No more drama, plz
November 24, 2013 7:29 PM Subscribe
How can I handle this situation with a minimum of fuss and hurt feelings?
Hello, dear Metafilter.
After three years in a very serious relationship, the last of which was unfortunately rather tough, I am now single. After nearly ten years (yes, you read that right) of serial monogamy, I am determined to take a break from dating. Over the last couple of years, I have been grappling with physical injuries and some intense depression, and I am definitely on an upswing on both fronts. But my plan is really to try to just step back and take care of myself while I recover emotionally, and so far it seems to be working. It feels good.
A couple of months after my breakup, a friend surprised me out of the blue by asking me out on a date. He is rather quiet and soft spoken, so it really caught me totally off guard. I basically stammered out that I didn't feel ready to date anyone and that I was really not in a good place to begin anything. It was awkward but he was perfectly understanding.
A few more months have passed and this guy and I are sort of slowly, gradually growing closer. I'm finding out a lot more about him and he's pretty neat. We've been exchanging emails and kind of hanging out more casually and I am, to my own surprise, having a tiny bit of a crush grow. It's definitely starting to feel a little more than friendly between us. He has not brought up dating again - probably I would need to make a move of my own if that's what I decide. But I am thinking about him a lot.
Complications: This guy and I are involved in an organization together and we see each other a lot. I don't want things to get even MORE awkward if things go badly. This guy also used to very seriously date a close friend of mine - quite a long time ago (we just inhabit a kind of small incestuous circle), but still. It feels potentially very icky.
Finally, of course, I am really really enjoying being single and regaining my footing as an individual. I definitely don't feel ready for seriousness of any kind. There are just so many potentials for all this to implode and cause MORE drama right when I am finally minimizing the complications in all aspects of my life.
Metafilter, is there any way to explore my feelings for this person with a minimum of drama? Would going on one date at some point be a completely terrible idea? Or should I just quash that impulse entirely? I really really would love to get to know this person better but I don't want to make my life more complicated, nor do I want to lead him on or hurt his feelings any more than I might have already.
Thanks, y'all.
Hello, dear Metafilter.
After three years in a very serious relationship, the last of which was unfortunately rather tough, I am now single. After nearly ten years (yes, you read that right) of serial monogamy, I am determined to take a break from dating. Over the last couple of years, I have been grappling with physical injuries and some intense depression, and I am definitely on an upswing on both fronts. But my plan is really to try to just step back and take care of myself while I recover emotionally, and so far it seems to be working. It feels good.
A couple of months after my breakup, a friend surprised me out of the blue by asking me out on a date. He is rather quiet and soft spoken, so it really caught me totally off guard. I basically stammered out that I didn't feel ready to date anyone and that I was really not in a good place to begin anything. It was awkward but he was perfectly understanding.
A few more months have passed and this guy and I are sort of slowly, gradually growing closer. I'm finding out a lot more about him and he's pretty neat. We've been exchanging emails and kind of hanging out more casually and I am, to my own surprise, having a tiny bit of a crush grow. It's definitely starting to feel a little more than friendly between us. He has not brought up dating again - probably I would need to make a move of my own if that's what I decide. But I am thinking about him a lot.
Complications: This guy and I are involved in an organization together and we see each other a lot. I don't want things to get even MORE awkward if things go badly. This guy also used to very seriously date a close friend of mine - quite a long time ago (we just inhabit a kind of small incestuous circle), but still. It feels potentially very icky.
Finally, of course, I am really really enjoying being single and regaining my footing as an individual. I definitely don't feel ready for seriousness of any kind. There are just so many potentials for all this to implode and cause MORE drama right when I am finally minimizing the complications in all aspects of my life.
Metafilter, is there any way to explore my feelings for this person with a minimum of drama? Would going on one date at some point be a completely terrible idea? Or should I just quash that impulse entirely? I really really would love to get to know this person better but I don't want to make my life more complicated, nor do I want to lead him on or hurt his feelings any more than I might have already.
Thanks, y'all.
I'm not sure exactly what answer you're hoping for, here. You obviously want to date this dude, and lots of people date like this and it goes very well indeed. Many people date like this and it goes very badly, too.
It sounds a little like you're looking for reassurance, but our reassurance is not worth very much: we don't know you, this dude, his ex, your group that you are both involved with, or your circle of friends. No one here can make this call.
You can make the call, though. So trust yourself and your instincts. When I was a young, indecisive lad, I used to flip a coin; heads = yes, tails = no. I never abided by the outcome of the flip - that wasn't the point - the point was an immediate feeling of satisfaction or disappointment depending on how it landed. That feeling couldn't be faked, and was useful in sorting out how I really felt about something, outside of any anxieties, ego-protection, or fears I was holding. My need for the coin steadily dissolved as I got older, more aware of myself, confident that I could discern if a desire was appropriate and ethical, and sure of my ability to grapple with any challenges in an appropriate way, or recover if things did not go the way I wanted.
Perhaps this question is your equivalent of the coin. If it is, I say excelsior!
posted by smoke at 7:45 PM on November 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
It sounds a little like you're looking for reassurance, but our reassurance is not worth very much: we don't know you, this dude, his ex, your group that you are both involved with, or your circle of friends. No one here can make this call.
You can make the call, though. So trust yourself and your instincts. When I was a young, indecisive lad, I used to flip a coin; heads = yes, tails = no. I never abided by the outcome of the flip - that wasn't the point - the point was an immediate feeling of satisfaction or disappointment depending on how it landed. That feeling couldn't be faked, and was useful in sorting out how I really felt about something, outside of any anxieties, ego-protection, or fears I was holding. My need for the coin steadily dissolved as I got older, more aware of myself, confident that I could discern if a desire was appropriate and ethical, and sure of my ability to grapple with any challenges in an appropriate way, or recover if things did not go the way I wanted.
Perhaps this question is your equivalent of the coin. If it is, I say excelsior!
posted by smoke at 7:45 PM on November 24, 2013 [16 favorites]
i think if you choose to quash the impulse you may later feel regret for not exploring this option. yeah there will be drama but ... that's part of life. if you will be truly happy being alone then blow him off. but if it is your intention to find someone in which to spend the rest of your life you might as well figure out if you found him already.
posted by lester's sock puppet at 7:46 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by lester's sock puppet at 7:46 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
You seem to want a guarantee that things will go well, which clearly we can't give. Basically you need to weigh up your disappointment in say, not doing anything and finding out later that he's now head over heels for someone else against actually going for it and having it end awkwardly whilst still having to see him socially. Or of course, it could go spectacularly and you could die in each other's arms with 25 grandkids. Who knows. But if it's all about minimising risk and disappointment, what will you regret most, drama, or doing nothing and missing an opportunity for love?
From my point of view (and I know others feel differently) when you're young, there is a feeling that if one relationship doesn't work out, there is another one just around the corner. But things seem to change as you get older. Hitting it off with someone you think you could build a relationship with is not something that happens every day, unless you are of a personality type that many others gravitate towards and you in turn find many types attractive. But, generally, the opportunity for real love, well, most people only come across it a handful of times in their life.
What I'm saying is that if you think you could have this, you'd be crazy not to see where it could go. Is it risky, sure, but isn't that part of what makes it amazing? Without risk you're only living half a life anyway.
posted by Jubey at 8:02 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
From my point of view (and I know others feel differently) when you're young, there is a feeling that if one relationship doesn't work out, there is another one just around the corner. But things seem to change as you get older. Hitting it off with someone you think you could build a relationship with is not something that happens every day, unless you are of a personality type that many others gravitate towards and you in turn find many types attractive. But, generally, the opportunity for real love, well, most people only come across it a handful of times in their life.
What I'm saying is that if you think you could have this, you'd be crazy not to see where it could go. Is it risky, sure, but isn't that part of what makes it amazing? Without risk you're only living half a life anyway.
posted by Jubey at 8:02 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do you mean a long time ago like high school or a long time ago like last summer? If high school, go for it, if last summer, back off.
It sounds like you may benefit from a conversation with your close friend, too. If the social circle is small and the friend is a close one, she's probably noticed that you're hanging out with her ex a lot. I'd say sound her out with a casual conversation about how neat he is at whatever it is your organization does. Consider whether they're still in touch, if they've moved on, and so forth. It may lessen the ick factor substantially, or it may give you the decisive answer you're seeking.
posted by mibo at 8:05 PM on November 24, 2013
It sounds like you may benefit from a conversation with your close friend, too. If the social circle is small and the friend is a close one, she's probably noticed that you're hanging out with her ex a lot. I'd say sound her out with a casual conversation about how neat he is at whatever it is your organization does. Consider whether they're still in touch, if they've moved on, and so forth. It may lessen the ick factor substantially, or it may give you the decisive answer you're seeking.
posted by mibo at 8:05 PM on November 24, 2013
I really really would love to get to know this person better but I don't want to make my life more complicated, nor do I want to lead him on or hurt his feelings any more than I might have already.
Don't go on a date, just remain friends and continue hanging out. You say you want X, but this guy is making you think about Z. But you really want X! But there's this guy, who's inadvertly messing with your plans!
Gonna pause here and note that the only drama going on is in your head as you struggle to stay on this path you've chosen. No biggie, just be aware of that.
Finally, don't ignore a good thing just 'cause it doesn't fit the plan.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:06 PM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Don't go on a date, just remain friends and continue hanging out. You say you want X, but this guy is making you think about Z. But you really want X! But there's this guy, who's inadvertly messing with your plans!
Gonna pause here and note that the only drama going on is in your head as you struggle to stay on this path you've chosen. No biggie, just be aware of that.
Finally, don't ignore a good thing just 'cause it doesn't fit the plan.
posted by Brandon Blatcher at 8:06 PM on November 24, 2013 [3 favorites]
Take every chance you get to be happy.
Corollary to that, you will regret the things you didn't do much more than the things you did do.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Corollary to that, you will regret the things you didn't do much more than the things you did do.
posted by Etrigan at 8:20 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
I must be missing something because I don't see a "situation" here that needs handling. You said you weren't ready to date yet, you aren't dating this person, and no one is leading any one on.
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten is, when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Why is that not an option?
posted by sm1tten at 8:21 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
One of the best pieces of advice I've ever gotten is, when you don't know what to do, do nothing. Why is that not an option?
posted by sm1tten at 8:21 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
Response by poster: -Just quickly clarifying - my friend dated this guy about five years ago, but they were pretty serious (like each other's first loves, I think) and it took them both a long long time to move on. When he was the first to date someone new, she got really really upset, so much so that I worried about her at the time.
Now, she is with a wonderful person herself and has 100% moved on, but they are still very friendly.
Carry on.
posted by bookgirl18 at 8:24 PM on November 24, 2013
Now, she is with a wonderful person herself and has 100% moved on, but they are still very friendly.
Carry on.
posted by bookgirl18 at 8:24 PM on November 24, 2013
From what you've written here, it sounds like both of you are mature, sensible individuals, capable of handling awkward situations gracefully. With that in mind, even if you did date and it did end badly, there's no reason to think that any fallout would be especially messy.
It sounds like you genuinely like this guy, and you know that he at least liked you once before (and, when you turned him down, was very understanding about it). These are all good signs! Going on a single date is not a lifetime commitment, and it sounds like this guy would be amenable to moving slowly, if you tell him you don't want to rush into a relationship. Why not ask him out? I bet you'd regret it if he found someone else to date while you were still pondering your options.
Moreover, it sounds like it's been around 5-6 months since your breakup. These things vary, of course, but that's a perfectly respectable length of time to remain single between relationships, and it doesn't sound like this would be any kind of rebound case.
posted by littlegreen at 9:43 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
It sounds like you genuinely like this guy, and you know that he at least liked you once before (and, when you turned him down, was very understanding about it). These are all good signs! Going on a single date is not a lifetime commitment, and it sounds like this guy would be amenable to moving slowly, if you tell him you don't want to rush into a relationship. Why not ask him out? I bet you'd regret it if he found someone else to date while you were still pondering your options.
Moreover, it sounds like it's been around 5-6 months since your breakup. These things vary, of course, but that's a perfectly respectable length of time to remain single between relationships, and it doesn't sound like this would be any kind of rebound case.
posted by littlegreen at 9:43 PM on November 24, 2013 [1 favorite]
Do you like him enough that he's worth some drama to be with? If yes, do it. If no, don't do it. That's really all there is to it; the best things in life seldom come without effort, and given your situation you're going to have to put in some effort (ie deal with potential drama) to see if it'll work out. If it's not a risk you're willing to take, then you simply don't like him enough to take that risk, so let it lie and if your situation changes in the future, perhaps you'll want to at that later date.
posted by davejay at 9:53 PM on November 24, 2013
posted by davejay at 9:53 PM on November 24, 2013
At 51, I still use something like smoke's coin flip method for every should-I/shouldn't-I decision that's worried me for more than a few days. I justify this on the grounds that (a) I don't like to be worried by decisions for more than a few days (b) if I haven't already figured it out in a few days, there's probably no compelling reason to prefer one choice over the other and a random choice will therefore be as sound as any.
The process goes
1. Commit to following up on whatever decision results from this.
2. Decide which choice will be heads and which will be tails.
3. Flip the coin.
4. If I feel immediate dismay at the result, choose the other one.
5. Act. Going back to step 4 is not allowed.
For what it's worth this process started a 17 year relationship for me, the last 12 years of which have been a happy marriage.
posted by flabdablet at 10:39 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
The process goes
1. Commit to following up on whatever decision results from this.
2. Decide which choice will be heads and which will be tails.
3. Flip the coin.
4. If I feel immediate dismay at the result, choose the other one.
5. Act. Going back to step 4 is not allowed.
For what it's worth this process started a 17 year relationship for me, the last 12 years of which have been a happy marriage.
posted by flabdablet at 10:39 PM on November 24, 2013 [2 favorites]
You could actually get to know him better while not jumping into a full-on serious relationship. You say you've been hanging out with him more anyway and learning more about him. Why not continue? Do you have to decide now? That being said, a date or two is also not jumping into a full-on serious relationship.
I do think you should mention your growing interest to your friend, the one who used to go out with him. Even if she is with someone else now, I think she'd appreciate a heads-up. If you do wind up in a relationship with him, she'll have the advantage of not being completely surprised by the fact.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:11 PM on November 24, 2013
I do think you should mention your growing interest to your friend, the one who used to go out with him. Even if she is with someone else now, I think she'd appreciate a heads-up. If you do wind up in a relationship with him, she'll have the advantage of not being completely surprised by the fact.
posted by Athanassiel at 11:11 PM on November 24, 2013
No need to confess to feelings or anything, just hang out more, see movies together and grab meals.
You don't have to decide to date him, until you are 100% ready to do so. So for now, enjoy his company just as you are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:53 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
You don't have to decide to date him, until you are 100% ready to do so. So for now, enjoy his company just as you are.
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 5:53 AM on November 25, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by oceanjesse at 7:44 PM on November 24, 2013