What do couples derive from intimacy?

April 5, 2013 4:33 PM

I have been single for a while now. My past relationships have been less than stellar or fulfilling but it has caused me to be mildly misanthropic and averse to people. Apart from needs like sex I am not sure why so many couples are even together. I am in a phase where I am preparing for a relationship. But I am not sure what people are getting out of intimate romantic relationships apart from sex?

I do not mind being alone and rarely feel lonely. I don't need someone and only want to be around another person if they enhance and improve my life somehow. I don't even feel lonely. It's more as if I am ready to cooperate and share my time and co-exist. I feel like I could enter a relationship at this point and ideally it would enhance my life. I believe that I can define and control what I want to some reasonable extent.

I am so used to being by myself I think being around someone else for an extensive period will be hard to adjust to. I've been with people before but since my hiatus I've changed and my expectations have as well. I have no intention of involving myself in some kind of symbiant dysfunctional relationship. I've really been working on setting boundaries and my communication skills.

But I observe other people do this for long periods and short periods. What is it that people are getting from being with other people so much. I have liked it but never found it to be that fulfilling in the past.

Should I take a different approach to this? I am far from a relationship expert so and advice would be appreciated.

posted by skwint to Society & Culture (41 answers total)

What is it that people are getting from being with other people so much.

Someone else thinking you're the best thing since sliced bread.

There are a few other good things, but that's the main one. If knowing that doesn't make you feel anything, it doesn't mean you're a bad person, or doing things wrong, it just means you're not typical in what works for you. Find out what works for you and do that, don't try to stick yourself on the One True Path To Happiness in defiance of it.
posted by fearnothing at 4:44 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

It's kind of hard for me to tell what your question is here, but I can speak to what people are getting from being with other people so much -- or anyway, what I am getting from being with my partner.

It's the knowledge that someone always has my back, someone is always on my side; someone always wants to hear about the funny thing the kid did, even if maybe not right this minute. Someone is always there to split tasks with me when I don't want to do them, and to pep-talk me when I need a pep talk. That's not appealing to everyone, but it really is for me.
posted by KathrynT at 4:47 PM on April 5, 2013 [21 favorites]

I think perhaps you haven't been in a relationship with the right person. It shouldn't really feel like work, especially at the start.

But to answer your question, what I get is a partner, a companion, someone who makes me laugh, someone to listen to my thoughts and opinions, and someone to help me understand other viewpoints. It's like having a really great friend who is always there for me.

I'm an introvert and don't like spending lots of time around people... but when I'm with my husband, it feels like I'm alone. (And I mean that in a good way!)
posted by barnoley at 4:48 PM on April 5, 2013 [9 favorites]

Constant laughter and/or not needing to watch funny shows (except as inspiration) has been the feature of all my best relationships. Laughter has numerous proven health benefits, and being with someone funny just feels right in ALL the ways in a way I can't explain. When I get into relationships with guys that are good at riffing my life improves in every way. Being able to just drive around or walk around and see the humor in things with someone else has been humanizing, grounding, and relaxing.
posted by kettleoffish at 4:49 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Your romantic relationships should leave you better off, overall, than you were alone. If you're worse off, you shouldn't be in that relationship. What specific things in the relationship make you better off are as unique as the people in each relationship. So if you're getting sex but are worse off overall, then it's okay not to pursue a relationship (or at least that particular one) and if all your relationships leave you worse off...well, that's normal, right? You leave every relationship you ever have until you find one you're better off in, or until you give up or run out of time.
posted by davejay at 4:54 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Seconding everyone, and just to add to KathrynT's list: having someone else's back, being on someone else's side; splitting tasks with someone who is struggling to do them; pep-talking that person when they need it. Admiring that person, hoping that they had a good day (every day) because you get to hear about it.

Being loved is nice. Loving the other person back is, well, lovely.
posted by dumdidumdum at 4:56 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

Uh, because my girlfriend is awesome and pretty much my best friend and coconspirator in shenanigans?
posted by klangklangston at 4:57 PM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

He kisses me when I wake up in the morning. He regularly makes my favorite breakfast for me. When I need a break from taking care of the baby, he is there to help.

He does the laundry, the dishes, and takes out the trash, not to mention cleans the litterbox (in return, I do his least favorite chores). When I don't have an income or have a decreased income, he takes over paying all the bills and expenses, and I do the same for him.

On long car trips, he reads me funny things from the internet. On bad days, he sends me lolcats. When we're stuck doing something boring, he passes me love notes. He brings me flowers. He sets up all the electronics in the house for us, I make all the phone calls to businesses for us. We proofread each others letters, papers, and presentations.

I send the thank you cards to his grandmother that he would never remember to send. He locks the door to our house at night like I would never remember to do. When I'm sad, he listens to my sad story and brings me a mango lassi. When I'm angry, he jokes and makes me laugh. He tells me I look beautiful. He kisses me goodnight before we fall asleep.
posted by treehorn+bunny at 4:58 PM on April 5, 2013 [41 favorites]

Reading this question, I have to ask: do you have regular, platonic friends? The way you word this seems...well, different. Do you ever have the desire to do something else for someone to make them happy? It's that give and take that make a romantic relationship work. It's not just because that person does nice things for you-it's that you want to do things for them, and that you cannot imagine life without them. If you have not experienced this, no wonder you feel as you do. In which case, the usual meta advice is in order-maybe schedule a session or two with a therapist.
posted by St. Alia of the Bunnies at 5:00 PM on April 5, 2013 [10 favorites]

My partner is so! proud! of! me! At all times, and especially when I do stuff I seriously didn't want to do. Unlike everyone else in the world, she knows not only that certain things are very difficult for me, but why. She calls me a "superstar" when I accomplish them. And when I don't, when I feel disappointed in myself, she holds me and says ridiculous and/or comforting things. While she says them, I get to inhale the scent of her sweater and that makes me feel so much better because I love her and she smells good.

My sense of humor has a very tasteless side that I really must keep under wraps most of the time so I can do things like be employed and have casual acquaintances. My partner enjoys it. Encourages it. Tosses it back. All this practice at laughing at life (really, making fun of life) means that I'm never, ever bored when she's around or within texting or IMing distance. It takes dramatic situations down a few notches, too.

I'm an introvert. I need a lot of alone time, and she gives it to me. But it's been long enough (two years and a few months) where it's starting to feel like being around her and being alone are just as comfortable, only having her around is more fun and very helpful.
posted by houseofdanie at 5:16 PM on April 5, 2013 [16 favorites]

I'm perpetually single but couplehood has started to look a lot more attractive to me over the past ten years or so as many (though by no means all) of my friends (and relatives) have formed better couple relationships, either by breaking off old, bad relationships and starting new, better ones, or by improving their existing relationships. (Also I have broken off friendships with people because their couple vibe bothered me, and I don't form new friendships with couples who have weird or uncomfortable stuff going on, so the ratio of good couples to bad couples among my friends has increased dramatically!)

I didn't used to see the attraction, but now as more of my friends are in *functional* couples (probably mostly as a result of growing older and wiser), I'm starting to think about what I'm missing.
posted by mskyle at 5:21 PM on April 5, 2013

If you don't derive happiness from being around another person, then it's hard to explain. I'm not currently coupled, but I am definitely a partnership person. I like taking care of ppl, sharing, being around them, and being supportive. I think it makes me a better and kinder person.

Being a good person and in a relationship is more about giving than receiving. If you're just expecting someone else to do stuff for you all the time, you're not going to be a good partner.
posted by discopolo at 5:25 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

In a nutshell: companionship, support, affection, and laughter are the big ones for me. I've been with my partner for eight years and there is literally not a single day that's gone by that he hasn't made me laugh, no matter how difficult the challenges we've faced. I think being together has made me more compassionate, patient, and appreciative of other people and just of being alive.
posted by scody at 5:30 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

(Oh, and I say this as someone who also doesn't particularly mind solitude, and I actually spend whole chunks of my time -- even time with my partner when we're home together -- by myself. The best relationships, in my experience, have had a very good balance between time spent together and time spent as individuals.)
posted by scody at 5:32 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

If you don't derive happiness from being around another person, then it's hard to explain.

I agree with this.

But I have also learned that my own love for solitude is 75% a mask for my insecurities and anxieties. It's a lie I have been telling myself. I don't have people over to my house because I don't want to pick up my socks. But really, I am worried that putting myself out there will be painful and disappointing.

So if you are anything like me, think long and hard about the root causes of your enjoyment of solitude. You may find that, instead of loving it, you merely tolerate solitude as a sort of price to pay for not having to deal with conflict.

Or maybe not. Maybe you are just an introvert and need to find a similar introvert to share parts of your life with?
posted by gjc at 5:44 PM on April 5, 2013 [20 favorites]

Me wife will actually pull the plug on me if I am ever brain damaged or in a coma.

I view this as a very valuable long term investment.
posted by rr at 5:55 PM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

Do you like remembering funny things that have happened? It is even more fun to remember them with someone else who was there too.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:10 PM on April 5, 2013 [4 favorites]

Ditto for present enjoyments - noticing a little absurdity of life, or a verbal oddity, or a pretty scene, or a good meal, etc. More fun when shared.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:14 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Partners share proficiencies. One or the other may be better at driving, directions, finances, communicating with service people, cleaning, cooking, etc. and the whole may be better than the parts. Having a partner gives you a greater margin of safety when dealing with financial or health crises. Partners that are not well matched may amplify each other's bad qualities but I've found that couples more usually tend to provide an anchor against bad tendencies; you are not an echo chamber of your own worst ideas. Memories made together are sweeter; troubles are really halved.

But those practicalities are trumped by having someone you love more than yourself and who loves you more than you love yourself. It makes you feel *lucky,* which is a very good thing to feel. If you don't feel like that, like you made out like a bandit in the sweepstakes of life, then don't couple. If you ever do, though, there's nothing like it. Grab it and run.
posted by Morrigan at 6:15 PM on April 5, 2013 [14 favorites]

My father, who was a bit of a misanthrope, used to say that you were in a relationship for companions and witnesses. That is, other than sex, it was important to have people to do things with and important to have people to be witness to your life. That those things made us human. I am not really a misanthrope but I also sort of have the "what are other people for?" thoughts from time to time. I spend a lot of time on my own and enjoy it.

I'm in a wonderful long distance relationship with someone who is delightful. We're in constant contact but don't hang out in person that much when we're both busy. And then when we do get together it's just so great to have someone around who likes to do basically what I like to do and thinks I am the best person, and I think the same of him. It's nice to have a reciprocal thing with someone; so many of my other relationships seem lopsided and not always in the same direction. I spend a lot of time feeling that I suck it up with people because I am picky and fussy and it's a little silly to expect random other people to be attentive to my needs, even though they're really important to me. And I like being with other people but I find it tiring.

With my partner we try to work things out so that we're both happy and content. And even though we don't always want the same thing to make us happy and/or content, I find the puzzle of figuring him out and figuring US out is challenging and interesting and ultimately gets me farther along a path of understanding myself as well as him and I like that very much. It's not a lot like the sort of rainbows and roses stuff that people talk about what they talk about love, but it's my version of it and I find it satisfying.
posted by jessamyn at 6:36 PM on April 5, 2013 [7 favorites]

This thread on long term relationships has a lot of wonderful answers to your question.

I have so much fun in my relationship. We make stupid jokes, dirty jokes, totally dark and evil jokes. We draw each other cartoons, do voices, play pranks. We leave each other love notes, make each other food. We remind each other to call our loved ones. We introduce each other to our favorite people and take each other to our favorite places. We show each other the beauty we come across and the insights we've gained from our day to day life. We talk and snark about the news of the day. We talk about what we really want to talk about, say what we really want to say without fear of reprisal. We debate and vent about family, about class, about race, about gender, about sexuality. We celebrate wins together and commiserate over losses together. We try to be our best selves for each other and forgive each other when we, from time to time, fail. We share our favorite music, make each other mix tapes, sing along to songs together. We get drunk together and make out. We clasp each other and dance slowly to music in my living room even though neither of us knows the steps. We spend time building castles in the sky, dreaming aloud about what life could be like if everything was perfect. And then we help each other out when it's time to come back to earth and take care of business.

Like you, I also enjoy being alone and value my independence in the sense that I always want to be able to make my own way, without having to rely on others. I still consider myself an independent being, even when in a relationship. I make decisions that include the other person, because I want them in my life. My relationships have at various times been painful and frustrating, but also great sources of joy and growth. They are among the most cherished and eye-opening experiences of my life. My various relationships have taught me new skills and exposed me to many unfamiliar cultures. They've taught me how to accept love and to give love back. They've taught me how to (and how not to) communicate. They've humbled me by showing me my misconceptions about myself. They've surprised me by showing me sides of myself that I did not know existed and showed me that I am capable in ways I was never able to appreciate before. They've taught me how different people can be, and how hard it is to change them. They've taught me how I can be an awful person, and how I can also be a really good person. They've taught me that it's more important to be in accord than it is to win an argument. They've taught me that the people in a relationship don't have to be perfect for the relationship to be perfect for them. I would not be the person I am today without the relationships I've had.
posted by rhythm and booze at 6:41 PM on April 5, 2013 [11 favorites]

It is having a best friend who I can literally say anything and everything to and he won't judge or berate me. And there are the other benefits. It's a total win win.
posted by Leezie at 6:50 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

Mod note: keep snarky asides to yourself, as usual. thank you.
posted by jessamyn (staff) at 7:10 PM on April 5, 2013

I always found it easy to be absorbed enough in my career and hobbies to be generally content while alone and my early intimate relationships felt more like card games.

Then I met my wife. Our initial magic was the sensation of having finally "come home". We're excited to be sharing this time on this planet .

As far as dysfunctional relationships, it's healthy and smart to want the best for yourself but no relationship can look perfect from every single angle.
posted by bonobothegreat at 7:21 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

In crappy times, I have someone there to reassure me, and to commiserate with. Some of our closest moments have been in times of great stress. If one of us is freaking out, the other tends to be zen. In good times, hey, even better! We have certain things one of us likes doing and the other hates, win-win! We run a business together, and have kids together, and even though the newness and magic and limerance wore off years ago, we're still each other's best friends. We squabble and annoy each other like siblings, but we get over it quickly and we both know it means very little.

Though I have no living will yet, I have complete faith that he will make the right decisions for me if ever necessary. I know that if I died, he'd continue to be a really great parent to our kids.

His family is an extension of my family, now, and that feels pretty cool.

We share interests with each other, and while we have our own interests as well, the ones we share are just more fun. I have someone who I know will be excited about a hockey trade or me finding a bike at a thrift shop for ten dollars. It's pretty rad.
posted by kpht at 7:38 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

Next month I will have been married 30 years. My wife is 29 years my junior and yes, just about every person we knew thought it would not last. Life without my wife seem at this point simply unimaginable...I find I love her more and more each day, month, year.
posted by Postroad at 7:55 PM on April 5, 2013 [2 favorites]

I don't need someone and only want to be around another person if they enhance and improve my life somehow.

I'm going to riff on St. Alia to say: intimacy comes about when you want to enhance and improve the other person's life and know they feel the same way about you.
posted by gaspode at 8:02 PM on April 5, 2013 [3 favorites]

My wife is also my very best friend. After 18 years together, the thing we still enjoy the most is just hanging out with each other. There are a million other things I could write about the joys of couplehood, but it all boils down to the fact that I get to share my life with the most awesome woman on the planet. And she's pretty keen on me, too!
posted by spinturtle at 8:37 PM on April 5, 2013

I'll add that after 22 years, another advantage of having a partner is our shared history—all the things we've done together, and the memories we share. It's the cream on top of the daily pleasure in being together, sharing our triumphs, setbacks, silly pleasures, and annoyances with the rest of the world.
posted by brianogilvie at 8:59 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

It's funny this question comes up today. Mr. Roquette and I had our Nikah one year ago yesterday. We can't do a civil wedding because both of us are on SSI, but aside from sex, which we both enjoy, we have someone else to care. We have someone to grill with, someone to eat with. Someone there if one of us is sick. He likes to kid around. Most people have no idea he's pretty smart. He has trouble with reading, so I help him with that stuff.
I happen to be less energetic, sometimes cooking barely seemed worth the bother, it was just me. We make nice things for each other to eat.
He appreciates me as I am, and I feel pretty damn lucky to have such an easy-going and nice man.
We help each other when life stinks. Right now it does quite badly. There are bed-bugs in the building.
So we have helped each other deal with the logistics of all the special cleaning.
He probably appreciates that I am not high-drama. I appreciate being with a man who is not a control -freak. Is it always perfect? No? Is it generally good? Yes, we are both happier because we have each other. While sex certainly is important, it's not the only thing that keeps us together.
posted by Katjusa Roquette at 9:53 PM on April 5, 2013 [1 favorite]

"Apart from needs like sex". I'm not sure what you even mean by that. Masturbation may be a need, but is sex actually a need, in and of itself?

Sex outside of a relationship can involve the thrill of the chase, the thrill of being desired, and a deep but temporary connection. Sex in a relationship (hopefully) involves romance and strong affection as well.

Physical human touch is a need too, although perhaps only for babies and certain adults. You don't get that much physical touch outside of a relationship, unless you partner dance a lot, get a lot of expensive massages or have a new sex partner every other night.

And you still would have no guaranteed slow-dance partner.

However, you may be simply someone who has become very good at loving yourself...good for you. That may well be the smartest way to go.
posted by serena15221 at 10:09 PM on April 5, 2013

Seconding barnoley, I think it all depends on finding the right kind of person to be in a relationship with. I'm a very solitary, slightly misanthropic person who rarely feels lonely and doesn't seek out friendship or companionship, and I've been in a satisfying, happy romantic relationship for about 17 years now. When I'm with my partner, it feels like being alone, only better!

What I get out of the relationship, apart from sex, is interesting conversation, collaboration on mutual goals, sanity-checking of my ideas to make sure I haven't completely lost the plot, non-sexual physical affection, and exposure to new things (e.g. music, books, ideas, etc). I bet you could get all of those things from other sources than a romantic relationship, but it's very convenient to have them all in one person.
posted by RedRob at 1:52 AM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

This is not the kind of question that can be answered in a way that makes sense to someone who doesn't already get it at least a little. People I know who "don't understand relationships" tend to see other people as needing to be managed, taken care of, warded off, negotiated with, hidden from, etc. They find others as untrustworthy, manipulative, disappointing. They don't see the possibility of being "understood" in a deep way. They don't know the difference between love and lust.

I'm not saying you're this way (I don't know you) but I wonder if any of what I've just described characterizes how you feel about others. Historically, such people had bad relationships with their parents growing up--not bad in some gross and obvious way necessarily, just they felt mainly alone and not really known as a child. And thus they believe this is the default relationship.

Such people (and, again, I don't know how you are) also don't really know themselves well either. Not only don't they see the appeal of others, but don't understand how they can appeal to other outside of superficial things. So I ask, why would anyone choose to be with you? Are these reasons something superficial or more about something central to you? And are you so different from everyone else?
posted by Obscure Reference at 6:52 AM on April 6, 2013 [4 favorites]

To know and be known. To have a partner in crime, a companion to share great experiences with. Hopefully someone who shares your values, likes many of the things you like, will stand up for you in the face of life's adversities, just as you will stand up for them. Someone who will ultimately be able to look back with you, and share the memories of your life's great and important moments.

And then there is the practical side - someone who helps share the burdens and expenses of daily life, may support you financially, who will take care of you when you are ill, and make important decisions when you cannot, and will know you well enough to choose what you would want. And you will do the same for them.
posted by catatethebird at 10:45 AM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

Comfort, humour, someone who has your back, spending time with my best friend, someone who makes me feel like a worthwhile person when I'm pretty convinced I'm not.
posted by deborah at 2:17 PM on April 6, 2013

All I really want out of a romantic relationship is someone who'll go to shows with me, send me nice text messages, not fuck other people, and hold me when we're going to sleep (or waking up! I'm flexible.)

This is really, really, really, really hard to find, in my experience. Mostly I can find one of the four, but the one time I found all four was really great. Unfortunately he couldn't be persuaded to hang around.

People are right about the biggest part of a relationship being the giving, though. When I'm dating someone I want to help them do their favorite things, I want to cheer them on, I want to cook them big delicious meals and rub their backs after a long day. I want to listen to their stories and hear their thoughts and fears and make them feel safe. I hate it when I don't have people to do this stuff for, and turn into a kind of sour hermit if it goes on too long, to be honest.
posted by like_a_friend at 2:35 PM on April 6, 2013 [3 favorites]

Personally, my partner motivates and inspires me to be a better me--to take chances, to have empathy, to believe in myself and the world in general (the idea that life can be good, because he proves it can be every day when he's with me). Inadvertently he has helped broaden my worldview too, especially pertaining to childhood experiences (I didn't even realize I had such a negative view of the possibility of parenting and family relations until I got to see his). He challenges me but he also supports me. And that's only possible for a cynic like me to believe in coming from him because he sees me so intimately and I him.

Also, a while back I had a small epiphany where I realized if I had to choose only one thing as being what makes life worthwhile, for me it's been experiencing moments of beauty that compel and move me, with somebody there who I know understands what I'm feeling. To share those moments with someone. It sort of goes back to the whole "having someone as a witness to your life, and witnessing another's life" bond thing. When I die, the fact I made a connection with someone deeply, where we shared those moments (and painful ones too) where my humanity feels sharpest, will remain a fact and that fact can't be taken away.

THAT SAID, if you are someone who can motivate and support yourself to satisfaction, and don't feel that drive to share the most compelling moments of your life with someone (don't need to to feel most deeply moved, I mean), that's totally fine too! Ditto if you find that bond with friends instead of longterm lovers. If that's genuinely how you feel, don't sweat looking for something you think you're "supposed" to be missing even though you don't. It's all good.

Also personally I'd never sneeze at the intimate bond of partnered sex where you can really find your limits and learn about each other over time because it's emotionally "safe", but again, YMMV.
posted by ifjuly at 6:15 PM on April 6, 2013 [1 favorite]

I might be totally off-base, but have you ever considered that maybe sexual/romantic partnership is just not for you? Asexuals often still have a sex drive, but don't have a need for other people to fulfill it (more info here, but keep in mind that people with a broad variety of experiences identify as asexual, and something as complicated as sexuality can't be fully explained in a 1 page FAQ etc.) Also, aromantic is a term used to describe people who may or may not be sexually attracted to/desire sexual relationships with other people, but who do not experience "romantic" attraction. There is a universe of lesser-known sexual and romantic orientations out there, and maybe you will find that there are others out there who have feelings similar to yours.
posted by rosken at 6:21 PM on April 6, 2013

I think I read this on Ask MeFi before...

Romantic intimacy is like having a pajama party with your best friend every day of the year.

This really has been the reality for me, in 6 years of living with my SO.
posted by Tarumba at 6:34 PM on April 6, 2013

With various people in my life and my spouse, the reason I enjoy our time is because I am eager to see what they do next, understand more about the world by seeing how they see it, etc. What I "get out of it" is a richer, more complex world and new contexts for things I thought I knew.
posted by Lesser Shrew at 9:51 PM on April 6, 2013

I got hit with some really agonizing, heart-wrenching news concerning a parent yesterday. Being able to curl up next to my partner and bawl is something so profoundly comforting I don't think I can really describe it.
posted by mostly vowels at 7:59 PM on April 8, 2013 [1 favorite]