Bad "romantic" songs?

August 11, 2004 11:28 AM

I'm making a cd of awful "romantic" songs. Please suggest titles in the vein of Bobby Goldsboro's "Honey" and Patrick Swayze's "She's Like The Wind."
posted by Mayor Curley to Media & Arts (72 answers total)

One of the worst songs of all time - Always and Forever.
posted by MsVader at 11:31 AM on August 11, 2004

You can never go wrong with Foreigner (Waiting for a Girl Like You, I Want to Know What Love Is) or Survivor (The Search Is Over).
posted by MsVader at 11:36 AM on August 11, 2004

Forever Young - Rod Stewart

My Heart Will Go On - That Canadian Woman Whose Name Shall Not Be Spoken

Almost Paradise - Heart?
posted by papercake at 11:36 AM on August 11, 2004

"Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.
"When I'm With You" by Sheriff.
"Islands in the Stream" by Dolly Parton and Kenny Rogers.

ps. "She's Like the Wind" was by Dan Hill.
posted by cardboard at 11:37 AM on August 11, 2004

Madonna's "Crazy For You" is terrible too.
posted by MsVader at 11:37 AM on August 11, 2004

"She's Like the Wind" was by Dan Hill.

Yes, but it took Patrick Swayze to take it to such asstacular heights.

I still giggle like a fifteen year-old when I hear it in some grocery store, thinking "She Passes Wind... in my dreeeeeams."
posted by papercake at 11:39 AM on August 11, 2004

"Feelings", by....hmm. Don't know. And "Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town" by....mmmm....Kenny Rogers? Or Charlie Rich. I think they're both the same person. Also, anything by William Shatner or David Hasselhoff.

There are some really god-awful songs here - listen at your own risk.
posted by iconomy at 11:41 AM on August 11, 2004

From the site I linked to above - please do not miss the Anson Williams (from Happy Days) song.....teehee. It's called "I Want To Believe In This One". It's very romantic.
posted by iconomy at 11:44 AM on August 11, 2004

How Deep Is Your Love - Bee Gees
Everything I Do (I Do It For You) - Bryan Adams

(This is fun...)
posted by MsVader at 11:46 AM on August 11, 2004

There can be only one:

"Total Eclipse of the Heart" - Bonnie Tyler

My girlfriend and I do this on karaoke night at the bar and fucking brings the house down.
posted by ChasFile at 11:46 AM on August 11, 2004

My Eyes Adored You--Frankie Valli
Wind Beneath My Wings--Bette Midler
Truly Madly Deeply--Savage Garden?
Sometimes When We Touch--??
Endless Love--Lionel Ritchie
Annie's Song--John Denver (pretty much all of his and lionel ritchie's will work)
posted by amberglow at 11:49 AM on August 11, 2004

Sailing - Christopher Cross
Sometimes When We Touch - Dan Hill
I'd Really Love to see you Tonight - England Dan & John Ford Coley
Baby Come Back - Player
Reminiscing - Little River Band
On and On - Stephen Bishop
Steal Away - Robbie Dupree
You take my Breath Away - Rex Smith
Nothing's Gonna Change my Love for you - Glenn Medieros
posted by FreezBoy at 11:51 AM on August 11, 2004

Sometimes When We Touch (good one!) is apparently by Dan Hill too, amberglow. Did that guy write any good songs?
posted by MsVader at 11:53 AM on August 11, 2004

The entire Air Supply catalogue would suffice nicely. The One That You Love, Lost In Love, I'm All Out Of Love, uh, Smells Like Teen Love, Lick My Love Pump... Sorry.

A lot of Madonna's slower ballads are execrable. Live To Tell stands out.

Any Mac Davis.

OH! You're Having My Baby by Paul Anka. What a lovely way to say how much you love me!
posted by chicobangs at 11:58 AM on August 11, 2004

Just when I believed I couldn't ever want for more.
This ever changing world pushes me through another door.
I saw you smile
And my mind could not erase the beauty of your face
Just for a while,
Won't you let me shelter you.

Hold on to the night
Hold on to the memory
I wish that I could give you something more,
That I could be yours

How do we explain
something that took us by surprise
Promises in vain
Love that is real, but in disguise
What happens now
Do we break another rule, let our lovers play the fool?
I don't know how to stop feeling this way

Hold on to the night
Hold on the memory
If only I could give you more...

Well, I think that I've been true to everybody else but me
And the way I feel about you makes my heart long to be free
Every time I look into your eyes I'm helplessly aware
That the someone I've been searching for is right there

Hold on to the night
Hold on to the memory
I wish that I could give you more....
Hold on to the night

-----------------------------------------------------------
HOLD ON TO THE NIGHT
Richard Marx
posted by Peter H at 12:00 PM on August 11, 2004

Anything by Dan Hill will work. He's just unbearable. Unborn Heart makes me run screaming to the radio to switch the channel.

Evergreen, by Barbra Streisand
Your Love is King, by Sade
Can You Feel the Love Tonight, by Elton John
You're the Inspiration, by Chicago

And I'm sure I'll be able to think up more when I manage to stop giggling.
posted by orange swan at 12:03 PM on August 11, 2004

Two words: I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That).

The Eagles put some oozy slow dreck out there. Lyin' Eyes, New Kid In Town, and of course, though it's not about love specifically, the worst of all, Desperado.

And I've gone on record (self link, sorry) about how I fel about that I Will Go Down With This Ship thing Dido did last year.

Curley, really. Fish. Barrel. Jeezus.
posted by chicobangs at 12:05 PM on August 11, 2004

Wind Beneath My Wings--Bette Midler

This is one of the most debilitating. Upon hearing the song, I instantly begin foaming at the mouth.
posted by the fire you left me at 12:06 PM on August 11, 2004

Ruby, Don't Take Your Love To Town

What?! This is a terrific song. (Though admittedly the Rogers vesion pales in comparison to the Willie Nelson and Roger Miller versions.)

I'd go with Islands in the Stream by whoever it was (dolly parton and kenny rogers?).
posted by dobbs at 12:09 PM on August 11, 2004

Oh, and don't pass up "Gangsta Lean" by DRS. A song of love and loss.
posted by the fire you left me at 12:17 PM on August 11, 2004

Lady In Red by Chris de Burgh is so sappy it always brings a small tear to my eye. Then I have some ice cream and watch She Devil and all is good.
posted by dual_action at 12:18 PM on August 11, 2004

DAN FOGELBERG! DAN FOGELBERG!

Also, Billy and the Beaters. Also, Simply Red.

I have to stop, because now I have diabetes.
posted by Skot at 12:19 PM on August 11, 2004

"I Love You," the Climax Blues Band.

"since then I never looked back/it's almost like living a dream/and ooooooh I love you"
posted by mookieproof at 12:20 PM on August 11, 2004

I Would Do Anything For Love (But I Won't Do That)

What does "that" refer to, and why isn't it covered by "anything"? I must know.
posted by kirkaracha at 12:21 PM on August 11, 2004

I Honestly Love You, by Olivia Newton-John
Dark Horse, by Amanda Marshall
posted by orange swan at 12:22 PM on August 11, 2004

If I
Should stay
I would only be in your way
So I'll go
But I know
I'll think of you every step of
the way

And I...
Will always
Love you, oohh
Will always
Love you
You
My darling you
Mmm-mm

Bittersweet
Memories
That is all I'm taking with me
So good-bye
Please don't cry
We both know I'm not what you
You need

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
You, ooh

(Instrumental/Sax solo)

I hope
life treats you kind
And I hope
you have all you've dreamed of
And I wish you joy
and happiness
But above all this
I wish you love

And I...
Will always love you
I...
Will always love you
*Repeat*

I, I will always love
You....
You
Darling I love you
I'll always
I'll always
Love
You..
Oooh
Ooohhh
-----------------------------------------------------------
I WILL ALWAYS LOVE YOU
Whitney Houston
posted by Peter H at 12:22 PM on August 11, 2004

Lady in Red, by Chris de Burgh.
posted by orange swan at 12:22 PM on August 11, 2004

Um, I sort of like some of these songs. Foreigner! Air Supply! Bonnie Tyler! I have also been known to tear up at the Whitney Houston song -- despite disliking it on principle in my head, some part of me will Always Love It.

I'll offer up Dennis Quaid singing "Closer to You" on "The Big Easy" soundtrack. The soundtrack is excellent zydeco and spiritual music (Saviour, Pass Me Not!) except for that one song, which inspires teeth-grinding pain. Listen here to a sample: Aieee!!!
posted by onlyconnect at 12:29 PM on August 11, 2004

Up Where We Belong, by Jennifer Warnes and Joe Cocker.

where the eagles cryyyy..... on a mountain highhhh.....
[gag]
posted by clever sheep at 12:31 PM on August 11, 2004

Captain of My Heart, by Double
I'll Always Love You, by Taylor Dayne
Tainted Love, by Soft Cell
I Think We're Alone Now, by Tiffany
posted by orange swan at 12:33 PM on August 11, 2004

Macarthur Park. Near-operatic emoting and feverish, hallucinogenic lyrics. A dreck-ola classic.
posted by nikzhowz at 12:34 PM on August 11, 2004

How Am I Supposed to Live Without You, by Micheal Bolton. Actually, almost anything by him will do.

Tonight I Celebrate My Love With You, by Roberta Flack & Peabo Bryson.

Making Love Out of Nothing at All, by Air Supply
posted by orange swan at 12:41 PM on August 11, 2004

Oh, and Babe by Styx. Essential!!!
Babe I love youuuuuu......
posted by clever sheep at 12:43 PM on August 11, 2004

I'd say bail on the CD project, and just get AM Gold. A 10-CD collection of nuggets from the 70s. Whenever I play my copy it makes me laugh, cry and want to slash my wrists.
posted by grateful at 12:45 PM on August 11, 2004

Ooh, ooh, my high school "song" with my boyfriend.

"Can't Fight This Feeling" by REO Speedwagon.

'Cause if I have to crawl upon the floor
Come crashing through your door
Baby, I can’t fight this feeling anymore...

Also, I swear there is a cow mooing in the background of this song at one point.
posted by GaelFC at 12:51 PM on August 11, 2004

I Miss You, Klymaxx
Alone, Heart
Reunited, Peaches & Herb
Secret Lovers, Atlantic Starr
After the Lovin', Englebert Humperdinck
Muskrat Love, Captain and Tennille
posted by initapplette at 1:00 PM on August 11, 2004

Pretty much nothing is quite as bad as Thomas Howard's Silent Hill.

Treacly lyrics? Check. A chorus that goes "oooh, oooh"? Check. A Christmas theme? Ah, therein lies this song's true evil.
posted by vorfeed at 1:01 PM on August 11, 2004

The original version of "I Will Always Love You" by Dolly Parton is rather moderately listenable, actually. She doesn't give it the ridiculous treatment Whitney does, and Dolly is naturally swell. :)

Also:
Wonderful Tonight by Eric Clapton.
posted by livii at 1:07 PM on August 11, 2004

Into the Night, Benny Mardones
You Light Up My Life, Debby Boone
Beautiful in My Eyes, Joshua Kadison
posted by initapplette at 1:08 PM on August 11, 2004

"Afternoon Delight" by the Starland Vocal Band.
posted by briank at 1:11 PM on August 11, 2004

Also, no one has yet mentioned Barry Manilow, e.g., Could It Be Magic? ("Baby I want you now, now, oh now!") or Mandy ("Yesterday's a dream! I face the morning! Crying on the breeze! The pain is calling! Oh Mandy!").
posted by onlyconnect at 1:19 PM on August 11, 2004

I'm never gonna dance again - guilty feet have got no rhythm
posted by O9scar at 1:26 PM on August 11, 2004

Ooh ooh -- "The Pina Colada Song," by Rupert Holmes, which upon Googling I find is actually called "Escape (The Pina Colada Song)". The page I linked even has a MIDI version. (Shudder.) Generations of bad personal ads can trace their heritage directly to this.
posted by lisa g at 1:30 PM on August 11, 2004

"Against All Odds" -- Phil Collins
posted by gyc at 1:34 PM on August 11, 2004

Chalice of Fire by Matt McIrvin, recorded by the Interrobang Cartel.
posted by kenko at 1:34 PM on August 11, 2004

some Doris Day songs might be good too. (Secret Love-- which i actually love)
posted by amberglow at 1:39 PM on August 11, 2004

"Two Minutes To Midnight" - Iron Maiden

oh, wait
posted by swift at 1:44 PM on August 11, 2004

What?! This is a terrific song.

I lived above a honky-tonky bar for 2 years (I have no idea what that is, exactly, but it sounds so cool). The patrons were all rednecks, and they liked their country music, and were partial to that song. Boy howdy, were they ever partial to it. The jukebox was directly below my bedroom closet. There was a hole in the floor of said closet. I heard that friggin' song at least 20 times every night for 2 years straight. I would hear it while I fell asleep and I would hear it when I woke up. I could never think this song was terrific.

Also: Lady In Red, by Chris DeBurgh
posted by iconomy at 1:47 PM on August 11, 2004

FWIW, some of the songs cited herein are actually musically good, even if the sentiments expressed are bearable--tainted love and careless wisper, to name but two.

Then there are the rest, which both musically and lyrically are UNBEARABLE, and nauseating, and are a good reason for banning all music from weddings (just to make sure none of this horrible music is heard).

I know this will not be popular here, but it's appropriate to site the once-talented Howard Stern's (RIP) name for this stuff: HOMO MUSIC.
posted by ParisParamus at 1:48 PM on August 11, 2004

ooops: in the first paragraph: UNBEARABLE.
posted by ParisParamus at 1:49 PM on August 11, 2004

The breathing, the moaning, the sax solo:

"True." by Spandau Ballet.
posted by contessa at 1:51 PM on August 11, 2004

"Unchained Melody" by the Righteous Brothers.

Wait -- he asked for awful songs, not awesome songs. You know, like "You're the Inspiration" by Peter Cetera.

I'd mention "Open Arms" by Journey, but it's not an awful song. Seems like it might fit on your cd, though.
posted by pardonyou? at 2:01 PM on August 11, 2004

Shannon - Henry Gross

Another day is at end
Mama says she's tired again
No one can even begin to tell her
I hardly know what to say
But maybe it's better that way
Is papa were here
I'm sure he'd tell her
Shannon is gone
I hope she's drifting out to sea
She always loved to swim away
Maybe she'll find an island
With a shady tree
Just like the one in our backyard
Mama tried hard to pretend
things would get better again
Somehow she's keeping
It all inside her
But finally the tears fill our eyes
And I know that somewhere tonight
She knows how much we really miss her
posted by mr_crash_davis at 2:24 PM on August 11, 2004

"Girl It's Alright" by Stephen Seagal (he had it streamable from his website recently).

It's a must.
posted by inksyndicate at 2:31 PM on August 11, 2004

Oh, another good (by good, I mean awful) one: "Close to You," by The Carpenters.
posted by pardonyou? at 2:33 PM on August 11, 2004

On the day that you were born
The angels got together
And decided to create a dream come true
So they sprinkled moon dust in your hair of gold
And starlight in your eyes of blue.

That is why all the girls in town
Follow you all around.
Just like me, they long to be
Close to you.
posted by Peter H at 2:47 PM on August 11, 2004

Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Wahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Hahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.
Lahhhhhhhhhhh, close to you.

Close. To.

You.
posted by Peter H at 2:48 PM on August 11, 2004

ooo, we forgot James Taylor and Carly Simon, and that guy that beat Darryl Hannah. ; >
posted by amberglow at 4:10 PM on August 11, 2004

Iconomy - I've just spent half the day downloading songs off that site - thanks so much. My ipod now has a new "hilariously awful" category!
posted by CunningLinguist at 4:12 PM on August 11, 2004

Your Honor, the CD you're trying to put together has already been released commercially. It's called"Fabio After Dark".
posted by alphanerd at 4:37 PM on August 11, 2004

That Fabio After Dark CD is one of the funniest things I've seen in a long time. The Amazon reviews are terrific, too.
posted by nath at 5:15 PM on August 11, 2004

"Daddy, There's a Boy Outside." Don't remember the artist.
posted by yerfatma at 5:42 PM on August 11, 2004

Well seeing as how so many of the songs listed here are in my collection, I turned to that collection. Magic 8 Ball says, "Barry Manilow".

Somewhere Out There, Linda Ronstadt and James Ingram

You Are The Woman, Firefall

And *sniff* anything by Ronnie Milsap
posted by Feisty at 5:43 PM on August 11, 2004

The Commodores Three Times a Lady and not just Babe but anything by Styx
posted by mss at 6:34 PM on August 11, 2004

Parrot eyes / I'm knocking on heaven's door. / Parrot eyes / How could we ask for more? / I swear that I could see forever in your eyes. / Parrot eyes.
posted by onlyconnect at 6:56 PM on August 11, 2004

Without You - Motley Crue
Every Rose Has Its Thorn - Poison
Bed of Roses - Bon Jovi
I Got You Babe - Sonny and Cher
Glory of Love - Peter Cetera
The Last Worthless Evening - Don Henley
How Much I Feel - Ambrosia
Never Gonna Give You Up - Rick Astley
Hooked on a Feeling - ?? (Google says "Blue Swede"?)
When I See You Smile - Bad English
If I Could Turn Back Time - Cher
Hold the Line - Toto
Rush Rush - Paula Abdul

It's like playing "Trapped in the Dentist's Office"! In hell.

(My husband says "Patio Lanterns by Kim Mitchell qualifies. Totally." But that's Canadian, and I don't know what he's talking about.)
posted by Melinika at 9:02 PM on August 11, 2004

Oceans apart day after day
And I slowly go insane
I hear your voice on the line
But it doesn't stop the pain

If I see you next to never
How can we say forever

Wherever you go
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you
Whatever it takes
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here waiting for you

I took for granted, all the times
That I though would last somehow
I hear the laughter, I taste the tears
But I can't get near you now

Oh, can't you see it baby
You've got me goin' crazy

I wonder how we can survive
This romance
But in the end if I'm with you
I'll take the chance

"Right Here Waiting"
Richard Marx
posted by emelenjr at 10:25 PM on August 11, 2004

This song might be the worst song in the world. If it isn't, it's a tribute.
If I were not a teetotaler, I'd sing this in karaoke.

emelenjr, that song scarred a significant portion of my childhood by inspiring my classmates to want to learn it on the piano.
posted by Octaviuz at 1:59 AM on August 12, 2004

"November Rain", Guns n' Roses
"Amazed", Lonestar
(Or, if it was technically a love song--it isn't--their cover of "Walking in Memphis" is even worse. Way to sing that "Reverend Green will be glad to see you/ when you haven't got a prayer" line like you have no idea who Al Green even is)
"To All The Girls I've Loved Before", Willie Nelson & Julio Iglesias
I can't decide whether "Loving You" by Minnie Ripperton belongs on this list or not. It probably would, if it didn't make me think of first The Orb ("A Huge Evergrowing Pulsating Brain..."), and then South Park.
"I Just Called to Say I Love You", Stevie Wonder
That one Aerosmith song. No wait, it's every Aerosmith song post-"Pump" and pre-"Honkin' on Bobo" (did you know they shared a song doctor with Celine Dion?)
posted by arto at 2:52 AM on August 12, 2004

two more 0.01$:

"My Love Is Your Love" - Whitney Houston
"Te quiero tanto, tanto" - Onda Vaselina
posted by AwkwardPause at 3:05 AM on August 12, 2004

"Nothing's gonna change my love for you" by Glenn Medeiros.

Number one in the UK some time in 1987?88? - I should know because I worked in Woolworths at the time and our **** of a manager came up with the rule that we had to play this execrable slush every second record.
There's a special place in hell reserved for Glenn Medeiros. And Woolworths managers.
posted by etc at 3:12 AM on August 12, 2004

From the "80's pillowhumpers" category:

Blame It On The Rain: Milli Vanilli
Always: Atlantic Starr
You're The Inspiration: Chicago
Angel Eyes: Jeff Healy Band
Broken Wings: Mr. Mister
I'm The One Who Wants To Be With You: Mr. Big
Take My Breath Away: Berlin
You're The Voice: John Farnham

(plus Air Supply, REO Speedwagon, Patrick Swayze)
posted by obloquy at 11:39 AM on August 12, 2004