Have you grown more physically attracted someone over time?

August 4, 2013 3:13 PM

I'm not sure if my lack of physical attraction for a guy is a dealbreaker or if I should wait and see if it increases over time.

After spending the better part of a year feeling like no one would ever like me again because of a painful breakup, I've been spending time with a guy from my church and we really get along--he makes me laugh, I trust him and feel comfortable around him, we seem to have the same general goals and ideas about life, and he treats me with respect. Those things are all hugely important to me and I know that's really what a relationship comes down to, and I don't want to diminish the significance of those qualities.

There's just one thing--I'm not physically attracted to him. He used to play football (linebacker) so I think he's naturally a bigger person, but as of now I would say he's probably 50 or so pounds overweight. I'm no model myself but I definitely prefer a leaner body type, and physical activity is really important to me, one, because I want to partake in physical activities with my significant other, and two, it's important to me that my SO takes his health seriously. From what I gather he is making an effort to get to the gym more often and he has lost weight in the year or so since I've known him, but as of today I do not feel like he does it for me physically, and I do not want to enter into a relationship expecting him to change. I know he deserves someone who accepts him as he is. I also feel like I could be attracted to him if he lost weight, and that maybe he just needs some encouraging to be more active and eat healthier, but I'm not sure how to bring that up without being condescending.

One last thing...I've been known to become more attracted to people over time as I get to know them. However, I've never really been attracted to someone who was significantly overweight, so I don't want to rule him out based on this, but don't want to lead him on either. I feel SO shallow and hate that this, out of all possible issues, is what's really keeping me from dating him when there could be so many other major red flags. He really is great and treats me wonderfully. I know looks and strength fade, but at the same time I feel like those things are important too. Help?

posted by thank you silence to Human Relations (35 answers total)

Is there a reason you can't just keep hanging out as friends without putting this pressure on yourself right now? That's what I would do.

The thing is, you're identifying his weight here as the main issue but people do tend to get fatter as they get older, so let's say he slims down and you get together, and then he gains weight later on. Do you think you'll stop being attracted to him again? I think probably the real deal is that you just are not attracted to him, for whatever those ephemeral things are about human nature that make us attracted to each other, and you're latching on to the weight as the most probable explanation. I prefer thin guys, too, and am married to one, but the other serious long-term relationship of my life was with a chubby guy and I was totally into him and thought he looked great.

So I think you should just keep hanging out with him as friends, let him know you aren't interested in a relationship right now, and if things change in the future, great! If not, that's okay too.
posted by something something at 3:22 PM on August 4, 2013 [7 favorites]

Personally, I have found that physical attraction is what draws the line between friendship and relationship - part of a healthy relationship should be intimacy, and I can't see myself being intimate when I 'm not attracted to someone.

I know what you mean about becoming more attractive over time, but what I've realized is that it's not that I find them more attractive; rather, I just like them more - i.e. if I ask myself "do I want to kiss him?" the answer is still no.

You can't bank that he's going to change, and as you said, it's not fair to expect him to. Ultimately, I think it's best to keep him as a friend, and look elsewhere for romance.
posted by Sakura3210 at 3:26 PM on August 4, 2013

I think that in general I can find a person more attractive than I did before, if I wasn't turned off by them in the first place. That is, they go from "neutral" to "positive" but not "negative" to "positive." At least, not without some very deliberate cognitive restructuring type activity on my part. So: do you find the overweightness icky or just kind of eh?

I also don't think it's shallow to not date someone on the grounds that you're not attracted to them. That was probably too many negatives, but anyway: you're not being so shallow. If it matters to you, it matters to you, and it's best if you're true to that rather than trying to shove a square relationship into your circle-shaped frame of mind. Especially if you're going to be constantly thinking things like "geez, I can't believe he's doing this when I was so gracious as to ignore the fact I'm not attracted to him when I decided to date him," which people in general (not necessarily you) have a tendency to do when they make compromises like this.

I also agree you're conflating at least two or three different concepts into the "he's overweight so I find him unattractive" statement.
posted by SMPA at 3:27 PM on August 4, 2013 [8 favorites]

Is there a reason you can't just keep hanging out as friends without putting this pressure on yourself right now? That's what I would do.

Obviously, I don't know the whole situation, but it seems like that would be horribly unfair to him. If the attraction issue really isn't something that you're comfortable with, it's better to end it entirely.

And you shouldn't feel any guilt if that makes a relationship untenable. But if there's been any hint of romance (and it sounds like there certainly has), there's an imperceptibly fine line between 'hanging out as friends and waiting' and 'stringing someone along'.

Doing the former could very easily result in a situation where your behavior, no matter how well-intentioned, can wind up being very hurtful and even cruel.
posted by graphnerd at 3:42 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've definitely had attraction to someone grow from 'meh' to 'wow' over time more than once if they're really smart and kind and interesting. Similarly, I can start dating someone I think is just kind of cute who turns, in my mind, into the hottest person in the world as I like them more and more. But like SMPA says, in both cases I have to not be repulsed by them in the first place.

I do think that in my case that if it didn't happen in a year it wouldn't happen though. For me it happens on a weeks/months time scale if it happens at all.
posted by overhauser at 3:44 PM on August 4, 2013

You deserve to be with someone who rocks your world in addition to being a great friend.

He deserves to be with someone who's a great friend and whose world is rocked when he's around.

Neither one of you should settle for the companionship without the passion, just as you shouldn't settle for the passion without the companionship.
posted by headnsouth at 3:45 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

I've never really been attracted to someone who was significantly overweight, so I don't want to rule him out based on this

If you're never attracted to someone as overweight as he is, then you should rule him out based on this, since you're not going to be attracted to him. The only exception would be if he loses a lot of weight, but as you said, it wouldn't be a good idea to be in a relationship with somone that's conditioned on him making such a major change.

I feel SO shallow

Don't worry about that. Everyone is shallow. Anyone who would fault you for making this a dealbreaker has done the same thing — maybe not with body type, but with something having to do with physical appearance. Everyone has their preferences about who they are and aren't physically attracted to.

I question how useful it is to turn this into a broad survey question like "Have you grown more physically attracted someone over time?" What good would it do you to hear a bunch of people answer "yes" to that? Your reason for not being attracted to him is clear-cut, and you wouldn't be doing him a favor by ignoring it.
posted by John Cohen at 3:48 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

To first answer the stated question: Yes, I have grown more attracted over time to someone who was extremely good to me, which helps me be more ...oblivious to first impressions concerning "looks" these days.

But you said: "...I definitely prefer a leaner body type, and physical activity is really important to me, one, because I want to partake in physical activities with my significant other, and two, it's important to me that my SO takes his health seriously."

That isn't shallow. You are saying "I want a certain lifestyle, including good health, and I recognize that a partner significantly impacts that, so this gives me pause." You didn't say "I just can't get hot over him cuz LOOKS." Nothing shallow about it.

Is he hitting on you that you are wondering about this? Maybe he just wants to be friends? Maybe he is gay? I mean, I don't really understand why you are framing this guy as potential relationship material, which just might be something you left out. But, I don't know, men tend to either give me a vibe early on or it stays platonic (but that might be my own weirdness). I usually know kind of quickly that something has potential for romance. If I don't get that vibe, I don't bother to think much about whether they are "my type."
posted by Michele in California at 3:54 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Not usually, no.
posted by ead at 3:57 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Are you attracted to him in other ways? Or does he just seem on paper like a "great guy"? For me, being physically attracted to a guy almost always follows being "mentally attracted."
posted by hishtafel at 4:01 PM on August 4, 2013

Don't feel shallow. You can't force physical attraction nor can you deny its importance. So the question is whether his face and slimmed down body type would be attractive to you.
posted by Dansaman at 4:01 PM on August 4, 2013

I have found traits of my partners more physically attractive, like going from being "meh" about beards to it becoming a rabid beard fan. But things that were outright turnoffs never got better.
posted by Anonymous at 4:02 PM on August 4, 2013

I feel SO shallow

This doesn't make you shallow. You'd be shallow if looks were the only thing you cared about. Instead, looks are one of the things you care about. Moreover, it seems that the reason you're beating yourself up so much over this situation is because of this:

After spending the better part of a year feeling like no one would ever like me again because of a painful breakup

Don't get so hung up on this guy, there will be others.
posted by ludwig_van at 4:02 PM on August 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

Two answers to your question:

Have you grown more physically attracted someone over time?

Heck yes. I've been into guys whom I would not at first even consider worth a second glance, because their personalities just did it for me, and they became really attractive to me over time. I don't think this is unusual. I agree with John Cohen - I'm not sure how relevant this is to your actual situation though.

From what I gather he is making an effort to get to the gym more often and he has lost weight in the year or so since I've known him, but as of today I do not feel like he does it for me physically, and I do not want to enter into a relationship expecting him to change. I know he deserves someone who accepts him as he is... I also feel like I could be attracted to him if he lost weight, and that maybe he just needs some encouraging to be more active and eat healthier, but I'm not sure how to bring that up without being condescending.

Yep, you're right. Sure, he may lose weight in future, but a lot of people who are overweight just DON'T. I mean, I've been overweight all my life, and I wouldn't want someone to start dating me, on the condition that I might lose weight and become more attractive to them in time. If I'm honest, I can't think of anything more insulting, so your worries about coming across as condescending are spot-on. Do him and yourself a favour, and don't go out with this guy. You both deserve better. You can just continue to enjoy your friendship with this nice guy, and sooner or later I'm sure you'll meet someone who does it for you in all senses.
posted by Ziggy500 at 4:04 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Sometimes it's good on paper and it's not good in reality. It's totally ok to not be attracted to this guy physically...I do think that would happen in a year's time if it was going to. Keep him in your life as your friend if that feels good to you, but no need to force yourself to try to be attracted to him.
posted by manicure12 at 4:10 PM on August 4, 2013

Your lack of physical attraction to a potential romantic partner is always a dealbreaker.

Look, I'm sorry, but "am I attracted to this person?" is always consideration number one. It's what divides people you want to be friends with from people who are potential lovers.

There's really no way around this. You have to be attracted to someone in order to date them. Period.

In my experience hoping that the person will drastically change their appearance in order to become someone you find attractive is unrealistic.
posted by Sara C. at 4:14 PM on August 4, 2013 [12 favorites]

The way you are describing why you’re not attracted to him sounds very intellectual (they are things you THINK rather than get through your senses), but is sort of about physical attraction (your reaction to his looks). I think this happens frequently – that something fairly ideological or intellectual becomes an obstacle to us becoming fully aware of someone else’s physicality. Mostly, this is a good thing – this is why/ how we avoid having the hosts for our best friend’s boyfriend, or for that handsome cad, or for that really attractive, but clearly vulnerable new temp etc.

I think attraction is either a very sensuous thing, as in the look, smell, feel, or the voice of someone draws the attracted person in and gives rise to amorous stirrings (“animal attraction”, lust, kind of), or else someone’s outlook on life, demeanor, style, knowledge, status, wallet, the whole emotional, social and intellectual package makes them alluring, which might lead the other person to open up to their physicality, as it were (generally there is a bit of a feedback loop).

To explain what I mean: let’s say I have only ever been attracted to brunettes, in part because I strongly believe (rightly or wrongly) that blondes die younger, or are quicker to anger, whatever. I find myself sort of drawn to a blonde (she’s kind, makes me laugh etc), but am not attracted to her because she is blonde (and will die younger, or will start arguments at the drop of a hat). After a while, it turns out she was a brunette after all and had dyed her hair. Two things could happen – I might think “Bummer, still not attracted to her”, or “Wow, how did I never notice that Blond-now Brunette is so sexy?”

One way of seeing if you are potentially physically attracted to this guy might be to banish the intellectual aspects of this debate (this are your two worries: a. he might not be a good fitness companion, which you value, and b. he might develop poor health. By the way, I’ve seen both of those be dealbreakers in their own right for some people, at least at the stage you’re at, even if the other person was physically attractive to them). Invite him to do some exercise with you – go to the gym, go hiking, something like that. See what he is like when he IS physically active. Bonus-points – you will end up smelling him, which for some people can be a turn-on (or a total turn-off, but then at least you’ll know).

Datapoint(s):

1. I once briefly dated someone who was not my type at all (too big all round, and I’m kind of scared by super-big people); knew the guy for a while and he didn’t even come close to my radar, until we were at a party together, we danced, and the way his hand rested on me, the way he smelled, his voice up close… total gonner. So yes, you can get attracted to someone you don’t like that way initially.

2. I’ve a friend, he’s also cca 20 kg overweight, if not more, and he is relatively short, so it shows. I go running with him, his stamina doesn’t compare with mine – he can gone on and on long after I am well and truly done. Not all overweight people are unfit, and quite a few are both fit and like to be active (which would sort of annul your worry no. 1, to some extent).

3. Another ex., pretty much perfect bodyshape, in his mid-30s, but hated moving. He disliked even going for a few minutes’ amble. Getting out the front door and into his car seat was pretty much all the exercise he ever got – but he looked like Adonis. So, whilst the actual form of his body would more than pass muster, in terms of his life-style he wouldn’t make it past your point 1 (and probably not past 2 in years to come).
posted by miorita at 4:38 PM on August 4, 2013 [3 favorites]

I agree with miorita that your reasons for disliking him physically sound very intellectual. I've been attracted to people who I didn't expect to before, and had that attraction grow, but what always proved it was . . . well, making out. Physical compatibility and spark goes beyond the intellectual. My "type" is tall, dark and handsome. My husband is short, pudgy, and adorable. But we have great physical chemistry, and that's what matters.

So the question for me would be, "How do you feel when you kiss him?" Not that you should test-kiss him to see, but if you have, and feel that spark, there's probably hope. If not, meh.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:43 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Please don't tell him that you'd date him if he lost weight. Don't even get close to hinting it. I don't think you sound like the type of person who would do this, but just in case... I had a boyfriend who told me he'd dump me if I didn't lose weight (I was perfectly healthy and was edging on underweight at the time) and combined with some other behaviors he successfully pushed me into an eating disorder. I still have that eating disorder, and I dumped him a year ago.

So yeah there is no way to tell him to lose weight without at best condescending him and at worst giving him a lasting problem with food.

Physical attraction is important. It's a legit deal breaker. Don't date him.
posted by sockermom at 4:48 PM on August 4, 2013 [4 favorites]

We all have types. That's how we help whittle down who to date and who not to date. And then we work out just how important certain features are. It seems that his lifestyle and health are important to you. And that's affecting your ability to be attracted to him. So that means he's more than likely not going to work in the long term for you. Because if you don't just want to grab him and kiss him no matter how he looks (and at some point throughout his life he's going to be overweight, dirty, sweaty, old, etc) then I think it's time to move on.
posted by heyjude at 5:09 PM on August 4, 2013

Forget the details.... what you are expressing is misgivings.

Doesn't matter what they are. (I'd be as worried about the church thing as you are about the fat thing, for instance.)

Why you choose who you choose and why they choose you is a constant in life, not just in relationships.

The marriage myth says a bunch of crap about 'in sickness and in health'. In reality, it doesn't really hold up that well to any factor, and the stats prove it. Expect changes from your potential mate, not stasis, and while you are at it, expect change from you, too. The change can be for the better or worse. What will happen with each change is that you'll need to decide if it's a deal breaker or not. All that is happening here is that you are getting a head start on this process.

The day a relationship starts is just the day it starts. Even the best ones end with death, but most end with intent.

There's nothing wrong with you for being picky. We CHOOSE. CHOOSE is active. It's legal and not a character flaw. Own your choices, that's all. Choose for blue eyes, boob size, earlobe configuration, smell, habits.... no one cares. What's shallow to me is most certainly not shallow to you. It's OK.

Good luck.
posted by FauxScot at 5:12 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Seriously: what happens when you imagine being intimate with him? I once met someone who was totally not my physical type, but I felt a sort of pull, but really felt unsure. Later on the way home the thought of being together just flashed into my mind and I full on shuddered in pleasure on the dang train. As noted above, you need to find a way to de-intellectualize this to truly make your assessment.
posted by telegraph at 5:28 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Yes, physical attraction can grow as you get to know someone over time. But it cannot be forced, either. For those who like to control life circumstances to the best of their ability, this distinction doesn't feel especially helpful, as it's more a waiting than a making game. The question, it sounds like, is if it's worth the waiting. I'm afraid there isn't a great answer to that, but as always, honest communication along the way is a pretty vital thing, no matter which way you decide to go.
posted by SpacemanStix at 5:36 PM on August 4, 2013

Don't feel bad because as others have said the weight probably isn't the real issue. I'm sure you haven't felt sparks with plenty of other people who were great guys otherwise and didn't feel guilty. With this guy you are simply missing that X factor needed to have a great relationship and feel shallow because he also happens to be overweight. I bet if he had the perfect body you wouldn't feel that spark either and that's OK! I would say that my biggest turn off is balding and yet the last guy I utterly fell for was not only a little chubby but balding to boot. Didn't matter, sparks were still there. If we didn't have sparks I wouldn't think I was being shallow and not dating him because he was balding...it just wasn't meant to be. Don't beat yourself up about it.
posted by Valkyrie21 at 5:57 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

Don't try to talk yourself into a romance. That's not fair to anyone.

Addressing your question: Yes, I have grown more physically attracted over time in the sense that intimacy and familiarity made someone who was initially so hot I could barely see straight so desirable I couldn't stand it.

Someone to whom I was not I initially interested in in "that way" has never become attractive to me.

I am a snap judgement person, though, and for some slow and steady wins the race.

Be friends. Don't have expectations. Enjoy what it is and live your life (and let him live his.)
posted by Lesser Shrew at 5:59 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

This so depends on you, and how you personally function in the attraction sphere. You asked for personal anecdotes though, so here's another vote for going from "meh" to "wow", but never "nah" to "wow".

Another vote for "overweight" not equaling "unhealthy". My current guy is a little heavy and I'm quite slender and he is never the first one to get tired when we're sight-seeing or hiking or, uh, other activities. He's in better shape than I am.

Truthfully, I don't think it is the weight that is keeping you from being attracted to him. I used to feel the same way, didn't think I would be attracted to someone overweight, but it SO doesn't matter at all with my current partner. Not even in the slightest. I am surprised sometimes at how little it matters but it isn't about the weight at all. It's about him. I think you and he just don't click in a romantic/attracted way, that's all.
posted by chainsofreedom at 6:29 PM on August 4, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's really funny that you asked this because I have been thinking back on all my relationships lately and in doing so have been evaluating which guys I dated because I found them attractive right off the bat, and which ones were guys I convinced myself to date despite not having that immediate physical pull towards them. It is definitely possible to fall for someone physically AFTER finding someone attractive in other ways, an sometimes for me those were the people I ended up having a tremendous amount of chemistry with because I really got to know them first before jumping their bones. But like someone above said, you shouldn't have to persuade yourself to like someone in that way, and if you just cannot see yourself ever getting physical with them, then that's that. I have one guyfriend my parents would love me to marry, but the thought of kissing him (much less sleeping with him) makes me want to climb walls in horror, even if I am attracted to him on so many other levels.

Give yourself some time to evaluate whether this is something that might change. You are not a bad person if you end up deciding for sure that you don't find him attractive.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 6:42 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Date #1 - meh he was ok
Date #2 - hey he's not bad
Date #3 - wow he is a LOT cuter than I remembered!
Date #4 - must bone this person

Etc etc... If its not following this trajectory then don't force it.
posted by St. Peepsburg at 7:07 PM on August 4, 2013 [2 favorites]

Should also mention - the men who have mad me stoopid crazy with lust had little, if anything, in common phenotype-wise. And there have been candidates who were, in terms of height and weight and waist-shoulder ratio and skin quality EXACTLY what I believe is the Adonis ideal and they left me cold.

For my money, attraction is a mix of the effable and the ineffable so even if you fear that looks alone are responsible for your "shallow" response, it's likely other factors are included.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 7:10 PM on August 4, 2013

Never sustainably. I've been able to generate an occasional spark or flash with someone who was attractive to me on an intellectual level but not a physical one. But it has never turned into a real, relationship-sustaining Fire, to use just an awful metaphor.
posted by like_a_friend at 7:32 PM on August 4, 2013

I can only speak from personal experience, but when my ex and I got together (and when we were dancing around each other immediately before that), I was incredibly attracted to his mind and personality but worried that I wouldn't grow to find him physically attractive (he's on the heavier side too).

And I absolutely did. A couple of months into our relationship, I found myself realising that I really, really liked his body. No disgust at all. This continued until our relationship ended a couple of months ago, and I still find him physically attractive. He definitely grew on me, and converted me to bigger dudes. I now find myself liking a bit of heft to a man.

In fact, I was so thoroughly converted that I got kind of worried when I got together with my current boyfriend (who is tall and lean) that he wouldn't be solid enough for me. Fortunately, I find him very attractive too!

So it can happen - but I'd guess that it's a very person-specific thing.
posted by terretu at 3:38 AM on August 5, 2013

I have grown more attracted to people over time, BUT, that usually was a factor of getting to know them. Like, the more I realized I liked the person's personality, the more physically attracted to them I became. However, you already know you like this guy's personality. I have never been good friends with someone and then had sexual attraction well up out of nowhere -- either it was there from the beginning of the friendship, or it really never comes up.
posted by feets at 4:15 AM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

I've been known to become more attracted to people over time as I get to know them.

In the instances in the past where you've grown more attracted to people over time, did you feel as conflicted as you do right now?

I also feel like I could be attracted to him if he lost weight, and that maybe he just needs some encouraging to be more active and eat healthier, but I'm not sure how to bring that up without being condescending.

Even if there was a way to do this without being condescending, you shouldn't do it. You don't start a relationship with someone hoping that they will change. You're setting yourself up for disappointment, and you are not being fair to him.

I am wondering if what you are really asking for her is reassurance that you're not a bad person or shallow for this being a dealbreaker for you. It's fine. Cut your losses and find someone you are attracted to. (Source: I am a fat person).
posted by inertia at 8:53 AM on August 5, 2013

If you're not attracted to him you're not attracted to him. Just don't pretend this is about health. Weight and overall health are not as correlated as you think.
posted by dekathelon at 7:43 PM on August 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

dekathelon just almost said everything I wanted to say, in a small fraction of the words.

I've certainly become more attracted to people over time, but that was as someone who doesn't seem to have a physical "type." You sound different, and that's okay.

You are not attracted to this guy, and his weight/size/body type are part of that. That's okay.

But if the issue is that you're not physically attracted to him, please don't try and make it about health or activity level. The correlations are between these things and weight are not nearly as clear-cut as they're made out to be. If you know he's not interested in the sorts of physical activities you enjoy, that's its own issue - and again unrelated to the number on the scale. (I know many highly active people, large & small, who are incompatible because they like very different activities.)

Hoping that attraction will grow because he's a good guy otherwise and you're scared you won't find love again doesn't seem fair or pleasant for either of you. Sounds to me like there's someone better out there for you - both of you. Go find them.
posted by Someone Else's Story at 8:21 PM on August 5, 2013 [1 favorite]