How to live with my wife before the divorce?
September 6, 2013 12:52 PM Subscribe
My wife wants to leave me. In late March I discovered an affair she was having. We went through several months of what can best be described as "limbo" while she tried to decide what she wanted to do (leave or stay). At the end of July she announced "when I'm able, I'm going to move out." Problem is - the economics of this are basically impossible. So we still live in the same house. How can I make this easier for me?
posted by anonymous to human relations (66 answers total) 11 users marked this as a favorite
Unfortunately couples counseling is out of the question for her. She has stated on repeated occassions that "it's over." She goes out to spend most of the evening with her new guy twice a week or so.
We have two kids, 3 and 4. I'm the sole breadwinner. We don't have any savings to speak of, and basically make it paycheck-to-paycheck. There is certainly fat in the budget that could be trimmed, but not enough to support two households in our area. She's looking for work, but has been looking since the beginning of the year without /any/ success to speak of. Money isn't important to me (in the sense that I'd [mostly] gladly pay for anything she needs] - but I can't afford to pay for the mortgage on our house (mortgage is in my name, title has both of us on it, fwiw) and another household. She has said she does not want to live with the other guy. The shitty situation is that, honestly, she's getting her cake and eating it too right now.
We have separate bedrooms now. Nothing has been communicated to the kids about the situation, and they don't seem (but surely are) to pay much attention to the sleeping arrangements.
What I'm struggling with is the day-to-day. The tragedy and "nothing you can do" parts of this cut especially deep. I want very much to work on our marriage, see a counselor, do *something*, but am rebuffed at every turn. She has said she can only offer me friendship now, not a romantic relationship.
Intellectually I understand this, emotionally I can't accept it. She's my high school girlfriend (we're 30ish now). I've basically lived my entire life to this point around her. I don't have any coping skills for this situation and am floundering.
Can anyone please offer any advice for how to "make it" day-to-day? Some days are better than others, but every day still starts with the same dread of walking upstairs and seeing my wife and facing the harsh reality of my situation. I can imagine a far off future where things are "different" or "changed" and that feels alright, but that isn't happening tomorrow, or next week or next month. I am seeing a therapist, and all of this is basically the only thing we talk about, but I don't feel myself any more capable or "better" at handling the situation. Maybe it's just a matter of time, but I am struggling between now and that intederminant "then."