Guys keep rejecting me; am I hideous?
posted by anonymous to Human Relations (45 answers total) 5 users marked this as a favorite
Well, the question was rather abrupt- I will try to explain more fully.
My situation is that over the past several years, I have developed close friendships with guys and then developed romantic feelings for them; however, every single time I tell them of my feelings, the guy tells me he only thinks of me as a friend.
I always read/hear that when men and women become friends, often the guy will harbor feelings for the girl, unless she is physically unattractive. Yeah, I know that's a sexist oversimplification, but it still nags at me and makes me wonder if I am just not physically attractive.
Some relevant information:
1. (this is kind of huge) So, I have a lot of younger friends (I am now 34). I've had younger friends for several years due to the fact that in the country I live in (of which I am not a citizen) I am often around schools and teaching, and people my age tend to be married with kids already. So...and this will probably jump out at a lot of people- I have befriended male coworkers, classmates, tutorees, ad (in one case) a student) who were all much younger than me, like 4, 8, 10, and 12 years younger. But in all of these cases, honestly, the guy and I became close friends and related mostly like peers...well, but sometimes the relationships did not start off as peers, they were more mentor-mentee type. I look younger than I am. But there you go- by and large, these are the guys I am talking about here and feel free to comment on why I am going after this type of guy.
2. I know the age difference is probably a huge thing and some people may even think I am creepy because of it. But with all of these guys, we eventually became really close, talking about every topic under the sun. Often they would want to be physically close in small ways like sitting near me, leaning on me, etc. Sometimes they would stare at parts of my body at different times. (yet all were clear in the end that they were not interested in a romantic or physical relationship)
3. There have been other guys who have shown interest in me, but never guys that I was friends with.
4. I know this situation sounds really weird. I think may of you will say I should stop interacting with this younger guys in such intimate ways, and I think you are right. But can you help me figure out why I do this? I think I like helping them and almost being a mother figure to them. That's sort of my personality type. I have read that putting others before yourself can actually be a turn-off in terms of sexual attraction.
4. Then I think, well, yeah, they're younger, but they're all adults technically and guys are visual, if I were sexy enough they would be attracted, right? Or perhaps this is just coming from the sexist, always-horny guy fallacy.
5. How I look: Hard to objectively describe this. I care a lot about my health and I work out' every day , but I don't have the body many people associate with that. I am an hourglass US size 12. I wear very little to no makeup. My hair type is frizzy and curly and hard to manage, although I try. I wear glasses. I have some pleasant facial features but I'm not sure most people would describe me pretty. I have nice skin and a large chest.
Last part of question: why do I keep thinking these guys are romantically interested when they are not? In the last case, which was pretty devastating, the guy and I knew each other for over 2 years. He had a girlfriend during that time. He recently broke up with her, and I told him how I felt,and he said that he never had romantic or sexual feelings for me. But if you asked me whether he did before, I would have replied that surely he did. I thought i knew, based on the way he looked at me, was around me, touched me in small ways...I really thought the feelings were mutual. And now tat I know they were not I feel like I am a little bit crazy. What made me think the feelings were mutual for so long and how can I prevent that from happening again? In the other cases, I always thought the feelings were mutual as well! I feel so confused by this. What's wrong with my inuition??
thanks for reading my question.