How to make the first "in-law" get-together as pleasant as possible?
December 4, 2013 3:44 PM Subscribe
My fiance's parents are finally meeting my parents and I am vaguely sick with anticipatory worry.
Bear with me, this first part is slightly convoluted: My fiance's dad and stepmom are coming from out of state in a few weeks to visit. Since fiance and I got engaged earlier this year and have finally set a wedding date, both families agreed that this would probably be a good time for the parents to meet. My mom and stepdad agreed to host, since they live here in town. It then occurred to fiance and me that my parents and his OTHER set of parents (his mom and stepdad, who also live here in town) have really not spent anytime together other than a passing "hi-nice-to-meetcha-bye" when he and I moved in together a couple of years ago. There is, ostensibly, no bad blood between his two sets of parents and everyone involved seemed to be OK with getting all three sets of parents together. We also invited fiance's sister and her husband (close in age to us) because they are cool and it would feel weird not having them there (since they have not met my parents either and I really like them).
I am finding myself unreasonably nervous about all this. Everyone involved is wonderful and they are all thrilled about this impending union, so there's that. But they really don't have much in common. Personalities are different (I think), senses of humor are different (I think); there may be one or two hobbies in common. (They also have pretty different political views--his parents: think "Obama bumper sticker"; my parents: think "THANKS OBAMA"--but I am trusting everyone to have the prudence to not even touch on anything inflammatory.) Even though in a way it feels like my worlds are colliding, I actually am secretly excited about bringing those close to us together, and maybe because of that I am just worried it will be the most painfully awkward thing ever. My parents are both quite introverted and I think I am partly nervous on their behalf (though I am probably not giving anyone enough credit). Is there anything I can do in my position to make this a fun, positive experience for everyone? I am so the person that always feels responsible for everyone else's feelings and well-being--for what it's worth, a big reason this scenario is so frighteningly foreign to me is that I never attempt to bring my friends who don't know each other together because my anxiety about making sure everyone is happy and likes each other is so intense that it's not even worth it.
That said, I have clearly already put the onus on myself to steer this ship. So: What can we talk about? How can we get some good conversation going? What are good get-to-know-you facilitators in a situation like this--should we play games? Ideas for fun bonding activities are welcome, as are general tips for navigating this kind of situation, as are attitude adjustments, as are anecdotal horror stories with which I can comfort myself after the fact if it doesn't go as perfectly as I'm demanding it to.
Bear with me, this first part is slightly convoluted: My fiance's dad and stepmom are coming from out of state in a few weeks to visit. Since fiance and I got engaged earlier this year and have finally set a wedding date, both families agreed that this would probably be a good time for the parents to meet. My mom and stepdad agreed to host, since they live here in town. It then occurred to fiance and me that my parents and his OTHER set of parents (his mom and stepdad, who also live here in town) have really not spent anytime together other than a passing "hi-nice-to-meetcha-bye" when he and I moved in together a couple of years ago. There is, ostensibly, no bad blood between his two sets of parents and everyone involved seemed to be OK with getting all three sets of parents together. We also invited fiance's sister and her husband (close in age to us) because they are cool and it would feel weird not having them there (since they have not met my parents either and I really like them).
I am finding myself unreasonably nervous about all this. Everyone involved is wonderful and they are all thrilled about this impending union, so there's that. But they really don't have much in common. Personalities are different (I think), senses of humor are different (I think); there may be one or two hobbies in common. (They also have pretty different political views--his parents: think "Obama bumper sticker"; my parents: think "THANKS OBAMA"--but I am trusting everyone to have the prudence to not even touch on anything inflammatory.) Even though in a way it feels like my worlds are colliding, I actually am secretly excited about bringing those close to us together, and maybe because of that I am just worried it will be the most painfully awkward thing ever. My parents are both quite introverted and I think I am partly nervous on their behalf (though I am probably not giving anyone enough credit). Is there anything I can do in my position to make this a fun, positive experience for everyone? I am so the person that always feels responsible for everyone else's feelings and well-being--for what it's worth, a big reason this scenario is so frighteningly foreign to me is that I never attempt to bring my friends who don't know each other together because my anxiety about making sure everyone is happy and likes each other is so intense that it's not even worth it.
That said, I have clearly already put the onus on myself to steer this ship. So: What can we talk about? How can we get some good conversation going? What are good get-to-know-you facilitators in a situation like this--should we play games? Ideas for fun bonding activities are welcome, as are general tips for navigating this kind of situation, as are attitude adjustments, as are anecdotal horror stories with which I can comfort myself after the fact if it doesn't go as perfectly as I'm demanding it to.
Best answer: I have the worry gene, so I feel you, although dave99 is absolutely correct.
More so you aren't a ball of nerves, could you do something more movement-focused or externally oriented than dinner at your house (can't tell if you've already made the plan?)? I'm thinking something like visiting a Christmas expo, or Festival of Lights, or something like that? So you could walk around and people would naturally be able to talk to different groups of each other (e.g., you could talk to his dad who you haven't met, his stepmom could talk to your mom, etc.), about the things they're looking at, or funny stories about you or your fiance, etc. Especially if sister and husband are coming, it could be more like a fun blended family outing.
Depending on how long the visit is, you could always do this as an ice-breaker activity, and then dinner or something more lengthy and/or formal later on in the week.
posted by stellaluna at 3:58 PM on December 4, 2013
More so you aren't a ball of nerves, could you do something more movement-focused or externally oriented than dinner at your house (can't tell if you've already made the plan?)? I'm thinking something like visiting a Christmas expo, or Festival of Lights, or something like that? So you could walk around and people would naturally be able to talk to different groups of each other (e.g., you could talk to his dad who you haven't met, his stepmom could talk to your mom, etc.), about the things they're looking at, or funny stories about you or your fiance, etc. Especially if sister and husband are coming, it could be more like a fun blended family outing.
Depending on how long the visit is, you could always do this as an ice-breaker activity, and then dinner or something more lengthy and/or formal later on in the week.
posted by stellaluna at 3:58 PM on December 4, 2013
The other thing I would add is that you also have to accept that your parents - as grown, functional adults - might not become best friends with each other. You can expect them to be civil/polite/pleasant, but don't put on them the expectations that they'll magically become best of friends and one big happy family. My in-laws and my parents live in the same town and have a great deal of overlapping background. At some level I guess I had hopes they'd be closer and interact more. They don't. I've accepted that, it's okay - they can be friendly when they see each other, but I've given up on joint Thanksgivings being a thing we are all going to want to do. So, don't go into this with expectations that you can forge amazing bonds - even if that happens over time, it won't happen at the first meeting. Just aim for friendly, polite, and reasonable adult levels of being social (which, as noted above, they should all be able to do based on life experience).
posted by handful of rain at 4:05 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by handful of rain at 4:05 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Everyone involved is wonderful...
Everything is going to be fine. I don't know how much steering is necessary. All you have to do is be the gracious host. Make sure there is plenty of good food or snacks and allow your guests to socialize on their own.
I like the idea of a game or activity but it depends on your guests. Pictionary or Win Lose or Draw with a big easel and a roll of paper is great for groups. There are teams on Pictionary so maybe you could do girls against guys to promote bonding.
posted by Fairchild at 4:05 PM on December 4, 2013
Everything is going to be fine. I don't know how much steering is necessary. All you have to do is be the gracious host. Make sure there is plenty of good food or snacks and allow your guests to socialize on their own.
I like the idea of a game or activity but it depends on your guests. Pictionary or Win Lose or Draw with a big easel and a roll of paper is great for groups. There are teams on Pictionary so maybe you could do girls against guys to promote bonding.
posted by Fairchild at 4:05 PM on December 4, 2013
Breathe deeply, it will be fine.
To take the pressure off, do a simple dinner that is a no brainer. A make-ahead Lasagna is good.
My family and Husbunny's could not be more different, but because they love us, they made the effort.
They haven't seen each other since the wedding, but we're all in different states. If we hosted Christmas, everyone would come and they'd be lovely to each other.
Have a small glass of wine about 30 minutes before the party.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:26 PM on December 4, 2013
To take the pressure off, do a simple dinner that is a no brainer. A make-ahead Lasagna is good.
My family and Husbunny's could not be more different, but because they love us, they made the effort.
They haven't seen each other since the wedding, but we're all in different states. If we hosted Christmas, everyone would come and they'd be lovely to each other.
Have a small glass of wine about 30 minutes before the party.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 4:26 PM on December 4, 2013
Best answer: A couple I'm very good friends with has this exact same set of circumstances, right down to the political divide. Their parents have all met, and it went just fine - there was a little bit of awkwardness at the beginning, but that's just because everyone's a little shy and wants to get along. But just remember that what you have going for you:
1. You love your fiance.
2. Your fiance loves you.
3. Your parents love you.
4. Your fiance's parents love him.
5. All the parents love the fact that you're getting married.
So with that much good will behind this meeting, they are already all invested in having this go well. No guarantees they'll all be best buds from the start, but they all at least want to be nice to each other and want to get along because they all love you, so things will be okay and no one will end up throwing things at each other or anything.
And an amusing story about my friends to give you a giggle - her parents are separated, so it actually took a while for her father to meet his father. They finally invited her father and his girlfriend to join them for a vacation with his parents, sometime in 2011. And that first hour was a little awkward because everyone was still in the "we're trying to be really nice and we're shy" mode.
However, at that exact moment, I was a few thousand miles away outside a stage door in London, getting a playbill signed by David Tennant and actually having a short conversation with him. And I was so excited after that happened that I excitedly texted everyone I knew. And so, at the exact moment that my friends' fathers were awkwardly smiling at each other and everyone was figuring out what to say, suddenly my friends' phones both go off and they all see my "HOLY SHIT DAVID TENNANT JUST SPOKE TO ME" text, and as it turned out, that's what broke the ice finally was everyone having a good laugh about what a fangirl I was being.
So, you could always send me to London to see David Tennant and have him sign a playbill for me again, so I could text you at the moment your folks are meeting, because apparently that helps.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:36 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
1. You love your fiance.
2. Your fiance loves you.
3. Your parents love you.
4. Your fiance's parents love him.
5. All the parents love the fact that you're getting married.
So with that much good will behind this meeting, they are already all invested in having this go well. No guarantees they'll all be best buds from the start, but they all at least want to be nice to each other and want to get along because they all love you, so things will be okay and no one will end up throwing things at each other or anything.
And an amusing story about my friends to give you a giggle - her parents are separated, so it actually took a while for her father to meet his father. They finally invited her father and his girlfriend to join them for a vacation with his parents, sometime in 2011. And that first hour was a little awkward because everyone was still in the "we're trying to be really nice and we're shy" mode.
However, at that exact moment, I was a few thousand miles away outside a stage door in London, getting a playbill signed by David Tennant and actually having a short conversation with him. And I was so excited after that happened that I excitedly texted everyone I knew. And so, at the exact moment that my friends' fathers were awkwardly smiling at each other and everyone was figuring out what to say, suddenly my friends' phones both go off and they all see my "HOLY SHIT DAVID TENNANT JUST SPOKE TO ME" text, and as it turned out, that's what broke the ice finally was everyone having a good laugh about what a fangirl I was being.
So, you could always send me to London to see David Tennant and have him sign a playbill for me again, so I could text you at the moment your folks are meeting, because apparently that helps.
posted by EmpressCallipygos at 4:36 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: There is one really obvious topic conversation - you and your finance. This is a perfect time for parents to trade embarrassing stories about your childhood.
If you want something to do, Apples to Apples is nice game for this kind of mixed crowd.
posted by metahawk at 5:05 PM on December 4, 2013
If you want something to do, Apples to Apples is nice game for this kind of mixed crowd.
posted by metahawk at 5:05 PM on December 4, 2013
Some good advice/reassurance from the other posters! I also think it'll go fine.
My parents and spouse's parents also met for the first time this summer. I share your general anxiety about introducing my friends to each other and had some of the same worries you did about our parents meeting, especially about awkwardness and the more introverted parents. But everything went fine! Like you, we are lucky that they are all great people, and are really happy for us. There were some slightly awkward moments, but if everyone has good intentions, what's a little awkwardness over the span of years?
One thing that I think helped was chatting up each set of parents about the other set of parents ahead of time - especially things that they might have in common, or just find interesting about each other. We didn't do this on purpose, but it did result in spouse and I not having to carry all the weight in starting conversations. Shared hobbies are a good topic! Some other things that our folks discussed: food/recipes, other family members, where/how they grew up, places they'd both been.
posted by fussbudget at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2013
My parents and spouse's parents also met for the first time this summer. I share your general anxiety about introducing my friends to each other and had some of the same worries you did about our parents meeting, especially about awkwardness and the more introverted parents. But everything went fine! Like you, we are lucky that they are all great people, and are really happy for us. There were some slightly awkward moments, but if everyone has good intentions, what's a little awkwardness over the span of years?
One thing that I think helped was chatting up each set of parents about the other set of parents ahead of time - especially things that they might have in common, or just find interesting about each other. We didn't do this on purpose, but it did result in spouse and I not having to carry all the weight in starting conversations. Shared hobbies are a good topic! Some other things that our folks discussed: food/recipes, other family members, where/how they grew up, places they'd both been.
posted by fussbudget at 5:57 PM on December 4, 2013
Additional possible topic: sports / sports teams?
posted by fussbudget at 5:58 PM on December 4, 2013
posted by fussbudget at 5:58 PM on December 4, 2013
There will be ten people there. Ten adults. Of course there will be lots of conversation and of course it will go well because with that many people there will be lots of common ground for them to discuss. You won't need games to prompt conversation. Get the sister on side too. This actually sounds like quite a fun evening to me!
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:45 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by ThatCanadianGirl at 8:45 PM on December 4, 2013 [1 favorite]
I went through this exact scenario over the past year, when our daughter got married. Unless there's a real bomb-thrower in the bunch, everything will be just fine.
On paper, my wife and I haven't much in common with our daughter's in-laws. But, we found enough things (besides our kids) we shared to make for very enjoyable get-togethers. Just be prepared to go with the flow, because you never know what they're going to hit on as something they have in common. You just might discover something new about your own parents!
As for the potential bomb-thrower...Well, if there is one in the group, you'd probably know about it by now.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:23 AM on December 5, 2013
On paper, my wife and I haven't much in common with our daughter's in-laws. But, we found enough things (besides our kids) we shared to make for very enjoyable get-togethers. Just be prepared to go with the flow, because you never know what they're going to hit on as something they have in common. You just might discover something new about your own parents!
As for the potential bomb-thrower...Well, if there is one in the group, you'd probably know about it by now.
posted by Thorzdad at 5:23 AM on December 5, 2013
If all the people there are adults (and I mean that in the sense they act like it not age) then everything will be fine, they love you guys and they will work to find common ground because they love you and/or your partner. If you are nervous about their being a scene, maybe rope your soon to be SIL to act as drama guard, at the first sign of drama or a scene she can step in and steer conversations away. Then you and your partner can not seem to be taking sides which can inflame bad situations, not that I honestly think there will be any.
Having watched my Mother and Mother in Law work super hard to find anything in common when they met for the first time (two more opposite people you can not imagine) I understood what love was. They loved us, so they would be friends if it killed them because family comes first and we were all family now, and funny thing was at the end of my mums visit they were on nice friendly terms and they still occasionally ring each other to catch up do and send each other Christmas presents.
It will go fine.
posted by wwax at 10:18 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Having watched my Mother and Mother in Law work super hard to find anything in common when they met for the first time (two more opposite people you can not imagine) I understood what love was. They loved us, so they would be friends if it killed them because family comes first and we were all family now, and funny thing was at the end of my mums visit they were on nice friendly terms and they still occasionally ring each other to catch up do and send each other Christmas presents.
It will go fine.
posted by wwax at 10:18 AM on December 5, 2013 [1 favorite]
Hey, the good thing is that you have a lot of people who love you. So, if there are any disagreements you can always say good thing you agree on us!
posted by OhSusannah at 3:08 PM on December 7, 2013
posted by OhSusannah at 3:08 PM on December 7, 2013
This thread is closed to new comments.
So don't worry about it, they will find stuff to talk about and you dont need to hand hold them.
posted by dave99 at 3:55 PM on December 4, 2013 [10 favorites]