National Lampoon's European Vacation Moocher
November 25, 2013 9:17 AM Subscribe
What's the age cutoff to expect to be able to tag along with your parents on a vacation?
My father and stepmother are tentatively planning a trip to France sometime next summer. I have never been to France, it would be a dream trip for me, and it looks like I could maybe swing a trip to France around then. I would LOVE to go, and I would especially love to go with my dad and stepmom, who are fun to travel with* and share my tastes in most vacation type things. From what I can tell, my dad and stepmother enjoy my company and also like traveling with me.
However.
I'm a grown ass woman. Am I too old to invite myself along?
The main hitch is that my father makes significantly more money than I do, and has a much cushier travel style than I typically do. They will most likely stay in a hotel or nicer AirBnB type place in Paris, then rent a car and a house in the countryside, from which they'll do a lot of wine tastings and eat in nice restaurants.
If I were funding my own trip, it would be hostels and buses the whole way, with 5-euro bottles of plonk and the occasional falafel.
If I tagged along with them, I would of course pay for my own airfare, pay my own way for things where it makes sense (museum admissions, drinks in bars, some meals, etc), and try to pitch in on things like gas, groceries, and the like. I would probably also plan to take the parental units out to a nice thank you dinner during the trip. I am in no way expecting daddy to send me on a trip to France just because he's going.
But is it presumptuous of me to assume that they'd be cool with me sharing the big ticket items like a rental car, house in the countryside, etc? Alternately, how awkward would it be for me to go and try to either pay more of my own way (for example staying in a hostel in Paris while they get a hotel room) or not opt to do some of the more expensive meals, outings etc? How does this whole "traveling with your parents as an adult" thing work, money wise? Am I just straight up too old to be pulling this shit?
Note: we tend to be more of a "guess style" family.
*Because I live in a major US city and they live in a somewhat rural area, over the past decade or so, they've come to visit me (or to nearby cities/vacation spots) and we've spent a lot of time playing tourist together. I feel like that was on much more even footing, though.
My father and stepmother are tentatively planning a trip to France sometime next summer. I have never been to France, it would be a dream trip for me, and it looks like I could maybe swing a trip to France around then. I would LOVE to go, and I would especially love to go with my dad and stepmom, who are fun to travel with* and share my tastes in most vacation type things. From what I can tell, my dad and stepmother enjoy my company and also like traveling with me.
However.
I'm a grown ass woman. Am I too old to invite myself along?
The main hitch is that my father makes significantly more money than I do, and has a much cushier travel style than I typically do. They will most likely stay in a hotel or nicer AirBnB type place in Paris, then rent a car and a house in the countryside, from which they'll do a lot of wine tastings and eat in nice restaurants.
If I were funding my own trip, it would be hostels and buses the whole way, with 5-euro bottles of plonk and the occasional falafel.
If I tagged along with them, I would of course pay for my own airfare, pay my own way for things where it makes sense (museum admissions, drinks in bars, some meals, etc), and try to pitch in on things like gas, groceries, and the like. I would probably also plan to take the parental units out to a nice thank you dinner during the trip. I am in no way expecting daddy to send me on a trip to France just because he's going.
But is it presumptuous of me to assume that they'd be cool with me sharing the big ticket items like a rental car, house in the countryside, etc? Alternately, how awkward would it be for me to go and try to either pay more of my own way (for example staying in a hostel in Paris while they get a hotel room) or not opt to do some of the more expensive meals, outings etc? How does this whole "traveling with your parents as an adult" thing work, money wise? Am I just straight up too old to be pulling this shit?
Note: we tend to be more of a "guess style" family.
*Because I live in a major US city and they live in a somewhat rural area, over the past decade or so, they've come to visit me (or to nearby cities/vacation spots) and we've spent a lot of time playing tourist together. I feel like that was on much more even footing, though.
I think this depends almost entirely on the specifics of your family, financial and relationship-wise. My own mother would be totally down with this idea (I am 37) but I know a lot of my friends who would feel it was weird and/or inappropriate.
If your gut feeling is that your parents would be okay with it, just ask them. Even though you're a guessing family, you're going to have to bring it up and see what they say.
posted by something something at 9:25 AM on November 25, 2013
If your gut feeling is that your parents would be okay with it, just ask them. Even though you're a guessing family, you're going to have to bring it up and see what they say.
posted by something something at 9:25 AM on November 25, 2013
This really depends on your parents. My parents would be thrilled for me to go along with them on vacation until the end of time, I think. Though there is probably a span of time right after you move out of the house where it'd be best to let them invite you.
posted by empath at 9:25 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by empath at 9:25 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I can be perfectly up front and open with my folks. "France sounds like fun. Is this a romantic, second honeymoon thing, or can I tag along too?"
Since my parents see no value in paying to visit Atlanta, and vice-versa for us to go to Dallas, we often plan trips specifically to get together. My parents are getting older, so they don't have the stamina for lots of running around, etc. So we plan one thing and lunch, they go to the hotel to hang, and then we go off and do whatever. Then we catch up at dinner. It works for us.
But. They do take a couple of "romantic" trips per year together. So if you have a question, ask.
The benefit of traveling with Mom and Dad is that they're good for most of the meals. Although I do insist on springing for a couple in exchange. We still come out ahead.
FWIW, I'm 51.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:26 AM on November 25, 2013 [11 favorites]
Since my parents see no value in paying to visit Atlanta, and vice-versa for us to go to Dallas, we often plan trips specifically to get together. My parents are getting older, so they don't have the stamina for lots of running around, etc. So we plan one thing and lunch, they go to the hotel to hang, and then we go off and do whatever. Then we catch up at dinner. It works for us.
But. They do take a couple of "romantic" trips per year together. So if you have a question, ask.
The benefit of traveling with Mom and Dad is that they're good for most of the meals. Although I do insist on springing for a couple in exchange. We still come out ahead.
FWIW, I'm 51.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 9:26 AM on November 25, 2013 [11 favorites]
Best answer: Hmm. There is nothing wrong with vacationing with the parental units if you're invited. As an adult I don't think you can invite yourself. They may consider this their grand romantic trip to France and may not want you to cramp their style!
posted by cecic at 9:26 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
posted by cecic at 9:26 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I think it probably depends on individual family dynamics, but two things: I'm almost 40, and I would love to travel with my parents, given the chance. Our number of days on this earth are too short to worry about things like this, if you think that all parties would enjoy each others' company. Also, as a father who loves my daughters very much, I don't think I'm ever going to think they are too old to spend time with me. (Although it depends on whether this is a romantic trip for them, and if so, I wouldn't pursue it. If not, the following may apply.)
That being said, I think there is a gracious way to broach the topic on both accounts (namely, the traveling together in the first place, and also how the funding would work out). If it were me, I would probably say something indirect like, "It would be so fun to go to France, I'd do it in a heartbeat" when the topic of their trip comes up. If they are open to traveling together, I suspect that an invitation might naturally present itself. At this point, it would be easy to demur to the fact that you would probably have different standards of living on your travels and that is a concern for you, and you could see what they think about that. If it was my parents and they had the financial means, they would offer to pick up the slack right away, because they are cool like that. At that point, I personally would accept and let them know how much I appreciated it, and would like to express my appreciation in other ways (i.e., dinner, etc.).
My general approach if I were in your shoes, I guess, is what I would want to do as a father for my children, and I would love to have them come along, and also be able to provide for them on some level, to best of my ability. As a parent, few things would bring me more joy, grown adult or not. (If this is a romantic trip with my wife, however, that would change everything.)
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:29 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
That being said, I think there is a gracious way to broach the topic on both accounts (namely, the traveling together in the first place, and also how the funding would work out). If it were me, I would probably say something indirect like, "It would be so fun to go to France, I'd do it in a heartbeat" when the topic of their trip comes up. If they are open to traveling together, I suspect that an invitation might naturally present itself. At this point, it would be easy to demur to the fact that you would probably have different standards of living on your travels and that is a concern for you, and you could see what they think about that. If it was my parents and they had the financial means, they would offer to pick up the slack right away, because they are cool like that. At that point, I personally would accept and let them know how much I appreciated it, and would like to express my appreciation in other ways (i.e., dinner, etc.).
My general approach if I were in your shoes, I guess, is what I would want to do as a father for my children, and I would love to have them come along, and also be able to provide for them on some level, to best of my ability. As a parent, few things would bring me more joy, grown adult or not. (If this is a romantic trip with my wife, however, that would change everything.)
posted by SpacemanStix at 9:29 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: It's also not an all-or-nothing choice. You could hostel part of it, meet them for a few hours/days/weeks, and then split off or head home.
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 9:32 AM on November 25, 2013 [10 favorites]
posted by Mr.Know-it-some at 9:32 AM on November 25, 2013 [10 favorites]
Listen to your gut - you're too 'old' for such a trip (no matter how temptingly easy it is). You want to demonstrate independence as you get older.
posted by Kruger5 at 9:32 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Kruger5 at 9:32 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: I am 43. My parents are in their 70s.
I am going with them to Spain next summer. I speak Spanish, they do not. I will translate for them and help carry their bags - things I would do for them regardless of who is paying.
I will offer to pay for my own food and hotel, but my father will insist that he pays. They want me to come with them. I could fight with my father the whole way about who is paying for what - or, I could be a gracious receiver.
If you are going with them, expecting something, really being a mooch - then it is not cool to mooch off parents as an adult.
But, if you go with them prepared to pay your own way, and your parents pay instead - that is a different thing. A gift given with love is deemed by a petty argument about money - accept their gift with grace.
posted by Flood at 9:34 AM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
I am going with them to Spain next summer. I speak Spanish, they do not. I will translate for them and help carry their bags - things I would do for them regardless of who is paying.
I will offer to pay for my own food and hotel, but my father will insist that he pays. They want me to come with them. I could fight with my father the whole way about who is paying for what - or, I could be a gracious receiver.
If you are going with them, expecting something, really being a mooch - then it is not cool to mooch off parents as an adult.
But, if you go with them prepared to pay your own way, and your parents pay instead - that is a different thing. A gift given with love is deemed by a petty argument about money - accept their gift with grace.
posted by Flood at 9:34 AM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
If they have discussed the trip with you, but haven't invited you...then I would assume that they don't want you to come.
posted by barnoley at 9:39 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by barnoley at 9:39 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Response by poster: I don't think this is a second honeymoon, though it's hard to tell.
FWIW I'm Cajun and grew up in a Francophone culture where "Trip To France" is not necessarily synonymous with some kind of romantic interlude. In fact, usually going to France is more about getting in touch with your roots. The second honeymoon is usually a trip to the Caribbean, Mexico, or Vegas, none of which I'd ever dream of inviting myself along on.
Though of course that doesn't mean they want me along.
posted by Sara C. at 9:40 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
FWIW I'm Cajun and grew up in a Francophone culture where "Trip To France" is not necessarily synonymous with some kind of romantic interlude. In fact, usually going to France is more about getting in touch with your roots. The second honeymoon is usually a trip to the Caribbean, Mexico, or Vegas, none of which I'd ever dream of inviting myself along on.
Though of course that doesn't mean they want me along.
posted by Sara C. at 9:40 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: Maybe there's a compromise where you book you own, less ritzy solo trip to France and/or neighboring countries and plan to intersect with them at one or more points. You could do the hostel/falafel thing on your own but meet up with them to check out the Louvre or what have you.
This would respect the possible kidless setup of their trip, but still get you to France and let you guys enjoy some stuff together as a family.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:42 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
This would respect the possible kidless setup of their trip, but still get you to France and let you guys enjoy some stuff together as a family.
posted by DirtyOldTown at 9:42 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: "France sounds like fun. Is this a romantic, second honeymoon thing, or can I tag along too?"
This sounds like a great way to broach the topic.
posted by phunniemee at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
This sounds like a great way to broach the topic.
posted by phunniemee at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
Is this about going to France with your dad and stepmom, or is this about going to France? Because you can, and should, to make the trip on your own, if what you really want is to visit France.
Only you can tell if you come from a "guess" family or an "ask" family, but if they discussed it with you but didn't invite you, there was a reason. Maybe it was, "We know Sara can't afford it, so let's not make her feel bad by inviting her," but they had a reason. Besides, summer is a terrible time to visit France. I went there for my honeymoon in June and it was a wonderful trip, but spring or fall are so much nicer in a country that doesn't have air conditioning.
posted by wnissen at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013
Only you can tell if you come from a "guess" family or an "ask" family, but if they discussed it with you but didn't invite you, there was a reason. Maybe it was, "We know Sara can't afford it, so let's not make her feel bad by inviting her," but they had a reason. Besides, summer is a terrible time to visit France. I went there for my honeymoon in June and it was a wonderful trip, but spring or fall are so much nicer in a country that doesn't have air conditioning.
posted by wnissen at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013
With all the caveats about each family/individual/couple is different, in my situation if my parents didn't ask me, or hint at having me travel with them I would not ask them if I could come along.
posted by edgeways at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by edgeways at 9:48 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: My folks went to Alaska a few years ago, and yeah, I wouldn't have minded tagging along (I've always wanted to go). But for them I knew it was something they'd wanted to do since early in their marriage, and we're definitely much more Guess (well, I'm Ask, but I didn't grow up that way).
So I said something like "Alaska? Awesome! I've really been wanting to go!" And they never mentioned the possibility of joining, so instead a year later I went with my boyfriend; we stayed in hostels and lower-cost B&Bs, but made sure to ask my folks for recommendations on what to do.
Upside? I don't think they felt pressure to include me on what was a couple trip they've wanted to do for ages. Downside? Maybe they would have been ok or even happy with me coming along for part (they did a cruise, which I'm not into, so maybe it wouldn't have been possible anyhow). I'll never know. Piece of evidence # eleventybillion as to why I'm now Ask even though I was raised Guess.
posted by nat at 9:49 AM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
So I said something like "Alaska? Awesome! I've really been wanting to go!" And they never mentioned the possibility of joining, so instead a year later I went with my boyfriend; we stayed in hostels and lower-cost B&Bs, but made sure to ask my folks for recommendations on what to do.
Upside? I don't think they felt pressure to include me on what was a couple trip they've wanted to do for ages. Downside? Maybe they would have been ok or even happy with me coming along for part (they did a cruise, which I'm not into, so maybe it wouldn't have been possible anyhow). I'll never know. Piece of evidence # eleventybillion as to why I'm now Ask even though I was raised Guess.
posted by nat at 9:49 AM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
I'm a grown ass woman. Am I too old to invite myself along?
I'm not sure age is really relevant. It's the "inviting myself" part I'd have a problem with, at any age. This is purely my own opinion, obviously, but in general I think it's rude to invite yourself to *anything* other people have planned for themselves. It puts people in a really awkward position if they don't want you there. How do they tell you that without hurting your feelings and possibly creating some kind of long-lasting tension? And if they can't think of a way they might feel resentful that you're crashing time they'd rather spend alone.
If I were funding my own trip, it would be hostels and buses the whole way, with 5-euro bottles of plonk and the occasional falafel.
As someone who pretty much had this Parisian experience aged 23 you are underestimating how much fun it can be. I think it would be fun for me to go back in several years and be able to have the fancy-pants version as a self-sufficient middle aged person. But I wouldn't trade the "cheap-hotel-rude-Parisian-doorman-cheap-wine" version I had in a million years. Find a friend who'd like to go, or a single travellers meetup site, and plan your own trip. You'll love it.
posted by billiebee at 10:02 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
I'm not sure age is really relevant. It's the "inviting myself" part I'd have a problem with, at any age. This is purely my own opinion, obviously, but in general I think it's rude to invite yourself to *anything* other people have planned for themselves. It puts people in a really awkward position if they don't want you there. How do they tell you that without hurting your feelings and possibly creating some kind of long-lasting tension? And if they can't think of a way they might feel resentful that you're crashing time they'd rather spend alone.
If I were funding my own trip, it would be hostels and buses the whole way, with 5-euro bottles of plonk and the occasional falafel.
As someone who pretty much had this Parisian experience aged 23 you are underestimating how much fun it can be. I think it would be fun for me to go back in several years and be able to have the fancy-pants version as a self-sufficient middle aged person. But I wouldn't trade the "cheap-hotel-rude-Parisian-doorman-cheap-wine" version I had in a million years. Find a friend who'd like to go, or a single travellers meetup site, and plan your own trip. You'll love it.
posted by billiebee at 10:02 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
I think that if they had wanted you to join them, they would have asked you and planned it as a family trip from the get-go. This is especially true if the trip were just about getting in touch with their roots - they're your roots too, after all.
It honestly sounds to me like you're trying to take advantage of your father's cushier travel style to make your dream trip a little more dreamy. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but as a financially independent adult it's something I personally would never do. If I had the means to plan my own trip as you say you do, I would just do that. I think the question posed above about whether this is about traveling as a family or just finding your way to France is a good one.
To add to other's personal experiences, I would not ask my parents if I could tag along on their travel plans. They have traveled extensively since my siblings and I left the house and it has never occurred to any of us kids to ask if we can go with them - even when they've traveled to our dream destinations.
posted by marshmallow peep at 10:03 AM on November 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
It honestly sounds to me like you're trying to take advantage of your father's cushier travel style to make your dream trip a little more dreamy. I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that, but as a financially independent adult it's something I personally would never do. If I had the means to plan my own trip as you say you do, I would just do that. I think the question posed above about whether this is about traveling as a family or just finding your way to France is a good one.
To add to other's personal experiences, I would not ask my parents if I could tag along on their travel plans. They have traveled extensively since my siblings and I left the house and it has never occurred to any of us kids to ask if we can go with them - even when they've traveled to our dream destinations.
posted by marshmallow peep at 10:03 AM on November 25, 2013 [6 favorites]
I'm 33, and my uncle paid for us to go on vacation two summers ago with the entire family. When I go with my parents/siblings, everyone pays their own way.
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:15 AM on November 25, 2013
posted by roomthreeseventeen at 10:15 AM on November 25, 2013
Best answer: Can you think about a split/joint trip? Be with them for the city parts, for instance, but hostel and rail to Berlin or Lyons or Catalonia while they go to the country-side and become Peter Maille? More of a meetup on vacation, rather than being a tag-a-long.
On the other hand, if you enjoy each others' company, I don't see anything wrong with it. My brothers and I have done similar with our parents a few times, both solo and with our own families.
posted by bonehead at 10:20 AM on November 25, 2013
On the other hand, if you enjoy each others' company, I don't see anything wrong with it. My brothers and I have done similar with our parents a few times, both solo and with our own families.
posted by bonehead at 10:20 AM on November 25, 2013
Response by poster: This is going to be my last reply in the thread, but just to be super clear:
This trip is not yet planned. It's something they are thinking about maybe doing in summer 2014, more than six months from now. It's not like they already booked this trip and are leaving next month and now I'm like "Oh btw I bought my ticket! See you at the hotel!"
This is all in the very early stages, right at the point where it would be appropriate for me to ask about going. Which is why I asked this question. I might be a presumptuous brat, but I'm not a complete shitheel. Christ.
posted by Sara C. at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
This trip is not yet planned. It's something they are thinking about maybe doing in summer 2014, more than six months from now. It's not like they already booked this trip and are leaving next month and now I'm like "Oh btw I bought my ticket! See you at the hotel!"
This is all in the very early stages, right at the point where it would be appropriate for me to ask about going. Which is why I asked this question. I might be a presumptuous brat, but I'm not a complete shitheel. Christ.
posted by Sara C. at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013 [7 favorites]
Best answer: As others have said, you are not too old. For instance I know family where the elderly parents, in their 80s, yearly take adult children and grandchildren on family vacations and pay for nearly all expenses, excepting airfare. It is how they want to spend their money.
However, as others have also noted, the question is about whether you are going to be imposing. Since it's a guess culture family I would just handle it like this on the phone with your dad next time:
OP: Wow, you and stepmother must be having fun planning your trip? I have always wanted to go to France -- it's high up on my wish list, too!
OP's Dad:
a> Yes, mine too, we'll bring you a present!
OR
b> hmmm... let me talk to stepmother.... (invitation ensues; financial details are worked out.)
That's about all you can do.
posted by third rail at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
However, as others have also noted, the question is about whether you are going to be imposing. Since it's a guess culture family I would just handle it like this on the phone with your dad next time:
OP: Wow, you and stepmother must be having fun planning your trip? I have always wanted to go to France -- it's high up on my wish list, too!
OP's Dad:
a> Yes, mine too, we'll bring you a present!
OR
b> hmmm... let me talk to stepmother.... (invitation ensues; financial details are worked out.)
That's about all you can do.
posted by third rail at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I went to CA for the first time with my folks and I was 27. I don't remember how the trip was planned; I think they knew I wanted to see San Francisco from several years back & we came to the decision to take the trip together for pure fun. I'm the youngest of 4, and the only kid who had experiences as friends (like travel) with my parents after I was grown. It's one of my most cherished memories of them, & even more so now that they are both gone. I think I paid my airfare & some of my meals. They sprang for the hotel room.
All that aside, what Ruthless Bunny said.
posted by yoga at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013
All that aside, what Ruthless Bunny said.
posted by yoga at 10:21 AM on November 25, 2013
You want to spend time with your family? You can? They may pay some of it, you may pay some of it? Go for it. Ask them, it sounds like fun and when you can't do this anymore, for whatever reason, you will have those fond memories to remember. Lay it out as you have done above and go and enjoy yourselves.
posted by 0 answers at 10:38 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by 0 answers at 10:38 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Best answer: since you are willing to pay your own way (if if the choices are within your budget), I would start with the general "always wanted to go there" and then, depending on the response say something like "It's always been fun hanging out with you guys. I'm wondering if it would make sense to plan a trip with overlapping itineraries so we could do some sightseeing together?" This sets up the idea that would be making your plane/hotel plans and not be with them for 100% of the time. If they take you up on it, you can start working out the details. Obviously bring it up it if traveling on your own for part of your trip works for you.
By the way, aside from the plane ticket, the biggest expense of adding a third person is the hotel rooms - If I travel with my husband, we can get one room with a big bed. With a child, we either share a room with two smaller beds (crowded room, crowded bed) or pay for a second room. Even renting a house/ apartment, a studio or one bedroom would work for a couple, they would probably want a larger place with you along.
posted by metahawk at 10:38 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
By the way, aside from the plane ticket, the biggest expense of adding a third person is the hotel rooms - If I travel with my husband, we can get one room with a big bed. With a child, we either share a room with two smaller beds (crowded room, crowded bed) or pay for a second room. Even renting a house/ apartment, a studio or one bedroom would work for a couple, they would probably want a larger place with you along.
posted by metahawk at 10:38 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
Am I too old to invite myself along?
Is there ever an appropriate age for anyone to invite one's self to anything? I do not think so. While I do not know your parents, I am confident if they wished for you to join, you would know. You should wait to take your dream trip when it is *your* dream trip.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:40 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Is there ever an appropriate age for anyone to invite one's self to anything? I do not think so. While I do not know your parents, I am confident if they wished for you to join, you would know. You should wait to take your dream trip when it is *your* dream trip.
posted by Tanizaki at 10:40 AM on November 25, 2013 [4 favorites]
Best answer: I'm 32 and I travel with my mother/parents sometimes. We split everything down the middle. However when I was younger and poorer, we would also travel together, however back then I told my mother my budget and she could either agree to stay in low-cost places where we'd split costs equally, or I'd give her my budgeted share for hotel rooms and she would pay the rest (in rare scenarios where she wanted to stay somewhere special.)
The way it usually happens these days is one of us will be thinking of traveling somewhere and the other one will say "that sounds awesome-- if you want company for that trip, let me know." That way you're not inviting yourself, you're just expressing interest. There have been times she's said "this is just for Dad and I" and there have been times where I've told her "this is just for my husband and I." Likewise there have been times we've said "Yes! Come." And then we negotiate places, times, costs, etc in advance.
My one big note is that you should not ask to come along in front of both of them, because they might have differing opinions. Send a casual email inquiry to both, so your parents can discuss between themselves and decide what their answer is. That way you're not springing it on them, and having one parent feel pressured in the moment to acquiesce.
Also be clear in the email what you'd be able to pay for/that you might have to stay in separate, cheaper lodgings, etc. If they then offer to cover your costs-- great. But if they do invite you, be prepared to stay in different hotels or eat the cheapest items on the menus, or not accompany them on the expensive tours, etc, if they don't offer to cover your costs.
posted by np312 at 10:53 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
The way it usually happens these days is one of us will be thinking of traveling somewhere and the other one will say "that sounds awesome-- if you want company for that trip, let me know." That way you're not inviting yourself, you're just expressing interest. There have been times she's said "this is just for Dad and I" and there have been times where I've told her "this is just for my husband and I." Likewise there have been times we've said "Yes! Come." And then we negotiate places, times, costs, etc in advance.
My one big note is that you should not ask to come along in front of both of them, because they might have differing opinions. Send a casual email inquiry to both, so your parents can discuss between themselves and decide what their answer is. That way you're not springing it on them, and having one parent feel pressured in the moment to acquiesce.
Also be clear in the email what you'd be able to pay for/that you might have to stay in separate, cheaper lodgings, etc. If they then offer to cover your costs-- great. But if they do invite you, be prepared to stay in different hotels or eat the cheapest items on the menus, or not accompany them on the expensive tours, etc, if they don't offer to cover your costs.
posted by np312 at 10:53 AM on November 25, 2013 [3 favorites]
I know plenty of grown up, employed people who get brought along with well-off parents but it was usually at the parents instigation. If you are asking: should I feel bad if this happens I say no. If you were my friend or colleague and you told me your parents were bringing you to Paris I would say Sweet! Don't forget to get a hot chocolate at Cafe Angelina for me.
You know best, but I would try "That is my dream trip, I would love to tag along but I can't swing it." He lets the subject drop or insists that you come and you have your answer. Your dad might no ask you because he wouldn't think you would want to go.
Of course my mom more or less showed up in Hawaii on us but that is another story
posted by shothotbot at 11:02 AM on November 25, 2013
You know best, but I would try "That is my dream trip, I would love to tag along but I can't swing it." He lets the subject drop or insists that you come and you have your answer. Your dad might no ask you because he wouldn't think you would want to go.
Of course my mom more or less showed up in Hawaii on us but that is another story
posted by shothotbot at 11:02 AM on November 25, 2013
If you are in a position to travel with a friend who is game, you might consider planning a concurrent trip to France, more aligned with your budget and your whims, and suggesting that you meet up in a few places with your folks by considering your itineraries together. This gives you your dream vacation, them their own independent vacation, and the joy of meeting up in a foreign city to swap stories of your adventures along the way. Your father is still likely to pick up the tab on the nicer meals or the admission to whatever attraction you may hit up together, but gives you both some independence.
posted by juniperesque at 11:38 AM on November 25, 2013
posted by juniperesque at 11:38 AM on November 25, 2013
I don't think my parents would have been anything but happy if I invited myself on a trip they were taking. I know my cousins go with their parents on vacations all the time (either taking their parents with them or tagging along) and there are no issues. We are all Indian/Pakistani however and so have different expectations as far as these things are concerned.
If this doesn't seem appropriate for your culture then the concurrent vacation sounds like a great solution as well.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:26 PM on November 25, 2013
If this doesn't seem appropriate for your culture then the concurrent vacation sounds like a great solution as well.
posted by any portmanteau in a storm at 12:26 PM on November 25, 2013
While I do not know your parents, I am confident if they wished for you to join, you would know.
I wouldn't be so confident about this! I'd have no problem at all if one of my grown kids asked me if they could come along on a vacation. And I'd be delighted that they wanted to, even if the answer were "no" or "not this time, but let's plan for another one!" It might not have occurred to me to invite them, but that wouldn't mean they would necessarily be unwelcome. I am also sure they'd be fine if it wasn't going to work out. I don't think the internet can answer this question. There are too many differences in how people handle money, privacy, asking vs. guessing, family relationships, and everything else.
posted by Wordwoman at 12:35 PM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
I wouldn't be so confident about this! I'd have no problem at all if one of my grown kids asked me if they could come along on a vacation. And I'd be delighted that they wanted to, even if the answer were "no" or "not this time, but let's plan for another one!" It might not have occurred to me to invite them, but that wouldn't mean they would necessarily be unwelcome. I am also sure they'd be fine if it wasn't going to work out. I don't think the internet can answer this question. There are too many differences in how people handle money, privacy, asking vs. guessing, family relationships, and everything else.
posted by Wordwoman at 12:35 PM on November 25, 2013 [2 favorites]
Can you maybe state the possibility of having a parallel trip to France and saying you want to join them for some days? They might ask you to come along for the whole thing and so you know you're welcome. And if they say "sure, you can hang out a couple if days with us" it might be your clue that they maybe want to the the couple thing.
posted by CrazyLemonade at 1:58 PM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by CrazyLemonade at 1:58 PM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
I think much of this depends on the culture of the family. In my family, you could invite yourself and also everyone would pay for everything themselves [and also there would be a ton of resentment over various perceived slights and in-fighting and the whole trip would suck, why would anyone ever want to do such a thing?!]. In my husband's family, we've been invited on, and had paid for us, several big family vacations; his father considers it a point of pride that he can pay for his kids to take trips, and has stated the expectation that some day, we'll pay it forward to our own grown children. It's also the sort of family where the male members all fight for the check at big expensive group dinners, with the oldest person there always, inevitably "winning." They are super duper guess culture, for what it's worth, whereas my family is all surfacey, pushy ask.
But I do think that, in a guess culture family, outright inviting yourself would be in poor form. The next time the vacation comes up, I might say something like, "Oh, France! I've always wanted to go. If you ever want to plan a trip together, let me know, okay, dad?" That puts the ball in your dad's court to invite you, to offer to take you on a separate trip, or to say, "Sure! When are you free and what would your budget look like?"
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:37 PM on November 25, 2013
But I do think that, in a guess culture family, outright inviting yourself would be in poor form. The next time the vacation comes up, I might say something like, "Oh, France! I've always wanted to go. If you ever want to plan a trip together, let me know, okay, dad?" That puts the ball in your dad's court to invite you, to offer to take you on a separate trip, or to say, "Sure! When are you free and what would your budget look like?"
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 5:37 PM on November 25, 2013
I come from a very guess family. If I ever found myself in some alternate universe where I wanted to vacation with my parents, I'd bring it up this way: "Talking about your plans to visit France got me thinking about my own travel ideas. France is somewhere I've always wanted to go and I like spending time with you guys. What do you think about the three of us planning a trip to France together? Of course, I totally understand if this is something the two of your want to do as a couple." This puts you on more even footing than asking to tag along.
posted by atropos at 10:17 PM on November 26, 2013
posted by atropos at 10:17 PM on November 26, 2013
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Are you too old to add yourself to another couple's possibly-romantically-intended trip to France? Yes.
You can feel free to drop a hint or two and see if they invite you, but honestly, as a super-asker, even I wouldn't ask in this situation. Traveling as a couple vs. traveling as a couple +1 -- even if it's your daughter -- is very different, and forget the money, you're asking them to change the whole tenor of their trip.
posted by brainmouse at 9:25 AM on November 25, 2013 [23 favorites]