I've been to paradise....

October 17, 2005 7:10 AM

What do you feel are the worst (charting) songs ever?

I'm looking to make a collection (playlist) here.

Now my immediate offerings seemed to fall into songs from the 60's and 70's. For some reason bad songs from that era more readily come to mind. I'm looking for bad, bad songs maybe from the late 70's on till now. (the person this is for is quite younger than me).

So, please, bring me your "The Girl Is Mine", your Harlem Shuffles and your Walk the Dinosaurs!

posted by sourwookie to media & arts (143 comments total)

Lean on Me, any version
Walking on Broken Glass, Annie Lennox
What's Going On?, Four Non-Blondes
Someone's going to complain about that list, I'm sure!
posted by whatzit at 7:14 AM on October 17, 2005

Aw--does it have to be a charting song? I'm assuming there's some wiggle room because you put that word in parentheses.

David Bowie's cover of "Alabama Song", from around 1980, is the worst pop recording I have ever heard (and I say this as someone who has a complete run of the Rykodisc Bowie reissues). In college I actually made money on one occasion by betting a friend that, if I put the song on my stereo, he wouldn't be able to get through the whole thing (it's only about four minutes) without asking me to turn it off.
posted by Prospero at 7:15 AM on October 17, 2005

Far too many here in the UK... songs that still come back to haunt me:

No Limits by some piece of Eurotrash in the mid nineties, the birdie song, Barbie Girl (In her Barbie World... ugh), polka dot bikini - some time in the eighties... and anything by Take That, Boyzone, McFly etc etc etc.
posted by twistedonion at 7:18 AM on October 17, 2005

We Built This City, (Jefferson) Starship
posted by sageleaf at 7:19 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh--and as far as songs that actually charted: "Cotton-Eye Joe," by Rednex.
posted by Prospero at 7:20 AM on October 17, 2005

What comes to my mind is inexplicable hit songs from actors:

Don Johnson, "Heartbeat"
Eddie Murphy, "Party All The Time"
posted by smackfu at 7:21 AM on October 17, 2005

Macarena

My Girl Wants to Party All the Time

I'm Too Sexy

Everybody Have Fun Tonight ("everybody Wang Chung tonight")

We Built this City on Rock and Roll

so many songs, so little time...
posted by Pollomacho at 7:22 AM on October 17, 2005

None of the above songs strike me as that bad.. but I'm going to go with that Crazy Frog song. Ba-ding-ding-ding-ding-diiiiiiing!
posted by wackybrit at 7:22 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh, and who could forget Mr. Blobby's Xmas number 1?
posted by wackybrit at 7:22 AM on October 17, 2005

For me, it used to be "Shut Up" bv the Black Eyed Peas. Every time I head that fucking song it made my skin crawl. Ugh. I used to think it was the worst charting pop song of. all. time.

Then they released "Don't Phunk With My Heart"
posted by Quartermass at 7:23 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh, let's not forget:

Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh - Hangin' Tough by the fabulous New Kids on the Block (aka NKotB)
posted by Pollomacho at 7:24 AM on October 17, 2005

Mmmmmmmmmm Bop
posted by Pollomacho at 7:25 AM on October 17, 2005

- "La Isla Bonita" - Madonna
- "Wild Wild West" - The Escape Club
- that one where some schmaltzy duo combined Frampton's "Baby I Love Your Way" with some other song ("Free Bird"?) in a horrible medley. Someone help me out here. Mid-to-late '80s.
- "Believe" - Cher (grounds for her execution, if you ask me)


ps. The original version of "Harlem Shuffle" (I assume you're referring to the Stones' somewhat tepid cover), by Bob & Earl (1963) is fucking awesome.
posted by Dr. Wu at 7:26 AM on October 17, 2005

Your on a roll Pollo.

Song that's getting on my tits at the minute - anything by that A-con twat
posted by twistedonion at 7:27 AM on October 17, 2005

hold on, hold on. Mmmmm Bop ranks nowhere near the bottom (perhaps even near the top). Sure it was overplayed, and due to the ear-worm nature of the hook got in people's heads and drove them mad, but other than that it is an awesome piece of pop confection. The thing about Hanson was that 1) they wrote their own songs 2)played their own instruments 3)were kids when they wrote Mmmmm Bop.
posted by Quartermass at 7:28 AM on October 17, 2005

"Believe" - Cher (grounds for her execution, if you ask me)

A reason vocoders should be banned from use by anyone with no taste or musical talent if you ask me!
posted by twistedonion at 7:29 AM on October 17, 2005

UK charts:

The Birdie Song by ?
Anything "sung" by the Smurfs
Grandad by Clive Dunn and assorted schoolchildren
Y Viva Espana by ?
Paloma Blanca / Jonathan King
D.I.S.C.O. / Ottawan
Agadoo / Black Lace
Macarena / Los Del Rio
You're the one that I want by Arthur Mullard and some woman
Anything by manufactured all girl/all boy/mixed gender bands

There are many, many more but I'll start sounding like a curmudgeonly old bat so that'll do for now.
posted by ceri richard at 7:29 AM on October 17, 2005

oh and Shuddupayaface by Joe Dolce or somesuch.
posted by ceri richard at 7:30 AM on October 17, 2005

Band Aid--"Do They Know It's Christmas"
posted by Prospero at 7:32 AM on October 17, 2005

Leave DISCO out of it - brings back sweet memories down at the local youth club. I loved that tune!
posted by twistedonion at 7:32 AM on October 17, 2005

Now I'm singin DISCO just remembered that other one - pass the 'duchie' - if that's the right way to spell that.
posted by twistedonion at 7:33 AM on October 17, 2005

Ace of Base--"The Sign"
UB40--"Red Red Wine"
posted by Prospero at 7:34 AM on October 17, 2005

The thing about Hanson was that 1) they wrote their own songs 2)played their own instruments 3)were kids when they wrote Mmmmm Bop.

All those things would have been commendable if the songs had been good.

I'd also like to add:

Proud to be an American - Lee Greenwood

Are you Ready for Some Football - Hank Jr.

Wannabe - Spice Girls
posted by Pollomacho at 7:35 AM on October 17, 2005

That Ewok song from Return of the Jedi actually made it to the Top 40 back in '83. That's gotta count, right?
posted by Dr. Wu at 7:36 AM on October 17, 2005

seconding "we built this city"
"at this moment" by billy and the beaters
"opposites attract" by paula abdul
"foolish beat" by debbie gibson
"cherry pie" by warrant
"girls, girls, girls" by motley shove-that-umlaut-up-your-ass crue
"shake you down" by gregory something-or-other
just about all of lionel richie's solo work (dancing on the ceiling? fuck right off, then)
"party all the time" by eddie murphy
"pac man fever" by buckner & garcia
"axel f" by harold faltermeier (mostly because it is a crappy ripoff of "Move Out" by Yaz)
"ebony and ivory" by jackson & mccartney
"loving you" by ray parker junior (a ripoff of "every breath you take")

Can you tell I spent the latter part of the 80s working retail, forced to listen to the radio? Some time in the mid-nineties, I must have gotten a sense of humor about bad pop music. Maybe because I was no longer being force-fed bland radio fodder.
posted by whatnot at 7:36 AM on October 17, 2005

Who let the dogs out
posted by malp at 7:37 AM on October 17, 2005

No one has even touched on the bad hair bands from the 80's -

Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison (horrible, unredeemable piece of corporate rock garbage)
Rock You Like A Hurricane - Scorpions (the verses makes me want to stab myself in the head)
Cherry Pie - Warrant ( . )
Dr. Feelgood - Motley Crue ("He's GONNA BE YOUR FRANKENSTEIN!!!!!)
The Final Countdown - Europe
posted by Quartermass at 7:37 AM on October 17, 2005

WHOOMP! There it is.
posted by By The Grace of God at 7:38 AM on October 17, 2005

whatnot's list is really good. "Opposites Attract" and "Dancing on the Ceiling" are truly dreadful songs.

("Shake You Down" was by Gregory Isaacs, I think.)
posted by Dr. Wu at 7:39 AM on October 17, 2005

"Puttin' on the Ritz" as done by Taco, ca. 1983. Gah.

Though I do have fond-ish memories of going somewhere with a friend when it came on the radio and we'd both sing along as Peter Boyle from Young Frankenstein. It was funny because the Monster had a speech impediment.

Also:

Pac-Man Fever by Buckner and Garcia.
Turn On Your Heartlight by Neil Diamond.
Africa by Toto (Is a lepress the Queen of the Lepers?).
Horse With No Name by Neil Young, just for the grammar.
Cherry Pie by Warrant.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:40 AM on October 17, 2005

Dr. Wu writes "- that one where some schmaltzy duo combined Frampton's 'Baby I Love Your Way' with some other song ('Free Bird'?) in a horrible medley. Someone help me out here. Mid-to-late "80s."

The band was "Will To Power" and it was, indeed, Freebird and Baby I Love Your Way...

twistedonion writes "'Believe' - Cher (grounds for her execution, if you ask me)

"A reason vocoders should be banned from use by anyone with no taste or musical talent if you ask me!"

Nothing to do with vocoding - Antares AutoTune was the culprit there...
posted by benzo8 at 7:41 AM on October 17, 2005

Little ditty, about Jack and Diane
2 American kids growin up in the heartland.
Jacky goin' be a football star
Diane's debutante--backseat of Jacky's car
posted by Nelson at 7:42 AM on October 17, 2005

So we don't like Warrant very much, apparently. Also, Poison sucked.

The true horror of "The Final Countdown" is hearing at least 278 ice skaters use it in their routines in every Olympics since it came out. See also, the music from Jurassic Park.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 7:42 AM on October 17, 2005

By the way the oldest Hanson was older than Steve Winwood when he was putting out songs with Spencer Davis, Clapton, Traffic, Blind Faith, etc.....

Horse with No Name was actually America, Heart of Gold, the song it bumped from the charts was Neil Young.
posted by Pollomacho at 7:44 AM on October 17, 2005

I would like to remind those who have posted so far that page-3 favourite Sam Fox had a successful recording career.
posted by biffa at 7:45 AM on October 17, 2005

Okay, one more post--Duran Duran: either "Wild Boys", or their cover of "White Lines" by Grandmaster Flash and the Furious Five.

(Though if you can find Duran Duran's cover album Thank You, you'll be treated to their cover of Public Enemy's "911 Is a Joke", which is a whole 'nother level of badness.)
posted by Prospero at 7:45 AM on October 17, 2005

Love is like a Rock by Donnie Iris must have the absolute worst lyrics of any charted song. Pittsburgh represent...ed poorly.
posted by allen.spaulding at 7:46 AM on October 17, 2005

Achy.
Breaky.
Heart.
posted by jontyjago at 7:47 AM on October 17, 2005

Tubthumping by Chumbawumba

Barbie Girl by Aqua
posted by iconomy at 7:48 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh man, in my opinion, Red Red Wine by UB40 is one of the worst songs ever, regardless of chart status.
posted by o2b at 7:49 AM on October 17, 2005

Worth noting that Red Red Wine was written by Neil Diamond...
posted by benzo8 at 7:51 AM on October 17, 2005

Ah, this is going to be all about personal taste. Some mentions make me giggle and others have me thinking, "Hey. I enjoy that song a lot." But I won't say which as I don't want to find a lot of torch-bearing MeFites at my door tonight.

This thread is very similar, except it requested awful romantic songs.
posted by orange swan at 7:58 AM on October 17, 2005

Crap, this is the thread I meant.
posted by orange swan at 7:58 AM on October 17, 2005

Bryan Adams, Everything I Do
posted by Leon at 8:00 AM on October 17, 2005

As soon as I read this question "We built this city" started playing in my head.
posted by fire&wings at 8:00 AM on October 17, 2005

You people just aren't thinking. You're latching on to whatever cutesy corporate '80s or '90s pop number bugged you when it was played a million times on the radio, and calling it one of the worst songs of all time. You need to dig for the real badness, guys.

"MacArthur Park"
"Honey"
"Last Kiss" (both the original and the cover)
"Wildfire"
"He Hit Me And It Felt Like a Kiss"
"Hey Paula"

I know you can do better.
posted by Faint of Butt at 8:03 AM on October 17, 2005

I keep thinking about the awful circa 1990 vocal aerobics of Tony Braxton, Mariah Carey, and though it might not qualify as vocal aerobics, Natalie Coal.

Unbreak my Heart is just nauseating. Unforgettable is a perfectly nice song, but I can't help judging it by Natalie's unfortunate contribution...

Baaad, wooorst, what-ev-er you wannt (to call it)
Why hasn't anybody mentioned My Heart Will Go On-n.

Finally, if Jack & Diane qualifies, then We Drive A Fast Car has to too, it has the same guitar riff.
posted by Chuckles at 8:18 AM on October 17, 2005

Shiny Happy People by REM

**shudder**
posted by bifter at 8:18 AM on October 17, 2005

"Summer Girls" and "Girl On TV," LFO
"My Obsession," Animotion
"Just Can't Get Enough," Depeche Mode
"I'll Melt With You," Modern English
"Whip It," Devo
posted by jonmc at 8:24 AM on October 17, 2005

The Sign, by Ace of Base. Made me want to kill myself.
posted by iconomy at 8:25 AM on October 17, 2005

And I like MMMBop. Y'all are just haters who don't recognize pop perfection.
posted by jonmc at 8:26 AM on October 17, 2005

Seasons in the Sun - Terry Jacks
Popcorn - Hot Butter
Meri Wilson - Telephone Man
Ringo Starr - The No No Song
Walter Egan - Magnet and Steel
posted by mr_crash_davis at 8:32 AM on October 17, 2005

Whip It? Are you out of your mind?

I can't stand the song Machinehead by Bush, but I'm not sure it rises to the level of supremely awful like Achy Breaky Heart or Who Let the Dogs Out.
posted by MegoSteve at 8:33 AM on October 17, 2005

"jump" by van halen
"heartlight" by neil diamond (which is sad, I am a fan of the older stuff)
"i just called to say i love you" by stevie wonder (also, otherwise a fan)
"big love" by fleetwood mac
"mickey" by toni basil (more for the annoyance factor)
"lucky star" and "crazy for you" by madonna
"spiderwebs" or "don't speak" by no doubt
"woman" by john lennon (i know! blasphemy!)
how could i have forgotten don johnson/samantha fox/poison? some just aren't worth hating, even.

and if we are going for old stuff, i never liked
"leader of the pack" by the shangri-la's (i think)
"strangers in the night" by whoever, most notably sinatra
posted by whatnot at 8:38 AM on October 17, 2005

"cherry pie" by warrant
"girls, girls, girls" by motley shove-that-umlaut-up-your-ass crue
"jump" by van halen

Communist.

The first two are not the greatest of their genre, to be sure, but they are completely redeemed by the fact that they make excellent background music for strippers.
posted by jonmc at 8:40 AM on October 17, 2005

Apologies if some of these are repeats:

Snap - The Power
Snow - Informer
Ini Kamoze - Here Comes the Hotstepper
Crazy Town - Butterfly
(I don't know who sang it) - Sugar Sugar (not the Archies one, but the insipid pop-rap cover version)
posted by box at 8:48 AM on October 17, 2005

Africa by Toto (Is a lepress the Queen of the Lepers?).

Is this a joke mishearing or an awesome, awesome true mondegreen? (The line -- because, God help me, this is the earworm that has stuck for me out of this whole diabolical thread -- is "I bless the rains down in Africa." Also, I've just looked up the rest of the lyrics and they are substantially more inane than I'd even realized.)
posted by redfoxtail at 8:50 AM on October 17, 2005

how can anyone not like ace of base? i mean seriously. here are some of mine. "we built this city" is required listening for anyone researching terrible songs. how about cat scratch fever? this is how we do it? the informant?
posted by glenwood at 8:51 AM on October 17, 2005

africa by toto is an awesome song dammit. screw you guys. i'm leaving the room.
posted by glenwood at 8:52 AM on October 17, 2005

Smells like teen spirit
posted by angry modem at 8:54 AM on October 17, 2005

"Bohemian Rhapsody" -- and anything by Heart.

(Why the tapes of these weren't all degaussed at the onset of the 1980s, we'll never know.)
posted by Rash at 8:55 AM on October 17, 2005

Bohemian Rhapsody is good you bastard.
posted by angry modem at 9:01 AM on October 17, 2005

He's one o' them New Wavers. Let's kick his ass.
posted by jonmc at 9:03 AM on October 17, 2005

Communist.

Well, color me pink and put me in line for toilet paper, because my feelings about hair metal are the same as your feelings about disco, jonmc! Although i wouldn't put van halen in the hair metal category. But even they probably should've stopped after the first album.

"it's magic" by the cars (otherwise a fan)
"rosanna" by toto (double-whammy, because it's about rosanna arquette, the weasel-faced wonder-mattress of the 80s)
"she works hard for the money" by donna summer
"neutron dance" by the pointer sisters
posted by whatnot at 9:06 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh, trust me, I hate 80's synthpop far worse than I dislike disco. I believe it's probably the worst genre of music ever created.
posted by jonmc at 9:08 AM on October 17, 2005

"I wanna Sex You Up"
"Boom Boom Boom"
Mr. Mister's entire recorded (charting) output
posted by crumbly at 9:11 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh God, how could I forget "Never been to Me" by Charlene.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:13 AM on October 17, 2005

[Cherry Pie and GirlsGirlsGirls] are completely redeemed by the fact that they make excellent background music for strippers.

But why use those, when you could just use "The Stripper?" Or have her start out dressed like a cop -- a sexy cop -- and use the Peter Gunn theme?

Is this a joke mishearing or an awesome, awesome true mondegreen?

It's not a joke*. I always heard it as "rises like a leopress," which I assumed was supposed to be a female leopard. Googling, I see that it's supposedly "Olympus."

I Saw the Sign is a terrible song and worse earworm. Doodle dee doo, dumpalumpa dinkity dum doo...

*But then, I always heard the last song in Grease -- "You're The One that I Want" -- as singing "yuggaleggalaweg, yuggaleggalaleggalaweg, ooh ooh ooh, so I am a complete moron about these matters.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:16 AM on October 17, 2005

... carry a laser down the road that i must travel ...
posted by whatnot at 9:17 AM on October 17, 2005

how could I forget "Never been to Me" by Charlene.

Look up.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:17 AM on October 17, 2005

But why use those,

Because "Girls, Girls, Girls," makes we want to get drunk and rowdy and look at/chase naked chicks around. So in that sense, it's a complete artistic success, no?
posted by jonmc at 9:18 AM on October 17, 2005

Also terrible songs:

If I Had A Rocket Launcher
N-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-n-nineteen.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 9:18 AM on October 17, 2005

Dionne Warwick & Friends - That's What Friends Are For
Milli Vanilli Wilson Philips - Hold On
Sinead O'Connor - Nothing Compares To You
Vanilla Ice - Ice, Ice Baby
Timmy T - One More Try
Bette Midler - From A Distance
Right Said Fred - I'm Too Sexy
Silk - Freak Me
Los Del Rio - Macarena
Hanson - MmmBop
Thong Song - Sisqo
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:19 AM on October 17, 2005

damn, that got mangled a bit on posting.. though i guess it doesn't matter which Milli Vanilli song I listed.
posted by I Love Tacos at 9:21 AM on October 17, 2005

Ugh. Second Heart. That one song - "All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You." It tells the story of a woman who can't conceive with her husband that she loves so she runs off and has a one-night stand with some random dude. She runs into him years later and he sees that he fathered a child for him and the husband. Effin' painful.

Better Than Ezra, "Good". Such a bad Pixies rip-off, it questioned my faith in humanity. Also, singer needs to hold a note for more than a microsecond and pull his diaphram out of his sinuses. For further crimes against humanity, BTE's latest radio hit contains the lyric where he explains his prom night experience thusly:

"I knew it wasn't right but it felt so good/and her mother didn't mind like I thought she would/And an R.E.M. song was playing in my mind/two and a half minutes [dramatic pause] felt like a lifetime." Hands down worst song I've heard in the last year, not mention maybe the worst musical reference to sex I've ever heard.
posted by Heminator at 9:22 AM on October 17, 2005

Tubthumping by Chumbawumba

"I got no job, but I got alcohol!" (The lyrics as heard by a good friend of mine.)

If I Had A Rocket Launcher

This pretty much takes the cake.

Anything that's got airplay off Bruce Hornsby's new one. I notice he sold "Gonna Be Some Changes Made" to Lowe's before the record even came out. What an insipid bunch of tunes -- half of 'em are bad Randy Newman pastiches.
posted by kindall at 9:24 AM on October 17, 2005

Look up.

You're not the boss of me. Er, I mean, d'oh.
posted by allen.spaulding at 9:26 AM on October 17, 2005

glenwood, I don't like Ace of Base. You got a problem wit dat?

*waits outside for glenwood*
posted by iconomy at 9:26 AM on October 17, 2005

See? I leave the room for 30 minutes and what happens - Bohemian Rhapsody?!! ANYTHING by heart?! (Barracuda / Crazy on you are not shitty!). Jesus christ.

"I just called to say i love you" is actually scientifically proven to be the worst song ever.

"that's what friends are for" is a close second.
posted by glenwood at 9:26 AM on October 17, 2005

Sisqo - Thong Song
Bone Crusher - Never Scared
Rump Shaker - Wrecks 'n Effect
Rock and Roll, Pt. 2 - Gary Glitter
posted by box at 9:26 AM on October 17, 2005

Oops. The first two are artist - title, while the last two are title - artist.
posted by box at 9:27 AM on October 17, 2005

Wait, did I just see Devo up there?! For the love of christ! This thread needs to be locked RIGHT NOW.
posted by glenwood at 9:28 AM on October 17, 2005

Yes you did, glenwood. From me. But if it makes you feel any better, I'm with you on Heart, "Barracuda," is a Zep ripoff, but "Crazy On You," and "Dog & Butterfly," are both reallly good.
posted by jonmc at 9:29 AM on October 17, 2005

Informer, Snow.

Lickey-boom-boom down, bitches.
posted by robocop is bleeding at 9:30 AM on October 17, 2005

I definitely second the Black Eyed Peas' Shut Up, Cher's Believe, Ebony and Ivory, Who Let The Dogs Out, Spice Girls and of course the Crazy Frog, and many others already mentioned.

Plus:
Celine Dion - My heart will go on
Bloodhoud Gang - 'you and me baby ain't nothing but mammals'
? - 'because I got high, because I got high, because I got high'
50 cent - Candy Shop, lick my lollypop, uh uhhh
Ricky Martin - la vida loca

Others in this 50 worst songs of all time list.
posted by funambulist at 9:30 AM on October 17, 2005

Yes but the question here is worst songs of all time, a list on which Barracuda isn't even in the same universe.

I probably like way too much stuff, as this thread finds me defending TOTO, of all fucking bands. But DEVO?! They're so brilliantly weird and influential it's just not even fair to put them on this list.
posted by glenwood at 9:32 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh, I like some of Devo's songs, but that particular one annoys the crap out of me, especially since you couldn't escape it back in the day.
posted by jonmc at 9:33 AM on October 17, 2005

"Human" by The Human League. While we were apart, I was human too. Ugh, ugh, ugh.

"Joyride" by Roxette. If I have to explain why, you've just never heard it.

"Get Outta My Dreams, Get Into My Car" by Billy Ocean.

Too many Hall & Oates songs to count.
posted by Pufferish at 9:35 AM on October 17, 2005

Ah I just remembered the most video-enhanced awful classic of all times: "hellooo? is it me you're looking for?" - what's his name... Lionel Ritchie yeah.

"I just called to say i love you" is actually scientifically proven to be the worst song ever.

That too.
posted by funambulist at 9:35 AM on October 17, 2005

Kokomo.
posted by jrossi4r at 9:40 AM on October 17, 2005

I'm with you, glenwood, but I read somewhere that even Mothersbaugh dislikes "whip it" now. I couldn't find the article, although this was interesting.
posted by whatnot at 9:46 AM on October 17, 2005

"Who Let The Dogs Out" by the Baha Men. Beat that!

Also someone above mentioned "Ebony & Ivory" and said it was by McCartney and Jackson, it's actually by McCartney & Stevie Wonder, and is not *that* bad a song either.
posted by riffola at 9:52 AM on October 17, 2005

Breakout - swing out sister
ANYTHING/everything by Basia
posted by necessitas at 9:53 AM on October 17, 2005

Last addition, nineties pop-dance crap:
The only way is up - Yazz
Things can only get better - D:REAM
posted by funambulist at 9:58 AM on October 17, 2005

"Ebony & Ivory" and said it was by McCartney and Jackson, it's actually by McCartney & Stevie Wonder, and is not *that* bad a song either.

I prefer Piscopo & Murphy's parody: I am black and you are white/you are blind as a bat and i have sight...
posted by jonmc at 9:59 AM on October 17, 2005

Stevie Wonder "Part Time Lover" as well as "Just Called to Say I love You."
There's a whole catalog of 'hits' to mine from Disney movie soundtracks.
Deadeye Dick "New Age Girl"
That Kenny Loggins song from the Top Gun soundtrack.
That song from that Robin Hood movie with Kevin Costner and Christian Slater.
Walking On Goddamned Sunshine
posted by Sara Anne at 10:00 AM on October 17, 2005

"A reason vocoders should be banned from use by anyone with no taste or musical talent if you ask me!"

Nothing to do with vocoding - Antares AutoTune was the culprit there...

twisetedonion and benzo8, i agree that "Believe" is a truly horrible song, but your picking on the most redeemable part of the song.

Also adding - Richard Marx - pick a song. And "Wind Beneath My Wings" by Bette Midler, and "Candle in the Wind (Princess Di remix)" by Elton John, "Wild Wild West" by Escape Club and Kool Moe Dee, "Kokomo" by the Beach Boys, "(I'm in Love) With the Other Woman" by Ray Parker, Jr. can all choke on it.

I would like to take back - "Whip It" by Devo (jonmc - you'll start a riot in Ohio! And how are you not defending Joe Dolce!), "Leader of the Pack", "Pass the Dutchie" and the Falco diss.
Suck it, hatas!
posted by hellbient at 10:05 AM on October 17, 2005

You and me baby, ain't nothing but mammals. [Bloodhound Gang]
"Stacy's Mom"- Fountains of Wayne
posted by hopeless romantique at 10:09 AM on October 17, 2005

Rico, Suave - Gerardo
Party All the Time - Murphy

And yeah, Hey Mickey makes me ill to this day.

And for those of you who don't like A Horse with no Name: Why do you hate America?
posted by horsewithnoname at 10:10 AM on October 17, 2005

"Die Another Day," Madonna (Awhile back, I was looking for a collection of Bond theme songs, and I wanted a fairly recent one, becuase Garbage's "The World Is Not Enough" is one of the five best Bond theme songs, IMO. I was immediately sold on this one when I saw one review which said something along the lines of, "As an added bonus, 'Die Another Day' is not on this CD.")

"Almost Paradise," Ann Wilson & Mike Reno, from the Footloose soundtrack. The title of the thread reminded me of that, I'm sorry to say.

"Brown-Eyed Girl," Van Morrison Yeah, I know I'll take a lot of heat for that one, but I hate hate hate it, and I've seen about a dozen songs in this thread already that I like, so those of you who like this song can suck it.
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 10:12 AM on October 17, 2005

"Joyride" by Roxette.

Surely their magnum opus "You're Sexing Me" is worse than that.

It makes me think of a production line of Euro fake-rockers passing by a bored dude who reaches up and grabs each one's crotch to figure out whether it's male or female.
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 10:17 AM on October 17, 2005

The song that you are looking for is "My Ding-a-ling," as covered by The Leaders of the New School, a "good times" rap act from 1991. This is the worst song to ever chart. (Technically a non-single track from an album that went to #1 on the Heatseaker charts, and #58 on the combined Top 200).

Honorable mentions: Deadeye Dick, anything from Grease, Seasons in the Sun, Muskrat Love, Rhiannon, Toby Keith.
posted by klangklangston at 10:19 AM on October 17, 2005

"Feelings," Morris Albert
"The Morning After," Maureen McGovern
"All I Wanna Do" Sheryl Crow
"Wild Wild West" Escape Club
"Second Chance" .38 Special (which is a shame since I really like some of their older stuff)
posted by jonmc at 10:28 AM on October 17, 2005

"Yesterday" by the Beatles.
posted by hellbient at 10:39 AM on October 17, 2005

"Yesterday" by the Beatles.

Oh, no you di'nt.
posted by mr_crash_davis at 10:42 AM on October 17, 2005

I'd like to second (or third?) the string of really bad Black Eyed Peas songs. The newest one, My Humps, is making me angry just thinking about it.

These are actual lyrics:
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump,
My hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump, my hump.
My lovely lady lumps [x3]
In the back and in the front.
My lovin’ got u,
She’s got me spendin’. [etc...]
posted by mullacc at 10:56 AM on October 17, 2005

'Joyride' by Roxette.

"Surely their magnum opus 'You're Sexing Me' is worse than that.

ROU, I don't think that charted very high in the U.S., as I've never heard it. Sounds like I should be grateful for that...
posted by Pufferish at 11:03 AM on October 17, 2005

"Kokomo" becomes more funny than bad when you just imagine they're actually singing about Kokomo, Indiana. Or maybe that's just me.
posted by dagnyscott at 11:07 AM on October 17, 2005

Any. Rap. Ever. (With the possible exception of Dire Straits' "Industrial Disease," although that's not what I usually think of as a rap song.)

"Born to Be Alive," Patrick Hernandez.

"(My Old Blue) Jeans On", David Dundas.
posted by alumshubby at 11:07 AM on October 17, 2005

yeah Crash, that's just a sappy, boring McCartney song from a pathetic point of view (i do understand that's sort of the point). Certainly there are worse songs, but the Beatles can afford to get banged up now and then.

Oh, alumshubby just reminded me of that Dire Strait's "Money for Nothing" song. And I kinda like the cheesy production of the song, but "Rock On" by Micael Damien is pretty terrible. "Kiss Me Deadly" by Lita Ford. "Pure Energy" by Information Society. "Don't Worry Be Happy" by Bobby McFerrin. "Trapped in a Closet" by R. Kelly is fascinatingly horrible.
posted by hellbient at 11:24 AM on October 17, 2005

"Stacy's Mom"- Fountains of Wayne

Nah that one was fun... and anyway it was redeemed by the video.
But I also think Aqua's Barbie Girl and that Cotton Eye Joe song were fun so don't listen to me.

... c'mon barbie let's go party ah ah ah yeah ...
posted by funambulist at 11:37 AM on October 17, 2005

But I also think Aqua's Barbie Girl

Well, it has been theme music for several of my most memorable lap dances.
posted by jonmc at 11:42 AM on October 17, 2005

ROU, I don't think that charted very high in the U.S., as I've never heard it. Sounds like I should be grateful for that...

Googling, it seems that it was Fiona w/Kip Winger, and not Roxette, and I assume it never went high on the charts. Still, a really terrible song. You're sexing me? Like a chicken I should sex her?
posted by ROU_Xenophobe at 11:54 AM on October 17, 2005

She's Like the Wind - Patrick Swayze
Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden
I Will Always Love You - Whitney Houston
Because I Love You (The Postman Song) - Stevie B

BTW, I loved Stacy's Mom as a song, but the combination of the video and its later appearance in a Dr Pepper commercial have really set it back for me.
posted by jmcmurry at 11:58 AM on October 17, 2005

Oh, this is addictive.
"We Didn't Start the Fire" and "Pressure" by Billy Joel.
"Good Vibrations" by Marky Mark & the Funky Bunch.
"Hangin' Tough" - New Kids on the Block
"Everybody Dance Now! Dun. Dun. DunDunDun. Dun." C+C Music Factory
"I Love a Rainy Night" - Eddie Rabbitt
"Rain In The Summertime" - The Alarm
"Tarzan Boy" - Baltimora
posted by hellbient at 12:12 PM on October 17, 2005

#Let's do the time warp again…#
posted by Lanark at 12:24 PM on October 17, 2005

What was that song by Don Johnson. That should be on there too.

And alms: You're so wrong on the rap tip, my god. It's like you went out of your way to impersonate a clueless white man.
posted by klangklangston at 12:25 PM on October 17, 2005

"Elvira" by the Oak Ridge Boys. Sheer torture.
posted by tristeza at 12:26 PM on October 17, 2005

It's like you went out of your way to impersonate a clueless white man.

klangklangston, when it comes to rap, I probably am a clueless white man. I dislike rap more than pretty much everything else that's been mentioned here, but I'm open to the idea that it's my fault more than rap's. So what? I still can't stand it. Wasn't the original question "What do you feel are the worst..."?
posted by alumshubby at 12:34 PM on October 17, 2005

a 2nd for glenwood's pick: Cat Scratch Fever by Ted Nugent is the worst song I have ever heard
posted by phildog at 12:39 PM on October 17, 2005

Let me put it this way:

Ever try to hum a rap song?
posted by alumshubby at 12:45 PM on October 17, 2005

well, it ain't called hum-hop.

And it has been theme music for several of my most memorable hummers.
posted by hellbient at 12:53 PM on October 17, 2005

Either MF'ers don't listen to today's Top 40 hits or they are too obsessed with the 80's. I can't believe Gwen Stefani's "Hollaback Girl" has not been mentioned yet. It will certainly be Top 5 when this question is asked again in 10 years.

Add my votes for "We Built this City", "Mmmmm Bop", "Red Red Wine", and "The Final Countdown"
posted by tuxster at 12:55 PM on October 17, 2005

How about Bobby Bare's " Drop kick me Jesus through the goalposts of life". Did that chart?
posted by Wilder at 12:59 PM on October 17, 2005

If you want to talk about today's music, "Hollaback Girl" is annoying, but not nearly as annoying as Weezer's "Beverly Hills."
posted by DevilsAdvocate at 1:00 PM on October 17, 2005

Not that anyone cares, but I made a ghastly error way up the page: "Shake You Down" is not by Gregory Isaacs, who is actually really excellent. It's by One Hit Wonder Gregory Abbott.

I'd also like to add to this list "Come on and Get My Love" (by D-Mob?) and that awful, clanky-clank Missy Elliott song from a couple years ago. Big hit, but I don't know what it's called. Drives me up the wall.
posted by Dr. Wu at 1:19 PM on October 17, 2005

'Total Eclipse of the Heart'
posted by box at 1:20 PM on October 17, 2005

No, Missy didn't do "Total Eclipse of the Heart" - I think you're thinking about "Get Your Freak On"? It was a great tune for about a week.
posted by hellbient at 2:44 PM on October 17, 2005

Missy, huh? 'Total Eclipse of the Heart' is some kind of awful '80s song that I believe was on the Footloose soundtrack. I like most of Missy's singles well enough.
posted by box at 2:48 PM on October 17, 2005

sorry box, it was a lame (and lamely executed) joke...
*tugs tongue from cheek*
posted by hellbient at 3:04 PM on October 17, 2005

Ain't no thing, hellbient. I feel like I'm the one to blame.

And, to prevent this post from being entirely off-topic:
'Super Bowl Shuffle' - Chicago Bears
'All I Want To Do Is Make Love To You' - Heart
'River of Dreams' - Billy Joel
posted by box at 3:22 PM on October 17, 2005

but not nearly as annoying as Weezer's "Beverly Hills."

Ahh, wow, I didn't know that was a real song. I was in a hotel last week and that's what was playing when the alarm clock went off; I assumed it was some kind of zany joke song the DJs had found on the internet somewhere.
posted by Mars Saxman at 3:26 PM on October 17, 2005

box - how bout we "Blame it on the Rain" by Milli Vanilli?
posted by hellbient at 3:35 PM on October 17, 2005

I still can't believe that Eve 6's "Inside Out" ever got any air play at all. It sounded like a mediocore local band trying way too hard to be something they're not and saddled with a laughably bad lyricist.
posted by Clay201 at 3:44 PM on October 17, 2005

Truly Madly Deeply - Savage Garden

in the same vein:

"Kiss me" - Sixpence None The Richer, also their vile version of the La's "There she goes".

"Breakfast at Tiffany's" - Deep Blue Something

"Love Is All Around" - Wet Wet Wet

"I Believe I Can Fly" - R. Kelly

"I'll Be Missing You" - Puff Daddy & Faith Evans
posted by funambulist at 4:03 PM on October 17, 2005

Black Eyed Peas' recent singles have been awful. I remember sitting in some pizza place when "Don't Phunk With My Heart" came on, and I really couldn't distinguish it from the intentionally terrible radio pop that they play in the movie "Ghost World".
posted by teem at 5:26 PM on October 17, 2005

"Love Is a Battlefield" - Pat Benatar
"Sugar Walls" - Sheena Easton
"The Ketchup Song" - Las Ketchup
"Tip Drill" - Nelly
posted by dhartung at 6:48 PM on October 17, 2005

What? No "Afternoon Delight"?!
posted by deborah at 6:48 PM on October 17, 2005

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" was by Bonnie Tyler. I could never get past her wandering eye.

"I Need You". Don't know who I heard it by, but it contains some of the worst lyrics I have ever heard.

I need you like a fly needs a plane
I need you like a ball needs a game
I need you like a pool needs a cue
Need you, need you, need you, I need you

"like a pool needs a cue"?

And who ever sang it, they did it in the same mold as Reo Speedwagon.

And speaking of Reo Speedwagon, any song they ever "performed".

"Can't fight this feeling" (to run in any opposite direction). In this and every video they had, they were always staring off to the left with their heads slightly tilted up.

They were so bad and insipid, every car company in the world associated with them has failed. Their evil power predated their conception in the demise of the Reo Automobile company. Oldsmobile (the O in Reo) died a few years ago.

And it spreads. GM reported a $1.6 Billion loss for the 3rd quarter. Will it ever end?

Saw Simply Red, actually Mick Hucknall solo, sing their new song this morning "Perfect Love".

He looked terrible and the song was worse.
posted by notcostello at 6:51 PM on October 17, 2005

Anything by the Association, especially their cover of "Feeeling Groovy"

Anything by Journey, or Foreigner, or Asia.
posted by Good Brain at 10:39 PM on October 17, 2005

Torn Between Two Lovers.
Those Were the Days My Friend.
Billy Don't be a Hero.
Seasons in the Sun.
The Night Chicago Died.
MacArthur Park.
Boy did the seventis suck. And Dolly Parton's version of Stairway to Heaven.
posted by faceonmars at 11:44 PM on October 17, 2005

Pretty much any of that "newer" "Aerosmith" crap. Particularly "Love in an Elevator".

Oh and that "welcome back my friends to the song that never ends" song. Ugh. Blood, Sweat, and Tears.

"I Need Love" by LL Cool J.
posted by hellbient at 3:01 PM on October 18, 2005

Have you read Dave Barry's Book of Bad Songs?
posted by srah at 5:44 AM on October 22, 2005