Help me define some specific social skills-- which skills are necessary?

February 18, 2013 3:31 PM

I see a lot of people refer to 'social skills' as an amorphous entity that encompasses being 'good with people', or apply extraverted-individual standards to define them (such as 'mingling at parties' or 'engaging in small-talk'). What I'd like to see is a set of actual skills, something like 'the skill of knowing how to write longhand', or 'the skill of tuning a piano': really specific and concrete, with broad applications regardless of one's lack of desire to mingle at parties or in bars. I guess I'd like to know what the hive mind thinks are the specific skills necessary to succeed in college (that is, with professors and/or fellow students) or with professionals in a semi-informal working environment. Bonus for specific skills needed for a teacher. Bonus-plus for breaking down any skill into aspects or components.

One thing that doesn't apply (at least in my case) is stuff like 'paying attention to people' or 'developing empathy' (which I've seen online and consider really overly broad and not super-useful); neither do I mean something like 'dressing neatly' and 'remember personal hygiene'-- it's not a skill if it's common sense and/or something you choose not to do for some reason. It's interesting to me because a lot of what people consider 'social skills' is unrelated to 'people skills' such as fashion or hygiene; regardless, I don't want to go into that. Take it as a given that people are better predisposed if you've learned how to brush your hair and button your shirt, don't loudly eat your lunch at meetings, and don't yawn broadly when speaking to someone.


I personally am very perceptive of 'the mood' in most situations; my general problem, such as it is, is that I sort of ignore it and do whatever I want (within limits of not getting too much attention-- ie, funny looks). A lot of the perception-based advice doesn't apply to me-- but people assume that if you 'get it', you'll just follow through. This isn't the case. I don't have the mental energy to go out of my way to play 'people games', though I should do it more. A lot of it is just that I'm lazy and prefer the path of least resistance-- so what I need is the specific stuff I have to do if I want to invite people I've already known or have contacted to be predisposed (rather than simply not offending random strangers-- or on the other hand, attracting random strangers at parties). I also want to reiterate that I don't really want to ever achieve the level of a person who believes 'social skills' means calling up all your friends every week (or day!) and saying 'hi, how's your chickens?' There are extraverts like this, or rather extraverts who believe this only to be expected. I will never be like this, nor do I want to be.


One example is a person I was talking to who accused me of the faux pas of not asking them personal questions in conversation. Generally, I do know (or 'perceive') that this is how people relate to each other; typically of my attitude, however, I ignore it 'cause I don't find it 'necessary' and have gotten away with depending on others questioning me and/or (preferably) the natural flow of conversation being sufficient. Another example is the above: I ramble. I sort of know rambling is not really 'on' for most people, and they think it's weird and sometimes off-putting: but to what degree is conciseness a social skill in informal situations? Clear, concise and direct communication is an obvious good, but is it a necessary skill to have in social contexts (outside interviews and calls to the credit card company, etc)? These are just examples. I really just want to know what we're talking about when we're talking about social skills (especially for students and/or teachers).

posted by reenka to human relations (17 answers total)

the specific skills necessary to succeed in college (that is, with professors and/or fellow students) or with professionals in a semi-informal working environment.

Maintaining an attitude of openness towards personal interaction. For example, in college, if you are sitting in the lounge casually hanging out or reading, you don't have to greet everyone who walks through the lounge with, "Hello, good to see you. How was your day?" You should, however, display body language that you would be open to being spoken to or answering questions or ok with someone sitting next to you on the couch.

Generally, I do know (or 'perceive') that this is how people relate to each other; typically of my attitude, however, I ignore it 'cause I don't find it 'necessary' and have gotten away with depending on others questioning me and/or (preferably) the natural flow of conversation being sufficient.

Why are you talking with them if you don't have any interest in them? Because you want to talk about yourself? See, the person you're talking with knows that people like to talk about themselves, so he/she asks you questions about yourself, and you willingly follow along, but you're unwilling to put forth the effort to make the experience enjoyable for the person you're talking to, because while you obviously know people enjoy a chance to talk about themselves, you're unwilling to give them the opportunity to have that enjoyable experience.

With professors: rambling is bad. Because talking to you is just a small part of their overall duties. So if you want to speak to them, you need to be direct about what you want to know. They want to tell you what they know. Then they want you to listen to it an acknowledge that you heard them, and then follow up on what they told you. This is a social skill for dealing with professors, because they want to feel like they "did something useful for a student" and that the student "got it," because they don't want to feel like they're talking to a brick wall.

A lot of what you describe sounds like a basic inability to put yourself in the place of the other person, do understand what they want, and give them that in a social interaction.... or if you do have that ability, you're ignoring what they want because you feel it is too much effort.
posted by deanc at 3:45 PM on February 18

I think the key skill is the ability to put other people at ease, so that they feel relaxed, comfortable, and safe with you. (Note--this is not always the desired effect when scoping out future romantic or sexual partners--I'm talking about general social and professional interaction.) Look people in the eye, but not staring them down. Call them by their names, and introduce yourself without being prodded. Asking a personal but non-invasive question (Don't ask someone who stutters if they've always stuttered. Do ask the guy in the motorcycle jacket what kind of bike he prefers--not what he has, because he might just like the look, but asking him what he thinks is cool opens the conversational door.)
Rambling usually implies to me that the rambler is concerned about conversational lapses, and can't find a place to pause, and isn't sure how to toss the conversational ball to me. If you have a question, just ask it. You don't need to give the backstory or tee-up the question. If the listener needs more information, he/she can ask for it. But don't speak like you're sending a text--ask if the prof has a sec, as you have a question. Being too deferential is as off-putting as being a blow-hard.
posted by Ideefixe at 3:48 PM on February 18 [3 favorites]

I don't know how to provide measurable ways to achieve the following, but what's apparent is you need to invest a bit more of your social attention to other people, actively. It's good to be perceptive and get on with what you want to do anyway - in the appropriate amount, that is how I got over (publicly, socially) my insecurity. But to get to your anecdote for example, at the end of it all, do you want to care about other people? The key for me is that you have to want to care. When you don't care is when you have no interest in what they might be able to contribute to the conversation.

Even in rambling, and lord knows I ramble, the point for me is to involve my fellow conversationalist/listener, or else why do I want to ramble? If it was just to vent or similar, they'd at least know that's the point. If your rambling is of no point, to be blunt (whether it is to contribute to their point, to amuse, to share in a meaningful way), then it's just ego. Everyone gets moments when they feel they're on sufferance of other people's companionship. Other people may want to ramble or at least talk about themselves. Cultivate a sense of compassion and interest. Maybe it's just politeness, but we're all insufferable in our own ways, so it's best to recognise that.
posted by cendawanita at 4:03 PM on February 18 [3 favorites]

Ability to tell when others are uncomfortable.

Then there's a whole constellation of skills related to telling why they are uncomfortable, reducing that discomfort, avoiding discomfort in the first place. But if you can't tell that what you're doing is annoying, then you certainly can't fix it.

(This is why personal hygiene and dress are usually on the list. You may already know what the basic requirements are, but there are people who are shocked to realize that other people pay attention to their clothes. And plenty of folks who just don't realize they smell bad, or that other people can tell their hair looks greasy, or that they had a lot of garlic with lunch. It's not always a conscious choice to skip behavior X and pay the price; figuring out which behaviors are expected is itself a skill).
posted by Lady Li at 4:14 PM on February 18 [4 favorites]

Here is a book.
Here is another book.
posted by SyraCarol at 4:20 PM on February 18

If you're going to be a teacher, you will need to be aware of this stuff in interactions with students. Here are a few things that come to mind:

-Understand and maintain the correct amount of "personal space" for different contexts.
-Understand body language and situational cues about whether it is okay to interrupt someone speaking/a group conversation.
-Understand body language and situation cues about when it's time for you to stop talking

-How to interact with other teachers, superiors, or your peers (junior teachers?) - what kinds of questions can you ask, what kinds of comments can you make without being too personal or frivolous or controversial, where do you eat lunch and with whom, what tasks do you help with or offer to help with, how do you seek and respond to feedback from supervisors

Reading students, planning and grading
-How to read student signals about whether they have understood what you're saying in a lesson, or are confused.
-Understand student signals for boredom, fear, etc.
-Figure out if a student is asking for a hint or trying to get you to do the assignment for her; learn how to give her only a hint and get her to do the rest herself
-What kinds of feedback are appropriate for different kinds of assignments (for some assignments a full page of comments is too much, for example)
-How much can students handle in one lesson before you need to change the activity (eg how much lecturing vs worksheets vs discussion, etc)
-What are the social prerequisites for students to have a good discussion? How can you set that tone?
-How is your role in checking on small group work different from your role as whole group discussion facilitator?
-How to express appropriate interest in a student's life, making them feel as if they count without crossing lines
-What is appropriate to share with a student about your own life (hint: very little)

Classroom management
-Understand how to anticipate trouble - eg students who are restless
-Understand how to head off trouble - distracting/redirecting students, splitting up groups, defusing tension, taking someone aside privately, etc.
-Understand socially appropriate discipline
-Understand what kinds of interventions are likely to backfire (eg because you have gotten into a public contest of wills with a student, or you've backed them into a corner and they can't back down without feeling humiliated)
posted by LobsterMitten at 4:21 PM on February 18 [2 favorites]

I think you might help yourself by dispensing with the idea of "conciseness" in conversation and replace it with the idea of fluid back-and-forth between two or more people, where each participant is not rambling on and on. Sentences may be short, but NOT necessarily comprehensive (therefore not exactly meeting a definition of "concise"). This leaves room for others to join in and participate, and perhaps take the conversation in a more natural direction.

For example, you might be telling a story about how you wrote an essay on Celtic folklore for your undergraduate thesis to someone who has zero interest or understanding, but whose brother went to the same college as you did. If you ramble on-and-on-and-on about the details of your thesis to which they can not relate or understand, you'll have missed the opportunity to find out that the person you are talking to has a brother who was dating your roommate's biology lab partner. Or something else which may be interesting to both of you!

A couple of "skills" to practice:
1--The "Six Second Story". When you are in a conversation and you want to tell a story or relate an experience or knowledge, the story should just last six seconds. This then leaves an opening for the person you are talking to (whether your teacher, friend, or student) to ask you questions, express interest, or relate the story to something they have experienced or want to share. It's no fun to just sit there and listen and get all the answers. So, you say "Oh that painting reminds me of my undergraduate thesis which I wrote on obscure Celtic folklore." Maybe the person knows about Celtic folklore, and can then ask you "Oh, how did you choose between Ceridwen and Taliesin and Oisín as your topic" or they may have no clue about Celtic folklore, in which case they might say "Oh, where were you in college?" and bring the conversation to a place where you're more likely to actually be able to share something with each other.

2--Similarly, when someone tells you a six second story, and leaves an opening for you to interject, this is not the time for you to take over the conversation, it's the time for you to ask them questions, add your experience, etc, but briefly and as a way of expressing an interest in what they are saying. You don't have to tell them everything you know.

3--Even if not telling a "story" per se, leave gaps that enable other people to join in the conversation. Notice body language and eye contact. If people aren't engaged, don't try to hold them onto you by continuing to talk. Open some space for them to say something, or to let you know that they have to go, or whatever. Try not to control them through your words.

4--Don't "bump words". That is, if someone's talking, don't interrupt them, even if you are sure what they're saying is wrong, and you need to correct them, or you think that what you have to say is going to be important or more interesting. That said, if someone is rambling on-and-on-and-on at you, you need to find the space to interject yourself into the conversation. This can be really hard--the whole thing about conversation is that all the participants need to participate!
posted by gubenuj at 4:46 PM on February 18 [7 favorites]

Actually giving a damn what people have to say. Note that this goes beyond just 'listening' or 'asking questions', which we often just do because that's what we're supposed to do in social situations. If you actually take an interest in a person, and are receptive to what they're trying to tell you, they will pick up on that.
posted by Broseph at 4:57 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

To me, social skills are just the ability to treat the person I'm talking to as if they are at least as important as I am. I'm not all that. You probably aren't either. Treat people like you want them to treat you, and everything else should fall in line.

That sounds kind of hokey but it works for me. If I want to tell someone about my weekend, I ask how theirs was too. If I don't feel like talking, I don't encourage conversation. If I'm a dick to someone I apologize. As long as I do what I think is right, I'm usually okay.
posted by lyssabee at 5:49 PM on February 18

Thanks so far! This has been really useful.

I do have to say (specifically about teaching-related skills) I... sort of wonder if I should give up...?? Because I'm nowhere near ready to operate at full capacity with the impressive list of skills a teacher should have, and there's going to be a steep learning curve and I sort of shudder when I think of my students being subjected to me... I guess that's why I said necessary; I gather that what's truly necessary is that the students know I care what they have to say & believe they can do it. At least, I hope that's enough of a foundation.


Anyway, I wanted to add/reiterate that the problem is not a lack of ability to put myself into others' shoes (ie, empathy), but may indeed be a lack of desire to put myself 'out there' and thus confront the anxiety of rejection. However,

Treat people like you want them to treat you, and everything else should fall in line.

I've found this in particular to be a problem, social-skills-wise. For example, I don't want people to ask me personal questions, or even necessarily to call me by name all the time; I realize this is what others want, but I actually don't want it from others. Every time someone asks me what college I went to (for example), I sigh inside; I'm just not that interested in these sorts of details. Ironically, I am interested in others (lack of questioning aside) and am happy to listen-- I just don't like asking, and will work on the personal-but-not-invasive stance.
posted by reenka at 5:58 PM on February 18 [1 favorite]

There's going to be a steep learning curve in any profession you start - hang in there and you will be okay. My list is just a list of some of the social elements of teaching and classroom dynamics you will want to pay attention to and develop your skills in. Every teacher has to learn classroom management, for example, and your supervisors and mentors should have good tips for you.
posted by LobsterMitten at 6:11 PM on February 18

I think 'necessary' is a strong word, too. We've all had teachers and classmates with better or worse social skills. There's a spectrum, and while you need to hit some basic threshold of appropriate behavior there's a lot of room where you can get better or worse without being a failure. Those are still relevant skills, since you presumably want to be more than baseline adequate, but adequate is a good place to start.
posted by Lady Li at 10:23 PM on February 18

I'm taking a class in "social competency interventions" right now. The discipline is special education, but so far the professor and text authors' message seems to be that social skills really aren't well-defined even by people who ARE highly socially competent. So don't worry if you're having trouble defining them!

(And not wanting to be asked personal questions or to be an extrovert is fine. I think there is a skill, or art, though, to giving answers to personal questions that kind of skim the personal territory and then go on to something else. Say someone is asking about your family or romantic partner; you can give a minimal reply and then bring up something else, i.e., "Did you know [coworker X] is one of ten kids?" or "Actually I'm in a relationship, but what I don't like about Valentine's Day is the cheap low-quality chocolate, you know?")

One problem mentioned a lot in class is understanding social reciprocity in conversations, and terminating conversations and interactions at the expected/appropriate time. Specific related skills might be judging whether someone expects a short answer or a long one when they ask you a question; "reading" people's body language as you speak to them to gauge whether they understand or don't understand what you're saying; and picking up their subtle, often nonverbal cues that you've gone on too long. Maybe they fidget, or inhale deeply as if they're about to speak, or narrow their eyes.

You mentioned "rambling." It's OK and even expected in some social contexts. Say you're out to lunch with a group and you only know one or two of the others very well: you don't want any one person to monopolize the conversation, but everyone may ramble a bit 'cause they'd prefer that to an awkward silence. My personal social circle includes former philosophy majors and the like who argue good-naturedly for fun, and in that context they do expect relative conciseness and for your points to make some sense; I think this will be the expectation of both teachers and students in most college classes.

I'm not sure if you mean you might be teaching younger people down the road (younger than college students, I mean)? If you're actually in the position of instructing THEM in social skills, I guess the general principles to impart are: Most of us develop social skills without thinking about them explicitly--but some people don't. Nobody is an expert...we can all use some improvement. Defusing tension with humor is important, and trying to keep already-anxious kids from being further embarrassed is important too.
posted by homelystar at 12:11 PM on February 19

it sounds like you are able to read what is going on, but not able to govern your behavior according to your awareness.

For example, you may read that the person is bored and confused, and yet you continue your rambling story.

The "executive function" in your mind notes that the Audience is unhappy. At that point, you need to review alternatives which would lead to a desired outcome. Then you need to choose the best alternative, and execute it.

Your mind is the boss of you.
posted by ohshenandoah at 12:47 PM on February 19

Your mind is the boss of you.

Maybe it's too late to be asking this, but could some of this difficulty be an ADD-related thing? Should I be looking for ADD-specific ways of getting better at like, doing stuff I'm aware I should probably do....?

I kind of haven't found my mind is the boss of me, or maybe it is, and "I" am not my mind. Anyway, the 'terminating' thing is a real problem in part because it requires decisive executive action and mental effort; it sounds bad when I say it like that, but that's difficult for me. I should try talking to people while on drugs for ADD, I guess....
posted by reenka at 1:04 PM on February 19

For example, I don't want people to ask me personal questions, or even necessarily to call me by name all the time; I realize this is what others want, but I actually don't want it from others.

You say you don't have a problem with empathy or putting yourself in others' shoes, but part of putting yourself in someone's shoes is recognising that they are different to you and adjusting for that. Sometimes I make comments to my Dad about the fortunes of Tottenham Hotspur (eg 'I hear they won a game! You must be happy!') Now, I really don't give two figs for Tottenham Hotspur or any football team or any sports at all, and he knows this, and in fact I don't have much knowledge about the subject and can't say that much on the subject. But I am showing him that I care that his wishes are satisfied even when they are wishes I do not share or even understand. I say basically idiotic things about his football team, and he smiles because he understands that what I'm really telling him is that I care about him in a way that recognises that he is a separate person from me, with his own needs and desires and projects.

People will be put off if you don't ever give evidence that you are prepared to put aside your own interests in a conversation. They prefer it if you show at least a little bit of this abstract care for their preferences, and occasionally put their preferences before your own. This isn't because of 'rules', or because they want you to have certain 'skills'. It's because you are sending them signals about whether you are capable about caring for things besides yourself. You need to show that you can do this in a conversation, because otherwise it will be difficult for them to trust you when it's something more serious than a conversation. This isn't something you can really afford to 'give up' on, because it's not really a game. It's a prerequisite for making meaningful connections with people, and also sort of a moral obligation you have as a person who interacts with people.
posted by Acheman at 7:18 AM on February 20 [3 favorites]

Sorry if this counts as thread-sitting, but just in case someone still reads this post: I was specifically asking about skills because I find general behests to care, or show I care, etc, to be unhelpfully broad and sometimes 'loaded'. That is to say, people assume I feel X when I say/don't say Y, and I know that, but for my purposes knowing this isn't useful. First, I know this already, and second, it makes me anxious as I have a gulf between knowing and applying. Saying there is no gulf and people naturally express care in certain ways is thus clearly contradicted by my experience; this is where skill comes in, for when things require conscious effort, they are skill rather than instinct. I also disagree on the moral aspect, as is my right-- morality is not an objective truth.

To further clarify, by 'problem' in 'just using the Golden Rule' I was responding to a specific post, and I never stated I think I should assume everyone's like me but the opposite. I full well know most people aren't like me in their needs and desires; I know it very very well. I can't even say I don't want to give them what they want (sometimes). But wishing and doing is not one thing to me. That's why it's a skill.
posted by reenka at 3:41 PM on February 20