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I'm not fully attracted to the girl I am dating, but I love her personality and we get along great, what do I do?
June 24, 2012 1:48 PM   Subscribe

I'm not fully attracted to the girl I am dating, but I love her personality and we get along great, what do I do?

I've been dating this woman I met online now for about one month now and I'll be honest when it comes to the physical attraction I just don't find her as attractive as I want to find a girl I date to be.

I find myself looking at other women when we go out together and I feel horrible because I know I feel unsatisfied.

However she is not so unattractive to me that I can't think about having sex with her, in fact I've slept with her twice and I do find her body attractive.

I love petite women, and she is a little thick and has curly hair and has fat on her face. On top of that she doesn't dress up to much when we go out.

I find myself looking at women who wear high heels and black dresses and saying in my mind, wow look at her she is HOT!. I don't feel the same way when I look at this woman I am dating. I so badly want to feel that way however.

A part of me however is feeling like I'm being overly superficial because when it comes to our personalities, we are so compatible, we laugh at the same things, we have similar views on things and we just really love spending time together. We are goofy together and I really like that.

I went on a couple of dates with some other women and even though they might have been more attractive, I wanted to leave because I just didn't connect with them.

What do I do because I feel so torn
posted by curious-mind to Human Relations (65 answers total) 7 users marked this as a favorite
 
She deserves someone who thinks she's the bee's knees. Imagine how she would feel if she read this question. It's only been a month - cut her loose, but under no circumstances tell her why.
posted by desjardins at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2012 [72 favorites]


Please break up with her.
posted by KogeLiz at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


First if all, she may be disappointed in your looks, but she's mature enough to realize that looks aren't everything.

Lots of people are attractive, but the don't have the spark, wit or intelligence to hold our interest.

If this is a deal-breaker for you, don't be selfish, break up now so that she can find a guy who will appreciate her and feel lucky to be her boyfriend (or girlfriend)
posted by Ruthless Bunny at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2012 [9 favorites]


I don't think there is anything wrong with you for not being attracted to this particular girl. If you are attracted to women who are petite, and wear high heels, or black dresses, why not date someone like that? I don't think it's right to date someone who doesn't match that as long as you still feel like you are "settling" in a way. I mean your tastes may change with time and you may find as you get older that's not so important to you, but right now it is so you shouldn't do that. Instead you should work on the things that are preventing you from dating the black dress women. Do you need to work on your social skills, shyness, appearance? Just throwing some ideas out there for what might be stopping you from dating them.
posted by cairdeas at 1:59 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


If you stay with her, then please stop this: I find myself looking at other women when we go out together and I feel horrible because I know I feel unsatisfied.

(You're not feeling horrible for the right reason.)
posted by Houstonian at 2:00 PM on June 24, 2012 [34 favorites]


Does she know you like high heels and black dresses? Not every guy does, and while I wouldn't change my entire style for some guy I just met, I might be willing to slip into something slinky to make my BF happy.
posted by Ideefixe at 2:02 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


You break up with her ASAP.

You should be with someone you're attracted to. She deserves to be with someone who's attracted to her. How do you think she would feel if she knew how you feel?

If you didn't click with the other women you went out with, keep looking. You need someone whose personality you click with and whom you find attractive.
posted by J. Wilson at 2:04 PM on June 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


All of your previous posts are related to your insecurity with women. I think that something needs to change, because you've been beating yourself over the head ever since you joined this site. Stop dating this women (and all women) and start improving yourself. I think you need to find a therapist AND one or two hobbies. You're in Long Island, so why not join a sailing or bicycling club? Once you start achieving things that you can be proud of, you won't feel like you need to settle for a woman who isn't right for you. Your description of her sounds like she is a curvy, cute, and fun woman with beautiful hair. She will easily find another man. You need time to focus on what matters to you and to become confident enough to go after what you really want.
posted by 200burritos at 2:12 PM on June 24, 2012 [23 favorites]


It's fine not to find people attractive for whatever reason. That's what people mean when they say "no chemistry."

Making a list if what you don't dig and telling other people about it is the weird bit. Anyway, she's not for you and you're not for her, and there are other fish in the sea. You should end things, but for Christ's sake don't give her your laundry list of idiosyncratic preferences. "You're a beautiful woman, and you're bright and funny and kind, but I'm just not feeling the spark, and I want to be fair to both of us, so I think we should move on."
posted by Sidhedevil at 2:14 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I'm going to buck the trend here. There are lightning bolts and then there are slow burns. And real personality compatibility is hard to come by. The looking at other women is pretty normal 2 months into a new thing. You're checking options & making sure you feel right about moving ahead with this one. If you're invested in her personality and you like the sex, you're not doing anyone any harm by sticking it out and seeing if your attraction to her grows.

Why don't you take her out somewhere formal? A very nice dinner or the symphony or something. A situation where you could say: "Hey, dress up tonight. I'm taking you out somewhere awesome." And why don't you try really investing in her physical appearance? Not focusing on the stuff that is out of line with what you're normally into, but the things that you dig about her body?

Don't run from or make excuses for the things that bug you. Drill in and see if they're really dealbreakers. If you're still on the fence in a month or so, then it's probably time to say goodbye. But I think 2 months and 2 rolls in the sack is way too early to give up on someone you feel comfortable being close to.
posted by R. Schlock at 2:16 PM on June 24, 2012 [15 favorites]


Well, this could be the beginning of your own maturation. You could be gaining some emotional and intellectual personal growth, changing your mindset, and coming to realize that being attracted to the quality of a person over little black dresses and hot bodies is definitely something to consider. The former things are more permanent, the latter can be fleeting. For a long-term relationship, if that's what you're looking for, that could be a wise choice.

But, because dating women you find hot, and hoping they'll also have similar good qualities is also a completely valid pursuit - you should not keep her on your scales while waiting for someone ore something else to tip them. Cut bait, and keep fishing - it doesn't mean you can't try to catch her again when you're able to bring your own certainty to the table. But it's unfair to keep her dangling while you decide.
posted by peagood at 2:21 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


A part of me however is feeling like I'm being overly superficial

This is a mistake. When it comes to dating, the best you can do is to pursue what you want. Not what anyone else says you should want. Applying an adjective to yourself ("superficial") is not part of pursuing what you want. If you want to be with someone who's more physically attractive to you, stop dating her and look for someone else.

By the way, everyone is "superficial" — it's pointless to worry about this. There is no definitive answer to the question of how important looks should be to you. Anyone who says you care too much about looks really just means they don't care as much about looks, or they wish they didn't. Again, you have to pursue what you want, not what someone else claims you should want. The word "superficial" is a distraction from what really matters.

There is nothing nice or charitable about staying with someone who you consider overweight. I mean, do you think she'd have trouble finding someone else? No, there are many people who would find her attractive. Those people would not be writing on the internet about how she doesn't look good enough — they'd be perfectly happy with the amount of fat on her body and face. By staying with her, you'd just be foreclosing the possibility of her finding someone who would actually appreciate her.

(Of course, if this were just about not dressing up when you go out, that might be easily fixed. I'm assuming that isn't the main problem. If the whole issue were that she hasn't worn a black dress, you could simply suggest that she wear a black dress. The fact that you took the trouble to post this question, contrasting her "thick" appearance with the "petite" women you are attracted to, etc., suggests that you are truly not attracted to her.)
posted by John Cohen at 2:22 PM on June 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


Is this the same woman who you had doubts about a few weeks ago because she's 31? She deserves to be with someone who truly appreciates her.
posted by mochapickle at 2:25 PM on June 24, 2012 [8 favorites]


I was very flat chested when I first got with the future ex. Like most men, that was not exactly his ideal. With having kids, I filled out, much to his approval and delight. Bodies change. Clothes is very easily changed. Furthermore, what turns you on can also change if you really, really like someone and spend a lot of time with them.

But you can't force it either.

I spent considerable time with a man who liked things about me I had never liked about myself. He asked nicely to see me in ways he liked, for me to show off my body for him. And then he was very generous with praise and with telling me what it meant for him and how it made him feel. It changed how I saw,myself and how I felt about my body.

No man had ever made me feel good before about showing myself to him. Everyone told me I was beautiful but men made me feel used, not satisfied with it, and women were hostile and jealous. He made me feel lovely and sexy and made me feel wonderful for feeling that way. I was happy to show my body off for him (privately) in the ways he asked and wear things he asked me to wear and buy clothes of the sort he liked.

You could nicely let her know what sorts of things you think look sexy and that you value her personality and would take more pleasure in her company if she would accommodate a few reasonable requests. You could read "Joy of Sex" together (in part because it suggests that people should accommodate reasonable requests of this sort, in part because it can be a sexy bonding experience). You could take her shopping and buy her some of the types of things that you find head turning and eye catching.

Go heavy on the praise in an honest, meaningful way and don't make her feel criticized. Do not ask her to lose weight or exercise for you. Focus on the things you like about her. Make her feel wonderful for taking her clothes off for you. Gently encourage her to dress more like you prefer.

It isn't easy finding the connection you two have. All relationships require work if they have any hope of being long term and happy. Even with work, it may fail. But I personally think it is worth giving it a shot and maybe growing in the process. (Remember, if it turns into long term commitment, no one looks the same ten or twenty years down the road.)

Best of luck, whatever you decide.
posted by Michele in California at 2:29 PM on June 24, 2012 [7 favorites]


After examining your other questions, you seem really insecure, lacking in confidence, and inexperienced. So the only thing I want to add to my advice to cut her loose is: Ask yourself whether you truly are not attracted to her. Are you attracted to her but some part of you thinks you should not be because the ideal is supposed to be a slim hottie in a little black dress? You're enjoying the sex and her company. Simply noticing and looking at other women doesn't necessarily mean you're not attracted to the woman you're with.

So yeah, if you're not attracted to her, you both need better. But if it's really just that you actually think society doesn't deem her a 10 or whatever, you might be able to get over that while you're with her (and certainly you will as you mature).
posted by J. Wilson at 2:30 PM on June 24, 2012


I'm torn, because you should absolutely date someone you're attracted to (I feel sorry for both of you here), but on the other hand, "curly hair" is not usually something I hear as a major turn-off. It does sound like your standards are a little narrow. This may not ever change, but it also might be a difficulty of separating fantasy from reality, or something. Sometimes a desire for status (in the people we date) is so strong that seeing anything that might garner social disapproval actually creates a visceral disinterest. I don't say this to shame you, but just because I know a lot of people who are into obviously very culturally determined beauty/status markers, and I do wonder sometimes how flexible that is.

I would maybe not continue with this relationship. If you really need a woman who fits a certain set of physical criteria, she's out there somewhere. On the other hand, you might consider changing what squicks you out about this girl-- I used to have a massive aversion to certain types of hands (and feet, Shallow Hal much?), but when I realized how ridiculous and shallow I was being and really focused on accepting my partner's appearance, suddenly it really didn't matter anymore. I really didn't care, and I looked at him without that disgust. The same thing happened when I decided to stop hating certain things about myself. I think if we can grow to accept the way we look, we can grow to accept how others look too. (Because I think it's less that you're deeply incompatible than that certain things like fat or curly hair maybe flip an aversion switch for you.)

But it's totally okay if you're unhappy and you'd rather be with someone more attractive to you.
posted by stoneandstar at 2:33 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also, I've been with several guys who didn't flip the "HOT!!!" switch for me. It's not always necessary to have the most "objectively" attractive woman in the room, but I feel like if you had stronger feelings/better chemistry, she'd come out a lot more favorably. Some kind of need is not being fulfilled, even if that need is just status. It could also be something like incompatible goals and values, since you seem to value physical appearance much more strongly than she does. There's nothing wrong with wanting some reciprocation. Are you attractive and well-dressed, too?
posted by stoneandstar at 2:36 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Your last question about age had a lot to do with how your woman reflected on YOU. I can't help feeling like this is the same issue. You basically have no problem with how she looks and you enjoy the sex, but in public you feel you're missing out on the attention and status that would be conferred onto you if you were dating someone who fit these other ideals.

The funny thing is that the only people who would care would be really insecure or superficial people. I don't want to say "people just like you" because I really don't intend to sound insulting, but really, if the whole point of being with a "hot" woman is to elevate your status in the eyes of other men, is that really compatible with any sort of actual romantic relationship with a real live woman?
posted by hermitosis at 2:48 PM on June 24, 2012 [36 favorites]


Why do you keep going out on dates and sleeping with women whom you're not particularly attracted to? That's the part of your personality I find hard to understand and where I think the heart of your insecurity lies. Do you think other people will judge you negatively if you don't hook up a certain number of times per year?
posted by wolfdreams01 at 2:56 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


Please break up with this girl. Even if you are finally becoming more mature, don't waste her time as you do it.
posted by These Birds of a Feather at 2:58 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


Break up with her.
posted by two lights above the sea at 3:02 PM on June 24, 2012


I'm of the opinion that being attracted to someone on the basis of personality is more important than looks. You can fall for someone whose particular looks you are not into if your personalities are compatible but I think it's less likely for you to fall for someone whose looks are right up your alley but personality is less attractive to you. And it's only been a month - as long as you're honest with her about your feelings without being mean or cruel, I think that's fair. Slow down and enjoy yourselves, there's no rush, etc. My brother's biggest movie star crush is Anne Hathaway. His girlfriend is blonde and blue eyed but she's just a wonderful girl so it doesn't matter.

That said, I think it's mean to be with someone and checking out other girls. I know to some extent, you can't control it but I think to the extent that you can control it, you should. That is not fair to her and if you can't stop doing it, you should break up.

Also, I'll agree that there's a decent chance that your standards are too high. Why aren't you seeing someone as hot as you want? You've been on dates but didn't find them as interesting as this woman. It's possible that the woman who is as hot as you want and has the personality you want doesn't exist or, if she does exist, is not interested in you.
posted by kat518 at 3:07 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Uh, if you don't find her attractive, don't find yourself dating her. Nobody wins here.
posted by oceanjesse at 3:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


You previously asked a question where you were concerned about what people would think of you if they saw you out with an older woman. So I do have to wonder: are you afraid of what other people will think of you if you date a woman who is "little thick and has curly hair and has fat on her face" or are you genuinely unattracted to her.

Either way, politely move on.
posted by OsoMeaty at 3:13 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


You need to tell her that you aren't into it, but that you really enjoy her company and want to be friends. It sounds like you'd rather just be friends, or be FWB. Be honest with her.
posted by DoubleLune at 3:20 PM on June 24, 2012


You need to learn how to stop sabotaging your own happiness when your worldview and view of yourself isn't being validated, but this woman is not your therapist, so cut her loose.
posted by The Master and Margarita Mix at 3:21 PM on June 24, 2012


I hate to be an ass, but, um, how "objectively" attractive are you? My guess is that the girls that you end up with are well matched to you in terms of attractiveness. I always have to laugh when I hear guys nitpick their girlfriends' appearance when the girl who could just as easily pick apart the guy (but probably doesn't).

Love the one you're with. Or rather, stop chasing the generic hot girls and recalibrate your sexy-o-meter.
posted by ablazingsaddle at 3:25 PM on June 24, 2012 [13 favorites]


I concur with those who have noted that you seem to be attracted to her but nevertheless somehow disappointed in the experience of being with her. But I also don't think it makes any difference with regard to whether it's the right relationship for you -- or for her -- so yes, I would end it. Not because you're not attracted to her, but because I think she deserves to be with someone whose feelings for her are such that they'd motivate a more careful expression of what you're saying here.

When you're with the right person, I don't think you'll tell a bunch of people that she has fat on her face unless you absolutely cannot avoid it.
posted by Linda_Holmes at 3:30 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]


After reading all your questions, I think there is a possibility that you are confusing the satisfaction you would like to have from other people recognizing your status because you're dating a really hot, cute girl, with the satisfaction you get from a sexual relationship. It almost sounds like you want some arm candy to have sex with and show off but what you found is a woman you really relate to and now you don't know if it's ok to actually value (and maybe even get turned on) by this enjoyable woman you found. I'd say the latter might be worth a try.

If, as I think might be the case, the lack of envy from other dudes is what leaves you less than satisfied and not all that excited about her, then you need to work on that. There are always those dudes. You don't have to let fools rule your life. It's a lot better to develop a good relationship with someone you really enjoy than to chase a fantasy and imagine you can gain satisfaction from the envy of your peers.

If you keep dating this woman, make sure you really learn how to participate in her satisfaction. One of the most attractive things about a man is his really liking and knowing about a woman's sexuality. Knowing this not only makes you very attractive but, while it takes some serious attention, is also is a lot easier to learn than making the kind of money you would need to keep yourself in trophy dates/wives.
posted by Anitanola at 3:30 PM on June 24, 2012 [18 favorites]


If you're really torn enough to pose this question here on AskMe, then the best answer is obviously going to be to let her go. You can't force yourself to not feel what you're feeling. It would be unrealistic to think otherwise. So do the right thing out of respect.

That being said, you may in time develop a different view on relationships as you get older and more experienced with relationships. (basing that off of your previous AskMe posts) The companionship and friendship parts of a relationship may eventually take more of a front seat when considering the values of potential partners. All these big details now might become minor details later. But it has to all come naturally and unforced. You won't be able to force yourself to think that way overnight...nor should you strive to. You need to find what works best for you now, and not lead others on in the process. Keep it fair.

And just a final word of wisdom; you can take it or leave it. If the end goal at some point is eventually finding yourself in a happy marriage, then sure date the hot girls along the way...but you'll want to ultimately marry your best friend. There's a song that goes along those lines that begins with "If you want to be happy for the rest of your life..." Sure that song is a bit demeaning with tongue in cheek about our inner vanities, but there's some truth in there. Whoever you chose as a life partner, whether she's pretty or not, you'll both age and become ugly as sin eventually...all of this nonsense won't matter anymore as you've had a great time along the way being in a lasting friendship together, bearing witness to each others lives with love and honesty.

For now, if you're not feeling those vibes the women you date, just keep up the search. If you're in it for just the sex and appearances, then be upfront about that so you're not misleading. Three things: be fair, honest, and respectful...and you'll be fine.
posted by samsara at 3:45 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


based on your other questions, you seem more concerned with how you are perceived by others in terms of who you date than anything that has to do with how you really feel about the person you are dating. you sound really immature in this regard. if i was you, i'd work on myself and my insecurities first, before dating, bc these things are going to keep popping up for you and you will never be satisfied, no matter who you date.
posted by violetk at 3:45 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Break up with her. You can both do better.
posted by box at 4:00 PM on June 24, 2012


I am a bit skeptical of the charity posters propose for OP's girlfriend, to be dumped to free her to be dated by someone more turned on by overweight women who don't like to dress up. She might be perfectly content, or even consider herself lucky, to have a boyfriend with conventional tastes who sets them aside thanks to her charm. Indeed, we're all going to end up bent, wrinkled and flabby (if not dead) and hope our partners will stick around notwithstanding.
posted by MattD at 4:03 PM on June 24, 2012


I find myself looking at women who wear high heels and black dresses and saying in my mind, wow look at her she is HOT!. I don't feel the same way when I look at this woman I am dating. I so badly want to feel that way however.

A part of me however is feeling like I'm being overly superficial because when it comes to our personalities, we are so compatible, we laugh at the same things, we have similar views on things and we just really love spending time together. We are goofy together and I really like that.


This is called a friend, not a partner.

You really need to figure yourself out.
posted by OnTheLastCastle at 4:06 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


I wouldn't say dump her quite yet, especially given how young this relationship is and given that you're attracted to her, you just don't find her The Hottest. Look, generally nobody ever gets to date The Hottest Person Ever. There are only so many Jessica Alba/Megan Fox lookalikes out there, and it's a crapshoot on whether you'll get along anyway. A major part of being able to build a mature relationship is realizing that the people we find the hottest aren't always the people we want to date (or are realistic for us to date). It sounds like you don't really have a lot of relationship experience, so you may be putting way too much emphasis on getting Hot Chick #4 rather than building a deep, meaningful connection with someone else.

Not to mention attraction is heavily influenced by emotional affection--if you guys really are getting along well and the sex is fun, you will probably find you become more and more physically attracted to your partner as you go on. I am currently dating a guy who has his share of body hair and a pretty full beard. Prior to dating him, I thought body hair was kind of gross. But it's been almost two years and now I genuinely prefer guys who are more hirsute and am a bit weirded out by guys who are completely bare.

If you were actively grossed out by her--you didn't find her physically attractive whatsoever, you didn't think anything about her was pretty--I'd say get out. But that's not the case. Give this some time to develop and see if your wang don't catch up to your brain.
posted by schroedinger at 4:11 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


I am a bit skeptical of the charity posters propose for OP's girlfriend, to be dumped to free her to be dated by someone more turned on by overweight women who don't like to dress up.

I think that she can do way better than someone who thinks curly hair is inferior, and that women shouldn't have "a little fat on their face" (I doubt she is even overweight by anybody's standards). Fuck, being alone is way better than that.

My face has never been my fortune, but my husband thinks I'm incredibly beautiful, mostly because he loves me. This lady deserves the same, and the OP isn't going to bring it.
posted by Sidhedevil at 4:16 PM on June 24, 2012 [17 favorites]


Not being attracted to this woman has nothing to do with your maturity level. People like what they like and you just happen to be spelling it out here. It probably is not just that she doesn't wear black dresses and heels; even if she did wear those things you might not feel the spark, you might still be looking at other women and thinking about how hot they are. You're human.

I've been in the same situation actually except I'm female and date men...while it is more difficult to break it off when personalities mesh really well (because as someone else mentioned that is hard to come by) if you are always feeling like you've settled for whatever reason then maybe it is simply not meant to be. Doesn't mean there is anything wrong with either of you.

All of that said, I do think that she deserves someone who is attracted to her. Don't feel guilty about your feelings..you're not doing her any favors by staying with her while you try to convince yourself that you can be attracted to her.
posted by fromageball at 4:37 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


I am an overweight woman who generally doesn't like to dress up. I've been considerably more overweight than I am now. I have a reasonably unattractive skin condition. I have never been alone for an extended period unless I wanted to be, and there has never been any reason short of "dying of cancer" that I would want to remain in a relationship with someone who used the word 'fat' to describe me in a derogatory way.

Given that, yes, let her move on to someone who will appreciate her. Sometimes you have to be patient in finding the right one for you. If you can't find a woman who is slim, you connect with, and who likes you back, then later on start asking yourself where those preferences come from and whether they're reasonable, but if you need to learn to find a broader range of women sexy, your current girlfriend still does not deserve to be your guinea pig.
posted by gracedissolved at 5:20 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]


It's been a month. If you are enjoying yourself, keep with it.
posted by empath at 5:22 PM on June 24, 2012


You sound like a decent guy. In the future, don't have sex with someone you're not all that attracted to physically. I know it's tempting, but don't, because you'll end up in the same situation.
posted by wryly at 5:25 PM on June 24, 2012


I'm a short, thick, 31 year old woman with curly hair and "fat on [my] face" who doesn't tend to dress up or wear heels ever. I'm not dating a younger guy at the moment, but other than that, I could basically be your girlfriend.

I'd want you to [kindly and courteously] break up with me if you weren't really attracted to me, please.
posted by 168 at 5:32 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]


How would you feel if the situation were reversed? In other words, how does she feel about you? How would you feel if YOU felt that way about her and she felt the way you do about you?
posted by 2oh1 at 5:36 PM on June 24, 2012


Break up with her. I would be appalled if I was told I was too thick and my face was fat and I had to wear heels.

What you are attracted to isn't WRONG, what flips your or anyone's switch is what it is. But don't keep dating someone you would rather change. It's really not fair.

Find someone you are actually attracted to who you can't take your eyes off of when you're together. Good luck.
posted by bibliogrrl at 5:48 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


I'm short with curly hair and definitely fat on my face -- chubby cheeks I guess but I've had those at every weight, even when a skinny skinny four year old -- so I guess I could be a lot like your girlfriend. Sometimes I wear my hair straight and I recently gained weight on some medication but it's coming off. It was more important that the meds work than the weight stayed down, so I took that tradeoff.

But I'd want to date someone who didn't mind if the hair was straight or curly and didn't care where my weight was particularly, because there's always a chance I'll need medication again and sometimes I like my hair curly.

I'm sure she would agree, so my advice is to break up with her and keep in mind that the next girl you date might not feel like maintaining your ideal is more important than her own interest in maintaining her health and just satisfying her personal preferences in what she wants to do with her body and appearance.
posted by sweetkid at 5:58 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]


Why did you go out with her if she wasn't what floated your boat in the first place? It's not like she randomly got fat on her face and curly hair.

I don't think it's shallow that she isn't your exact cup of tea. I think it's, frankly, shitty to "find myself looking at other women when we go out together and I feel horrible because I know I feel unsatisfied" instead of feeling horrible because you are being an inconsiderate tool to the woman you are on a date and sleeping with. Honestly, if I hadn't read that I might have answered this question differently.

So yeah, keep fishing.
posted by sm1tten at 6:10 PM on June 24, 2012 [17 favorites]


Think of it this way: Depending on how she intuits things, she probably knows to some degree that you are not exactly on your knees thanking the Gods above that she is spending time with you. Unless you are the most sublime actor, you are probably hurting her as is. Change yourself or end it.
posted by IwishIwasFordMaddoxFord at 6:16 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


I am a bit skeptical of the charity posters propose for OP's girlfriend, to be dumped to free her to be dated by someone more turned on by overweight women who don't like to dress up. She might be perfectly content, or even consider herself lucky, to have a boyfriend with conventional tastes who sets them aside thanks to her charm.

I've been in both situations - where someone really wasn't so into Major Trait X about me, but was still dating me for other reasons, and where someone was really gaga about me with no real reservations at all. I could see someone who felt like they didn't have many other options feeling, maybe, grateful in the situation you describe. But when you've been with someone who doesn't have those reservations, there is really no comparison, and I think everyone should have a shot at experiencing that.

It seems the (gently put) implication here is that an overweight woman who doesn't like to dress up would be lucky to find someone who was turned on by her like that. I wrote a bit recently about one of my boyfriends here, who supported me when I was having a really, really bad time with anxiety disorder. At that time, although I wasn't "overweight" I was at the heaviest of my life, and about dressing up... well, I almost LOLed at the idea that I was doing that at that time. I was still able to have a relationship with an incredible person where I felt 100% loved, 100% wanted, 100% secure, 100% cared for.

I don't think that is unrealistic for the OP's gf.
posted by cairdeas at 6:28 PM on June 24, 2012 [7 favorites]


There seems to be a fundamental disconnect here:
I'm not fully attracted to the girl I am dating

I just don't find her as attractive as I want to find a girl I date to be.

I've slept with her twice and I do find her body attractive.
So, you find her attractive but you're not attracted to her? This doesn't really make sense. What I suspect, based on your earlier questions, is that you are concerned that she doesn't match up with the idea you have in your head of what your girlfriend should look like. You might want to watch this Dan Savage clip where he talks about young men trying to date the women their friends want to have sex with, not that they themselves want to have sex with.

If I'm totally off-base here, and you're just not attracted to her, then I would break up with her now. You'll both be better off that way. Similarly, if you think about this for a few days and still can't get past it then, again, break up with her.
posted by the essence of class and fanciness at 6:58 PM on June 24, 2012 [7 favorites]


You have the right to be attracted to your mate. Don't let anybody here make you feel bad about that.

When you have things in common with someone and you like hanging out with them and laughing and having fun, you call that person a friend.

When that friendship can serve as a platform for a relationship at a higher and more romantic level, that's the very best kind of relationship.

When it can't, I think you have to call it what it is. Nobody wants to hear "let's just be friends," but that's what you need to do unless you're willing to give it some more time. One month is nothing, and often our feelings about someone's personality and the way we click can overcome an initial lack of attraction. And often they can't.

So give it more time if you think you've got a good thing going and that it has the potential to solidify, and otherwise have the "I really feel we're more like friends..." talk.
posted by Askr at 7:25 PM on June 24, 2012


This is something you are going to have to deal with eventually, in any relationship. Looks fade. Eventually, the woman you marry will no longer look ideally attractive to you. People get old.

So you're going to have to deal with this problem at some point. Just something to think about. I'd suggest that there is something else going on here, particularly because you said you like having sex with her and that you find her body attractive. That is incongruous with the idea that she's not attractive to you, as others have pointed out above.

So I'd do a bit of soul searching to figure out what is going on under the surface here. I'm not sure that it's really about her looks.
posted by k8lin at 8:32 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


Quick question: how many dates have you taken this woman on that were little black dress worthy? Because, honestly, while I enjoy dressing up, I'm no longer one of those insecure little girls who gussies up in the shortest, tightest dress and the highest heels I own just because a dude wants to take me out to Chili's, you know?

In addition... what are you bringing to the table? Are you exceptionally attractive, astoundingly intelligent, do you dress in the latest and most expensive fashions? Your standard for the kind of woman on your arm is high, but are you offering the same high standards to the women you want to date?
posted by palomar at 8:36 PM on June 24, 2012 [21 favorites]


Oh, and if this is the 31 year old woman you called a MILF and a cougar in your last question... dude. Please break up with her. She deserves to be sleeping with someone who doesn't refer to her in private in this way.
posted by palomar at 8:37 PM on June 24, 2012 [8 favorites]


while I enjoy dressing up, I'm no longer one of those insecure little girls who gussies up in the shortest, tightest dress and the highest heels I own just because a dude wants to take me out to Chili's, you know?

Oh geez, so true. I don't want to femme-shame or whatever, but I'm pretty femme, and I no longer go all out for casual style dates. Because the purpose of dates for me is getting to know someone, not to indicate that I will desperately overdo it for every occasion.

Also, I just looked at your past Asks and I remember every single one of them. With that context, I think you definitely have some status issues to work out. Like, the curly hair thing perplexes me.
posted by stoneandstar at 9:29 PM on June 24, 2012 [5 favorites]


Based on your past questions, I'm going to echo the various: "Are you really unattracted to her, or are you just too insecure to admit that you're attracted to someone who you think that other men don't find attractive?" I mean, you said that you do, in fact, find her body attractive.

Given your brief comment about enjoying the sex and finding her body sexy, I suspect that this has more to do with your status and self-esteem issues than it does with not being attracted this woman.

If you can't move past these issues, then you probably should break up with her and work on your personal issues before you date anyone. If you can get over this idea that you seem to have that you're in competition with all other men and that your choice of sexual partner somehow reflects upon you in this imagined competition, then keep seeing this woman because I suspect that you actually are attracted to her and are just afraid to admit it.

Also, as far as the whole competing with other men thing goes, even if we assume that there really is a vast male-on-male competition for mates, guess what: you won! You got the girl! You've out-competed your rivals and got a girl who you find intellectually and emotionally (and possibly sexually) stimulating. Congratulations on your victory!
posted by asnider at 9:45 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]


Also, based on my suspicions about what is really underlying your question, this may be relevant: other men are attracted to the type of woman you are describing (I am one such man!), so it's not like other guys are looking upon you as some kind of loser who settled for the fat girl.* Even those men who aren't attracted to this type of woman are generally not judging you for dating her. Anyone who is judging you for dating this woman is likely doing so as a result of their own issues.


*I assume, since you used the word "thick" that this woman is not actually fat, but probably just not as thin as is considered "conventionally attractive."
posted by asnider at 9:49 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]


People date so that they can suss out whether or not they feel that spark that makes them want to make a deeper commitment. She may have a great personality and a body that you appreciate, but you're not currently wired to fall in love with her. She is not girlfriend material to you. Your reasons for not being more attracted to her may not be the best, but they are your reasons and you should respect yourself enough to act on them. Let her go. You'll probably feel some regret and be lonely for a while, but it won't be a mistake. It is not fun to be lonely, especially if you came really close to not being lonely, but it is even worse to realize that you are That Jerk who strung someone along for months out of cowardice and indecision.
posted by rhythm and booze at 12:33 AM on June 25, 2012


I love petite women, and she is a little thick and has curly hair and has fat on her face. On top of that she doesn't dress up to much when we go out.

Okay she is a "little" thick, so what? This sounds nitpicky. Fat on her face though? What the hell are you talking about? Everyone has some fat on their face. Without seeing her, she sounds reasonably attractive. I guess if the curly hair is a deal breaker, you have to do what you have to do. Curly hair sounds like a really stupid reason to break up with someone, but people have broken up over stupider things.

The dressing up you can probably talk about or encourage through positive encouragement. Something like "Hey let's do a fancy dinner night!" Girls love fancy dress nights. Girls also like shopping. They like it even more if a guy tags along to help them decide what looks good/ Ask her to go shopping with you and give her advice on different clothes.

I love petite women . . . I find myself looking at women who wear high heels and black dresses and saying in my mind, wow look at her she is HOT!

But it's the petite girls with high end designer fashion you want huh? Okay, how much money do you make. You will need to be making six figures minimum, but if you're in NY you will need to have at least $200,000. Good thing you have that great job right? High heels and dresses aren't exactly cheap! And since you want some really stellar looking woman, a real trophy we might say, be forewarned that she can have ANY guy she wants at ANY time. Hope you are okay with being cheated on once in a while!

Hopefully you are a great looking guy who has a great personality and is awesome to be around; the "total package," a "real keeper," we might say.


HERE'S MY ADVICE: Break up with her and try dating those petite girls with high heels and black dresses.
posted by Jurbano at 4:15 AM on June 25, 2012


Having read your past AskMe history, I have to wonder if maybe you simply aren't worthwhile enough to date the kind of women that you seem to want to be with. Maybe you date women who don't live up to your standards because that's the best you can do, and you get insecure because on some level, you realize that.

I know that this sounds mean, but bear with me here. In some ways, I'm similar to you in that I have very high standards for the women I choose to get into long-term relationships with. They must be intelligent, logical, articulate, and attractive. (They don't have to STAY attractive throughout the whole relationship, since as I build an emotional connection, I find that it makes them look subjectively beautiful to me, even if they really aren't. But they must definitely look attractive when I initially start dating them.)

Needless to say, with such high standards, I used to have trouble dating when I was younger. I had similar issues to you - the women I dated were not bad... but I wasn't thrilled about them either. Eventually I decided to solve this problem, so I took a step back and examined it from a logical perspective. "Considering that a woman with all the traits I want would be such a rare prize," I thought, "why would the hell would she ever want to date ME? What value (not in the monetary sense but more in the "big picture" sense) would I have to offer her?"

That began my great quest for self-improvement. I obsessively studied books and subtly observed other people flirting to become more articulate and charming. I worked out to get rid of my fat, researched diverse topics that I had a broader and more interesting personality, and even got my deviated septum fixed (along with some minor cosmetic surgery) so that my face was more attractive. And you know what? Eventually I *did* start dating the kind of woman I was attracted to, without sacrificing any of my standards. I've even been with women so amazing and (from my subjective point of view) so much "better" than me that a few times I've actually fallen in love with somebody, and felt myself incredibly lucky to be with her.

My point is that in all of your AskMe posts you keep focusing on these incredibly high standards you have for the women you date, without telling us anything about what YOU bring to the table. Ask yourself this question honestly: If a woman that lived up to your high standards existed, why would she ever want to date you? Then, after you've thought that through, you have a simple choice - either lower your high standards to match your own value (as several people here seem to recommend) or raise your own value to match your high standards.
posted by wolfdreams01 at 6:18 AM on June 25, 2012 [10 favorites]


I'm going to agree and say you're confused and possibly terrified that you've found someone who you get along with and have great chemistry with--but isn't your physical ideal. Nthing the idea that perhaps this is more about sabotaging yourself and needing to figure YOU out before dating someone. This woman deserves someone who loves her for HER. If it's been two months and her personality hasn't made her looks more attractive to you, then you might want to consider not dating anyone-- at least until you figure yourself out.
posted by camylanded at 7:52 AM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Seconding wryly. You made a mistake. There may be many other mistakes at work here, unreasonable standards or weird social competition or something, but dating someone you're not attracted to isn't going to work any different next time you try it.
posted by ead at 11:45 PM on June 25, 2012 [1 favorite]


Break up with her.

If you find yourself having a hard time mustering up the gumption to break up with her, here's something to consider: She doesn't really dress up when you go out. I'm taking that to mean that she doesn't get prettied up at all, not that she's falling short of your black-dress-and-high-heels ideals, and if I'm right about that, then it means you've been dating for a month and she isn't making any special effort to look good for you.

In my experience, that's a sign she feels the same way about you that you do about her: She thinks you're all right but isn't really crazy about you, even if the way she acts might convey that impression.

So break up, and onto greener pastures for the both of you. Good luck.
posted by FAMOUS MONSTER at 10:49 AM on June 26, 2012 [2 favorites]


Sorry, but if you don't find her attractive despite enjoying her personality, then you are probably too superficial to date a girl who doesn't wear little black dresses and heels when you go out. For me, when I am attracted to someone's personality, they become physically more attractive. If that's not you, then it seems you need physical attractiveness first and foremost and you should look for that when you date. Please do her a favor and break up.
posted by AppleTurnover at 4:49 PM on June 26, 2012 [1 favorite]


I agree that holding onto your current attitude unflinchingly would be harmful to the girl you're dating, and I agree with others that your attitude is superficial, but I disagree with them that you are superficial. Superficiality is a behavior which is indoctrinated from an early age (in the fairy books, all princes are handsome, all princesses are beautiful, and very very little attention is paid to whether they shared compatibly personalities). So it's not surprising that as someone who is relatively young, you're putting a huge weight on this woman's superficial attractiveness. What's sort of puzzling is why everyone else here seems to think this is strange or aberrant behavior, rather than reflective of the system.

Is there no attraction of any kind? Do you find yourself repulsed by her, or do you just see other women that are more attractive?

I ask because sometimes people have semi-fixed ideas in their minds of who is and isn't attractive that are just too specific (your curly hair comment was a tip off). If you can let go of your ideas of what kind of woman you find attractive that might help.

Truth is, plenty of people date women because they think they are "hot" when secretly they find their minds and personalities repulsive. I think in the long run you're better off than they are. The fact that you want to see her again, and don't want to see other women who are more appealing visually is, in my mind, a strong suit.

If you would like her to dress up, invite her someplace a little fancier, and tell her you want to dress up a little. That way you can see how she looks when she makes an effort.

My wife, when I met her, was pretty much the complete opposite of a lot of things I associated with attractiveness: she had long blond hair, and I always had been attracted to brunettes; she was extremely pale and I had generally been attracted to people with darker skin (e.g. Italians, Israelis, etc.). Nonetheless we clicked right away and spending time with her became increasingly addictive. I can't pinpoint the exact moment, but at some point I started finding her truly beautiful (it didn't hurt to discover that she had, in fact, been dying her hair and was a brunette all along but at that point I was already hooked). This can also happen to you if you let it.

In the long run, you will be happier with someone you get along with well. Good looking people are honestly a dime a dozen; people you click with are rare, and that will get more rare the older you get. So long as you never let her know about your current attitude (for example, under no circumstances can she ever see this thread) I think everything will turn out okay. Eventually, you will become close enough that you will find that you do find her beautiful, or it won't work out and you'll go your separate ways.

I think the fact that you are agonizing over this a bit is a good thing.

My only warning is that as she is 31 and you are 26 she is going to probably be on a slightly quicker trajectory towards long term commitment than you might be. For example, if she wants kids this is something that she is probably going to be seriously considering in the next 3-5 years.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:34 AM on June 29, 2012 [2 favorites]


Also, based on this question and the last it seems you put a lot of weight in a lot of societal norms which are both outdated and helpful. If you do anything, work on that.
posted by Deathalicious at 10:41 AM on June 29, 2012


Just as an update I did end up breaking up with her. I did not tell her why, she deserves someone that loves her for her and doesn't want her to change for someone else.

I did some soul searching and I think I'd rather try and find that person that I find attractive and mesh with than string somebody along, it isn't fair to the other person.
posted by curious-mind at 10:19 PM on August 15, 2012 [2 favorites]


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