's probably nothing they can do anyway."
posted by salvia at 7:31 PM on September 20, 2014
posted by salvia at 7:31 PM on September 20, 2014
Your question pretty much actually says that you don't want a relationship with someone who can't fuck you and refuses to talk about it, and identifies this guy as precisely that. If you're asking for permission to break up, you have mine.
posted by J. Wilson at 8:00 PM on September 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
posted by J. Wilson at 8:00 PM on September 20, 2014 [3 favorites]
Ask him explicitly what you could do to help with the "coaxing" so he could get it up while you're around. If he wants you to be no part of that, this would be a dealbreaker - it's red flags of all sorts, both that he's not comfortable telling you, and that he's got something so major going on that he assumes it would be a dealbreaker if he told you.
posted by aimedwander at 9:20 PM on September 20, 2014
posted by aimedwander at 9:20 PM on September 20, 2014
Mod note: A couple of comments deleted. Sensitive topic, but let's try to keep responses helpful, please, and OP, I understand you're feeling frustration, but people can only respond to what you've related and how you've phrased things. If you want to clarify, that's fine, but please don't fight with answerers, or engage in an argument by proxy here.
posted by taz (staff) at 11:18 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
posted by taz (staff) at 11:18 PM on September 20, 2014 [1 favorite]
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Did he mention if he's had this issue in the past?
In the end, it's his problem to solve. If he's not taking steps to take care of this and it's truly a deal-breaker for you, it might be time to walk. Though maybe let him know how important this is to you and give him a chance to act first.
posted by bunderful at 11:34 AM on September 20, 2014 [5 favorites]