Confused about potentially nonconsensual sex, how to deal?
January 2, 2013 7:13 AM Subscribe
Someone had sex with me even though I said "no" multiple times, but I was drunk and my memories of the event are completely foggy, especially the moment of penetration. This happened several months ago and I have been completely ignoring it, but in the past few days told my partner and now feel completely confused. What do I call this? Is this rape or a confused moment that turned nonconsensual by accident? Especially confused about how to interact and think about the other person involved.
posted by anonymous to human relations (57 answers total) 9 users marked this as a favorite
I am a 25 year old female with in an open relationship with a man. I have never been sexually assualted before. This situation occured in a large walk in closet and myself and the other person involved were both pretty drunk.
At a party a few months ago, I went off to a dark corner with a good friend of mine to make out. We'd done this kind of thing a few times before and it was always fun and not problematic. This time he really wanted to have intercourse, but I did not and told him so, multiple times (no condom, STDs, not into casual intercourse, etc). He "played" at physically forcing me to have sex with him and at first I was laughing and the feeling was very jokey, but then it started to feel too real and I got upset and told him to stop in a firm tone. He stopped and apologized.
However, he continued talking about sex and explaining why he probably didn't have STDs. We were sort of touching and making out sporadically during this part but not intensely. This is where I lose track of things: suddenly he was inside of me. I do not remember how it happened. It was not violent but I know I never gave him a "Yes". I did not tell him to stop once he was already having sex with me because it seemed kind of pointless. I did not respond to him having sex with me enthusiastically, but I don't know if I just laid there entirely passively either. I can't really remember. I remember him finishing on the floor, getting dressed and walking out and saying something along the lines of "Well! Finally had sex with [my name]" to me, sort of in triumph.
I feel unhappy with what happened but its not interrupting my life. I don't know if this is a question that makes sense to ask, but I just want to know what happened. What is this called? How can I think about it if I can't remember vital details that would distinguish drunken mishaps from rape? I want to talk to people about it more but I am so afraid of making a big deal. I'm afraid my memories aren't accurate and I could really mess with the other person's life.
I read a lot of things about consent and rape, I would call myself a feminist. So I'm familiar with the idea that a lot of what I'm saying falls really neatly into rape culture conditioning. But I also really cannot remember, and so much of this seems ambiguous. There are grey areas, this may be one - so how do I deal with it?
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