When is it imperative to out yourself to someone who hits on you?
October 11, 2013 9:08 PM Subscribe
I'm lesbian. My tennis instructor hits on me. I really respect him/think he's a cool guy/want us to be friends. What do I do?
I've taken [insert a sport] lessons a few times a week for about 4 months or so. I love my instructor - he's a great guy and we get on super well. I would totally love for him to be a friend - he has a great perspective on life, he's interesting to talk to, he's funny, etc. I actually really look up to him.
The problem is that I'm gay. He's hit on me a few times but in a very playful, non-serious way, which I think is just easy to deflect.
But I'm starting to wonder if I really should drop a hint. Like is it just unethical for me to pretend I'm not interested, but still seem interested because I look straight and I'm pretty friendly toward him? Am I sending really mixed signals here?
Also, I DO have bigger problems than this in my life but for some reason this whole thing is stressing me out. Thanks.
I've taken [insert a sport] lessons a few times a week for about 4 months or so. I love my instructor - he's a great guy and we get on super well. I would totally love for him to be a friend - he has a great perspective on life, he's interesting to talk to, he's funny, etc. I actually really look up to him.
The problem is that I'm gay. He's hit on me a few times but in a very playful, non-serious way, which I think is just easy to deflect.
But I'm starting to wonder if I really should drop a hint. Like is it just unethical for me to pretend I'm not interested, but still seem interested because I look straight and I'm pretty friendly toward him? Am I sending really mixed signals here?
Also, I DO have bigger problems than this in my life but for some reason this whole thing is stressing me out. Thanks.
Offhandedly mention a girlfriend/ex girlfriend.
posted by mollymayhem at 9:11 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
posted by mollymayhem at 9:11 PM on October 11, 2013 [5 favorites]
Response by poster: Honestly, I've tried that with other people and they just think it means "ex friend" or friend
posted by thelivingsea at 9:12 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
posted by thelivingsea at 9:12 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]
Anyone who isn't being a butthead will get what you mean. Honestly, that just sounds like a case of someone being willfully "ignorant" and ignoring a social cue they'd instantly accept at face value if they weren't flirting with. Doesn't super address your question, to which the response needs to be pretty directly "no uh, I'm gay" with those types of people... But yea, a lot of guys refuse to take the hint they clearly saw in that situation until it's really shoved in their face.
posted by emptythought at 9:16 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
posted by emptythought at 9:16 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
He might just be a big flirt. Assuming you're not flirting back, you're not ethically obligated to say anything unless he actually asks you out and then just a "Sorry, not my type" is sufficient.
posted by Jacqueline at 9:18 PM on October 11, 2013 [13 favorites]
posted by Jacqueline at 9:18 PM on October 11, 2013 [13 favorites]
Please tell him directly that you're gay. Invite him to coffee or something, and tell him face to face. I'm het female, and I had a huge crush on a gay guy. He told me that he's gay and my heart fell, but we remained close. When you tell your friend, he knows that you're honest, and he knows that your lack of romantic interest isn't about him. If your experience is like mine, ultimately it'll strengthen the friendship.
posted by melesana at 9:18 PM on October 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
posted by melesana at 9:18 PM on October 11, 2013 [9 favorites]
I think it's completely acceptable in this situation to say 'hey I think you're totally the shit, bit just so you know, I like the ladieez'. Casual off-the-cuff humor is the best option in this situation, methinks.
posted by greta simone at 9:20 PM on October 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
posted by greta simone at 9:20 PM on October 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
Looking straight and being friendly, taken alone, should never be equated with automatic sexual interest--if it does, I think he has entitlement issues to work through.
If you're comfortable, I'd just tell him the truth. Side bonus: maybe you challenge his assumptions about what being gay looks like (which you may or may not be interested in--as an invisible femme, I like to do this, personally).
posted by sugarbomb at 9:23 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
If you're comfortable, I'd just tell him the truth. Side bonus: maybe you challenge his assumptions about what being gay looks like (which you may or may not be interested in--as an invisible femme, I like to do this, personally).
posted by sugarbomb at 9:23 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
Is it possible to say "I'm not that into you, please stop hitting on me"?
At the very basic level, you're not into him. Why does he need to know anything more than that?
posted by Annika Cicada at 9:25 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
At the very basic level, you're not into him. Why does he need to know anything more than that?
posted by Annika Cicada at 9:25 PM on October 11, 2013 [6 favorites]
If I was into the peen, I'd pick you.
posted by 26.2 at 9:35 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by 26.2 at 9:35 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: Yeah, I guess a well-timed off-the-cuff remark would be best. I think what's worrying me is just the thought that he might be trying to reel me in so to speak - like the friendliness, building closeness thing is part of the game. For the most part it doesn't come off as serious, but lately, it has seemed more intense. This coupled with the fact that the lessons aren't private + I hate outing myself makes it more complicated.
posted by thelivingsea at 9:45 PM on October 11, 2013
posted by thelivingsea at 9:45 PM on October 11, 2013
You do not have to out yourself to him in order to get him to stop hitting on you. You can if you want, and that ought to work, but so should any "not feeling it" vibe. If he's being playful-flirty, that indicates that he's ready to back off if you imply that he should. You have no obligation to tell him why, nor will rebuffing him ruin your friendship if he is remotely an adult. Rebuff him kindly but firmly, then graciously let him joke his way out of losing face, then play some tennis.
But the important thing here is that your orientation doesn't have any bearing on the situation. He's hitting on you, you're not interested, that's all that matters. Act accordingly, in whatever way suits you. If he turns out to be a jerk, well, most Western countries are not lacking for private tennis instructors.
posted by Errant at 9:48 PM on October 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
But the important thing here is that your orientation doesn't have any bearing on the situation. He's hitting on you, you're not interested, that's all that matters. Act accordingly, in whatever way suits you. If he turns out to be a jerk, well, most Western countries are not lacking for private tennis instructors.
posted by Errant at 9:48 PM on October 11, 2013 [14 favorites]
On non-preview, I can totally see a thought process of, "test the water, test the water, ok no rejection, step it up, see what's happening now". It may be more intense now because he hasn't gotten the message yet and now is the time on Sprockets when we get very close to overtly asking someone out. But I think if you frame this as him going slow and gauging interest or resistance, the progression of intensity makes sense. Turn him down and make sure he knows he's turned down, then let him get out of the situation with as much dignity as possible, and you'll probably have the friend you're looking for.
posted by Errant at 9:52 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
posted by Errant at 9:52 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Aww, don't ask him out to coffee just to tell him you're gay! He'll think it's a date, probably. Just say, like, "I was at [insert well-known lesbian bar here, or if you think he might not know it's queer say 'this lesbian bar ...'] the other night. Saw the cutest girl/I'm so ready for a girlfriend again, being gay in this town is super hard." If you really want to make the point, you can be like "and there were these dudes there who were hitting on me, which is such a waste for someone super gay like me." You can bring it up as recovering from a hangover, or sleepy, and maybe just as you giving him a heads-up that your play might be a little off.
I have a million ways to casually come out, MeMail me if you want to talk about it more.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:27 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
I have a million ways to casually come out, MeMail me if you want to talk about it more.
posted by c'mon sea legs at 10:27 PM on October 11, 2013 [1 favorite]
Try an offhand remark but replace "girlfriend" with "partner," which is pretty hard to misinterpret. Unless you're a lawyer.
posted by mckenney at 10:33 PM on October 11, 2013
posted by mckenney at 10:33 PM on October 11, 2013
Do you have a tennis-ready shirt that says "Lesbian" or "I Love Women" on the front in big letters?
posted by pracowity at 10:35 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by pracowity at 10:35 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
I say go with, when he says or does something really nice, "Awww, when you do stuff like that, I always think, "Man, it's too bad he's a dude." (puzzled pause from him) "Oh, because I prefer women. But you're just so great! You're such a sweet, stand-up guy that you should be in a rom-com opposite Isla Fisher. Wait -- *I* should be in a rom-com opposite Isla Fisher ..."
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:36 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
posted by Eyebrows McGee at 10:36 PM on October 11, 2013 [7 favorites]
In your update you say you hate outing yourself -- that makes it a bit tough because you also said earlier you'd love to be friends with him. I think if you want the friendship to proceed you'll have to out yourself to remove the romantic thing he seems to be angling for and open the way for friendship. Your description of him in your update, intensely reeling you in and whatnot, makes him sound a bit skeevy but since your original post characterizes him as someone you'd want to be friends with I'm assuming you don't really think he's kinda gross.
Anyway, the way I'd go about it would be, the next time he makes a move or remark the least bit romantic, I'd raise an eyebrow and say something like, "you do know I'm not into guys?" or whatever similar thing feels most natural for you to say.
posted by JenMarie at 10:40 PM on October 11, 2013
Anyway, the way I'd go about it would be, the next time he makes a move or remark the least bit romantic, I'd raise an eyebrow and say something like, "you do know I'm not into guys?" or whatever similar thing feels most natural for you to say.
posted by JenMarie at 10:40 PM on October 11, 2013
You don't have to out yourself.
Sample responses for when he hits on you are the same as standard responses if you were straight:
"I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in you that way."
"No thanks, I'm not looking to date right now."
"I'd love to go have coffee sometime, as long as you understand that it would be purely platonic."
If you say one of the above things and he continues to aggressively hit on you, you probably shouldn't try to become friends with him.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:46 PM on October 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
Sample responses for when he hits on you are the same as standard responses if you were straight:
"I'm flattered, but I'm not interested in you that way."
"No thanks, I'm not looking to date right now."
"I'd love to go have coffee sometime, as long as you understand that it would be purely platonic."
If you say one of the above things and he continues to aggressively hit on you, you probably shouldn't try to become friends with him.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 10:46 PM on October 11, 2013 [8 favorites]
If he's "hit on you in a playful, non-serious way" he may not be into you at all and may just be a huge flirt.
Unless the flirting is making you uncomfortable, I'd just ignore it and be friendly. It likely doesn't mean anything and you are no more obligated to out yourself than you are to tell someone you're not into that you aren't into them. Lighthearted flirting is not equivalent to asking someone out or even expressing real interest. Especially as a tennis instructor; part of his job is to make his clients feel good and have fun.
-On behalf of friendly flirts everywhere who are sick of folks misinterpreting our charm.
posted by amaire at 10:58 PM on October 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
Unless the flirting is making you uncomfortable, I'd just ignore it and be friendly. It likely doesn't mean anything and you are no more obligated to out yourself than you are to tell someone you're not into that you aren't into them. Lighthearted flirting is not equivalent to asking someone out or even expressing real interest. Especially as a tennis instructor; part of his job is to make his clients feel good and have fun.
-On behalf of friendly flirts everywhere who are sick of folks misinterpreting our charm.
posted by amaire at 10:58 PM on October 11, 2013 [15 favorites]
I'm a big fan of replying to a random compliment or remark with, "Yeah, I had an ex-girlfriend who used to tell me that too." Note the tacit assumption here that "you and I both already know I'm gay" which is a face-saver for him if he didn't know that.
If he expresses surprise at your orientation, a joking "Dude, of course, check your gaydar!" might also come in handy.
The secret is to be totally offhand about it, like the whole matter was discussed and settled between you two long ago. The worst approach I think would be, "Harold, there's something I need to tell you, and I hope it won't upset you too much, because our friendship is very precious to me and I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything, but... [etc. etc.]" Telling someone you're gay shouldn't take on the same tone as confessing you've just been paroled from your sentence for manslaughter.
posted by La Cieca at 11:17 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
If he expresses surprise at your orientation, a joking "Dude, of course, check your gaydar!" might also come in handy.
The secret is to be totally offhand about it, like the whole matter was discussed and settled between you two long ago. The worst approach I think would be, "Harold, there's something I need to tell you, and I hope it won't upset you too much, because our friendship is very precious to me and I wouldn't jeopardize that for anything, but... [etc. etc.]" Telling someone you're gay shouldn't take on the same tone as confessing you've just been paroled from your sentence for manslaughter.
posted by La Cieca at 11:17 PM on October 11, 2013 [4 favorites]
Is it possible he knows that you're gay? I am somewhat camp, flirty, dude myself, and frankly I find it really enjoyable to have some badinage with someone when we both know that that's all it is. Being gay, obviously, is just one of the things that could put my relationship to someone into this category, but it is great when there's just a "yep, everyone's on the level here, absolutely none of this serious or will be misinterpreted" and you can engage in some harmless banter.
But then again, no one to my knowledge has ever interpreted my silliness in any other way, so I'm obviously good when it comes to putting out a "this is just funsies" vibe, and this guy obviously is not. I'd just say, "You know I bat for the other team, right Greg? Good stuff." Leave it at that.
You shouldn't have to out yourself, but if you have a good relationship with this guy, you should be able to trust him.
posted by smoke at 11:25 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
But then again, no one to my knowledge has ever interpreted my silliness in any other way, so I'm obviously good when it comes to putting out a "this is just funsies" vibe, and this guy obviously is not. I'd just say, "You know I bat for the other team, right Greg? Good stuff." Leave it at that.
You shouldn't have to out yourself, but if you have a good relationship with this guy, you should be able to trust him.
posted by smoke at 11:25 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
I've always liked the phrase "You're barking up the wrong tree" coupled with a drop in my voice, a curt head shake, and no smile like "suddenly I am being serious now" and then followed up with a return to smiles and "so anyway!"
It's a strong metaphor of not-quite harassment and also casts you two as different species, but it's familiar and idiomatic enough not to be dead serious. If he catches you out and tries to apologize, then you can say something like "I'd rather you just be yourself around me." which is an endorsement of him as a person, but not him as a dog/guy who is hitting on you.
posted by Mizu at 11:40 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
It's a strong metaphor of not-quite harassment and also casts you two as different species, but it's familiar and idiomatic enough not to be dead serious. If he catches you out and tries to apologize, then you can say something like "I'd rather you just be yourself around me." which is an endorsement of him as a person, but not him as a dog/guy who is hitting on you.
posted by Mizu at 11:40 PM on October 11, 2013 [2 favorites]
If you're not comfortable outing yourself, then don't do it. Ever. It's difficult, sometimes, for het people to realise how vulnerable you can make yourself when you reveal your sexuality to someone. Sad to say, but there are people in society even today who will say things like "you just haven't met the right man/woman yet (and maybe I'm the right man/woman, even though you just explicitly said you weren't interested)" and other such hurtful nonsense. It's 2013 and this shouldn't be an issue, but homos are still at risk. Also, it's nobody else's business who you like to get it on with. You don't owe anyone an explanation as to why you're not sexually attracted to them. Them thinking that is incredibly entitled.
Looking like the sort of person he hopes would be interested in him & being friendly towards him is nowhere near a mixed signal. Some guys don't get that someone being nice to them doesn't mean that the other person wants to get inside their pants.
I can think of a couple of things you might try. The first is to never acknowledge that he's flirting with you. Any time he says something flirty, shut down. Have a neutral facial expression, stop moving. Look him in the eye for a beat, then continue what you were doing before he was inappropriate. Or, say something along the lines of "it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that". Wait a beat, then go back to doing what you were doing before. Directly saying something is likely to be the fastest way to reach a resolution.
He might be joking, he might be serious or he might be "joking". Whichever way it is, if it's making you uncomfortable then shut him down. It's not OK to flirt with a customer (which you apparently are?). Indeed, the only point at which I can think of that it is OK to flirt with a customer is at a strip club. You don't owe this guy anything. You maybe owe it to yourself a little to assert yourself and say "please stop flirting with me, it's making me uncomfortable". Your sexual preferences aren't relevant to this situation or to anyone other than you're having sex with.
posted by Solomon at 1:43 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
Looking like the sort of person he hopes would be interested in him & being friendly towards him is nowhere near a mixed signal. Some guys don't get that someone being nice to them doesn't mean that the other person wants to get inside their pants.
I can think of a couple of things you might try. The first is to never acknowledge that he's flirting with you. Any time he says something flirty, shut down. Have a neutral facial expression, stop moving. Look him in the eye for a beat, then continue what you were doing before he was inappropriate. Or, say something along the lines of "it makes me feel uncomfortable when you say things like that". Wait a beat, then go back to doing what you were doing before. Directly saying something is likely to be the fastest way to reach a resolution.
He might be joking, he might be serious or he might be "joking". Whichever way it is, if it's making you uncomfortable then shut him down. It's not OK to flirt with a customer (which you apparently are?). Indeed, the only point at which I can think of that it is OK to flirt with a customer is at a strip club. You don't owe this guy anything. You maybe owe it to yourself a little to assert yourself and say "please stop flirting with me, it's making me uncomfortable". Your sexual preferences aren't relevant to this situation or to anyone other than you're having sex with.
posted by Solomon at 1:43 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
For the most part it doesn't come off as serious, but lately, it has seemed more intense.
Without specifics it sounds like flirting rather than "hitting on" and it's feeling more intense to you because of your own discomfort with coming out. You don't need to out yourself to say "not interested" - you don't need a reason at all to not be interested in someone! But unless he's actually asking you out or proposing something, he may be just flirting with no agenda.
posted by headnsouth at 1:52 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
Without specifics it sounds like flirting rather than "hitting on" and it's feeling more intense to you because of your own discomfort with coming out. You don't need to out yourself to say "not interested" - you don't need a reason at all to not be interested in someone! But unless he's actually asking you out or proposing something, he may be just flirting with no agenda.
posted by headnsouth at 1:52 AM on October 12, 2013 [4 favorites]
I don't see why you have to out yourself, especially if you feel uncomfortable doing so. He flirts with you. So what? Maybe he's married and likes to flirt, maybe he's gay and likes to flirt with women, maybe he's only into [insert body type here] with [insert hair color here] and [insert ethnicity here]. If he's JUST flirting, then unless that makes you uncomfortable, then just move on. It sounds fairly harmless.
If he asks you out, then you can say no, thank you. You don't have to give him a reason. Lots of people will take "no, I have a boy/girlfriend" as code for "if I didn't have a boy/girlfriend, then I would totally jump you."
If the anxiety is coming from what you consider to be an inevitable asking-out, then just be content to say no, thanks. If the anxiety comes from feeling like you MUST out yourself for the sake of ethics, then that's not necessary either. If the anxiety comes from him flirting with you at all, then you need to take the advice above and ask him to stop. None of those options require outing yourself.
posted by mrfuga0 at 2:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
If he asks you out, then you can say no, thank you. You don't have to give him a reason. Lots of people will take "no, I have a boy/girlfriend" as code for "if I didn't have a boy/girlfriend, then I would totally jump you."
If the anxiety is coming from what you consider to be an inevitable asking-out, then just be content to say no, thanks. If the anxiety comes from feeling like you MUST out yourself for the sake of ethics, then that's not necessary either. If the anxiety comes from him flirting with you at all, then you need to take the advice above and ask him to stop. None of those options require outing yourself.
posted by mrfuga0 at 2:40 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's no need to out yourself if you don't want to. Instead of ex-girlfriend just refer to an ex; instead of (a current) girlfriend, refer to a partner. Occasionally throw in something like looking at the time and saying you've got to hurry home, 'WE'RE going out tonight' or 'WE have to meet partner's boss for drinks'.
Even if you don't currently HAVE a partner, just generally refer to something you-as-a-couple are doing, simply so he knows you're unavailable.
posted by easily confused at 4:36 AM on October 12, 2013
Even if you don't currently HAVE a partner, just generally refer to something you-as-a-couple are doing, simply so he knows you're unavailable.
posted by easily confused at 4:36 AM on October 12, 2013
No need to be rude, even if he is sort of.
There's no recognized approved manual for approach. The poor guy is doing what he does, probably not from meanness, but cluelessness.
Anyone here advising you to be an asshole IS an asshole. Be nice. The world's hurts aren't all on one man's poor confused shoulders and if others are nursing some insult or assault or bias, it doesn't have to be yours, does it? They can be creeps if they want, of course. Is that what you want to be? Prickly gets you nothing. Nice doesn't always, either, but IME, it beats the dog poop out of prickly.
Personally, I'd hit on you if you were a bag of concrete. I love everyone. Except prickly assholes. Not too keen on beagles, either. (Don't even ask me about beagles which are prickly assholes. Hate 'em.)
(My trick when women hit on me is to tell them I'm heterosexual. Stops things right away. Sometimes it takes a few years, but stop it, it does.)
posted by FauxScot at 6:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
There's no recognized approved manual for approach. The poor guy is doing what he does, probably not from meanness, but cluelessness.
Anyone here advising you to be an asshole IS an asshole. Be nice. The world's hurts aren't all on one man's poor confused shoulders and if others are nursing some insult or assault or bias, it doesn't have to be yours, does it? They can be creeps if they want, of course. Is that what you want to be? Prickly gets you nothing. Nice doesn't always, either, but IME, it beats the dog poop out of prickly.
Personally, I'd hit on you if you were a bag of concrete. I love everyone. Except prickly assholes. Not too keen on beagles, either. (Don't even ask me about beagles which are prickly assholes. Hate 'em.)
(My trick when women hit on me is to tell them I'm heterosexual. Stops things right away. Sometimes it takes a few years, but stop it, it does.)
posted by FauxScot at 6:12 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
He's a tennis instructor. Flirting is practically part of the job description.
posted by xingcat at 7:54 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
posted by xingcat at 7:54 AM on October 12, 2013 [6 favorites]
"...the lessons aren't private + I hate outing myself..."
"Sorry, you're not my type, but I'd like to be friends" is a 100% honest response that doesn't disclose your sexual orientation to the whole class. If later you and he become best buds then eventually he'll figure out that the reason he wasn't your type is because your type is women.
That he's doing this in front of the class to the extent that turning him down would have to be done in front of the class further suggests to me that it's just friendly flirting and not serious interest. If he were serious he'd be trying to talk with you more privately one-on-one leading up ask you out. Does he flirt with the other female students or just you? If just you, that's perhaps a bit weird to single you out for public attention like that, unless you're the only woman in his "target" age range in the class.
Anyhow, I hope it works out. My husband has a bunch of lesbian friends (he's like the token man in their lesbian World of Warcraft guild) and they all used to have tons of fun hanging out before we moved away, so I've seen from personal experience that close, rewarding friendships between a lesbian woman and a hetero man are definitely doable. (And as his wife, I very much appreciated that he had a group of friends he could go do "guy stuff" with without the bad influence of his male friends' macho recklessness and blatant misogyny.)
posted by Jacqueline at 9:14 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
"Sorry, you're not my type, but I'd like to be friends" is a 100% honest response that doesn't disclose your sexual orientation to the whole class. If later you and he become best buds then eventually he'll figure out that the reason he wasn't your type is because your type is women.
That he's doing this in front of the class to the extent that turning him down would have to be done in front of the class further suggests to me that it's just friendly flirting and not serious interest. If he were serious he'd be trying to talk with you more privately one-on-one leading up ask you out. Does he flirt with the other female students or just you? If just you, that's perhaps a bit weird to single you out for public attention like that, unless you're the only woman in his "target" age range in the class.
Anyhow, I hope it works out. My husband has a bunch of lesbian friends (he's like the token man in their lesbian World of Warcraft guild) and they all used to have tons of fun hanging out before we moved away, so I've seen from personal experience that close, rewarding friendships between a lesbian woman and a hetero man are definitely doable. (And as his wife, I very much appreciated that he had a group of friends he could go do "guy stuff" with without the bad influence of his male friends' macho recklessness and blatant misogyny.)
posted by Jacqueline at 9:14 AM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
I think a simple "Hey, I like our friendly banter but lately it's crossed the line into more intense flirting and that makes me a touch uncomfortable. Think you could cool it down a bit? Thanks!" is the way to go.
I know this is easier said than done, believe me. I myself - a het woman - need to have this conversation with an employee at my local coffee shop who has recently crossed the line from friendly banter with a regular to calling me "beautiful" and leaving his contact info in with my to-go orders. And it's been bugging me for months, but I haven't done it yet because I know how awkward it is. But I still think being forthright (without necessarily outing yourself if you don't want to) is the best solution here. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 9:39 AM on October 12, 2013
I know this is easier said than done, believe me. I myself - a het woman - need to have this conversation with an employee at my local coffee shop who has recently crossed the line from friendly banter with a regular to calling me "beautiful" and leaving his contact info in with my to-go orders. And it's been bugging me for months, but I haven't done it yet because I know how awkward it is. But I still think being forthright (without necessarily outing yourself if you don't want to) is the best solution here. Good luck.
posted by misskaz at 9:39 AM on October 12, 2013
It's a long shot but also remember, depending on where you are doing the lessons, the flirting tennis instructor is a big old cliche for a reason. I suspect you'll find it's "professional" flirting, like some bartenders/waitresses do for bigger tips, more than anything. He gets big tips, or you take more lessons because the cute guy is flirting with you and he makes more money. More so as he's doing this in front of a class, watch him with the other students, I'll bet he's flirty with all of them.
Throw into the mix that he may just be a natural flirt anyway, and I'd enjoy the fun and if he wants more he'll find away to talk to you alone and that's when you can throw in the casual comment about your preferences.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
Throw into the mix that he may just be a natural flirt anyway, and I'd enjoy the fun and if he wants more he'll find away to talk to you alone and that's when you can throw in the casual comment about your preferences.
posted by wwax at 9:42 AM on October 12, 2013 [3 favorites]
I'd say trust your guts. However, wwax is right about seeing how he treats others in the class: if he's equally flirty with them, then it's just his style & probably not worth worrying about. That would also take pressure off yourself to feel like you had to address him directly about it.
OTOH, if you're singled out with his comments, then it'd be time to discreetly say something like, "Hey I don't know if you're serious with these comments, but I feel like I should let you know I'm gay." That gives him a graceful out, and if he's as cool a guy as you say he is, it shouldn't affect either the friendship or the professional relationship.
In my experience, if you try to indirectly hint at being gay, it can backfire (like when you said they just think you mean friend, by saying girlfriend). Or worse, they can make it their personal agenda to convince you that you're not gay. Been there, done that, & it's not fun.
It took me a long time to be able to just say it simply and without fanfare. If I present it as not a big deal, they will take it in stride also. That doesn't mean tell all people immediately when you meet them; fortunately most people these days truly don't care what other people's preferences are.
I may be going out on a limb to say this, but I think the news that oneself is lesbian is frequently better received than declaring oneself a gay male.
If you want to talk about it, feel free to MeMail me. & no that's not a hit - I'm happily coupled. Just an offer to bounce it around as you navigate the situation, from someone who wears your shoes.
posted by yoga at 10:50 AM on October 12, 2013
OTOH, if you're singled out with his comments, then it'd be time to discreetly say something like, "Hey I don't know if you're serious with these comments, but I feel like I should let you know I'm gay." That gives him a graceful out, and if he's as cool a guy as you say he is, it shouldn't affect either the friendship or the professional relationship.
In my experience, if you try to indirectly hint at being gay, it can backfire (like when you said they just think you mean friend, by saying girlfriend). Or worse, they can make it their personal agenda to convince you that you're not gay. Been there, done that, & it's not fun.
It took me a long time to be able to just say it simply and without fanfare. If I present it as not a big deal, they will take it in stride also. That doesn't mean tell all people immediately when you meet them; fortunately most people these days truly don't care what other people's preferences are.
I may be going out on a limb to say this, but I think the news that oneself is lesbian is frequently better received than declaring oneself a gay male.
If you want to talk about it, feel free to MeMail me. & no that's not a hit - I'm happily coupled. Just an offer to bounce it around as you navigate the situation, from someone who wears your shoes.
posted by yoga at 10:50 AM on October 12, 2013
If you follow women's tennis, you can open a conversation with him about being a lesbian by talking about out women on the WTA (like Casey Dellacqua, who just adopted a baby with her partner; or Lisa Raymond) or about high-profile former players who are out (like Amelie Mauresmo or, of course, Martina Navratilova).
Tennis is pretty much the perfect context for a coming-out conversation if you're a woman.
posted by yellowcandy at 11:43 AM on October 12, 2013
Tennis is pretty much the perfect context for a coming-out conversation if you're a woman.
posted by yellowcandy at 11:43 AM on October 12, 2013
The OP has not said this guy is rude or inappropriate in anyway. The answers that are based on this guy being a jerk are not answering the question:
Looking straight and being friendly, taken alone, should never be equated with automatic sexual interest--if it does, I think he has entitlement issues to work through.
There is absolutely nothing here that says the guy has equated anything with automatic sexual interest, or that he has assumptions of what "gay" looks like- that was the OP's assertion, for fuck's sake.
Just be direct with this guy. "Just so you know, I'm gay. I think you're really cool, if you want to hang out." No need to turn this into a condescending "teachable" moment this guy doesn't deserve. And don't ask him out for coffee to tell him you are gay, he's going to think it's a date. Don't ask someone on a date to tell him you won't date him.
posted by spaltavian at 12:39 PM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
Looking straight and being friendly, taken alone, should never be equated with automatic sexual interest--if it does, I think he has entitlement issues to work through.
There is absolutely nothing here that says the guy has equated anything with automatic sexual interest, or that he has assumptions of what "gay" looks like- that was the OP's assertion, for fuck's sake.
Just be direct with this guy. "Just so you know, I'm gay. I think you're really cool, if you want to hang out." No need to turn this into a condescending "teachable" moment this guy doesn't deserve. And don't ask him out for coffee to tell him you are gay, he's going to think it's a date. Don't ask someone on a date to tell him you won't date him.
posted by spaltavian at 12:39 PM on October 12, 2013 [2 favorites]
When this happens, I find some way to mention an anniversary with a girlfriend or ex-girlfriend. That eliminates the chance that it's 1950 in their brain and "girlfriend" only means "friend." It is also something easy to drop while talking about something else instead of doing a record scratch and having to say, "Hey, I am a lesbian."
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:12 PM on October 12, 2013
posted by AppleTurnover at 5:12 PM on October 12, 2013
Honestly, I've tried that with other people and they just think it means "ex friend" or friend
Say "my last girlfriend" used to . . . .
makes it more clear.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:58 PM on October 12, 2013
Say "my last girlfriend" used to . . . .
makes it more clear.
posted by Ironmouth at 10:58 PM on October 12, 2013
How about responding to his comments with a laugh, a shove, and a smiling, "It's so creepy when you say stuff like that! You're, like, my brother!"
posted by hishtafel at 11:13 PM on October 12, 2013
posted by hishtafel at 11:13 PM on October 12, 2013
If it helps I once met a work colleague, we got along really really well and I'd hint at asking her out. She dropped enough clues that she was a lesbian that I got it.
Fast forward a decade, she was my best man at my wedding. So just tell him, he'll be fine.
posted by almostwitty at 11:40 PM on October 12, 2013
Fast forward a decade, she was my best man at my wedding. So just tell him, he'll be fine.
posted by almostwitty at 11:40 PM on October 12, 2013
It never is imperative to out yourself to anyone. And doubly so if it makes you uncomfortable. So no, don't "just tell him".
There's been some good answers in this thread about how you can communicate not being into him regardless of your sexual orientation. Which I think is a better approach than the gambit of 'oh, if only you were the right gender', because there's no onus on you to stroke his ego that way.
You'd lke him as a friend, and considering the reasons you mentioned here, if you told him those he should feel pretty fucking flattered, because that's no small thing.
posted by moody cow at 3:49 AM on October 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
There's been some good answers in this thread about how you can communicate not being into him regardless of your sexual orientation. Which I think is a better approach than the gambit of 'oh, if only you were the right gender', because there's no onus on you to stroke his ego that way.
You'd lke him as a friend, and considering the reasons you mentioned here, if you told him those he should feel pretty fucking flattered, because that's no small thing.
posted by moody cow at 3:49 AM on October 13, 2013 [3 favorites]
Being a lesbian is irrelevant to this situation. You have no need or obligation to tell him anything about your sexuality, whether you're straight, bi, gay or other.
Someone is flirting with you and is creeping you out. Tell them that and only that. That advice is applicable regardless of the relative genders and sexualities of the people involved. You don't need to give people who are creeping you out a reason as to why they're creeping you out.
posted by Solomon at 2:14 AM on October 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
Someone is flirting with you and is creeping you out. Tell them that and only that. That advice is applicable regardless of the relative genders and sexualities of the people involved. You don't need to give people who are creeping you out a reason as to why they're creeping you out.
posted by Solomon at 2:14 AM on October 14, 2013 [1 favorite]
This thread is closed to new comments.
posted by Specklet at 9:11 PM on October 11, 2013 [3 favorites]