How do I know if I am in love "enough" with my partner?
April 30, 2014 7:34 AM Subscribe
How do I know if I am in love "enough" with my partner? Snowflakery to follow
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (26 answers total) 8 users marked this as a favorite
(Note: commencing therapy this week)
My partner of 1 year (lived together 6 months) is always telling me I don't love him. I'm not always sure if he's fishing for compliments (he also says he's not handsome when he knows he is) or serious or both. I think both. He often says I love him but am not in love with him, or that I'm not sexually attracted to him. It's really annoying and also makes me question myself more than I already do.
*he feels loved and accepted when we have sex. This probably only happens once every week or two at the moment. I previously had an extremely high sex drive and was promiscuous when I was single, but now I have a new business and am exhausted most of the time. I am also on ssri's which I KNOW are impacting my sex drive. I hate feeling pressured to be all sexy when I just want to sleep. I am less sexually attracted to him than I was at the start but I still think he's handsome and sex is generally satisfying. I Do find confidence and stereotypical masculinity attractive and he's not exhibiting either of these at the moment. He talks in a baby voice when he's affectionate which I think is very cute but doesn't make me want to jump his bones. He knows I like sexually dominant men. I have bought things for him to tie me up with but he's never done it. Vanilla sex is OK but doesn't drive me totally crazy. In general though I'm upset about feeling like I've lost my sexuality (I rarely masturbate anymore either, having previously been a 2-3 times a dayer. I have seen a doctor and am on a new ssri that seems even worse. I can cut but it takes a while, it used to be effortless.) - I don't feel confident to be sexually in front of him until we are having sex (to initiate I just ask, I feel to awkward to seduce him. I have intimacy issues - see below. Everyone always says sex is better with a partner but I always found it much more exciting with strangers, even if it was not physically better.
*My last relationship ended 5 years ago and was very unhealthy and cruel and broke my heart very badly. It took me a long time to even consider WHY someone would want a boyfriend after that, let alone get to the point of trusting someone. This makes me unclear whether any doubts I have about the relationship come from my leftover issues or whether I hold onto the relationship because it is so good and I'm afraid I could never find another man who is as good hearted again.
*I don't have "the spark" with him and never really did... In my experience I've only had that intense throw-you-off-balance feeling with people who were unavailable or emotionally unavailable, so it made sense to me to go for someone who made me feel calm and happy and loving, rather than someone I wanted to impress. He is upset that I don't want to impress him. Occasionally I will get that feeling with a random person and it makes me wonder whether I need that feeling/wish I had that with my bf. Recently he noticed me being very attracted to a waiter and was beside himself and upset with me.
*he is an introvert with no close friends. I am a massive extrovert with a million things going on. I love how calming he is in my life and that I don't have to be "on" around him, but sometimes I wish he was more exciting/had more of his own life so I wouldn't feel bad when I accept invitations by myself. There's no "pull" in the relationship because he is always there. I told him this and he said I don't love him for who he is and I wish he was someone else.
He is the kindest, sweetest boy (we are 30 but that's how I think of him if that helps) I know, our values are the same, he treats me very well, I love spending lounge around time with him, we have a lot of silly fun together, he smells delicious, there is nothing about him that could ever disgust me, I love his body and I always feel a pull that I want to cuddle into him or always be touching him in some way. Whenever I see him sleeping I just melt. He's open to being more dominant in bed and says he gets off on it when he does.
I don't want to waste his time or hurt him (more) but maybe he's right, maybe he is 80% of what I'm looking for. I feel like I've become very boring since I started my business (working very long days will do that I guess) so some of my quest for excitement may be about myself, not him.
But how do I know if I love him enough? If this is enough? I would miss him so so so badly if he was gone, so many little things would remind me of him and I would just want him back. I know, I tried to break up with him once before. But in some ways I wish i didn't love him so i could just start over and not have these complications (good luck I know!)
Do you think I love him enough? Do you think the sexual chemistry stuff can be worked out?