My 12 year old stepson recently revealed he's been bullied most of the year at school. Help us help him!
June 24, 2012 12:31 PM Subscribe
How do I help my 12 year old stepson cope with being bullied ?
My 12 yr old stepson started middle school this year and for the first part of the year he seemed to be doing fine. After January, his once honor roll grades dipped quite a bit and for the first time ever he got a D and a couple of C's. He also started having lots of mood swings and tantrums that seemed out of the ordinary from his normal behavior. We attributed some of this to hormones and adjusting to a new school and more demanding course work and homework. He has struggled with school quite a bit -- he has ADHD and has a really difficult time staying on track and getting organized. Though he has done well in school and is described as intelligent by his teachers, he is very hard on himself and gets extremely frustrated when things don't come easily to him.
He started seeing a therapist in April and though he doesn't like going, he generally doesn't put up too much of a fight about it. He seemed to be doing better - less tantrums and outbursts, but we noticed he seemed sad and he denied anything was wrong. Fast forward to last week when my husband found him sobbing in his room. He tells him that a boy at school who is in all of his classes has been bullying him since October. That particular day the bullying was witnessed by the VP while they were out at recess. She noticed a boy pulling stepson's shirt by the collar and confronted both boys. Stepson told her that the other boy has been bullying him for his leftover lunch money since October. The school has a policy that kids are not to give any other kid money (to avoid this type of scenario) and when stepson came him without his change, we figured he had misplaced it.
Both of us feel terrible that we didn't put this together earlier, and hate that he dealt with this on his own all year. The VP spoke with my husband and said she is monitoring this for next year, but no real concrete plans for what will be done. I don't want him in the same classes as this kid and wonder if this is a reasonable request. What we really want is for stepson to feel happy and safe in school, and to regain some of his list self-esteem.
To complicate things, he recently got an OT eval for what may be dysgraphia and the OT described him as having a "flat affect" and "limited eye contact." She wrote that his teachers have mentioned this also and have noticed it as a change since the second quarter. The OT report had a ton of errors on it - saying stepson was a rightie (he isn't), referring to him as a completely different male name, and finally, she sent us recommendations for a different child (not ours) complete with that child's diagnosis and interventions. We called her on this, she apologized, and asked that we shred the report for the other child. However, we are really concerned that she has described him as "flat affect" and are really worried that he is withdrawn and probably depressed, but I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded. We are getting him an eval by a children's hospital for the dysgraphia, but what else can we/ should we be doing for the self-esteem/bullying issues?
My knee-jerk reaction was that he needs a different, smaller setting, but I don't know if that is the right move. We live just on the outskirts of Boston and the school has about 1,200 kids. My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this.
What else should we be thinking of? We thought of enrolling him in a tai-chi or martial arts program to build success and confidence, and encouraging lots of time with friends this summer, but how else do we help a kid who is pretty closed off to discussing his feelings, yet clearly is struggling a lot. His dad and I have him and his 9 yr old sister (who he gets along great with) for the entire week on alternate weeks. Mom and my husband are on good terms and she is also very worried about her son.
Sorry so long, and thanks in advance for your input.
My 12 yr old stepson started middle school this year and for the first part of the year he seemed to be doing fine. After January, his once honor roll grades dipped quite a bit and for the first time ever he got a D and a couple of C's. He also started having lots of mood swings and tantrums that seemed out of the ordinary from his normal behavior. We attributed some of this to hormones and adjusting to a new school and more demanding course work and homework. He has struggled with school quite a bit -- he has ADHD and has a really difficult time staying on track and getting organized. Though he has done well in school and is described as intelligent by his teachers, he is very hard on himself and gets extremely frustrated when things don't come easily to him.
He started seeing a therapist in April and though he doesn't like going, he generally doesn't put up too much of a fight about it. He seemed to be doing better - less tantrums and outbursts, but we noticed he seemed sad and he denied anything was wrong. Fast forward to last week when my husband found him sobbing in his room. He tells him that a boy at school who is in all of his classes has been bullying him since October. That particular day the bullying was witnessed by the VP while they were out at recess. She noticed a boy pulling stepson's shirt by the collar and confronted both boys. Stepson told her that the other boy has been bullying him for his leftover lunch money since October. The school has a policy that kids are not to give any other kid money (to avoid this type of scenario) and when stepson came him without his change, we figured he had misplaced it.
Both of us feel terrible that we didn't put this together earlier, and hate that he dealt with this on his own all year. The VP spoke with my husband and said she is monitoring this for next year, but no real concrete plans for what will be done. I don't want him in the same classes as this kid and wonder if this is a reasonable request. What we really want is for stepson to feel happy and safe in school, and to regain some of his list self-esteem.
To complicate things, he recently got an OT eval for what may be dysgraphia and the OT described him as having a "flat affect" and "limited eye contact." She wrote that his teachers have mentioned this also and have noticed it as a change since the second quarter. The OT report had a ton of errors on it - saying stepson was a rightie (he isn't), referring to him as a completely different male name, and finally, she sent us recommendations for a different child (not ours) complete with that child's diagnosis and interventions. We called her on this, she apologized, and asked that we shred the report for the other child. However, we are really concerned that she has described him as "flat affect" and are really worried that he is withdrawn and probably depressed, but I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded. We are getting him an eval by a children's hospital for the dysgraphia, but what else can we/ should we be doing for the self-esteem/bullying issues?
My knee-jerk reaction was that he needs a different, smaller setting, but I don't know if that is the right move. We live just on the outskirts of Boston and the school has about 1,200 kids. My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this.
What else should we be thinking of? We thought of enrolling him in a tai-chi or martial arts program to build success and confidence, and encouraging lots of time with friends this summer, but how else do we help a kid who is pretty closed off to discussing his feelings, yet clearly is struggling a lot. His dad and I have him and his 9 yr old sister (who he gets along great with) for the entire week on alternate weeks. Mom and my husband are on good terms and she is also very worried about her son.
Sorry so long, and thanks in advance for your input.
It is very reasonable and smart to request he not be placed in the same class as bully. There is nothing unreasonable in this request and is in fact a fantastic idea.
My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this.
I would listen to your gut. Maybe not just because of the bully situation, but also for other situations that you may be concerned about. I am a firm believer in the sixth sense of "gut reactions." You do not need anyone's permission or okay or anyone else agreeing with you on what your gut is telling you. If you can swing a smaller school environment, go for it.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:57 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
My gut is that he'd do better in a smaller school, but there's a cost issue as well as a fear that he would not transition well to this.
I would listen to your gut. Maybe not just because of the bully situation, but also for other situations that you may be concerned about. I am a firm believer in the sixth sense of "gut reactions." You do not need anyone's permission or okay or anyone else agreeing with you on what your gut is telling you. If you can swing a smaller school environment, go for it.
posted by Sassyfras at 12:57 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: Oh how stressful! Poor kid.
I agree, for next school year, request class changes, at least to be with some friends and allies.
I would also make an appointment with the principal or head of counseling at school to learn, in specific terms, what their policies are for bullying and social supports. Do they use a specific program? Not just rules, but guidelines for all social interactions, language to support it, school community buy-in, etc. My kids have Restorative Practices at their school which is fantastic, and it seems like such programs are becoming more common practice.
My kids are in therapy for other reasons, and in my experience they don't really like going to sessions either, but at the same time wouldn't give them up for anything. It is important for your stepson to have another adult to speak to in confidence to organize his thoughts and feelings. It might be helpful to have his therapist contact a counselor at school, if just to get further information about how to support your stepson.
As for the OT making such a glaring error, there is a lot to say there. If it was at public school through the special education program, you need to speak to the evaluator and maybe their supervisor to make sure your information was kept confidential and any assessment data is cleared away and corrected. There needs to be some closure or endpoint to the process for you. That data can go to the outside assessor.
For my family, finding extra-curricular classes at places that are supportive have really helped us during hard times. We have found a dance school that is a wonderful place to find acceptance (come as you are and dance your heart out). In looking for classes, no matter what the activity, find a place where the other students and staff are a good comfortable fit for your stepson and family
As an aside, I can't recommend Dr. Mel Levine's books enough. My favorite is, "The Myth of Laziness." He has some excellent recommendations for learning, coping, and making it through differences in abililties and talents. I am on both sides of this experience, as a former teacher and now a parent, and he has continued to be a reference to me.
Take care!
posted by mamabear at 12:59 PM on June 24, 2012
I agree, for next school year, request class changes, at least to be with some friends and allies.
I would also make an appointment with the principal or head of counseling at school to learn, in specific terms, what their policies are for bullying and social supports. Do they use a specific program? Not just rules, but guidelines for all social interactions, language to support it, school community buy-in, etc. My kids have Restorative Practices at their school which is fantastic, and it seems like such programs are becoming more common practice.
My kids are in therapy for other reasons, and in my experience they don't really like going to sessions either, but at the same time wouldn't give them up for anything. It is important for your stepson to have another adult to speak to in confidence to organize his thoughts and feelings. It might be helpful to have his therapist contact a counselor at school, if just to get further information about how to support your stepson.
As for the OT making such a glaring error, there is a lot to say there. If it was at public school through the special education program, you need to speak to the evaluator and maybe their supervisor to make sure your information was kept confidential and any assessment data is cleared away and corrected. There needs to be some closure or endpoint to the process for you. That data can go to the outside assessor.
For my family, finding extra-curricular classes at places that are supportive have really helped us during hard times. We have found a dance school that is a wonderful place to find acceptance (come as you are and dance your heart out). In looking for classes, no matter what the activity, find a place where the other students and staff are a good comfortable fit for your stepson and family
As an aside, I can't recommend Dr. Mel Levine's books enough. My favorite is, "The Myth of Laziness." He has some excellent recommendations for learning, coping, and making it through differences in abililties and talents. I am on both sides of this experience, as a former teacher and now a parent, and he has continued to be a reference to me.
Take care!
posted by mamabear at 12:59 PM on June 24, 2012
Teach him to be more assertive-- that is, practice what exactly to do if a bully confronts him (tell the bully to stop, walk away, complain to a teacher). What would an adult do in the same situation? (laugh, leave, call the cops, run/fight if attacked.) That's what you should teach him to do.
A normal school sport is a better choice for self-esteem than a martial art. Ideally, get him to do two sports-- one intense but slightly preppy sport like soccer or lacrosse, and one other extra-curricular that the smart, cultured people do, like orchestra. If you're going to put the kid in a martial arts class, you should also tell him when it's appropriate to fight (when telling the bully to stop and running away don't work). Most bullies are cowards with self-esteem issues and having him actually learn a martial art is probably overkill.
Personal story (yay anonymity): In grade school I was a huge nerd, and stuttered pretty badly. But, people rarely tried to bully me because I wasn't intimidated by idiots. By acting more like an adult (telling them they were being childish, then disengaging and/or telling authorities as appropriate) I got to feel superior, and anyone who tried to bully me got in trouble. One time, I hit another kid in self-defense in the middle of class, and he got a detention and never bothered me again.
Paul Graham's essay Why Nerds are Unpopular is really informative.
posted by sninctown at 1:31 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
A normal school sport is a better choice for self-esteem than a martial art. Ideally, get him to do two sports-- one intense but slightly preppy sport like soccer or lacrosse, and one other extra-curricular that the smart, cultured people do, like orchestra. If you're going to put the kid in a martial arts class, you should also tell him when it's appropriate to fight (when telling the bully to stop and running away don't work). Most bullies are cowards with self-esteem issues and having him actually learn a martial art is probably overkill.
Personal story (yay anonymity): In grade school I was a huge nerd, and stuttered pretty badly. But, people rarely tried to bully me because I wasn't intimidated by idiots. By acting more like an adult (telling them they were being childish, then disengaging and/or telling authorities as appropriate) I got to feel superior, and anyone who tried to bully me got in trouble. One time, I hit another kid in self-defense in the middle of class, and he got a detention and never bothered me again.
Paul Graham's essay Why Nerds are Unpopular is really informative.
posted by sninctown at 1:31 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
I don't want him in the same classes as this kid
But what effect is this likely to have? The bullying is probably happening in the halls between classes, not in the classroom where teachers can witness it.
I was bullied a lot, from middle school until better than halfway through high school. With only one, single-event exception, it wasn't by kids that were in my classes. I was bullied in the hallways, at recess, and in the cafeteria, by kids I didn't know and who I'd never taken a single class with (big school). I was quiet and shy and conflict-avoidant, and apparently perceived as an easy target.
I might've thrived in a small, private school rather than swimming amongst the 2000 or so students in my suburb's single massive high-school -- I don't know, it wasn't an option. When my wife talks about the environment in the tiny, "hippy-dippy" school she attended, I sometimes feel a pang of regret and jealousy.
At the very least, I think you might try and validate his feelings, whatever they might be, whenever he dares talk about them. It makes perfect sense for someone in that situation to feel sad or helpless or angry. I wouldn't try and talk him into feeling better; I'd acknowledge that it feels like shit, and that feeling that way is fine. There's a line, of course; wallowing in such feelings isn't great. But it's really important that he feel his own value, so that standing up for himself seems reasonable to him.
For me, the bullying did stop. It stopped after I took a few months of adult-ed Aikido classes, which gave me some physical confidence. I never got in a fight at school, but I baffled a wrestler twice my size by slipping away when he thought he had my arms pinned behind my back, and on another day I backed one long-time bully into a corner and refused to back away from another just a few minutes later. After the resulting social furor died down my legs turned to jello, but a friend slapped me on the back with glee. After that, it was like a switch had been flipped. Nobody ever bothered me again.
posted by jon1270 at 1:33 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
But what effect is this likely to have? The bullying is probably happening in the halls between classes, not in the classroom where teachers can witness it.
I was bullied a lot, from middle school until better than halfway through high school. With only one, single-event exception, it wasn't by kids that were in my classes. I was bullied in the hallways, at recess, and in the cafeteria, by kids I didn't know and who I'd never taken a single class with (big school). I was quiet and shy and conflict-avoidant, and apparently perceived as an easy target.
I might've thrived in a small, private school rather than swimming amongst the 2000 or so students in my suburb's single massive high-school -- I don't know, it wasn't an option. When my wife talks about the environment in the tiny, "hippy-dippy" school she attended, I sometimes feel a pang of regret and jealousy.
At the very least, I think you might try and validate his feelings, whatever they might be, whenever he dares talk about them. It makes perfect sense for someone in that situation to feel sad or helpless or angry. I wouldn't try and talk him into feeling better; I'd acknowledge that it feels like shit, and that feeling that way is fine. There's a line, of course; wallowing in such feelings isn't great. But it's really important that he feel his own value, so that standing up for himself seems reasonable to him.
For me, the bullying did stop. It stopped after I took a few months of adult-ed Aikido classes, which gave me some physical confidence. I never got in a fight at school, but I baffled a wrestler twice my size by slipping away when he thought he had my arms pinned behind my back, and on another day I backed one long-time bully into a corner and refused to back away from another just a few minutes later. After the resulting social furor died down my legs turned to jello, but a friend slapped me on the back with glee. After that, it was like a switch had been flipped. Nobody ever bothered me again.
posted by jon1270 at 1:33 PM on June 24, 2012 [3 favorites]
Best answer: I teach middle school, and the request to have him placed in different classes from the bully is totally reasonable and is something that gets done at my school on a regular basis.
Middle school can be a really tough transition to make, especially if he had a single teacher for his homeroom and major subjects last year and is now switching to having different teachers for each. It makes the work more difficult to keep track of, and it creates opportunities for bullying since you don't have the same adult supervising and connecting the dots to see that there's a pattern of bullying developing.
I think the idea of enrolling your son in martial arts is awesome.
Also, you might want to consider enlisting an advocate for meetings dealing with his special education / OT / 504 issues.
posted by alphanerd at 1:37 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Middle school can be a really tough transition to make, especially if he had a single teacher for his homeroom and major subjects last year and is now switching to having different teachers for each. It makes the work more difficult to keep track of, and it creates opportunities for bullying since you don't have the same adult supervising and connecting the dots to see that there's a pattern of bullying developing.
I think the idea of enrolling your son in martial arts is awesome.
Also, you might want to consider enlisting an advocate for meetings dealing with his special education / OT / 504 issues.
posted by alphanerd at 1:37 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Best answer: But what effect is this likely to have? The bullying is probably happening in the halls between classes, not in the classroom where teachers can witness it.
I was bullied a lot, from middle school until better than halfway through high school. With only one, single-event exception, it wasn't by kids that were in my classes.
I dunno man. Most of the bullying that I experienced happened in class. It was "mean-girl" type stuff but almost entirely done to me by boys - throwing stuff in my hair, whispering mean comments, etc. Sometimes teachers didn't notice, sometimes didn't care, and sometimes just tried inept, half-assed solutions because they had a lot of other things to deal with. It ended when we were tracked into honors/regular classes and I wasn't in class with those boys anymore. They were still assholes in the halls but it made my life a million times better. So, I don't think this is necessarily pointless. Plus it's way easier to avoid someone in the halls if you're not coming out of the same classroom together, and the next class you have to go to is also the same classroom as the person.
posted by cairdeas at 1:47 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I was bullied a lot, from middle school until better than halfway through high school. With only one, single-event exception, it wasn't by kids that were in my classes.
I dunno man. Most of the bullying that I experienced happened in class. It was "mean-girl" type stuff but almost entirely done to me by boys - throwing stuff in my hair, whispering mean comments, etc. Sometimes teachers didn't notice, sometimes didn't care, and sometimes just tried inept, half-assed solutions because they had a lot of other things to deal with. It ended when we were tracked into honors/regular classes and I wasn't in class with those boys anymore. They were still assholes in the halls but it made my life a million times better. So, I don't think this is necessarily pointless. Plus it's way easier to avoid someone in the halls if you're not coming out of the same classroom together, and the next class you have to go to is also the same classroom as the person.
posted by cairdeas at 1:47 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Hmmm - is there any way you can get him into a school that specializes in kids with ADHD/learning disabilities? Yes - at that point it may cost-money - but it may actually be a valid "medical expense" that you can either claim against income or possibly get assistance with. Especially if there are other new factors (disgraphia).
As jon1270 mentions - it is going to be very rare that bullying happens in the classroom.
And as similar to his anecdote - I was bullied constantly - it stopped when I stood-up and defended myself. (well - with one weird demographic exception - but doubtful it would apply in your area - seems to be an "Alberta-exclusive" phenominon)
posted by jkaczor at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2012
As jon1270 mentions - it is going to be very rare that bullying happens in the classroom.
And as similar to his anecdote - I was bullied constantly - it stopped when I stood-up and defended myself. (well - with one weird demographic exception - but doubtful it would apply in your area - seems to be an "Alberta-exclusive" phenominon)
posted by jkaczor at 1:55 PM on June 24, 2012
Best answer: Rosalind Wiseman's work on bullying has really helped us. Her blog, and other efforts gave us a lot of tools, like her SEAL technique. What I like about it, and what's helped our daughter most, is this:
The other thing is to learn HOW to ignore. The traditional information most teachers are still working with just doesn't work, and teachers are reluctant to spend teaching time on stuff like this (I work in a school, and just spent three months working through my own kid's situation - ay yi!) - you need to assemble a team. At home, simple things like practicing a steely stare might be an idea. But at school, it's hard for the kids to protect themselves unless teacher's know what they're doing. My daughter's an easy target - her emotions run high, and she has one button to push that's dead centre, takes a feather touch and sends her from fine to meltdown in three seconds. So for next year we have a strategic support team in place for her, for organizational issues and for her extreme emotions.
posted by peagood at 2:03 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
The goal in using SEAL isn’t to get the other person to agree with you. Instead, it’s to go through an internal process of thoughtfully understanding and then explaining exactly what happened that you don’t like, what you want, affirm your mutual right to be treated with dignity, acknowledge anything you did that contributed to the dynamic, and if necessary or wanted, communicate the degree to which you want a future relationship.A smaller setting may help - but really what was one of the most useful things was that my daughter learned to stay out of "hot spots" and use bystanders to great effects. She's younger, and her bullying took place in line and on the carpet, so she worked it out with her teacher that she could just go straight up to the classroom and wait there or stay at her desk. If she was approached by her bully, she'd find a group of friends who would help her say "Stop it" and while she didn't always go tell an adult, because she learned they often mess up the situation if they don't know the issue - make sure every supervisor knows that there's a problem, she'd go near an adult who might notice the behaviour and intervene.
The other thing is to learn HOW to ignore. The traditional information most teachers are still working with just doesn't work, and teachers are reluctant to spend teaching time on stuff like this (I work in a school, and just spent three months working through my own kid's situation - ay yi!) - you need to assemble a team. At home, simple things like practicing a steely stare might be an idea. But at school, it's hard for the kids to protect themselves unless teacher's know what they're doing. My daughter's an easy target - her emotions run high, and she has one button to push that's dead centre, takes a feather touch and sends her from fine to meltdown in three seconds. So for next year we have a strategic support team in place for her, for organizational issues and for her extreme emotions.
posted by peagood at 2:03 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
He sounds like the kind of kid that might thrive being homeschooled. I have no idea how realistic that is for you, but if you could pull it off, it might be worth trying for a semester, to see how he does. If it doesn't work, you can always go back to the school system.
posted by COD at 2:03 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by COD at 2:03 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Response by poster: To answer the question about bullying in class -- we know that the majority of the bullying isn't taking place in the classroom, but just the fact that the kid is in the same room and in two classes, sits right next to stepson is enough to make him completely distracted, anxious, and unable to learn. Removing the kid won't necessarily stop the bullying, but it will at least help him feel safer while in class.
And the martial arts is not to help him fight back, but to improve self-esteem and make him feel good physically. It's not so he can learn to give the bully an ass whooping. We're also considering yoga, but he would likely say it's boring.
Responses do far are really helpful. Keep them coming, please!
posted by Sal and Richard at 2:16 PM on June 24, 2012
And the martial arts is not to help him fight back, but to improve self-esteem and make him feel good physically. It's not so he can learn to give the bully an ass whooping. We're also considering yoga, but he would likely say it's boring.
Responses do far are really helpful. Keep them coming, please!
posted by Sal and Richard at 2:16 PM on June 24, 2012
Best answer: All I can tell you about is my own experience. There are a million variations on this problem so keep digging and pecking and I would propose that eventually a good solution for the kid can be found. The way I solved my problem was this: went to school 15 minutes early and hung out around teachers; stayed after school 15 minutes late and hung out around teachers; went to lunch 5 minutes late and hung out around teachers on the playground.
Bullying is a crime of opportunity. The most hazardous time by a factor of at least 20 in my experience was right after school. After school begins and before it ends there should be almost no bully access if the school has any kind of structure. When I was in middle school there was a fighting or bullying incident within two or three blocks of the school almost every day almost always right after school.
posted by bukvich at 2:20 PM on June 24, 2012
Bullying is a crime of opportunity. The most hazardous time by a factor of at least 20 in my experience was right after school. After school begins and before it ends there should be almost no bully access if the school has any kind of structure. When I was in middle school there was a fighting or bullying incident within two or three blocks of the school almost every day almost always right after school.
posted by bukvich at 2:20 PM on June 24, 2012
This kid sounds overdiagnosed and medicalized. From a recent bullying thread, the solutions appear to be either to teach the kid to kick the bully's ass physically, or by making the bully the butt of jokes in front of other people, and that it's OK to fight back. FWIW, I consider this to be a parenting issue.
posted by rhizome at 2:26 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by rhizome at 2:26 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
And by the way, if all of the solutions you consider to be valid don't include the goal of stopping the bully's behavior toward your son, his only choice will be to "deal with it on his own." If you continue to treat this as something that only exists in his head, that's where he will retreat to deal with it. Yoga might make you feel better about this, but he's the one who's living it in his actual real life. Putting it another way, don't help him "cope" with bullying, help him end it.
posted by rhizome at 2:36 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
posted by rhizome at 2:36 PM on June 24, 2012 [2 favorites]
rhizome, I don't think the school, teachers, or other parents would react kindly to the OP's son trying to solve a bullying problem through violence. I know that's the kind of paternalistic ethic a lot of people grew up with, but it's likely to land the kid in a lot of additional trouble. "Kid turns the tables on the bully" is more of a movie trope than anything else. For all we know, it'll just escalate the issue.
Aside from separating the kid from the bully to the extent possible and helping him avoid exposure by sticking to the company of friends or teachers, I think it would be nice to help the boy realize that some parts of the school experience are pretty awful, but that there's a whole world outside of school. Does he pursue any activities where he can have a relationship with adult mentors? That may help with establishing a healthier perspective on life. This recent question got a lot of great responses.
posted by Nomyte at 4:01 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Aside from separating the kid from the bully to the extent possible and helping him avoid exposure by sticking to the company of friends or teachers, I think it would be nice to help the boy realize that some parts of the school experience are pretty awful, but that there's a whole world outside of school. Does he pursue any activities where he can have a relationship with adult mentors? That may help with establishing a healthier perspective on life. This recent question got a lot of great responses.
posted by Nomyte at 4:01 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
So the bully, in effect, got away with it and gets to keep the money he took all year? Why isn't he being punished and made to pay restitution?
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [5 favorites]
I'm stopping by to recommend my dad's advice: Shock and Awe.
My sister and I took swimming lessons when we were in elementary school. One day we came back to our lockers (despite their name, they didn't have a locking mechanism) to find that both of our towels were soaking wet and had been placed on top of our dry clothes. We heard laughing and turned to find two sisters from our class giggling hysterically. They were bigger than us and older than us - we were intimidated.
Later that night when we told our parents what happened, they suggested that, if it happened again, we should politely address the girls and tell them that we didn't like their behavior. After our next swimming lesson, we came back to our lockers to find both our towels AND clothes drenched with water from the showers. The bullies stood off to the side, laughing at our distress. Since I was older, I decided that I needed to take the lead. "Please don't get our stuff wet. It's cold outside, so when we go outside with wet clothes we get really cold." The girls laughed, then walked away. I felt completely powerless.
After hearing about the latest update, my dad gave me new advice. He told me that the next time the girls touched our things, I should walk toward the biggest girl, stand directly in front of her, then just yell as loud as I possibly could.
No surprise, it happened again. We came back to our lockers after our next lesson to find water dripping onto the floor. The two sisters were collapsed with wild laughter in the locker bay next to ours. I summoned all of my eight-year-old courage and marched right up to the biggest girl, the one who was laughing the hardest. She stopped laughing for a second, waiting to see what I would do. I took in a giant lungful of air and I screamed as loud and as long as I possibly could. Both girls stood, still dripping wet from the pool, shocked. In that single moment they morphed, in my adolescent mind, from scary to silly.
P.S. They never messed with our stuff again.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 4:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
My sister and I took swimming lessons when we were in elementary school. One day we came back to our lockers (despite their name, they didn't have a locking mechanism) to find that both of our towels were soaking wet and had been placed on top of our dry clothes. We heard laughing and turned to find two sisters from our class giggling hysterically. They were bigger than us and older than us - we were intimidated.
Later that night when we told our parents what happened, they suggested that, if it happened again, we should politely address the girls and tell them that we didn't like their behavior. After our next swimming lesson, we came back to our lockers to find both our towels AND clothes drenched with water from the showers. The bullies stood off to the side, laughing at our distress. Since I was older, I decided that I needed to take the lead. "Please don't get our stuff wet. It's cold outside, so when we go outside with wet clothes we get really cold." The girls laughed, then walked away. I felt completely powerless.
After hearing about the latest update, my dad gave me new advice. He told me that the next time the girls touched our things, I should walk toward the biggest girl, stand directly in front of her, then just yell as loud as I possibly could.
No surprise, it happened again. We came back to our lockers after our next lesson to find water dripping onto the floor. The two sisters were collapsed with wild laughter in the locker bay next to ours. I summoned all of my eight-year-old courage and marched right up to the biggest girl, the one who was laughing the hardest. She stopped laughing for a second, waiting to see what I would do. I took in a giant lungful of air and I screamed as loud and as long as I possibly could. Both girls stood, still dripping wet from the pool, shocked. In that single moment they morphed, in my adolescent mind, from scary to silly.
P.S. They never messed with our stuff again.
posted by WaspEnterprises at 4:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [6 favorites]
Sorry to say the same thing again, but you'll notice that everyone's suggestions involve (someone) standing up to the bully. If the bully gets to keep the money and isn't punished, the message is that bullies get rewarded. Whether that is in fact what we ought to teach our children since it's how the world really works, it certainly would have immediate negative consequences for the victim. (I speak as one who was bullied in school.)
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:30 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
posted by Obscure Reference at 4:30 PM on June 24, 2012 [1 favorite]
Ask your kid what he'd like to do--whether to switch schools, switch classes, take martial arts classes. And then do everything within your power to make that happen. 12 is old enough that he should have some say in what happens to him. He undoubtedly has an opinion about these things!
I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded.
I don't think a second evaluation is a bad idea, but I don't really understand why you feel this simple descriptive term is loaded or irresponsible. It's not a reflection on you, and if he is depressed, it's nothing to be ashamed of. He's dealing with some tough stuff. It's totally understandable.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:41 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I personally feel its irresponsible for someone who is not a mental health professional to use terms which can be very loaded.
I don't think a second evaluation is a bad idea, but I don't really understand why you feel this simple descriptive term is loaded or irresponsible. It's not a reflection on you, and if he is depressed, it's nothing to be ashamed of. He's dealing with some tough stuff. It's totally understandable.
posted by PhoBWanKenobi at 4:41 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I don't want him in the same classes as this kid and wonder if this is a reasonable request
I'm surprised to see so many posters thinking this is feasible. I went to a public middle school and did not find it to be so easy. Being placed in different classes from the beginning of the year might make it easier though. When I dealt with the middle school bully in the middle of the school year, I thought it was unfair that I had to change my classes with teachers I genuinely liked to be in an unknown although bully-less classroom. I remember thinking that the bully should be the one who has to have their life turned upside down, not the victim. And if your school district offers special separate honors classes in middle school (mine did, but only for certain subjects) and the other bully is an honors kid, your stepson might have to make the choice of honors or no honors.
Does your son want to switch schools? Perhaps evaluate how the bullying is taking place. Is this happening in the hallways? At lunch? On the bus or in class? Is it one bully by themseld or a bully with cronies? Knowing the details of the situation will help you better tailor a response to handling this particular bully.
Best of luck with helping your stepson through this. This sort of thing really does get so much better in high school (at least in my case anyway).
posted by lovelygirl at 4:57 PM on June 24, 2012
I'm surprised to see so many posters thinking this is feasible. I went to a public middle school and did not find it to be so easy. Being placed in different classes from the beginning of the year might make it easier though. When I dealt with the middle school bully in the middle of the school year, I thought it was unfair that I had to change my classes with teachers I genuinely liked to be in an unknown although bully-less classroom. I remember thinking that the bully should be the one who has to have their life turned upside down, not the victim. And if your school district offers special separate honors classes in middle school (mine did, but only for certain subjects) and the other bully is an honors kid, your stepson might have to make the choice of honors or no honors.
Does your son want to switch schools? Perhaps evaluate how the bullying is taking place. Is this happening in the hallways? At lunch? On the bus or in class? Is it one bully by themseld or a bully with cronies? Knowing the details of the situation will help you better tailor a response to handling this particular bully.
Best of luck with helping your stepson through this. This sort of thing really does get so much better in high school (at least in my case anyway).
posted by lovelygirl at 4:57 PM on June 24, 2012
There are a couple of really tough things about bullying at this age. One of them is that your stepson is just beginning to narrate his own life, and right now, it's being narrated for him. The bully and the bully's audience is narrating him as pathetic and weak. And at home, he might be being narrated as "poor kid" (ie. pathetic victim). Given the amount of time kids spend in school, outside activities after school are not going to change his narrative for the majority of the day. Unless the kids at school are incredibly impressed by his outside activities (like, you get an NFL player or rap star to come to the school and talk up the outside activity...).
I hope, for his sake, that you've been foaming-at-the-mouth-batshit-angry on his behalf. I hope you've expressed to him (or especially his dad has) that although you've never been tempted to beat up a kid before, you're tempted now. I hope you've been angry enough to demand a meeting with the kid's parents. It doesn't matter if they don't grant it -- it's important for your stepson to see you guys be absolutely, nearly-violently angry on his behalf. And to vilify the bully and his behavior.
My stepdaughter has been informed (when she was being physically touched by a bully) that she would not be in trouble at home if she hauled off and hit the kid (she'd already told the teacher, "who replied with 'just walk away'" except she wasnt allowed to leave the classroom and the bully just followed her around. Her permission to hit was IN PARALLEL to all of the efforts WE were making on her behalf.) PS: you should be mentioningyour concern about the "school's liability" every time you talk to them. PPS: it's a huge problem that not only did your kid get bullied, but NO ADULT NOTICED HE WASN'T EATING LUNCH. What the fuck?! From the school's perspective and considering their goals, hunger will interupt his ability to learn. Huge other area of liability for the school. This kid was let down on multiple levels and has learned he doesn't have much worth. It's NOT self-worth he needs --it's being considered worthy by others, including the adults in his world, ie. the school?
I digress. I suggest you find him someone who practices narrative therapy. And be irate on his behalf and let him see it. And minimize the bully with language like "that little shit." That kid looms large to your stepson. He needs to se that big giant presence the way you might, like a tiny little shit that you could crush (if you had to). (You're not going to harm the self-esteem of the bully, since the bully won't hear the way you're denigrating him).
And that's some grade A bullying there. Stealing lunch money goes beyond middle-school-drama-gossiping-and-name calling.
I remember being sexually harassed, as a young teen, about my large breasts, in front of my parents, and my dad brushed it off (may have even been scared of the guy). But the way I saw it, I wasn't worth defending. That's had too big an effect on me.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [7 favorites]
I hope, for his sake, that you've been foaming-at-the-mouth-batshit-angry on his behalf. I hope you've expressed to him (or especially his dad has) that although you've never been tempted to beat up a kid before, you're tempted now. I hope you've been angry enough to demand a meeting with the kid's parents. It doesn't matter if they don't grant it -- it's important for your stepson to see you guys be absolutely, nearly-violently angry on his behalf. And to vilify the bully and his behavior.
My stepdaughter has been informed (when she was being physically touched by a bully) that she would not be in trouble at home if she hauled off and hit the kid (she'd already told the teacher, "who replied with 'just walk away'" except she wasnt allowed to leave the classroom and the bully just followed her around. Her permission to hit was IN PARALLEL to all of the efforts WE were making on her behalf.) PS: you should be mentioningyour concern about the "school's liability" every time you talk to them. PPS: it's a huge problem that not only did your kid get bullied, but NO ADULT NOTICED HE WASN'T EATING LUNCH. What the fuck?! From the school's perspective and considering their goals, hunger will interupt his ability to learn. Huge other area of liability for the school. This kid was let down on multiple levels and has learned he doesn't have much worth. It's NOT self-worth he needs --it's being considered worthy by others, including the adults in his world, ie. the school?
I digress. I suggest you find him someone who practices narrative therapy. And be irate on his behalf and let him see it. And minimize the bully with language like "that little shit." That kid looms large to your stepson. He needs to se that big giant presence the way you might, like a tiny little shit that you could crush (if you had to). (You're not going to harm the self-esteem of the bully, since the bully won't hear the way you're denigrating him).
And that's some grade A bullying there. Stealing lunch money goes beyond middle-school-drama-gossiping-and-name calling.
I remember being sexually harassed, as a young teen, about my large breasts, in front of my parents, and my dad brushed it off (may have even been scared of the guy). But the way I saw it, I wasn't worth defending. That's had too big an effect on me.
posted by vitabellosi at 5:08 PM on June 24, 2012 [7 favorites]
In my experience, there's a few different approaches to dealing with bullies:
(a) expect your kid to stop it all by himself. This is the shittiest option.
(b) expect the school administration/staff/teachers to stop the bully. This is usually extremely unlikely to happen. I would not count on getting anywhere with this unless you get some freaking miraculous school district there. God knows my parents got a reaction along the lines of "we're sorry, but there's nothing we can do" at BEST. And indeed, they aren't really going to be doing much about your kid getting harassed in the bathroom or halls. Note the lack of a concrete plan you got from the VP.
(c) homeschool or switch schools. Honestly, I feel like this one is the best option because it gets your kid out of a "sick system." It gets the kid away from the bullies like nothing else.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on June 24, 2012
(a) expect your kid to stop it all by himself. This is the shittiest option.
(b) expect the school administration/staff/teachers to stop the bully. This is usually extremely unlikely to happen. I would not count on getting anywhere with this unless you get some freaking miraculous school district there. God knows my parents got a reaction along the lines of "we're sorry, but there's nothing we can do" at BEST. And indeed, they aren't really going to be doing much about your kid getting harassed in the bathroom or halls. Note the lack of a concrete plan you got from the VP.
(c) homeschool or switch schools. Honestly, I feel like this one is the best option because it gets your kid out of a "sick system." It gets the kid away from the bullies like nothing else.
posted by jenfullmoon at 7:29 PM on June 24, 2012
Best answer: Sorry for the typos and mess in my previous answer.
I came back for one more thing - help him with whatever he uses to de-stress. Or, find something that works for him. You might have to look hard to see what it is. For my kid, it's swinging on the monkey bars, biking, roller skating, long walks -- basically, moving, usually with some repetitive motion. She'll also lose herself in reading graphic novels and doodling. She needs this. And sometimes it's hard for me to let her have it - it's annoying that her skates are on in the house or that she needs another twenty laps around the table in the back yard; or that my back hurts and I'd like to hop on the streetcar but she's just getting warmed up so we'll walk another ten block; or dinner's ready and it seems like she's doing nothing...
So, if he has some way of winding down and dealing with letting go of the stress on his down time, let him do it even if it's hard for you. I don't love spending an hour after school at the playground, but my kid needs it. We budget time for long walks, which is where she often talks to me more because she's not facing me. If she's lost in another world reading or doodling, I try not to interrupt. That's how she recharges. If there's something that brings him joy, help him to have it. Make sure he has things to look forward to - for my kid, it's a trip to the bookstore, the pet store, and on really bad days, trips to the beach to name rocks after her troubles and hurl them into the lake.
posted by peagood at 7:35 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
I came back for one more thing - help him with whatever he uses to de-stress. Or, find something that works for him. You might have to look hard to see what it is. For my kid, it's swinging on the monkey bars, biking, roller skating, long walks -- basically, moving, usually with some repetitive motion. She'll also lose herself in reading graphic novels and doodling. She needs this. And sometimes it's hard for me to let her have it - it's annoying that her skates are on in the house or that she needs another twenty laps around the table in the back yard; or that my back hurts and I'd like to hop on the streetcar but she's just getting warmed up so we'll walk another ten block; or dinner's ready and it seems like she's doing nothing...
So, if he has some way of winding down and dealing with letting go of the stress on his down time, let him do it even if it's hard for you. I don't love spending an hour after school at the playground, but my kid needs it. We budget time for long walks, which is where she often talks to me more because she's not facing me. If she's lost in another world reading or doodling, I try not to interrupt. That's how she recharges. If there's something that brings him joy, help him to have it. Make sure he has things to look forward to - for my kid, it's a trip to the bookstore, the pet store, and on really bad days, trips to the beach to name rocks after her troubles and hurl them into the lake.
posted by peagood at 7:35 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]
Response by poster: Thanks very much for your responses. Just a few comments:
Rhizome - I wasn't asking for an opinion about his diagnoses. We ARE trying to help end the bullying, but in the meantime, my stepson has been traumatized and right now we are trying to cope with that. We just learned of this a week ago, spoke to the VP on Monday, and school is now out for the summer. There's no "continuing to deal with this like it only exists in his head." We are doing the best we can, which is why I came on here for advice, not criticism.
PhoBWanKenobi - I've worked as a school counselor and despite my background, I would never have written in a report that a student has a flat affect. I may say "student appears sad" or "student has a blunted affect", but "flat affect" means he is totally devoid of emotion, which is just not true in this case. I don't think it's responsible to casually throw labels on kids if the writer of the report doesn't seem to know what the term means. And in this case, after seeing the abundance of errors in the report (and getting a report for another child), we really don't trust the OT's assessment.
Vitabellosi - Sorry for the confusion here. My stepson normally takes his lunch to school and is given a couple of dollars to buy milk and/or chips. He was eating his lunch, but was going without the milk on the days he was bullied. He would only have 15 cents leftover, and it's not uncommon for him to lose things, so that's why we didn't realize what was going on.
Thanks again for all of your help!
posted by Sal and Richard at 9:20 PM on June 24, 2012
Rhizome - I wasn't asking for an opinion about his diagnoses. We ARE trying to help end the bullying, but in the meantime, my stepson has been traumatized and right now we are trying to cope with that. We just learned of this a week ago, spoke to the VP on Monday, and school is now out for the summer. There's no "continuing to deal with this like it only exists in his head." We are doing the best we can, which is why I came on here for advice, not criticism.
PhoBWanKenobi - I've worked as a school counselor and despite my background, I would never have written in a report that a student has a flat affect. I may say "student appears sad" or "student has a blunted affect", but "flat affect" means he is totally devoid of emotion, which is just not true in this case. I don't think it's responsible to casually throw labels on kids if the writer of the report doesn't seem to know what the term means. And in this case, after seeing the abundance of errors in the report (and getting a report for another child), we really don't trust the OT's assessment.
Vitabellosi - Sorry for the confusion here. My stepson normally takes his lunch to school and is given a couple of dollars to buy milk and/or chips. He was eating his lunch, but was going without the milk on the days he was bullied. He would only have 15 cents leftover, and it's not uncommon for him to lose things, so that's why we didn't realize what was going on.
Thanks again for all of your help!
posted by Sal and Richard at 9:20 PM on June 24, 2012
I'm glad he was eating! I'm just so angry on your behalf.
The school is relying on the summer break to make it all go away. That's going to be really frustrating.
There is no one glorious obvious path here. Most of what I would do in your situation isn't good advice and comes with its own set of liabilities.
At minimum, the school VP should be available to your son at anytime for him to report bullying behavior.
My stepdaughter went through some bullying from a pack of girls this year (including hands on, ripping headphones from her ears). She didn't want to go to the principal because she had mouthed back to them and didn't want to be in trouble for it. I told to tell the principal exactly that, and that mouthing off was an effort to "handle it yourself" but that she couldn't handle it herself anymore.
The principal did talk to the girls. And when she got flak for THAT from the little brats, we fantasized that she could say something like "Listen, my dad said I either have to haul off and hit you or tell the principal. I'm a lot bigger than you. I did you a FAVOR." we talked about why she couldnt actually say it. We also fantasized that she could say "listen, my dad said I either tell the principal or he's going to call your parents. I did you a FAVOR. You do not want my dad to call or visit your parents."
She never said any of those things, but she went back to school with an arsenal of possible, in-a-pinch responses.
My final suggestion is that you come up with some kind of ritual to banish the past and construct a new future--perhaps just before going back in the fall. Kids respond well to clean slates. Prepare him to see it happen again, and prepare him with some co-constructed responses. Kid needs an arsenal.
posted by vitabellosi at 7:50 AM on June 25, 2012
The school is relying on the summer break to make it all go away. That's going to be really frustrating.
There is no one glorious obvious path here. Most of what I would do in your situation isn't good advice and comes with its own set of liabilities.
At minimum, the school VP should be available to your son at anytime for him to report bullying behavior.
My stepdaughter went through some bullying from a pack of girls this year (including hands on, ripping headphones from her ears). She didn't want to go to the principal because she had mouthed back to them and didn't want to be in trouble for it. I told to tell the principal exactly that, and that mouthing off was an effort to "handle it yourself" but that she couldn't handle it herself anymore.
The principal did talk to the girls. And when she got flak for THAT from the little brats, we fantasized that she could say something like "Listen, my dad said I either have to haul off and hit you or tell the principal. I'm a lot bigger than you. I did you a FAVOR." we talked about why she couldnt actually say it. We also fantasized that she could say "listen, my dad said I either tell the principal or he's going to call your parents. I did you a FAVOR. You do not want my dad to call or visit your parents."
She never said any of those things, but she went back to school with an arsenal of possible, in-a-pinch responses.
My final suggestion is that you come up with some kind of ritual to banish the past and construct a new future--perhaps just before going back in the fall. Kids respond well to clean slates. Prepare him to see it happen again, and prepare him with some co-constructed responses. Kid needs an arsenal.
posted by vitabellosi at 7:50 AM on June 25, 2012
This thread is closed to new comments.
Totally reasonable request and great idea. If he has some good friends, you can also request that they be placed in the same classes together, so he'll have the security of numbers.
posted by cairdeas at 12:37 PM on June 24, 2012 [4 favorites]