How to mentally and emotionally re-break up with someone?

May 12, 2007 6:38 AM

Loved him, resented him, detached from him, hated him, but I'm back to loving him: How to re-ex someone you loved, lost, and loved again?

My first and only relationship lasted through college and almost a year after graduation. It was unhealthily co-dependent and we never developed as people. We both needed to separate and become our own entities and develop as individuals outside the realm of the relationship and so we broke up last summer, for multiple reasons. We did the standard non-talking for a while, and then started talking every now and then. And then a little more frequently. And then even more frequently (everyday, or multiple times a day).

He came up to visit me on a whim and he was...fun. Not uptight, not...well, not being classically him. I think I've changed too and so it was the first really good time we'd had together since, oh, maybe the 2nd year of our relationship. No fights, and the sex was AMAZING. And for once, we were on the same page...loved each other, but didn't want to be with each other. He's my best friend, and I've known him long enough to know when he's lying...I know he genuinely felt this way and I felt closer to him then ever. But I didn't want to be with him. If we got back together now, it'd be doomed before it began.

Here's the thing - I was in some sort of blissed out state of back burner romance for a while. I didn't want anyone else, but I was fine with our situation. But the afterglow of the visit is wearing off, and its really starting to hurt. I'm more in love than I remember having been before, and I'm terrified I'm not going to find anyone like him, or love anyone more. Without a conscious decision to do so, we're back to some pseudo long distance thing which is NOT what I want at all, and so our really open post visit discourse has been replaced by him being distant (and when he gets distant, I get needy. vicious cycle). At the same time I'm starting to get paranoid/jealous about/of girls he likes. I'm subconsciously trying to find a way back to where he is (I'd like to move back to where he is, really, but if its tied in any way to him and we don't ever work out...well, that would be bad, ya know?)

I know first and foremost I should stop talking to him (again. the first time I even went out and bought "Don't Call That Man" to help me out. The sheer embarrassment of having bought such a book made me not call him for a while.)

But right now I'm going through stuff only he can understand. I want his opinions, and his advice. I want my friend. I just want to stop loving my friend and needing his validation.

I know there have been tons of these threads in the past (I've been reading through them), and I'm sorry to add another one into the mix. Its just hard because it feels like we're breaking up all over again...but I feel I have no right to be upset because we've already broken up the once, and this time, there isn't anything TO break up. Without being too chatfilter-y, does anyone have suggestions about my conundrum or anecdotal advice about how you went about (re)severing these ties?

thanks in advance

Also, advice similar to "the only way to get over someone is to get under someone else," while amusing, is not what I need right now. I've tried it. It doesn't work for me.

posted by anonymous to Human Relations (13 answers total)

You got back with him, essentially. You're more open this time, and you started repeating old patterns that felt good last time.

You know you need to give him some space, so I wont reiterate that (any more than I just did). But what I think you might also need is to validate yourself. That way, you can have your friend, without wanting him to "fill in the gap".

I went through a similar thing, and I found Love 101 really helpful.
posted by Solomon at 6:51 AM on May 12, 2007

I've been thtrough a love/breakup/love/breakup/love/rinse/repeat routine two years ago. It was so full of passion, that two relationships later, I still feel sensible in that area.

In fact the possibility of being in the general vicinity of this person possibly tonight is makingt me nervous.

So my advice would be : find something permanent for this relation as soon as possible because in the end each of theses cycles will hurt more and more.

Hoping my two cents helped
posted by Baud at 7:10 AM on May 12, 2007

I just got done reading something on the internets regarding chemical attatchments during sex-basically, your body secretes substances designed to make you feel all bonded to your partner. (Seems like I saw this on one of the major news sites, I forget which.)

I'll let you figger this out yourself.
posted by konolia at 8:27 AM on May 12, 2007

I was in a codependent relationship for a long time, with lots of breaking up and getting back together. I didn't break the pattern until I got some counseling to figure out what was missing in my life and in myself that made me keep going back. The counseling not only helped me stabilize my feelings about the relationship (in my case that meant breaking off the relationship for good), but it also helped me become the person I feel like I'm supposed to be -- confident, secure, and able to connect with people (other than my ex) much more easily. Good luck!
posted by pitseleh at 8:45 AM on May 12, 2007

But right now I'm going through stuff only he can understand. I want his opinions, and his advice. I want my friend. I just want to stop loving my friend and needing his validation.

If you want to stop needing his validation, you need to find other people to speak to. As much as you think he is the only person who can understand, there have to be other people you know who can relate and listen. The first step in making a relationship not co-dependent is for you to step back and find other people you can find support in. When you have clarity without dependence is when you can figure out what your relationship with him should look like.
posted by piratebowling at 9:12 AM on May 12, 2007

I want my friend.

You can't have him. (At least not for a good, long while.) He's gone. When he doesn't give you what you want or need, that's just part of who he is. Even if it's not a "standard" breakup, this is a significant loss and it hurts.

There's why this is so hard (and yes: been there, done that, recently took several of the t-shirts to goodwill): the person you go to for comfort is the same person who generates discomfort to begin with. The only way to start getting yourself back together is to call a full moratorium on all contact. I know that it's a simple thing to say and an intensely difficult thing to do, but there really is no way to sidestep it.

When I was in a similar boat after my last (excruciating, drawn-out, took-a-few-times-to-stick-because-he's-the-only-person-who-gets-me) breakup, a friend of mine used a handy image that kept me from reinitiating contact with my ex. "Every call or email is like setting back your odometer to zero," he said. "And you need that odometer to get several thousand miles on it!"

So every time I thought of calling during those 8 months, I envisioned racking up miles on the odometer. Silly, maybe, but it was a mental trick that helped (even if just a tiny bit) in those moments of terrible frustration and fear that I wouldn't be able to stand it. (And keep in mind: the fear of not being able to stand it isn't the same thing as not actually being able to stand it.)

I'm good friends now with my ex-boyfriend, but it took a moratorium of ZERO contact for about 8 months (and another couple of years of only fleeting contact after that) to get to this point. It also took a concerted effort to find other friends I could rely on, other activities/achievements that would generate a sense of validation without him, and hard work with a very good therapist.

Good luck.
posted by scody at 10:03 AM on May 12, 2007 [13 favorites]

1) Rule number 157 of life: don't have sexes with exes. It's weird and uncomfortable at some point almost every time.

2) A psychologist, priest, mullah, or rabbi is probably the person you need to talk to. You can't explain it in a post shorter than 1,000 words, and that's far too long for an Ask Metafilter post. You'll have to sit down with somebody for at least an hour or so before they really start to see what's going on and are able to advise you in any real way.
posted by koeselitz at 10:14 AM on May 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

One more thing:

I'm more in love than I remember having been before, and I'm terrified I'm not going to find anyone like him, or love anyone more.

I was terrified of the exact same thing. I was positive I'd never love anyone ever, ever, ever again, and no one would ever, ever, ever love me (and certainly that no one could ever, ever, ever be as amazing as my ex).

I was -- like everyone who's ever feared the same thing when their hearts are broken -- utterly and completely wrong.

I know the fear you feel may make you believe you'll be the one exception in this history of relationships, but I promise you: you won't be. You'll love and be loved again. In time.

Stupid time. /Homer Simpson
posted by scody at 10:58 AM on May 12, 2007 [2 favorites]

You know, people always say 'I know how you're feeling' and I know the first thing you think is 'hell no you don't, how could you?" So, let me phrase it thusly: God I can sympathize.

I was in a co-dependent relationship and he was the first thing, last thing, best friend, boyfriend, everything. He cheated, I left and afterwards all I wanted was to be back with him. I knew it was wrong but to lose my best friend and fiance all in the same blow? Unthinkable. My mom finally put me out of my misery by "taking away" my cell phone so I couldn't call him.

If it goes bad once I have never seen it fix itself. Partners don't change. I made it 7 yrs with that guy, through high school and college and the same gripes I had with him at the start, I had at the end. I could shake the cage a little and he'd be great for a little while. 2 weeks max I'd say. Then he'd slide right into the things that made me so hurt/angry. Sometimes two people are just toxic together.

You will, you will, you will find another love. It's impossible to imagine loving someone the way you love him, I know it, but it happens. And I'm telling you when you find that next one, you will shake your head and wonder why you worked so hard, so long with the ex to make it work. Because hopefully that new love will work with you and not against you to make things work.

Turn the page. Cut him off and start the task of living each day for yourself and regrouping. Put one foot in front of the other. The ache doesn't go away quickly but it does fade. It helped me to focus on the bad shit and try to turn some of that love to hate. That at least helped me keep away from him.

Apologies for the length. You hit a nerve. ;) I feel for you girl. Please do it for yourself. You deserve some peace.
posted by CwgrlUp at 12:58 PM on May 12, 2007 [4 favorites]

So many women answered this thread that it scares me. And you can count me in the group of , "Oh my god, I've been there." I'm actually there now, and thought of writing a similar question, though I really know the answer:

Cut him out of your life. Completely.

BUT if you do it blindly, your world will seem grey and dark and you will lose yourself for a while. And that's the worst thing that can happen, because you will associate those feelings with losing him, and you will think you made a mistake and want him back. When, really, your world isn't empty because he isn't there. It's empty because there isn't enough of you just now to fill in the gap yourself. No man--or woman--is an island.

What you need is a support group--a whole bunch of friends who understand you, and preferably at least one who is female. Because any guy that "gets" you like this guy did will be poison for you as a friend: you'll want him just as much as you wanted this guy, and what happens when THAT one doesn't work out? That new ache won't go away, either. (Not very optimistic, I know.)

Surround yourself with people, NOW. Search on every keyword interest you have, in multiples, and join forums and chat rooms, or go out every night until you find a place you can hang out with people and just be yourself. Maybe no other person will get you like this guy did, but several friends will, and that's all that's going to do it. Put your support group in place NOW, so you can get the courage to cut this chord that keeps drawing you back to him. I'm telling myself the same thing, and it's hard and it sucks, but it's true.
posted by misha at 2:20 PM on May 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

Man, this guy has done a number on you. Few guys can emotionally fuck up an ex-girlfriend like your ex-boyfriend has managed.

Post break-up, the rules of decency go out the window, especially if the first break-up was more your idea than his (you don't really say in your question). Because to a guy, the ex-girlfriend is a unique beast, one to whom he can say and do whatever he pleases. There is no need to be honest, because he is not planning on having a long, trusting relationship with the ex-girlfriend. He will happily tell you whatever you want to hear, while thinking something completely different.

Having sex and then being distant? We know what that does to a girl, but the ex-girlfriend is the only one that we will do it to completely guilt free. And can you blame him? You're saying right now that you don't want a relationship with him, that you don't want to be in love with him, that in fact you want to re-break up with him. He probably doesn't trust you as far as he could kick you.

I've seen all sorts of weird and wonderful relationships people have managed to have with their exes, so anything is possible. But you need to know exactly what you want before you can start directing the situation the way you want. I don't think you have to re-break up with him, because by your own admission, there isn't anything TO break up. If you want to remain friends, treat him like a friend.
posted by kisch mokusch at 7:26 PM on May 12, 2007 [1 favorite]

To clarify:

I don't mean to say that you're not treating him like a friend, I mean to say stop treating him like he's more than a friend.
posted by kisch mokusch at 7:28 PM on May 12, 2007

It was unhealthily co-dependent and we never developed as people.

This is a common misuse of a word, but: what you're describing isn't codependency. Codependent would be if your boyfriend used drugs and you got a job to help him pay for them.
posted by Violet Hour at 11:24 PM on May 12, 2007